baby, it's cold outside

i didn't want to write about work today
there is one more scene that i definitely have to write
but it doesn't really flow from the others
so i have to figure it out as a separate thing

anyway
i haven't done anything productive
i did a peel
i'm doing those every week-and-a-half-ish
to try to keep the dead skin down
and clear my pores and whatnot

mostly
i've been sitting in front of a heater
i have central set on maybe 58 degrees
and then i'm sitting in my chair with heater-fan
i don't like to think how much this will raise my electric
because heat is generally more than air
it's just that who needs it generally
the cat is under the chair in his heated cave


i really want a fireplace
i used to have one at my last place
but i had to leave there because i couldn't afford it anymore
they got bought by a corporation and just kept jacking up the rent
plus i wasn't signing more than a six month lease
because i kept thinking we were gonna happen
so
i priced myself out of it a lot faster
i never even really decorated this one
my masks are all still in boxes
and i've lived here like six years or something
since right before you got married

i guess i'm not in as a good of spirits today
this sounds a little maudlin
i don't really mean for it to sound that way

oh, wait, let's see if i won the lottery
hang on

nope

estimated cash value $278,300,000
that coulda come in handy

the question is
if i won what would i do
i used to buy lottery tickets only on the day of the draw
so i would think about what i would do if i won
for just a few hours
and that was the fun
but then i stopped

but i started saying things like i want to win the lottery
and i was asked
did you buy a ticket
and i'd have to say, no
well you can't win if you don't buy a ticket
and i don't believe i'm gonna win
but they're right
you can't if you don't play
so now i buy them
but super randomly
with quick pick numbers
and
sometimes i don't check them for a couple weeks

but
if i win
i'm calling in rich to work
and probably i'm going to marfa for a month at least
maybe i wouldn't like it there to live there
maybe it's not diverse enough
or maybe i wouldn't like a small town
or maybe it's too hipster
idk
but i could be there for a month for sure
and that would answer those things for me
i've always wanted to live off grid
idk if i could handle that, really
but it's been calling me since i was a teen ager

i've also always wanted to be an ex-pat
where would i like to live
idk
nova scotia, iceland--  those are both cold
australia seems nice, but not a very ex-pat type of place
where would i be a good ex=pat, do you think

also
i really really want to have an ayhuasca ceremony
i really want the vegetal mother to tell me how i've fucked up my life
and how i can fix it
i might live another twenty years
i got time to do some stuff
maybe not much
but
i feel like there might be great things still ahead
if i could just get my act together, somehow

man, i wish i could smoke some dope right now
it's not legal here yet
they have made some steps in that direction
and i mean i guess people get it even when it's not legal
but i don't know anybody
and it's been so long

but
i'm pretty sure
that's what i need
right now

customers have all-of-a-sudden started calling me by my name

which, i mean
i have a name tag on, but still
is unusual enough to be a sign of some sort

my manager had something come up so she wasn't working
so i was working with dennis
there's some display i was supposed to execute
which made no sense
but he was telling me about it

wait, it's on the rounder, i say
i just moved all the stuff from the christmas displays onto the rounders
i don't have any place else to put them

but that doesn't even really look good
can't you just clear it off

look, if you are telling me that's what needs to go there
i will make it happen
i can box it up and put it in the back if i have to

why don't you put those boxed sets here, he says pointing to the
very bottom shelf under seasonal sips
we had previously decided to keep the bottom shelf clear of bottles
and just use dummy boxes or wine racks that read as box-like

yeah, ok, i can do that
if i move stuff around again, i might be able to fit the rest of that stuff in

well, i'm better than i thought i was, i say as i walk into the office a while later
because i fit that all in

i also actually cleaned the rounder
because the "really good" dusting i had given it before i put the christmas stuff on it
had not taken and they seemed revoltingly dirty to me
so they are clean
and the three items that i could find that goon it are set up
although not in the jars they are supposed to be
because we can't find any
the other things are showing in stock
so either that's an error
or more likely--  because i don't remember seeing any of them before
more likely they are still in the pallets waiting to be unpacked

dennis put me on the sweep log for 1pm
but in the spirit of cleaning
which i was actually feeling
and since i was going to lunch at 1pm
i started sweeping at noon
it's supposed to be a 10 minute quick pass through
with the idea being it never gets bad if you do a shitty job three times a day
but it was slow and my back hurt from "team lifting" an emerson shelf alone
so i did a more through job of my department

after lunch i stayed on the register while chanel went to lunch
myrka said she didn't mind staying up there, that she didn't have anything important
but i said, no, my back hurts, and i would just as soon stand in one spot for a while

all during christmas i was straining at the bit to get off register
so i could do my job, only, i'm the only one who seems to care
whether i do my job or not
and today
today i felt like i had done enough

this whole christmas thing reminded me how much i kinda like the register
because what you can do on register is cheer people up
i like that


one woman came through
giant bottle of olive oil, that's all
olive oil, i say
going through the holidays, you can use a lot of oil, she says
yeah, i say, especially if one of the holidays you celebrate happens to be hanukkah
then it's kinda a thing
then you know pretty much what happened
absolutely, i say, and happy new year


karl comes in and he's asking myrka and i if we know the explorer percent signup goal
30% i say without thinking
30%?!  he looks at me incredulously
oh, yeah yeah, right, used to be 30%
they've lowered it, what is it now 15%

14% karl says
the manager is always leaving notes about how we should know what our percent is
although, we can't know unless they look it up and tell us
can you tell me what my percentage is, i ask
karl goes and gets the sheet
he asks me what my number is, he reads across
41% he says somewhat flatly
dennis who has since walked into the room wolf whistles me

karl goes back to myrka
you are only at 4%, you need to fix this or
they will start having performance conversations with you
this is really bad form
as this is kind of a pre-performance conversation and it should not really be happening
in front of other employees
but that just if you care about that kinda stuff
which this company most emphatically does not
just remember dennis chimes in sign up 5 per day
if you can do that you should be fine
this is some number they just pulled out of their ass
it depends entirely on the percentage of the people you ring up who are not already members
5 per day may be safe or it may not

my personal goal with it is a little different
i want everybody to know about the program
and sign up for it if they want to
but, of course, i have a rough number goal too
and that number is 50%

this is basically what i say:
you're a member with us, right?
if they aren't i say, most of the time:
would you like to sign up to get really good coupons through email?  it's free!!!

normally my numbers are between 25%-30%
which is good
i figure i'm a fucking team player
i'm bringin up the group numbers

but, lately
idk
people's responses to me have been
surprising
like, literally, surprising to me
they've started calling me by my name
during christmas several people asked me why the person with the human interaction skills
was at the furthest register
and i feel like several people who were drowning in the holly daze
looked at me like i was the lifeguard coming to save them

sometimes there are a bunch of open cashiers
but they gave us these llama signs to hold up
this register open
and most them
will just stand there holding up the stupid llama sign
and i'm trying to get the poor people's attention
saying something i never ever let anyone say who was working for me

i can help the next person here
waving semi-hysterically

why can't we say that
they used to ask me
it's a straight line, it's right in front of you
you can see who is next
this is not the post office
the polite thing to do is to make eye contact and say
i can help you here
besides, if you leave it up to them who's next
you might get into some sort of social darwinism situation
you gotta be in control


there's more but i might write it tomorrow
need external stimuli

hope you're doing well

it is legit cold here

goodnight sweetheart

meteors

I looked at my phone
it seemed to be saying
tomorrow
meteor hitting the earth


upon closer inspection
it was a thermometer
tomorrow
it will be 24 degrees

anyway

I don't mean that mean
not like I'm trying to get away from you
I just want that for me
and
I haven't figured out how


besides
I've mentioned it before
so
not new
not shocking

for new year

I want six months in the desert


in a trailer
or a shack
or something
I want minimal distraction
I want
to set free
the magical realism
that's always in my brain


how can I make that happen
I can't just move there and get s job
I need to be
free to be
open
and
when I work
I'm closed

i stayed up too late

was hoping for answer
but that's not why I stayed up
to much computer
the cat and I have escalated
he's been cutting me
if I don't get him food fast enough
like I'm on computer
and
since the serrapeptase
nattokinase
and horse chestnut
all thin my blood
sometimes I have a problem
with stopping bleeding
which has also led to me reducing
my dosing of those things
but still
I don't think it's right
and
he shouldn't still be so violent
so
I got a water gun
and
after he cut me up
yesterday
I chased him around and shot him
which he didn't like at all
but
again
tonight
I had to chase him
but
he learned
that he wanted to use evasive tactics
and
maybe
part of why I stayed up so late
was to make him


wait
for dinner
little fucker
I look like a fucking cutter
I've got like 8 cuts in various stages
of healing
but the reason why I finally
squirted him
yesterday
I specifically got up from the computer
to feed him
but since I didn't go to bed
he just came back and cut me
a couple hours later


