I think I'm doing much better

I'm going to sleep now 

I didn't tell you what happened today 

BUT 

it was a good day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

THOUGHTS & IDEAS

was it tony orlando and dawn 

who sang 

tie a yellow ribbon 

I've got that in my HEAD today 

& ANITA HILL

AND

I WANT to write an ESSAY 

ABOUT HOW 

I FEEL 

or not exactly how I feel, but what I think

or not exactly what I think, but how I think it feelingly-ish

AND

I have this IDEA brewing for this 

maybe MINIMALIST tarot

not really minimal 

BASED around

PORTALS

or

CIRCLES

KINDA

simple raw images

BUT 

THEN 

I start thinking

if I used

the

PSYCHO TUMBLEWEEDS -- as the AIR element 

you could get another CIRCLE in there

could I make that work 

AIR

is the more troublesome 

it's MOSTLY about

CHALLENGES

in the

PIPS

I might could make that work 

BUT 

what kinda circle can we get for FIRE, oh immediately 

CAR LIGHTER -- heater element 

I mean visually 

it'd be cool 

it's seems 

KINDA

insane when you start trying to tell stories 

oooo

what about 

SUNS it's a little WHACK but it could work

I've seen moons done

NOT so well as to be an endorsement 

as such

I MEAN 

TUMBLEWEEDS 

& FIREBALLS 

RAINDROPS 

oooooo

& MEDALS

medals could be cheeky

or it could be 

Applebee's 

which is my

shorthand 

for

like the LEAST of an expression of TYPE

I went to all those chains

bennigans

TGIFriday's

& metals could go wrong like that

WORTH a TRY though

I dragged a table and stool onto the stoop so I could drink my coffee in the sun

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

even in this WHACK world 

I watched this new 

channel guy

& he SEEMED to be describing us

in a lot of ways

BUT 

of course I'm not sure about what's going on with you right now 

he said 

you were going through a 

HERMIT phase

that was enriching you greatly

that it was something you

MAYBE had avoided 

in your life before 

BUT 

NOW

it was bringing you just what you need

& you were pretty into it 

& that it was in some ways 

inspired by my recent struggles 

& in other ways

the THING 

that's needed to bring us together 

the channeled message as a real thing 

IDK about but I tend to think they are

at least a synchronicity thing

& the part about me was

supporting to me

BUT 

I don't really feel like I can

project my journey 

ONTO you

SO

if you're doing a HERMIT thing 

then I hope it's going great

& if you're not 

I hope whatever you ARE doing is going great

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

the better check in

I'm still experiencing the world as

STRANGE 

& I'm still FEELING emotions

BUT 

ALSO

I'm still doing SOME shadow integration 

I'm noticing my BODY de-escalating 

& MOSTLY 

I'm trying to FEEL -- I keep forgetting the WORD 

SOVEREIGNTY 

& it's a little bit jarring 

because I just WAS

tapping my chest

LIKE 

along my collar bone

TELLING 

myself -- you're SAFE now

BUT NOW 

I'm NEEDING to FEEL this NEW THING that I'm not AT ALL even SURE I understand 

& there are different ways to do it, probably 

& MAYBE 

I DID understand 

BUT 

from a different framework 

& NOW

it seems like something completely different 

I'm serious about it 

& I heard something on a cchannelledd*

message

which I'm now using 

as an abbreviation for the whole process 

what the message said -- the universe is lining it all up for you and it needs you to

DECIDE FASTER 

BUT 

not like

HURRY 

LIKE 

ENGAGE with your DESIRES

OR

what do you think you want 

what do you like

what would you

ENJOY 

maybe I'm not conveying this well

there's this state I'm trying to get to

where the desire to eat delicious food 

& the desire to have a fit body

have a conversation 

reach an agreement 

meet on some kind of rational ground

& the f*CKed UP scripts can all be burned

I am being kind to myself 

BUT 

I'm ALSO

EXPECTING -- LEVEL UP

*these words make me mad

check in

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I want to ASK

WHEN 

do we get regime change 

I'm feeling 

STABLE 

but

not outside the state of flux

if THAT makes ANY sense 

march 1st

I'm going to try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

snakes that aren't snakes

DUDE 

I was feeling better 

& I started thinking about the world 

& that brought me to a 

STRANGE place 

the world feels strange

I FEEL like I should KNOW 

WHAT the DREAM 

MEANS

it was SO STRONG and I had it earlier 

in the course of the 

SLEEP 

REMEMBERED it

THROUGH 

I'm pretty SURE 

OTHER DREAMS 

which 

I DON'T remember 

THAT 

has GOT to MEAN -- I thought it was 

well, I mean, I guess it could just be memorable 

BUT 

the way MY MIND works 

I'm LOOKING for 

MEANING 

it was SO REAL -- it looked just like a snake

the shape 

of the HEAD was 

SO 

realistic 

it was moving it's head around in a kind of 

MESMERIZING 

way

BUT 

if you followed the body upwards 

it was clearly 

NOT 

a snake

although, honestly, not necessarily a 

CATERPILLAR 

clamped it's MOUTH to this

SKINNY little 

TREE

the KIND

that MIGHT pop UP in your 
YARD

without your really noticing 

was it in a

YARD

I don't THINK so 

it was MORE 

LIKE 

a NATURE documentary 

with GOOD camera

SHARP

hi def

it was

as I SAID -- mesmerizing 

& I've seen THINGS similar enough to KNOW 

they're NEVER as REALISTIC as ALL THAT 

which was primarily 

WHAT MADE it -- mesmerizing 

strange dream

I suspect I had a lot of dreams 

BUT 

the ONLY one that I remember is 

there was this

CATERPILLAR 

it LOOKED like a 

SNAKE

it's tail was the snake's head

& it attached itself to 

a small tree 

(sappling?)

& was lashing itself about 

SHOWING 

all it's movement and gyrations 

& it was COMPLETELY convincing 

as a SNAKE

💯 percent 

I looked it up now that I'm awake 

my dream was MUCH MORE realistic than 

these caterpillars are IRL 

the real ones are good 

BUT 

birds have an instinctual aversion to snake shapes -- even if they were raised in captivity and don't have ANY experience with snakes

I'm not sure what that means 

is it related to 

ILLUSION 

or CAMOUFLAGE 

or SURVIVAL 

or things that LOOK like SNAKES

I LOVE you VERY much

goodnight sweetheart 

I think I'm doing better 

thoughts about gnosticism

in the gnostic worldview 

one of the pieces of g*d (essentially)

WISDOM 

went off to think her own thoughts*

*not supposed to do that

& thoughts create things I guess 

SO 

there was an oopsie

she created a 

FLAWED PIECE of g*d

this flawed piece of g*d

is the jealous g*d that we all know 

& it got right to creating it's OWN STUFF 

the reason there are TWO creation stories 

the FIRST created an ANDROGENE that was in the

IMAGE of g*d

BUT 

it wasn't animated 

SO

it did it again & blew life into it

& THAT WORKED

because 

it put the SPARK of life into the body 

THAT SPARK 

was from the DIVINE spark

that came from the true g*d

& so all of humanity was originally DIVINE 

& PART of the true g*d

BUT 

Yaldabaoth (the FLAWED g*d)

didn't WANT the human to 

KNOW it's divinity

created a flesh vessel for the female part of the

new human soul

& THEN

when WISDOM whispered to eve

about the divinity (or something)

