Wednesday, January 21, 2026

night January 21st

I was just asleep 
I had a headache and I just went to bed 
I woke up with 

contretemps prendu

in my head
the phrase, that is

BUT 
I dreamed about some house
someone was moving out of it
& it had some amazing 
decor
which was ALL
SUPER BLUE

I also dreamed 
you and I were walking 
in a slightly wooded area

you were behind me
with your arms
KINDA
wrapped around me
& I was rubbing my face
against the inside of your right bicep

it was VERY comforting 

I'm going back to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
goodnight 

January 21st afternoon

I'm sorry 
I know this is not interesting 
BUT 
I need to talk about it 

I've been fighting to try to get them to increase her diuretics because she is hella swollen 

I have been advocating in other ways as well
BUT 
they don't seem to want to increase them
they are cutting her fluids
which ALSO works
BUT 
she doesn't 
LIKE it

SO
she's been asking for water from as many separate people as she can
SO
they can't track it
& the woman just came in to take her food orders for tomorrow 
& she's ordering double beverages for every meal

I'm LIKE 
you're on liquids restriction 

she's LIKE 
if they are REALLY monitoring it 
they won't send it

I'm LIKE 
are you REALLY trying to GAME a system that is in place for your protection 

SHE doesn't NEED to be a part of our ARGUMENT 
she says

we aren't having an argument 
I say
I'm just asking for clarification 

YOU don't NEED clarification 
she says

SO
I pack up my stuff 
SAY
I'm not coming tomorrow 
& WALK OUT 

NOW
MAYBE 
this makes me look psychotic to the dietician 
which I'm SORRY if it made her
UNCOMFORTABLE 
BUT 

WHATEVER 

MAYBE 
someone will
RESCUE her from ME 

I wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway 
I WAS planning on going 
FRIDAY 

BUT 
I'm rethinking THAT 

C*NTY McC*NTFACE is a C*NT

January 21st morning

I'm awake 
& THAT 
was no small feat

I'm showered
I'm dressed
I'm about to have
COFFEE 

I've got 
I've just seen a face
stuck in my HEAD 

& I've already decided that I'm not going tomorrow or over the weekend 

MAYBE FRIDAY 

I need to monitor her care
BUT 
my actual presence 
SEEMS 
to make her
WORK
less effectively 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

Tuesday, January 20, 2026

goodnight January 20th

I'm going to sleep 
I feel like I 
should
talk to the doctors

I really don't want to talk about TODAY 
it WAS 


I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope everything is 
BEAUTIFUL 
for you

I just saw there's a big COLD-pocalypse coming 

it looks like the BAD part is gonna be NORTH
BUT 
I still have to WORRY about the GRID
they didn't mention 
MAYBE 
it's EAST of you


January 20th mom 2

she told the OT
if you ever have a daughter 
just give her AWAY
at BIRTH

she's a toddler, basically 


January 20th

whole lot of here comes the sun this morning 

and a little bit of starry starry night 
on the Uber to the facility 

they brought her schedule 
& it starts at
ELEVEN
&
ends at 
THREE

SO
I'm in for a longer haul than I thought 
& I'm disordered/exhausted 
to start with 
UGH

she's talking to me 
gotta go

Monday, January 19, 2026

goodnight sweetheart January 19th

the case worker at the facility said 
I should really be there
tomorrow to talk to her
physical therapists

they start at 8 am

SO
I have to get up at ungodly early hours 
she was weird today

I am uncomfortable about all of this

I'm going to try to sleep 
I'm already in bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I had buddy holly in my HEAD 
TODAY 

I realized I can't go to therapy anyway 
SO
I just texted him why I can't 
BUT 
I probably still need to tell him
I'm not ready to continue 

I wish I was giving you a big hug

YOU 
are 
MAGIC 


monday January 19th

YES

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I was surprised the world still had anything to do with us after dubya & all the STUFF 

billy bragg
wrote a thing I read
about
HOW disorganized & chaotic these bad guys are
& how America is at it's 
BEST
when we're proving that we can be
aligned with our ideals
we don't always stand up for but sometimes DO
we've beaten the like of this
BEFORE 
& he got a lot of people telling him 
he's naive 
& felt the need to edit 

I was reading post edit
SO
I'm not sure what he changed
AND
I've given up thinking I can predict elections

BUT 
I don't believe 
that EVIL will triumph 

BUT 
I believe 
LESS than I EVER have 
that we ever actually 
BEAT anything 

I think we've ONLY 
MAYBE 
kept it at bay

BUT 
THIS here NOW 
is the best group of white people we've ever had
in terms of believing in IDEALS vs PARADIGM 

AGAIN 
MAYBE 
& I don't believe EVIL will win

BUT 
I've got 
DOUBT

& I wish I didn't 

BUT 
the way they are going about things
is the DUMB way
& it has given me
HOPE 

that they won't manage to pull it off

but geez 
it's a WEIRD version of HOPE 

Sunday, January 18, 2026

goodnight sweetheart sunday january 18th

I STILL haven't 
contacted my therapist 

I need to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope everything is beautiful where you are

hope to see you in dreamland 
TONIGHT 

thoughts Sunday January 18th

I maybe had TOO MUCH caffeine 
regardless
I had
ANXIETY 

not extreme 
BUT 
I'm not stressing about all the
THINGS

I want to be on top of
it's a fair number of moving parts

& I'm not stressing about it 
BUT 
I think some
ANXIETY 
just, ya KNOW, bubbled UP 

I watched little pieces
some skin care
some fountain pen 

SOMETHING else -- I can't remember 

BUT 
if it gets where I'm not paying attention 
I SWITCH it 

& I'm switching a fair amount 

I haven't needed to take ibuprofen for my knee

I'm taking chlorella 
STILL 
or AGAIN, since I missed a DAY

& I stopped taking the
VEGAN omega3 & astaxthin 
SO
I need to get THAT back up & running 

I saw a thing
MICHELLE Obama
is maybe 
running for president 

& I have FEELS about it 
whether it's true 
or not

I don't like the dynasty vibe
I don't LIKE 
that he didn't walk any of it 
BACK 

after 
W

I LIKE
HER

I liked them, I like him

& I guess it got me thinking about 
the way THINGS have been 
GOING 
&
she GAVE him 
HER nobel prize

& I guess that's part of what brought about
something about guantanamo bay and something bout all these cows 

I'm trying to find 
the balance 
where I'm NOT freaking out 

AM I supposed to let myself FEEL 
ANY of what's going on 
I'm NOT SURE if I 
REALLY do
that I can 
HANDLE it




