He looks good. If he were someone I was dating or whatever I would go stand next to him. I have historically been kinda handsy so I imagined running my hand from your shoulder just on down down down and there were, at points, a lot of play there. But then I thought, well, I'm some big secret right, there's no way that's ok. And even if he wanted to talk to me, which, honestly, I don't think he does, that's not polite to do, and I could just go stand next to him, but honestly I don't want to feel like some little lovesick teen trying to get the popular boy's attention-- I'm not that girl. AND maybe the realest reason-- I could not enjoy watching anything where I was blocking anyone's view I would feel like I was on fire until I moved.
Besides it was nice to watch.
I'm honestly looking for a way in, but I've got problems and I'm not sure if you will even understand what I'm talking about, but I'm going to try. This is what I have done in the past.
I know someone like at work or school on the daily for like a year. I know them, I trust them. Then there is a sex attempt. In the CONTEXT of the relationship.
I have very limited experience and that guy you met years ago he had like super limited experience and wasn't actually very competent which didn't really matter because I didn't want him driving, if you know what I mean. However, I made him feel threatened by my wanting to control things-- I made him feel like he was "just some dildo" and then he needed to play keep away with me. It was not ultimately a satisfying or workable situation.
Now, in the past, I have asked many many many times for some kind of talk to work out consent which I feel like is a really good thing being someone who has had problems with that in the past. But I gather that is not romantic or whatever. I think I know you need me, but I'm unclear exactly what that entails.
I do not have a world framework where I have ever just gone up to someone and said hey baby how bout it or whatever that looks like, and I told you at the beginning that I couldn't do that. So I don't actually know if the imperative for me to do that is based on an actual need for me to do that or just a knowledge that I can't do that solves the problem.
I know you don't seem to really understand how my brain works and I cannot handle being in some sort of freak out and having to calm you down in the middle of it, and I have no idea what you might throw at me, and I've never had sex with an experienced man-- so, on the one hand, it might be great, but on the other hand it might freak me out. And I don't want you to take this wrong but you are very very straight and male and there are just a lot of worrying variables and I am not even sure I believe you are attracted to me.
So it's like I want to because I LOVE you and because I want to feel literally the physical witness of your love on my body, but I am not SURE about a bunch of stuff, and honestly I'm pretty sure you are thinking in terms of adult women you've had stuff with and there are a lot of ways I'm more like a teenager, really.
BUT ALSO
then my stuff doesn't work so we'll and I'm afraid if things don't go perfect you'll be like well that wasn't worth doing and kinda move on. Maybe you are just trying to get over me. Or maybe a bunch of stuff. I don't understand what you want or want out of me and I'm vulnerable under the best of situations here, but I'm sixteen years out of practice with fault equipment and I just think the likelihood of sh*t going perfect is not high.
Does this make sense. I'm trying not to say I don't really trust you, but there is an element of that that is not just because you are a man, but also because of the way you have behaved in the past, and my inability to understand your point of view so, to try to put it in some perspective that you can understand.
Imagine you were in love with an alien.
You didn't know what kind of genitals she had or what she thought sex was or what she thought it would mean for your relationship if you had sex and what kind of change there might be in your future interactions.
Imagine she expected you to perform some sort of asking for sex ceremony that you had no idea what it was or how to do, but you weren't sure that she was able to be the kind of supportive you might need because her attitude was not even clear to you and
she spoke in code that you weren't sure you always understood.
AND
you also weren't sure whether she thought it was like a serious thing or just a fun thing that was no big deal.
Oh, and maybe, just maybe she was just doing it because she didn't want you to stop hanging around, and she thought you would if she didn't appease you.
That's the best I can do
& I'm truly SORRY
for how unsexy that was.
Maybe all of that is ridiculous.
But I have absolutely NO framework for FUN sex.
if this is harsh or offensive and you want to reject me for it then, in my mind, it proves I was right to have these fears, and the only way to get past them is to state them so
maybe you won't love me after this, idk seriously