Yaldabaoth decided to

RAPE her 

to put her in her place

& the spirit 

left her BODY and went into the SNAKE

SO

eve's BODY 

was RAPED 

by Yaldabaoth 

CAIN & ABLE 

were the product of that rape

& THEY

had NO SPARK because 

EVE's SOUL SPARK

was not present 

I don't GUESS eve's SOUL SPARK re-entered her BODY (although I'm not sure that's right)

BUT 

ADAM & EVE

did have additional children

SETH & NOREA

NOREA is born some kind of special SPOKESMAN for the true g*d to go forth through time

REMINDING people of their

DIVINE spark 

AND

the message in that beginning of time scenario 

is LIKE -- WISDOM had an oopsie

--- we're WORKING on it, hang in there ---

Yaldabaoth and his angels? demons? capos?

go around causing a bunch of sh*t

that daughters of earth & son's of heaven stuff

which eventually leads Yaldabaoth to get

fed up with people 

& seek to destroy them in the flood

BUT 

NOREA communicates with people 

& manages to save some

BUT 

people have a REALLY HARD time 

REMEMBERING their divinity

SO

the true g*d &/or NOREA

sends jesus

&

he tries

BUT 

the people don't 

MOSTLY 

seem to understand the message 

which is

LIVE in this WORLD as a PASSERSBY 

the things of this world are 

BROKEN 

& if you treat them like they are important 

they will lead you astray

you will NOT develop 

your SOUL SPARK

& will die and 

be LOST in

the false

WORLD

AGAIN 

they are like STILL WORKING on the PLAN

to get us hooked back up to the 

REAL WORLD 

BUT 

the ONLY part of you that can go

is the soul spark

there are a couple more gospels

THOMAS

which COULD be based on 

ORAL traditions 

doesn't contain the 

STORY ARC

that the other gospels do

it ONLY contains 

LESSONS 

it is NOT specifically gnostic 

because it doesn't contain all the stories of the 

true g*d & Yaldabaoth 

WISDOM & NOREA

BUT 

it has lessons 

which are cryptic 

& consistent with 

the don't mix too much with the world message

I'm pretty sure that's not the end of it

BUT that's where I've gotten to 

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

you're the best

slightly incoherent ramblings

I wanted the light seer's tarot

HAVE BEEN wanting it

& I decided 

that this 

is one of those points where 

THINGS 

are just different enough to 

WARRANT 

NEW

I decided I'd look to see if it was available in a

LOT on ebay USED 

& I found one

with a total

of four

DECKS

one of them is called 

FORREST of ENCHANTMENT tarot

it's tiny

& CUTE 

but it's really friendly 

& it says you are

SUPER WORRIED 

about ME 

& I'm LIKE 

yeah

I'm not exactly 

NOT 

worried about me 

I'm in the changing into phase

BUT 

I'm confident 

I'm healing in the right direction 

I haven't escaped all the thought patterns yet

& I guess maybe that's why 

I turned to gnosticism 

it's got such an elaborate 

I'm not ready to 

BANG it out

it's not really 

THAT interesting 

EXCEPT 

in a kind of a 

WEIRD way

& I keep bringing it up 

I guess there's a reason for that 

I THINK I want to write 

SOMETHING 

about it

GENESIS 

there was this like zeitgeist-y vibe 

it was in the gnostic christian writing 

BUT 

it was ALSO in

the aramaic translations 

for non-hebrew speakers 

the genesis was

UPDATED 

I don't remember the exact points of overlap 

BUT 

the IDEA of this 

zeitgeist-y 

VIBE

which I think ultimately was the influence of 

greek philosophical influence 

something about 

the FORMS 

though

update

well

there was a message from the hospital 

& she's been sent back to 

the skilled nursing facility 

which also has

an assisted living situation 

I called them once when they called and said she was going to the hospital 

& I was maybe not

super coherent

& I just talked to a desk person 

NOT the social worker 

who wasn't there 

SO

I'll MAYBE call there tomorrow I guess 

I have a headache 

BUT 

being away from her entirely 

for slightly less than a month 

& eighty percent of my body pain has gone

thought forms & emotional balance

I've been trying to 

THINK 

NEW

thoughts

I've been researching 

the GNOSTICS

I studied them some in college 

ANTH of WOMEN 

-- I think 

I found this great course on gnosticism 

I had forgotten some 

& SOME is new to me, but 

SO MUCH 

new CONTEXT

it's interesting 

I get distracted by my thoughts 

which will TEND to 

WANDER

I'm going for 

NOT LOOPing

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much 

early voting

I early voted

at

what used to be HCC*

& is NOW**

*houston community college 

**houston city college 

newly enough that it's a 

BANNER 

it's KINDA a fun

building to walk through 

I think it's got to do with the lighting

BUT 

there's something about the spaces

there's a WAY

it seems

institutional

at other points

it seems

like it MIGHT be a METRO station

there are hanging giant pictures 

of students, maybe 

OR

possibly teachers

there's no context

west alabama ice house

I went to west alabama ice house 

it's been there since

nineteen twenty-eight 

I've always wanted to go there

I have lived and worked 

within walking distance 

MULTIPLE times 

TODAY 

I went there

I think there may have been 

some renovations 

recently 

BUT 

it's awesome 

& they had big screens 

with baseball 

SPRING TRAINING 

it looked SO BRIGHT there

SEA v LA

it looked like arizona bright

BUT 

I don't have which teams are in arizona 

I'll have to look it up

I had thought 

MAYBE 

I could do pick up tarot readings

when I was in austin 

they had a sign in the hotel

coming soon

TAROT readings

& I thought 

HOW 

can I MORE connect

with the whole 

intuitive thing & human interaction thing

& MAYBE even community connection-ish

there weren't many people there

& they were pretty into the people they were with

BUT 

I connected with the place

& I like it

it feels like a 

SECRET 

goodnight sweetheart, I LOVE you VERY much

