thoughts on paris and london and scotland [corrections]

i am trying to imagine
maybe because i was just looking on amazon at books about paris
not that i necessarily want to live in paris you understand
but there is a sort of writer mystique about the place
and so i find myself piecing together
all these little snippets of images
transposing them
and us
as though we had lived in paris
but
i mean, i don't really have enough

of paris
or of you

i don't know what we would do together in paris

i think i would go to large outdoor markets
and buy cheese and bread and fruits and wine
i don't think i would go to museums in paris
i would walk along the seine
i would drink coffee
eat in little cafes

maybe paris would just be a big city full of people
and tourists
and maybe its magic would be lost on me

when i was about 20
i had a friend who studied for a semester in london
i went and stayed with him for a few days
before he went off to france
and i went off to scotland
we went to madame tussuad's
we went to the changing of the guard

and
he assessed me thus:
you have a problem with crowds

we also went to a bunch of clubs
and that was ok fun
but to be honest
i had more fun on my adventure by myself

i took the night train to edinburgh
when i got there the i wasn't open yet
and it was freezing
although it was late july
i went to a fancy hotel
thinking they would have a restaurant
but they didn't really want to serve me without a room number
i think i got semi-hysterical
because i hadn't actually been able to sleep on the night train either
and i told them
i couldn't possibly check in until i had had a proper breakfast
and it was early
but i had no intention of staying there it was way too expensive

i had the absolute best oatmeal that it is possible to imagine
and smoked fish of some sort [kippers maybe]
and tea

and then i went to the i and got a bed and breakfast
which i had trouble finding
and almost cried wandering around the streets
i have zero maps skills
and an old man stopped me
asked me where i was from
i told him
and he said:
ya shada bra yr hoerse wi ya
and made me laugh
and pointed out the way

and there were no single rooms
because it was the tattoo
which i didn't know
and didn't attend
but i got a "double" room
which was like one bed and a roll away
for like 20 pounds
and i was right next to the downstairs half bath
and i had a wash stand and an electric kettle and a t.v.
i wandered around all day until i got blisters
and when it got dark i didn't want to be out
it's weird
because in london, even alone
i went out to bars and got lost and wandered around drunk
and felt perfectly safe
but in edinburgh
it was too quiet, too deserted
i couldn't feel safe out at night
and besides, my feet hurt
so i drank pots and pots of tea and ate weird snacks i bought in shops
and watched the BBC
and i think most of the guests were upstairs, or out
and it was like i had the whole place to myself and i loved it

then i took the train across the highlands
which took most of the day, and was a scenic sort of thing
someone from my father's mother's father's side of the family
was supposedly some sort of something in scotland
and i always had this sort of fantasy thing for it

moor, heather and loch; red red rose, auch
the romance you might have had for the west, i had that for the highlands

so i bought a bunch of strongbow and snacks
and the train ride was a dream come true
the cars were old
and roomy
nothing new-fangled or fancy about them
with benches
with tables
and i stared out the windows

there are no trees
none
because it is above the tree line
and it is all purple heather and thistles and whatever
but that was perfect, just the sound of the train the wind
blowing cold across my face and a slightly drunken haze
sometimes i went to stand in the connector section to be more out

at some point a very very sick old man sat down behind me
and a few days later i had a cold, which sucked
but for then, it was amazing

then a girl sat next to me and asked me where i was going
i told her i was going to skye
i had seen a coffee table type book about skye
and it seemed like my ideal place

she was astonished:
you should come with me to plockton there is nothing to do in skye

i could not be dissuaded

i went to skye [kyle of lochalsh]
the train station was a platform, no building, no nothing
and i had not checked where i was staying, i just went
it was getting dark
and cold
and i wondered:
how will i sleep at the train station
if there's no train station

god, i'm gonna need a hotel of some sort, pretty please
and i started wandering the streets figuring there had to be something somewhere

and i found someplace
it was really beautiful
and almost full, because there was a golf tournament i hadn't known about going on
and i was just at the very tail end of if-you-get-in-there-right-now
you can get dinner
so i ordered
dropped my stuff in the room
changed shirts
i changed into this beautiful intensely blue african tunic
and when i walked in to dinner
some children pointed me out to there parents
as being, a freak i guess
and i can't remember what i ate, maybe lamb, i don't think i was spoiled for choice
i think all the fish was gone already
and there was a tub in the room, which was a beautiful room, small, charming
but i was getting heart palpitations because it was like almost 40 pounds
but it was wonderful
and i was not complaining
thank you god
and i even got dinner in time

and the next day i went across on the ferry
[i said before it was portree, but it was kyleakin]
and the signs were in gaelic
and there was a highland games going on that i hadn't known about
and i think
i thought
i had died and gone to heaven
i didn't even take any pictures
i just wandered around
smelled the sea air
had tea
saw guys stomping around in kilts
bag-pipes
caber toss
craft shops

there was this one shop
it had hand made sweaters
with the most beautiful designs i had ever seen
and i wanted one fervently, as intensely as i have ever wanted anything, maybe
and it was like 100 bucks which was a steal
what i really wanted to do was to figure out how to import the sweaters
sell them to nieman's or sakowitz or something
but i didn't buy one
because
when the hell would i have worn it
it was wool
it was never cold enough

i loved skye

then i got back on the train
to inverness
my plan had been to go to the isle on man
but it turned out the ferry sure enough went there that day
i had checked that
but it didn't come back in time for my flight home
so
i ended up going back to inverness
on the edge of loch ness
my gran-gran and i had spent a lot of time talking about the loch ness monster
she had theories
but it seemed very dark, boggy
i couldn't imagine there being a hold-over dinosaur of some kind living there
i couldn't really imagine any little fishes living there
it seemed wicked, incapable of life
and i sat in the train station bar and drank for hours
trying to decide what the fuck i was going to do now
there's a song
about never having written a song about something
and the first time i ever heard it
it took me instantly back to the train station bar, inverness

so i went back to london
went to the national gallery
wandered around carnaby street
ate take-away
drank

i can't remember if i saw a play or not
i had seen chess with jerry
oh
i do remember
i did see a play
it was awesome
i can't remember what it was called
it was about chinese immigrants from
i want to say hong kong
to canada
and it was in english [not more than half english]
and french and chinese
it was intense
and all about culture shock and alienation and dreams of happiness

i went to covent garden
and bought these art post cards from a strange woman on the street
that i have still never gotten framed
[but i think i still have them]
i helped tourists find there way in the tube

i went to the market in chalk farm
and bought falafel
and body shop products before they were even in the u.s.
[i had never heard of them but they were cool]
and i got a pint or half kilo or whatever of fresh raspberries
and got super sick
[but i though it was probably the falafel]
but i recovered fast
and it was a great day

and one night
when i was lost and drunk and riding the night bus
i sat next to this guy who was very excited to talk to an american
because he was fascinated that america had serial killers
and he knew them, regionally
and i got to tell him
the oldest son of one of my mom's best friends
i hadn't really been friends with him
i was friends with the youngest daughter
who was about five years older than me
but anyway
wade had been friends with this serial killer guy
or tried to be
but his mom
thought the guy was creepy
broke up the friendship
kept him away from him
so i was like six degrees of separation from one of this guy's killers
and even though i couldn't tell him anything much
it was pretty cool

i don't really have anything important to say....

but
i was thinking of you
so
i thought
i'd
say:
hi

hi

and
i know
it's starlight
but
just ask
so
stardust-y

p.s.
i'm not very mean by nature
and i don't want to be
that's not like
a necessity
to be
a sexy woman
is it
i
don't know why i ask, exactly
just something i'm reading
and then
crazy for her
and
american culture, in general, i guess

cause i'm not down for that
mean-sexy stuff


and i dreamed about smoking last night
and i didn't like it at all
i think
i was in canada
it was all very involved
and strange
but i really only remember the smoking


be good to yourself
i love you very much

also i made a green juice today that i really like

i had a head of kale
and i don't particularly like kale
it's too tough
and
not all that tasty
so i decided to juice it

but it doesn't make much juice
so i had to decide what to put with it
so here's what i came up with:


one head kale
four lemons with the skin partly cut off, leave some for zest
four small mild peppers like banana peppers
four large stalks of celery


it doesn't make a huge trough of juice
but it's tangy

i had some very strange dreams

i was in school
i don't remember the details
[although, something about a ball field]
and then [something about first and second period]
then i think we must have gone on a field trip
or research venture
because

i was in some sort of museum
i was with someone i knew in the dream
we checked out a large box
in the box
was a collection of costume bits
i looked through them
until i found a green wig in a box
picture of a masked woman on the front

this is the one
i almost squealed with delight
i remember this from when i was a kid


