wednesday or thursday
I can't remember
I just out of the blue asked my mom
tell me something
GOOD
she's like
I love you
everyone who knows you
loves you
I'm LIKE
that's what she wants to hear, maybe
OR
I remember when I was a KID I'd be trying to
SAY something
& deborah would not let me
for long enough
that sometimes I'd forget what I wanted to SAY
& then she'd ASK ME
if I couldn't remember
I'd get yelled at
BUT
I wouldn't get yelled at if I said that what I had wanted to say was
I love you
& I thought to myself at the time six, seven
you should NOT do THAT
you MIGHT forget what love MEANS
if you use it WRONG
I don't know if my mother really loves me
I guess she does in whatever way
she can
BUT
it seems
WEIRD to ME
to tell me
everyone loves me
I mean it is patenly not true
& this is gonna sound
at LEAST
ODD
BUT
I was trying to get something
REAL out of her
that was not negative
a memory
an observation
SOMETHING
& I was disappointed
we went to the studio
BUT
she didn't want to paint
she just wanted to pay her rent
& talk to vikki
I needed some art supplies
& I didn't WANT to listen to her talk about
how SHE doesn't WANT to
MAKE me take
CARE of her
SHE
doesn't want to DISRUPT my life
which I DID hear
& I KNOW
there was MORE of THAT
I don't believe this to be TRUE
I think she is trying to make me FEEL
SHAME at not wanting to
TAKE care of her
OR
get sympathy for having
SUCH a daughter
OR
SOMETHING
& I didn't listen
BUT
I DID hear vikki SAY
at LEAST your kid LIVES in TOWN
& it's KINDA funny to me
although it makes me
KINDA MAD
that she thinks I would do things differently
because it MIGHT risk other's regard
those are nice people
I don't want to hurt them
BUT
they don't know me at all
& they've known me
for years
THIS
is a part of why I'm so bored with myself
I don't WANT to be an INFJ
it is SO f*CKing
BORING
& SOMETHING
to be this EMPRESS/DEATH situation
where I'm operating at this
LIKE
REMOVE
maybe multiple layers of remove
it's TEDIOUS
I'm not sure what I'm saying
is clear enough to make any sense
BUT
I don't know how else to explain it
I can TELL people about my
thoughts & experiences
BUT
it doesn't FEEL like they ever get what I'm talking about
& I KNOW
the KEY to whatever is
FINDING the THING
you can GIVE to
the WORLD
BUT
I'm burnt out
on people
right NOW
I WANT to FIND
ME
I know this is KINDA ramble-y
I know it doesn't explain
not really
I still don't have
WORDS
I don't have
TENDER FEELINGS
for my mom
BUT
I'm not TRYING to abandon her
I'm trying to get
HELP
& I'm trying to wrap all this bullsh*t up
she's a human
I'm not trying to disrespect her
& honestly I'm KINDA
exhausting myself
trying to
NOT
be TOO nice or helpful or accommodating
because that is apparently a
sign of weakness
that she will
try to exploit
I don't trust my mother
NOT to f*CK me OVER
AGAIN
in fact I absolutely think she will if she can
AND
I think
THAT SUCKS
there's
MORE
that's all I can put to WORDS right NOW
Lincoln Nebraska
I can't find a way to feel like
SHE knows who I AM
AT ALL
&
I KINDA low-key
WANT to
RAGE
at her somehow
NONE of this
STUFF with her
FEELS
warm & loving
OR
very closure-y
& I'm not sure if I'm explaining it in a way that makes sense to anyone but ME
insofar as I am even able to explain it
I gotta sleep
I hope this makes some sense
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart
goodnight
