AS I'm WRITING these THINGS

I'm FEELING like

WHAT I'm writing is GOOD

like

I FEEL like I'm BREAKING through

BUT

then I think about HOW MUCH

EVERYTHING

is CYCLING through

I WONDER if I'm even managing

to be just NOT completely INSANE

OK

so like I REALLY want to tell you

about THERAPY

I THINK you will see RIGHT away

why I didn't want you to think

ANY of this

was in ANY way

related to YOU because it's KINDA bad

I know WAY more about my therapist

than I want to now

EVERY session he just tells me

MORE and more personal stuff

& I MEAN

EVERYBODY does

BUT I wasn't really expecting it

NONE of the OTHER therapists

I've been to EVER told me

ANYTHING personal

THEY were much more formal

ALSO

they were WOMEN

SO anyway

my SYSTEM red flagged him

POTENTIAL pathological liar

he says a lot of STUFF

& he red flagged once BEFORE

because his story CHANGED

the EVENTS of his THANKSGIVING

which had to be last minute changed

because there was an EXPLOSION at

the lake house

BUT

I chalked that inconsistency up to

some sort of TACTICS

BUT

this time he told ME

he was responsible for DESTROYING

a VAN GOGH

& a DEGAS

along with his group of cousins

NOW I gather his family was LOADED

but a VAN GOGH

AND a DEGAS both hanging

in the SAME room

a general use room where they let the KIDS play

BUT they got them restored, right

I asked

OH they couldn't BE restored

& they were INSURED and everything

WELL I assure YOU

he described the DAMAGE

& they ABSOLUTELY could have been restored

now maybe the insurance company

might have been happy

to TAKE the paintings

& give them what they were INSURED for

BUT then he described the SIZE

of the PIECES

& the PUNISHMENT

they all had to do A LOT of YARDWORK

AND HOW

he asks ME

is that an APPROPRIATE punishment

AND

I realized this was not REALLY an appropriate

RED FLAG either

BECAUSE

they were PRINTS

OR perhaps copy "originals"

& his punishment for destroying THOSE

was to THINK

like his whole life

that he had destroyed a real VAN GOGH

& a real DEGAS

BUT that the ONLY punishment

was YARDWORK

God DOES

have a sense of HUMOR 

the WEIRD thing is

although I AM an EAGLES fan

I've never heard THAT song before

KATZ oracle, man

I dreamed I was on the ROAD

& the hotel room

when I woke up

had a BUNCH of different people in it

like with no explanation

THEN I was packing up

and there were these drawings

my brother did when he was a kid

kinda torn on the floor

I talked to some lady

with a booth at a craft show

I can't really remember that part

& I saw misty

I'm not sure where I was

BUT

there was a FLOOD coming

and we got on a BUS

YOU were on the bus

sitting behind me somewhere

I couldn't see you

but I was getting something from my phone

I seemed perfectly fine with that

OK

well

even if I've somehow pissed you off

& you don't want anything to do with me

which I have to say

I don't really understand

because

I don't think I was

rude or anything

but

even if I have somehow

irredeemably lost your love

I just want you to know

I LOVE YOU

VERY much

👾🫚

OK

just in case

you felt like I was trying to be tricky

or something

& in case you saw it

I guess you aren't interested in

anything

where you open yourself any further

that's sad

but not really surprising

I am

I have to admit

confused

& more than a little intrigued

i

I FEEL like

I NEED to CLARIFY

the trip to VEGAS was not a trip

I took to GET to YOU

YOU helped me

in the TIME of danger

BUT

we're in NO WAY the source

of that DANGER

the THING that I regret

is not that it didn't work out

to marry you or whatever

I have NEVER known what the mission IS

it is ENTIRELY possible

that whatever I was supposed to do

FOR you is already done

HOWEVER

I feel like that is probably NOT the whole story

I REALLY feel like

WE are some sort of IMPORTANT unit

if I am supposed to write something

I ONLY want to write to YOU

I GET that you want to ACTIVATE me

BUT

the more you try to DIRECT that

the more you RISK

well, everything really

the more you emphasize FAST

the more I think

you are looking to EXIT

if you want to EXIT

you can't worry about FIXING me first

if you DON'T want to exit

then just FEEL how you feel

& let me feel how I feel

BUT

it's not going to be easy

to take the FULL onslaught of emotion

& the try to reign back my response

to ONLY see it as intangible

AND

I have NO way to gauge the WATER level

SO I feel like

PLAYFUL is the direction to go

NOT serious

RESET

doesn't seem to me to equal

FULL VOLUME right

I am not just worried about how YOU see me

I have to worry about how I SEE you too

& the THING I wanted to GET to

that I would consider to

I don't want to say failed 

BUT

am surprised at

is how well you have kept me OUT

ya know

I treasure every ACTUAL

BUT I am apparently willing to

bare my SOUL to who the f*CK ever

just to be able to TALK to YOU

it's weird & disorienting

BUT

it's working through the daddy & deborah issues

MAYBE none of this is NEW

I tend to think

if I said it ONCE like fifteen YEARS ago

then ASKED & ANSWERED

BUT

MAYBE not

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

I just wrote you a thing

I don't have time to write it again right now

& it published it on puppyfishing

that WAS NOT intentional

BUT

it would help me out

if you could go there to read it

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

I wish I coulda seen it

I know you were

WONDERFUL

I love you very much

👾🫚

ANOTHER cherished MEMORY

is AMSTERDAM

the JUMBLE of personal items

REDISTRIBUTED

the MOVABLE 🍊

STREET festival

YOU were THERE 

& somehow so was i

& there was a fabulous

UNESCO world heritage ADVENTURE

which YOU maybe

or maybe not

KNEW about

perhaps

I CREATED it

BUT

YOU get credit for it anyway 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