in another part
i was in a panel of people being interviewed on a radio show
i was wearing a black blazer jacket
with only a flesh tone bra underneath
and i had this box around my neck
which was broadcasting directly to me from a man
who in the dream i knew
who was maybe an actor
i'm not sure
but
i felt slightly flirty towards him
and
the idea of personal transmissions between us
was almost more exciting than being on the panel
i was moving the box up and down
i'm not sure why
maybe to get comfortable
maybe it was a nervous energy thing
but the woman next to me
who looked like leslie ann warren in her heyday

looked at me and said:
what
are you giving him a show of your flabby wares

and i looked at her and said:
i hate you


now apparently
my i hate you was transmitted over the air
and later
this young college girl
came up to me
and told be how i had disillusioned her and all her
young impressionable friends
who so admired me and my work
and how could i

and i just wondered:
had i said i fucking hate you
or was all this really all about my saying i hated someone
how fucking wholesome was i expected to be
but i felt bad anyway
poor girl


then
i worked at a store
they had directory kiosks
touch screen things in four locations throughout the main floor
but the headings seemed sort of random to me
and i wondered if i should sort them
so that each machine had like things
or if i should leave them random
because they all contained different information
although that didn't make much sense to me


then
i was sitting on a dirt road
out in the country
really really creepy
waiting with some guy i had worked with
to see what was going to happen
i don't know if that had anything to do with the kiosks
i don't see how it could have
but he worked at that same place

i do worry about you

so
of course
i worry that you
i don't know, didn't feel supported i guess
by that last post
and that wasn't my intention, not at all
i'm not sure why i worry

anyway
i love you
you're a pain in the ass
but i love you
and
the fact that i let you read that
shouldn't be
i don't know, just shrugged off, ya know

whatever

my detox has gone kinda weird
i really wanted to get up to 20,000mg of msm a day
but
i can't safely leave the house at 15,000mg
so
i've stabilized at about 12,000mg for now
i'm doing some cayenne
i've had some meals
including some heavy meals
like veggie pizza or pasta
but i've been at it a while
and i'm mostly raw
i had stepped up the physical exercise a bit
so i had to up my carbs
so i'm eating mostly fruit
avocado, bananas, grapefruit
and i started this new protocol
coconut oil in orange juice for breakfast
the coconut oil is supposed to stimulate thyroid
and a bunch of other stuff
i'm down to only 2 emergen-c packets a day
and lemon water the rest of the time
and
i added in cayenne a few days ago
only three or four times a day
and only one pill not two
but
i think the cayenne is noticeable

i really recommend cayenne [100,000 heat units]
if you're only going to do one thing

so
i've lost 10 pounds
but i had pretty much gained 10 pounds
so it's kinda a wash
but i look good
and i feel pretty good
and this is a weight i haven't been for a while
and 10 pounds for me is not a big fluctuation

and i'm just going to keep doing this
i know it might be a better detox if i didn't eat
or if i ate completely raw
but i'm not doing that
it's vegetarian
and mostly
i manage to avoid dairy and eggs and bread
but i am not mandating that
and i am specifically adding in fish a few times a week
because of the nutrients

and the last few weeks
i'm really focusing on the organic
rather than just here and there

my next goal is thirty pounds away
and i have to find an exercise for the "bye-bye arm"
i got big ole biceps and deltoids
but then "bye-bye arm"
and i can't tell that the msm is doing anything for that at all
though
face and jawline and hair shedding all seem improved significantly


anyway
i hope everything is good with you
that i didn't freak you out
that you are taking good care of yourself

stardust-y bones baby

real

is it raining, he asked
the mist sticking to my eyelids making me blink
yes, i answered

but
it was like he had said he loved me and i loved him back
but
other things had been said
i was confused
he wanted me
but
he didn't want me
was maybe a little afraid of me

i have this fairy tale i tell myself about him
he was cursed
he cannot express his love for me
if he says anything
if he does anything
directly

i'm never sure what
some days
the curse causes me to stop loving him
some days
the curse causes him to stop loving me
other days death ensues
but there are some days
when i think that it isn't really a curse
what it really is is a promise he made
and not to me

on those days
i'm tempted to listen to my mother
but the fact that she thinks he's using me
is almost a guarantee that that cannot be the case

but
i second guess myself
maybe this is some new creative way to torture myself

and i feel like he thinks
whether this is true or not i cannot say
that i am holding out on him somehow
as though
it were perfectly normal to go places one didn't want to go
and do things one didn't want to do
without
not a contract
we're not talking a contract
without
one word

who does that


no
that's not holding out
whether he thinks it is or not
it might be patience
it might be stupidity
but it is not holding out


and
if he were truly bad for me
would i have quit smoking and smoking
changed my lifestyle and diet
surely
being healthier
looking younger
these are good things
things i would never have done

ah but, you say
you didn't do those things for him
you did them for the baby
and what becomes of you when you can't have one
because
even if he stops pushing you away
it doesn't mean
you're not a barren wasteland

and truly
i don't know
maybe
it is too late already
but i can only do what i can do
and
when i started this
i thought
if it doesn't work out i can always kill myself
and i had been killing myself for years by inches
but
now i want to live
so
if things don't work out
i imagine i'll muddle through somehow
if i'm supposed to have a kid
if that's the mission of my soul
then i will
i believe that

would his life be better
if i was not there
am i a dangerous addiction
am i bad for him

that i have no way to know

i could certainly make the argument
that
though i was good for him at first
perhaps now
i risk damaging things
important things

it is not my place to make that decision
and i do not choose to superimpose some bourgeois standard
over what my heart call out for
because that is just a bunch of crap


i am going to love him forever
and i'm not going to let him make me stop
and that has determined my actions
if doing something
or not doing something
could have the possible outcome
that i would stop loving him
then i will not let myself do it

i meant to write something more poetic
i'm not angry
or sad
or disappointed
and this might sound like something like that

but i was reading something
and it was all from inside the writer's head
and it occurred to me
that
that is what i naturally write
but i think i shouldn't
so then i try to write something else
and maybe
what you really want to know
is the stuff that isn't prettied up
and so i am letting you read this
even though
maybe that isn't a good idea
i don't know

sometimes

in the morning i will have something for you

i love you

i have the distinct feeling that you're thinking about me right now

is that crazy

i thought so at about noon yesterday too

i have no way to verify these things

and it is always possible

that

i'm

imagining it

but if you are thinking of me

i'm thinking of you too

i hope you don't think i'm too weird

i took that down
maybe
that's paranoid
but
i thought it was for the best

sketches for a story

you know puppyfish
i can already tell that you're a boy
i'm not sure how i can tell, i just can

you know puppyfish
that's happened before

once there was a man
i loved this man very much
and i went to the city to see him
when i saw him
he told me
he and his lover were having a baby
and
i sort of knew that
but until he told me himself
i couldn't believe it

and i told him what a gift from god that was
and what a great father he was going to be
and those things were true

but
it cost me something to tell him that just then
and when i was alone again i felt like
there was a hole through me
and every now and then
i could hear the wind whistle through it

so
i'm alone in the city
and i don't really like the city
don't really have any interest in seeing anything
so i go to china town, at least i think i was in china town
it seemed more like a movie set of china town from the fifties

anyway
i thought about china town in san francisco when i was three
which i can't remember very well but which impressed me
and i thought about china town in the town i'm from
and the first restaurant where i ate chinese food
after telling them i didn't like it and wouldn't eat it
i tried it and liked it
and my mom's boyfriend said the restaurant looked like
a mexican bus station
and i wondered what he meant
and i thought about china town in chicago
and the amazing little tea shop with the hundreds of teas
and then
i looked at this china town
and i thought of epcot
and i thought i might feel better if i cried

now puppyfish
i may have had it all wrong
i was depressed and not wanting to see good in it
and one of the places i actually like in the city
i can't wait to take you there in fact
is a beautiful pagoda-like museum
but it's all full of japanese art

so i ate something
and i went into this little shop
and i wandered around forever until i finally bought
a little tiny blue silk dress
with butterflies tone on tone woven into the cloth
it had a little mandarin collar
and little frog knot closures
and i bought it for his daughter
because i knew the baby was going to be a girl

and the last day i was in the city
i was going to see him again
and i tried and tried to think of how to give it to him
but i knew i couldn't
that it wouldn't be appropriate
and i walked from my car to the place i was going to see him
and there was this tree
it had shed so many tiny purple flowers
it had painted the sidewalk
and i'd only ever seen a tree with flowers that color
once before
and that was in a dream in a movie
and everything
everything in the world was conspiring
to be beautiful and meaningful and deep
just at that moment

and then i saw him
and he smiled at me
with this almost teen aged look
like he hadn't really expected me to be there

and i didn't tell him
that he was going to have a little girl
and i didn't give him the blue silk dress