I miss my little surfer dude cat
this one is very intense
and still
way too violent
in my opinion


good night sweets

good night sweetheart
I love you

front's coming through, i guess

woke up
with a terrible headache
still have it
but
I've had some coffee
I've taken a shower
washed my hair
watched several youtuber's
winter day and night skincare routines
petted the cat
ate oatmeal
not necessarily in that order
gathered some laundry
the amount I'm likely to do today
but
first
I got some errands


I really intended to tell you
some of the weird images
from recent dreams


walking on all fours on the sand


driving a car and when I said I liked it
being told it was an Alfa Romeo


going on some college trip
sleeping in room long beds
with lots of other students
trying to keep straight which
packets of moisturizer were mine


there were lots more
and they're all new symbology
or new variants
not
the kind of stuff I'm used to


don't know what that all means


wish I could laze around with you a little
wish I had a neck and shoulder massage
do you do that?
are you good at it?
I would be the happiest woman alive
right now
if I just had that

i'm not gonna do laundry today either

I'm not gonna do
anything
well, I ate
I took a long long bath
I may mask
it's on the list
but
idk
I'm just feeling
super lazy
I can wear one of those shirts again
not most of em
most of them have already
gone through all the sniff tests
that they'll pass
but
I wore a few shirts
that I wasn't planning to wear to work
and they've only been worn once
and
I have pants
or a skirt
so
I'm golden
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
no work today

good night

hope your day
was great
I'm like
exhausted
I'm going to bed
tomorrow
I'm off
I might sleep in a bit
and
god damn
I gotta do laundry
it is so much
I have no dress code clean shirts
and I'm down to dregs on underwear
which is what I usually do
for happy happy blood time
anyway


I've been thinking
you like cheater eves-dropped
and it makes me think
how can I inject some passers-by
I'm not sure
what it is you like
about my random interactions
lurker variant, maybe
anyway
I'm pondering that
so you know


love you sweets

sorry
had to be here at 6
today
and tomorrow too
I volunteered to work
on Sunday
so family types could do Christmas shit
hope you're good
I think
I'm starting happy happy blood time
and then I have to laugh
at my self
when I say
oh no
because that's such a mess
and I'm so busy
but
ya know
it's always had a sense of humor

i think it must be because something was talkin to me while i snoozed giving me positive thoughts

I hope you're having a great day
I'm actually
in a pretty good mood
although
I can't think why
happy holly daze

I hope you're doin ok
I love you
I'm thinkin about the puppyfish, though
and I'm a little sad

I stayed up too late
I'm gonna be a zombie today
it's gonna be busy
all this means
I'm probably not
saying much today
don't freak out

one thing about being a lurker

sometimes
you find something cool
like
my nephew
I've never met

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

WARRIOR POSE

moving on to other things


before I saw the Mira Sorvino thing
I was going to write this:


I don't understand people
I guess
I was a the register
I was being friendly
this lady was checking out
we had a nice little exchange
while I rung her out
then I said
and you have a happy holiday


do they make you say that, she asked
I mean happy holidays
instead of merry Christmas


no, I say
I say that because
I feel it is more inclusive


well, I don't agree with that


she doesn't agree
that it's more inclusive?


you should say merry Christmas


I probably gave her a look
I've never been very good at that
'you have too expressive a face'
I was told a lot
as a child


if you want to
I think she said this
but it may really just have been
her expression
I couldn't say for certain


anyway, merry Christmas
she says


you have a Merry Christmas
I say
and she adds
or Happy Hanukkah
or whatever


and she kind of rushes away


happy solstice
I mutter under my breath
as she walks toward the door
and I wave the next person over


yes
it's much more efficient
to offend people


that's why I just say have a nice day
myrka tells me later
when I'm complaining
it makes me just want to
say happy kwanza
I reply
but
when is kwanza exactly
I think it's January
so we look it up
no
it's the 26th thru the 1st
every year, I ask
check the google
yes
same every year


but
I'm not actually gonna do that


but
I hate it when people get offended
that you aren't privileging
whatever they believe in
I think it's rude


it's not enough I've had to listen to
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
like four times today
I have to say Merry Christmas
to people it might offend
just so random you
can confirm your rightful place
at the center of the universe
or else
I'm against Christmas

i know you probably want me to talk and i'm feeling pretty non-talkative generally, but i read something that made me mad and i want to tell you about it

i have mixed feeling generally about this metoo stuff

yes
it would be great
if all the sexist problems were solved
but
i see other problems
on the horizon with the way it's all coming down
and
the whole thing makes me uncomfortable personally

but
i read a thing about mira sorvino

and i find myself kind of filled with rage

if a man says
hey baby do x,y,z for me and i'll put you in the picture
well, i mean, that's bad and all
and of course there are circumstances where it might not be
presented in those terms
but
leaving aside those cases for a moment

if a man offers a quid pro quo
and a woman takes it
well, she might have reason to complain
or she might not
there are factors, ya know
in ethics,and equality, and the inequality of life
to get where i think i deserve to be
where my talent should take me
i have to degrade myself

that is a human problem in the broader sense
because people have power
and are fucking assholes and whatnot


but
in her case
it seems verified
that what had certainly seemed like
the first part of a trajectory of a meteoric rise
was cut off
because she refused to have sex
with
what i can only think of the words an odious man
to describe him

she already earned her fame
she was on the way up
she might have wanted to work on his picture
but
it sure wasn't important enough to debase herself
and she said no
and good for her
of course she said no
so the asshole blacklisted her and ruined her career?!

and everyone just went along with that
she's hard to work with story
when there were other people to verify with
what kind of shit is that?!

what kind of town is that place?!

now
i was never really a mira sorvino fan
when she disappeared
i didn't notice
but
i think she should sue him
i think
i think he should have to pay her the hundreds of millions of dollars he probably cost her


i think
there's a lot of gray area
that people want to read as black and white


like, for example
my last boss
one day i was working in the office
and he was in there too
and
all of a sudden i could feel him touching my hair
that was weird
so i said
why are you touching my hair
he stopped
he didn't say anything
it was never mentioned


now
in today's environment
i would be "coming forward" about this
but
there is no need for that
i wasn't harmed
he did something
i didn't exactly tell him to stop
because it didn't even escalate that far

i figured he just wanted to see what my hair felt like

we were on friendly terms
maybe he wanted it to be more friendly
idk
but it was weird

i have touched people
hugged them
or rubbed my hand across their shoulders
and not thought anything about it
just expressing affection for someone i felt affection towards
and if they had asked me to stop
i would have apologized and never done it again



the louis ck thing bothers me
like he asked people if he could masturbate in front of them
i assume they were all women, but i don't know
my understanding was that he just asked them if he could
they weren't involved
he wasn't doing anything to them
and masturbation is essentially a vulnerability there
i would think
and he asked
but they didn't feel safe saying no
and now his career is over
but
that seems like the opposite of h.w.
he didn't understand the power he had over them
he thought he was having a free exchange between equals

or maybe not
,maybe that's all bullshit
it's hard to know how much of what people are saying after the fact is actually bullshit

me
if he had asked me if he could masturbate in front of me
i probably would have said
why?!
before i could stop myself


i don't know why the mira sorvino thing
makes me so angry
but
it does

norman, dark, moon

I dreamed
I was driving around
in the pitch dark
there was a sign
that had a moon
it glowed in the dark
Norman
a guy I went to high school with
was in the car behind me
but we had a com system, somehow
so we could communicate