TOFU Sunday January 18th

I have a new tofu recipe 
I used to make this
tofu scramble 
modification from the vegan cool girl -- I can't remember her name -- isa Chandra Moskowitz

BUT 
pretty modified 

SO
I wanted to see if I could do it with the EARTH

it's like a brown gravy
KINDA

FIRM TOFU
cooked in some MCT c-8 
+ nutritional yeast 
+ EARTH
+ a spoon of bone broth concentrate 
+ a splash of vegetable broth 
+ a big squeeze of 
GARLIC PASTE 

I was pretty
pleased

it's cold
here

tarot synchronicity

OH
& I did a reading today
WHAT
I said, is the purpose of my life 

& it said 
THREE of WANDS
EMPRESS 
THREE of PENTACLES 


three threes

more thoughts

OH
AND
something about guantanamo bay
& something bout all these cows

SO
maybe I'm doing some
american retrospective 


wandering minds
move around 

Saturday, January 17, 2026

goodnight sweetheart

that line
in a land of half a billion guns
no where to turn to
no where to 
RUN

has been running through my HEAD 
& the DEVIL was a PRO

which is from an older song that had some similar configurations

& some other
thoughts about you

I'm kinda surprised I didn't write anything 
I thought about you 
OFF and ON all day and
what you might 
be doing

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope you are having fun 
meeting new
FRIENDS 

you are 
MAGIC 


slightly weird day

I decided 
NEXT WEEK 
might be kinda stressful 
I slept LATE 
TODAY

then I didn't do much 
I tried some
variations on soup

which
honestly 
we're not completely successful 

I'm experimenting with 
what spices work best with the healthforce nutritionals EARTH 

it has this slightly minty flavor 
which I THINK comes with the red clover
I'm overly sensitive to that flavor


I had very active DREAMS but I can't remember 

I watched a thing 
about the shroud of turin 

it was really interesting 
BUT 
un-vetted
LIKE 
who made this video & what are their credentials 
I didn't check

BUT 
it was fascinating 

I've never been very interested in the shroud 

I remember when they were studying it
BACK in the DAY

BUT 
I just didn't really 
CARE

this did all kind of DNA
all my feed is DNA now
the shroud
traveled 

it was
a traveling reliquary 
& it picked up
DNA
from people from all across the world

POLLEN
from thistles from the Israeli desert

some STORY 
about radiation burns -- or something 

biochemical explanations 
for the redness
of the blood

linen deterioration matching to masada 


I still don't know what I THINK about the shroud 

I MEAN 
if all of that is TRUE 
it MIGHT mean SOMETHING 

it SEEMS odd
that I still don't really CARE 

BUT 
I MEAN 

if jesus was
an alien or an embodied god

do you THINK he cares whether I'm worked up about his burial shroud




goodnight sweetheart

I need to sleep 
I don't really know what to say about today 
she's less psychotic 
since the place she is now
looks like a hospital 
instead of a nursing home 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

Friday, January 16, 2026

good morning sweetheart

I don't remember my dreams 
BUT 
I woke up
HAPPY 

good morning sweetheart 
I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶 

Thursday, January 15, 2026

I keep thinking it, and thinking it's too silly to say -- you are my sunshine

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I'm going to bed

I'm going to 
DREAM about you 

hopefully 

ugh, gaslighting?

my mom
sucks
I was writing this whole long thing
BUT 
it's dumb
& I don't want to talk about it 

she just doesn't know 
HOW 
to talk to me

I'm LIKE 
you could TRY making sense 

there is a circle 
of all my knowledge 
WHAT 
do you want to do with it 



WHAT 
does that MEAN 


well
it's SO BASIC
if you don't understand 
I DON'T EVEN KNOW 
WHAT to TELL you 

was the LAST sentence of a charming two and a half hour session 


OK
well
TRY to think of another way to say it
because THAT doesn't make any sense 

I don't know why today

I bought this for him LIKE seven years ago
TODAY
he decided he would TRY it

good morning sweetheart

people don't make sense 
when I was asking for information 
everybody told me
I didn't NEED 
to be 
INVOLVED with the transfer 

then before I had even left town monday 
the social worker is calling me 

can you pop by and sign the discharge papers 

she signed herself in
she's in charge of herself 
they would just
RATHER DEAL with ME

I need the pharmacy info 
it's the Walgreens at San Felipe and blah blah
I don't know the number
SHE has it in her phone 
BUT 
it's the ONLY Walgreens at that address 

I'm OUT of town 
& I wasn't YET but I didn't CARE 

then yesterday 
I didn't get the calls or texts
BUT 
the woman at the REHAB is calling to arrange
TIMES

I'm LIKE 
I don't understand these questions 
I specifically ASKED if I needed to be involved 
I was TOLD 
NO
but now I'm being asked things like I've got something to do with it 

I guess 
since I was trying to find out what was happening before, suddenly I'm in the loop
people don't make much sense 

BUT 
she will be getting three hours a day of REHAB 
SO
I imagine she will improve 
FASTER

man, she won't like it though
that's a LOT of work 
& she doesn't like to work 


Wednesday, January 14, 2026

I had a driving adventure

I'm pretty tired 
I took a weird alternate way home
when my cell reconnected 
I did a map search 
& I took
FM 487
79 & 36 (which, as it happens, turns into 290)

SO
my entire trip home was like
six & a half hours
BUT 
no traffic 

I have to return the car in the morning 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
you are MAGIC 

idk whether you were curious or not

I enjoyed this hotel

morning picture from earlier that wouldn't post then

good morning sweetheart 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

for the record 
I love the king of the world song
my subconscious was
NOT 
warning me off
forest fires

which it just occurred to me that you MIGHT think

I understood it to be that
FASCINATION 
with FIRE

I love a campfire or a fireplace 

michelle shocked had a great song about
the fascination with fire
& accidentally 
BURNING 
a field

BUT 
she was effectively enough cancelled that I can't find her stuff on YouTube 
I'm not sure what she did, but I was pretty into her back in the day

that campfire songs
recorded on a walkman at kerrville 
with the crickets and tire wheel sounds

when I saw her at rockefellers 
I could tell she had some
emotional/psychological problems 

& I guess those bit her in the ass
BUT 
she was a good storyteller 

please be safe out there sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 

geographic dislexia and cell outage is sub-optimal

I had a phone issue 
I took a detour to 
WACO
I'm not sure
HOW 

I hope you're doing better than me 
BUT 
I'm FINE
only my pride is hurt
I was sure I could negotiate 
BASIC freeways

thoughts

I gotta sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I can't go to
florida 
even though I don't like the residents much