sketches for a story

the puppyfish and i are headed back home
with cafe au lait and croissants
which are very naughty
and unhealthy
but
the whole hemingway thing
transformed into a breakfast picnic in paris
and there are all the senses to consider

you are still sleeping
i don't want the coffee to get tepid
but i have to pause for just a moment to watch you sleep
the things i find the most endearing
the slight crinkling around your eyes
the slightly pouty swelling of your lower lip
and the other
the other i won't even mention
for fear it offend you to say aloud
these might not be the things you love most about yourself
but they are beautiful to me
and vulnerable
and real

i set le petit déjeuner on the bedside table
and i slide back into bed
i want to kiss you awake, but
that doesn't really work so
i press my cheek against your shoulder
and run my hand across your hip
you are magic and turn over toward me opening one eye


the puppyfish and i have been for a walk
and we have brought you breakfast from paris
you were hemingway
and they had no cubano so it just progressed from there

puppyfish

we started out with puppy
but he wants to be a fish

hemingway

we were considering the merits
of daddy or papa
we're trying out papa
do you think you'd be very difficult to seduce papa
i have coffee
and flaky buttery croissants

truth is stranger than fiction

i had a conversation last night
with a guy i know
and he just got married
and thinks i'm unbelievably old
so i don't think there's any way he's flirting with me
and
i can't think of any other reason for him to be blowing smoke up my ass
but
here's what was said


i was saying that i didn't like this bossy chick
and then i asked him:

do you think i'm a bad person

cause
i don't know
not really because i said i didn't like her
more because i sometimes wonder if i really am bad
for other reasons
but it worked marginally in context here
so i threw it in

he said:
no
i think i'm really lucky to know you

which i thought he might be being facetious

but then he said:
having a conversation with you
is like talking to a really great writer whose books you just haven't read yet

now i'm trying to remember
have i told him i write
cause i don't usually tell people that

have i told you that i write

no, he says
but of course you write
and then he says something about my vocabulary


now, i don't know
this guy messes with me a lot
but this isn't his style of messing with me
so i think this was legit
which is kinda cool

but
as fiction
this would be a completely unbelievable conversation

i love you

and i hope
that you are liking the sketches
and not just thinking
that i'm lame for not just writing
a super good story
there will be more sketches
and
maybe
it's fun to see the process
i don't know
it's kind of like in real time, ya know

anyway
that's how it's coming out naturally
so that's how i'm sharing it

sometimes i think i've gotten a lot better
and
sometimes i think i've just gotten less focused


take good care of yourself
i love you you know

sketches for a story

when you live at the beach
you can't just carry on business as usual
at least that's what i think
and for me business as usual would include
a giant bubble of privacy
friends
even if they're friends
aren't supposed to just drop by
hell
business as usual doesn't even include
having people over
we go somewhere, else

now maybe this is just a habit
the going somewhere else
but
it's better exit strategy
and whatever

but
at the beach
part of what's nice about it
is you can sort of live outside
and i start to have more regular patterns
what with the sunrise and the sunset and the watching the surfers and the volleyball
and besides i gotta get to know these people well enough to trust them to teach the puppyfish to surf and whatnot
so i am having to develop strategies
i mean surfer dave can not just drop by anytime to say mahalo
there's writing time
and other time too
that needs sacred-ing

so i'm working out some sort of signs for the door
not like welcome and go away
although, that would be nicely direct
but i'm thinking something that wouldn't be obvious
to the casual observer
something that just looks like the kind of crap
anyone might hang up for decoration at a beach house

like maybe:
a big set of jaws
or a puffer fish
for stay away

but i'm less sure

what says:
i'm busy
but i can talk
and i might have finished that new batch of salmon pemmican
so pop in but maybe don't stay a long time

maybe some cool light up beer sign
for stop in for a beer
but would i ever light that sign
i'd have to if i had it
just how sociable am i willing to be
i don't know
i just know that things are much more casual at the beach
and sooner or later i'll have to have people over

sketches for a story

the baby kicks
i wake up
your hand wrapped protectively around my belly
he is a morning person already
and is ready already for the morning beach walk
and if you live by the beach
you really ought to do sunrise and sunset whenever you can

i do not disapprove
i just think it's funny
my mother always said:
you'll grow up and have one just like you
and i counted on it, ya know
but she was wrong about that too
the little alien spawn is already a morning person

i try to slide out of bed without waking you
but it only kind of half works
so i kiss you and tell you to go back to sleep:
we'll do sunset if you can


ok kiddo it's just you and me
what's on your mind
swish
no way
that water is cold
later when the sun is up i'll brave it for you
what else ya got
images of warm sea water experiences rise up to greet me
different ocean though puppy
this is the left coast in the northern hemisphere
those are always cold
and even if we were at the same place
i wouldn't take you in now
it's too polluted now

you're already swimming
just feel the ocean

can you smell the salt
that salt air is one of my most favorite things on earth
i used to work close to the coast
and i would take out the trash every chance i got
just to take the long walk around the building and smell the sea

kick

the sky is rosy glowing
the water is lapping along the sand
and i've got a puppy fish skipping along with me

hey puppy fish
it'll be a while before you can do this yourself
i'm doing my best for ya here
arms akimbo head thrown back
i look at the sunrise
i look at the sea
imprinting each with as much clarity as i can
i dig my feet into the half dry sand
then i walk into the surf line
i stand
i let my feet sink into the sand
wiggle them
feel the quick-sand-y-ness

when i was eight, puppy fish
i went to a beach where the artists lived
down where the water is warm, as you noted
and when the water splashed up on the shore
when it rolled back
you could see air bubbles coming to the surface
a lot like when you cook pancakes
we'll have to side-bar pancakes for right now
and when i dug down
there were little quahogs
i woulda called em clams
quahogs i think of as the things you buy on the ferry in new england like you'd buy hotdogs
these were so tiny though and black or blue beautiful
when i dug em up and set em on the sand
they seemed to dig their way back in before my eyes
i'm not sure how now but that's the truth of it

i pull my feet from the unstable swallowing mass
and dance into the surf
we're near the pier now and the surf is louder
as it smashes against the pilings

let's go up to the plaza, puppyfish
there's mica in the plaza and it sparkles
the first time i saw it it reminded me of somewhere
somewhere i saw when i was a kid and i thought it must be diamonds
lets look at it sparkle in the morning sun and do you think we should get your daddy a fancy coffee before we head back, hmmmm, whatdaya think
and maybe i'm biasing you unfairly towards daddy
maybe papa would be better, huh, like hemingway
i was just thinking i'd like to call him daddy-o
but i got a thing for the beats
wait...wait....look isn't it beautiful puppyfish

now let's get papa his fancy coffee, um, yeah well
let's see if they have cubanos
probably not but we'll see
and then we gotta get back
or else maybe he'll think you swam away

updates

i'm very insecure
about what i've got so far for the story
it seems kinda sappy
so
i don't know
we'll see

the detox
is maybe going well
but i am eating salads
and i don't feel like i've got dosage right
for anything

my weight had inched up a little
but i didn't realize
because my thighs seem smaller
in clothes in mean
and i can feel bones and stuff better
but maybe all that is just lack of inflammation or whatever
anyway
it wasn't much weight
and it might be pre-menstrual water weight

i just hope the toxins are being processed
and then the extra fat that the body uses to store
the dangerous stuff it can't deal with
that fat won't be necessary

more later


i love you a bunch

i asked for help with my story in my dreams, i don't think i got it, but i got this weirdness

you and i were together
not exactly together together
more like having a vacation together
but it wasn't really a vacation because
you had some really big and exciting work
some project you were working on
there were flip-charts at strategic locations
around the room
or maybe suite is a better way to put it
but it is entirely possible
that it was on a boat

and
i wondered about that
because i have always been sorry
that i couldn't meet you on that cruise
around the statue of liberty
but i couldn't get away

also
i think it unlikely that you actually
use a lot of flip charts in your work
unless maybe you are giving a presentation
i mean, do you do your idea work on flip charts
but this was a really strange and different kind of project
so maybe it was necessary to keep
the different sections separate
and yet
still
instantly visible
for cross reference

the bed
was out on a deck
it didn't seem to be visible to anyone else
but it was definitely out in the air
and the stars would be visible at night

sadly
in the dream i never got to actually
sleep with you
i guess that wasn't information my subconscious mind thought i needed help with
but i did have some closer contact
and this is maybe one of my new favorite things
it was like hugging
but with kind of a torquing action
so it became

ok
i could say intimate
that that's kind of obvious and doesn't covey anything
and i could say sexual but that isn't quite right either
it was less about sex and more about comfort
it was about physical need
and emotional need
and being physically together, finally
but in the [god forgive me i'm gonna say head space]
where we were not making love
we were doing things together
getting things accomplished
and not being distracted from that
not wanted to be distracted from that at that moment
but still wanting some form of intense closeness
does that make any sense