OK

I'm not sure whether I can explain everything 

I kept circling and looping 

& I'm LIKE 

I've made my decisions 

WHY am I STILL 

CIRCLING 

& I was LIKE 

BECAUSE 

I'm just

passively waiting & hoping it's gonna work out 

BUT 

I NEED to ACTIVELY DO 

something 

the place she was kept calling me 

& then they said the twenty fourth 

WHAT do you want to DO

SO

I was LIKE 

I need to CALL 

BUT 

she got sent BACK to the hospital 

for shortness of breath 

austensibly 

BUT 

probably really to get her off their hands

SO

the hospital called me 

I SAID 

we have a history of narcissistic abuse 

& she broke the relationship 

she's my mother

& I care

BUT 

I can't really be involved 

& the doctor said 

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY 

I will make sure they don't 

BOTHER you 

I can't express to you 

HOW 

that made me 

FEEL 

the anxiety is GONE 

BUT the FEELS

not so much 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm not 

FUNNER

sh*t's been 

FOCUSED

MAYBE 

existential 

I'm processing LIKE processing LIKE processing 

BUT not 

SPIRALING loop

& I wish I'd had the forethought or gunption

to reUP tequila 

BUT 

my body is all cracking & popping

like it's RELEASING 

check in whatever day this is -- saturday

I just read yesterday's post

I had a journey 

overnight

&

TODAY 

& I'm voting monday

BUT 

I'm not ready to talk about 

what happened 

TAROT, man

& MBTI

check in

I'm having trouble getting through all the people on the ballot 

SO

I'm going to vote

tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm all 

not talk-y

I am 

having 

emotions

about

STUFF & I just can't seem to be 

NORMAL 

it's nothing to do with you

it's my stuff

BUT 

I'm just not able to 

be normal right now 

maybe I didn't talk yesterday

I don't think I talked yesterday 

I'm sorry 

I'm in a weird mood 

I'm taking the cat to the vet

& early voting 

today

hopefully I'll be sociable later

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶

february 18th

I'm getting a bunch of calls

I had decided not to

listen to them

TODAY 

I decided 

to STICK to THAT 

BUT 

I also had a headache 

& I decided not to go to work club

I was KINDA off

probably on a spiraling loop

BUT -- low key

I'm not quite where I'd like to be

SANITY wise

& I couldn't articulate 

I FEEL too MUCH to feel like I can LET myself feel 

I'm noticing that I'm not feeling 

ANGER

which would be appropriate 

SO

I think I must have THAT just 

SHUT DOWN 

the pink and green

touched me 

somehow 

& I thought about guantanamo*

*I feel like I should say something else after that but I don't know what else to say

more thoughts -- goodnight sweetheart

I have 

BLUES BROTHERS -- soul man

stuck in my 

HEAD 

I'm not sure what I'm saying to myself 

I LOVED 

saturday night live 

those early seasons 

& I was young enough that you'd think I wouldn't 

be staying up

LATE 

BUT 

I was ALWAYS a nite owl

& I MEAN 

the blues brothers were also 

on a mission from g*d

I watched the midnight special too

at least some of it

I think monty python 

was in there somewhere -- I can't remember 

BUT 

THAT I ALSO LOVED

my father said he didn't like british humor 

--- too dry

BUT 

I liked monty python 

I didn't like

benny hill

thoughts

jesse jackson 

was the first person I ever voted for

I guess I voted before work 

I have this image 

in my HEAD 

being in the break room

at bookstop

I was just looking at the sign yesterday 

work club

is across the street from

where bookstop was

& I was just looking at it

the neon on the outside movie theater sign

it WAS red

NOW

it's white

& I imagine it has to do with 

COST

repairing the old sign

& isn't neon

going RARE 

I'm sure it was red when I was there LAST

BUT that was LIKE november 

it looked good all new & whatnot

BUT 

it disturbed me 

TOO

then I LOOKED when the Uber drove by

& CACTUS* 🌵 is gone

*records

notes February 16/17th

I went to work club

I missed work club

I'm not doing the empathy engine 

any more

something about my

experience with 

the narcissist 

makes me 

THINK 

that's not gonna work 

SO

I'm thinking all these thoughts 

& suddenly 

I'm LIKE 

I need questions 

I guess like to pull out personality stuff 

WHAT would you do if you KNEW

you COULDN'T FAIL

I've always had trouble with that

BUT 

TODAY 

I came RIGHT back

BUY a LOTTERY ticket 

I don't know whether to think

that's BAD 

I MEAN 

I think the point is 

PICK a THING 

BUT 

then I had this

thing come down the

channelTube

the UNIVERSE needs you to DECIDE FASTER

SO

maybe 

I was thinking a hundred million dollars would facilitate multiple things I'd like to 

ACCOMPLISH

I didn't buy one YET though

I've been thinking about a thing my mom said

back at the beginning 

I'm just trying to keep myself alive 

without killing you 

as lived experience 

it SEEMED like a 

LINE

BUT 

out of context

I KINDA like it 

I'm maybe gonna use it

SOMEHOW 

trip notes

it occurs to me that I didn't tell you about that Boston trip

when I went to live with my mom 

she put me in this weird private school 

that was across the street 

the owner asked me 

towards the end of the school year 

where I was going on summer vacation 

& I told her there wasn't a summer vacation 

because THAT is what my mom had said

spent that money on tuition 

mrs. J the owner SAID 

oh, come with us 

we're going back to my mom's for vacation 

I didn't want to 

I didn't want to be that up close and personal 

with the woman who ran the school 

BUT 

my mom made it CLEAR 

SHE thought it was a good opportunity 

& if I didn't 

SHE would make SURE 

I regretted it 

SO

I went 

& I saw some battleship 

because her son was

into that kinda stuff 

mystic seaport

stirbridge village

the liberty bell

newport mansions

& since I had had this "great opportunity"

