very small circle

OH

I forgot to SAY 

they had people zooming in 

for the meditation 

& there was this one woman

& she just seemed like

the most serene 

vibrantly beautiful woman ever

& it turns out

she's sort of

famous, I guess, although maybe not

SO MUCH -- currently 

she's a health & wellness guru

ani p from socal

it said

BUT 

I was just now thinking about it 

& looked her up

ani phyo 

I think is her name

she used to be a raw foodist

back when that was a thing

small world, huh

goodnight/good morning

I slept 

I woke up

I think I'll try to sleep 

a little bit more 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm trying to keep my vibration 

high so I help with the 

LIGHT timeline 

without crossing over

into some kind of 

TOXIC 

positivity 

my day so far

I talked to charley 

the self described long-term student 

who led the meditation 

& I talked to emily 

who described herself as staff

& gave me her email in case I ever need anything 

or have any questions 

I had to say something 

so I was talking about the level of anxiety 

about the state of the world and the 

attempt to track

HOW MUCH 

of that is

OBJECTIVELY WORSE

& how much was just my 

not paying proper attention before 

she understood what I was talking about 

& when I mentioned that it doesn't help

that news is specifically geared to

get that response 

& the CLICKS

& whatnot

she was LIKE, yeah, I don't even like the things I like anymore because of the level everyone seems to think you're supposed to take it to

and I understood that 

& I suppose part of the problem is 

TALKING about it 

doesn't 

DO 

MUCH 

and I'm reading about centers

in texas

where they are putting 

EIGHT year old

PREGNANT 

GIRLS

where

I'm wondering 

WHAT is the likelihood that they even make it out

ALIVE

am I SUPPOSED to meditate myself 

CALM from THAT 

or would a more appropriate response be

to f*CK sh*t up

BUT 

I'm not really in a state to f*CK sh*t up

I'm trying to put my 

OXYGEN MASK 

on FIRST 

BUT 

then I hear that black soldiers 

didn't even get the g.i. bill

& I'm LIKE 

f*CK

AM I 

part of 

the problem 

I'm exhausted and all I DID was meditate

for an HOUR 

talk to two people 

& stop at levant bbq

where I got a stuffed potato 

& shook hands with daniel the pit master

I guess I talked to him too

I watched a little news

looked for someplace else to go

because TODAY 

is going to be exciting 

BUT 

JUJITSU 

these people are 

I've been calling 'em

KEYSTONE n*zis

BUT 

that FEELS flippant NOW 

like keystone cops

I WANT

to take a nap

my HEAD hurts 

BUT 

I ALSO want to be the resistance TOO 

IS that

CRAZY 

it FEELS a little 

CRAZY 

I love you

check in

I went to the tibetan buddhist meditation thingy 

it was easier to find than things sometimes are & it was good 

I might need to do something else

to get the excitement in

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to sleep 

LOTS of 

fragments of thought 

SOMETHING exciting is going to happen tomorrow 

I don't know what yet

sprouts update

still growing 

thoughts march 21st

I chanted nam myoho renge kyo 

last night for like idk an hour-ish before bed

& my intention was a little foggy

SOMETHING 

around

raising my consciousness 

getting back to a place where I am not avoiding 

people mostly 

I guess 

& THEN

I passed out and slept for more than 

TWELVE hours

& DREAMED

and dreamed and dreamed

about all kinda crazy scenarios with people 

ALSO 

I was flying around in a helicopter 

I got it caught in a tree

& had to figure out how to get it down

I don't know what any of that 

MEANS 

it felt like I was working through some stuff

I'm listening to the chanting now

while I type this

I guess I want to become 

a magnet for wonderful experiences 

I want to ENJOY being around people 

I want to find people enriching 

instead of draining

I feel like I had that ability in my past

I'm not unhappy 

BUT 

I need to put myself out there as they say

in order for the UNIVERSE to have

OPPORTUNITIES to 

GIVE me

all the stuff it's lining up

& I need to connect with the humans

I've shut down in ways I need to

crank back up

thoughts about special stuff

I've been thinking about it 

I never got to go to

any kind of

SUMMER 

CAMP

&

I didn't have the joy of dairy queen 

BUT 

if you followed the apartment property 

if you went out on the one side

there was the bottle smashing bar

& the baby giant convenience store 

on the other side there was a

whataburger

& a vacant lot

in the summer there was a SNOW CONE stand

my dad did their sign I think

they had a bajillion

FLAVORS

& SOMETIMES we got snow cones

that's the closest thing I can think of

WELL

there was ASTROWORLD they had season passes

BUT 

you still had to get someone to 

TAKE 

you

I was writing this when I fell asleep I wasn't in a groggy state when I was writing but then I got in bed and passed out without finishing

I've been doing that

nam myoho renge kyo chant

I don't know whether I think it does anything or not 

BUT 

I DO

LIKE 

chanting 

& I can get on board with chanting

MAYBE mix it UP 

I did find another 

buddhist temple

they teach zen meditation in English

in a free thing that runs

for several months

with dharma talks after

from the reviews it seems like it's really good 

& pretty diverse 

it is taiwan based

& the information videos 

seem somewhat like they're selling you a timeshare or something 

SO

I'm not sure about it either 

there are a bunch of temples that don't have anything in English

I guess 

if I want to understand what's going on 

I have to pick my poison 

now if it's not religion I want 

MAYBE 

the jung center is more like my speed

I've found TWO parks

one east & one west

roughly within a five mile radius 

that have "health and wellness programming"

which I didn't even know was a thing 

ya KNOW what else I used to enjoy 

that I'm not sure I remember how to do

PLAY backgammon 

I used to play it with gigi all the time 

& I thought it had

a really good balance of skill to luck

made it still fun to play

even if the skill levels of players were 

poorly matched 

they're growing

slightly MORE sprouted 🌱🌱

I guess I had stuff to talk about

the food dept

SAYS 

the Alabama hot slaw from the moosewood cookbook*

*it something like lunch at the moosewood or something like that it's my favorite one it's all soups & salads

is great on fish tacos 

& as a side

& on po boys

I guess 

moosewood makes me KINDA a hippy-ish

WHAT ---girlie

I remember seeing the broccoli forest cookbook 

on one of the shows when I was a kid

I'm pretty sure the author 

COOKED something 

& I was CHARMED by it somehow 

JUST attracted to the CONCEPT which was WHAT 

MAYBE 

there was an omelette recipe 

I was super into

OMELETTES

I'm not 💯 that I ever actually had the broccoli forest -- I think I did but it seems equally likely that WHEN you actually got old enough to GET yourself a cookbook 

