not
like
hard core worry
but, like, well i'm considering a bunch of stuff
and
oh my god will i make him fat
because i really really want to make you this:
but
maybe next week
i'll think you really need a special juice regime
but
i'm susceptible to positive reinforcement
so
cakes, all round
it's all cart before the horse, though
maybe
maybe what we have is better
than anything
i worry about that
maybe what you have, the whole combination
is better than it would be
in some other combination
maybe
maybe i love you more intensely, now
i mean, i think there's a lot of stuff i want
that i'm not getting
so
i can't really say this is my best case scenario
but, then i start picturing other types of scenarios
and i get
to be honest
kinda confused
what i want is
rather than pretending
that you were really in bed with me last night
arm wrapped around me
nuzzling my neck
and kinda rubbing against me
and
sometimes i worry that i'm too sexual
that i reduce things too much and so you think
this is just only ever going to be some sort of fling
i mean
i can tell myself how completely irrational that is
but still, maybe you think that's all i want, just steal your seed
and run off to the desert to raise a feral child
and
i don't think i'd be very good at that, anyway
what i want is
to get to do all the stuff i been wanting to do
to get to real-ly play with you
without losing the pretend play
what i want is to be play-mates, seriously
not for pretend
for real
play
and i want to make you so happy that you cannot believe it
and i want you to think that, though i sometimes irritate you
maybe to the point where you want to scream
that. even then, there is something challenging about it
that you would miss it, probably
and, anyway
you'd miss
me
and
your story doesn't make a lot of sense to me, right now
and i don't see the future
but
i do see something
some sort of horrendous cause and effect wheel
and it never quite equals us together
not together together
and maybe
maybe i shouldn't tell you that
maybe you'll change, in a bad way
because i said that
or maybe i've said that a thousand times before, i'm never sure
does it get better
or is this really already the best
what could you be getting from me that would be worth
all the trauma
to your world
it would take you to get it
were you scared that you were going to lose me back in february
how would that have changed your life
i'm not being a bitch
i really wonder
i cannot imagine
will not imagine my life without you
but
i have no clue what i'm doing
[and it's really bothering me
because i'm premenstrual, which heightens things
but, it's not just because i'm premenstrual]
understand
don't freak out
but
do
think
ok