I can't remember Norman's
last name
or what he did after hs
I remember
he was the cowboy kid
and
that his mother had remarried
and was only allowed to keep him
til he turned 18
then he had to get out
they weren't helping him
with college
or
anything else
and
I judged his mother pretty harshly
for choosing her new husband
over her kid
not
that I ever met her
or
got her side of the story
and
not
that I was besties with Norman
I don't think I've thought about him
unless I've mentioned him before


i don't know what it means
that I'm thinkin about him now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KutqU7y4_ME&sns=tw

well
it's not like
a digging out the car situation
but
there is a fine dusting of white on everything
which
will make the drive to work
more dangerous
but
is kinda pretty

s'posed to snow tomorrow

so now i'm being haunted

I can't remember
this morning
yesterday morning
when I got up
on the shelf beside my bed
where I keep the phone
there was a jade jaguar
all blocky and Mayan looking
that looked up at me
hey mom
you kinda messed me up
but
I'm back
didn't go anywhere else
or
maybe I did and it didn't work out
but
I'm all free to help you with that book
you're always talking about writing
you recognize me, right?
it's the puppyfish

also, i almost forgot

there was another dream
where I called in
on some show
and
talked to a politician
I'm not sure it was
someone
who is a politician in real life
but
in the dream they were
and I was taking them to task
about something
and
then afterwards
everyone was talking about
what amazing stand up
I had done
but
it wasn't intended to be
I was really
just
taking her to task
but
whatever
maybe that's a career path
comedy

good dreams

I had an antique truck
and I went to stay on a farm
the guy that ran it
took one look at my truck
and decided I was the girl of his dreams
which didn't do much for me
because he was kinda like
Joe Rogan and didn't appeal to me
on multiple levels
but
the fact that somebody else
was interested in me
made you
finally
serious
so we were talking
and
then you were on your phone
and somebody came in
and stole your sandwich
so
I made you a grilled cheese
with guacamole
it was huge
and
there was something with wine
I've forgotten

today
would have been
my father's 80th birthday

i dreamed

I went to some sort of party
for your sister
it was a a synagogue
so not like a wild party
I sat with a bunch of Greeks
then
I went to get in a car
to hide from
Debbie Heather
and
it turned out to be her car
but
she didn't talk to me
I just hid my face
and she just pretended she didn't see me
and drove out
but
at some point
she must have dumped me
because I was trying to follow her
trying to get your address
but
I just ended up
at like a high security
parking garage

Thanksgiving Thoughts

i slept in
it's been rough for me lately
i'm trying to get extra sleep
i set an alarm
but
i snoozed a bit
i'm a snoozer
my cat hates it
wtf he says
if you want to get up then get up
otherwise, why disrupt my sleep
he's a morning person

so
i got up
and checked my phone
and had thoughts
i have to admit
since i checked my phone first
one of my first thoughts was
jeez 10 emails?
i thought everyone had already sent me
3 black friday emails
i already did my holiday shopping
i can't afford the skin care stuff i want from mahalo
ya'll should just crank it back a notch

but
i did move on from there

maybe, i thought
maybe my problem
maybe my problem is
that i've never really been grateful for my life

i was obviously interested enough
in checking out of it
that my father talked to me about it at age 7
and at one point i thought
no that was just some free associated riff
based on whatever he was into at that point
but no
when i compared notes
my brother an i got completely different talks
and they were preciently useful
so
either the guides were giving him pointers
or he knew that
for me
this life was not worth the trouble


so
there's a way in which
it's like an apartment that isn't worth decorating
because it's just rented, ya know
how long ya gonna really be there

also an element
of running out the clock

and
those elements
they don't contribute anything useful
they're better off discarded


the fortune teller got it wrong
i'm not gonna have a kid who's a scientist
get involved in his work
and that's gonna make me live longer

i'm not gonna have a kid

but
i stopped smoking so i could have a kid with you
and got involved with your work
and those things
probably
will make me live longer than i would have done

and
rather than thinking wistfully about how i should have kept smoking
how useless the extra time is
and at the end when everything is so much crappier
no kid, probably dying alone

how much extra time i think

50 cigarettes a day
supposedly 17 minutes less per cigarette
i used to think that as i'd smoke em
times 9 years
50 x 365 x 9 x 17 = 2,792,250
2,792,250 minutes longer
this is where i get a little fuzzy
17 / 60 = 0.283333333333333333
2,792,250 x 0.283 = 790,206.75
is that right
i had a lot of trouble deciding if it should be
multiplication or division
but hours has to be less that minutes
so i think it has to be multiplication
but
i could be wrong about it
so
790,206.75 / 24 = 32,925.28
32,925.28 / 365 = 90.206
so
wait
i've added 90 years to my life
by quitting smoking to have a baby with you
there weren't 90 years ever to begin with

the whole 17 minute thing has got to be a propagandistic lie to begin with
but
did i do the math right?

i've got like a whole-nother life

maybe
maybe i can
maybe i can be grateful
for
for this
for this one

i went to dinner with my mom last night

Shirley was there too
obvi
because she can't be left alone
the guy came around to refill our tea
and my mom turns to her
hand me your glass
she literally handed her
by turns
every piece of silverware
and then started on the condiment caddy
she didn't know which thing
on the table
was a glass
I am VERY
VERY
afraid now
I told my mom
after we had her in the car
you better be taking
like every anti dementia supplement
you can get your hands on
she's like
yes
and
I don't want to be like that
so you have to
take me somewhere
where its legal
and have them kill me


good times

idk if this will be a tiny text or not, it needs context so i'm casting a wider net-- this is prework

[in progress]


we were a drinking family.

so many dreams, but i don't remember much

fragments, really
in one
there was some
contest, race I think
and I know I had to keep
making body postures
and that somehow
created bones
or something
somehow
representing meals
it was weird


there was lots of random stuff
the park I went to as a child


and then
there was my father
he was younger
maybe my age
and my brother was also younger
and
I'm not sure if I was or not
I was twenty when my dad was my age
he was born in 37
I was born in 67
we were sitting in front of a fireplace
I don't think
anywhere we ever actually lived
although
I only lived with my father
until I was ten
I'm not sure what was going on
but
he seemed happy
he wanted me to take his picture
which I did
and when I looked at it later
it was blurry
and
although I'm sure he had been
facing me and smiling
the picture showed
him turned away
and barely distinguishable
like
he could have been anybody


but
I was trying to remember
a story I wanted to tell you
and what comes to mind
after this dream
is the
are you sure you're ok story
which i may have told you
but I don't think so

so anyway

I feel better
I hope that lasts

i dreamed i was a super hero

and
I could fly
but
I didn't do it much
because
I could also teleport
and
I was trying to
get to see a match
with this supposed to be really cute
but also really bad-ass
Korean super hero girl
they had stuff set up
kinda like Luchedores


and her name
and costume
were
fluorescent green


I was trying to figure out
if I had enough money
to date her


it was weird

bells bells bells bells

I dreamed
I guess a bunch of stuff
but
what I remember
I was walking somewhere
I was happy and free
and in special clothes
with a bracelet of bells
jingling as I walked
and then
a came to a doorway
and as soon as I got to it
the door was slammed shut
and
I realized it was Debbie Heather
and that this has happened
again and again
and how
how did this keep happening
and I realized
it was because
the bells
let everyone know where I was
belled

goodnight baby

i can feel you out there

usually I can't
but
today I do
it's making work
interesting

hi

I did a facial peel last night
and
also
I was running late
this morning
so
I look a little rough
so
no morning picture
but
love you

goodnight sweetheart

i went to see blade runner 2049 tonight

I couldn't do it the other day
it
was
like
poetry


very beautiful
I highly recommend it
I was worried that they'd
fuck it up
but
they didn't

i love you

wow

that last play
made me wish I was still
an Astros fan
and that I had been following them
that I knew who they are
instead
of them being dead to me
and i got no idea
cause
that last play
was awesome