I THINK you BOUGHT the LUNCH one

it was KINDA beautiful 

because the stories

HOW THIS 

BECAME 

a beloved dish, the person who brought the RECIPE 

& it was great because it was 

VERY SHARING 

they made it 

SO I felt

LIKE 

I had this WHOLE SENSE of the place 

I ENJOY a good cookbook

I KINDA think 

the broccoli forest was just one woman

BUT 

in the ensuing years 

the group had kinda worked it's way back in

& I think when I went to buy

BROCCOLI 

I had heard the scuttlebutt 

which was like MAYBE 

she didn't really have the rights to use

MOOSEWOOD 

I think I looked at whatever was available 

at THAT time 

but then subsequently

there are many

MORE 

I got some of those 

I should probably look at again

I got em thrift cheap on eBay 

& the STEW one

had a page ripped out 

& I MIGHT 

have bought a second copy

& been disappointed 

that it wasn't 

ACTUALLY 

the BEST 

RECIPE in the book 

OR 

that was a STORY I TOLD myself 

to KEEP myself FROM 

buying a second 

COPY 

I'm honestly not sure 

BUT 

my attempt to lay odds might be

don't bet against 

there being 

TWO books

it might not make sense, but just don't 

there's tai chi in a park I haven't been to 

BUT 

it's near things I know 

it's at a TIME 

when

TRAFFIC will be unavailable 

OR

a time TOO early 

I thought tai chi in the park SOUNDS fun 

then I'm all LIKE 

well then do you have other THINGS in the AREA 

I don't want to drive in traffic 

THREE we need to leave by three and have three hours of something planned in the AREA 

OR 

morning 

OR

I MEAN 

alternatively 

freak out at the IDEA of the park

there's a school of tai chi in the AREA that when I looked it UP

SEEMED 

to ONLY have free classes in parks

SO

MAYBE 

the school is one on one instruction 

idk

I think it might be awesome 

BUT 

I feel like I'm missing 

SOMETHING 

I have no 

CONTEXT

for

I MEAN 

do they program the park

I guess they DO

I went to the

PARK

website & looked at the calendar 

SO

do they pay the school 

OR

is it like a community thing

BUT 

if you like THIS we can show you MORE 

for an undisclosed amount

OH

it's late

SLEEP now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

sprouts are sprouting

LOOK 

they're starting to sprout 🌱 

YAY

check in march 18th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

stuff about my evening

also

kornacki primary results 

I guess it was

st patrick's 

& I ignored it as I mostly have 

the last time I went out for st patrick's*

*unless I was somehow out without being aware that it was st patrick's 

was LIKE 

twenty eleven 

I went to Fitzgerald's

somebody from work was having a 

SOMETHING 

it was semi- chill

TODAY

I watched Steve kornacki

tell me about illinois

the ANTI- ICE candidate 

won over the "established" candidate

BUT 

I don't think 

kat abu won

I like this configuration much better than 

the old MSNBC model

this is just him and his producer 

talking about counties

it's LIKE 

when they talk about

baseball player stats 

forty percent of the time 

in this configuration 

I really groove to that

number crunchy 

chit chat

or however you would describe that

I didn't clean through stuff 

I got overwhelmed 

I've had a headache 

& the changing weather is 

aggravating my sinuses 

BUT 

I've had a pretty good day anyway 

I hope you had a good day TOO 

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I think I'm still caught up 

trying to 

think

about clara's return to rwandan 

bog standard

scottsmen

I feel like I might learn 

I also probably 

should respond in some meaningful messages 

tied myself up ---too many variables 

am I even making sense at this point

---doubtful 

I do love a navaho rug on a cold night

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

more thoughts

I am ALSO obsessed with 

PALMISTRY 

I feel like 

ALL

the palmistry is 

COMPLETELY --- not telling me what I want to KNOW 

ALSO

death & justice

CARDS

OH

and probably judgement and the tower 

BUT 

I got myself 

DISTRACTED 

with the IDEA of them all being

like VINTAGE neon

or maybe 

SIGNS

check in march 17th

I DECIDED 

I wanted to go to 

I was trying to talk myself into

couldn't quite make myself go to the

unitarian church

that I'm trying to convince myself is walking distance 

AND

I'm just NOT buying

ANY

of

THAT 

& THEN I remembered there's a UNITY 

and I thought about that 

AND

I wasn't BUYING THAT either 

you HAVE to interact with people 

SO I thought 

MAYBE 

buddhists, maybe 

I'm finding 

some interesting stuff 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for 

I've shut down 

I'm looking for people I would enjoy to be around 

I haven't tried buddhists yet 

there's a place

really close

that was started by 

a religion 

professor 

and 

a therapist 

it's supposed to be tibetan buddhism 

AND

there's a  ---nam myoho renge kyo

really pretty close 

there's the zen center 

in the heights 

& I've known about that

didn't THINK I'd like it

SEEMS

I'm not sure whether to say

intimidating &/or off- putting 

there's this

I MEAN 

it's in a beautiful old house

in a neighborhood of

EXPENSIVE 

houses

it's all beautiful 

BUT 

it's TOO MUCH too far

it feels too SERIOUS maybe 

I thought about it 

YEARS AGO

I didn't WANT to go 

the tibetan one

I have no idea

well, that's not true

I watched some videos 

I'm not sure 

I watched the people who lead the meditation 

I'm not sure I love the chant

I think I'd rather learn it

in tibetan 

the chanting 

SHOULD REALLY BE

the cool part

BUT 

they seem like

REAL people 

they're 

TALKING to the 

ASSEMBLED

group 

like they are capable of 

& YET 

I don't really KNOW what I WANT 

if I WANT the SHOW

or the people 

I guess I WANT a SHOW in the SENSE that 

I WANT a KINDA 

ritual something something 

I ALWAYS kinda

wanted that

BUT 

I could never really find it anywhere 

& I stopped looking years ago

BUT 

it's necessary for the rebuild 

I gotta interact with 

the FRAMEWORK 

I'm not sure

WHY

check in march 16th-ish

I'm sorry 

it's like my mind was

WORKING on an SOMETHING 

& I just didn't 

TALK 

I'm not

SURE what it's doing 

NOT just ONE thing

I THINK 

I love the way the slow banjo sounds

& I'm slipping 

into the nooks & crannies in the narrative 

by which I mean

I don't know what I think 

about all the

directions I'm running with it

I'm ALSO 

really thinking about 

TIME TRAVEL 

which I haven't done in a while 

I started the sunflower seeds 

I cleaned some 

I listened to

some videos about the RED BOOK*

*carl jung

some videos with handpan

edgar casey predictions of 2026

my dad was super into

edgar casey

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

ps -- it's cold again -- weird

I'm gonna try to sleep

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

IDEA march 15th

I have this kinda something 

rolling around in my 

HEAD 

I wanna try to 

TELL you 

ABOUT 

it

I take a jar of PICKLES out of the REFRIGERATOR 

I find myself 

STANDING in the kitchen 

refrigerator door 

OPEN 

I WANT ---SOMETHING 

THIS  ---is a place I am broken

that sounds really dramatic --is it really that dramatic 

THIS ---connects me to my father 

it's late night binge eating 

I'm NOT 

BINGE eating 

OK let's be 

CLEAR

you ONLY have healthy food in the house

& you are limiting quantities

you're calling it a meal

you still fit in your clothes

I'm talking about what you are enacting

I ALMOST DIED ---last night ---he said to me

and then he would tell me a story 

being up

LATE

eating in the night

I FEEL like I should ADD something 

BRIGHT LIGHT in the KITCHEN 

he had eaten

CHEESE 

& PEANUT BUTTER 

& he almost hadn't lived

to TELL 

AND

REMEMBER when 

he tried to teach you about

bulimia 

BUT 

you were too THICK to pick up on it

I take a jar of pickles out of the refrigerator 

I take the lid off 

I DRINK

PICKLE JUICE ---oh good the pickles are basically STILL covered with pickle juice*

