I'm not SURE how to describe

my day

it

was

WEIRD 

MAYBE 

HITS different 

my mom was being released 

from the hospital 

& it was

WEIRD 

when the social worker 

talked to me back at the beginning 

she SAID they were 

gonna send her home

in a CAR

I TOLD my mom

I was going to therapy today 

& coming by the hospital 

LATER on today*

*this was before they were planning to send her home today, or before I knew about it

BUT 

then she was all LIKE 

they are sending me home

& I'm LIKE 

find out

if the car is a hospital car

or if they are putting you

in a Lyft*

*they did send her in a Lyft before 

I'm like DON'T ask

if they will have a wheelchair 

JUST ask about the CAR

BECAUSE 

it MIGHT 

make them confused 

& unwilling to send you in a car

I'm like in the history of my 

HOSPITAL adventures 

no one EVER got released 

BEFORE 1pm

& RARELY 

before 3

I'm like 

if they

can't take you in

then you need to make SURE 

it's NOT before 1:15pm

because 

I can't get there

to get the wheelchair 

& wheel it out

to get you

BEFORE 

THAT

she texted me back

some sh*t

about she asked them if I could RIDE with her 

I'm like I'm not gonna be THERE 

I'm gonna be at therapy 

KEEP me posted 

NO update during therapy 

the therapist 

SAID something about 

TODAY being

I can't REMEMBER 

his exact WORDS 

BUT 

the IMPRESSION was

BREAKTHROUGH*

*but I'm not sure if I agree with that 

I'm also not sure what he's doing 

BUT 

I'm CERTAIN that 

he's doing something 

OR

possibly more accurately 

I'm DOING it

but he's 

FACILITATING 

OR

it's a process where I'm doing work

which I couldn't do 

without going 

& explaining 

MYSELF 

I'm not sure 

BUT 

SOMETHING is happening 

& I'm inclined to FEEL 

POSITIVELY 

towards him

the WEIRD thing though

I USED to spend the week

going OVER & over

OVER 

what we talked about 

NOW I can hardly REMEMBER anything 

I THINK that's 

WEIRD 

so she was SUPPOSED to get released 

at 3:30p but it was more like

5:30p

AND I think she

REALLY wanted me to come be there

WAITING with her

BUT 

in addition to it just being

KINDA ridiculous 

to go all the way

to the hospital 

I don't want to explain all the steps 

it just makes EVERYTHING difficult 

& I get a little PTSD

in the hospital 

& I don't want her to get EXTRA attention 

in the hospital 

BECAUSE 

I want her to REMEMBER 

when she's 

f*CKing around and finding out 

NOT taking her water pills

eating sh*t with salt

LYING to ME 

that the HOSPITAL is NOT FUN

SO 

she had a big story to tell me

I don't know if it is true 

it doesn't make sense 

& 

she 

lies

I don't even really want to repeat it

she doesn't 

THINK her leg is 

BROKEN

I watched some videos 

about intj

because that girl said

she gets along with infj

& honestly 

I already had some curiosity

I THINK 

I had developed myself 

at least partially 

into intj when dealing with myself 

& infj when dealing with 

OTHERS

I also chuckled at the 

all the infjs I've known

pretty much

dress all in black

they're kinda 

GOTH

I feel like 

I'm working through 

SOMETHING 

LIKE 

it's gonna HIT me 

BUT 

I'm tired-er than makes any sense 

do you

think I'm pretty

I looked it up

because I was pretty sure

my mother was

WRONG 

sixty percent white

my therapist was in a 

fender bender 

type situation 

so I didn't have therapy today 

TOMORROW 

I have to go to bed now 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I listened to TK

today's episode 

I am watching the Olympics 

in clip

so they aren't boring me

Snoop doing badminton 

was FUN for the

probably less than a minute that I watched 

I LIKE the Olympics generally 

BUT 

this year

I'm watching it

as a METAPHOR 

POLITICS 

& my mother in the hospital 

it's been 

INTERESTING 

HISTORICAL things

are important 

BUT 

you mention the mound height change, right

I cannot stop

being happy that

my niece 

thinks I'm a bad-ass

that's not even a word

I've ever really 

thought of

as 

like

ME

ALSO 

she put it so 

master sage-y

I just keep smiling to myself 

I'm exhausted 

I'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

Like, for example, when I was at Starbucks I was shocked at the amount of racism I had to deal with.  I mean if you've got that stuff in your head, well, that is sad, but if you don't know you shouldn't say it aloud there is something wrong with you.  I had a group of customers from Ethiopia and in Ethiopia they have a very strong coffee culture--  well originally from Ethiopia, then there was the war and about half of them were from Eritrea and that caused problems but eventually most of them were friends again--  and I would get complains:  when are you going to do something about "that element".  I was like, I don't know what you mean.  They're like those black guys that are always sitting out front, don't they have jobs?

Just because there are a group of black guys sitting out front doesn't mean they are the SAME five black guys--  some of them work in the med center and work all different hours, some of them drive cabs, some of them work in parking garage situations, and some of them do other jobs that I don't know about and when they get off work they drive by and if any of their friends are here they stop and have a coffee.  They are, as you point out, "always" here, so THEY are my regular customers--  I don't recognize YOU.

It TURNED my stomach.