what I DIDN'T tell him

I felt so LUCKY

to have

gotten to the hotel

GOTTEN a room

there was a DEL TACO

across the parking lot

they were OPEN

I got SOMETHING

to eat I don't remember what

with their not nearly HOT enough

HOT SAUCE

&

TWO giant iced teas

& I watched the SNOW out the window

AND

I wrote to YOU

I had had some DREAMS

about being a TRUCKER somehow

AND

if I remember correctly

SOMETHING

about a monkey tail

it was LIKE you were WITH me

then I TOLD him about

the drive from FLAGSTAFF

to VEGAS

which is MAYBE

the scariest DRIVE

EVER

the road was TECHNICALLY

OPEN

BUT it was BROKEN patchy ice

SLIPPERY

UNEVEN

he's like where did you learn to drive ice like that

I didn't LEARN

I just DID it

& it was REALLY frightening

BUT

as I got CLOSER to VEGAS

the ice MELTED

& the HOOVER DAM

was AMAZING

(to be continued)

SO

I wanna talk about THERAPY

& I would DEARLY love

to tell YOU

BUT

I cannot RISK it

maybe I'll figure out a way

WHAT I am gonna TALK about

is like

what I LEARNED today

I don't REALLY understand WHY

BUT when I say THINGS

in therapy

I HEAR them

or something

SOMETIMES it's like when you TEACH

something it somehow

BECOMES clearer

because you had to EXPLAIN it

ANYWAY this week

I was trying to explain MYSELF

I was trying to explain something

& the explanation

led me to

that ROAD TRIP

where I drove to VEGAS

I stopped in SEDONA

I was in a shop

& the lady

told me a BLIZZARD was coming

I had to get to FLAGSTAFF

she gave me DIRECTIONS to the cleared highway

it wound UP through the mountains

& the POSSIBILITY 

of just

like

sliding OFF the side

seemed PRETTY real

you must have been TERRIFIED

he says

the THING about me is

I'm kinda SPIRITUAL

so there's a WAY in which

I'm like

if I slide off a mountain in SEDONA

MAYBE

that's just what was MEANT to happen

& although

I MIGHT get semi crippling ANXIETY

like leaving the HOUSE

if there is like

an ACTUAL crisis

I'm CALM

it was BEAUTIFUL

(to be continued)

I'm NOT being

negative

& I'm NOT trying to be difficult

BUT

I DO need you to get

where I'm coming from

so to speak

related to that food tour

we took

last summer in Spain 

I guess

if one level of thing is true

then I want to ask about

one thing

& if another level of thing is true

then probably another

I did not need to worry about my therapist

he is still thinking small

I love you sweetheart

I hope you are having FUN

in whatever yare doing RIGHT NOW

👾🫚

❤️

11:11

❤️

good morning sweetheart

I hope you are

having a BEAUTIFUL day

I don't know what it means

BUT

I am mesmerized by the tomato

there's a way

in which I am like afraid to talk

because

I'm afraid I'll f*CK up again

I feel like my timing of f*CK up

last night was particularly bad

AND

the last thing I want to do

is discourage the MAGIC

❤️❤️❤️

I LOVE you VERY much

ALSO

YOU ARE PRETTY AMAZING

BUT

you are purdy too

👾🫚

🐦🐦🐦

🎯💎

I HOPE it was clear

that I was ACTUALLY

talking about my day

&

my like ACTUAL trepidation

about THERAPY

TOMORROW

BUT

I just read BACK through it

& I saw THINGS

I'm still processing

BUT

I want to be SURE that if I SOUNDED

negative or discharging

in ANYTHING

that you UNDERSTAND

it was NOT

directed

& ALSO

you look SO purdy

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I CANNOT articulate

I journey I have gone through TODAY

SO many things

I want to TALK about

I'm so tired

We got this FUN monster tempra PAINT

I just remember TEMPRA being 

horrible in elementary school

BUT

this stuff THINS out similar

to WATERCOLOR

& it works similarly to ACRYLIC

thicker

BUT

with a SOFTER quality

my FAVORITE customer came in

his name is JOHN*

when he FIRST came in

he was trying to SALVAGE a tile

BACKSPLASH

he had painted as a CUSTOM job

TURNED OUT he didn't know TILE well

I THINK he had WATERCOLOR painted 

the TILES that is & they FADED

in the FIRING

ANYWAY I guess the point is

he's ALWAYS doing something INTERESTING

& he's always trying to get AWAY

& he paints with WATERCOLOR

TODAY he walked in with a BOOK

that I might NEED

BUT

I could just SEE turner

so I THOUGHT he was gonna want

TURNER YELLOW

he SURPRISED me

he wanted LEMON YELLOW

& we talked about PRIMATEK colors*

SODALITE 

we talked about BRUSHES***

I'm not sure how old he is

I THINK he might be a VIETNAM VET

BUT

maybe I'm just being dramatic

he SEEMS about the right age

& he had just come from the VA

I thought about YOU

ALL DAY

BUT

I can't really tell you about it

I don't think I can keep up

with my brain

since I still have to cycle through

all permutations

apparently

I'm SUPER slow

like maybe I know something BEFORE

I know it & then REALIZE it later

it's KINDA freaking me out

ALTHOUGH

since that's my THING

I'm not sure WHY

can't REMEMBER where Tom lives

WISH I could say hi to FRED

I feel like I got a lotta moving parts

around here

maybe I can get a handle on things tomorrow

I have THERAPY tomorrow

I FINALLY made him realize

what I'm talking about

& 

I feel like

I'm in FLUX

& I don't want him to do whatever he THINKS

is going to make me

figure out my VISION right NOW****

I mean I don't feel like he could throw me

off my game or anything

BUT

at the same time

although I mentioned the "spirit guide"