*there is a somewhat joyful acknowledgement of this fact since it came late in the process and couldn't be assured 

is THAT what you WANTED 

WELL 

I MEAN I think the point is that you are trying to USE FOOD to FILL

a METAPHORICAL

HUNGER

BUT 

if you're asking 

it KINDA 

HIT the

SPOT

check in march 14th

the sun is shining 

the weather is fine

I'm happy to be 

ALIVE

I'm grateful for a bunch of things 

YOU, for example 

I'm still not sure exactly what that dream was

ABOUT 

BUT 

my nervous system is SO MUCH better 

I'm okay 

I'm doing okay

don't worry about me 

just send the positive vibrations 

this could be a beautiful world 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

weird dream

I dreamed I was in some sort of treatment facility 

I guess you'd call it

something 

PSYCHOLOGICAL 

I think 

& I needed to pee

I was going to walk up the stairs 

to go to the bathroom 

& SUDDENLY 

there were

SO MANY 

people 

coming DOWN the stairs

& my therapist -- or whatever was going on 

SAID -- DON'T GO to the bathroom 

JUST PEE

into the

PILLOW 

now, that might strike you as a strange directive

it certainly seems STRANGE to me now

& I think it seemed strange to me in the dream 

BUT 

she was quite serious 

AS THOUGH 

it was an important exercise for my recovery 

SO

I DID it -- peed into the pillow -- 

SITTING on the FLOOR 

AND

the pee MOSTLY didn't seem to ABSORB 

it pooled out into the floor 

which ALSO 

was a non-absorptive surface 

AND

the beautiful GOLDEN liquid 

RAN EVERYWHERE 

I crawled around 

wiping it up

WITH the PILLOW 

which now seemed to absorb just fine

COLOR in DREAMS 

always SEEMS important to me 

I wasn't embarrassed 

I wasn't angry

I wasn't frustrated 

I was just

FOCUSED

on the task at hand 

AFTERWARDS 

I stood up 

I wasn't FAT anymore 

I have no idea what that means 

thoughts march 12/13th

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I remember hearing that live

in northampton 

walking around 

before the show outside 

& it must have been fall

because the

LEAVES

were

SO

RED

&

there were three of us who were put together 

at a table because we were all

ALONE 

&

strings broke

TWICE

& unrelated to that

yay for

ZIPPERS 

sleeping now, goodnight sweetheart -- march 12th

I had a dream last night 

that unsettled me

I was working on

SOMETHING 

something 

LEGAL 

(I think)

I went into an office 

& I was talking to a woman 

& she's LIKE 

no no

this is wrong 

it will cause problems 

that you don't have 

SOMETHING 

& I realized 

I had no idea what the f*CK I was doing 

& I was LIKE 

WHAT is WRONG with ME 

& I realized 

I didn't know if that was her office 

or my office 

& there was a grocery cart

apparently missing

from the hallway 

& I have been 

trying to figure out 

if it's a stress dream

or

me telling myself 

SOMETHING 

I watched a lot of videos on tarot decks

& oracles

& I'm thinking about how people keep 

acting like anything t*ump does

is about making sense 

in some way 

BUT 

narcissists aren't worried about making sense 

or consistent thought

it's ONLY about 

perpetuating 

the delusion 

what he says and does

isn't (from his perspective) checked against 

ANYTHING 

there 

are 

NO 

FACTS 

WHAT can we DO

to make them

CHANGE the laws if the BIG BLUE WAVE comes

HOW 

can this be FIXED so that it's not just gonna happen again the next time we pick a president 

HOW 

do we LONG-TERM 

SOLVE 

this unbelievable mess

march 11th

it is raining 

HARD

again today 

I love to listen to the rain

I think I want to change the high priestess 

instead of sacred geometry 

maybe

a BRAIN kinda projecting a third eye upward 

& I think the MAIN meaning of the 

hanged man is supposed to be 

perspective 

the octopus 

as it turns out 

ACTUALLY IS

very strong 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

it was not a talk-y day

I've had 

one step beyond 

by madness 

in my HEAD 

all day

I happened to look at the clock

at 11:11

BOTH TIMES 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try to sleep now

one step beyond

good day sweetheart 

I'm going to try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

good morning and good afternoon

I saw this video last night

I was looking for 

jimmy kimmel 

then I realized they just do week days

BUT 

then I saw one with sarah silverman

& suddenly I realized 

I'd seen it before 

it was something that went viral 

like seventeen years ago

& I don't think I even knew who jimmy kimmel was

& I didn't know who he was

when they were threatening to cancel him

I'm only watching him NOW because of THAT 

I THINK 

BUT 

I thought the sense of

just CRAZY in-joke

FUN

was so different from the world I feel like we are in now that it made me wonder how much of that is just ME post mental break (or whatever)

