thoughts on paris and london and scotland [corrections]

i am trying to imagine
maybe because i was just looking on amazon at books about paris
not that i necessarily want to live in paris you understand
but there is a sort of writer mystique about the place
and so i find myself piecing together
all these little snippets of images
transposing them
and us
as though we had lived in paris
but
i mean, i don't really have enough

of paris
or of you

i don't know what we would do together in paris

i think i would go to large outdoor markets
and buy cheese and bread and fruits and wine
i don't think i would go to museums in paris
i would walk along the seine
i would drink coffee
eat in little cafes

maybe paris would just be a big city full of people
and tourists
and maybe its magic would be lost on me

when i was about 20
i had a friend who studied for a semester in london
i went and stayed with him for a few days
before he went off to france
and i went off to scotland
we went to madame tussuad's
we went to the changing of the guard

and
he assessed me thus:
you have a problem with crowds

we also went to a bunch of clubs
and that was ok fun
but to be honest
i had more fun on my adventure by myself

i took the night train to edinburgh
when i got there the i wasn't open yet
and it was freezing
although it was late july
i went to a fancy hotel
thinking they would have a restaurant
but they didn't really want to serve me without a room number
i think i got semi-hysterical
because i hadn't actually been able to sleep on the night train either
and i told them
i couldn't possibly check in until i had had a proper breakfast
and it was early
but i had no intention of staying there it was way too expensive

i had the absolute best oatmeal that it is possible to imagine
and smoked fish of some sort [kippers maybe]
and tea

and then i went to the i and got a bed and breakfast
which i had trouble finding
and almost cried wandering around the streets
i have zero maps skills
and an old man stopped me
asked me where i was from
i told him
and he said:
ya shada bra yr hoerse wi ya
and made me laugh
and pointed out the way

and there were no single rooms
because it was the tattoo
which i didn't know
and didn't attend
but i got a "double" room
which was like one bed and a roll away
for like 20 pounds
and i was right next to the downstairs half bath
and i had a wash stand and an electric kettle and a t.v.
i wandered around all day until i got blisters
and when it got dark i didn't want to be out
it's weird
because in london, even alone
i went out to bars and got lost and wandered around drunk
and felt perfectly safe
but in edinburgh
it was too quiet, too deserted
i couldn't feel safe out at night
and besides, my feet hurt
so i drank pots and pots of tea and ate weird snacks i bought in shops
and watched the BBC
and i think most of the guests were upstairs, or out
and it was like i had the whole place to myself and i loved it

then i took the train across the highlands
which took most of the day, and was a scenic sort of thing
someone from my father's mother's father's side of the family
was supposedly some sort of something in scotland
and i always had this sort of fantasy thing for it

moor, heather and loch; red red rose, auch
the romance you might have had for the west, i had that for the highlands

so i bought a bunch of strongbow and snacks
and the train ride was a dream come true
the cars were old
and roomy
nothing new-fangled or fancy about them
with benches
with tables
and i stared out the windows

there are no trees
none
because it is above the tree line
and it is all purple heather and thistles and whatever
but that was perfect, just the sound of the train the wind
blowing cold across my face and a slightly drunken haze
sometimes i went to stand in the connector section to be more out

at some point a very very sick old man sat down behind me
and a few days later i had a cold, which sucked
but for then, it was amazing

then a girl sat next to me and asked me where i was going
i told her i was going to skye
i had seen a coffee table type book about skye
and it seemed like my ideal place

she was astonished:
you should come with me to plockton there is nothing to do in skye

i could not be dissuaded

i went to skye [kyle of lochalsh]
the train station was a platform, no building, no nothing
and i had not checked where i was staying, i just went
it was getting dark
and cold
and i wondered:
how will i sleep at the train station
if there's no train station

god, i'm gonna need a hotel of some sort, pretty please
and i started wandering the streets figuring there had to be something somewhere

and i found someplace
it was really beautiful
and almost full, because there was a golf tournament i hadn't known about going on
and i was just at the very tail end of if-you-get-in-there-right-now
you can get dinner
so i ordered
dropped my stuff in the room
changed shirts
i changed into this beautiful intensely blue african tunic
and when i walked in to dinner
some children pointed me out to there parents
as being, a freak i guess
and i can't remember what i ate, maybe lamb, i don't think i was spoiled for choice
i think all the fish was gone already
and there was a tub in the room, which was a beautiful room, small, charming
but i was getting heart palpitations because it was like almost 40 pounds
but it was wonderful
and i was not complaining
thank you god
and i even got dinner in time

and the next day i went across on the ferry
[i said before it was portree, but it was kyleakin]
and the signs were in gaelic
and there was a highland games going on that i hadn't known about
and i think
i thought
i had died and gone to heaven
i didn't even take any pictures
i just wandered around
smelled the sea air
had tea
saw guys stomping around in kilts
bag-pipes
caber toss
craft shops

there was this one shop
it had hand made sweaters
with the most beautiful designs i had ever seen
and i wanted one fervently, as intensely as i have ever wanted anything, maybe
and it was like 100 bucks which was a steal
what i really wanted to do was to figure out how to import the sweaters
sell them to nieman's or sakowitz or something
but i didn't buy one
because
when the hell would i have worn it
it was wool
it was never cold enough

i loved skye

then i got back on the train
to inverness
my plan had been to go to the isle on man
but it turned out the ferry sure enough went there that day
i had checked that
but it didn't come back in time for my flight home
so
i ended up going back to inverness
on the edge of loch ness
my gran-gran and i had spent a lot of time talking about the loch ness monster
she had theories
but it seemed very dark, boggy
i couldn't imagine there being a hold-over dinosaur of some kind living there
i couldn't really imagine any little fishes living there
it seemed wicked, incapable of life
and i sat in the train station bar and drank for hours
trying to decide what the fuck i was going to do now
there's a song
about never having written a song about something
and the first time i ever heard it
it took me instantly back to the train station bar, inverness

so i went back to london
went to the national gallery
wandered around carnaby street
ate take-away
drank

i can't remember if i saw a play or not
i had seen chess with jerry
oh
i do remember
i did see a play
it was awesome
i can't remember what it was called
it was about chinese immigrants from
i want to say hong kong
to canada
and it was in english [not more than half english]
and french and chinese
it was intense
and all about culture shock and alienation and dreams of happiness

i went to covent garden
and bought these art post cards from a strange woman on the street
that i have still never gotten framed
[but i think i still have them]
i helped tourists find there way in the tube

i went to the market in chalk farm
and bought falafel
and body shop products before they were even in the u.s.
[i had never heard of them but they were cool]
and i got a pint or half kilo or whatever of fresh raspberries
and got super sick
[but i though it was probably the falafel]
but i recovered fast
and it was a great day

and one night
when i was lost and drunk and riding the night bus
i sat next to this guy who was very excited to talk to an american
because he was fascinated that america had serial killers
and he knew them, regionally
and i got to tell him
the oldest son of one of my mom's best friends
i hadn't really been friends with him
i was friends with the youngest daughter
who was about five years older than me
but anyway
wade had been friends with this serial killer guy
or tried to be
but his mom
thought the guy was creepy
broke up the friendship
kept him away from him
so i was like six degrees of separation from one of this guy's killers
and even though i couldn't tell him anything much
it was pretty cool