(continuing)

There have been so many people through here and only one of all the nurses and doctors and other personnel has been white--  it wasn't exactly a racist statement but I wasn't sure how else to process it.  I thought back from walking in the front door.  It was impossible.  I just don't count.  Maybe no one I encountered working here was white, certainly no one white had stood out enough for me to specify remember them.  There was a woman who had either been rude--  or deaf, or wearing headphones I couldn't see--  was she white, no.  There had been a man I asked directions who had seemed like he might be starting to be specifically unhelpful and then turned friendly at the last minute, also not white.  There was the man at the information desk who gave me a very serious look--  though not as serious as when I was visiting during COVID--  and then was simple and clear with his directions, also not white.  There was the nurse at the nursing station, not white either.  Maybe she was right, but I was uncomfortable with the statement anyway.

She tells me AGAIN how Bob's nephew when to school to become a nurse and then a few years later quit doing that and became a repo man.  When I asked her why she was telling me that again she said maybe minorities are less likely to leave a good paying job.

Yes, I say, maybe whites are soft and lazy.  But I think that most people who go into nursing want to help people, do you know if that's why he went into nursing or did he just think it was a good paying job.  Nursing is a hard job, I don't think I could do it.  AND remember Bob had an adversarial relationship at his work and they were always trying to get rid of him, maybe David had something similar.

We were talking about politics and she's like, well all the minorities will vote for the minority so she should win because whites are the minority.

Is that true, though, that whites are the minority--  I don't think it is and even if it is, what I hear is white fear.

Well, the Democrats have a problem with Hispanics because the Democrats tend to address them as a monolith which they are not, so I think that is not a forgone conclusion.  Black women I think are pretty definitely backing her.  There is an attempt to paint her as someone who put a lot of black men in prison which is it gets traction may affect those numbers, but there was a black men's zoom call so I'm preliminarily saying probably she's got black men.  I was very happy to hear about the white women's zoom call because black women can't always count on white women--  they're kinda fairweather, ya know.  Like white women came out to match for BLM, but then sort of lost interest--  I think it had more to do with the need for a cathartic moment.

You mean everybody just wanted to go outside.

No.  I mean the country was in chaos and everyone was scared and they needed to feel like they were doing something to make things better, but after that was over they didn't maintain interest in Black Lives Matter.

There was something she said, and I wish I could remember what because I said no, I'm sure if that had happened I would have spoken up.  She was shocked.  You would have been shot.  Do you really believe that a cop would shoot me for saying something.  If you see something and you don't say something then you are complicit.

(continuing)

this is sort of outline

to be filled in later

my mother said

there has only been

one white doctor

I thought back

had I SEEN any WHITE people

I wasn't sure 

the hospital was 

different enough 

NOT to send me BACK 

to joan or my father

not TOO bad

AND it was NOT like it was for COVID

in FACT 

there was SOMETHING about it 

that SEEMED 

SPECIFICALLY different 

can't quite put my finger on it

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

😍

my niece just made me happy 

I had texted her

a video 

& I thought maybe it was 

CRINGE 

SO

I was trying to explain 

my thoughts 

I SAID 

I don't want to be OLD 

even if I get chronologically older

she's like

BUT 

isn't old cool

I'm like not if it's how the boomers seem to me

I got a lecture about how taxis is better than Uber

from someone who has 

NEVER used Uber & probably hasn't taken a taxi in 20 years 

it's telling a current person what they should think and do

using a non-existent model of the world

I don't ever want to be THAT 

my understanding of my job

as an old person 

is to tell you what it's like where I'm from

in a way that is relevant to you

and to do THAT 

I have to continue to understand 

what is relevant 

she said 

I believe that when you do get old

as we all must eventually do

you will still be a bad-ass

OH

I lost track of the date

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎉🎂🎈🎈🎈

I just woke up

I mean, I woke up earlier

when the alarm when off

had a headache 

& went back to sleep 

the phone woke me just now

because Lucy is trying to 

get in touch with me 

to see if I can work 

an extra day

to help

her

she's got something that was

"thrust upon her"

which either means

something she has to do for someone else 

or something she's gonna get paid for 

like an art project 

the person they hired 

to work on Saturdays can't work 

because she has too much

school work

I texted her back

and said

I can't.  I'm sorry.

She texted back

if Lisa can't work it

could you at least work on Thursday or Friday 

& I'm LIKE 

I MIGHT be able to change the day

but I cannot work two days

which I have said EVERY time 

BUT I added in

that my mom's in the hospital 

because my head hurts too bad

to have a boundary battle

right now

I went to the hospital today 

& I want to write about it 

BUT 

I have a lot to unpack 

& it's not soup yet

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

💌

I THINK 

it is beneath me

BUT 

I'm REALLY enjoying the COUCH stuff

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️ 

👾🫚

I'm looping*

*I'm not sure I'm not making that word up there

going through things

AGAIN &

again in my HEAD

seeing SLIGHTLY different 

ASPECTS 

KINDA like 

the SPINNING but slower

& less extreme, maybe 

In fact it all

has a LITTLE bit 

of a tune in

in the new episode of AMERICA 

this SEASON 

whew

that one guy 

got SHOT

& that other guy

the friend of the tech bros

the one tr*mp decided he was winning 

so safely 

that he didn't NEED to balance the ticket

just sell the slot

THAT guy

MAYBE 

he f*CKed a couch

they called 

STEP parents 

FAKE 

&

ACTIVATED 

cat ladies

The security guard at my therapist had some thoughts on the election.  America isn't ready for a woman president.  People are not interested in politics they pay very little attention to anything.  I don't even know whether I think he's right or wrong.