my gran gran and aunt joan and my mom

ALL gave me money to spend 

& we saw the mayflower and I'm all LIKE 

I think this is the one I'm related to 

I was LIKE eleven 

BUT 

THAT was a BIG mistake 

because they were portuguese 

& there's a whole cultural 

thing in that area

that I was unaware of 

& I think I must have said some things

that I got from some adult 

probably my mom

that gave her

SOME IDEA

that I was

ELITE 

or something 

in my pathetic hand me down polyester double knit pants

& my total inability to do

being around people 

properly

I think I said something about 

they'd sell the mansions

if you waved enough 

MONEY at 'em

I knocked over a drink at dinner 

because my table manners 

we're apparently 

SHOCKING 

& I put my drink on the wrong side 

I had trouble for the rest of my time at that school just like I thought I would 

& I'm not really sure 

WHY

SO

it was just another case of

I wish I'd listened to myself instead of my mom

BUT 

I DID get the trip

& I was gonna have trouble either way

THAT was ALSO 

the trip where I met red jasper

I was on a seashore somewhere 

that was rock instead of sand

I picked it up

the piece of red jasper 

& it spoke to me

I can't remember what it said 

BUT 

it was a strong connection 

movie notes

I watched 

borg vs mcenroe 

I thought as a film it was pretty amazing 

I'm not sure whether it

REALLY 

captured

THEM

I don't really 

REMEMBER what they were like

from any sort of personal 

MEMORY 

I remember having an awareness of them

more mcenroe 

I had much MORE awareness of 

billie jean king

and then later martina 

I've never really understood tennis 

I've TRIED I'm not sure what the problem is 

when I'm watching a game 

I can get a lot of what's 

HAPPENING 

from the

ENERGY 

but I just can't seem to make my brain 

absorb whatever it is

BUT 

I WANT to understand it

OR maybe I don't really 

BUT 

I think I do

and anyway I wanted to understand mcenroe 

what I remember of him as a kid

I don't think the angry thing

I think all that kind of 

HOW TRANSGRESSIVE

that WAS

I think that was LOST on ME 

I think I thought everybody thought he was

KINDA excitingly dramatic 

I REALLY liked the pacing of the film

& the way the different worlds

we're realized

the scene where borg is at

STUDIO 54

& everything in the world is going on 

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

he is completely not part of any of it

but almost in a psychedelic way 

or something 

I MEAN 

I resonated with THAT 

BUT 

I feel like maybe I didn't get 

an equally strong 

MOMENT with 

mcenroe 

I wanted the wall writing to be that

BUT 

it wasn't quite 

& I have a hard time 

imagining 

that you haven't seen it

I enjoyed it 

BUT 

not as much as I could potentially have 

if I just had a better understanding 

although sometimes 

that can go the other way

night

I didn't go to sleep

I've just been

THINKING 

listening to a rain video 

making notes

OH

I almost forgot 

I was gonna tell you

I recently noticed 

ALL the REST of the INFJ YouTube people 

besides Frank James

are KINDA weird

& then

somebody said her thought FJ was really an ENFJ

& I was LIKE oh no if that's true 

then they're all weird 

& then I was trying to figure out 

WHAT made them

SEEM WEIRD 

so I can look for THAT in ME 

which I think is adorably EXTRA of me

although 

it could be that they don't have any sense of humor at all 

LIKE -- ANTI

they're ALL 

& I mean it's like four or five

VERY taking themselves 

VERY seriously 

NOW that I'm thinking about it -- I'm not sure if 

any of them has smiled

OH

I JUST remembered 

I was on this TRIP 

which is a STORY of it's OWN

BUT 

I was somewhere near boston

KINDA rural

& I went for a walk

down this little 

ROAD

I don't think it was a car road

BUT 

there were FIELDS and trees

& it was golden hour

& I'm remembering THAT as like a high point

of the trip

BUT 

there was a lot of good stuff on that trip

goodnight sweetheart, happy heart day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I watched 

casablanca and key largo 

I am not too talk-y 

HOPEFULLY 

tomorrow will be talk-y-er

I'm maybe going to go to bed early-ish

try to maximize 

DREAMS 

being away from her 

for a few weeks has done wonders for my

disregulated nervous system 

I am so grateful to be 

AWAY from her

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

check in

I want to tell you how grateful I am 

that I found you

that I let myself go there

that I didn't just give up on my life

k*ll myself 

I know I already covered that ground

BUT 

it's worth revisiting 

YOU 

are MAGIC 

you are the foundation of HOPE for my life 

& I'm seeing the programming 

I got growing up 

& HOW MUCH 

that skewed my life

BUT 

I had been in a bad pattern for a while 

& I think I had to have this

whatever we're calling this last five-ish years

to work through 

LIKE 

waiting for the children of the cold war to d*e

I had to separate from the pattern 

& THEN 

you helped me do THAT by breaking my brain 

I don't know if you are looking at me right now 

& thinking

she needs to do x,y,z

OR

if you're worried about me

OR

if you are just thinking about what you're doing 

& sure I'm figuring it out 

& I guess maybe 

that depends on what you expect 

I think I'm figuring it out 

BUT 

I'm probably not using anybody else's template 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I hope you are feeling 

my love

I'm trying to communicate even when I'm having trouble with communication 

I'm not sure what is going on 

BUT 

I'm confident in my ability to 

HANDLE 

whatever I need to handle 

to be the happy

more on the college memory

I'm not sure what that college memory is telling me 

& remember in college 

there always seemed to be 

a LOT of 

people just wanting to hear themselves talk 

MAYBE it was the classes

I TOOK 

I took a LOT of 

women's studies

CLASSES

& I swear to g*d in philosophy of women class one day the professor was asking 

a question about 

BEING a SISTER 

&

the SAME GUY 

who ALWAYS had 

SOMETHING 

to SAY

STARTS 

& the prof who was pretty CHILL generally 

was LIKE 

Ummmmm HOW exactly do you have knowledge of what it is like to be a SISTER 

& I'm not sure WHY

BUT 

it really influenced me against 

PARTICIPATION 

I FEEL like a LOT of TIMES 

I say something 

that I think 

is informational

BUT 

MAYBE 

it sounds like a statement 

& then

SOMETIMES 

I'll read back over them

& THINK 

WHY

was I worried about this 

MAYBE 

that's just a shadow revealing itself 

BUT 

I MEAN all that look at me look at me MAYBE 

got linked in with the 

ANTI- narcissist PACK

MAYBE 

the POINT is that 

there are LOTS of EXAMPLES of 

people who knew what they were talking about 

WANTING to hear MORE from ME

that's not some sh*t I'm just dreaming up

it's not totally consistent with more recent 

WORK experience 

which was described in early therapy 

MORE LIKE 

BUT 

EVEN THERE 

I would do these one to two page

NEW promo HOT points

that I KEEP thinking 

there's a way 

that THOSE are a precursor 

in some KINDA way 

to what I've been doing for a while 

BUT 

I doubt that it's immediately apparent to anyone 

& it's tied to the fourth grade concrete poetry

everything 

is coming together 

& falling away 

I'm pretty sure I was

MUCH MORE 

negative & bitter & whatever 

not that long ago

NOW

I'm pretty positive 

BUT 

AM I 

though?

I'm not sure looping SPIRAL is consistent with 

pretty positive 

& I didn't really realize that I was in one

I think it's really important that I maintain my 

CONNECTION to that KINDA universal NOW

I need to move around more

BODY issues

& WHATNOT 

LOVE MYSELF 

MORE 

notes

it's a national day of mourning in Canada today 

I just saw a news clip

don't know what this means

OK

I don't know WHY

BUT 

OH CANADA

is playing 

OVER 

&

OVER

in my HEAD 

not totally sane check in February 12th

I've also got the goatherd yodel from sound of music stuck in my HEAD 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I DO need to FOCUS 

on consolidation of self

raising vibration 

be here NOW but it's hard not to do the STUFF 

I am convinced that I made the right move

& that I have to hold this line

BUT 

it's not like falling off a log

goodnight sweetheart

there was a slurry of stuff

coming through 

PROCESSING 

but I tell you what

that little tune

keeps popping up 

it makes me happy every time

I gotta sleep 

I'm not making progress on 

the sleeping regular 

hours

I'm tumbling stuff around 

in my HEAD 

I think I found the only 

FOUNTAIN left in my 

quadrant

notes February 12th

I got myself into a kind of looping

SPIRAL

&

it was weighing me

DOWN

& 

at one point 

TODAY 

I started singing -- I got no strings

I had to go through 

& FORGIVE 

myself 

for all the things that could go wrong 

if I have misassessed the situation 

with my mom 

resurfaced memory February 12th

I remember something 

in college 

I pretty much never

raised my hand

& one time I DID 

& the professor was impressed or something 

why didn't I speak up more

& I don't remember HOW I cleaned it up at the 

TIME -- because I cannot imagine -- I said THIS 

I don't want to SOUND like them*

*by which I guess I meant the way people sound when they are trying to impress people 