also
and this is maybe the weirdest part
the part i'm not sure how to interpret
[actually there are a couple of add on sections to the dream that are really weirder but i haven't decided at this point if i'm even mentioning them]

you had a daughter who was a tween
and she was with us, visiting

and i started off with the kind of thing
that anyone who comes from a fucked up broken home
slash blended family whatever would know
was the right foot to start out on:

i know you might have reasons not to like me
to resent me and my presence here
of course i want you to like me
and i want to like you
but i'm not gonna be so insensitive to your situation
to expect you to give me the benefit of the doubt
just feel how you feel
and we'll see where it goes

she had this bottle
it looked like a small coke bottle
smaller than the smallest actual coke
like maybe three or four inches high
it had liquid in it
but it wasn't coke
so it just had a light green kind of luminous quality
with these lightning-like shapes coming down from the top
it was a fascinating little bottle
and i'd be all tempted to interpret it as a symbol
except that she could zap herself into it
like
i don't know, a genie or something
and she had her own satellite radio inside
it was like having a room that no one could walk in on you
only, apparently, you didn't know about it

so at first you thought that i
had somehow magic-ed her into a bottle
or taught her how to do it
or encouraged her in some way
and i'm all like:
no it freaked me out just as much as it did you
i have no magic shutting-people-up-in-bottles skills

and i'm not sure if she could get out on her own
or if you had to call her out or what
maybe it was a test for you
anyway
i wasn't sure if it was good or bad
but i didn't think she was in danger either way

i just kinda kept looking longingly at the bed


ok
since i mentioned them
i'll try to describe the other sections

in one
i was staying in a different part of the hotel
or whatever
i was trying to get work with this woman
because i needed something to do while you were working
and i'm not sure what it was i was going to be doing
but i had a room i was going to be working in
and i was concerned about her getting a key
i went into the bathroom
because i really really had to pee
probably because i really did have to pee
but when i went into the bathroom
the toilet and the tub were both filled
with large river rocks

in another one
i was working with someone
i'm not sure exactly
some sort of event planning maybe
and someone walked up wanting to buy flowers
and we didn't sell flowers
but we were working with a big bunch of flowers
because we were making arrangements for something
and i made some comment about the person asking for flowers
being all confused about us having a whole lot of flowers
and yet not having any for sale
and my friend told me
that i was something
i just can't remember the word she used
and i said:
when i think of that i think of spoiled little rich girls
and i've definitely not been a spoiled little rich girl
and she said:
really
i don't think of spoiled little rich girls at all
but it had not been a good thing she had called me
i feel confident
and i don't know if my subconscious mind
is trying to say i'm bad in some way or what
maybe i'm saying i'm selfish or something
what would spoiled little rich girls be
unaware of the importance of anyone else
disdainful
snobbish
i've got my disdainful and snobbish moments
you've seen them i'm sure
but i don't think they are overwhelming personality traits
so i only see one place i could be going with that


the third
i know i said it was a couple
but i thought of some more i had forgotten
i was at the hospital
i think my father was there but i'm not sure
and i went to the bathroom
and it was just this one big room
no stalls
and the way it worked was
you couldn't sit anywhere
you just had to hover
of this trough-like thing
and i am not very good at hovering
i know there are some girls who never do anything else
but i'm not one of those
so i ended up getting pee on myself
and there was more
but i don't remember it


then there was a fourth part

you were being cute
and you really were really very cute
where you were kissing me
like we were an old married couple
so it was this sort of
dramatically puckered smack
but there was this whole
facial expression
and stuff
that went with it
and it was just funny
but at the same time
it was sweet, ya know
not like mocking funny
not like sarcastic commentary funny
i'm not sure how to explain it


anyway
weird, huh

oh yeah, i almost forgot

i'm also
going to make a concentrated effort
to sauna every day

i read about a detox protocol
that they used for gulf war veterans
to detox heavy metals

and i'm not doing that
not yet

but it's high doses of niacin
and then intense infra-red heat

this sauna i have access to
it is not an infra-red sauna
i wish it was
i used to go to a shape fitness that had one of those
[one of those circuit 30 min places]
it had a tanning bed too
i could only do 10 minutes in the tanning bed
and it probably wasn't good for my skin
but it had a mood elevating effect

anyway
before i do a hardcore heavy metals detox
i want to study it a little more
because
the niacin and the infra-red caused the release
but i'm not clear on what
binds with the heavy metal to remove it

and
that's kinda important

it's detox time again

and this time i'm doing things a little bit differently

like, i.e. not the master cleanse

but more than just the wheatgrass & chlorella
thing that i've done for several days, several times

i gave it a lot of thought
and i decided
i don't want to be throwing up a lot
so not too much cayenne
although maybe some cayenne
and i want more nutrients
than just lemon juice will provide

and
i want to target skin tightening
scar tissue break down
and decreasing tissue rigidity in general

as well as
detoxifying

and what i have decided will be the centerpiece
for this detox is:
msm

which i have taken off and on
mostly off for a while now

but
of course i don't want to just take msm
and i don't want to 100% let go of the master cleanse model
so
it goes sorta like this:
msm instead of cayenne
royal jelly instead of maple syrup
but
i'm also using those emergen-c packets
[both the heart health & the immune formulas]
probably 2 - 4 packets
which gets in some vitamin a & d & zinc & plant sterols
and the msm doesn't taste so vile mixed w/emergen-c

and i'm still gonna take the superfood powder mix i like
and the wheatgrass and chlorella
[not just for greens and nutrients but fiber too]

but i'm also adding an herbal tincture
[basically essiac formula]
and noni juice
i'm not sure why noni juice
i remembered having good results with it before
and i had a friend who took it while she was on chemo
and swore it helped her
but now i can't seem to find anything anywhere
that tells me what it's supposed to do

my recollection
it's a tonic adaptogen

the essiac
is an herbal remedy
that's supposed to cure cancer
but it doesn't cure cancer
what it does is to help detoxify
the blood, liver, kidneys, lymphatic system
and sooth and tone the mucus membranes

i may eat some salads or green juice
if i get really really hungry
but it is not my intention

my plan was to do 10 days
but i may end up going a little longer
if i have to build up to larger doses or whatever
i plan to use it all up
so if that goes longer than 10 days
that's ok

it will be much more royal jelly than ever before
but i think that's ok

so this is a detox
but it's kind of a health building venture as well
and i'm not sure i should combine those
so i'll have to react to what my body tells me

i think i'm starting sunday
but
i'm easing into it already
i haven't had any solid food yet today
but i'm about to eat something
not exactly sure what

i love you and i really need to write you something special

instead of just going on and on
about
whatever happens to be running through
my head

let me give it some thought

what would you like to read

i've got a bunch of stuff
but none of it has worked itself into
anything
i do better when i have something
i'm trying to say
and
i've just been saying it
so i got no focus for all these wonderful little things
i'd sort of like to use somewhere

i'm just not sure
what would you like to read, really
not just something pretty
and not something all angsty
family saga
yuck
something
a story should tell you something about
life or truth or human nature or something
maybe
or
i don't know

why am i even mentioning this
now i totally have to write something
and i don't know what i'm doing
and that is why i'm writing this
cause otherwise
i totally won't

alright
i reserve the right
to write you a really good poem
but
i'm gonna try to write you a short story

stuff

i'm afraid i'm gonna have several posts today, and they might not any of them be interesting but, you decide

ok
this has been bothering me for
several days and i guess i'll just talk about it

i was talking to this guy i know
and he was saying something about being fat
and i never would have described him as fat
so i was all like:
do you really think you're fat

he's like i'm guessin about six feet tall
and he's like:
i'm blah blah pounds
so yes

now
i have to say
i am fifteen pounds heavier than that
and i am no where near six feet tall
and
blah blah i got heavy bones
and i know i'm fat, still
but it bugs me a little anyway
not a lot, just a little

but
what he says next
that really bothered me

i say something about knowing what he's talking about
or blah blah polite me-too-type agreement
covering my mild irritation
and he says:

but it's different for you as a woman

[wait for it]

it's not as bad to be a little meatier for a woman

now say what???!!