I'm LIKE 

her MOTHER was from INDIA 

her FATHER was from JAMAICA 

they came here as college students 

they WORKED for 

CIVIL RIGHTS 

He's like, yeah all of that is great, but America is not READY for a woman president.  Ok, well, how about you?  Are you gonna vote for her?  He can't vote yet.

I was talking to my mom in the waiting room and I was like I cannot BELIEVE they are doubling down on the CRAZY.  WHO wants this stuff.  It has been an accepted norm for both people to work for like forty years.  People cannot afford not to family plan.  Only the people who have drunk the cool aid are looking for the Comstock act to get a glow up.

Hey, the Republican's Handmaid's tale VIBE is low-key freaking me out.

same*

*I love this one, it was the first Z I ever really learned.  Enrique at WM, I said, you know, I don't like everybody, but I like you.  He said same.  And I didn't know it was Z I just thought HE had a very elegant minimalism for like a twenty three year old.

SO

we've been at the medical emergency clinic

for like five-ish hours

& she's being admitted to the hospital 

fluid retention 

& mild pneumonia 

I want to go back to that story, but I think I want to talk about therapy first.  I feel a little uncertain about it though.

I'm talking to the therapist and I'm like:  I'm feeling less functional.  I want to cry for me and I'm not okay with that.  I feel like that's what my mom tries to get people to do to make people pity her to get them to do things in a manipulative way--  I don't want pity.  I think I'm in a freeze response and my nervous system is so cranked up all the time that I have so little bandwidth...do you know the concept of SPOONS.

Just as a thing you eat with.

OK SPOONS is a concept from the disability community that resonated with me;  it's the idea that you have not a lot of energy to accomplish things and so you have to think of your energy in terms of SPOONS--  how many spoons do you have and what are you going to use them on.

So like this isn't the best example but I go to art supply because I want to feel like I'm maintaining some ability to say I will be somewhere and actually be able to do that.  Also I want to help them because they are older and need help with the cluster they have going on, and there are some aspects of their personalities that are things I know I have that I find undesirable and seeing them and how they feel from the other side makes me aware of how I need to change.

BUT I can't handle the stress of having to get up and get myself ready and drive myself because I have to be ready at least an hour before I need to be there.  I changed my strategy years ago to a more leisurely morning because the fast morning WRECKED me.  I also don't trust my car on the freeway.  So to get there at nine o'clock I have to get up at five thirty in the morning and then I call the Uber and anytime between eight ten and eight thirty is fine so I have more wiggle room with my tricky guts and whatnot.  I have eliminated enough stress that I can manage it, but it's still kinda an ordeal for me.

This last time I had a problem with the Uber and by the time I had to cancel it and get another one I was gonna be late.  I texted them to let them know I would be between fifteen and twenty minutes late, probably, and in fact was only ten minutes late, but then I made the mistake of sharing a little too much information.  I should have said traffic and left it at THAT, but it's sometimes hard to edit everything perfectly, so I got a big talk about how taxis are better than Uber from someone who has never taken an Uber and probably hasn't taken a taxi in twenty years.

The last time I took a taxi they charged me twenty dollars to take me two and a half miles to work--  and you don't KNOW what you are paying until you get there.  The time before THAT they never came at all and I missed my airplane.  I'm pretty sure a taxi will charge me thirty five dollars (at least) to take me to the job they will pay me like a hundred dollars for and it will be stress stress stress the whole way--  NOT doing THAT.  I'm pretty sure we've had this conversation before.  The other one says but you can schedule the Uber for a particular time.  Yes, but then I have stress with having to be ready to go at a particular time, and AGAIN I'm helping them out, but I've GOT to reduce the stress of it enough to not be f*CKing myself over.

I'm sure I've tried to explain some of this before, but I'm not NOW, I'm just sorry I let any of myself out at all.  I found the fact that the one who im working to get a day off had to be sitting there to be hurtful--  like she HAD to come to work because I was gonna be fifteen minutes late?  Then she comes up to me a little later and wants to go to the museum on Saturday and I'm like let me see what I have going on this week, but then immediately wondered why I didn't just say NO.

I have gotten them to the point I was trying for in the store organization and they have managed to hire someone else--  I am hoping this works out so I can just exit.  I have learned what I needed to learn and I don't want to put myself through this anymore.

I had to talk to my mom.  She wanted to get rid of her car.  And there was some understanding on her part of my becoming her replacement.  I'm like I feel VERY uncomfortable with this.  I am having trouble driving my car enough to keep it running.  I don't mind driving you to doctor appointments or things like that, but we have a history that makes me WORRY about your expectations.  Like you decided to sell your house and make me responsible for everything without talking to me about it at all before hand.  Then I'm just working all day every day for months destroying my body all unable to physically function and that was just ya know whatever.  I have not given up on my life.  I'm trying to figure out what I want, what will make me happy, which I've told you I have problems with for years and you're just like:  have you thought about it.  Yes, I have thought about it my whole life, and I have a problem of some sort, and it got worse during the pandemic, and you were having health problems and I thought I want to help and I don't feel safe to go get some job, and I thought we could help each other.  But I used to be so unhappy that I prayed I would die in my sleep.  I don't want to be in a situation where you are calling me whenever telling me to come get you and chauffeur you around--  if I have to go get some crappy job and feel like I want to die I'm NOT going to do that for you.  If you want to help me, help me, and I'm trying to make your life BETTER, but I'm not willing to be your slave.