I fell asleep 
I woke up 
hours later
& posted
this

Tuesday, January 13, 2026

thoughts

I generally get
have for most of my life
well, you're from the noth-east, right

I think because I talk, generally, pretty fast
I use "big words"
& I'm nasal-y

I find this
slightly surprising
because I say ya'll a pretty fair amount 
& FIXIN' TO which is in no way
north-east

ALSO

use to be SIR now it's MISS


p.s.

the fleece lined pant
was like
a texas easter egg

thoughts

when I was a kid
I saw plays
I went to the alley theater
miller outdoor theater
I thought I understood theater

at least in so far as
the general staging and whatnot 
KINDA
what to expect
MAYBE 
would be a better way to put it

THEN 
I saw something 
DOWNSTAIRS
on the small stage -- in the round
& it was different 

the play was still a play
I don't even THINK 
it was interactive 

but 
the in the round -ness was enough
to turn the paradigm on it's 
HEAD

SEVENTEEN MONTHS in the MAKING 


it's LIKE 
a WHOLE different 

I hope I wasn't too weird 
I had SO MUCH 
FUN

& it may be 
WRONG to say this
it MIGHT be 

the pitch hitting 
took on this
LITERALLY 
competitive 
ENERGY 

& that first guy
he was good 
in the way you might expect
someone in austin coming out of the crowd

could easily be 

BUT THEN

I saw you talking to him earlier 
from across the room

he was amazing
in a completely different way 

who else ya got
INDEED 

resonates 

AND
it seemed so
natural and synchonistic and like it wasn't planned and yet couldn't have been 
BETTER 






nice

good morning

I got up
I went back to bed
I'm trying to 
decide if I need to get dressed and go get coffee 

or if I can just get ready 
& then get coffee 

I guess I've been awake like an hour
BUT 
I'm just staggering around 
BUT 
I took supplements and drank a can of water

I remember when I would have demanded I go out and have fun
rather than stay in and try to get emotionally 
REGULATED
as much as possible 

& MAYBE 
I should be going OUT 
walking around 

I haven't got that stuff all figured out yet 

I am enjoying the room

I don't feel like 

more moving sound making elements are desirable until I get to the part where
they are the ones
I am preparing for 
& that
is my plan


be human
be myself 
be loving to myself 

recover

BUT 
I also want coffee 

this outfit I'm sleeping in 
is a completely 
covering
get up
if I were at a Hampton inn or whatever 
I would throw on a jacket and 
go get coffee from the 
lobby

this seems like too far
which doesn't make 
SENSE 


you are magic

I have all this emotion
AM I coherent 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
goodnight 

Monday, January 12, 2026

doing different things

AND
I'm never sure 
HOW 
to
express

the way I connect to things
SOMETIMES 
I am not
SURE 

is that meant to mean something 
or am I reading in

SOMETIMES 
I connect to bits
& they
MOVE me

greenland 

I feel I've done a poor job
of representing
& MAYBE 
that's because 

the thing I liked the MOST 
was hearing from you 
& then
it just goes off in all directions 
& by then

I probably didn't say the thing 

I dislike titles generally

I do feel kinda disconnected 
although I can't explain 
it's like
the bits are INTENSE 

but they don't FEEL integrated 

I had these loose ends
I couldn't quite handle 

did not respond to therapist 

WHAT was I gonna SAY 
BUt
I didn't 
RESPOND 

I got a text
CANCELLING 

& I can't take it seriously 

it just is already ABSTRACTED 

lucy reached out
I haven't responded 
I feel like it would be 
what I should
MAYBE do

BUT 
the gesture of reaching out 
is supposed to be 
to help 

& I think she is trying to help 
BUT 
I don't want to talk about it with her
I don't have the strength 

I cannot explain 
I feel like I 
SHOULD 
be able to explain 

I'm not convinced this is not
REALLY WEIRD 

that felt difficult

OK
I took l-theanine & ibuprofen 
I will not continue 
UNLESS you 
take the
chlorella 

OK
I WANT to FEEL better 
I took tumeric too
& the astaxthin

& this water
is adorable 

it's mystery source "purified" which is vague
plus electrolytes 

but it's FUNDING cleaning out
OCEAN plastic 

there's something I don't like 
about package design
BUT 
I don't know what it is

it's vaguely unsettling 



I'm doing some sort of meditative thing I think

there's a limited color palate
& it's one of those
BUNKHOUSE 

so it's like took an old motel 
TEXTURE 

& there's probably a name for it
I don't know what it is 

PLANTS

I let the bartender open a tab
I NEVER do that
it can become a problem 
EASILY 
& honestly it KINDA did

BUT 
honestly 
it was
FINE

& I went to the desk

do you sell water
I forgot water

we got FREE water
& that couldn't have worked out better

& NOW I'm trying to make myself 
take my chlorella 

because 
it will make me feel better 
BUT 

I really don't want to 

thoughts on hyper FOCUS

this car
is a different experience 
it's a Mazda

I test drove one of those
before I bought my
CURRENT 
CAR

there's something about it 

I got in the car
it's got one of those 
PUSH 
buttons

I hate those

I don't enjoy the push button experience 
& it triples my 
LOCK the KEYS in the CAR
ANXIETY 

I couldn't figure out the air-conditioning 
I'm LIKE 
I'll roll down the window -- a little 
I couldn't figure out the radio 
ANYWAY 

I tried to drive the speed limit
I read and re-read 
the directions 
I copied
from maps search

& I'm LIKE 
do you remember any of this 
from times you've driven 
BEFORE 

& NO 

nothing ever sticks

there are at LEAST two ways 
I've GONE and I NEVER 
KNOW 
which one is which
& TODAY

I took TOLL roads
& I don't think I've GONE this way before 
BUT 
I feel like there should be some 
OVERLAP

I couldn't find it 

I JUST DROVE 

there was a point I thought it might be electric*
it's a HYBRID 

*she just drops that in with no context

I SAW
something about charging 
& I had to run back
when you checked for gas cap release

it wasn't a weird new symbol 
WAS IT -- it was NOT 

SO
I didn't freak out 

which side was the gas cap on
you DIDN'T check THAT 

you ALWAYS check that

I think I just was in this 
FLOW STATE

& I don't know which things contributed

I didn't buy that car
because 
it was
UNCOMFORTABLE 
& I thought it was because 
I was TOO FAT
for the
TINY
CAR

BUT 
this thing is
BIG 

but it is ALL UP in my SPACE
the seatbelt cuts
I'm LIKE 

I got this touk
I wore cause it was inextricably 
FORTY FIVE DEGREES 
it's warmer now

I'm jamming it under the seat belt

it's got 
BLIND SPOTS 
it's all the headrests

which are somehow completely
WRONG for me

BUT 
I love the way the car feels 
it's the kind of thing 
that makes me
TURN it

back around 

MAYBE 
this is a BETTER 
POSTURE

& what it wrings in stress with the 
blind spots
it gives
BACK

with the back up camera
the intuitive side mirror adjustment 
the exact intuitive side sensor

BUT 
I'm not even sure 
my mind was wandering 



only a little bit lost

I'm very excited 
I of course got lost
BUT 
I got the talking directions to work 
& the woman checking me in
TOOK my information 
BUT 
then she was doing something else
reward points or something 
& she's LIKE 

what state was your ID from, OREGON?