I had only spoken UP this particular 

TIME 

because 

no one else was getting there

& I felt I had something 

to contribute 

TAROT reading February 11th

TAROT reading 

nine of cups, page of swords, six of cups,

three of pentacles (our card), ace of wands, the sun

hello -- I love you -- checking in

I'm checking in 

I felt like it might look like I was

pulling away or something yesterday 

I didn't mean to be doing that 

I just have stuff going on in my HEAD 

& I'm not sure what 

it even is 

MUCH LESS 

HOW to 

VERBALIZE it

BUT 

I'm figuring it out 

& I'm feeling 

generally 

HAPPY 

please take care of yourself 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I'm sorry I didn't talk today I can't even remember what I wanted to tell you about yesterday I think I'm a little out of the loop on what's going on in my HEAD

today was 

I'm not sure how to describe it 

I could not wake up

I just kept 

DREAMING 

& saying how grateful I am for my life 

I couldn't remember the dreams 

BUT 

there was some kind of superhero in an

ORANGE SUIT 

MIGHT 

have been 
ME

I feel like I did some

PROCESSING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

goodnight 

goodnight sweetheart good day

MAN

I REALLY want to TELL you 

ALL the STUFF 

I thought about 

TODAY 

BUT 

I'm not sure if I can 

& ANYWAY 

I want to tell you 

SOMETHING 

I have had that TUNE and I mean 

the whole song*

BUT 

the tune is SO catchy 

& my brain is doing this weird thing 

this morning I was hearing 

as TIME goes BY from casablanca in my HEAD 

& I KINDA 

heard that off and on most of the day

I SHOWERED 

washed my hair 

DROVE the CAR

I thought so MANY thoughts

& then I listened to it 

cause it was

ALREADY 

bubbling up 

& THEN it is ABSOLUTELY in there

& after LIKE maybe an HOUR I'm LIKE 

THOSE TWO are 

related

SOMEHOW 

& THEN

I started up the stairs

& my brain said 

inna godda da vida

was also related

& the THREE pieces

FORM some SORT of MUSICAL -- something 

it just seems right 

BUT 

I have no reason I can point to

JUST 

a pattern in my HEAD 

that KINDA thing

is hard to catch for some reason 

I mean for demonstration 

purposes

my brain is saying 

SYMPHONIC 

structure 

but that seems unlikely 

when I took music appreciation in college 

they had us mapping structure 

& I couldn't seem to DO THAT so I'm very skeptical 

the POINT is 

I think that's quite a lot of 

CATCHY

*the D&M collab

thoughts I thought I posted last night

I've been thinking about you all day 

I haven't been super focused 

just KINDA floating 

& then I'm thinking 

am I spacing out too much

am I NOT 

doing something 

BUT 

I'm not sure what I think I'm doing 

& I don't think this is super 

coherent 

& I still haven't listened to anything about the 

kidnapping 

BUT 

TOGETHER 

we are all america 

SO

I guess I got what I wanted 

from the superbowl 

half-time show

I watched some videos about how little sense INFJs make to normal people 

& it made me

WONDER 

I won't ask though 

because THAT might make me 

WORRY 

I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow 

BUT 

I'm doing something 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts

I just saw somewhere that 

carlos santana is joining 

BAD BUNNY 

at the superbowl 

& that

the shadow halftime or whatever it's called 

with kid rock is last minute cancelled 

I haven't vetted it

SO

MAYBE none of it is true 

BUT 

if it is TRUE 

that's ALL good 

I don't know much about bad bunny 

because I'm not caught up on all the younger stuff 

to be honest

I might not be able to pick kid rock out of a lineup 

BUT 

I saw santana at the TEXAS JAM

LIKE 

forty years ago 

in the astrodome 

& I mean 

I probably went to see joan Jett

BUT 

I KNEW santana 

BUT 

honestly 

the dome was filled with pot smoke

& I had never smoked

& I think I got a contact high

& it changed my relationship with 

santana's music 

it's connected to the energy flow of the universe 

or some sort of magical system

it's almost enough to 

make me want to watch the superbowl 

BUT 

I'm sure it'll be watchable separately 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I probably didn't talk enough 

I've been processing 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try to sleep 

🫶

ps

she's very grown up 

you are the best

I am so wanting to 

HEAR

what is going on with 

it SEEMS like 

there would be news

BUT 

my sense of how long things take 

doesn't seem well mapped

at least in terms 

of things I don't know much about 

&

just know I'm interested in knowing 

even just seeing you

is SO grounding 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

lost connection intermission and more tea

OK

I moved my phone and screwed up the connection 

SO

I figured I'd check in again

I think you're pretty awesome 

I've been brushing over the news pretty lightly 

BUT 

it's all pretty 

BAD

&

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about 

HOW something CHANGED in the world 

&

something CHANGED in ME 

&

KINDA

HOW 

do those things map together 

&

I was just thinking about vaudeville the other day 

which may or may not be related to any of that

check in

I'm sorry 

I was sure I had the time right

I think the new 

is beautiful 

I'm going back to the beginning 

BUT 

I want to THINK about 

some already in progress thoughts

& make another tea

before I do

🫶

hello sweetheart

I slept really late

I don't remember clearly what I was dreaming 

BUT 

at least part of it

was some sort of building plan

I remember saying 

we could add free-standing buildings 

on the corners

make a quadrangle 

my HEAD hurts 

I'm congested-y

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

2/6-7 notes

I'm in a weird-ish place today 

I'm really grateful for

the amount I have

been able to

GROW

in THIS period 

where I KINDA lost my mind a little bit 

I'm not certain 

HOW 

sane I am at this point 

I FEEL like 

I experience THINGS in a strange way 

& I'm not SURE 

if I'm supposed to MAKE that

MORE concrete

AM I too DISTANT 

TOO in my HEAD 

or is THAT exactly HOW I'm supposed to be 

& I JUST need to figure out how I fit in

I FEEL like I've changed a LOT 

I FEEL like the DIRECTION 

is MORE OUTSIDE 

more nature

MORE 

ONE with the UNIVERSE 

& I'm looking around wondering

can I sell any of this stuff 

WILL I sell any of it

I don't know the answer 

I WANT 

a very minimalist 

VIBE 

BUT 

I also have stuff that I'm pretty attached to

 

OR

am I 

goodnight status update

no alcohol yesterday or today 

no ibuprofen yesterday or today 

the knees are doing pretty good 

I'm going to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I had a part in the mission statement thing-y 

-- I do not let myself be pulled away from what nourishes me --

I wonder if

-- I crave what nourishes me --

isn't a better direction 

I don't -- seems a bit negative --

I'm not a huge fan of crave

it's a little cupcake chain-y for me

I don't dislike it as much as

COMFORTABILITY

goodnight sweetheart 

night thoughts

at some point 

I had a song stuck in my HEAD 

I was trying to describe it to you, I think, but I don't think I did a good job 

& I couldn't find it 

well

I heard it today 

& my phone 

told me

classical gas 

I can't remember the context

there's this negative thing I do

I get irritated and biased 

& I say mean things

mostly 

in my HEAD 

EXCEPT 

for the screaming at the television 

THAT

is aloud

BUT 

the person I'm saying it to

can't hear me

I think I at least almost always know that I'm doing the negative thing 

& SOMETIMES it 

becomes

my ridiculous 

"they are SO whatever whatever"

about someone every other person on earth likes

HUGELY FAMOUS 

JUST for whatever reason set my teeth on edge

SOMETIMES 

I get overly critical of something 

in a "what, am I supposed to be impressed"