AND

I say to the therapist I'm not 💯 okay with any of this because I feel like I'm maybe not giving top value for money, I might be giving less than I'm getting back at this particular moment but the option is going and getting some crappy job and not having the time and resources to figure out how to finally fix this problem-- so maybe I'm being SELFISH and I am deeply NOT okay with that.

You deserve to have what you need, says therapist.

I am ALSO deeply not okay with the concept of deserve

I'm aware.

I just want to be happy.  I'm smart, I mean not like MIT smart, but smart ya know.  I'm not asking to be rich, I'm not asking to be famous.  I've been working on myself my whole life, and I feel like so much of my life has been wasted, and...

You just want to get to the reward for all your work.

MAYBE 

I just want to be okay with my life somehow, I just want to be happy.

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

this is gonna be a little stream of consciousness, I don't think this is what I want to say, but I'm not sure where to start, so I'm just jumping in (these commas are wrong but I'm not fixing them)

I want to see the ear.

I'm distressed with this desire--  the ear is not important--  if he was knicked by a piece of something or if his ear is a lump of loose meat.  Why do I want to see it?

Is it even true that I want to see it, maybe not.

I heard on the radio, in the car on the way home, about the upbeat nature of his rally-goers.  Frequently there are these little magical moments when groups stumble across each other--  bikers and blacks, for example, because we like alliteration--  just EBULLIENT kids away at summer camp taking selfies becoming BESTIES for life.

It bounces me out.

I have understood them differently.

I see people with grievance, real or imaginary, but FELT.  People who see themselves as threatened by the POSSIBLE future which was written for someone else who doesn't deserve it, not like they do--  oh, SORRY, pronouns.

I'm, as I say, driving when I hear this and I want to keep listening but I'm losing the signal.  I change the station and maybe it's the next thing I hear, or maybe it's later, but I hear no sleep til Brooklyn and I text my niece.

Hey, I text, I just want to make sure you know about THIS with a link to a YouTube of the Beastie Boys.

Oh, she texts back, you have no idea how aware.

I should not have worried with your rizz*

*I am looking for how this lands and I really care

She texts me back RIZZ!! with shake your rump.

I am just chuffed that I used rizz right and I feel a little silly and old that I am so enchanted with slang that I gotta learn Z, but I feel myself losing the thread of the society and I'm grasping a little, maybe.

well

meds

he's suggesting meds

I'm not SURE 

HOW I feel 

about meds

I'm LIKE 

do you think I'm crazy

because he had said something about 

having patients that were crazy

AND

he's LIKE 

you are just

OVERWHELMED 

BUT 

I'm not SURE 

that meds are the way to go

I THINK 

I NEED a mystical experience 

to OPEN me up

NOT 

medication to 

DULL me down

BUT 

I do get it

I'm just not sure I agree

I just passed out

last night

I'm sorry 

I'm feeling less functional 

I'm gonna talk about it 

in therapy 

BRAT summer 

is

QUOTE 

the ERA I'm living in right now 

end QUOTE 

for which I needed

explanation 

BUT 

now I'm hip

or down

or bussin

or whatever 

I THINK 

I will say more later

SO

NEON green 

is culturally relevant 

BRAT summer 

I have no IDEA 

what any of this means 

I've ALSO 

because I needed 

a soothing 

ELEMENT, I think 

I played with a new

COLOR palette 

I'm going to be removing 

the violet iron oxide 

it doesn't 

work the way it should have 

green gold & violet iron oxide 

in SOME brands

makes a beautiful gold color 

NON-metallic

i KNOW this isn't super clear

Holbein Naples yellow 

Winsor Newton gold ocher

WN green gold

(big orange blob is a mix)

Daniel Smith Rhodenite genuine 

Holbein Perylene Maroon

DaVinci violet iron oxide 

WN Antwerp blue*

*and I went back and forth about the blue choice, it looks like a pb15:3, maybe, but it's really a pb27 same as Prussian blue but lighter brighter processing of the pigment**

**I am super into pigments, I wonder about myself if I might be slightly neurodivergent

this picture 

the colors are not right

BUT 

I LIKE the way the picture came out

i read the TK descriptions

& I'm gonna have to

LISTEN to them ALL 

BUT 

I'm not ready to shift

to a new viewpoint YET 

I need to stay here

for a little while 

TK

sometimes hits different

& baseball 

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

I'm not sure if these

I HAVE to think THIS 

NOW 

aren't a sign of something 

I'm not sure I'm seeing them

CLEARLY 

BUT 

I might be RIGHT 

& typically 

second-guessing 

doesn't work out great

I'm hearing 

STINKY and DIRTY 

in my HEAD 

TODAY 

& I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I MIGHT think of more stuff 