I don't want to be stressful 

I'm going through some

CHANGES

but I 

am UP to them, I think

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

more tarot thoughts

I was thinking about 

the moon

the sun

the star

I feel resistant to give them 

SYSTEMS

I'm not sure 

WHY

the moon could easily be 

the sub-conscious

or something 

the sun

could be something to do with happiness 

although that seems asymmetrical 

in a place that feels like it

WOULD BE

symmetrical 

the star is like -- hope/dreams for the future

THAT

FEELS 

personal

I feel weird about a system 

although it could be

of course

I KEEP wanting 

STRENGTH

to be an OCTOPUS -- maybe because eight

or I don't KNOW why

I don't think I can make a good case for it

I still KINDA want 

the foot and LEGO 

although I think the devil is about

being trapped in 

addiction 

or limiting beliefs 

not feeling in control maybe 

when you have a strong 

NEED to CONTROL 

the tower

I had some idea -- which I'm remembering as being really different somehow 

because of

the

PORTALS 

I can't remember 

I'm really not happy -- how did I not write it down 

the hanged man

I like to think

is a shamanic thing

BUT 

it's just as legitimately WAITING 

surrendering to a situation 

where you have limited

CONTROL 

maybe even seeing things from a new perspective 

I feel like I might not know the whole story 

on the hanged man 

sprouting idea

I LIKE sunflower sprouts 

& I just found this 

RECIPE for

CRACKERS made from LENTILS 

& if those are good 

I could do a goat cheese

topped with sunflower sprouts 

& it would be SUPER healthy 

NOW

I'm not great at growing things

I'm CONFIDENT I CAN 

grow radish sprouts 

I'm pretty sure I 

have the jar

sunflower sprouts are a little trickier

probably not that tricky 

I've always thought 

it was too much trouble 

BUT 

I've got this WHOLE fantasy 

about living off grid -- growing my own food

I decided 

it would be a really useful thing 

it have a steady supply of 

sunflower sprouts 

& if I can do that 

it has a bunch of benefits 

& is a baby step to the growing your own food

supplies cannot be found reliably

unless it's at a farmer's market 

& those have multiplied

over the years 

there are three or four that are close-ish to me

I haven't been to any since at least 

pre-pandemic

BUT 

even if they were available 

at adventuresome

LOCATION 

GROW 

how am I not good with plants

sprouts have directions -- rinse twice a day

FOOD 

goodnight sweetheart

HEY

I don't know 

whether I'm CRAZY or sane

& I don't know 

HOW 

MUCH of what I think I know is a projection

BUT I am standing HERE 

LISTENING 

to the

RAIN

& I

FEEL you MOVE through me

additional thoughts

I had got myself distracted 

MAYBE 

with alligators

the IDEA of

being comfortable 

with alligators 

just out in a boat

FISHING 

and

the bridge 

and

key largo 

for some reason 

although 

it doesn't seem like the right geography 

for some reason 

still

streaming consciousness

I hear thunder

maybe 

it will rain

again

I was ALSO thinking 

if you were gonna tie each card

to some system

or whatever 

WHAT about judgement 

I feel like I don't have 

or didn't HAVE 

NOW

maybe I DO have 

it's tied to the concept 

of the bodies popping up at the trumpet call

THAT 

ALWAYS really turned me OFF 

& the meaning never would 

really STICK

BUT 

it's about 

the PHOENIX energy 

NEW

SO

then HOW is that DIFFERENT from the ENSO

BECAUSE 

ya STILL got the WORLD

& MAYBE 

it's back to the gnostic IDEA of remembering 

I contain the DIVINE SPARK 

BUT 

what SYSTEM does THAT -- oh wait, I SEE

you're bringing this up 

BECAUSE 

you think it ties into 

the IDEA I said 

I LIKED -- for something, when I had it, so now?

CIRCUS GNOSIS 

I don't KNOW I'm not sure HOW it fits

it doesn't SOUND great

if ya say it aloud

I DO LIKE 

the way it looks

MAYBE 

it just reminds us of 

IF I RAN the CIRCUS -- for sure it's a little that

BUT 

is there a system that takes you through 

a kind of de-programming

is that necessarily a 

SPIRITUAL process -- I WANT to say it is

if you go to a tony robbins seminar & get inspired are you any less feeling the spark

I'm not sure 

OR

is it NOT a PROCESS specifically NOT 

is it the

JUMP

THAT SEEMS RIGHT 

it's the POINT where YOU interface MAYBE 

AND THEN 

you go through to the WORLD 

OH

I JUST got it

the HERMIT 

GENIUS 

brain chatter really

I'm having this

RECURRING 

something 

where I'm LIKE 

& I think I've tried to describe it before 

I feel like it's important 

MAYBE 

it's psychic 

BALLAST

something about 

HOW 

everything was okay at any point in the past

HOW 

everything organized itself 

there's a BIG picture 

& then there's the little picture 

& sometimes the bigger picture 

isn't all that obvious to the

day to day

HOW did that WORK again

I slept and I felt like I was working things out

BUT 

I've got so MUCH work to do 

I'm looking at myself 

SO 

I guess I'm dealing with the body image issues 

skincare is, once again, hitting it out of the park

mvp product --  ma:nyo bifida ampoule mist

in my defense 

the spokes for the BODY management 

I SEE -- ONE department -- please continue 

LENTILS 

excuse me WHAT does LENTILS mean 

they are SOME KIND of MAGIC

VERY healthful

I think there's a slipperiness about what people really care about in your mind and you wonder if whatever you have to say only has meaning for you and there's a core part of you that knows some people want to know things that are grounded in the real world and it's good to try to touch the real world and this is another part of the psychic ballast

LENTILS 

digest better than just about anything else 

you can make them into anything 

nutrient dense

cheap

headache slept till a couple hours ago

RAIN

well

I think it's 

MORE my romanticized version 

than actually quantum entanglement 

thoughts

I mean I guess I'm KINDA half doing it

my original thought

for the lover's card had the chakras 

but then

I drew my quantum entanglement 

PORTAL

& I thought maybe it was TOO much 

BUT 

since I'm the ONLY one who will 

I'm still don't really want 

to add a bunch more RINGS 

& the high priestess 

has sacred geometry 

SO

I'm half doing it

SEE

am I even making any sense here

the thing I was talking about was the

DESIRE to make

every card correspond to a system 

or at LEAST a KEY 

CONCEPT 

QUANTUM entanglement 

I'm going through them like steps

beginner's mind -- the fool

magic*  -- the magician

*like that first step where you take the material elements & you use them as tools to create the world or operate upon it