telling me to start my own religion

I also said I didn't think it was a good idea

I did not say

oh YEAH I think I forgot to mention

I'm on a MISSION from God

&

I'm actually trying to figure THAT all out

I don't really want to take an inventory of my five highest skill set areas

I don't want anything INTENSE either

I don't feel SOLID at all

BUT

I don't know whether to try to have a plan

or just see what he throws at me

and respond

I need to try and sleep

I want to WRITE you clever 

beautiful

STUFF

but all I seem to have the bandwidth for

is confused ramblings about my day

& I'm ALREADY three episodes

BEHIND

& ANXIETY

WHY am I like that

*this just struck me as funny

**Daniel Smith watercolors using natural minerals

***which are on sale 40% off

****he made it sound like oh yes of course now I understand ok next session 

I am recommending that crave Sonoma bbq as tasty in the extreme 

🌧️☕🥐

👾🫚

💚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I GOTTA go to sleep

BUT

I think I KNOW what's going on

BRICK HOUSE the other day

when I was worried that I MIGHT be

vulnerable qua EXTRA clumsy

that music TODAY 

the UNIVERSE is like picking my

FIGHT intro

I vibed the POSITIVE

I ENGAGED

I had a GOOD time

I got to tell SONNY who

I'm pretty sure has cancer BUT

we don't actually KNOW

I got to TELL her

I had SEEN her work out in the WORLD

& I was happy to see it

& it was BEAUTIFUL

AND

she LOOKS good

& I haven't wanted to keep asking her

HOW she's doing because I KNOW

that's a drag BUT I've been low key WORRIED

about her & I CARE

AND

I'm so so glad she didn't get COVID

& if ALL I had done TODAY

was to make her FEEL better*

that woulda been a GOOD day

BUT I also got to tell Melinda

I love her work

I talked to EVERYONE**

I MET a really nice woman with an Instagram I'm now following

I MET a really nice woman who I ALREADY

knew of because like THREE people

had told me they KNEW

about the open studio

because MELISSA told them

in her NEWSLETTER

she lived in LOS ANGELES

she wrote about the ARTS

reviews or events

IDK

but her mom is OLD so she moved back home

she has this thing she does

SEEMS very LA to me

but it's probably just good NETWORKING

she takes PICTURES

TEXTS them to you

but I got HER number now too

ALTON was walking through

just at that MOMENT

& slid into the conversation

no after party

almost everyone snuck out EARLY

and I was driving anyway

Justin makes a GOOD mimosa

AND

HHC is an introvert's best friend

the weird thing is

at the end of the day

making my last spin through 

I got some song I'm not sure of the name

stuck in my head

I like the musical hook

I gotta look it up

hang on

f*CK does THAT mean

it's METALLICA enter sandman

well it felt HAPPY 

it was JUST that little SAMPLE in my head

*that did seem to be the case

**this is probably not technically true but it is true essentially basically pretty much 

goodnight SWEETHEART 

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I need to go to SLEEP

BUT I forgot SOMETHING

I have pretty much decided that

the UNIVERSE is guiding me on* 

BUT

the message was

I got a PAPER CUT from my

pu ehr tea PACKED in BAMBOO wrapping 

I drink this tea like all day

HAVE been for OVER a YEAR

suddenly TODAY I get a paper cut

NEVER before

I wasn't SURE what this meant

my FIRST thought was

oh TODAY I'm super clumsy

maybe I shouldn't DRIVE

BUT

the WALK was NOT perilous

so I DID drive

THEN at the STUDIO

I put that aluminum panel piece

into the FRAME

afixed D rings**

put HOOKS in the wall**

AND

the PIECE is hanging STRAIGHT

on the FIRST try

*I started to say CONTENT but I thought you might plotz

**two of them

I had a STRANGE day

EVERYTHING related to YOU

has been BEAUTIFUL

I saw a billboard

on the way home that upset me

I KNOW they MUST mean you 

RENT the GUN

in the RANGE to USE in the RANGE

NOT

pay forty bucks

TAKE AWAY a f*CKing GUN

BUT

that WAS NOT how I read it FIRST

& I am SO over this whole MACHINE GUN fetish

I was in TRAFFIC so I was stopped

enough to take the PICTURE

ALSO

I think I owe you an APOLOGY

I think I MAY have SEEMED to be saying

something I didn't mean to be saying

🙏🎯💎

might need translation

OR

it might NOT

🎯💎 Is what I regularly use in text communication to mean my version of like

PERFECT but I actually think of it as

HIGH VALUE TARGET ACHIEVED

so what it meant here was like

I hope it WORKS

BUT now I see it could have POSSIBLY

meant other things

which might have caused you STRESS

BUT

on that OTHER thing

YOU make a VALID point

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

OK

well fingers crossed

that I don't have a problem

i already did something wrong

BUT

I think I'm back on track

🙏🎯💎

THAT

was FUN

I HAD to double back

& get a second HIT of the oracle

it was NOT the Steve Miller band

idk who it WAS

BUT

KATZ oracle

I got a bruise on my CHIN

& a skinned KNEE

the HAT seems undamaged

(but I have a backup of the hat anyway)