BUT 

I want to say goodnight now

because I very well might

just pass out

I'm exhausted 

I ALSO 

have this image

in my HEAD

of

KAMALA & gretchen 

standing with their fists

ENTWINED aloft

SAYING 

LET'S TAKE OUR COUNTRY 

BACK

& I'm wondering 

is that 

a THING 

I'm KINDA 

working through stuff 

in my HEAD

what might connect to WHAT 

in my psyche

AND

how much of my psyche 

do I want to drag in

OVERLAPPING 

instead of 

CONCENTRIC 

is a BETTER description 

than I have MANAGED 

BUT 

I feel like 

this is the CONCEPT 

I am frequently 

TRYING for 

I'm ALSO 

PROBABLY obsessed 

& somewhat 

DISTRACTED by politics 

PLUS 

I'm not sure 

this isn't a CONNECTED

LIKE process

it is after all 

the REDEMPTIVE power 

WHAT the hell

anti talking about 

there's a WAY 

in which what I connected with 

was something I needed 

am I the ONLY one 

OR 

WHAT 

I have had

the worst headache today 

I had a DREAM 

as I was walking up

I thought 

OH this is important 

& THEN couldn't REMEMBER it

it was in black and white 

SPECIFICALLY 

which MUST

MEAN

something 

BUT 

I'm gonna try some SOMATIC 

I'm a little scared 

BUT 

I'm RIGHT about the freeze

being my problem 

I know I'm behind on TK

I haven't decided how I want to manage that

I may have missed enough 

I just check the ends

& start back

OR I may listen to them all

❤️

NOW 

I feel you 

are you trying to make me come 

OR is there something 

I haven't done 

& this is pulling 

OR is it something else 

it's full body 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️ 

👾🫚

I'm falling asleep 

in the chair 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️

👾🫚

good afternoon sweetheart 💋

I hope you're having a beautiful day 

I just had a conversation with my mom 

that my therapist 

told me

well I told him too

that I needed to have

& it seems to 

have gone well

I LOVE you VERY much 

I wish I wasn't 

SO complicated 

BUT 

you probably know plenty

of normal-ish people 

❤️👾🫚

SO

HOW crazy am I

I WONDER 

& I'm all LIKE 

I'm pretty sure he has not YET 

HEARD anything 

even vaguely 

ABOUT 

HOW 

AWESOME he is

THAT is who you are now

PEOPLE don't WANT to hear

that you find them

so distractingly

HOT

WELL, I MEAN 

YOU wouldn't BUT 

MAYBE 

a lot of people wouldn't MIND 

BUT 

I THINK 

I MAYBE was CONFUSED 

& I said I wasn't right

BUT 

I was thinking about your voice 

not just THAT 

LIKE 

your spirit or aura or presence

& THAT is SO LARGE

AND BRIGHT

FILLS the ROOM 

AND

EVERY bit of it

is gonna come through 

BUT 

NOT CRY

meant a lot to me

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm still working on the red dirt story