sacred geometry -- the high priestess

not sure on three

it needs to be

RIGHT 

the emperor 

I think of

POWER 

& mastery over the environment 

& I also think of the DIVINE masculine 

& FATHERHOOD 

talk-y talk

after I did the book of five rings 

I kinda want the all to be that way

& I wasn't prepared to do that 

it wasn't the plan at all

AND

I go back and forth between 

this hand drawn

or slicker more graphic images

I want to think this through 

I have always wanted to do a tarot deck

& I'm ALSO 

WORKING through 

STUFF 

I'm trying to FEEL my feelings 

the outside world

is outside world-ing

I am trying to untangle this angry reel I heard earlier 

MAYBE 

the reason I'm having trouble 

is that I'm not really 

a democrat 

I just vote for them because I'm ANTI- republican 

I really like jasmine crockett

BUT 

I was already 

in the fight

I WANT for us NOT to be a two party system

& I WANT candidates that have a 

MESSAGE 

a particular type of message

& it does look like

the Republicans cut themselves tightly 

& counted on hispanics

being permanent 

IN SPITE of the ABUSE 

the republican run off is gonna be

UGLY 

& I really hope that just turns people against

BOTH

of them

the sheer number of democratic ballots

pattern indicates 

democrats

heavily favored to win in November

paxton is SO checkered

BUT 

maga loves him

& he's neck & neck with cornyn

BUT 

as a consequence of listening to this reel

I was LIKE 

how many women have been

texas senators

I'm LIKE 

barbara jordon wasn't a senator 

WAS she

NO

kay bailey hutchinson is the ONLY one 

idea about barbed wire

I was playing around with the 

IDEA of the devil

I like the idea

of the

bindweed

from the gaian tarot

SO

I had this barbed wire thought

i think this visually isn't quite doing it

HA HA

I just got an image of a FOOT

STEPPING 

on a LEGO 

high priestess & lovers card thoughts

I think the high priestess 

is going to be

a sacred geometry shape

moving between two crescent portals

the empress

I'm not sure yet

the emperor 

I'm toying with a fist

BUT 

that might be TOO aggressive 

the lovers

I don't want to do a cute thing

I am playing with 

i'm trying to get something 

that has an organic 

flowing shapes

both in and out of the portal

BUT 

I'm not sure if it 

READS

as connected 

I really am liking it 

I just don't know if it only read to me

check in march 5th/6th

I pretty much thought all day

BUT 

I guess I didn't 

SAY 

anything 

I'm trying to figure out 

HOW to represent 

the high priestess

the empress

the emperor 

& the lovers

I remembered that I have to figure out

the court cards

I thought about 

krusty gnome

I thought about my mom 

I found a comedian I never heard of that I really like & he seems so calm -- jo koy*

*possibly it's all one word

I thought about 

regime change & corruption 

& my central nervous system 

I thought about you 

& how you're doing 

I'm going to try to sleep now 

I'm doing ok 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

more tarot

I don't think I told you my 

CONCEPT 

with the TUMBLEWEEDS 

it's like they're coming up on ya

tumble dee 

& tumble dum -- what's it gonna be

all attitude-y 

it's still a little blurry

I'm thinking 

collage

BUT 

I'm uncertain 

I'd KINDA 

like to stick with black & white

I like how the big manga pen looks

BUT THEN

I liked the look of the fountain pen too

& ALSO 

I don't think it'll look great in manga pen

MAYBE 

the next size smaller

I really like those

PIGMA SENSEI 

I also thought the FOOL originally 

that japanese calligraphy 

what's it called 

ENSO

that was my more complicated version

with big manga pen

the FIREBALLS 

are 

whirling around

FULL of ENERGY

the two of fireballs is -- pick me. pick me.

then the badges are more static 

BUT 

they've got the 

oracular feature

& will have much MORE visual

& RAINDROPS

I'm trying to get an emotional VIBE 

& I'm not quite there

I'm experimenting 

I keep wanting 

it to be

in color

I found a blank cards on eBay

I want to get some kinda

workable sample

so I can test 

HOW 

it WORKS

it is entirely possible that I've made it

TOO literal

& then I'm trying to make the RAINDROPS 

TOO esoteric

a raindrop with a sprouted plant refected inside 

two raindrops 

INTERSECTING

maybe with a rose reflecting inside 

but maybe that's too much 

three I'm not sure yet

four are dripping into a bowl, I think 

five is some kind of representation of flooding 

if I can figure out

HOW 

seven I'm THINKING of

that Escher print

where the birds turn into fish

& then you try to spot

WHERE 

HOW 

that connects with 

RAINDROPS 

eight has an umbrella 

nine is a rainbow made of raindrops 

ten is the water cycle -- which SEEMS TOO MUCH 

I skipped six

I wonder if that's significant 

six is WATCHING rain

through the window 

maybe there's a garden, maybe that isn't necessary 

and the court cards

I didn't even THINK about 

that's a BIG chunk

f*CK

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts about five

this is an IDEA 

rather than the high priest

which is tradition 

FIVE

if the fives are

about 

struggle against obstacles 

in one way or another

why is their archetype tradition 

WHY isn't it 

BOOK of FIVE RINGS

these are pretty rough -- probably rougher than it'll end up

The FOOL

the MAGICIAN

thoughts february 4th

it's been an interesting day 

that was the nicest interaction 

I've ever had

with a police officer 

THAT 

was KINDA surreal 

I worked at a coffee shop

I liked to shoot the breeze with a guy we called

BOSTON COP*

*I wasn't born a f*ckin cop

gigi's dad was a police detective 

I have actually had a traumatic experience 

with a cop

I've had slightly scary 

I've had very unpleasant 

I've had oh my god wtf

BUT 

most of what I've had is

there are only so many reasons you want to do

that job

& if you started out with good ones

how'd that go

BUT 

this one was

youngish

nice

& in an information gathering mode, afterall

check in february 4th

I just had 

a very nice police officer 

banging on my door 

trying to find out 

if I knew where my mom was

& if I wanted to come get her stuff 

I explained 

the narcissistic abuse break

how I had no place to put her stuff 

& didn't really think it was appropriate for me to 

take it even if I did

BUT 

I did tell her 

the last known whereabouts 

& made sure she had 

the right name

SO

THAT

was exciting

can't sleep a regular schedule

I didn't sleep 

the MORE 

I think about it 

the MORE 

I think your last one

is ACTUALLY 

GENIUS 

or

I've entered some new 

level of reading 

too much 

into to

things

which we all know I'm prone to 

I think 

it's you are genius 

I'm lucky to know you 

goodnight sweetheart here's a creepy angel

I was thinking about the chariot

& I had this IDEA about

wheels within wheels 

& angels

BUT 

this might be too weird 

we don't need no stinkin badges

OK

NOT medals

BADGES

if this works 

it makes it KINDA a combo

of a tarot & Oracle deck

LIKE 

ace -- YES!

two -- a yin yang symbol & juggling award

three -- unity & work & something I'm not sure of 

four -- NO! & whatever, not sure yet

five -- MAYBE 

six -- stronger together 

seven -- wait & see, LOOK, crossing guard, etc

eight -- do the work 

nine -- all access

ten -- YOU WON!