oh surely you've noticed that
blah blah blah
and then he's talking about how he likes large women

and i've got all these thoughts
which i will now share with you
because you might want to know the stuff that runs through my head

ok
first
i'm running back all the compliments he's ever paid me
thinking they were legitimate
and i'm wondering if they were, really
cause i wasn't meaning to be flirting with him
and i didn't think he was flirting with me
but now, i'm not sure

second
[and i should mention all this is probably
really simultaneous not chronological]
a sarcastic commentary:
oh yeah, i totally noticed how men were flinging aside
the cute size twos to stand in line to get at me

third
no no no
i know exactly where the line is
because whenever i went under it
i started getting attention i couldn't handle
and i had to go gain thirty pounds in a month
the line is under size 14

fourth
but you want him to find you attractive
[meaning you]
so
you can't have it both ways, can you
either he's attracted to you or he's not
you were with somebody for years and years who was not
and it really really bothered you
so if it's bad to be attracted to you
then where are you leaving him
either the zaftig is good
or he's attracted to you in spite of it
which may be what you want
but it's a slippery slope


and there are certain women who
i think
you think
i compare favorably next to
[i can't say, but i think you know who i mean]
and we are the same type, generally
but she is younger
and in better shape
and
actually
smaller

so where i started out
just vaguely grossed out that i might have
mistaken attraction bias as
actual regard for my skills or attributes
i finished up
feeling like i have put you in a very difficult situation
and i don't mean to

i reason with myself
it is far different to be attracted to someone
than to be attracted to their body
and that, for most people
there are parts that they find more and less appealing
on any particular body

but i find
my thoughts on the subject
are much more confusing than i thought

i mean
how is it even vaguely logical
to want every other male in the world
to see me as totally not a possible sexual object
and any form of flirting has to be obvious
and just as obviously recreationally leading nowhere
but still
that i look good to you
you are supposed
[with almost no additional effort on my part
because all that make-up is phony and gross]
to think i am
beautiful
and
sexually stimulating
and
the mother of your children
[rather, potentially, i guess
but, no
i want you to see that when you look at me]

i mean
that's kinda asking for a lot, huh

so then i start thinking that i should have done more
to lose more weight
to work my problem areas
to be the best looking body i can manage
not that i'm unhappy with my progress
just that i can see
how i judge myself lacking

so yeah
way better to be a girl


something i may not have told you
as i'm thinking about what i find attractive
in people i've been with before
i like scars
i like em a lot
and that is not the kind of thing you be all
freakin out about
oh my god
i don't have any good scars
so that brings things back in perspective a little
people are idiosyncratic
you can't really know what they'll be attracted to

new stuffed bell pepper recipe

when you first go vegetarian
it totally screws up a bunch of
really easy recipes
take stuffed bell peppers, for example
rice + ground beef + bell pepper
and you barely even need any spices

well
today i was trying to decide if i needed to go to the grocery
and i decided no, not if i'm creative
so i'm stuffing some bell peppers

i made a broth to use for the liquid
and i cooked some yellow split peas
[which i've never made before]
and which i bought to make a sort of protein rich polenta
and or protein rich corn bread
neither of which i have felt like eating

i submersion blended the peas
mixed em with bulgar wheat
and some queso left over from nachos yesterday

they aren't done yet
but the filling tasted way better than the beans and rice stuff
i've come up with before

and yellow peas are comparable with beans
bulgar isn't as nutrient dense as brown rice
but it gives a better texture
and the queso is basically junk food
but it added flavor better than sliced cheese
and i didn't use a ton of it

in the broth
i used some of those chiles
kombu [de rigueur]
celery
garlic powder, white pepper
cumin, curry powder
red wine

it came out quite spicy

i've got four bell peppers baking
so i'm hoping to get two meals out of it
two bell peppers is a pretty good sized meal
with a cucumber, tomato, and avocado salad on the side
or cauliflower
those are my two
not going to the store options

i feel kinda silly posting this
but
i felt a little self conscious about my last post
and all the weird food i eat
and i felt like this
was slightly redemptive

i'm sure i told you about my chili escapades
and i haven't really had the guts yet to tackle meatloaf
i was particularly proud of my meatloaf
especially after i pioneered my meat blend
1/3 hamburger + 1/3 dark meat turkey + 1/3 mushrooms
it sounds funny
but it was great
much lower calorie and fat
moister
better texture

but what can i use now
tempeh + mushrooms + ?
i haven't even known where to start
without using fake meat or textured vegetable protein
and i really don't want to go down that path
but the yellow split peas might be a start

turn it and turn it

last night the dreams were
deep and strong
complex
and
i can't remember them

i don't know
maybe
you don't like the food talk

i was wondering today
if the stuff i cook even sounds good to you
i mean
it's got a lot of weird ingredients
the macrobiotic staples have never left
even though i'm not macro
and there's a lot of raw
even though i'm not raw

sometimes
i have these fantasies
that i'm making thing special for you
catering to your health needs
and you love them
and feel really loved

then sometimes i think:
yeah whatever he's just humoring you and then running out for cheese burgers

maybe you spend all your time out
and expect that i'd have a bunch of friends

and i'm all fantasizing about making up
big batches of slaw and borscht and dehydrator cookies
so you'd have things to eat if you got hungry at random times

where is that stuff coming from
maybe
you think the stuff i make sounds yucky
and it's weird
because
although i never wanted to be domestic
some of the stuff i think i want
sounds dangerously domestic

i guess i've put a lot of energy into my food
so it makes sense

if i start dreaming about washing your underwear
and picking up after you
then
i will really really worry about myself

oh yeah, i forgot

this is important

when i cook the fish
i put it in a covered dish
in the oven at 350
i pour some olive oil in the bottom of the dish
rub the fish in the oil
[both sides]
set it skin side down to cook
put a pretty fair dose
of key lime juice over it
cover and cook

today
i was trying to juggle all the other stuff
so i realized
hey
that fish is gonna get over cooked
so i turned the oven off
i'm not sure when
but that played into the outcome
and i will do it that way from now on
and the juice
is a lovely salad dressing
i frequently just toss the fish and sauce
with greens
and call that a meal

so that
is really the fourth trick
just as important as any of the others
because i drizzled it liberally over the tacos

more food talk

i think i finally have a fish taco recipe
i am a late-comer to the world of the fish taco

they are kind of new here
[like twenty years old]
and i though of them as
"california cuisine"
not mexican food

but i had some
in california
at a restaurant bar on the beach
they were like happy hour food two dollars each
ate them while i watched the laker game
and
at first
i thought:
what's with the freakin slaw
it's supposed to be iceberg lettuce and tomato
but
by the time i ate the third one
i was sold

so i've tried to come up with my version
and they've never been that good
but tonight
i think i finally got it
they are not spicy though

naturally they have fish and slaw and avocado, but

the trick is like three things:

cod instead of salmon
[i default to salmon or tuna, normally
but i'm branching out to cod, halibut, barramundi]

no louisiana hot sauce
in the slaw
i always add this
but today
today i couldn't find it so i didn't
and i was reworking the slaw anyway
i can't believe they have no heat
but they are way better

fusion
i added some grilled onion and bell pepper
[in a nod to the fajita taco]

i have put some effort into my slaw recipe, seriously
but this one is the best so far

cabbage eviscerated into tiny little shreds
onion tiny shreds
jicama tiny shreds
toasted sesame seed oil
brown rice vinegar
umeboshi vinegar
black sesame seeds
white pepper
spike seasoning

eight - thirty

at eight-thirty i feel you
i lay in bed alone
covers pulled up to my breast bone
my head is vaguely pounding
and i shift my neck on the pillow
to try to stretch it out or pop it or something
i can't remember my dreams
though i am barely awake
and then
you're there

i feel you first
as an energetic wave
tumbling over me
then pulling me in it's undertow
contracting inward
and then rolling outward

i check
and find
dampness
were you with me in dreams
or
is it just the spill from this last wave

i think about you

thinking about me


eight-thirty

the last few evenings
i've felt you too
a couple days ago
with the force of plate tectonics
till i went off to the bath

tonight
it was later
and but brief

i wonder if it's all in my head
F4

in the beginning
i used to be sure it was you
but now
i think that then it was just the drugs

i kind of miss the drugs
but
mostly
i don't really think about it

but if you only knew the things you did to me
when first i thought you wanted me
in the big chair outside
underneath the stars

and i soared above you
you were in your mother's yard maybe
not sure, but somewhere like that, with others there
and you freaked and said:
not here
i can't do this now
and
that was when i started
calling from a safe distance

but it's been so different
the last couple years

i can rarely see inside your head
never project to you
and maybe
it is the lack of drugs
or maybe
i'm afraid to intrude
or i don't know

maybe i'm just letting you
come to me instead
and you do

mostly in electrical spasms


and i'm thinking about the way
when i'm near you
we don't occupy separate space
i don't feel attraction or repulsion from you
the way i normally would from another
which is why i'm never sure
with you
because
i just feel us
as the same energy
same frequency
but
never
that sort of invasive tension

and i think it must be like that for you too
because i'm never pushing into your space either
i'm so controlled and yet so permeable with you
it sounds bizarre
but it feels
somewhat
like
home

and i wonder if the lovemaking will
lack the awkwardness that everything else with you has lacked