I'm trying to figure out 

what I'm trying to say 

I don't want all the vulnerable 

stuff MAYBE 

in something I'd try to get

PUBLISHED 

BUT 

I thought I might try

DO you know the crazy thing

I did today

I looked at Zillow 

at houses there

I have this silly fantasy

six months in Japan

six months at the pilgrimage

I think maybe I AM a writer

BUT 

I think there are

different ways to do that now

OR

if I have enough RIZZ

which I'm not sure I do then maybe 

I could be a STORYTELLER 

on tic Tok or something 

THAT seems far fetched 

BUT 

I heard something about digital book products

& audible book products 

I'm gonna look a

LITTLE deeper into it

Thank you for all that you have done

to try to get me

OUT of 

the EXTREME 

LOCK-DOWN funk

there's a BUNCH of OTHER baggage

BUT 

I don't think I 

could have made it

out of

THAT hardened shell

I HOPE I get

my MIND right

EVENTUALLY 

& I know 

you probably haven't seen 

whatever it is

you're looking for yet

I'm pretty sure 

a bunch of the stuff I said

didn't make SENSE 

& I don't think I have a WAY 

to make it make sense

I just gotta keep working through 

I can't objectively 

tell you

HOW close I might be

BUT 

I KNOW parts of me are

MAD

& parts of me are HURT

& parts of me are overwhelmed 

I KNOW I want a BUNCH of 

CONTRADICTORY things 

AND

I think part of the

PSYCHOTIC word salad stuff

is about the fact

THAT 

PART of me is on-board with the new framework 

BUT 

PART of me doesn't KNOW 

about the new framework 

& can't let go

& NONE of me

REALLY knows

HOW the new framework 

ACTUALLY 

looks or works

I was telling my therapist 

I'm just trying to FIX me

AND the rest of everything will

RESOLVE 

I can't handle trying to FIX my relationships 

BECAUSE 

growing up with all love being CONDITIONAL

SHAPED my interactions with the world 

in a very TRANSACTIONAL way

AND

I find it difficult to separate myself out

in whatever way it is that I need to

to see what I want and need

I just have to change myself

& let that play through the systems

my FAVORITE psychology class

was EMOTION & MOTIVATION 

which dealt a lot with systems

I GET

that you may not be seeing

what you're looking for 

YET

BUT I wanted you to KNOW 

I SEE YOU

& I appreciate you 

I THINK 

maybe writing that

really extremely vulnerable 

STUFF 

didn't come without a toll

I'm not okay

& I'm not sure why

I was so proud of myself 

for walking to the bus

in 45 minutes 

& then the bus didn't come 

I have never in my life

Known the 82 to take more than twenty minutes 

& that's like if one broke down 

it's six minutes on peak

ten minutes off

it is the ONLY line

that has ever FELT to me

LIKE Chicago

BUT no, I can't even say that with a straight face

what I meant was

IF you're going to TRANSLATE actual 

MASS TRANSIT 

to HOUSTON 

EIGHTY two, just sayin 

BUT 

I got there at seven fifteen

I shoulda made the seven twenty four

ten busses went east

in the FORTY five minutes I waited

it had RAINED 

and people kept splashing me

I kept moving back

my dress is terry cloth--  it's basically a towel 

AND they KEPT managing 

UNTIL I was screaming at them

& FLIPPING them off

I ALSO said ALOUD 

it is a GOOD thing I'm not walking around with a GUN

then two other people got there

and I had I REALLY 

GOOD experience 

I don't want to talk anymore 

until I stop feeling like 

a broken doll

or suck up

or something 

I'll just say goodnight sweetheart now

I keep getting 

10 of wands

& that doesn't seem like

it could be good

BUT 

I'm not sure what it means 

key notes for the card

are oppression 

BUT 

I got SO MANY 

lovey twos in the reading last night

I THOUGHT I was okay 

Maybe it means

TEN of FIRE

I'm NOT in any way freaking out 

I'm not requesting anything from you 

I can't think WHY 

things would be bad

I'm gonna stop babbling now

BUT 

I almost can't look at that

photograph

you are so transcendently 

BEAUTIFUL 

I don't think you

even UNDERSTAND 

how you

affect me

you can't tell

from my in person 

whatever

can you

I'm not sure

what to do about that

OK

I want to CLARIFY 

I was focused on my CRAZY

& sometimes you need

extra support 

& I didn't provide it

so

I'm sorry

it was my turn to be crazy, maybe 

YOU are

amazing and talented 

BUT ALSO

VERY 

HOT

& you know I'm obsessed with the election

that's nothing to do with you

good morning sweetheart 💋 

working at art supply today 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️👾🫚

I want you pretty bad

I'm pretty sure 

that's not a secret 

Ok

& I'm super sorry 

for however I was

insensitive 

OK

the TAROT says 

I just said SOMETHING 

that upset you

I don't understand 

WHAT did I say

I said I THINK I got

Ok

there's no point in trying to guess

what to take down

if you already

seen it

& gotten upset

What I wanted to say is

I am trying to figure 

OUT a BUNCH of stuff 

BUT 

I think I didn't express

my actual like I'm tempted to say

fangirling

BUT I can't QUITE 

made me maybe miss questions 

& also

🤠

I LOVE you VERY much 

I really am concerned about the election 

& that revelation about

politics 

isn't code

it's stuff

I'm trying to write maybe 

🤠

I've been distracted by 

POLITICS 

everyone is freaking out 

the focus group 

is really interesting 

I am not sending any kind of coded message 

I had a KINDA cool thought

I've been saying it about the weather 

BUT 

I realized it's TRUE about 

EVERYTHING 

it is like

the f*CKing ZEITGEIST 

LIKE with the weather 

you have patterns

that you use to predict 

when the clouds look like THIS 20% chance

& you have hundreds of years 

YOU can do OKAY 

BUT 

THEN you get the NEW stuff 

YOU don't have a model

YOU'VE JUST got DATA 

it's like the polls are like that too

you can ask likely voters

BUT it's the

UNLIKELY voters

who will probably decide THINGS 

I THINK 

I MEAN 

MAYBE I'm full of shit

BUT that's what I THINK 

I'm not sure

whether this goes in the story

BUT on the drive home

I was flipping through the stations

& I HEARD stuff 

I got a little weird

& there was the shirt

I'm not sure it should

BUT 

MAYBE 

I do feel like it is 

I do not believe that people will vote for

abortion ban

birth control ban

divorce ban

no porn

they have not been doing it

anywhere they have voted

& I do not believe they will

I do not KNOW that 

BUT 

I BELIEVE 

& it's insane

things they were saying on the radio

and the news

it's skewed too

people self select their news

BUT 

the news is profit driven

so you gotta get the clicks

& it skews

has it all ALWAYS been like this

I don't think so 

ALTHOUGH I did read a thing

talking about the division 

and how that's been here

you're soaking in it

basically 

do you remember that commercial 

PALMOLIVE 

but I mean

NETWORK wasn't it

OK

THAT was too big a jump

I'm slightly high

the therapist said 

YOU need to go on more TRIPS 

I kid you not

I the to work in the morning 

I want to say

I FEEL like you maybe don't know 

I went to see you

THAT was mult-faceted

BUT what I feel like 

I didn't stress

MAYBE 

HOW MUCH I enjoyed 

HEARing

I really did think you could see my face

I feel like I was more focused on me

AND I feel like 

THAT

was KINDA the plan

BUT I could have 

been a little more

HIGH key

BUT then possibly 

that back-fored

NOW you're just babbling will you get a grip on yourself 

YOU are the most exciting 

I wouldn't be trying 

SO hard

if you were NOT all THAT 

YOU absolutely are all THAT 

LOOK left

look right is making me wonder

if that's important 

or just

and if you weren't so beautiful 

YOU'RE babbling AGAIN 

I gotta go to bed 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️👾🫚

There was a strange moment.  

I am like a magnet for crazy people generally and so when this older guy wandering the streets--  I mean we are all wandering the streets but something about this guy seems a little more wander-y than most and as he approached me that is the context that I thought was the right interpretation.

But as he walked up to me talking in mumbles what he actually said was are you feeling woozy.  He kinda reached out to touch my arm and I kinda jumped from startlement.  There were a few more mumbles before he fixed me with his gaze and spoke a mantra at me.

MAINTAIN

Which is fine advice generally, but also somehow grounded him in a time and place for me.

