I don't really remember
BUT
I THINK
I fell asleep with the phone
in my hand
&
then woke up later
had to hunt for the phone
to plug it in
I'm not sure I'm doing
all that well
I was planning to quit yesterday
I mean
I'm planning to work through September 4th
because THAT
is the back to school schedule
yesterday
&
then Monday and Wednesday
through 9/4
my plan in my head, however
thought new girl would be there yesterday
& I would just
get Lucy aside
& say
I've been really happy that I could help you out
these last couple years
& I'm glad you found someone
who you know and like and trust*
*she worked with her at the place she taught in the heights
because I just have a lot going on
and I just need my time back
I was worried
BUT HOPEFUL that that
MIGHT
NOT
NEED
a lot of discussion with new girl there too
BUT
new girl wasn't there and Lucy wasn't working
& even though she came through
on her way to her last physical therapy
it just didn't work for me
SO
NOW
I'm freaking out a little
& therapist acted like he was surprised
I wanted to give notice at all
LIKE REALLY?!
BUT NOW
I have to explain it to him
AND I'm not sure what I'm explaining
I had THINGS I wanted
out of this arrangement
& I'm done with THAT
BUT
these are NOT people
that I'm just walking away from
NEVER to SEE again
AND
I was trying to explain that I like them
WHEN
I had just said I DIDN'T LIKE them
BUT
what I mean is
I knew them for years CASUALLY
Vikki since I was a small-ish child
I would like to have
an undisrupted casual acquaintanceship
with them and I'm not sure if that's possible
I DON'T WANT to be close friends
which is where they seem to be trying for
although then also
KINDA treating me like an employee
SO
talk to me like THAT
I'm STUPID for asking
ANYTHING
TELL me all your
"COMPLEX SYSTEMS"
& demand I follow them
AND
WOMAN bonding all-round
I'm NOT really down
for ANY of THAT
and I'm worried about the extraction process
therapist gives me the distinction impression
that he thinks
I just text
I'm OUT bitches
& it's done
OR
MAYBE
just don't go back
AND
when I was having to look up
how to process emotions
on YouTube
I saw a THING
the REASON therapy WORKS
is some sort of
TRUST
you build with your therapist
& THAT worried me
because I'm not sure that that's what I'm doing
I started to think about
the letters I got
of resignation
and
how I responded to them
& I LIKE myself
a little bit more
I used to tell them
NONE of YOU are replaceable
BUT
I UNDERSTAND that this is NOT
what you're doing with your life
THIS is a THING
you're doing
while you're going to school
or it's a second job
OR
WHATEVER
I KNOW you will LEAVE
& while you ARE NOT replaceable
when you are ready to LEAVE
I will have to do stuff
to try to prepare for that
SO the earlier you can let me know
the BETTER I can prepare
I WANT you to move forward with your life
I'm NOT gonna hold it against you
AND
I got a bunch
that were like
I love you, but I have to move forward with my life
BUT
I don't think
this transition is going to be that smooth
I HOPE I'm wrong