I haven't been prouder
since someone in Freiburg asked me if I was from
FRANCE 

if I can get mistaken for 
CANADIAN 
it will make my year, eh

good morning

such great stuff 
you have been on fire
& I haven't properly 
said so

I'm in the throws of
ANXIETY 
about leaving the house 

BUT
I'm almost 
on the road 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

Sunday, January 11, 2026

wild card, they won the wild card

I had a pretty good day 
I did laundry 
I planned better

I had thought
I'd just KINDA wing it old SKOOL rather than plan because that's all spontaneous 
BUT 
then I remembered 
THAT works better when you're wandering 

BUT 
the one place 
I had stayed there with mom once
the other place
seemed somewhat gratuitous tacky 
I couldn't get behind there were places 
they didn't seem limited 
I thought maybe 

there were other options not on the booking site
I was gonna see
TODAY'S eyes
SAID 
NO
not a good idea -- look again 
& I found
AGAIN 
the first place I had seen that went away 
& was more than I wanted 
BUT 

seemed like a place I would LIKE 
& the thing is
SOMETIMES 
a place can VIBE you into a mindset 
& this LAST BIT 
with my mom has been a little 
INTENSE


I took a chance with a cake
it was CALLED 
a Mardi gras cake 
BUT 
it wasn't a king cake 
& I don't KNOW 

WHAT is a Mardi gras cake 
it's got layers 
it's got
FLAVORS I can't identify 
in the m.g. colors
& in the icing
it had
SUGAR
on the sides large grains
colored LIKE blue-y green
& on TOP a crystal
FLAKE SUGAR 

it glittered like snow

& coffee
with powdered milk

I watched superman kinda because of my pen

BUT 
I noticed different things 
partly because 
small screen 
BUT 
honestly 
I think I've changed since I saw it

& I mean the context in which I'm watching it 
has ALSO changed 

I engaged with the "f*CKing b*tch" group trigger
but didn't really get triggered 

I got some birthday wishes 
& I enjoyed them
& I enjoyed 
CANADA 

& the pen is from canada 
& I used it for writing 
LISTS

I watched a handful of ---   keep it up cutie vids
she's a stand-up 

I really enjoy them
they don't SEEM like I'd like them

I never liked the
I'm good enough, smart enough, & gosh darn it people like me

HERS
are funny
BUT 
like hey
don't be thinking this is supposed to be 
like falling off a log

I'm not looking for validation 
BUT 
the I'm so frickin proud of you 
is like a replacement line
OR
just to add it into the 
CACOPHONY 

I enjoyed 
the whole process 
of choosing and planning and doing the things 
at my pace

I engaged with the ideas
without overthinking it 
without having to 
see myself 
inside 
it

I'm not sure that conveys the experience well
BUT 
I'm trying to get it

it feels detached 
BUT 
then I'm crying at superman

I don't have it all figured out 

I'm trying to remember to bend my knees

it was a good day 
BUT 
you can't see in my HEAD 
SO
I'm trying to 
DESCRIBE 

I gotta sleep though 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I feel like I'm not 
REALLY 
making any sense 

just little fragments 

I love those little houses 

I saw a thing about the bears
they were putting 
CHEESE GRATERS 
on their heads

I've seen the cheese hats
I've never seen the 
GRATERS 

I should have looked it up
I'll look it up now
probably an important 
GAME


why do I have the Flintstones theme in my HEAD

I watched 
SUPERMAN 
again 

it IS pretty 
WOKE

I really LIKE it 

cinabon & forest fires

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I forgot to tell you 
I had king of the world in my HEAD 
this morning 

Saturday, January 10, 2026

thoughts

I had this song stuck in my HEAD 
& I'm LIKE 
WAIT 
where is that FROM because 

it doesn't make
SENSE

it was FROM, I remembered

KISS me KATE

WHY
that song then
my favorite song from that
MOVIE, at least, I've never seen the play

is I'm always true to you darling in my fashion 
WELL 
that is a VERY different VIBE
that would probably 
send you down a WRONG pathway interpretation 

MAYBE 
he's thinking about 
KISSING you 

today

I went to see my mom today
& I feel like I did pretty well
I notice
I'm still LIKE reading what I think she WANTS 
at least on some level

because I'm walking out to my car
& I'm saying to myself 
I'm sorry you WANT 
me to act like
you are my sweet dear old mother

for that to happen 
you need to have been SWEET and DEAR

whatever 
I didn't react


I decided 
I don't like the rouille d'ancre in that pen either 
& I was LIKE 
why don't you 
TRY
the ink it came with 

& I'm LIKE 
BUT 
it's all SHIMMER -Y 
& it's gunk up the pen

it is the ink it CAME with 
SO
I tried it
&
it's beautiful 

it's a little MUCH but it's beautiful 
SO
I don't know what I think about it 

Friday, January 9, 2026

goodnight

I'm going to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I keep seeing these things
this is denmark or sweden 
can we oust t*ump & melanoma
& take over your country

& I'm finding 
myself thinking 
yeah
that probably wouldn't be a bad idea


SURREAL times

rambling TALK-Y talk

I may not go see her today 
I have been up a while 
I showered
I ate
I'm caffeinating
I hand washed a pair of underwear and bra

I am planning at least one load of laundry 
I rented a car
I bought a ticket 
I haven't yet rented a hotel, but that maybe isn't even really necessary 
I can't do a longer trip 
I both feel like I need to be here for the transfer 
& can't really deal with all the moving parts
BUT 
I am doing the obvious birthday thing
I don't know where I am
in the journey from
nutso to sanely balanced
& I don't know how good I look in my range
I'm not necessarily in any kind of balanced state

I imagine 
if I'm being viewed objectively 
I'm not the top choice for anything right now 
I'm a work in progress 
I'm an image in motion 
& if I don't LOOK 
GOOD 

