baby, it's cold outside

i didn't want to write about work today
there is one more scene that i definitely have to write
but it doesn't really flow from the others
so i have to figure it out as a separate thing

anyway
i haven't done anything productive
i did a peel
i'm doing those every week-and-a-half-ish
to try to keep the dead skin down
and clear my pores and whatnot

mostly
i've been sitting in front of a heater
i have central set on maybe 58 degrees
and then i'm sitting in my chair with heater-fan
i don't like to think how much this will raise my electric
because heat is generally more than air
it's just that who needs it generally
the cat is under the chair in his heated cave


i really want a fireplace
i used to have one at my last place
but i had to leave there because i couldn't afford it anymore
they got bought by a corporation and just kept jacking up the rent
plus i wasn't signing more than a six month lease
because i kept thinking we were gonna happen
so
i priced myself out of it a lot faster
i never even really decorated this one
my masks are all still in boxes
and i've lived here like six years or something
since right before you got married

i guess i'm not in as a good of spirits today
this sounds a little maudlin
i don't really mean for it to sound that way

oh, wait, let's see if i won the lottery
hang on

nope

estimated cash value $278,300,000
that coulda come in handy

the question is
if i won what would i do
i used to buy lottery tickets only on the day of the draw
so i would think about what i would do if i won
for just a few hours
and that was the fun
but then i stopped

but i started saying things like i want to win the lottery
and i was asked
did you buy a ticket
and i'd have to say, no
well you can't win if you don't buy a ticket
and i don't believe i'm gonna win
but they're right
you can't if you don't play
so now i buy them
but super randomly
with quick pick numbers
and
sometimes i don't check them for a couple weeks

but
if i win
i'm calling in rich to work
and probably i'm going to marfa for a month at least
maybe i wouldn't like it there to live there
maybe it's not diverse enough
or maybe i wouldn't like a small town
or maybe it's too hipster
idk
but i could be there for a month for sure
and that would answer those things for me
i've always wanted to live off grid
idk if i could handle that, really
but it's been calling me since i was a teen ager

i've also always wanted to be an ex-pat
where would i like to live
idk
nova scotia, iceland--  those are both cold
australia seems nice, but not a very ex-pat type of place
where would i be a good ex=pat, do you think

also
i really really want to have an ayhuasca ceremony
i really want the vegetal mother to tell me how i've fucked up my life
and how i can fix it
i might live another twenty years
i got time to do some stuff
maybe not much
but
i feel like there might be great things still ahead
if i could just get my act together, somehow

man, i wish i could smoke some dope right now
it's not legal here yet
they have made some steps in that direction
and i mean i guess people get it even when it's not legal
but i don't know anybody
and it's been so long

but
i'm pretty sure
that's what i need
right now