EXCITING things

feel like they are CLOSE

have a BEAUTIFUL day sweetheart

👾🫚

I gotta go to SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

I've got to TELL you though

it's a MOM story

I'm in like FULL on I WANT to call it HERMS

BUT that JUST came to me

I haven't searched YET

I was going to GET that woman to SAY something ANYTHING that came from her HEART

I experienced a sort of SLITHER

AWAY from anything I ASKED

BUT

there were moments when I FELT like

SOME sort of REVIVALIST

I EXPERIENCED it as pulling out 

a LITTLE bit

twilighting

MAYBE now there's ROOM

for some LIGHT

I'm NOT sure this is in ANY way

an ACCURATE description

BUT

that's HOW it felt

AND

I feel kinda WEIRD

bringing up PUPPYFISH*

BUT

I'm NOT trying to be all like

SCRUNCHIE face

in ANY sort of way about it

I'm just trying to

FIGURE it out

*WOW, that's like an unintentional double entendre & maybe some sort of Freudian slip

BUT

I keep thinking

about some SEMI epistolary SOMETHING

it ALWAYS seems

kinda dumb

BUT

then very RECENTLY

I saw* him grown up

&

got the name VERY strongly

I do FEEL like it means SOMETHING 

*I really more like conceptualized him-- usually these vision-y things are not very clear**

**in fact it's pretty useless for actually foretelling in any pre-planning kinda way but it does help you know it when you see it

ALSO

you KNOW I'm buying THAT stuff

I'm not SURE what message

the UNIVERSE 

is sending me

with the puppyfish

he's so....

I MISS him sometimes

that's WEIRD, huh

it's even weirder

that I was THINKING about him

I can't remember WHEN

exactly

BUT

it was in relation to WRITING

something

ARI EL rey

I don't KNOW what it means

BUT

he feels ALIVE

whatever that MEANS

OK

I'm ok

I think the hat kept me from

HITTING quite so hard

my knee is abrated pretty bad

but the pants are undamaged

universal standard

on the short list

SCARED me

I fell

I hit my head

I'm pretty sure I'm fine

BUT

I'm being careful

I had a concussion once

I don't think I have one now

might have a headache that

slows down writing 

the TOP one (I like better) frame 

For some reason

my blog switched on my dashboard

to the picture of the

puppyfish

&

it didn't make me sad

of course I think it's a sign

BUT

of what

I guess I'll know

when I write it tonight

but

I have to come back tomorrow

to finish hanging

and etc

SO

gotta figure it out fast

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

ALSO

I'm NOT trying

to be all

MIND PUZZLE assh*le

I'm NOT saying there's like

a TARGET answer

I was just like IN it

ALL day at work

&

I REALLY wondered 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I WONDERED

WHAT you would THINK I meant

ONE 

PIECE

at a TIME 

if you would THINK

WHAT

I don't KNOW

I HAVE to tell YOU although

MAYBE it will offend

it is a TREASURED memory

ONE day 

she was standing THERE in the cash wrap

her HAIR radiating GOLDEN 

vibing earth goddess somehow

& I said

you smell REALLY GOOD

she DOES NOT

miss a BEAT

I'm MENSTRUATING*

ALSO 

she brought me FOOD on thanksgiving

she brought it to WORK

she ONLY brought food for ME

like she was making a POINT of it

she had a BOYFRIEND 

she wasn't HITTING on me exactly

it was SWEET

AND

one night I gave her a RIDE home

& she wanted me to come up to her ROOM

wanted me to hear ROCKY RACCOON

leaning across the BED

& I thought

there's a PRETTY good chance

she WANTS me to kiss her

she was like seventeen

I was like TWENTY five

her MOTHER

nearby

I can't say I EVEN considered it

but the IDEA of her

was STRONGER than the ACTUALITY

& I wanted her PURE 

in some way

(to be continued)

*like duh of course I am the incense of ♀️

SO

I see HER answering something

outside the ORDINARY fourteen year old

yet SWEET 

innocent INTENSE

he sees she's NOT ordinary

the ATTRACTION to innocence

it made me think of that OKLAHOMA sunflower

she was smart too

BUT

it was her ESSENCE somehow

AND

I can remember BEING a young woman

or GIRL really

who was RARELY spoken to in a way

that CALLED FORTH anything

& at that AGE

with all that BUILT UP

I can ONLY imagine

I THINK she HAD loved him

for like her practically ENTIRE life

& she WANTED him

I KNOW what she means 

about the EYES*

I THINK she KNEW

he WASN'T going to see HER anymore

because SHE would be CHANGED

SHE was LOOKING for it

& she SAW it

(to be continued)

*though of course not specifically exactly 

how is HEATHCLIFF

is something I MIGHT say

and it's SO good

it sets her up PERFECTLY

ON the OTHER hand if you're all like READING

wuthering heights

THAT one question ANSWERS

how far have you GOTTEN in the STORY

in a BETTER way

I could IMAGINE

REALLY some of what he MUST have felt

WAIT I'm getting AHEAD of myself

I LOVE that it was wuthering heights

I AM HEATHCLIFF

BUT that's what I LOVED about it

I couldn't stand

PRIDE & PREJUDICE

I couldn't make myself read BOVARY

BUT ALSO

as a question

it has the FORMAT of 

the kind of question you asked BACK in the DAY

to find out if someone was gay

YOU couldn't just like ASK

I MEAN I guess technically you COULD

BUT you didn't you sort of DROP*

& see if it gets PICKED up

(to be continued)

*I really want to say hankies

OK

MAYBE I'll just start AT the BEGINNING

that's REALLY kicking it old school

I had this SUDDEN FLASH

that album cover I DESCRIBED a while BACK*

I SAW it

BUT it was the COVER of a book**

BUT

I didn't get anything else

so not SURE what

THEN

I really WANTED to LOOK up

Salinger

& there was this VIDEO it was AMAZING!!!

this WOMAN is 

well, she ISN'T really

PHOEBE -- that was her name, right?

