how I don't seem to be friends with women much
I don't feel comfortable around them
& MAYBE
that's just women my age & older
BUT
it's a thing that is a ME thing
SOMETIMES
I think it's because of deborah & my mom
SOMETIMES
I think it's got to do with the non-binary thing
BUT
I was thinking about it
calling myself into
QUESTION
then also
when I did my nam myoho renge kyo
I set the intention to
SEE MORE CLEARLY
WHAT I WANT
because I feel like I am still trying to get at THAT
& I had dreams
BUT
I wasn't sure
HOW
to interpret them
I was having a picnic
with a woman who I was trying to be friends with
I was TALKING to her
THROUGH the WINDOW
of a car
turned upside down
neither of us
we're IN the CAR
we were on opposite sides of the car
I was handing her things through the window
she was on the opposite side of the car
I was mixing her
an iced tea
in test tubes
I was trying to decide
HOW MUCH SUGAR
to put in her tea
when I woke up
I thought maybe this was telling me
I really want
female friendships
& I need to do the
EXTRA WORK
to make this happen
BUT
thinking about it all day
I don't think that's what it is telling me
I think it was MORE like trying to represent to me
WHAT it's LIKE
THEN
there was another part of the dream
or maybe an entirely different
DREAM
I moved around through the WORLD
& I found these
PANTS
they were
MADRAS PLAID --- shades of PINK
thicker material cut like those
pants I think look good on me
stretchy comfortable
BUT
they also had like a baby pink piping
I was pretty happy with them
and I was sitting in a comfortable chair
on a nice patio
with plants
& some young person I KNEW in the DREAM
--- I think they were male but I'm not entirely sure
came by and said
you look COOL in those pants
can I take your picture
& THEN
ALL of a SUDDEN
I'm comfortable with having my picture taken
& everything is EASY & FUN
& I'm looking UP
what does it mean when you DREAM of
MADRAS PLAID PANTS
I don't think the type of fabric is the point
I'm not sure that I've CAUGHT
ALL the nuance
BUT
SOMETHING like
be yourself
DON'T WORRY about TRYING
those that LIKE you
will self select