with something 

that I normally do or would like 

& again it's really just 
MOOD

BUT 

this kind doesn't usually 

SET IN

when the mood is gone 

I am usually able to see whatever it is 

OBJECTIVELY 

& SOMETIMES 

I think 

I'm just being dismissive

of something 

to keep from getting attached

or whatever 

when I'm negative with myself 

it's pretty brutal 

negative self talk

I'd say that is the one that

is most trouble for me

& I feel like 

I'm not really doing it 

CURRENTLY 

maybe I'm 

going easy on myself 

notes on a walk

going for a walk 

is really helpful I guess it's that touch grass thing

and the movement meditation 

and whatever else 

it doesn't help to practice scenarios for the future or to ruminate on the past

ya just gotta 

HAVE the ADVENTURE 

the stuff that GETS you is NEVER what you THINK 

and SURE part of THAT 

is the SAME thing as WHY it's always the LAST place you LOOK because 

--  WHEN 

you FIND it 

you QUIT looking 

I WATCHED 

the REFLECTION 

of a TREE

LONG ENOUGH that I was SURE I could 

DESCRIBE 

it didn't dance or bob or shimmer or undulate

there was MOVEMENT 

ACROSS the 

SURFACE 

of the pool

the TREE 

didn't move

the image 

CHANGED

by the COLORS of the environment 

the BLUE of the pool

the GOLD of the

LIGHT 

the TREE washed out -- ABSTRACTED 

SEEMED 

PROJECTED

onto 

metallic 

GLOW

& I started to match an artist or style

THEN

I remembered being held down 

trying to get to the surface

deborah was angry

NO

had forgotten about 

THAT

weren't we on a

BE HERE 

NOW

I breathed

I watched

I noticed 

my shoulders were reasonably low

goodnight sweetheart

I think I should try to sleep 

the light shines through the leaves

to sometimes make a pattern

on my window 

I look at that

every morning 

BEFORE 

screens

that makes me happy 

& rolling on my left side -- I tend to end up on my right -- & there are some physiological benefits 

-- I forget exactly what 

that makes me happy 

LOTS of 

little things 

make me happy 

I'm trying to notice, EXPAND

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

apartment walk

I ALSO 

really enjoy

TEXTURE 

I walked around my apartments again 

something asked me

HOW 

do you want to 

FEEL 

someone has

wisteria 

& butterflies

there's a wind chime I wanna call it grotto -- but I'm almost certain that is wrong 

and there's a stone circle

in this little courtyard 

there was a fountain once upon a time 

NOW

there is an assortment of plants

LIKE 

I got a plant it needs more light and there's this not doing anything else wall 

last time they were all dead 

we had frost

this time

people had put out some silk flowers

garden decorations -- dragonfly, hummingbird 

there's a motley assortment of chairs 

LIKE 

there's an evening hangout 

in the grove*

*and here I'm really taking some artistic license because although it does have a grove-ish vibe actually contains only one albeit giant tree

