ABOUT
how triggering I find t*ump
& HOW I feel like
THAT was a big part of my sort of
LOCKDOWN crazy
for me
the SENSE that the world had GONE MAD
& I was GONNA DIE
BUT
NOW I'm getting
SOME sort of mashup of
if I only had a heart & if you are among the very young at heart
walking back from therapy
I mean
so I'm not sure what that means
I cried some in therapy
about how
I never thought of myself as someone who
(like a lot of women do)
just sees to everyone else's needs first
& I didn't realize
I had this other thing going on
BUT
the difficulty I had
leaving that job
which should have been
pretty low stakes
points out to me
CLEARLY
that I have a problem with just saying
it's okay to be focused on
what is best for me
EVERYTHING
doesn't have to be some HARMONIZING
greatest overall happiness
I can prioritize me
because
even if I WANT to be all harmonization Hannah
can't give water from a dry well
I guess miriam has the moving well
so perhaps that whole metaphor is
not the strongest
BUT
MAYBE I feel guilty
for not being RIPE yet
MAYBE I understand that that could go bad
you might run out of patience
& I'm having all these FEELINGS
about what the f*CK am I doing with myself
I'm LIKE
starting over AGAIN
with the information I had already gleaned
& having to find my place
in a world
that has changed so much
over the course of my life
it's LIKE
a double whammy, somehow
BUT
it's just what everyone has to do
EVENTUALLY
that's what growing looks like, I guess
AND
a lot of people don't grow
& MAYBE
I'm not a natural with this stuff
BUT I have a steep learning curve
I'm all LIKE
it's been a whole year
I should be fixed
BUT
I'm trying not to do that to myself
& he thought the idea
that I should be fixed by the one year mark
he thought it was funny