I FEEL confident enough NOT to look it up

BUT I take this seriously 

thank God YES

I would be MAD at myself

& THAT

isn't really WHAT I mean

I MEAN she was TALKING

& I could see it

I could be BOTH of them

I had that experience SORT OF

in a final exam in CHICANO history to 1910

one of the ESSAY choices was

SOMETHING LIKE

describe the morning of a CHICANO woman

in some circumstance***

& it was like I was THERE

I almost didn't FINISH the f*CKing exam

I couldn't STOP

AND

it was not the last question

WELL this was different

but not MUCH

all these OTHER things HAPPENED

but I REALLY only want to listen to****

talk about THAT

(to be continued)

*I think I told you about it 

**I couldn't see it very clearly though I know it was broken pieces of mirror on the pavement spelling out the words but I don't remember what was reflected in the mirrors

***I honestly can't remember 

****Freudian slip?

I'm having a HARD time

making THIS a coherent THING 

I LOVE you VERY much

sweetheart

sweet dreams

👾🫚

I have lived here

for YEARS

& I just talked to the TREES

TODAY

told them how important they are

in my DAY to day

did you UNDERSTAND

the Salinger thing?

it's pretty

indirect

BUT

provides me with something

that GIVES me

a LOT of HAPPINESS

I HOPE you understood 

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

WAITING/Salinger

would be the 🔥

SO

I'm picking that one

I didn't even want SEX

I wanted COFFEE

I'm not saying

I didn't enjoy any of it

HOPE

& belief

are NOT the same 

OK

something you would have

no particular WAY to know ABOUT me

if anyone PROMISES me anything

it pretty much

MEANS nothing

in my EXPERIENCE people SAY whatever

& maybe they mean it 

when they SAY it

OR

maybe they don't

but it doesn't translate to MEANING

BUT

when someone SAYS

I NEVER promised you blah blah

whether that's TRUE or not

the MEANING I associate to THAT is

BAD ACTOR

MOST people it's pretty easy to tell

what you can EXPECT

BUT

you NOT so much

you never quite give me enough

POINTS to make a line, ya know

which is COMPLETELY understandable

BUT

a little SKETCHY too

if you know what I mean

AND

I don't know how AWARE you are of your PATTERNS

BUT you radiate I NEED YOU

pretty LOUDLY when it's been a while

and you insinuate things

which I KNOW aren't promises

and which UNIFORMLY do not come to pass

THEN

when I complain that I didn't get

what I NEEDED out of the experience

the vibe I get is BAD ACTOR

I never really base my understanding of

my relationship with anyone

on what they SAY

SO

I TRY to leave

you clearly want me not to

that's what I KNOW 

BUT

I KEEP coming back to

HE BROKE MY BRAIN he doesn't CARE about me

enough not to just WILLY NILLY

BREAK MY BRAIN

he FULL ON triggered a DOOR SLAM

& then he wants to CRITIQUE the outcome

which DID NOT include

the DOOR SLAM he SO SO clearly ASKED for

THIS has been a big problem for me

WHAT the f*CK did he THINK he was doing

I don't actually believe that you WERE

trying to free me

& it's CLEAR that you didn't get

whatever the expected outcome

AND

I tried to use everything that I know about you

but I kept getting STUCK

SO

my best GUESS is that you thought

if I just HAD the MOMENT

& lived through it

that it would like RESET or something

BUT

that isn't how I operate

I'm NOT a free flowing in the MOMENT person

YOU think I am because I SEEM like that

from the OUTSIDE

all those little "in the moment" things

are like meditation one with the UNIVERSE

& I am looking for messages ALWAYS

I think for you

the POSSIBILITY of the moment

anything could happen

is part of the EXPERIENCE

BUT

I haven't really ever experienced any of our time

since well at least the last time

you looked at me

LIKE you were happy to see me*

in this way

SO

it's been like he needs me

I love him

I have to go

and he will do the thing he does

and I will cry

oh what fun

AND

I say I'm not going to do this again EVER

and then you radiate I NEED YOU

& I can't make you suffer

ALTHOUGH

I don't actually believe you ARE suffering

I have TRIED to explain

if I experienced our time together

the way you do

I'm sure it would be different

BUT

I CAN'T not try to make it MEAN something

and I'm not lying or making up all that

MISSION from God shit

I think you think I AM

BUT I'm not

SO

always constantly

HOW is this the mission

NOT

oh look at the pretty boy make nice words

oooo fun fun he like me a little mmm mmmm

SO

whether it was helpful or not

I took the mission of being your muse

your guardian angel

WHATEVER else worked it's way in there

I did all that with the driving FORCE

that NO ONE ever asks for

AND mostly no one WANTS

BUT

YOU DID

but I didn't actually have much FUN

I don't want to be RESPONSIBLE for you

any more

I KNOW you didn't ASK for that

BUT you didn't refuse it either

if that makes any SENSE

I KNOW that probably a lot

of what you think and feel about me

is an ABSTRACTION

it's LIKE a creative ritual

and that dovetails nicely with my

SHAMANISTIC thing

AND

the reason I specifically said things

like I know you need to NOT

tell me things

so that I can maintain belief

was because I KNEW

it was NOT true

but

I didn't WANT to KNOW

HOW not true it was

I KNEW what I KNEW and I didn't