I'm watching at sushi choo choo

the guys building the new shelves fucked up

my supervisor
he's saying
it doesn't fit
we're just gonna have to build it like this
and then
come back and do the whole thing over another night
I'm like
it only took you an hour to build that
why don't you just fix it
it will take me at least 2 hours
to put the wine back on it
I don't want to do that just to have to take it all off again
plus Susan wont like it
yeah, he says
but corporate sent the wrong hardware
it's not my fault
do we have the right hardware
turns out we do
so now it's rebuilt and
we just have to put in shelves
and then I have to put wine back on it
sheesh
no wonder Susan and Dennis dont trust him

well

we have everything off the wall
and the fixtures off
much faster than I thought

i can't sleep any more

I have always been a night person
I did not think staying up
till 5am
was going to be a challenge
often
I can't make myself go to bed
before 3am
so that I only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep
and then have the same problem
the next night


lately, though
I've been extra tired
I've gone to bed maybe three times
in recent memory
at 9:30p
which I used to do when I got up at 3a


now
to sleep 15 hours
is something I'm totally
or I used to be
capable of doing
like
catching up


but
today
I couldn't stay up past 12:45a
then I got up to feed the cat
and pee and such
went back to bed
and
I can't sleep any more
and I've been in the bed
stretching out my back
for like an hour


I have to go to work
and 9pm
and work until at least 5am
but possibly 9am
if we aren't finished
we have to tear out fixturing
and rebuild the wall
this is not something
I am particularly good at
but
I'm required to be there
and it will be WORK
I really wanted
to be doing this
rested
it'd be different
if it was something creative


anyway
I hope everything is good with you
I'm all shifted around
and feeling weird
I probably should wait
till 6 or 7 to have coffee
but
I'm probably not
going to wait


I love you

I need to stay up
but I'm way too tired
I'm going to bed
I need to sleep until
at least 5pm
but I'm sure I can't


i love you

i also had work dreams

I've been having
a lot
of Starbucks like dreams
oh
and I think I was taking a test too
sheesh
so much stress


but
on a more positive note
I've been watching
a series
I think is one of the best things
I've seen on television
really good
it's called TURN
I think you'd like it


I have to work an overnight
on Thursday
and I have to work Wednesday
but
then I'm off Friday
I think I'm gonna go see
blade runner
I've been looking forward to that
for a long time


I hope your day is good

when i was in college

I had a conversation with my step-father
about flag burning
and
he said
you have the right to burn the flag
if you douse yourself in gasoline
with the flag wrapped around you
and then set yourself on fire
and I answered him
so
the symbol itself
is more important
than everything it represents?


and years later
he recalled the conversation
for some reason
talking about my politics
I think
and
I said
I remember that conversation
very well
it was the day
you told me
a piece of cloth
was worth more than my life


I made him cry

good morning

I love you

dude, i live in an open carry state

although
i never see anyone with a gun
but
i don't get around much

i went to the bank
and they had this sign on the door
you can't bring a bladed weapon over 5.5 inches onto these premises

i went in
i said
i saw the sign on the door
and i was wondering if we could change that to any weapon
because
even if we are talking knives
five and a half inches is plenty big enough to kill me

and they're like
that's to do with the new law

yeah, i say, i figured
the one where we can carry swords

that's right, they say, that's the one

right
well
that doesn't make any sense to me
who is lobbying to carry swords
why does anyone even think they need to carry a sword

but
regardless
couldn't the sign say NO weapons

but they just mumbled
about new signage coming
temporary sign
the bank
will remain
a free range zone
for guns and all bladed weapons
as long as they are under five and a half inches

this makes less sense to me
than the fact that i can now legally walk around
like a character in kill bill

ok, look

I can't handle the extra stress
of metaphor
I love you
I'm a little upset
I'm not feeling talkative
but
yes
to the thing you might be wondering
if
you are wondering
what I think you are
wondering
which
might not be what
you're wondering
in which case
no
hope that clears everything up
see
I'm a girl
afterall

i'm not much of a morning person

I tend to wander around
in a fog
for quite a while
but
I wish
today
I could stay in bed with you
drinking coffee
listening to music
or something
easing into the day


I love you sweetheart

i wish

you and I
were
somewhere cozy
under covers, maybe
somewhere with a chill in the air


I'm not even thinking
particularly
about
ya know
but
about
nearness
and
touching
and full body hugs

very strange things

last night
it was like I was being abducted by space aliens
I was trying to research fermented skin care
so I was watching YouTube
and
I kept nodding off I guess
but
I didn't have any awareness
of the nodding off
just
losing time
I'd be watching a vid on serums
and I have the AutoPlay enabled
so I'd wake up to eye creams
but not realized I'd been asleep
it was very disorienting


then I dreamed
this giant map
that had many small salient facts
from the life of my grand parents
with some heritage society type
explaining it all to me


and then
I dreamed about the freeway
I haven't dreamed about the freeway
for idk how long
there was a new on ramp
which was going to make
everything better
but
as I reached the top
I wasn't sure
whether to go left or right
and it was so high up
I clung to the freeway
feeling like i might fall away
to the left
there was a multi car pile-up
to the right
it stretched out
forever
without any exit in sight
and
I panicked
that is not
an experience
I usually have on the freeway

i had forgotten, but i remembered

last night
or this morning more likely
i dreamed
i was working for starbucks
and they were redoing all the stores
to look like mid-century modern ski chalets
with wooded outdoor seating in the back
and the one i was at
we were doing up the back
with christmas trees
and fake snow
that was kinda like fluffy glitter
and
we made a snow road
up the middle
and someone
was riding a motorcycle
down the middle of the glittery snow road
why
i don't know


i sleep late
i stay up late
i can't seem to help myself
i really wanna be a night person
headache all day
plus
thinkin about the hurricanes
global warming doesn't cause them
but it does make them worse
so
hurricanes
and forest fires
and earthquakes
and asteroids
it's a good thing i am not the type to obsess about disaster

goodnight sweetheart
or
probably
good morning when you read this
i gotta go sleep fast
gotta be up in four hours

goodnight sweetheart

I fell asleep
kinda slumped over in my chair
gotta go to bed

i don't think you have access to bluebell ice cream

however
if you are ever anywhere
where they do sell it
banana pudding
is really really good