thoughts

I saw a video 

talking about japanese practices 

to increase joy

& the first one was

LIGHT 

& I'm LIKE 

the light through the trees

picking back up a thread

I've been thinking about 

ROOMS

when I was in edinburgh I stayed in this

BED & BREAKFAST 

it was one of those when it was a trend, I think 

ANYWAY the regular bedrooms were

all UPSTAIRS 

BUT 

I was in this LIKE I wanna call it a RUMPUS room 

---- but I'm not really sure that's right 

there was a sink

& a kettle 

I HAD

BEEN gonna go

on a HAUNTED walking tour

BUT 

then I saw the room

& I wanted to stay

IN

drink tea 

watch bad 

-- mostly american television --

since the bedrooms were upstairs 

I had the downstairs 

bathroom 

to myself 

not too talk-y though

I spent today 

FEELING grateful 

thoughts

I ALSO 

thought about the BLOOD 

& your shifting 

AWARENESS 

it impressed me 

I didn't mention 

BUT 

I'm gonna try to share a story with you 

as a resonance*

*need a better word for this

when I was in the maybe third grade

I used to walk across the bar parking lot barefoot 

there was broken glass

BUT it was pretty 

BROKEN 

DOWN 

& I had faith in my calluses 

my dad would send me to buy cigarettes 

this particular time

I had bottles

to return 

for

deposit 

ONLY 

when I was putting them in or whatever 

I DROPPED them

& I guess they cut my FEET some

& I was trying to figure out 

if I was in TROUBLE 

should I 

clean it up -- what should I do 

the lady at the cash register 

came OVER and 

FREAKED out 

& it TOOK me a WHILE 

before I figured out 

that she was 

FREAKING OUT 

because I was 

possibly 

injured 

& THAT

SEEMED 

really

WEIRD 

to 

ME 

& I was LIKE oh yeah -- don't even worry about it

it's just a flesh wound 

maintaining

I decided today was another 

MAINTAIN 

day

I feel like I did a MUCH BETTER job 

BUT 

I THINK 

there's a WAY 

THIS is a 

HUMAN milestone

SHIFT

&

I was thinking how funny it is

that I go about 

LIFE

SO -- differently --

& HOW MUCH SENSE do I even make 

I've got new awareness of 

RISING AWARENESS 

of blindspots

or

something 

there's a VERY critical VOICE in my HEAD 

& PART of the mission statement 

is -- 

-- I am OPEN for ABUNDANT 

love, luck & happiness 

I am CLOSED to NEGATIVITY 

-- and NOW I think -- although it wasn't my PLAN --

I'm going to be addressing 

MY negativity 

groundhog's day

OH 

I started with 

thoughts

ABOUT 

eternal recurrence 

and which professor thought I didn't understand 

DID I understand 

I think I DID, maybe 

I'm not leaving out the possibility that I DID NOT 

BUT 

I don't really remember what I THOUGHT 

PLUS -- I've certainly 

ROMANTICIZED

the current understanding 

SO MUCH of my

PAST seems

separate 

from me now 

it's LIKE 

I couldn't even manage to live 

ONE

thoughts February 2nd

it's hard to describe 

what I did today 

I was gonna go to WORK CLUB 

and/or HAUL a chair down to the dumpster 

& have a conversation with myself 

about whether we really need 

the STUFF in the

CHAIR 

BUT 

I decided I needed to continue to MAINTAIN 

in some ways I can't quantify 

I think I'm BETTER 

BUT 

I'm engaging in a pretty intense numbing regimen 

while at the same time 

I wrote this LIKE mission statement TYPE thing 

AND now 

RANDOM synchronicity 

-- is presenting bits of it to me --

I'm trying to FOCUS 

trying to notice 

the ZONE

& bits come up that I have to 

RECONCILE 

goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

late nite thoughts February 1st

I AM having a 

STRANGE

sense of reality 

LIKE 

I don't know what the world is like

EVERYTHING I've experienced 

MIGHT be just like 

OUTDATED 

irrelevant 

& I KNOW I need to 

CONTRIBUTE 

more to the fight

& I KNOW I'm fixin to do SOMETHING 

BUT 

I don't know 

WHAT 

thoughts February 1st

I drove my car today

& I drove it to some nearby parks

one of them is about a mile & a half away 

& I was thinking 

MAYBE 

I could work my way up it walking to there and back for exercise 

BUT 

it wasn't an exciting enough park

the other one was like three miles away

& I might or might not 

work my way up

to walking 

THERE

BUT 

it wasn't 

exciting enough either 

I want to get

exercise figured out

I am KINDA grieving 

bits of my mom

& ALSO 

realizing HOW uncomfortable 

I actually AM with 

letting other people take 

responsibility for their sh*t

BUT 

I don't think texting her

to remind her that she needs to pay rent 

is in any way appropriate 

she knows what she's doing 

she's not senile 

SHE 

hasn't 

texted or called 

she hasn't asked for help 

I had an exit

THAT is my exit

once I determined 

I was capable of the one thing

OR 

almost certain 

su*c*de

it really seems pointless to worry about the electric bill 

& THEN 

the realization that I picked 

ME

I mean I thought I would 

BUT 

I didn't ever expect 

that it would have to be 

SO STARK

I remember after gran gran died

when I was completely heartbroken 

my mom said 

I know you're upset NOW 

JUST THINK

HOW MUCH MORE 

UPSET

you will be when I 

DIE 

-- losing your mommy is the worst pain you can experience 

my gran gran RAISED me

thoughts January 31st

I have discovered 

the thing I like to do, or more accurately, perhaps 

A THING that I like to do

is have adventures 

yesterday 

I walked around my apartment complex 

which I haven't done in a while 

& even though that is a pretty 

SMALL adventure 

it WAS 

KINDA fun

Ive been remembering my trips to London

& scotland

in context with some more recent trips 

& the room is important 

the stuff I do out in the WORLD 

& driving

are important 

BUT 

the kinda world creation of the room

is really important 

I'm not sure YET 

what I think this means

BUT 

I think it's important 

better day today

to be clear 

I had turned off the 

RINGER on my phone 

SO

I didn't talk to the admitter

& this afternoon 

I ALSO didn't talk to the social worker 

I could call & SAY

I'm not doing anything that supports her going home -- because I don't think it's SAFE 

BUT 

that didn't work before 

&

1) that's not what I'm DONE feels like to me

2) SHE hasn't CONTACTED me directly 

3) if they are planning her release ALREADY then I'd say it's likely that there isn't anything wrong with her -- 

a) they kept her a week before & couldn't find anything 

b) she's been in constant care since and was APPROVED to go home 

c) I'd say if they can't reach me it will make them less likely to send her home 

d) I keep wanting to text her and say --

JUST pretend you got your WAY 

& I killed myself because I couldn't handle it 

& NOW you have to deal with yourself 

ANYWAY 

BUT 

that seems like some passive aggressive manipulation and I'm not trying to make her do anything anymore 

I'm 

just 

DONE 

goodnight sweetheart

I've gotta say, though

I'm going through the tequila 

at what I would call an alarming rate 

it's been a week 

since I bought

1.75 liters

of tequila 

& I have gone through LIKE three quarters of it

with this new mixer

that's pineapple and jalapenos 

& a citrus THC elixir, or whatever they're calling it

& the thing I NEVER understand 

drinking makes me feel 

BETTER in the morning 

anyway 

I f*CKed UP 

& I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

January 29th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not having a great day

I had a headache 

& took a nap 

& I'm awake now but I'm not sure for how long 

I don't feel great about all this

BUT 

honestly 

a sincere request for help

MIGHT have WORKED 

for something 

& the heartfelt 

APOLOGY

that is NOT even a possibility 

SHE has NEVER 

she LITERALLY undermined all attempts by anyone to protect her 

JUST

so she could go ahead with her original plan

to FORCE me to do what I said I wouldn't do

I don't WANT to abandon her 

BUT 

she's made it CLEAR 

there is NO WAY to deal with her 

SO

I guess we are doing THIS stupid b*llsh*t

I'm FINE with making her FACE consequences 

& she's NOT senile demented

SHE hasn't called or texted

BUT the hospital did call checking her in

at like midnight 

& I KINDA wonder how she managed to make it be SO LATE 

I watched some videos on the shadow

& then I'm talking to myself --

I forgive you for needing to get involved with her at ALL 

I forgive you for needing to get to the point where she proved she doesn't care about you at ALL 

ONLY wants to USE me

I KNEW all THAT 

I really DID but somehow I JUST 

COULD NOT believe it 

I thought there HAD to be

SOMETHING in there

SOMETHING that LOVED me

BUT 

NO

it was foolish 

I'm sorry I made you go through that

& I don't know what parts of myself I'm afraid of 

I KNOW I had that whole existential crisis 

when I realized I wasn't sure 

I might not SNAP 

I don't necessarily even think 

I'm THAT nice of a person 

ANYMORE 

I'm not looking for people to help 

I'm not interested in taking on

OTHER people's STUFF 

I just want to 

PROTECT myself 

HEAL my nervous system 

find out what makes me happy 

I can't do that

FIGHTING 

CONSTANT psy-op battles

& the ONLY way to not

is to HOLD my

BOUNDARIES 

shadow work

SO

I'm watching videos on SHADOW WORK 

& there's a journal question section 

1. what parts of yourself do you dislike

2. what parts of yourself do you judge

3. what parts of yourself do you fear

I feel like I talk about 1 & 2 a LOT 

do I ever talk about 3 -- like EVER

do I FEAR anything about myself 

I'm not sure that I do

I'm not saying I don't have FEAR -- I got plenty 

it's FEAR PARTS

I'm having trouble thinking of

hard day

well

maybe you remember that I called her yesterday 

& told her she needed to call all those people 

& make sure they had her phone number 

well

today they were calling me 

& I gave them her number 

BUT 

I went to her apartment to take her her stuff

PLUS I wasn't sure if her walker was in the car 

I KNEW 

when they called 

she had not abandoned her plan

her plan was to try to force me to be her caregiver by a fait accomplis

which is WHY 

I refused to 

HELP

BUT 

she didn't need to get their number 

because she never intended to use their service 

SO

I took in her stuff 

& I could tell she was there because her lights were different 

SO

I was calling out to her that I was dropping off stuff 

& she's LIKE 

I can't hear you

SO

I went into her bedroom 

& she was on the 

FLOOR 

I TOLD her the stuff again 

& then turned to LEAVE 

DON'T YOU WALK AWAY from ME

I can't lift you

& your phone is in your hand

NOW

she didn't say anything to me when I talked on speaker phone with the case worker 