WANT to know anymore that that

BECAUSE

I KNEW what I KNEW

for whatever reason

YOU NEEDED ME

& THAT was ENOUGH

my mother said it was all you USING me

way BACK

when I was trying to be friends with her before

AND

I gotta SAY

that saved your BACON

MORE than once

because my MOM doesn't know

SHIT about human interaction

if she says it

it has BY DEFINITION

GOT to be WRONG

PLUS the tarot reader in SANTA CRUZ

the second reading

inextricably LISTEN to the ANGELS

& I'm all like

the f*CK ANGELS?!

BUT

then there was that reading

with the ANGELS TAROT

NOTHING can dissuade him from 

LOVING you

&

I KNOW how long men's attention span

about some rando woman is

&

I KNOW you aren't as young and 🔥 as you were

BUT I'm SURE you still have women

INTERESTED ENOUGH

& I was NEVER trying to be 🔥

it CAN only ever have been ME

not my LOOKS or whatever

PLUS

I'm NOT easy

I'm HELLA difficult

I just don't think there's ANY way

you don't KINDA love me

BUT

then I get BAD ACTOR vibe

& I don't trust you

AND I don't really WANT

oooo oooo pretty boy make nice words

he like me a little mmm mmmm

ya know

I WANT some sort of MEANING

I'm flexible about WHAT it is

AND

I'm trying to get to the place

where I say

I have need for MAGIC

this makes magic for me

& I can take that magic and use it

to CREATE something else

BUT

I don't want to be USED for my magic

which I have a shit-ton of

& people have used it ALL MY LIFE

BUT

I was telling the therapist about

some of my super powers

&

WHEN I said it

it became clearer

I have this way of holding all possibilities

AT ONCE as real

it's kinda a QUANTUM thing

& I can hold em SPINNING for a long time

BUT then

I don't always pick the REALITY

that's best for me

& tony robbins

showed me

that I COULD

& THEN I had

SINGING in the RAIN in my head

& I THINK I might be able to

ANCHOR to it

SO

DON'T give me bad actor vibes

& I won't be responsible for you

RESET

(I think)

*2009

it's therapy day

I ALREADY have some revelations

BUT

I still have to go to therapy

MORE later

I don't really feel like talking tonight

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

👾🫚

I guess

I just really wanted to know

if you were really

my friend 

I LOVE you

I have to THINK

there has got to be a way

to explain

what I FEEL

WHAT I'm TRYING desperately to explain

I'm NOT trying to be DIFFICULT

BUT

I just wrote a big thing

and I don't think it

was SIMPLE or even particularly

COHERENT

SO

let me try after I eat something

I had like three hours of sleep

I have a headache

I'm not at my most eloquent

in the meantime

please try to remember

anything I've done

that you liked in the past

because I'm not saying

there won't be any thrill factor

I just don't want THAT to be my

DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC ya know

& I'm NOT promising it

SO

what I'm HEARING is

you don't WANT to listen to me anymore

so GO AWAY?

YOU don't WANT to be

the ONLY OTHER person I CARE about talking to

UNLESS there's the THRILL factor?

OR you're saying

do what I NEED to do

& you'll be here for me?

I can think of NO context

in which it makes ANY

SENSE

that I have UPTOWN GIRL stuck in my HEAD 

SO ANYWAY

gotta go to sleep

WORK tomorrow

HOPE 

that didn't just SOUND crazy

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I'm thinking I've said all this BEFORE

but SOMEHOW it seems NEW

AND THEN it occurred to me

SIMPLE explanations

for DIFFICULT things

it's different

it's THE DIFFERENCE

now, of course I can see HOW

I could have it ALL wrong

BUT I still don't KNOW what

LIGHTER trick

SO

have we got THREE now

& when I met YOU

I LITERALLY had a COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

that's not POETRY

so I was CERTAIN you were connected

to my THING I was supposed to do

I VOLUNTEERED I just got WEAK instructions

BUT

I instructions DID seem very CLEARLY

YOU will KNOW it WHEN you SEE it

AND

that I met ANOTHER ONE

what the FUCK does that even mean

another WHAT

BUT DUDE

I was in LOVE with your MIND

I was attracted to you

WHAT was I seriously supposed to DO

AND

I don't feel like that was the WRONG thing

I still don't know

BUT

I mean I can see

HOW I've kinda

LEVELED UP

or gone insane*

*for real for real

WELL

I wasn't sure what to TALK about

but I am in the flow I guess

SO the universe sent me

DAD

I've told you dad stories

BUT

not for a while

I don't remember what I told you ALREADY

he had this thing he did

REALLY upset me

he would say

when I DIE I want you to put me

in a HEFTY BAG

take me out in a FIELD

& BLOW ME UP

I would TRY to explain

IF I try to do THAT there will be

NO way to PROVE

that I DIDN'T KILL you

that did NOT dissuade HIM

I would TRY to explain

this conversation is UPSETTING me

that did NOT dissuade HIM

this was NOT a ONE TIME thing

it went on FOR YEARS

UNTIL I figured out

what to SAY 

to HIM

JASON

by the way

NEVER got him to stop

although perhaps it didn't bother HIM*

the NEXT time**

he made with the BLOW ME UP

I LOOKED at him

& I said

WHEN you DIE

I am going to HAVE YOU BRONZED

and PROP you in the corner

NEVER mentioned again

the BLOW UP thing

was related to this message

he was always trying to give me MESSAGES

but they were often GARBLED

(possible WORD SALADS)

