I'm finally, many years later, in therapy, and I kinda wish my therapist was a little more critical. I KNOW there's SOMETHING wrong with me, but he's not being very, like, out with it, ya know.
You're VERY focused on meaning, he says, but what does that actually mean, ya know. I have less and less of a tolerance for being around other people. And, I mean, one thing that it actually does mean, my focus on meaning, is that I tell him about the things people say to me that are sort of hurtful and then I say, "but I think what they mean by that is...". Like it SEEMS hurtful, but they really mean this thing that maybe isn't all that hurtful, or they don't really understand where I'm coming from-- which can you blame them because I'm so out of left field.
MOSTLY I try not to let things bother me, especially if they aren't meant to hurt me, but sometimes I don't know what they mean, and those things can be a little wild card-ish. For example today, I'm not feeling well, my head hurts, and I'm irritated with no specific reason, and out of the blue I remember something that someone I don't care at all about said-- like almost twenty years ago-- that I'm pretty sure was meant to hurt my feelings. Now, the fact that it was meant to hurt my feelings makes it stand out, because I really don't understand the desire to hurt someone else's feelings. But the thing that really makes it stand out MORE is that I don't really understand what they MEANT.
She was commenting that I liked Bill Maher (who had a show at the time) and how he was a big-headed narcissist, with some sort of implication. I always evaluate any criticism, but, in this case, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be the narcissist or if the guy I liked was supposed to be a narcissist. My analysis said neither was the case, but it's still like an open cold case in my brain that pops up for review occasionally. She was a psychological professional, so it had to be evaluated more seriously, and my take away was-- WOW if you're going to sh*t on your profession by hurling insults at strangers to try to show support for your friend you could at least make CLEAR the insult. Why are you not better at insults.
SEE, I'm SURE that is not normal.
Today I'm in a small town which is not my own and I went into a shop thinking that if I could spend some money in there it would be good-- not that I'm trying to waste money, but, ya know, small business support and whatever. So I talked to them and they seemed nice and I spent seventeen bucks which isn't much, but I didn't NEED what I bought, I mean, I'll use it, it's soap. But as I walked out, I saw something hanging on the wall that made me deeply regret spending my money THERE-- a t-shirt that said I'm voting for the felon 2024.
(not sure what's next, but continuing)
