I'm talking to the therapist and I'm like: I'm feeling less functional. I want to cry for me and I'm not okay with that. I feel like that's what my mom tries to get people to do to make people pity her to get them to do things in a manipulative way-- I don't want pity. I think I'm in a freeze response and my nervous system is so cranked up all the time that I have so little bandwidth...do you know the concept of SPOONS.
Just as a thing you eat with.
OK SPOONS is a concept from the disability community that resonated with me; it's the idea that you have not a lot of energy to accomplish things and so you have to think of your energy in terms of SPOONS-- how many spoons do you have and what are you going to use them on.
So like this isn't the best example but I go to art supply because I want to feel like I'm maintaining some ability to say I will be somewhere and actually be able to do that. Also I want to help them because they are older and need help with the cluster they have going on, and there are some aspects of their personalities that are things I know I have that I find undesirable and seeing them and how they feel from the other side makes me aware of how I need to change.
BUT I can't handle the stress of having to get up and get myself ready and drive myself because I have to be ready at least an hour before I need to be there. I changed my strategy years ago to a more leisurely morning because the fast morning WRECKED me. I also don't trust my car on the freeway. So to get there at nine o'clock I have to get up at five thirty in the morning and then I call the Uber and anytime between eight ten and eight thirty is fine so I have more wiggle room with my tricky guts and whatnot. I have eliminated enough stress that I can manage it, but it's still kinda an ordeal for me.
This last time I had a problem with the Uber and by the time I had to cancel it and get another one I was gonna be late. I texted them to let them know I would be between fifteen and twenty minutes late, probably, and in fact was only ten minutes late, but then I made the mistake of sharing a little too much information. I should have said traffic and left it at THAT, but it's sometimes hard to edit everything perfectly, so I got a big talk about how taxis are better than Uber from someone who has never taken an Uber and probably hasn't taken a taxi in twenty years.
The last time I took a taxi they charged me twenty dollars to take me two and a half miles to work-- and you don't KNOW what you are paying until you get there. The time before THAT they never came at all and I missed my airplane. I'm pretty sure a taxi will charge me thirty five dollars (at least) to take me to the job they will pay me like a hundred dollars for and it will be stress stress stress the whole way-- NOT doing THAT. I'm pretty sure we've had this conversation before. The other one says but you can schedule the Uber for a particular time. Yes, but then I have stress with having to be ready to go at a particular time, and AGAIN I'm helping them out, but I've GOT to reduce the stress of it enough to not be f*CKing myself over.
I'm sure I've tried to explain some of this before, but I'm not NOW, I'm just sorry I let any of myself out at all. I found the fact that the one who im working to get a day off had to be sitting there to be hurtful-- like she HAD to come to work because I was gonna be fifteen minutes late? Then she comes up to me a little later and wants to go to the museum on Saturday and I'm like let me see what I have going on this week, but then immediately wondered why I didn't just say NO.
I have gotten them to the point I was trying for in the store organization and they have managed to hire someone else-- I am hoping this works out so I can just exit. I have learned what I needed to learn and I don't want to put myself through this anymore.
I had to talk to my mom. She wanted to get rid of her car. And there was some understanding on her part of my becoming her replacement. I'm like I feel VERY uncomfortable with this. I am having trouble driving my car enough to keep it running. I don't mind driving you to doctor appointments or things like that, but we have a history that makes me WORRY about your expectations. Like you decided to sell your house and make me responsible for everything without talking to me about it at all before hand. Then I'm just working all day every day for months destroying my body all unable to physically function and that was just ya know whatever. I have not given up on my life. I'm trying to figure out what I want, what will make me happy, which I've told you I have problems with for years and you're just like: have you thought about it. Yes, I have thought about it my whole life, and I have a problem of some sort, and it got worse during the pandemic, and you were having health problems and I thought I want to help and I don't feel safe to go get some job, and I thought we could help each other. But I used to be so unhappy that I prayed I would die in my sleep. I don't want to be in a situation where you are calling me whenever telling me to come get you and chauffeur you around-- if I have to go get some crappy job and feel like I want to die I'm NOT going to do that for you. If you want to help me, help me, and I'm trying to make your life BETTER, but I'm not willing to be your slave.
AND
I say to the therapist I'm not 💯 okay with any of this because I feel like I'm maybe not giving top value for money, I might be giving less than I'm getting back at this particular moment but the option is going and getting some crappy job and not having the time and resources to figure out how to finally fix this problem-- so maybe I'm being SELFISH and I am deeply NOT okay with that.
You deserve to have what you need, says therapist.
I am ALSO deeply not okay with the concept of deserve
I'm aware.
I just want to be happy. I'm smart, I mean not like MIT smart, but smart ya know. I'm not asking to be rich, I'm not asking to be famous. I've been working on myself my whole life, and I feel like so much of my life has been wasted, and...
You just want to get to the reward for all your work.
MAYBE
I just want to be okay with my life somehow, I just want to be happy.
