I'm getting irritated with my therapist
he texted me
LAST WEEK he said
he was 90% and
NEXT WEEK
FOR SURE
YESTERDAY he said
we are ON for
TOMORROW
TODAY
I texted him
are we ON for NOON
& HE said THUMBS UP
THEN
he texted me
OH
I FORGOT
I have an appointment with my NEW
ENT at 11:30
can I text you LATER to reschedule
I guess
I FEEL like I NEED
HELP
& I'm starting to feel like
I'm being very patient and understanding
BUT
he's an unreliable narrator
I don't really think
he doesn't care
I think he's SO loopy on MEDS
that he can't manage his sh*t and THAT
doesn't SEEM to be getting
ANY better
MAYBE
I'm supposed to realize
I need to find somebody else to
therapize me
OR
MAYBE I'm supposed to realize
I don't really NEED therapy
ANY MORE
BUT
I don't FEEL
WELL
I FEEL like I can't QUITE
HANDLE my SITUATION
& EVERYTHING
FEELS
LIKE
parts of me are overloaded and the part that might sort it out is shut down
& EVERYTHING
is TOO MUCH
and I just want her to die already
& THAT FEELS
ICKY
REALLY
ICKY
& there are doctor appointments
& things that are up in the air
& I can't handle it
I can't HANDLE
DRIVING
or FLYING
or scheduling
or spending money
or not living up to expectations
& the IDEA that
I'm F*CKing
EVERYTHING UP
& the IDEA that if I don't
DELIVER
& ALL THAT
MAKES ME KNOW
that I'm TOO FREAKED out
to BE a PERSON
EVEN if
I could get anywhere, there is just no way to make any of this mess work for me right now
& I WANT to
HUG you
BUT
I'm not sure if I could get to you
that I wouldn't be
SO SPIKY
that THAT would be impossible
& I FEEL intermittently CRAZY
& LIMITED resource-y
& if I whip myself up into the FRENZY
I THINK I might
NEED to
MAKE
I'm not sure what I even need to DO
FAKE my own DEATH
I'm not THINKING rationally
SO
I KNOW
I NEED to RESOLVE
MYSELF somehow before I can be
DOING anything ELSE
BUT
I FEEL like I'm HURTING
YOU
ALL the FEELS
are CHAOTIC and I haven't WANTED to
TRY to EXPLAIN it
BECAUSE it SOUNDS
CRAZY
BUT
I guess that is because I
FEEL CRAZY
AGAIN
& I WILL get a handle on it
BUT
I haven't been able to
IDENTIFY
the thing that set me off, YET
MAYBE
I think I'm
LIKE her in some way I haven't been able to
isolate and cure
OR
MAYBE
everything just hit from too many angles
& the shut down is too
pervasive to shift
QUICKLY
because it WON'T STOP SCREAMING long enough to get a handle on it
I'm not super
FUNCTIONAL
THAT is the best I can do
by WAY of explaining
WHAT is GOING ON
I FEEL like
it doesn't adequately represent
the interior of my head
or the root cause
& possibly
it just sounds like bullsh*t
BUT
I'm in a STEP
I NEED
MORE TIME to
COMPLETE
& pretending I don't
isn't going to make good things happen
MAN
I F*CKing WANTED therapy today
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart
I hope you are having a beautiful day