I did not have high hopes
but
I was curious
I don't like fake banana flavour
as a rule
and
I don't know if it was just fresh bananas
or what
but
yum

goodnight sweetheart

I'm going to bed
I love you

i worked yesterday

changing prices
for the new promo set
so I'm off today
but I stayed up super late
and then had no particular reason
to get up
with headache
and
my whole body still aches
I assume from the stress
and immobility
of the whole crisis
and then
I went back
and didn't stretch first
and had really bad
muscle cramping
for two days
I was doing a lot of bending
and toting
for the promo change
which Sunday got me over
but
still ache
seemed like I almost
couldn't move
yesterday
I woke up
and said
wow, I don't want to jinx it
but
I almost feel good
because
I could stretch
wasn't rigid


but
today
I was lying in the bed
with the fan blowing on me
and it was so comfortable
I said
what do I really need to get up for 

hurricanes wander

i was going to start with hurricane rita
but
that doesn't zoom out far enough

hurricanes
are major weather events
not unlike tornadoes
but the time scope is different

the secret is
that it is different
but
maybe not as different as it should be
more on that, later

if you live in the third coast area
you know about hurricanes
from a little kid
every year
you get the tracking charts
which are probably just on computer now
but when i was a kid
they were on the paper grocery bags
ya buyin food?
you have the hurricane scorecard

because these things happen all the time
in hurricane season
and ya gotta watch em
but ya can't get too stressed about em
because they usually don't happen

so
you're tracking
danger is immanent
again and again
until you learn
back brain awareness
front brain nonchalance

i have hurricane supplies
i check and update at the beginning of hurricane season
so
then all i need is water
and i have containers i can fill
i might go to the store to pick something up
but i don't ever really really need to
understand?!
i am prepared

now
i'm not prepared to evacuate
more on that, later


so
the hurricane wanders
you don't know where they are going to go
you have predicted pathways
but
that doesn't mean shit

the rule is that you evaculate if it's comin right at ya
but
that doesn't even always mean shit
because why
because hurricanes wander
for example, rita
it was supposed to be comin right at us
and they called for an evacuation
because they were gunshy from katrina
we are like seventy miles from the coast
it's never comin right at us

that's the major reason i never moved to galveston
those people get wiped off the map
well, not galveston
they learned from the 1900 storm and built up
but
a little town without a giant seawall
they get wiped off the map

by the time a hurricane has traveled seventy miles
over land
it's calmed down a little
they'll be damage
but
it's more like rippin your roof off
that razing the house

but
i was talkin about rita
i couldn't evaculate
i had to work late getting everyone else out
and besides i didn't have a place to go
and blah blah
i never really considered it
(see above)
so i parked my car several floors up
in the evacuation abandoned
covered parking garage
across the street
from my apartment
which had an underground parking lot
i taped the windows
i tried to keep in touch with all my people

they got in their cars
they tried to leave
they all got stranded on the highway
out of gas
sitting out
exposed
unsafe
more than a hundred deaths
from the evacuation

the hurricane
it wandered
it veered off and hit port arthur
who wasn't expecting it
and many people suffered

for me
nothing much happened
for all my people who tried to evacuate
a nightmare of semi-epic proportions


hurricane harvey
he was a little bit of unstable tropical depression
he went over the yucatan peninsula
losing form
then
he entered the gulf
reforming
after a little while
he was a full-fledged tropical storm
and they weren't sure if he was going to be
anything more than that
but then
he powered up
that was when i got a little concerned
it was too fast

every time you checked
they had some new
totally wack scenario for where he was headed
because
say it with me
hurricanes wander

so
when he finally hit land
it was rockport almost 200 miles away
and then it traveled north
the hurricane never hit us
we were on the dirty side of the storm
and it was a big storm
and it barely moved
so the bands just kept pulling up moisture from the gulf
and dumping rain

it was downgraded to a tropical storm
and it wandered
we got a lot of rain

it was scary
it was dangerous
it was like alison on steroids
for days

i've had a couple moments

in dreams
that I thought were you


I had
a couple days ago
this very involved dream
and then
like inserted in
there was this Mexican street scene
I was watching from the balcony
and
this horse walked up to me
he was walking on the street
but
his head and neck
just came over the railing
and not like he was giant
just
some sort of dream physics
and then
as he was walking away
obviously
it was people in a horse suit


the other
was last night
it was two little girls
with this dainty
cupcake
with candy on top
sitting across the table from one another
but
like
at a coffee height table
and
what the one
was saying
to the other
was
I adore you

i'm listening to the superintendent of schools

and again
i'm being impressed
it turns out he comes from san francisco
@hisd_supe
they are going to the shelters
making plans to get those kids to their regular schools
so they will be in a known environment
ok time for school
they are planning for programs
and counselors
for students
and teachers

i don't have a kid
i'm not usually paying attention to stuff like
superintendent of schools
but he's fairly new

i feel
something i don't usually feel

i feel like competent people are running stuff
like
they got this
and it's all gonna be ok

now
maybe not
but
that's how i feel

i am wondering if i need to go into the evacuation explanation

there seem to be a lot of people from other places
who are voicing
wtf is wrong with these people
why didn't they just bug out


i don't really want to explain it
but
if you don't understand
if you are thinking that the mayor
with whom i am incredibly impressed
if you're thinking he did wrong
to tell us not to evacuate

then i will explain it

oh
and speaking of mayors
our last mayor was an excellent public servant
she was in the gpc (gay political caucus)
{cause it used to be the one letter}
when i was i college
and i was impressed with her then

why is ann c. such a cunt
every time i have any awareness of her
that's all i can think
my god that woman is such a cunt

i didn't actually get to see the sun

but
i did see light
and a blue sky
and tonight
cicadas

you've no idea

no work again tomorrow
and metro is still shut down

but
my legs are not lookin so good
from all the lack of movement
and
perhaps i've been eating more salt as well
but i've been sleeping erratically
and
probably missing doses
but whatever
i'm a little worse for wear

so
tomorrow
i'm going for a walk
i'm not sure how far i'm going
it feels a little weird to go outside

i'm not going to the grocery store
at least i don't think i am
i think that's too crazy still
i was planning to walk to the convenience store
i'm low on half and half for coffee
which they will not have
that's really the only supply i'm low on
but they might have milk, which will work fine
plus
they might have donuts
or cheetos
i'm craving those pretty hard

that's not much of a walk

so i'm trying to think what else to do
i could survey the neighborhood for damage
i could look for and open coffee shop
i don't want to drive anywhere

i'm not going to a shelter to volunteer
i kind of want to
but
i'm not going to
i'm going to focus on getting back to normal

thursday
i told dennis i'd work 10a-4p
and i told my mother i'd go to dinner with her

i think the rain has stopped

i'm going to sleep
i feel more confident that i'm safe
than i have
at any point

no
it's still raining
just lightly

5"-10" more tomorrow
or, really
today

it's tuesday, right?

fuck
thunder, harder rain

whatever
still going to sleep

they're closing some of the refineries

you might want to
fill up all your cars
gas prices may rise
maybe it'll just be local
but I doubt it
20% rise
it just said on the news

i've been up a little while

my work is closed again tomorrow
which is good
turns out they didn't open saturday
i didn't need to feel guilty all day

it's constant rain
but
not hard
i think for me the worst is over

people who live by the trinity or brazos river
however
are being evacuated
as they are expected to rise to the 800 year flood level
and the safeties are only for the 100 year flood level
buffalo bayou has receded a little
and they are releasing from barker and addicks reservoirs
gradually
but with all that and drainage from the north and west
they expect buffalo bayou to rise eleven more feet
if i understood correctly
beyond the five feet over the 100 year flood level

so i guess
flooding is still a possibility

they are evacuating the subdivisions around those reservoirs
kinda a mess

my mom's power is back on
stillno water in her house
and brays is draining nicely
the boat evacuations near her have stopped
for the time being
because it's not deep enough for boats
but still too high for cars

i wish i'd bought junk food
i want chips
i want brownies
i want popcorn
i don't want healthy shit
well
i want that
and a big fucking bag of weed

anyway
i had toast
and coffee

i'm barely certain what day it is anymore
has it really only been a couple days?!

my phone alarm just told me
flash flood extended til 7pm
they've just been extending it since friday

several of my friends on social media have posted this
i've never seen it before
i'm not sure about the praying for part
which is sort of integral to the poem
but it captures something
very houstonian
which you might or might not appreciate
but i did
so
i'm sharing it:

• Houston pride - forever. by Jeremy Rutledge:
  if you want
  to pray for Houston
  you have to pray...
  in her way
  

  pray like Beyoncé
  when she was
  at HSPVA
  or Billy and Dusty
  shooting pool
  at Rudyard's
  pray like you're
  sitting over soup
  at Spanish Flowers
  or pho at Mai's
  steaming your glasses
  pray like the kids
  playing soccer
  on the east side
  or mutton busting
  at the livestock show
  pray like the runners
  in Memorial Park
  lacing them up
  or the researchers
  in the medical center
  looking into microscopes
  if you want
  to pray for Houston
  you have to pray
  as quietly as
  the Rothko Chapel
  or Houston Zen Center
  and you have to pray
  as loudly as
  the old scoreboard
  at the Astrodome
  after a José Cruz
  home run
  you have to pray
  sitting under
  a live oak tree
  or standing next to
  an azalea bloom
  while your skin
  clams in the heat
  if you want to pray
  for Houston
  you have to pray
  without pretense
  this ain't Dallas
  and in a neighborly way
  as friends come out
  to check on each other
  in the rain
  and those
  who are far away
  watch screens
  and wipe our eyes
  if you want to pray
  for Houston
  raise a bottle of Shiner
  to the gray sky
  9 trillion gallons of rain
  are no match
  for a city of such life
  and diversity
  you can fill up our bayou
  but you will never rain
  on our parade

ok, intermittant rain

no flooding
street has drained off
everything seems to be ok
they are predicting rain all day
but not super hard rain
hopefully everything is ok
I need to sleep


my head hurts so bad
I am exhausted
and
like worn out


when I was asleep before
I dreamed about
this Christmas blanket

ok, i'm up

there was more rain
i should have gotten up earlier
the street is flooded again

but
the army corp of engineers
has to release 4400 cubic feet of water
from the addicks and barker reservoirs
into buffalo bayou
to release pressure
so
they don't
ya know, like
burst

that's about 33,000 gallons

i looked it up

my street is full
but not like up to my door

33,000 gallons
it's a lot
but
like for perspective
it's less volume than the tank at aquarium

and i don't know if it will be evenly distributed or not
probably not
but
if it all comes out at voss and san felipe
where the bayou is crested a few blocks from me
i don't believe that will be more water than i can deal with

now
if that happens
and
we get more heavy rain
i might flood
which would be bad
but
not life threatening

so
i guess
still safe
although
i don't feel as positive as i probably should

a large influx of dry air
seems to be slowing the rain
I'm gonna take a nap
so I can be up later
when it might rain harder

well, it's good that my mom isn't watching the news

that bayou a few blocks from me
has made news
roughly equivalent to what i saw earlier
near my mom

it's overflowed
people's houses are flooded

it's so close

it's draining off
but
slow

they've been saying all day
if you have a boat
get out and rescue people
if you don't
stay put

if the water is rising in your house
don't stay in the attic
get on the roof

it's gonna be a long couple days

my mom's ok

she lost power a couple hours ago
her neighborhood's ok
there are people on their rooves
being evacuated
on the news
just a few blocks over
which
is worrisome
but consistent with alison


water is not draining very quickly
more is coming
it needs to go down before more comes


her neighbors were driving around
so there can't be too much water
in her neighborhood now
but they couldn't get out
of the neighborhood


the girl who was on the roof
is being interviewed
she's like so cute
she's trying to make sure they check
other houses
because there are a bunch of
"old Jews" in the neighborhood
it's right by an orthodox synagogue
I'm pretty sure that she's Jewish
but not orthodox
and
I somehow
her mixed care and irritation for them
is visible in her voice
that was
a human moment
and she's such a
I started to say teen ager
but
she's probably early twenties

corrections

buffalo bayou
brays (braes) bayou
auto correct changed braes to brass
in the earlier post
and
my mom has water
and a case of wine
and probably some food
as supplies
I checked
but
water hasn't gotten into her house
the other time the brays bayou flooded
I didn't encourage her to buy wine
but she's my designated shopper
so she gets my discount
so
she buys cases of wine


oh
and
the red cross has opened the first shelter
and some independent shelters
are opening as well

crap crap crap

ok
that is buffalo bayou
a part of it
which is what I was afraid of
the water has to drain into the bayou
so
if it's full
like, no drainage
but
it's gonna rain all night


oh
and braes bayou
is apparently spelled brays
according to Wikipedia
could be
everything else in the area
with braes in the name
of whit there is a shit ton
is spelled braes
but
I've only heard brays said
don't think I ever read it


first flooding death reported
she was swept away
and neighbors found her
floating down the street
face down
water was chest high there at that point


I should stop
watching weatherpocalypse
but
I can't

it's drained off

and it's starting again
bayous pretty much all cresting
buffalo bayou and
cyress creek
are at record cresting heights
which, honestly
idk what that means
isn't the top
the top
but
I forgot
there's a bayou near me
it's not one I ever really knew about
I completely forgot
but
idk what it's called
so
I can't really monitor it
😢
it's gonna be a long few days
it's downgraded to tropical storm
but
it's stalled like Alison
and
covering the area
from the coast
to Austin
and west to about san Antonio
a jillion tornadoes
in the outlying burbs


my mom is close to braes bayou
but
it always floods
and
she hasn't
gotten water in her house
it's too late
I don't want to call her
in case she's asleep
I can't get to her
or do anything
so
I'm not sure
whether I'm getting
much sleep tonight

the storm is coming

it's raining
not too hard yet
but the thunder
rolls

i'm going to bed early

I'm exhausted
I'm probably going to work in the morning
but
I'm not risking driving
can't replace car
so
probably taking bus
we'll see
if it's already flooded in the morning
then I'm calling out
but
I don't think it will be


good night sweetheart
I love you

i have supplies laid in

I think I'm ok to go to work today
although
really bad weather headache
tomorrow, I'm not sure
I think flooding is the worst we'll get
but
you never know
if something happens
that knocks out power
or cell phones
don't freak out
I'm probably fine
I love you

i can't deal with the way i look for a picture

but
I love you
have a great day
I'll check in later

words and objects

so
a couple weeks ago i took my car in
and i was going to get it inspected at that same time
only i need the speedometer and odometer to be working
which they do intermittantly
but
which they were not doing that day
now
you can do it like 90 days out
with this whole new one tag thing
which might not be in all states, not sure
but
i don't think it was just a corroded cable/channel/whatever-you-call-it
because it has done that not starting thing a couple more times
so
i think something is failing intermittantly
and eventually it will just fail
non-intermittantly
but
i wanted to go ahead and pass inspection
because i don't want to spend the money to make repairs
and then have it not pass
i wanted to make sure
i'd be able to drive it at least a year
before i ended up buying a new starter
(which is what i think it is)
now
when you have an old car
there always seem to be things that need fixing
when you get an inspection
which always seemed to me to be a little bit fix and a little bit graft

so
this morning
i'm praying
please let my car start
please let the speedometer and odometer work
please let the whole experience be inexpensive and uneventful
i would really appreciate it
so
it started right up, yay
the odometer was working right off, yay
but
the speedometer was not working, crap
it is almost always working when i leave work
i think it has something to do with baking in the heat
but then it's so hot
and i'm so tired
and it's close to their closing time
and i figure that's suboptimal
i figure i'll just drive it around a little and warm it up
so i go around the block a few time
and it starts working
yay

i take it in
they say oh, what year is it
95
oh we have to use the whatever-it's-called machine
it'll take an hour
that's fine i say
not every shop has a whatever-it's-called machine
that was how i found this place, they had one
but
if it's an hour, or three hours
i'm not walking the mile back home in the heat
forget that crap
the guy takes my proof of insurance
(which ends in two days, so i brought the next one
because i'm not sure how that all works
and i'd hate to have to go home to get it
but i really shouldn't need it
and it turns out i don't)
and i give him my keys