I'm certainly not holding that against anyone else 

I'm trying to figure out
too many things at once
under somewhat stressful circumstances 
& there is a certain quality of 
two steps forward 
one step back
OR
whatever

I'm not apologizing for that 
BUT 
I GET how it isn't 
IDEAL

PLUS 
I can see now
that I hated the shrunked droop of my lower face
after I lost all the weight 
SO
adding weight back
LOOKED like
youthening
subconsciously

I also maybe see
how when I was younger 
I had all these sort of
TOXIC structures 
that my conception of romantic relationships was built upon

I don't know how to 
NOT have BEEN that WAY 
& it is possible that 
remnants are
remaining 
below the level of my awareness

POSSIBLY 
I'm in some liminal shadow-y place
where I am
BOTH
too literal & too abstract

I am not connected to the world as an empath, not really, not anymore 
BUT 
I haven't found the NEW way I'm supposed to be 
CONNECTED YET 

& I feel like 
that likely means 
I'm not through the empress/death portal yet
I don't know my place
& I MEAN 

I feel like from a neurotypical standpoint 
I never have seen the place I'm 
SUPPOSED to occupy 

I keep feeling like 
I'm supposed to do some 
earthshattering reboot
on the grievance 
& hate & whatnot, but HOW exactly 

& then I'm LIKE 
MAYBE 
you're making it a bigger thing than it is
MAYBE 
that australian chick has a point about you
POLLYANNA 
OR
MAYBE 
you are just puffed up
with making yourself more important than you are

BUT 
I don't really want people looking at me
I don't really want to be the center of attention 

there was a period of my life
when I wanted to be on the talk show circuit
I think I was watching too much
dick cavett
& johnny carson

I figure 
I just move forward into the next open space of comfort for myself in the world 
try to heal my nervous system 
let my depleted levels
RISE
& I'll achieve
some sort of balance 

& I figure 
the path will be revealed 

& there's no reason to think
I'm single-handedly
DRAMATICALLY 
saving the world 

the message was always 
you got this
you'll know it when ya see it

& the pressure to
FIGURE it ALL OUT 
SEEMS 
kinda unfair 

I'm not trying to put that pressure on you either 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
& I hope you are having a beautiful day 

thoughts

I changed the ink
that gray was just too much
I thought I'd try the
j. herbin rouille d'ancre

which is too light for my fine pens
I love the color & shading
BUT 
it's still 
VERY 
light

the gray cleaned out really nicely 

I don't know WHY 
this stuff is 
SO
calming to me

I need to go to sleep 
I wish I could 
be a little more fun

I am having a little trouble 
NOT 
thinking about minneapolis 
BUT 
I haven't been watching much media about it 
I'm not sure I'm hitting the right balance 
BUT 
I'm not freaking out 
SO
I'll take that as a win, at least

I got stuff I need to do tomorrow 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
& I hope I can explain 
some of the new stuff 

I feel like I'm working it out
BUT 
I'm still getting the sense
that there's a lot more to everything 
than I'm seeing 


Thursday, January 8, 2026

not super talk-y today, maybe I'm on the edge of figuring something out, or maybe it just feels that way

TODAY 
apparently 
there was a big electrical job
happening at my apartment complex 

there wasn't any notification 
BUT 
they needed me to move my car at like
nine in the am & then
I had no electricity 
SO
I went back to bed

I kinda floated through today too
& I felt different today than yesterday 

I don't REALLY know 
SOMETHING 
that I feel like I should KNOW 

& then I DO KNOW something else
I still need to 
separate myself from 
some sort of 
SOMETHING 

that I consider that doesn't come from me

I don't think that is terribly coherent
I'm having trouble 
ISOLATING it
& articulating it

I DO feel CALMER 

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

thoughts

TODAY
I was just KINDA floating 
I decided not to run around & do things
I thought you wanted to do
LAUNDRY 

tomorrow 
 
I'll do laundry tomorrow 

TODAY 
I'm going to rest

& I'm not gonna f*CKing quibble about it 
NO
feeling guilty 
for not being productive 
NO
well I deserve x,y,z
BECAUSE 
I am VERY pleased with how I handled myself 
YESTERDAY 

JUST -- I decide 

NOT 
worrying 
about the future 
not worrying 
about the state of the world 

not just saying I'm not doing those things 

mostly 


I don't think I'm going back to my therapist 
I feel hesitant to SAY that 

I'm not saying 
I'm sane

I THINK 
I've changed my MIND about 
HOW 
helpful 
I think it is 

I mean 
I don't KNOW 

I'm working on some things 

I THINK 
after I SEE how 
THAT goes

I'll have a BETTER idea how to proceed 

PLUS 
doesn't it just seem like the universe 
telling me 

something 

BUT 
MAYBE 
I'm not seeing it clearly 

maybe I've been psychotic 

& I just haven't noticed 


It feels like 
one more thing I don't have the energy for
NOT 
oh dear g/d I needs me some therapy 

I still have some problems 
he could help me with 
& I do care about him
BUT 
I don't KNOW how to
EXPLAIN 
LIKE 
where I'm AT
WHO
I am NOW 

it feels 
DISRUPTIVE 
at THIS 
particular moment 

BUT
MAYBE 
that's rooted in some sense 
that the VALUE is in my having to organize my thoughts around EXPLAINING 
MYSELF 

THIS SEASON -- ALREADY in PROGRESS 





thoughts

the pen came
it's nice
the ink seems darker
maybe because the line is thinner
BUT 
it's not a thin line
honestly 
I enjoy a thinner line, but this is a really good compromise between a glassy smooth writing experience -- which I used to prefer
& a pencil-y feedback -- which my favorite nib has

my favorite nib -- holding the pen is uncomfortable 

my favorite pen holding experience -- I don't like the nib

at some point 
I want to try to get the nib put into the body
BUT 
that will probably need technical support 

the pen I now carry around with me
is a cheap pen -- jinhao 1909(?) which has a huge ink capacity 
a smooth nib
& a comfortable light weight holding experience 

I do like a heavier pen
this pen is moderate weight
comfortable to hold
SMALL ink capacity 

it's not perfect 
& it's hard to get the ridges to perfectly align

-- which doesn't bother me as much as I might have expected -- which I didn't because every review that mentioned it said it was not a problem 

the noise has stopped 
Kitty is sleeping happily supervising me

my mom's trainer called me 
I didn't pick up
I checked the message 
she's worried 
because my mom hasn't called her back