I think I'm doing much better

I'm going to sleep now 

I didn't tell you what happened today 

BUT 

it was a good day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

THOUGHTS & IDEAS

was it tony orlando and dawn 

who sang 

tie a yellow ribbon 

I've got that in my HEAD today 

& ANITA HILL

AND

I WANT to write an ESSAY 

ABOUT HOW 

I FEEL 

or not exactly how I feel, but what I think

or not exactly what I think, but how I think it feelingly-ish

AND

I have this IDEA brewing for this 

maybe MINIMALIST tarot

not really minimal 

BASED around

PORTALS

or

CIRCLES

KINDA

simple raw images

BUT 

THEN 

I start thinking

if I used

the

PSYCHO TUMBLEWEEDS -- as the AIR element 

you could get another CIRCLE in there

could I make that work 

AIR

is the more troublesome 

it's MOSTLY about

CHALLENGES

in the

PIPS

I might could make that work 

BUT 

what kinda circle can we get for FIRE, oh immediately 

CAR LIGHTER -- heater element 

I mean visually 

it'd be cool 

it's seems 

KINDA

insane when you start trying to tell stories 

oooo

what about 

SUNS it's a little WHACK but it could work

I've seen moons done

NOT so well as to be an endorsement 

as such

I MEAN 

TUMBLEWEEDS 

& FIREBALLS 

RAINDROPS 

oooooo

& MEDALS

medals could be cheeky

or it could be 

Applebee's 

which is my

shorthand 

for

like the LEAST of an expression of TYPE

I went to all those chains

bennigans

TGIFriday's

& metals could go wrong like that

WORTH a TRY though

I dragged a table and stool onto the stoop so I could drink my coffee in the sun

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

even in this WHACK world 

I watched this new 

channel guy

& he SEEMED to be describing us

in a lot of ways

BUT 

of course I'm not sure about what's going on with you right now 

he said 

you were going through a 

HERMIT phase

that was enriching you greatly

that it was something you

MAYBE had avoided 

in your life before 

BUT 

NOW

it was bringing you just what you need

& you were pretty into it 

& that it was in some ways 

inspired by my recent struggles 

& in other ways

the THING 

that's needed to bring us together 

the channeled message as a real thing 

IDK about but I tend to think they are

at least a synchronicity thing

& the part about me was

supporting to me

BUT 

I don't really feel like I can

project my journey 

ONTO you

SO

if you're doing a HERMIT thing 

then I hope it's going great

& if you're not 

I hope whatever you ARE doing is going great

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

the better check in

I'm still experiencing the world as

STRANGE 

& I'm still FEELING emotions

BUT 

ALSO

I'm still doing SOME shadow integration 

I'm noticing my BODY de-escalating 

& MOSTLY 

I'm trying to FEEL -- I keep forgetting the WORD 

SOVEREIGNTY 

& it's a little bit jarring 

because I just WAS

tapping my chest

LIKE 

along my collar bone

TELLING 

myself -- you're SAFE now

BUT NOW 

I'm NEEDING to FEEL this NEW THING that I'm not AT ALL even SURE I understand 

& there are different ways to do it, probably 

& MAYBE 

I DID understand 

BUT 

from a different framework 

& NOW

it seems like something completely different 

I'm serious about it 

& I heard something on a cchannelledd*

message

which I'm now using 

as an abbreviation for the whole process 

what the message said -- the universe is lining it all up for you and it needs you to

DECIDE FASTER 

BUT 

not like

HURRY 

LIKE 

ENGAGE with your DESIRES

OR

what do you think you want 

what do you like

what would you

ENJOY 

maybe I'm not conveying this well

there's this state I'm trying to get to

where the desire to eat delicious food 

& the desire to have a fit body

have a conversation 

reach an agreement 

meet on some kind of rational ground

& the f*CKed UP scripts can all be burned

I am being kind to myself 

BUT 

I'm ALSO

EXPECTING -- LEVEL UP

*these words make me mad

check in

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I want to ASK

WHEN 

do we get regime change 

I'm feeling 

STABLE 

but

not outside the state of flux

if THAT makes ANY sense 

march 1st

I'm going to try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

snakes that aren't snakes

DUDE 

I was feeling better 

& I started thinking about the world 

& that brought me to a 

STRANGE place 

the world feels strange

I FEEL like I should KNOW 

WHAT the DREAM 

MEANS

it was SO STRONG and I had it earlier 

in the course of the 

SLEEP 

REMEMBERED it

THROUGH 

I'm pretty SURE 

OTHER DREAMS 

which 

I DON'T remember 

THAT 

has GOT to MEAN -- I thought it was 

well, I mean, I guess it could just be memorable 

BUT 

the way MY MIND works 

I'm LOOKING for 

MEANING 

it was SO REAL -- it looked just like a snake

the shape 

of the HEAD was 

SO 

realistic 

it was moving it's head around in a kind of 

MESMERIZING 

way

BUT 

if you followed the body upwards 

it was clearly 

NOT 

a snake

although, honestly, not necessarily a 

CATERPILLAR 

clamped it's MOUTH to this

SKINNY little 

TREE

the KIND

that MIGHT pop UP in your 
YARD

without your really noticing 

was it in a

YARD

I don't THINK so 

it was MORE 

LIKE 

a NATURE documentary 

with GOOD camera

SHARP

hi def

it was

as I SAID -- mesmerizing 

& I've seen THINGS similar enough to KNOW 

they're NEVER as REALISTIC as ALL THAT 

which was primarily 

WHAT MADE it -- mesmerizing 

strange dream

I suspect I had a lot of dreams 

BUT 

the ONLY one that I remember is 

there was this

CATERPILLAR 

it LOOKED like a 

SNAKE

it's tail was the snake's head

& it attached itself to 

a small tree 

(sappling?)

& was lashing itself about 

SHOWING 

all it's movement and gyrations 

& it was COMPLETELY convincing 

as a SNAKE

💯 percent 

I looked it up now that I'm awake 

my dream was MUCH MORE realistic than 

these caterpillars are IRL 

the real ones are good 

BUT 

birds have an instinctual aversion to snake shapes -- even if they were raised in captivity and don't have ANY experience with snakes

I'm not sure what that means 

is it related to 

ILLUSION 

or CAMOUFLAGE 

or SURVIVAL 

or things that LOOK like SNAKES

I LOVE you VERY much

goodnight sweetheart 

I think I'm doing better 

thoughts about gnosticism

in the gnostic worldview 

one of the pieces of g*d (essentially)

WISDOM 

went off to think her own thoughts*

*not supposed to do that

& thoughts create things I guess 

SO 

there was an oopsie

she created a 

FLAWED PIECE of g*d

this flawed piece of g*d

is the jealous g*d that we all know 

& it got right to creating it's OWN STUFF 

the reason there are TWO creation stories 

the FIRST created an ANDROGENE that was in the

IMAGE of g*d

BUT 

it wasn't animated 

SO

it did it again & blew life into it

& THAT WORKED

because 

it put the SPARK of life into the body 

THAT SPARK 

was from the DIVINE spark

that came from the true g*d

& so all of humanity was originally DIVINE 

& PART of the true g*d

BUT 

Yaldabaoth (the FLAWED g*d)

didn't WANT the human to 

KNOW it's divinity

created a flesh vessel for the female part of the

new human soul

& THEN

when WISDOM whispered to eve

about the divinity (or something)

Yaldabaoth decided to

RAPE her 

to put her in her place

& the spirit 

left her BODY and went into the SNAKE

SO

eve's BODY 

was RAPED 

by Yaldabaoth 

CAIN & ABLE 

were the product of that rape

& THEY

had NO SPARK because 

EVE's SOUL SPARK

was not present 

I don't GUESS eve's SOUL SPARK re-entered her BODY (although I'm not sure that's right)

BUT 

ADAM & EVE

did have additional children

SETH & NOREA

NOREA is born some kind of special SPOKESMAN for the true g*d to go forth through time

REMINDING people of their

DIVINE spark 

AND

the message in that beginning of time scenario 

is LIKE -- WISDOM had an oopsie

--- we're WORKING on it, hang in there ---

Yaldabaoth and his angels? demons? capos?