she didn't call or text

& she didn't call or text whenever she got on the FLOOR 

she's didn't call out when I opened the door

& she didn't say anything about it 

she just called out to me

that she couldn't hear me

I don't think she was on the FLOOR until she heard me come in

& I don't think 

DON'T WALK AWAY from ME

is the tone you use when

you are hoping to get help

are relieved to SEE someone 

WHY NOT 

I asked 

we have to talk

WHAT do we have to talk ABOUT 

well money for one thing

NO, I say, I don't want to talk about money

I TOLD you 

I was trying to HEAL our relationship 

I TOLD you

I wasn't going to BE your caregiver 

I tried for FIVE YEARS and I'm DONE 

there is NO healing our relationship 

YOU made it CLEAR that 

I am not allowed to have boundaries 

the ONLY thing I am allowed to do 

is be your SLAVE 

I TOLD you I was trying to heal our relationship and you were SO HORRIBLE to me

gaslighting and manipulating 

if I come up with a way to keep you safe

you WON'T co-operate 

I DON'T NEED clarification 

I didn't think it was safe for you to be here

I WANTED you to go to an assisted living situation where you would be SAFE 

& YOU chose to come HERE 

call 911

or call the home health care

I can't lift you

& I said I wasn't going to have anything to do with it 

I don't know WHY your here

at no point 

did she ask for help 

at no point did she seem in distress 

it seemed super FAKE 

& she hasn't texted or called since either

I DID make sure she had the home health number

I don't know what she expected 

BUT 

I don't think it was any of THAT 

& I really KNEW 

this was going to be

HARDCORE manipulation when I had the dream 

I KNEW she would do THIS 

BUT 

I tried to make it as HARD as possible 

there was NO middle ground 

good morning sweetheart January 28th

I saw something else I have a strong impulse to buy for you

SO

I'm not sure if that's just

IMPULSE 

OR

some sort of psychic link

& you are very 
COLD

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

& are NOT 

NEEDING a heavy coat RIGHT NOW 

I dreamed I was in a building 

& someone called in a

BOMB threat

I probably shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I wish we were

HIGH

in a really comfortable bed

in a cool hotel room 

SNOGGING 

thoughts January 27th

well

the earlier and through mid-afternoon 

part of today

I got texts and phone calls

from possibly people trying to reach my mom

BECAUSE 

when she checked herself in to the REHAB facility

she ONLY gave them my phone number 

& I guess she didn't bother to correct it

when she was setting everything up 

SO

EVERYBODY is trying to reach ME

SO

the people who texted

I'm LIKE 

WRONG number 

BUT 

the one who called I let go to voicemail 

& for some reason it wouldn't show the number

USUALLY it would 

SO

I texted & called her case worker 

& SAID 

could you please make sure everyone has HER number 

THEN

I texted her

BUT 

I decided since she was supposed to confirm stuff TODAY I would call her

SO

I called her & SAID 

HEY

you need to call everyone and give them

YOUR number 

you only gave the hospital mine

PEOPLE are calling to confirm stuff

she's LIKE 

can't you just give them

my number 

NO

they called voicemail 

didn't leave a number & I couldn't bring it up 

then I hung up

THEN

I spent some time 

grappling with

WHAT

I might be willing to do 

& how long a transition 

& WHY I'm so fixated on keeping her safe

whether it all just comes down to 

CONDITIONING 

OR

societal norms

& THEN

I ordered pizza

DRANK margaritas

& watched stand-up comedy 

Ali Wong x2, Trevor Noah, Fortune Feimster

I'm trying to remember the wording

something about 

SOUL contracts

& coming through the other side

lessons you sent yourself 

here to learn

additional thoughts January 27th

THIS 

was the conversation I had with my mother 

BEFORE we went to the ER 

after she did her FIRST 

what I believe to be

FAKE FALL 

I was making her walk around with a walker

& get up and down out of her chair 

TRYING to get her to STRENGTHEN her legs

& trying to access her condition 

which honestly SEEMED FINE 

I thought it was a LARGELY psychosomatic 

reaction to the stress of making a decision about the heart surgery that was looming 

she had an appointment with the surgeon 

I TOLD her AGAIN 

BECAUSE 

she was being very closed mouthed about her

FEAR

but very LOUD about how she wasn't 

willing to do what I was trying to 

get her to DO

to build her strength back up

EXCERPT --

what I've been trying to do here

is rebuild our relationship 

you can't do anything about what happened in the past, but you CAN CHANGE what you do from here on out

I never look at my life and say

I WISH this or that had happened 

NOT REALLY 

because I ALWAYS do the best I can with the information and abilities I have in the situation 

I LIKE who I AM

& I wouldn't CHANGE who I AM

& I wouldn't BE this person 

if things had happened 

DIFFERENTLY 

SO

I'm NOT saying 

I want you to have been different in the PAST

BUT 

I HAVE been trying to HEAL THINGS 

& THIS TIME 

is what we have LEFT 

SO

WHAT DO you WANT to DO with the rest of your LIFE -- what would the EXTRA time you might get from the surgery mean to you

WHAT would you DO with it 

& do you have 

ANYTHING 

you want to talk about 

hangover January 27th

I dreamed 

I was in some KINDA cool place

there were people who 

dressed in fun & interesting ways

there were places to go 

things to do

& people were mostly young and friendly and open minded

wherever this place was

it was just immediately great

& people worked together on even the smallest things

in a way that caught my attention 

& didn't really make sense to me 

UNTIL 

I realized 

periodically 

we had to run away from monsters

I don't know what kind of monsters

& I don't really remember the specifics & details 

AND

TODAY

I feel 

different 

I'm having an emotion

that I can't quite 

quantify

I've really been trying though

it's related to the realization 

that there isn't any love in there at all

NOTHING strong enough to counter-balance

my unwilling-ness to CAVE to HER gaping NEED

to control me

it's closest to when I found out 

there were NO native americans in my family tree

THAT

KINDA broke me

THAT felt like

finding out you're a REPLICANT

this doesn't feel like THAT 

not that INTENSE 

BUT 

it IS pretty disorientating 

LIKE 

I knew she didn't love me

I KNEW she didn't think of me as HUMAN 

I knew it

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

I guess I didn't know it ENOUGH 

& I'm STILL surprised 

ONE THING she SAID that's running through my HEAD right now:

I thought I was a GOOD mother

I thought I RAISED you RIGHT

maybe I wasn't as good as I THOUGHT 

MY MOTHER was VERY CONTROLLING 

& I didn't want to be like HER

SO

I GUESS 

MAYBE 

I went TOO FAR in the OTHER DIRECTION 

she is LITERALLY 

TELLING ME 

that 

MY ONLY 

LIFE OPTION 

is to become her

CAREGIVER 

& she will no longer do for herself 

ANYTHING 

& that she will NOT listen to my

HELP

or ADVICE 

or DIRECTION 

that ANY system I try to set up for her

for her protection 

she will try to

THWART

& the ONLY way I can maintain it

is to watch her like a hawk

& then she will be verbally abusive to me 

THAT

is her definition of 

TOO LENIENT 

update January 26th

my mom's case manager called me back 

I called her at nine thirty & left another message 

she didn't call back until noonish 

I told her my thoughts again 

& then she went to talk to my mom

she didn't call back until 

four forty-five 

SO

I'm SURE she helped my mom with her 

healthcare choices

BUT 

she's LIKE 

I have mom here on speaker phone

mom is going home with home health 

I'm LIKE 

& she's got transportation 

yes we arranged that

that's great I say

thank you very much 

mom says nothing 

she still hasn't texted me

& I'm getting excited that she might have quit me

although I suspect 

I won't be that lucky

I also suspect there could be issues 

that my mom didn't mention 

or plan for

& I'm not sure what problems could arise 

then a few minutes later 

her case worker calls me

thinking it's my mom

because THAT is the ONLY phone number 

any of these people seem to have 

I give her the right number 

I give the physical therapy people her number 

this evening has been quite 

January 26th

AND

if I am tempted to feel BAD 

I'm reminding myself 

when my therapist's mother

who he SUPER loved

was

DYING 

they asked her where she wanted to go for her final less than a month

&

she said 

she wanted to spend it in her daughter's 

guest room looking out over the water

these are rich people 

with resources to 

HIRE care

she wasn't being asked to be a caregiver 

just make her guest room available 

& she said

NO

you don't LIVE HERE 

which I thought

was cruel 

BUT 

none of them thought it was even unusual