I texted her an update 

I feel ok
I'm taking it easy

good morning

I'm not going to see her today 
I want to do some laundry 
maybe take out some
trash or something 
take a bath 
I'm 
fairly calm, I think 
& Kitty is handling the fairly extreme noise
reasonably well
he was under the bed
right under my head
more or less
I'm not sure what they're doing now
but if anything it's louder

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 

I thought I wrote more

I thought I wrote more 
I didn't stay & visit 
I figured 
LEAVE 
in a
good mood 

SO
I had driven 
my car there
I went home, had some tea, then walked over
DROVE 
her car
got her mail

there was a lot more to the day
BUT I need to sleep 
& I'm not sure I can articulate it clearly 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I'll try to tell you tomorrow 

Tuesday, January 6, 2026

progress

OK
she's making good progress 
according to 
the social worker
the head a physical therapy 
& her actual physical therapist 

she's moving to the REHAB 
at least she's slated to
1/15-1/16

I explained my thoughts 
about wanting to get some idea what is
her likely outcome before I can make any
decisions about whether she can live alone
OR
needs to go some level of assisted living 
& I'm not her
guardian 
SO
I might have to convince her to do something she's resistant to 
& so I was
worried that the time line might be
tight
& she said I should probably wait until we get the assignment from the REHAB 

about what she
NEEDS

& that should be fine 
don't worry 

SO
I'm trying to decide whether to stay and visit with her or just leave and do my other chores

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

Monday, January 5, 2026

gotta sleep now

I want to tell you about my world building thing

the cycle of holidays 
there was a sickness & many people died
BUT 
a lot of people were too sick 
to deal with their dead
SO
AFTER the sickness 
the town had a communal funeral 
it's modelled after day of the dead
because there was someone 
from Mexico who explained their traditions 
& it was about that time of year
& the city modified it

& they celebrate it every year
BUT 
then immediately after 
they decided to take stock of their lives
in some more formal way
they had stuff to PROCESS 
SO
they practiced 
a month of thinking about
remaining alive when others died
gratitude for life
some form of 
FASTING 
or abstaining from something 
CONSCIOUSLY 
spiritual betterment 
& making amends with others


the month is finished out with a FEAST 
people who aren't fasting or whatever 
are in charge of arranging the feast
BUT 
ALSO
it is a time of
NOT GIFTING but NEED fulfillment 

the krewe in charge of the FEAST 
collects and monitors the NEEDS of people in the city
it's a time of making sure
if you need
resources or training or whatever 
you get those things

it's NOT gratuitous GIFTS 
it's the community responding to 
redistribution and fulfillment 


then there's the winter solstice 
which is about the longest night and the return of the sun & BRIGHTER days

which is celebrated by staying up all night
with bonfires and whatnot
& then watching
the sunrise over the mountain together as a group


then there's a variant of holi
with the colored pigments 
which commemorates
an event in the city near founding time
PAINTING the city day

because 
it was discovered when a group of Indian people 
who came with the architect to build the clock tower were engaged in it with their children 
& it reminded them of the spirit of 
the painting the city event

the colored pigments festival is celebrated in early march


there's a fire festival 
the carnival started in the depression 
to BOTH 
draw more customers 
& to encourage the city folk
to cut loose
be a little 
WILD

over time the other districts 
contribute their own
FIRE elements
& it becomes a whole city festival 

it's celebrated in early may



there's a holiday commemorating the beginning of the operation of the lighthouse 
which happened to be july fourth
they spend the day
playing baseball 
WAITING for the lighthouse 
to light it's first light

& the sea watch was so excited 
about the first light 
from the lighthouse 
that they set off flares/fireworks 
to commemorate

SO
it's a summer celebration 
of civic pride and such

AND
there's a weekly one too

most people live in communal living situations
the "apartments" in the city
have communal areas for living and eating 
& then private rooms
for sleep and 
STUFF 

there's a person who runs the kitchen
which is mostly 
a giant pot of
oatmeal or stew
& staples like bread and cheese

there's a lot of street vendors 
& cafes & whatever 
it's more about grabbing something to eat 
when you're hungry than
three squares
BUT 

friday dinner is semi-mandatory 
it's a commitment to 
COMMUNITY 
if you can't make it
CUSTOM 
is to have your place filled by someone you know

by way of introducing your house mates to 
new people and spreading community

the power of the shared celebration of home

this is specifically for the communal homes
& it is the practice because the very first
of the women who ran the kitchens 
was a follower of Shabbat 
& it became the custom 
in honor of her
CARE


this is a quick- ish sketch
& it is kinda more heavily weighted
at the end of the year

BUT 
I feel like 
psychological needs are met

& of course 
a new one might come along if there's a need

goodnight sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 


my mom is the most frustrating person ever

I went to see my mom
there was some talk about her going to the rehab facility today or tomorrow 
& I wanted to take her
a bigger bag
to put her
STUFF in
which I DID 
BUT 
she wasn't cleared for release 
& I'm going to try to find out 
WHAT that's ABOUT 
TOMORROW 

I tried to ask her questions 
LIKE 
did you have p/t today
are you walking more than one pass down the hall now with a walker

she doesn't know anything 

"I just do whatever they tell me to"

& she keeps saying
I went to the 
& she keeps twirling her hand around 
meaning she went to the exercise class I told her I really wanted her to do for EXTRA 

that is not p/t
you KNOW 
that's not p/t

I don't believe that she's confused 
I believe she's f*CKing with me 

I'm LIKE 
OK
I'm leaving 
you don't SEEM to be out of your MIND 
BUT 
I find it impossible to believe 
that you are HERE 
to get stronger 
SO
you can go to the 
REHAB 
AND
you WANT to live independently 
BUT 
you REFUSE to interact with you physical therapy 
enough to have ANY information about it 
or thought about it 
SO
I assume you are trying to upset me
SO
I'm going 


TODAY however 
EVERYBODY here LOVES her

I'm glad to hear it 
up until today 
everyone
HATED 
you



Sunday, January 4, 2026

oooo, read that at the poetry slam -- or apparently not letting myself feel good about whatever

goodnight sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 

I feel 
BOTH 
like I'm doing pretty good 
& oh dear Lord
WHAT 

that's maybe dramatic 

BUT 
there's definitely an

answers to bat sh*t CRAZY vibe


utopian thoughts

I've been imagining 
a fictional world 
& I'm trying to decide 
WHAT 
I'm imagining 

it's KINDA 
WORLD building 
BUT 
it's MORE of a fairy tale 
STRUCTURE 
MAYBE 

I feel like I'm turning a corner with the knees 
I was starting to be 
a little 
depressed 