like thirty forty minutes later
he comes in
looking very serious
like he's about to tell me the operation didn't go well
and i'm thinking
shit
the breaks are a little soft
just a little, not bad, shouldn't need new pads just yet
but maybe they're gonna tell me i need em
maybe somethin else is bad that i haven't noticed
what is it, how bad is it

so he looks at me
with like the world most serious look, seriously
and he's like
your wiper blades
they must be replaced
they are dry and cracked
(which they are, they totally are
they work fine, but whatever, seriously)
do you have those, i ask
yes
ok, i say, let's do that

that was it
and i don't think they charged me any more than
if i went to an auto supply either

i'm so so happy
now i just have to keep up with the piece of paper until october first
when i can take it to the grocery with the renewal
(which hasn't come yet)
and get the new tag
yay


also
regarding
topics of race and prejudice
i used to work with this woman
who i really didn't like
she was from south carolina originally, i think
by way of georgia
this was a few years ago
she was defending paula dean
saying that no one gets to be that age without saying the N word
now, i'm not sure how old paula dean is
but i was thinking she's like my age-ish
and i'm all like
that's not true
i've never said the N word
and she's like
oh come on, you must have

and i'm like no
when i was in high school my best friend was black
and she was like N this and N that and N please
like constantly
and i said
now
you know it's all fun and games until you desensitize me to that word
and then one day it comes out of my mouth
and you don't like it
so, please
could you not use it around me
and
she thought that made good sense
so she tried

but
now i think back on it
i might be the only little white girl
askin her black friend not to use the N word

my thoughts

why am i getting pictures in my head of the autobahn?

why is he using infrastructure as a redirect?  has he not watched how redirect is done?

why does every expect that he will seriously denounce the alt right when they are his base?

does he live in the same dimension as the rest of the country?  i mean, clearly he's pretty clueless about a lot of stuff, like that all non-whites do not live in the inner-cities, and like how retail is dying, and jobs don't eliminate race issues of any kind and there are more than one kind.


however, it could be a natural progression in this country to take down statues of slave-holding founding fathers.  he says it like:  well, if you take down a statue of robert e. lee or stonewall jackson then the next step is washington-- which is an inflammatory over-simplification--  but it's not completely wrong.


this country was founded, or more accurately, our foundational governmental structure was founded in a racist compromise.  the southern states wanted representation which would put them on a more even footing with the more densely populated north and they hammered out that 3/5ths of a person deal.  now remember that only property holders could vote at all--  we weren't talking about voting or rights--  this was a population thing.  so slaves, who were classified as property, not people, could count as 3/5ths a population unit each.

the founding fathers were flawed.  some of them were slave owners.  we've talked about this.  but what needs to happen, i guess is some big cracking the past wide open thing.  i mean, michelle obama talked about how hard it was to think about this stuff, living in the white house.

i had hoped, since we've had a generation of kid's growing up where the majority of their idols are african american-- i grew up saying black, talking to my black friends saying black and i feel self-conscious and just weird saying african american;  it's is political correctness, to which i am not opposed, but it feels contrived--  that the zeitgeist would have changed more.



that he doesn't seem to see that bringing the country together is in his job description is sad, but hardly startling.  but even if he tried, i do not believe he has the skill set.  he could try though, and he should.

i don't know why police violence against african americans broke through to media attention during obama's watch.  i don't know if the violence got worse through some sort of game theory equilibrium, or backlash, or whether white america was just having a moment where they could hear it.  i mean, maybe the people just said black lives matter enough louder, ya know.  i'm never sure of the reason that things coming to the surface when they do.  i'm just sad that there still has to be argument about it.

i have a facebook friend (who i work with, so i actually know her)  every time someone would say something about black lives matter she would say:  no, all lives matter.  and they would try to explain to her:  yeah yeah, right, but the point is that there are all these things happening and we need to like actually stand up and say black lives matter.  and her response was that it is racist to say black lives matter--  against non-black people presumably.  and i always try to see other people's point of view--  like to a fault, apparently, because i'm thinking about the commercials in the 70s saying so and so says i'm prejudiced daddy, oh really and who is so and so, oh he's my jewish friend, oh well then timmy you are prejudiced.  like any differentiation means prejudice, well, no, that's not what that means at all, but that's where my mind goes trying to make a case for her until i just say NO to myself.  she is either too ignorant to be redeemed, or she is a racist.

and that's where you have to go with him too.  do i think he's a white supremacist?  no, i don't.  do i think he would support or look the other way if it suited his causes?  yes, yes i do.  fundamentally he doesn't think black lives matter.  but i don't think he thinks much more about anyone, except himself.

he is out of touch in the extreme.

he has such wildly inflated beliefs about his own value and abilities that he might block out the sun with his swollen orange head.

he can dish it out,  but he can't even marginally take it.

and he just seems petty and stupid.

it's a pretty low point for the presidency--  enough to make you reconsider nixon.

i find it all extremely depressing.

i am not sure how i got myself on this topic

i was thinking about the windup bird chronicle
thinking i might read it again
so
somehow that led me to youtube
i watch way too much youtube
i really like it
anyway

apparently
the consensus
kafka on the shore is very "magic realism"y
which i wouldn't disagree exactly
but
i mean
i identified with those characters
and some reviewers were making it sound like
it was probably too weird for most people
and that's probably not wrong
but
i didn't like the way it felt
which surprised me a little

then
she was recommending norwegian wood
as being most accessible
and
i know this may make you mad at me
but
i just couldn't get into that book
i was listening to it too
which makes it easier
but
it didn't

someday
i'll read it
but i haven't

but
my feeling is that windup bird
is on the short list of my favorite books

i know i have a paperback copy
but i was thinking that i might not have read it
i might have only listened to it

but
when i looked it up
the audio book has only been out four years or so
so i must have read it first

that made me happy

anyway
the people reviewing it on youtube have a new edition
and i am extremely attracted to the cover
so i ordered another copy
it was on sale for ten bucks on amazon
i almost bought one for my mother too
maybe she'd understand me better if she read something
that i really love
but
then this review made me think maybe not

this is not the cover i'm talking about, by the way

this is the cover i'm attracted to

i can't imagine that my mother wouldn't feel like this about it

but

this solidified my desire to read it again

because

i found it to be mesmerizingly beautiful

and

somehow

more about everything than nothing

now the scene with the stone in the shrine

i'm pretty sure that's in kafka on the shore

and i love that

and some of the themes in windup bird are uncomfortable

but

it's the one of the two books i like better

i once gave my younger younger brother a children's book

i think it was called the bridge

it was by kafka

it looked like magritte, the illustrations

but i don't think it was

this man

he's standing on the edge of an abyss

and he just stretches himself out and becomes a bridge across

i think i may have given jason one too

i was pretty impressed with it

john was maybe eightish or so

i was workin at the book store

he read it

he looks up at me

he says

i don't get it

jason and i both look at him and say

like in unison

what's to get

and

i guess

you could make a big thing about it being a metaphor

but

i don't guess my mind needs that step

like black swan

there are all these youtube videos:

what phychological condition does she have

and it's like

no

you're missing the point

it's about embodiment

maybe i just read alice in wonderland and through the looking glass

too many times

at a formative age

maybe

maybe i'm not quite right in the head

i've never really connected with seinfeld or curb your enthusiasm

they are about nothing

in a kind of genius way

but

i find the characters kind of unpleasant

which doesn't always put me off

but

in those cases, yes

which again

might make you mad at me

but i just don't really like either of those shows that much

i mean

i've watched a bunch of seinfeld

i love the kramer character

but i already loved him from fridays

i guess that's the actor, not the character, but whatever

and i love george

but that's really more jason alexander's interpretation of him i think

but

the situations they get into

i think what's supposed to make them work for you

is that they seem like "everyday" situations

and they don't to me

i don't relate

so

i can see it's genius and all

but it doesn't work for me

windup bird though

does

so

maybe there's something wrong with me

thought you should know

goodnight sweetheart

was running late this morning

can't take a pretty picture though
good morning
hope
you have a swell day
😊🌺👙📻

well, the interwebs seem to have righted themselves

I don't feel as much better as I thought I did last night
but
I got up
I gathered up the trash
and
I took it out
it's trash day
and you have to have it out
by a certain time
but
we only get one a week
so, if you don't put it out
then you're schleppin it to the dumpster
which is not close
so I didn't want to miss it


however, that really seemed
strenuous
which, of course it isn't
I scooped the poor cat's box
which I'm not sure
when I did last
it didn't seem too bad
so maybe I've been doing it
I just don't know
it's like I haven't been
with myself
anyway
that really took it out of me
so I think exercise may be off the table


