I took a nap
BUT
something happened
I FEEL different
I texted my mom
I asked her how she was doing
I told her
I was gonna suggest that we go to lunch
& she could catch me up on all her medical
BUT
I hurt my knee
& I don't think I can get around
well enough for that
& I had a headache
SO
I didn't want to talk on the phone
SO
I was just checking in on her SITUATION
she said she was doing okay
she just missed me
my therapist texted me to confirm tomorrow
& then again, because I was asleep
& didn't text back
my knee is messed up
it's on the mend
BUT
how about we make it next week
I don't really think she misses me
& honestly
I think I'm making good progress without
my therapist
BUT
I feel like
some kind of threshold
I can't explain
it doesn't make sense
& remembering hearing cabaret for the first time
NOT Liza Minnelli
I was pretty little
BUT
I remember my connection to her
FEELING for
ELSIE
although I didn't understand that she seems to have been a prostitute
I understood that she was
not appreciated
by a lot of people
but she lived life
somehow that was true to her
& life is short
this was probably after my friend
(an older woman who lived like two doors down that I went to visit pretty frequently)
had died
SO
maybe the concept was pretty new
I can still remember
I went to her house and knocked on the door
& what I can ONLY assume was her daughter
answered the door
I asked if I could see her
& she just looked
HORRIFIED
& kinda sick -- like I guess she was afraid she was gonna have to explain death to me
BUT
she just said
NO
she's not here
she's
GONE
I guess I was three-ish into four
I don't know
it's been a weird day
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart
I guess I'm going to go back to sleep
I hope I get some
dream answers
last night's dreams
raised more questions than they answered