but
as i sit here drinking my shiraz
i just want to be
close to you

my cooking exploits may only be exciting to me

okay
so remember how i went to the farmer's market
i got that big bag of dried chiles
i never did say what i got them for
and
sure
i'm gonna use them for a bunch of stuff
but
i specifically got them for borscht
i was using the chili flakes
like the kind one uses on pizza
but i thought i'd try
extended simmering
of large dried peppers
to flavor the water
before
starting the soup proper

so i did that
with kombu
[cause i don't make soup without kombu anymore]
for about an hour and a half
four large chiles
and a 4x4 sheet of kombu
with some garlic powder and white pepper

and it was pretty tasty just like that, actually

i added more water
three enormous beets, diced
some more galic and white pepper
the left over juice from preserved lemons
and some nellie & joe's famous key west lime juice
[my go to "lemon juice"]

and it was too full to add the onions

so i let it cook down for another thirty minutes

i took the chiles out
because i down want them dropping all their seed
i just wanted them for flavor
and two hours is plenty of flavor

i added one big sweet yellow onion
some lemon/orange pepper
and some shiraz

it's been cooking a while now
it tastes sweeter than is maybe optimal for me
but i don't add sugar or anything
i've never used key lime juice before
normally i use lemon juice
and apple cider vinegar
and i have trouble getting it tart enough
no problem this time
perfect on the tartness scale

i'm gonna let the onions cook down
then i'll strain it
maybe eat the beets for dinner
and chill the soup
i have some pickled beets that i can add
if i want chunks later

but mostly
i don't add dairy
i don't add chunks
i just
chill
and drink

i was trying to think what i think about marriage

you see
i want to marry you
have wanted to since forever

but
i'm not really sure
what i mean when i say that

i've always been uncomfortable
with the whole patriarchal framework
and i disagree on principle
with involving the government

so
just on that basis
i should not want to get married

but
it isn't just that

the whole planning, expense, and psychosis
that i find vaguely nauseating
i don't have a bunch of friends
and i don't want my family there
[that sounds harsh i know
but it's how i feel]

so
why
am i surfing websites
looking at ketubahs
[http://www.etsy.com/listing/69258281/talmud-page-ketubah]
why do i want to be under the chuppah with you
glass breaking

what is it that i actually want
not some community event
[which is what i think i'm supposed to want]
not an occasion to wear a fancy dress
[i can't even picture myself in a wedding dress]
not a legally binding contract
[saying you got trouble to get rid of me]
not some sort of religious act
[invoking the laws of moses and all]

so what exactly is it that i want

i guess
it's some sort of
symbolic transformative moment
that i'm looking for
but of a specific kind
because
i think we've had transformative moments

do you understand this

is it all emotional


it's not that i want to own you
or control you

i'm not now
nor have i ever tried to tell you what to do
i might tell you what i want
or what i need
or what i think is right or fair
and then i might wait forever
for you to decide that you are willing to do that

or i might give up and decide that you'll never
be willing or able or whatever

see

i know you love me
i have known it for like
coming up on five years
but what that means
to you
to me
to the nature of reality

that's the part
i'm never completely sure about

and i get now
that maybe it wasn't like it was for me, for you
or maybe it was but you deal with it differently

anyway
maybe you don't remember meeting me
and maybe i was just a very abstract love
maybe you felt like you had to do or say
things that weren't true
to keep me interested

but
surely we are beyond that
so there is never any need
to tell me what you think i want to hear
if what you want from me is limited
i will not hold that against you
i know girls say that kind of thing
and it is almost always a lie

but let me explain:
i want what you want freely to give me
if i feel like i'm forcing it from you

[whether it is a big or small deal]
it makes it tainted

and i want to feel free to give to you
if i feel like i can't trust you

[see above]

so
if you want the perfect longing of never having
i get that
and
if you love my mind
but you don't find me physically attractive
i get that

telling me either of those things
would not make me stop loving you

and i'm not saying that either is the case
but
do you understand

i cannot believe it has been forever
and we aren't bored with each other

preserving my love for you
is more important than the form
of the expression

i don't know if you
know what i mean or not

maybe i'm blah blah-ing so much that i'm just making you insecure

but i'm confident that this trait
is not something you understand well
or have experienced
like ever
so
i'm just trying to make it clear
like i thought i had
but
am now sure i didn't
years ago

what perhaps is true-ly random

last night i dreamed
i cut my hair
or got it cut
really
and
somehow
with the cutting it got thicker

i was happy
there was probably some other stuff, too

today
a guy was startled when i told him my age
he thought i was a couple years younger than him
and he's six years younger than me
that felt ok
although
secretly
i want to look 28
i don't know why 28
i don't think that's particularly realistic
but there it is

i'm not as sore as i expected to be
from my fall
which is good

they are supposed to be opening
a soccer stadium
within walking distance
from where i live
do you think
i can learn to like soccer

love you very much

i don't know what this means

i went to the farmer's market today
i woke up with a headache
got a late start
blah blah
blah

i asked for a sign
i think i got more than one

i bought mostly fruit
tomatoes and cucumbers
apricots and guavas
figs and finger bananas
strawberries
avocados
some dried chilies
a huge bag of hybiscus tea
a few vegetables
but apparently
i want fruit, mostly

don't think there's a sign there

when i was leaving it started to rain
this might be a sign
as we have had no measurable rain for over 100 days

but my car doesn't like the rain
and it was about 4 and there was traffic
so stop and starting
and it tried to die
[and i specifically said no car signs
so even though this was disturbing
i don't think it's a sign]
so i pulled into a parking lot
and i sat there for almost 3 hours
asking my music player to answer questions for me randomly
and singing

i didn't actually find this boring
but it did reinforced how much i hate traffic

the answers it gave me were
nothing short of amazing
like the perfect answers sometimes
perfect song for the answer
sadie brown and sarah and when i asked it
if i was the love of your life

[cause i realize i might not be
it could be that girl from when you were 12
or it could be
well, somebody else
but you know i want it to be me
like by a landslide, not even close]

anyway, so i asked it, and
the answer made me breath a little harder

but when i got back to the house
i was carrying in all my bags
and my cat got under my feet
and my pants were falling down, too long
and the rug was flipped back slightly
all of which
in some combination
i went sprawling to the floor
and landed hard
on my right breast

so now i'm really sore
and tomorrow it will really really hurt, i think

i soaked in some epsom salts
turned over in the tub
and thought i felt you with me

when i asked my computer player
how you were feeling about me
because i thought maybe
something
since i thought i felt you
but it says
you think i'm breaking up with you

which i don't think you think
but just so you know
i am not

feeling from the depths

i don't remember
what i dreamed
i remember
the feeling

like
a
hug

a
needed
hug

and
i don't
know

if
i know
why things are what they are, or
what any of it means, or even if it matters
that i understand any of it, because, maybe it
only matters that i
love you

can be with you in spirit
even when my body
isn't

and tonight, beloved
i imagine the feel of denim
touching you
through your clothes
tentatively, like a girl
let me spin the bottle
meet me in the closet
for however many minutes in heaven it is

paint the story of your love
on my flesh

what shall we use for paint

we could pick berries
into the rolled upward end of a t-shirt
crushing them in one palm
on the grass by a stream
a creek

i roll into you
all the beautiful exploratory boy-girl moments
that i never really had
and never really knew i wanted

i will lick dewberry juice from you


another night
we can be grown up

still talking, probably not making sense

what i think i had planned to talk about
was shifting schedules
and time

where i feel you
from a distance

what happened the last time
the emperor card
started showing up for you

things not visible

and why

thoughts, and i've only got a few minutes so there may be more later

i was reading that book about the exodus
and it was poetic
and beautiful
but intense
so
i had set it aside for a while
but
i'm reading inventing jewish ritual
which i really really love

and today i read a section
which referenced
what i'd already read in the other book
in relation to a ritual among lubavitcher women in ny
their use of tambourines
in 1994 when their rebbe was dying
and they thought he was coming back
moshiach

it being their responsibility
to keep the faith, as it were
and the whole thing again
with the little fishes

and i'm not sure why, but
i wept

i was in public too
reading while having lunch
and it wasn't anything to do with belief
in a moshiach
because, as far as that goes
i think i only very weakly believe in messianic consciousness
or, well to be honest, i'm not really sure how to take all that
i'd have to err on the side of:
o. k. ummmm
if asked

so it wasn't any burning religious fervor

so i'm not sure what it was

but i suspect
it had something to do with you

so
do you suppose
i should take that as a good sign
or a bad sign
because
i really am not sure what emotion that was
i'm going with moved
but

i don't know
i don't really believe their messiah is coming
and that made me sad
maybe for them
but maybe for me too
that i don't believe

this wasn't really what i planned to say
and now i have to go

and there's something i'm worried about that i can't ask
and even if i could how could you answer