go around causing a bunch of sh*t

that daughters of earth & son's of heaven stuff

which eventually leads Yaldabaoth to get

fed up with people 

& seek to destroy them in the flood

BUT 

NOREA communicates with people 

& manages to save some

BUT 

people have a REALLY HARD time 

REMEMBERING their divinity

SO

the true g*d &/or NOREA

sends jesus

&

he tries

BUT 

the people don't 

MOSTLY 

seem to understand the message 

which is

LIVE in this WORLD as a PASSERSBY 

the things of this world are 

BROKEN 

& if you treat them like they are important 

they will lead you astray

you will NOT develop 

your SOUL SPARK

& will die and 

be LOST in

the false

WORLD

AGAIN 

they are like STILL WORKING on the PLAN

to get us hooked back up to the 

REAL WORLD 

BUT 

the ONLY part of you that can go

is the soul spark

there are a couple more gospels

THOMAS

which COULD be based on 

ORAL traditions 

doesn't contain the 

STORY ARC

that the other gospels do

it ONLY contains 

LESSONS 

it is NOT specifically gnostic 

because it doesn't contain all the stories of the 

true g*d & Yaldabaoth 

WISDOM & NOREA

BUT 

it has lessons 

which are cryptic 

& consistent with 

the don't mix too much with the world message

I'm pretty sure that's not the end of it

BUT that's where I've gotten to 

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

you're the best

slightly incoherent ramblings

I wanted the light seer's tarot

HAVE BEEN wanting it

& I decided 

that this 

is one of those points where 

THINGS 

are just different enough to 

WARRANT 

NEW

I decided I'd look to see if it was available in a

LOT on ebay USED 

& I found one

with a total

of four

DECKS

one of them is called 

FORREST of ENCHANTMENT tarot

it's tiny

& CUTE 

but it's really friendly 

& it says you are

SUPER WORRIED 

about ME 

& I'm LIKE 

yeah

I'm not exactly 

NOT 

worried about me 

I'm in the changing into phase

BUT 

I'm confident 

I'm healing in the right direction 

I haven't escaped all the thought patterns yet

& I guess maybe that's why 

I turned to gnosticism 

it's got such an elaborate 

I'm not ready to 

BANG it out

it's not really 

THAT interesting 

EXCEPT 

in a kind of a 

WEIRD way

& I keep bringing it up 

I guess there's a reason for that 

I THINK I want to write 

SOMETHING 

about it

GENESIS 

there was this like zeitgeist-y vibe 

it was in the gnostic christian writing 

BUT 

it was ALSO in

the aramaic translations 

for non-hebrew speakers 

the genesis was

UPDATED 

I don't remember the exact points of overlap 

BUT 

the IDEA of this 

zeitgeist-y 

VIBE

which I think ultimately was the influence of 

greek philosophical influence 

something about 

the FORMS 

though

update

well

there was a message from the hospital 

& she's been sent back to 

the skilled nursing facility 

which also has

an assisted living situation 

I called them once when they called and said she was going to the hospital 

& I was maybe not

super coherent

& I just talked to a desk person 

NOT the social worker 

who wasn't there 

SO

I'll MAYBE call there tomorrow I guess 

I have a headache 

BUT 

being away from her entirely 

for slightly less than a month 

& eighty percent of my body pain has gone

thought forms & emotional balance

I've been trying to 

THINK 

NEW

thoughts

I've been researching 

the GNOSTICS

I studied them some in college 

ANTH of WOMEN 

-- I think 

I found this great course on gnosticism 

I had forgotten some 

& SOME is new to me, but 

SO MUCH 

new CONTEXT

it's interesting 

I get distracted by my thoughts 

which will TEND to 

WANDER

I'm going for 

NOT LOOPing

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much 

early voting

I early voted

at

what used to be HCC*

& is NOW**

*houston community college 

**houston city college 

newly enough that it's a 

BANNER 

it's KINDA a fun

building to walk through 

I think it's got to do with the lighting

BUT 

there's something about the spaces

there's a WAY

it seems

institutional

at other points

it seems

like it MIGHT be a METRO station

there are hanging giant pictures 

of students, maybe 

OR

possibly teachers

there's no context

west alabama ice house

I went to west alabama ice house 

it's been there since

nineteen twenty-eight 

I've always wanted to go there

I have lived and worked 

within walking distance 

MULTIPLE times 

TODAY 

I went there

I think there may have been 

some renovations 

recently 

BUT 

it's awesome 

& they had big screens 

with baseball 

SPRING TRAINING 

it looked SO BRIGHT there

SEA v LA

it looked like arizona bright

BUT 

I don't have which teams are in arizona 

I'll have to look it up

I had thought 

MAYBE 

I could do pick up tarot readings

when I was in austin 

they had a sign in the hotel

coming soon

TAROT readings

& I thought 

HOW 

can I MORE connect

with the whole 

intuitive thing & human interaction thing

& MAYBE even community connection-ish

there weren't many people there

& they were pretty into the people they were with

BUT 

I connected with the place

& I like it

it feels like a 

SECRET 

goodnight sweetheart, I LOVE you VERY much

OK

I'm not sure whether I can explain everything 

I kept circling and looping 

& I'm LIKE 

I've made my decisions 

WHY am I STILL 

CIRCLING 

& I was LIKE 

BECAUSE 

I'm just

passively waiting & hoping it's gonna work out 

BUT 

I NEED to ACTIVELY DO 

something 

the place she was kept calling me 

& then they said the twenty fourth 

WHAT do you want to DO

SO

I was LIKE 

I need to CALL 

BUT 

she got sent BACK to the hospital 

for shortness of breath 

austensibly 

BUT 

probably really to get her off their hands

SO

the hospital called me 

I SAID 

we have a history of narcissistic abuse 

& she broke the relationship 

she's my mother

& I care

BUT 

I can't really be involved 

& the doctor said 

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY 

I will make sure they don't 

BOTHER you 

I can't express to you 

HOW 

that made me 

FEEL 

the anxiety is GONE 

BUT the FEELS

not so much 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm not 

FUNNER

sh*t's been 

FOCUSED

MAYBE 

existential 

I'm processing LIKE processing LIKE processing 

BUT not 

SPIRALING loop

& I wish I'd had the forethought or gunption

to reUP tequila 

BUT 

my body is all cracking & popping

like it's RELEASING 

check in whatever day this is -- saturday

I just read yesterday's post

I had a journey 

overnight

&

TODAY 

& I'm voting monday

BUT 

I'm not ready to talk about 

what happened 

TAROT, man

& MBTI

check in

I'm having trouble getting through all the people on the ballot 

SO

I'm going to vote

tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm all 

not talk-y

I am 

having 

emotions

about

STUFF & I just can't seem to be 

NORMAL 

it's nothing to do with you

it's my stuff

BUT 

I'm just not able to 

be normal right now 

maybe I didn't talk yesterday

I don't think I talked yesterday 

I'm sorry 

I'm in a weird mood 

I'm taking the cat to the vet

& early voting 

today

hopefully I'll be sociable later

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶

february 18th

I'm getting a bunch of calls

I had decided not to

listen to them

TODAY 

I decided 

to STICK to THAT 

BUT 

I also had a headache 

& I decided not to go to work club

I was KINDA off

probably on a spiraling loop

BUT -- low key

I'm not quite where I'd like to be

SANITY wise

& I couldn't articulate 

I FEEL too MUCH to feel like I can LET myself feel 

I'm noticing that I'm not feeling 

ANGER

which would be appropriate 

SO

I think I must have THAT just 

SHUT DOWN 

the pink and green

touched me 

somehow 

& I thought about guantanamo*

*I feel like I should say something else after that but I don't know what else to say