AND

SOMEHOW made me feel SEEN by a fellow traveler in the not quite making it as sane community.  It was slightly disorienting but somehow also deeply satisfying.

YOU want to know what I think of her art

& you maybe want 

SOME FEELING 

for what

I always find it difficult to write 

because I'm trying 

to be non-specific

& either I used to do this well

and somehow have lost it

OR

I feel like I need

to do something different 

I feel LIKE I'm not 

LIFTING you

ANYWAY I almost 

MANAGED

to avoid that question 

I feel LIKE 

he art REFERENCES things

that I don't know about 

SO

when I look at the very BRIGHT color

there is something happening 

I understand that 

BUT 

I FEEL like 

it's about MORE than that

it FEELS culturally referenced

BUT I am not in on it

which is kinda cool actually 

MAYBE it's cooler

if it isn't actually 

& it just made me feel that way

EITHER way 

what I think 

is not important 

I'm some old crazy person

SHE'S the new generation 

AND just being honest 

TALENT is great

BUT it's probably not as important as 

being happy 

what I wish for her is that she be happy 

that's all I ever wanted 

what do you want to be when you grow up

HAPPY 

I mean I WANTED to be a ballerina 

THAT'S TRUE 

so I guess not all I wanted was to be happy 

I mean how were you at fifteen 

SHE'S kicking your fifteen year old ass, right

OK

I THINK 

it is possible that 

I COMPLETELY did not 

UNDERSTAND 

what happened 

at ALL 

YES

I THINK that is completely possible 

WELL f*CK

I'm NOT sure what to do with that information 

are we caught up now though

I'm getting myself derailed from the story

that I assume you want me to write, yes

AND

I haven't written about

A lot of

& MAYBE I didn't give 

the desired feedback 

MAYBE I was too low key

I FELT like my joy in the moment 

filled the room

& it didn't occur to me 

to recap

BUT 

MAYBE you didn't see me

I probably come off different than I think

in fact

I really have no idea

how I seem to you

I gotta go to bed 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much ❤️ 

👾🫚

I saw you in the pastures of plenty.  I thought about going up to you.  Here is what I thought.

He looks good.  If he were someone I was dating or whatever I would go stand next to him.  I have historically been kinda handsy so I imagined running my hand from your shoulder just on down down down and there were, at points, a lot of play there.  But then I thought, well, I'm some big secret right, there's no way that's ok.  And even if he wanted to talk to me, which, honestly, I don't think he does, that's not polite to do, and I could just go stand next to him, but honestly I don't want to feel like some little lovesick teen trying to get the popular boy's attention-- I'm not that girl.  AND maybe the realest reason-- I could not enjoy watching anything where I was blocking anyone's view I would feel like I was on fire until I moved.

Besides it was nice to watch.

I'm honestly looking for a way in, but I've got problems and I'm not sure if you will even understand what I'm talking about, but I'm going to try.  This is what I have done in the past.

I know someone like at work or school on the daily for like a year.  I know them, I trust them.  Then there is a sex attempt.  In the CONTEXT of the relationship.

I have very limited experience and that guy you met years ago he had like super limited experience and wasn't actually very competent which didn't really matter because I didn't want him driving, if you know what I mean.  However, I made him feel threatened by my wanting to control things--  I made him feel like he was "just some dildo" and then he needed to play keep away with me.  It was not ultimately a satisfying or workable situation.

Now, in the past, I have asked many many many times for some kind of talk to work out consent which I feel like is a really good thing being someone who has had problems with that in the past.  But I gather that is not romantic or whatever.  I think I know you need me, but I'm unclear exactly what that entails.

I do not have a world framework where I have ever just gone up to someone and said hey baby how bout it or whatever that looks like, and I told you at the beginning that I couldn't do that.  So I don't actually know if the imperative for me to do that is based on an actual need for me to do that or just a knowledge that I can't do that solves the problem.

I know you don't seem to really understand how my brain works and I cannot handle being in some sort of freak out and having to calm you down in the middle of it, and I have no idea what you might throw at me, and I've never had sex with an experienced man--  so, on the one hand, it might be great, but on the other hand it might freak me out.  And I don't want you to take this wrong but you are very very straight and male and there are just a lot of worrying variables and I am not even sure I believe you are attracted to me.

So it's like I want to because I LOVE you and because I want to feel literally the physical witness of your love on my body, but I am not SURE about a bunch of stuff, and honestly I'm pretty sure you are thinking in terms of adult women you've had stuff with and there are a lot of ways I'm more like a teenager, really.

BUT ALSO 

then my stuff doesn't work so we'll and I'm afraid if things don't go perfect you'll be like well that wasn't worth doing and kinda move on.  Maybe you are just trying to get over me.  Or maybe a bunch of stuff.  I don't understand what you want or want out of me and I'm vulnerable under the best of situations here, but I'm sixteen years out of practice with fault equipment and I just think the likelihood of sh*t going perfect is not high.

Does this make sense.  I'm trying not to say I don't really trust you, but there is an element of that that is not just because you are a man, but also because of the way you have behaved in the past, and my inability to understand your point of view so, to try to put it in some perspective that you can understand.

Imagine you were in love with an alien.

You didn't know what kind of genitals she had or what she thought sex was or what she thought it would mean for your relationship if you had sex and what kind of change there might be in your future interactions.