so
just imagine
i'm bringing you a jug
half full of little fishes

i find that image so evocative

ok so i said there'd be more later, so i'm back

the touch screen maps
were part of some system
i was working with this guy
to set up some sort of fan based system

i was asking him:
what is the thing
the thing that'll take it to the next level
i was concerned that the guy we were building it for
should finally get what it was he wanted
from his life
his career
not because i wanted it
not even because i wanted to say
that i had any part of it
i wanted it for him

then
i was hanging out with the family
and the sunflower was part of the family


today
i wondered about that
and i wondered
if you read it
if you wondered
if i had something i was trying to say
and i didn't, naturally
it was a subconscious manifestation

but
i wondered:
does she represent a part of me
or
am i saying i'm too old

maybe

i could actually make either case

i also thought
because i still actually think
crazy as it may be
that some part of you was thinking of me
as an oklahoma sunflower
and i picked it up in my dream

because i really, actually think
that our minds are partially linked
that's not some metaphor
it's just
that
it's not a complete and perfect link
so only things you think very strongly
are at all clear
but
those are not the only things i pick up

anyway
maybe that isn't [any of it] right

i certainly can't tell you what you're thinking right now

my meditative attempts just now
brought up my second grade elementary school lunch room
with the mondrian prints
and some performance of a snoopy play

i had brownie meeting in that room too
after school
and school photos were taken there
actually
it wasn't just mondrian prints
there were prints from a bunch of artists
but those
are the ones i wanted to know who painted them
badly enough to go examine the print closely
piet mondrian

i didn't like girl scouts
i think i thought we'd camp
or learn wilderness skills
but it was just weaving pot holders and
making piggy banks out of bleach bottles
and selling cookies
it was total crap

we bought my clothes at sears on main st
or at woolworths

i got my ears pierced at the end of that year

is any of this something you wanted to know
i don't know why i'd think of that stuff

really wild dream

can't finish now
but i gotta get this down

there were touch screen maps

there was a really pretty
and nice
and young
woman

who

had had your baby
i'm not sure what connection that gave her to me

i was a little bit jealous
but she was one of those oklahoma sunflower girls
sweet and blonde and impossible not to love
only she'd been groomed in california
so she was flawless as well

and i thought:
maybe she's better
she seems to have unlimited energy

she and the toddler also
seemed to be nudists

i said something to her about her
superior energy and stamina
and she said:

don't be silly
all you need to do
is massage the energy point on your ring finger
see, like this
[and she showed me]

more later gotta go

so today i went to synagogue

i was kinda scared
so i started with what i thought would be
biggest and most anonymous most reform-y
it's supposed to have like 1700 families membership
i figured i'd get lost
but there were not more than fifty people there
and the first thing i got asked:
are you a member

but the little flyer thingy said:
guests welcome

so when i got asked
i was prepared:
i am what you'd call a guest

but, i mean, everyone was nice

but i didn't know the songs
and i don't know the communal prayers
and the parshat discussion didn't move me

the only thing that did move me
was when people got up to say their yahrzeits
it made me want to hug them


i have very limited experience with religious services of any kind
i tried to go to metropolitan community church for a while
to try to meet someone
but then it occurred to me
that what i'd probably meet was a christian
so i kinda lost interest then
but the music had notes
and even though i can't really sight read
it helps

i might
i'm working up my nerve
go tomorrow
to the second oldest
which is a (i understand fairly liberal) conservative synagogue
which is actually supposed to be the largest member base
in the state
i think

i have actually been there before
when i was in college
i went with kelly
but all i remember was this:

everybody looked at me like i was dressed like
the whore of babylon
and men and women sat "together"
on opposite sides of the room
and i was so uncomfortable
i just wished
i could fall through a hole in the earth

so this might be a good week to go back

is it wrong that i really prefer english
is it wrong that if i have to sing in hebrew
i feel like i should at least get to sing quarter tones

i was not feeling it
i wanted to feel it
i just wasn't

random stuff

sometimes
random coincidences
seem so prescient that i think
they can't any of them mean anything
or they all do
or some of them
or none of them
or some combination

but
when you've seen something
maybe dozens of times
and suddenly
you see something

that never meant anything
and suddenly it does
but
in a way
that reminds you
of other things
that meant something
in something that was not itself without meaning
it can get pretty confusing, actually


totally unrelated to that
or
maybe, really, it isn't...hmmmm

i am so happy with my new thumb
i never realized how much i worried it
rubbing and mashing and irritating the knot

i've been trying to remember to be
specifically grateful
for each time i notice
a decrease in chronic pain
an increase in flexibility
because that's just right

but
i never realized
that the thumb was much of anything

just
now
the absence
makes me realize
it was almost continually painful
just on such a low level that it never really registered

lack of pain
makes me happy

i dreamed something i thought was interesting
but i can't remember now
i'll write more later
if i can remember

do something nice for yourself today
i'm not with you and i can't
but i'm feeling the kind of bubbling of
whatever it is
that would make me want to do something special

i'm about to see my mom
which might suck it right out of me
so i wish it for you, now

inky blankets and diamond stabbings

i was a detective
or
possibly
i just worked for a detective
not totally clear on that

there was a couple in the office
they were shopping for a blanket

that seems out of place
in a detective office

they were looking at
a crocheted number
not like granny-square crocheted
like all one color
all one texture
black, with a sheen like fresh ink

and i wanted it

the texture made it
ripple across the bed
in a way that drew me
magnetically
distractingly

then they were gone
and i don't know
they must have gotten the blanket
because it was gone
but there were other blankets
and bags of stuff
scattered

and one of them had a bag of diamonds in it

i don't know if that was a strategy
or what

but a guy came into the office
and he went right to them
i fought him
and he stabbed me in the hand

in the side of my fist
down at the base of my palm

i continued to fight him off
and maybe i cut him
or maybe he just
was gonna come back
with fire power
but he left

i had to pee
probably because i actually needed to
but i was trying to stay asleep

the bathroom in the office was up by the front doors
they were broken and wouldn't lock
and people were trying to come in

i was alone
and i was telling them:
wait just a minute
i'm the only one running the front
let me just pop in the restroom really quickly
then i'll take care of you

i went into the bathroom
and tried to figure out what to do



kinda scary, and
when i got stabbed
i didn't bleed at all
and
when i'm looking at it now
[my hand]
i can see that
when i make a fist with my left hand
it pulls in and makes a weird jagged dent
pretty much where he stabbed me
i'm sure i'd notice that before
but it was still weird to see it like that
the other hand doesn't do it

and
would that still be a blanket
if it's all crocheted
or would it become an afghan

i have a bunch of thoughts, so here is where i blah blah

all my blah blah sounds kinda dorky

i keep deleting it

some is torah portion stuff:

this week
is the spies sent to canaan

and wandering another 40 years
not because they're lost
but
because
they are lost
children of slavery

and
it made me feel
closer to you, strangely
and
i'm not sure
never sure, really
if you get me completely
but
i had this moment

these two guys i know
they were talking to each other
while i was talking to someone else
and then i turned
and they both
shut up
and
looked vaguely guilty
so maybe they were talking about me
who can say
and
i said:
you know even if you were talking about me
it's fine with me
because there's nothing wrong with me

and
it wasn't awkward or anything
but i realized later

it wasn't really them i was telling

and
i'm not sure why i'm telling you this now
something to do with
giving people ammunition
and how they don't really understand me

it's hard
people not understanding me
but it doesn't always work against me

i never told you this
but i had
sort of
a plan b
i had this sperm donor all picked out
he was a scientist
from israel
with strawberry blonde hair
and
i don't know if you know
but the donor profiles
they're like playboy or penthouse
they tell you
he has pianist hands
and plays sports and guitar
stuff like that

but i could never do it
and now
he retired his juice
so i really can't

and
i don't know why i told you that either
maybe the kid thing works out
and maybe it doesn't
but
for whatever reason
it's gotta be you

so you just be
however you need to be

hey, ya know what

i love you

and

even though

i'm not a bad writer

i hope

that also

i'm not a bad ego stroker

cause i never said i was against that

just that i was more than that

don't know why i'm telling you that

but

you're still a pain in the ass

please take care of yourself

weird stuff that probably only interests me

ok
so
the other day
maybe four or five days ago
i noticed that my thumb hurt

i have this spot on my thumb, that
gets irritated occasionally
when i was like 23 or 24 i got this
i wanna say wart
and
i cut it out
with a razor blade
twice
so
i've had this little knot of scar tissue
and sometimes it gets irritated

so i thought it was just that

but then
it got to really hurting
so
i looked at it
and it's got this big bubble of pus
coming up under it

so i figure i musta gotten a splinter or something
and not noticed because
the skin is so thick and callus-y
so blah blah blah
i soak it in hot salt water
and i try to find something that'll puncture it
but i couldn't
without slicing it open
so i just went to sleep and went and got a needle the next day

