i love you

i've been in kind of a weird mood today
and
it comes and goes, really
i'm on the knife's edge
of happy
and
well, any day now
or maybe already
but
i don't think so

i keep having these surges
which i guess means you're thinking about me
and, i just wonder
about things

and
what you really believe will happen
and how you believe it will happen

and
if i should write speculative fiction
or
not

and
my friend is getting married
she told me about it months ago
she gave me a refrigerator magnet save-the-date
but i didn't pay any attention to the date, really
until now

and
i want you
pretty badly
and i don't even really mean sexually
i just want to hug you
and smell you a little
and then, kiss you
i have that so clearly in my mind
it's almost like it's happened
i used to think it would be all tentative, or else
frenzied
but
this is not either of those things

it's like
two people who have been apart too long
but are totally unselfconscious with one another
we're sitting next to each other
and
we just both lean in and kiss
like it was the only possible thing to do
like it had already happened a million times
like magnet and steel

not like the terror i sort of expect
with all the performance anxiety and rejection issues

like the brain chatter of the current incarnations just shut off
and we got back to whatever we had
wherever we had it before
just solid
not even lusty

just
the need
to be
one