Imagine she expected you to perform some sort of asking for sex ceremony that you had no idea what it was or how to do, but you weren't sure that she was able to be the kind of supportive you might need because her attitude was not even clear to you and

she spoke in code that you weren't sure you always understood.

AND 

you also weren't sure whether she thought it was like a serious thing or just a fun thing that was no big deal.

Oh, and maybe, just maybe she was just doing it because she didn't want you to stop hanging around, and she thought you would if she didn't appease you.

That's the best I can do

& I'm truly SORRY 

for how unsexy that was.

Maybe all of that is ridiculous.

But I have absolutely NO framework for FUN sex.

if this is harsh or offensive and you want to reject me for it then, in my mind, it proves I was right to have these fears, and the only way to get past them is to state them so

maybe you won't love me after this, idk seriously

I saw Carter Sampson at a song swap--  I decided to prioritize song swaps since I couldn't handle much inside/people/sound and that allowed me the largest exposure to different musicians--  and she said she had a booth selling vintage clothing in the pastures of plenty.  I knew as soon as she said that that I was gonna see her and her big red glasses again.  I did force myself to the pasture on the last night and I really didn't need to be that afraid--  it was very manageable crowd-wise.  I found her booth, didn't initially find anything that looked like it would fit me.  I looked at everything else and circled back.  We chatted.  I found a hand crocheted vest in a beautiful crimson color which may or may not look good with my coloring and a lino-cut print she did with a line from one her songs--  I do all the heavy lifting on my own.  I tell her it's my first year but...

"A lot of us think of this as kinda a family reunion," she says looking at me through her big red glasses and smiling.

"YES," I say, completely understanding.

OK

I think I'm gonna write this next part kinda as it comes out, but I think there's a good chunk of this that probably doesn't go in the final story-- so just keep that in mind.

I had some trepidation about the large stage shows.  I have never been good with crowds.  When I was twenty I went to London-- I had a friend in an exchange program and I stayed with him for a couple days.  We went to the changing of the guard and I became so agitated that my friend was kinda shocked.

"You aren't good with crowds.  Why didn't you tell me, we didn't have to do this."

But I hadn't really known.  It just got worse over the years until I won free tickets to see Lenny Kravitz at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell pavilion--  I struggled through the pre-shows only to realize that when the "whole audience" arrived I couldn't take it--  I left during the second Kravitz song and haven't been to another large scale concert.  I have gone to the 30A festival like four times and have never once even considered going to the "main stage" even when it was someone I would have liked to see.

In fact, I think maybe I should talk about the differences in these festivals to illustrate my ideosyncracies.  30A is appealing because it has a lot of singer songwriters.  Some of them are young and new to you and that's exciting.  Some of them you know and love and that's exciting.  Then venues are local restaurants and bars and that's fun.  But I really don't like it.  You have to drive back and forth and the parking is awful.  But there's also some X factor that is just my special problem.  I thought it was going to be this beautiful coastal vistas situation--  and it isn't;  the whole area is so developed that you can't even really see the ocean just jillions and jillions of condos or whatever that they are so proud of.  I made the mistake of going to a food event and coming in contact with the club members who own condos there and they revolted me.  I am, according to someone I used to know, the most class-conscious individual in existence--  which is probably not true, but what is true is I tend to have a problem with people with money;  they don't even need to be rich just the level of what we used to call yuppie is enough to put me right off--  the entitled attitude and lack of the need or even desire to see anyone else's point of view agitates me unreasonably.  So, on balance, I don't enjoy 30A--  I drive way out of my way to avoid staying in any of the condos and in fact stay in a cheap old school motel in Destin.

The Woody Guthrie festival, in contrast:

I show up I can't figure out what is going on.  A woman on the street asks me if I need help.  I'm like:  I don't know where I'm supposed to go, I downloaded the app and the map doesn't make sense to me, I don't know if I'm parked in the right place, I'm completely confused.  She sorts me partially and says welcome to the land of confusion in a good natured way like I have been completely rational (which I'm pretty sure I was not).  No no I say, I think I bring THAT with me wherever I go.  I'm trying to explain that I am not judging them, I am just freaking out.

"Oh, like a rain cloud over your head," she smiles like she totally understands and has no judgement, and I am already low-key in love with this place.

The first thing I do is walk into the crystal, decide I'm not ready for that level of people or whatever, and turn around and walk to the hen house.  I see a woman and my first thought is:  she's had some bad troubles, but I'm not sure WHY I think that.  She is possibly frail, but maybe not.  She is very small boned, delicate, and I am big boned and not so I may have assumed frailty.  But I noticed her as one of the first just people there, I guess.  Then later I'm standing in line with her for the restroom and she's from Canada, BC.  We're talking about the weather and she tells me about atmospheric rivers and kinda blows my mind.  Someone comes up to her and they exchange names and even though I'm terrible with names I see her on Sunday and call her by name and ask her if she had a good festival (she comes every year and works to help out).  She is slightly distressed that she doesn't remember my name or exactly where she knows me from.  

"Oh, the line for the restroom at the hen house and we didn't exchange names, I just heard you tell someone else."

(I temporarily have hot water and I need to shower in my window--  continuing)

I heard this one butch Hancock song

I don't know what it's called

I really want to play it for you

it was kinda

sweet and delicate 

BUT 

I can't remember 

ANY of the words

SO

it may take a while

well

I wasn't quick

BUT 

I've thought about the story more

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

I'm home safe