& I'm absolutely not going to try to pretend that mortality is not looking me in the face 

I am so identified with like kid energy 

which I'm saying 
& I know what 
I mean 

BUT 
WHAT!?
is with the not wanting to move
& THAT FACE in the mirror 

I'm weird

the INK has come
& while it is sadly
NOT 
the warm gray of montblanc oyster
it IS
WITHIN 
ACCEPTABLE
PARAMETERS 

I have it in my old
eight dollar hexagonal plastic pen
which is not really, but gives
ENOUGH of a FEEL 

that I am
ENCOURAGED

I'm kinda groggy

good morning sweetheart 
I guess I passed out 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much

Saturday, January 3, 2026

does this make any sense? oh, also, I bought the pen before I had the writing conversation with my mom -- that wasn't like reactionary or anything

in FAIRNESS to ME 
I think a LOT of the things
I take joy in
are
the little things that
WORK for me

LIKE 
the SIZE and SHAPE and FEEL of things

on the ONE HAND seems
TRIVIAL 

BUT 
it doesn't SEEM trivial 
it SEEMS like

it gives me MORE SPOONS which we're TRYING to not just PRETEND isn't an ISSUE 

we're trying to 
take into account 

I'm REQUIRED to point out

THIS 
FINDING the PERFECT thing

which is possibly dopamine seeking
OR
the predominant fun puzzle THING 
that is my THING 

it is impossible to strip out
did I do THIS to play a game I like to play

OR
was I doing a PROCESS that leads to BETTER outcomes 

& the truth is 
I'm generally suspicious 
it's NEW experimentation 
& it hasn't 
PROVEN itself EITHER way 

SO
I can CLAMP DOWN but I'm trying not to 
BECAUSE 
I'm trying to DEVELOP a
COHESIVE 
ME

& this either works
or it doesn't 

but I have to do it 
to SEE

vices

OK
this is an example of 
WEIRD maybe dopamine chasing

I was looking on 
DROMGOOLE'S website 
for a 2026 hobonichi weeks 
I like to write in them
& sometimes I can get them on sale
because I don't really care what year they are
I just like the size and shape for writing 
BUT 
I decided 
MAYBE I DO want one as a planner, maybe

dromgoole's is a local stationary store
they were sold out 
BUT 
they had a fountain pen 
HALF PRICE (after season sale) 
that caught my attention 

it's facetted or like has flat bits instead of round
& I really want a facetted pen because it won't roll off the table and whatever 

there IS a specific one I WANT of course 
BUT 
that one is too expensive & is probably not going to happen 

SO
I LOOKED at it more carefully 
& it's SUPERMAN 
fortress of solitude 
from the new
WOKE SUPERMAN 

& the pen is made by
or at least SOLD by a Canadian company 

& fortress of solitude 

IDK
I just too much related
SO
I had to watch every video review on YouTube 
& convince myself that I needed it

which, I mean, I don't really 
& THEN 
I didn't want the shimmer ink it comes with 

I've decided 
I like hongdian ink 

it's inexpensive 
the bottle EXACTLY matches 
what I WANT aesthetically 
from an ink bottle 

& the bottle of coral I bought
to use to EXTEND the use of my FANCY 
COLORVERSE ink
is almost all I use now

f*CK the colorverse, I prefer the hongdian 
it's smoother and wetter & IDK 
I just like it BETTER 

SO
NOW
I have to watch all the swatching videos 
for all the hongdian ink colors 
& decide which one I want for this new pen

THIS 
is REALLY NOT essential 

BUT 
I can't NOT 
it's this decompression thing

SO
NOW I have
a fortress of solitude pen
& gray hongdian ink 

which I tried to talk myself out of
because I'm afraid that I'll just say
NOT 
montblanc oyster grey

because I used to use that in cartridges in my work pens at world market for years
& I love that color (discontinued)

this gray will probably be too dark
maybe also too cool toned 

but the peacock is too bright 
the blackish green is too dark
the blueish gray is too blue
the brown is not the right feel for the fortress of solitude and besides I have two bottles of brown ink that I already like the color of but don't use because they are dark ink and I like mid tone ink

SOMEHOW 
this is all part of my
"important identity work"
in my HEAD 
BUT 

it's not 

it feels 
CRITICAL 

BUT 
it's VERY extraneous 
& involves spending money which is not 
needing to be spent

fun times with mom

I would be happier with myself 
if I was BETTER at 
NOT ruminating 

by which 
I guess I particularly mean
playing things
OVER 
and over 
and over 
in my HEAD 

& ALSO looking for SOMETHING in the WORDS 

I don't WANT to 
BUT 
I don't WANT to pick my face either 

yesterday 
I texted my mom

good morning 
call your apartments and get the rent amount 
and I'm using fun emojis 
BOTH
to get her attention 
& to make it
LESS like
I'm telling her what to do

she doesn't respond 

more emojis -- please respond 

I'm taking my "official" tone

they don't open until TEN

I text her at ten after ten --
OK it's ten
call them, get the amount, write the check
please let me know when this is completed

the social worker called me 
monday or tuesday probably on the move to the REHAB center 

SO
I drive over
I go up
I tell her about the conversation with the social worker and the move to the REHAB 

SO you've done your BIG IMPORTANT things
& NOW you're going to enjoy your January second OFF

I look at her incomprehensibly

ARE YOU 
MANAGING 
to get ANY WRITING done

OH you can stay and visit as long as you like
I'm about to go do an exercise activity 
at two or two thirty
she says


DID you get fed yesterday, I asked 
because she had this big story about how they were all going to be left
UNATTENDED on the first -- they wouldn't even be given FOOD 

YES 
three whole meals

& then launches into this story of talking to a woman at breakfast 
-- she fell out of the bed --
---- no one could hear her SCREAMING ----
even though SHE could hear THEM screaming to each other in the hallway 

is this STORY true
I don't really believe it 
& it sounds like 
something SHE would be making up

SO
she's your new best friend 

NO
I hope I never have to hear from her
AGAIN 

OH
why is that

it's an upsetting story 
THAT is TRUE 
& I think that's WHY I'm hearing it NOW 


then later she's telling me a STORY about 
an old woman 
who has a full time care giver
---- needed to be FED
& a younger woman who couldn't have been her daughter, she must have been grand daughter or maybe even great grand daughter she came with HER children to see grandma 
& the children four years old and eight months

were ENCHANTED with grandma

I don't understand the significance of the age of the children, I say
EIGHT MONTHS old!?