and
you know me
i was thinking
what the hell is this shit supposed to be telling me

so i punched it four or five times
drained it
soaked it in salt water some more
and there was a hole underneath the knot now
which seemed to be healing fine

but today
today there's a white ring around the whole thing
and i'm all like:
what the fuck is this now
so
of course

i pick at it

and the whole thing comes off
knot and all
and
i have completely new skin
that twenty year old knot
gone

and
i never did find the splinter
or whatever
so
i really don't know what that was all about

breathing under water

shavuot, thoughts

i wrote this whole long thing
but it wasn't very good

i didn't make cheese cake
i didn't want it for myself

what i really wanted was to make it
for you
to eat it with you
taste the milk and honey

in my mind
the first fruits
coming at the end of the count down
festival of weeks
standing at sinai a bride
with the torah some sort of cosmic ketubah
all swirled together with my love for you, beloved
it all assumed a magical realism quality
which, here, without you
i have failed to bring off


i have been thinking about you


and tonight, beloved
it is your skin
your face
there is some quality now
which is refined
starkly handsome in some way
that makes the man you were eight years ago
seem unappealingly under-ripe

and i stand at sinai
feel the rush as the world spins
through space and time
my neshama in the very breath of god

and i pray
i am black but comely
may it please you that he long for me
that he forever seek and find the taste of milk and honey
and i also, our tongues eternally joyful

i touch your cheek
twine my fingers behind your neck
and finally kiss you
with fearful trembling
at the offering of first fruits

random writing

a homeless woman gave me
a beautiful
large
cutting
of purple wandering jew today

i'm not sure why
i was talking to someone else
when she came back and left it for me
i didn't see it until she had already left

i tend to see it as a sign
of what exactly, i'm not sure


i've got shit going on with me
have had
for a while
that
i keep thinking is coming from somewhere else
maybe you
if you're sending
thoughts
images
emotions
through the ether to me
maybe that's possible

maybe i've just lost it completely
i'm having these long periods of electricity
like you're working on something ongoing
rather than just the surge i get
when you read something
or whatever

sometimes i have thought i knew what was going on
and then i thought of something else
which made me question
whether i have any clue

it may be
that none of this makes any sense to you
that you have no idea what i'm talking about

in fact
if i wasn't crazy
i'd probably know
that it's all in my head

even though
i guess
technically
i'm kinda old
i feel like i'm always just a little bit
more naive when it comes to you than i really should be

i have this new title swirling around in my head [may be inappropriate, but] feels right

i have this story that's trying to write itself in my head

i am almost afraid to write it though

it's about going to see my dad
several years ago now
some stuff i never told you

and
really
i don't think the whole thing can be about that
i think it just has to start that way
but
it's disturbing to me
so i both really want
and really don't want to write it

which means, maybe
that it has the potential to be good

the title that wants to stick
but only if it's a longer work:

half kaddish for rain

and it starts
[i only like to write in poem-y format]:


it wasn't the first thing he asked me
there were greetings
there was small talk
my mother had had her [artificial] christmas tree up all year
i had seen her the day before
he and i both looked at the wreath, unadorned
the one concession to the season
just a mild indication, really
that any sort of life
still existed anywhere

and when i woke the next morning
he was painting watercolor ornaments
cutting them out
hanging them
on the wreath

now
he said
now we're ready for next year

no no no
my brother said
scattering the effort
and bursting the bubble of the moment

maybe it was after that
or maybe
maybe it was the first possible moment
on the first day
i can't remember
so as i recount it
i place it after this first touch

he asked me
and i had answered
before i knew i heard the question right

can i brush your hair
yeah okay i said aloud
but
really
it felt more like:

dear god yes, please

and that
was when
the whole thing
started to fall sideways

in case you've never heard michael wex

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHv0bHWBuJA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzR4IqwojTY

rabbi akiva @crackerbarrel redux

it's not that i'm more learned
it's just
that
what i've got seems
all current event-y

i was on the road
i stopped

now
i like cracker barrel
it reminds me of places
the little country places
my mom and i would stop when driving back to her parent's house
where you'd sit down and they'd bring you a basket of biscuits
before you even ordered
with butter
and honey
and
you could buy jerky
and quarts of milk with cream rising to the top

cracker barrel reminds me of stuckey's
with it's jarring orange-ness
and it's kitschy crap and candy

spliced
with those beloved country food memories

somehow
it works

or at least
it had until now


i was on the road
and there just isn't that much
i can eat, anymore, at the ol' cb
but i stopped
in louisiana
for the coffee
and
just for the record
no louisiana coffee for cb
just whatever they serve wherever

whatever

but i took in my book
i'm reading three
but i just took in one:
entering jewish prayer
cause i'm trying to understand what it's all about

now
i don't know if this is pertinent or not
but, in the spirit of full disclosure
i had just been listening to
just say nu
in the car
more because i love michael wex' voice
than for any real yiddishkeit
but
whatever
i think i'm somewhere between a pisher
and an alter cocker
when i walk into the ol' cb

and, i mean, i've bought cds there
i count on them to have classic country
or
at least
something good enough to be background noise

but
what they lacked in coffee
they apparently planned to make up for with
christian music

not gospel
not bluegrass
not oh brother where art thou
just big honkin no musically redeeming value christian music

so i'm looking at my three menus
trying to find something i feel okay about eating

and i ended up getting a fish sandwich
and then that felt weird
cause it was friday
and it was like i was encouraging them

so then
while i'm waiting for my food to come
drinking my coffee
trying to get
over the fact
that i got four hours sleep the night before
wishing i could have gotten by
on my
fresh strawberries
saviseed, chocolate maca, & sprouted buckwheat granola
and papaya, guava, & oat bran dehydrator cookies
feeling like everybody in the joint is staring at me
probably
because i look like a female version
of the guy from the unbelievable truth

and then
rabbi akiva said:

study is more important than performance

and
i thought i might be okay, afterall

if only i could remember and describe the dreams i've had in the last few days

i don't know if they mean anything
but
they certainly have been
packed with stuff

astronauts
bodies of water
multiple perspectives
stuff
stuff
stuff

and
strangely
last night
or, more accurately
this morning

someone ordering coffee
with two eggs
and
coconut
but
like
in the drink, like:

grande
two egg
coconut
latte

and the barista said:

i don't care how weird your drink is
just
get the
calling order
right


what do you think
that
means

i went up to the attic, put on my blue silk shirt

stuff

i don't feel like me
maybe i'm getting sick
maybe i'm having an identity crisis
maybe it's that i've hardly spoken to you
for like ten days

whatever the reason

i feel weird

scatter-brained

i had the beginning germ of a story
in my mind
i was excited at the prospect of writing it for you
and then it just vanishes from my head

i think i'm sleep deprived
and i've had bad dreams
and i drove on i-35
and nothing blew up
but it was a toll road

i asked god for a revelation
and i just felt like i was separated from myself
in another dimension

i feel like i was gone for an eternity
and it wasn't even very long


i miss you intensely

i don't think i'm me anymore
if i'm not talking to you

it's not that i didn't want to finish that post....

although
all the stuff the title might have
made you imagine
might be more exciting than
the original thought

i might
when i've read more
have to write a story

i've been on the road
and
have not had internet
don't have consistent internet now

i worry
that if you don't hear from me
you think
i've quit you
or am injured
or something
though
maybe that isn't the case

but
my new cards
they say
you aren't worried
not at all
like
that you're really really happy

in some new level of happiness

so
i hope they're right

i love you
and i've been thinking about you constantly
even if i've been quiet

rabbi akiva @ the cracker barrel

tonight, beloved, it is your legs

and
in particular
your gait

so very

rue full

no beast of burden you

and on the ship she read i will fear no evil

lounging on deck chairs
letting me go where i would
staring at the running water
contemplating shuffleboard
the swimming pools were all filled
with water from the sea
which burned my eyes
and deterred swimming
i entertained myself

until
someone from the crew
propositioned my mother

at which point
she decided i was not safe
i was nine
and without breasts
but

suddenly

my vacation was cut short

she attached herself
to a married couple with a son
more or less my age

i didn't like him, particularly

my days became
endless ping pong

my evenings
evil under the sun
murder by death
until i rejoined my mother
for exquisite meals
and
what i knew even then
were bad floor shows

he seemed to like me
marginally more than i liked him
and it may have been a form of rudimentary flirting
or it might have been something else

but he was continually and forever
calling me:
moose

which i hated
volubly

until
he just said it one time too many

at which point
i walked up to him
grabbed a big bunch of shirt
and pulled him to attention:

if you call me moose
one more time
i'm gonna beat the crap out of you

after that
she seemed to have time for me
mysteriously
again

i love you