more thoughts -- goodnight sweetheart

I have 

BLUES BROTHERS -- soul man

stuck in my 

HEAD 

I'm not sure what I'm saying to myself 

I LOVED 

saturday night live 

those early seasons 

& I was young enough that you'd think I wouldn't 

be staying up

LATE 

BUT 

I was ALWAYS a nite owl

& I MEAN 

the blues brothers were also 

on a mission from g*d

I watched the midnight special too

at least some of it

I think monty python 

was in there somewhere -- I can't remember 

BUT 

THAT I ALSO LOVED

my father said he didn't like british humor 

--- too dry

BUT 

I liked monty python 

I didn't like

benny hill

thoughts

jesse jackson 

was the first person I ever voted for

I guess I voted before work 

I have this image 

in my HEAD 

being in the break room

at bookstop

I was just looking at the sign yesterday 

work club

is across the street from

where bookstop was

& I was just looking at it

the neon on the outside movie theater sign

it WAS red

NOW

it's white

& I imagine it has to do with 

COST

repairing the old sign

& isn't neon

going RARE 

I'm sure it was red when I was there LAST

BUT that was LIKE november 

it looked good all new & whatnot

BUT 

it disturbed me 

TOO

then I LOOKED when the Uber drove by

& CACTUS* 🌵 is gone

*records

notes February 16/17th

I went to work club

I missed work club

I'm not doing the empathy engine 

any more

something about my

experience with 

the narcissist 

makes me 

THINK 

that's not gonna work 

SO

I'm thinking all these thoughts 

& suddenly 

I'm LIKE 

I need questions 

I guess like to pull out personality stuff 

WHAT would you do if you KNEW

you COULDN'T FAIL

I've always had trouble with that

BUT 

TODAY 

I came RIGHT back

BUY a LOTTERY ticket 

I don't know whether to think

that's BAD 

I MEAN 

I think the point is 

PICK a THING 

BUT 

then I had this

thing come down the

channelTube

the UNIVERSE needs you to DECIDE FASTER

SO

maybe 

I was thinking a hundred million dollars would facilitate multiple things I'd like to 

ACCOMPLISH

I didn't buy one YET though

I've been thinking about a thing my mom said

back at the beginning 

I'm just trying to keep myself alive 

without killing you 

as lived experience 

it SEEMED like a 

LINE

BUT 

out of context

I KINDA like it 

I'm maybe gonna use it

SOMEHOW 

trip notes

it occurs to me that I didn't tell you about that Boston trip

when I went to live with my mom 

she put me in this weird private school 

that was across the street 

the owner asked me 

towards the end of the school year 

where I was going on summer vacation 

& I told her there wasn't a summer vacation 

because THAT is what my mom had said

spent that money on tuition 

mrs. J the owner SAID 

oh, come with us 

we're going back to my mom's for vacation 

I didn't want to 

I didn't want to be that up close and personal 

with the woman who ran the school 

BUT 

my mom made it CLEAR 

SHE thought it was a good opportunity 

& if I didn't 

SHE would make SURE 

I regretted it 

SO

I went 

& I saw some battleship 

because her son was

into that kinda stuff 

mystic seaport

stirbridge village

the liberty bell

newport mansions

& since I had had this "great opportunity"

my gran gran and aunt joan and my mom

ALL gave me money to spend 

& we saw the mayflower and I'm all LIKE 

I think this is the one I'm related to 

I was LIKE eleven 

BUT 

THAT was a BIG mistake 

because they were portuguese 

& there's a whole cultural 

thing in that area

that I was unaware of 

& I think I must have said some things

that I got from some adult 

probably my mom

that gave her

SOME IDEA

that I was

ELITE 

or something 

in my pathetic hand me down polyester double knit pants

& my total inability to do

being around people 

properly

I think I said something about 

they'd sell the mansions

if you waved enough 

MONEY at 'em

I knocked over a drink at dinner 

because my table manners 

we're apparently 

SHOCKING 

& I put my drink on the wrong side 

I had trouble for the rest of my time at that school just like I thought I would 

& I'm not really sure 

WHY

SO

it was just another case of

I wish I'd listened to myself instead of my mom

BUT 

I DID get the trip

& I was gonna have trouble either way

THAT was ALSO 

the trip where I met red jasper

I was on a seashore somewhere 

that was rock instead of sand

I picked it up

the piece of red jasper 

& it spoke to me

I can't remember what it said 

BUT 

it was a strong connection 

movie notes

I watched 

borg vs mcenroe 

I thought as a film it was pretty amazing 

I'm not sure whether it

REALLY 

captured

THEM

I don't really 

REMEMBER what they were like

from any sort of personal 

MEMORY 

I remember having an awareness of them

more mcenroe 

I had much MORE awareness of 

billie jean king

and then later martina 

I've never really understood tennis 

I've TRIED I'm not sure what the problem is 

when I'm watching a game 

I can get a lot of what's 

HAPPENING 

from the

ENERGY 

but I just can't seem to make my brain 

absorb whatever it is

BUT 

I WANT to understand it

OR maybe I don't really 

BUT 

I think I do

and anyway I wanted to understand mcenroe 

what I remember of him as a kid

I don't think the angry thing

I think all that kind of 

HOW TRANSGRESSIVE

that WAS

I think that was LOST on ME 

I think I thought everybody thought he was

KINDA excitingly dramatic 

I REALLY liked the pacing of the film

& the way the different worlds

we're realized

the scene where borg is at

STUDIO 54

& everything in the world is going on 

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

he is completely not part of any of it

but almost in a psychedelic way 

or something 

I MEAN 

I resonated with THAT 

BUT 

I feel like maybe I didn't get 

an equally strong 

MOMENT with 

mcenroe 

I wanted the wall writing to be that

BUT 

it wasn't quite 

& I have a hard time 

imagining 

that you haven't seen it

I enjoyed it 

BUT 

not as much as I could potentially have 

if I just had a better understanding 

although sometimes 

that can go the other way