I am so so thirsty
I want coffee, of course
because it's morning
but I'm out of milk
I needed to go to the store Sunday
milk ran out yesterday
but
I don't even really want it
because I'm so so thirsty
so I'm drinking iced tea
which I made last night before bed
but
I'm hesitant to drink iced tea
in the morning
because when I was a kid it made me vomit
if I drank I in the morning
maybe something to do with the tannins
that's funny
that's one of the few things
which has made me vomit
that never became an avoided item
it was just in the morning
I mean, you wouldn't stop drinking iced tea
that's just crazy talk


I may go back to bed
for a little while
I've been up an hour
but
it seems like a good idea
I have to go back to work
tomorrow
that's gonna suck


I'm gonna have to retrain the cat
he gets food on this alternating schedule
wet food in the morning
dry food when I come home
wet food when I have dinner
half a can and the rest before bed
and some dry if I stay up late
but then he's negotiated treats
if he greets me leaving


and I've just been so out of it
and the times have been so off
that when I've given him wet
he looks up at me and tells me
he's owed some dry too
and i just did it
then too
I've been confused about
when I've fed him
so I'm sure he's gotten extra meals
I'm really not happy
it's like i was a multiple
and just coming back
except
I sort of remember it
so at least I don't have to
Momento it all together
I just know I fucked up


does that happen to you
where you get sick
and your brain stops working right


maybe not
maybe you don't get sick
anyway
I hope this makes you feel loved
that I shared this with you
and not just like
wow
she's a freak
I know it probably wasn't interesting
but
whatever
this is what my last few days have been like

well, now the interwebs seem to be down

using phone
but without home network
hopefully this will right itself
if not it may be a few days
getting back to normal
I planned out a bunch
of stuff to do
for health/spiritual practice
although
I'm not sure if i do the regular stuff
on off days
I was thinking no
but
I don't have enough otherwise
I don't think
but
since I'm still a little
under the weather
probably take it a little easy tomorrow
don't know what that means
probably need the detox


my plan is to do the detox
until I've learned the 8 thingies
and then maybe replace
but
that might take a while
but
I mean, it's only 8
so not forever
I was gonna do tai chi
but
then I realized qigong is taoist
how cool is that
I'm trying to find the exercise I want
for off days
but
it's not more Pilates with her
I find her a little irritating


I hope you're happy with me
I feel a little confused
about the last
at least month
and really
maybe
since April
I mean
yes
but
still, like, huh

i told you before that i wasn't feeling good

well
I ended up not going to work
and
going back to bed
I had a hard time waking up
but my cat was hungry
so
he was pretty persuasive
so I've been up a little while
and I'm trying to decide about tomorrow
because this manager
unless it's her
thinks you should know
the night before
whether you're going to be well enough


I don't feel well enough to do the dishes
which I neglected to do yesterday
and maybe saturday too
there's only one plate
so I'm not sure
but
there seem to be
a lot of bowls
and like every cat dish
but
the idea of standing at the sink
seems like too much


showering and brushing my teeth
was almost too much
but
I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't have flu
I think it's just a cold
but I think of cold as being
mostly about congestion
and this is mostly about
dizziness

i watched a bunch of astrology videos

and
all the stars are aligned for you
you have momentum
you like can't fail
at whatever you try
so
you are supposed to
like allign with whatever you love
and make huge breakthroughs
in your field
this is seriously supposed to be
like the best year
maybe
that you've ever had
from an energetic standpoint


I guess I didn't listen to your yearly
at the beginning of the year
I kinda fade in and out
of the whole caring about astrology thing
but
I was listening to mine
and they were talking about
what a big deal
this solar eclipse was
and
ya know
it's in your sign
so I figured it'd be huge for you
I spent hours and hours
watching astrology videos


I'm supposed to have a big
like watershed year
next year
and then
2020
that's supposed to be
AMAZING


I guess we'll see


I don't know if I believe it
sometimes I think I do
like yesterday
totally
today
less certain
but
if you got time
you should look into it
maybe


I love you
I want you to have
super amazingly good stuff happen

but,if you want to hear a song

that i really hate
although it contains the word blue
which would naturally incline me to like it
and
which i turn the station even quicker than
anything else currently available

this is that song:

while i do like several katy perry songs

I don't like
I kissed a girl
I guess it might be
a generational thing


while jill sobule
was opening up the world
and being a little gross toward men
(I think I can do better)
is such an old marriage contract
mad men generation mentality
at least it was opening up
the world
or maybe contrasting the worlds
like
maybe
men and women
not equal
marriage an institution
whereas two girls can be
equal and can't be an institution


in the current world
two girls can get married
and be under the institutional model
although perhaps not in the same way


and maybe this makes the idea
hey
you're an experiment
I don't know your name
and it does even matter
this is all about me
because everything is, right


I just find it gross
towards women this time
and maybe it's no different
but
it feels different


some of her songs are very
positive
firework and roar
come to mind


maybe
maybe I'm looking at it all wrong
maybe Katy Perry is
like giving girls permission
to be ok with the idea
but
whatever
I think it's gross
and somewhat dehumanizing


but
it's not a big deal
I'm just sayin


with the Bieber song
I just always change the station when it comes on because I don't like it
not because I'm making a statement about him
I don't know him
I couldn't tell you
any other song he's sung
without looking it up
I know people dont like him
but
I'm pretty neutral


it's a good song
I just don't like it


this was just conversation
not
anything you really needed to know

ok, good morning

I have a headache
I don't feel too good
I'm not taking anymore
ugly morning pictures
not today
anyway
I feel like
you don't like it
when I don't take pictures
but
also
not so much
when I look grumpy
I am grumpy
but
not at you

things and stuff

I think I'm actively avoiding my mom now
she's wanting to help me
I told her
look
if you really want to help me
I need a job where I can
periodically
pretty frequently
take a month
go to the desert


she
came back with this
working at a church
with all the organizational stuff


ackkkkk


well, it gets three weeks off a year
and you'd love doing all that stuff


ok, three weeks off
not together
is not a month off even once
I hate human wrangling
and
I'd have to deal with Christians
I hate Christians


wouldn't they want someone
Christian
they did mention they wanted
someone religious
not Christian


ok, but I'm not religious


but you believe in god
ok, but not religion


but
it makes 40,000 a year


right, well, that is the magic number, huh
but
I want less responsibility
I want less job
not more job
the money isn't worth it


well, what have you gotten accomplished
you've invested a lot
in this time you're spending
what do you have to show for it


that's not really what I'm saying
at all


I have this overwhelming desire
to go to marfa
for a month
I know
something good would come of it


I hate my mother
I'm sorry
I know that might be insensitive
but I do

i love you

hope your day is good
i feel like i need a margarita
but
i probably won't have one
probably having brown rice
cooked in bone broth
with
steamed broccoli
probably