then she wants her aid to take her to the
exercise activity 

we need to tell someone to find her
they're VERY inefficient here

there's a guy

well tell him --

YOU tell him

SO 
her aid comes back to check on her
& doesn't have any clue what she's talking about 

checks with someone 
& is LIKE 
there's a happy hour event downstairs in the residence at three
OH -- OK -- FINE -- she wants to be taken -- NOW

HERE is WHAT 
YOU'RE GONNA DO

I BRISTLE inside, but she's not talking to ME

her aid is LIKE 
do you want to change clothes

NO

SO
we go downstairs 
it's TWO 
no one is there for the three o'clock event

WELL 
there's NO POINT in STAYING if there's 
NO ONE HERE

I thought, I said
the POINT
was to be in a different place 
looking at different stuff 
UNTIL 
your event STARTED 

NO
TAKE ME
BACK UPSTAIRS 

OK
well 
I'm going 
I love you 
bye 










goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I'll be talk-y tomorrow 
I'm almost certain 

Friday, January 2, 2026

goofy standards

I don't know WHY 
BUT 
eating a plate of rice 
with 
CHOPSTICKS 
makes me feel competent 
in a way nothing else does 

you do something for fifty years
I guess you get good at it

I mean 
it's not a skill anybody really cares about 
except me

I remember 
how HARD it was to master it
RICE
is easy, relatively speaking 
if it's 
STICKY
& in a little bowl
where you are just KINDA shoveling it in

BUT 
it requires balance 
when the grains want to separate & fall

two half grains on the table
NOTHING 
on my dress front

I can't f*CKing do THAT
with a FORK

YAY ME

silent victories

thoughts

I'm doing better 
I went to get the check from my mom 

I didn't stay long
I don't really want to talk about 
the interaction 

I drove around 
after I paid her rent 
it's a little WARM -- I was hoping for BRISK 

BUT 
it's undeniably BEAUTIFUL so I just drove around the places I like to look at, a little 
&
NOW
I'm at the place with the malaysian fat rice
which has manga wallpaper 
which cheers me up
just from cool

I think I'm doing okay

I think I'm objectively doing better
BUT 
I don't 
FEEL like I'm doing MAYBE how I think I should be

IDK
I'm sorry to be a downer 

not the best start to my day

I had a bunch of dreams 
the ones I remember 
I was out
in MAYBE a restaurant or club or something 

when I got there
& on the stairs 
& downstairs 

people kept finding me
& telling me 
jason really needed me to help
FUND his FILM

jason had been sending DMs that I'm no longer opening because I don't trust him not to trigger me or make things somehow worse

I also
had maybe offended someone 
by saying something 
& now I had to go to some

MATH CLASS 
or something 

& I got somebody to show me
HOW to get there

the shortcut 
involved running across these
FIELDS

full of
I want to say
FOODSTUFFS 
I kept being distracted by the 
BEAUTIFUL COLOR CONTRASTS

light & dark 
GREEN

PURPLE 

then I woke up 

I'm LIKE 
okay
you need to call your mom
& remind her to call her apartments and get her 
rent amount*

*which varies because of fees or services or something I can't remember & never really understood 

SO
she can write a check 
SO
I can pick it up and take it there
SO
her rent is paid

you can drive your car
which takes care of driving your car

what I need you to do
is plan a FUN thing
you can DO
while you're OUT 

& NOT 
just buying something 
doing something 

I've been UP like forty-five minutes 
& I haven't thought of anything 
that seems 
even remotely fun

I wanted to think of it 
BEFORE 
getting out of bed

it was a complete blank

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 
I'm maybe struggling a little 

thoughts

I've been ruminating 
not the best day

kitty, however, even though there was an episode with firecrackers has been sitting next to me seeming happy and not attempting to bite me

all day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
goodnight 

Thursday, January 1, 2026

zoned out zone

I guess I didn't tell you about yesterday 
I got up
I made soup
I zoned out pretty hard
I decided 
that I needed
COTTAGE CHEESE too

I took most of my supplements 
I brushed my teeth 
which I usually do 
BEFORE I eat

BECAUSE 
if I do it after
I usually 
VOMIT 

which I did, a little, but felt disoriented
BECAUSE 
it was red and oily
& I didn't recognize it as being anything I ate

(astixantin & DHA/EPA I realize now & I think I misspelled astixantin but I'm not looking it up)

I took a shower 
I'm consciously thinking 
FOCUS
on enjoying each moment 
LIFE
is a series of moments 

I got dressed 
I took an Uber to see my mom

I had mail with me
I had items on a check list to be crossed off

her late tax return was sent back to her
she didn't sign it
I thought I could just have her sign it
mail it back

BUT 
NO --  when I looked more carefully 
it was ALSO missing 
supporting documents for withholding 

she sends this to an accountant 

I'm LIKE 
he keeps a copy, RIGHT 
BUT 
I STILL don't understand 

he's got it listed here on the return 

25b __ 2686 __ from 1099
25d __ 2686 __ extended 
33 __ total withheld 

what would they be withholding from

disbursement, maybe 

would he just put it on the form with no backing documents & is jeffrey jim's son

JIM was the account she mentioned enough in my lifetime that I remember it

he's been retired for a while now 

well, you need to call him
do these notes make sense to you 

I was thinking I'd 
LET YOU 
do that

NO
you know him
you know your situation 

it might be different if you were disabled in some way, but your mouth works, your phone works

& besides I really don't want to be involved in it


there were some other things 
I couldn't get crossed off

which involved it being 
a holiday 

NOTHING is OPEN 
on NYE or NYD
the world 
apparently shuts down

it doesn't, you know 
I never worked anywhere where we didn't work
NYE isn't even a paid federal holiday 

yeah well you never worked anywhere 
that didn't serve drinks or liquor 

NOBODY works HERE on New Year's Day
we'll all just be in our beds
we won't even be 
FED

WHY do you think that 

everybody said see you friday before they left

because they aren't working 
BOTH 

I mean it might be all substitute teachers
BUT 
I mean
NOBODY told you you'd be ALONE, right 

there's no reason for you to think that

I FEEL like 
that's just designed to be 
provoking upset
SO
on that note
I've had as much fun as I can handle 
I'm leaving now 

I left her sitting in the meal room
told everybody happy new year as I walked by them the whole way out

called an Uber

went home
zoned out some more

didn't want to think about her enough to tell you about it 

then I stayed up 
but didn't watch fireworks or anything 
drank ANOTHER bottle of wine 

well
that's both celebration
& depleating inventory, right
emptying out the STUFF 

some precious six bag of wine
you've had sitting around for six - seven years

BUT 
I stayed up till five
& I can't really tell you what I did