OR

disrupted by the STARING OFF into space

BUT

he could get the whole BLOW UP message

without losing the thread

it was ABOUT

IMPERMANENCE not becoming ATTACHED

to THINGS

or PEOPLE

& I mean I GOT it

THAT'S how I knew what to SAY to

STOP him, ya know

I THINK he was schizotypal

or SOMETHING like

he had had a BRAIN injury

his SISTERS said he had a personality change

AFTER

the COMA

when I FINALLY figured out

was in that SAME period of time

EIGHT-ish

I DON'T know

what it was ABOUT me THEN

*although he sort of implemented my plan without knowing it

**to be honest I'm not sure I thought it up ahead of time and this makes it sound that way

SOGGY TIMES

my triumphant Eddy Bauer

these PRETTY BIG logos

are like 3/4"

MAYBE

this is a can't miss thing

ONLINE PRICES

are frequently different

GRANDPA

I have a jacket I bought on eBay

I REALLY like it

I think it's a second it zips the other way

from every other jacket I have

the THINGS is

I like that SO MUCH better

I wouldn't think it would make a difference

NEVER wore a CUP

on third base

YOGI 

I HATE the dh

WILBON is lazy

& should be tested for SANITY

POOH --> GODFATHER

ARI MELBER

TAYLOR SWIFT

is the BEST thing that EVER

happened to football

--WILBON

hall of the VERY GOOD

BASKETBALL

30 & 13

why is this hydration the new HOTNESS

the MONKEY

has a part in the ICE MAN COMETH?

(there's some part of that that I don't get)

NUTS are a trigger food for me

DETROIT

at 1.7 the MAILBAG theme sounds like a HARPSICHORD

PRE-GIAMATTI level merlot sales

CHAUCER

perhaps to say I miss TK

is NOT quite accurate

I don't miss HIM so much as

I miss being a part of the conversation

YOU know what I'm talking about

I haven't been

since ya know

because I was HURT

& it takes up time

& he rubs me the WRONG way

& that's not really the universe I

want to inhabit

BUT

it's really the only way

to watch the whole thing for

something I WANT to watch develop

I assume the FEELING is real

&

I think something IMPORTANT happens

on that show if you know what I mean

ALSO

I was gonna listen to aTK

the NEW one is FINALLY up on audible

I kinda MISS him

I got caught up in the NEW season

of REACHER

which is probably something

you wouldn't EXPECT

BUT

I listened to a couple of the BOOKS

and I saw the MOVIE

DIDN'T like the movie

THIS actor, though IS right

and the FIRST season was

NOT bad

or GOOD with QUALIFIERS

NOT something I would like RECOMMEND

THIS season MIGHT be more watchable

BUT

I'm not REALLY recommending

I JUST really want to say

WHAT I am drawn to ABOUT

REACHER

he WAS some kind of 

military SPECIAL investigator

THEN he quits THAT

and just FLOATS

he goes WHEREVER

WHENEVER

& wherever he goes

it's LIKE a modern day WESTERN

he wanders into town

goes to a THRIFT store

BUYS a new suit of clothes

TROUBLE

finds HIM

& he rights the WRONGS

SOMETIMES 

in a special forces MEETS

VIGILANTE justice way

but still

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

the "yuppie" vet CALLED yesterday

to check in on KITTY

she is doing her thing

WHEELS come OFF the BUS

bedside manner

BUT

then OMG she took the TIME

blah blah blah

it meant a lot

BUT

I still haven't recovered from Wednesday

talking to her DID let me CLARIFY

I thought they gave him the FIRST B12 shot

they had NOT

SO

I did THAT today

I was a LITTLE freaked out about it

BUT

I asked

is there ANYTHING

I could ACCIDENTALLY do

I mean I've watched them GIVE shots

NO

pull up the skin on the scruff of the neck

push the needle IN at forty-five degrees

if it's NOT

coming through the other side

your GOOD to go

I have a WEIRD thing about AIR

in needles

SO I didn't need any prepping for THAT 

I already KNOW my THRESHOLD

is less than ANY professional

because I WATCH them

I had a HARD time

FEELING

whether the tiny needle WAS

REALLY the f*CK in

I did NOT enjoy THAT

BUT

this cat was a ASSHOLE

and NOW

he's my little FLOOFY DANGER

SO

WHATEVER ya know

this WAS the right size 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I FEEL like I've told you

this story BEFORE

&

I DO hate to feel like

I yammering on the SAME story

AGAIN & again

I can't help myself

my father made me a chalkboard

NOT a LITTLE one either

he got some chalkboard PAINT

I'm pretty sure

PRETTY sure

it was GREEN (hah)

like maybe it was THREE feet

by four feet

IDK it was something he BUILT

(it was maybe a little janky

but we built Jason's crib-- I helped

and it was round so you could roll it

instead of having to carry it)*

it has legs

it had a CHALK ledge

I had an IMAGINARY class room

I loved THAT thing

I wish I could REMEMBER what I was teaching

I was in THIRD grade

THAT was when I got the kinda WEAK instructions

I KNEW the CLASS was IMAGINARY

BUT

I was pretty sure I was TALKING to God

on the REGULAR

it was MOSTLY me talking

I ALSO

had this VERY strong like CRAVING

for a TWIN with this weird like

SENSE

that, even though that was IMPOSSIBLE

there WAS one somewhere

YOU are all tied into THAT

I have written you into my MEMORY

I look BACK

& I have filled YOU in there

you were like 16

AND

THEN 

I see myself ACROSS the street

DEBORAH has one friend from her CHILDHOOD

that she kept up with

for a while she lived in a TOWNHOUSE

we when over there to help

PAINT

or something

but I wasn't actually doing THAT

they had a copy of

the GIVING TREE and I read it

& I CRIED

and I have cried pretty much EVERY time

I've thought about the GIVING TREE

since then

I'm NOT crying now, though

SO

MAYBE it's that I think ABOUT it

at TIMES when it will TEND to make me

the friend's husband was a disc jockey

the mighty Quinn--

which CONNECTS to that DYLAN tribute

that is MAYBE my favorite ROAD album**

AND

RECENTLY I watched this YouTube

with this therapist who specializes in

NARCISSISTS talking about

how the giving tree was a HORRIBLE book

should NOT be allowed

because it GLORIFIED a narcissistic relationship

and some nasty shit about shel

BUT

I thought you are MISSING

SO MUCH

I mean I can SEE her point

I'm PRETTY sure

even at eight

the boy AND the tree

the BOY and the tree

the boy and the TREE

AND

the kind of ALLEGORICAL human exploitation

of NATURE

SO

I mean YEAH but

REALLY

AND THIS is the story now

it's WEIRD that it went this way

BUT the thing I am REALLY VIBING on

is this SENSE that I have

that I SAY something

AND

then it turns out to MEAN THINGS

that are ALSO true

BUT

MAYBE I didn't realize that when I SAID it

AND

the TASTE of mountain dew

& I need to look into the JUNG CENTER 

*my point is he was a pretty fair woodworker(ish)

not like carpentry or fine finishing just like nice competent cut and assembly 

**although this is SO tangential & yet there somehow anyway

I can remember

being three or four

and

WATCHING adults eyes

this is how much TIME I have

before they stop listening

I REALLY don't think I was a NORMAL child 

the whatever

SIMPLE explanations for DIFFICULT things

has had some traction

it SEEMS to fit my skill set

AND

different people*

have TAKEN AWAY different messages

AND

I feel like THAT is LIKE a sign

HOWEVER that is 

SO SO SO very preliminary

that it DOESN'T give any help with implementation

BUT

I think that HAS GOT to be

like a CORE concept

AND

though I FEEL like this is not bad forward movement

it just doesn't eliminate MUCH 

*Not a statistically relevant sample set

the children

it's just a REALLY long lead time

the therapist

is REALLY bullish on the LIFE COACH thing

AND

truthfully that MIGHT be the

right DIRECTION for like a first step MAYBE

BUT

I'm not yet CONVINCED

when I think back through my LIFE

I'm not entirely certain that

COMEDIANS haven't been

some of the MOST influential

ALSO

I think SOMETIMES those messages

get THROUGH in a way that others don't

HOWEVER

in a world as self selecting as the current one

I'm not sure that anyone who doesn't

ALREADY think they agree with you

EVER even listens

SO

this has to be something I enjoy

that I have some aptitude

because the ONLY way I succeed

is that it is what I WANT to do

it can't be a "job"

it HAS to be a CALLING

(to be continued)

I FEEL like

I'm getting CLOSE

(although I am unable to further qualify)

to a *

I think I am either WRITING or

SPEAKING

as the primary DELIVERY 

I NEED to NAIL down the MESSAGE**

VISUAL art obviously has SOME roll

BUT

it might be BRAIN exercise

OR

it MIGHT be important

ALL these interactions with PEOPLE

I felt like it was an IMPORTANT step

BUT

there's a way

I feel like

meh

SO

there's a way in which it was a like

PLACEHOLDER

it's training for human interaction

NOT necessarily like

the END GOAL

I think we ALL knew that

BUT

I also THINK

this is a thing I'm INVENTING

I THINK I have to make things BETTER

and I'm NOT sure

I think I have to give a message

and I don't think I can do that with painting

OR

unless I was doing children's books

THAT is still on the TABLE

BUT

(to be continued)

*ALSO unable to further qualify 

**ALTHOUGH that's really more complicated than how that sounds because 1) message like MISSION 2) implementation of MISSION 3) steps, $, blah blah

I slept through my alarm

I tried to resume hhc vaping last night

and my lungs

do not support that decision

I didn't have anything exciting from work

BUT

I will say

EVERYONE I talk to has just had 

or everyone they know

has just had covid

I think it's pretty inevitable

PLEASE manage your health

I think the vaccine is brilliant

AND

I'm super grateful for the ones I've had

BUT

I didn't get the anti virals

I DID do enough of a web search to find out

I could get them at Walgreens clinic

but I needed to show some 

liver and kidney function test

which I didn't have

AND

I could have done an online Dr visit

which might have alleviated that requirement

BUT

at that point I didn't feel

SICK enough that it seemed WORTH the trouble

BEN, however is 94 and not healthy generally

He got sick after I did

he DID get the (plovacid?) 

and he's honestly doing ALMOST

as well as me now

(covid-wise anyway)

SO

consider it

perhaps in a way I did not

AND

about that other thing

I'm not asking

I'm telling

which since you know how

YOU feel

shouldn't be problematical

OR ANYWAY

I didn't THINK it was

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