goodnight sweetheart

i hope you're having a good time

i love you

'that's metal as hell'

one of my reps came by to help me put the order away
he got a piece of glass in his hand
i felt bad
but i was pretty sure it wasn't my fault
i've been pretty careful to clean up any breakages
but
he thought it came from a case
probably got broken in the truck

i've been cutting myself on non-sharp things, lately
nasty cardboard paper cuts
tearing my skin up on sharp corners of plastic signs
they hurt
but there's not much damage done
since the edges are rough, they heal fast

but
i guess by way of commiserating
or, something like that
i told him about when i was a kid


we lived in this apartment complex
between the apartments
and the baby giant [corner store]
was a bar
it was the kind of bar
where everyone smashes their beer bottles in the parking lot
i don't know what kind of bar that is
but
my daddy sent me to the baby giant
regular
to buy him cigarettes
this is back when you could send your seven year old to buy cigarettes

i only wore shoes
when somebody was making me
so i always walked barefoot across the broken glass
so
pretty regularly
i'd get pieces of glass embedded in the calluses of my feet

and they'd just stay there
until they grew up to the surface
and i picked them out

it was kinda cool
occationally a little uncomfortable
but absolutely no big deal


to which he said
that's metal as hell

which i kinda liked

not tonight, josephine

Venus in winter
chimes in summer
and spring
and
hell, maybe fall too
falling through time
through dreams
delusion
I don't want
another sobbing band aid scene
for my 50th
I want better than that
I want
a god damned adventure
for a life
not
just some little jaunt
I live in a cage
and
I mighta painted myself into this corner
but
you did help
so
if you can't help me get outta it
at least
understand
that you might not
be
the most important thing
I have to worry about


although
I did want you to be


remember
when I told you
you were the love of my life
just wanted to say it aloud
remember that


but
you
would let me get
ten years
into a relationship (?)
and still
not be able to say
one thing real


walking down the street
laughing


what would you do
anything


do you understand
this


not saying it
is driving me mad
wtf
really
how can you look at me
without actually looking at me
origami creature
I'm supposed
to
what

i feel like i've gone down a rabbit hole

I can't send pictures
because
my skin was pretty cleared up
and i was in a hurry
so I just wore the powder I like by itself
but it has salicylic acid in
and it over stimulated
and the little sebum kernels came to the top
and
I'm a picker
but
I'm insane right now
and I made this huge joker looking
contusion thing
which I want to wear makeup over
but then it won't heal
so
I'm still too scary looking
to send pictures
I've been slathering my skin in oil
and
it's looking much better
except for the big scary thing
and still a little forehead
and one cheek


it doesn't really look like a cold sore
unless you don't know what one looks like
and then it does
so
I'm feeling nicely hideous
but
I did this to myself


I'm sure
whatever you're wanting right now
I've not been providing it
but


I figure
by now
you're either
mad
or worried
so
I'm trying to fill you in

good night baby

gotta go to bed
hope you are well
crazy day
hate Christmas

i haven't thought about this in years

but
my mother picked me up in her car
rather than meeting for dinner
she parked
I opened the door
and then I put my hand up in the door frame
to kind of brace myself
because she has an SUV
and I find it awkward
to get in or out


but
as I put my hand in the door frame
up where the top of the window would be
I had a memory
something I haven't thought about in years


when I was
I'm not sure
seven, maybe


I was getting into the car
I was in the car
I had my hand in roughly the same position
she slammed the door shut
slamming my hand in the locked door
got half way around the car
heard my screams
had to come back around
unlock the door
open it


maybe
maybe only one finger was caught
that's not how I remember it
but
only one finger was damaged
she took me to the doctor
and the doctor was all like
well, that was close
you just missed the growth center
then her finger
would have stayed that size
forever


I always kinda grouped this
with my other finger injury
my childhood emergency room visit
other hand, though
maybe a year before
or less
I had been sitting on a
folding wooden stool
left hand this time
in the works
and it collapsed
not latched correctly
or whatever


anyway
it wasn't broken
but
I did have a blood clot under the nail
and they had to drill a hole in it
left pointer finger
it kinda hurt
and it smelled
when they drilled the hole
I got a wonder woman comic book
for being so brave
and it was fine


I lumped them together
my whole life
first digit injury
left, right


but
tonight
for some reason
they differentiated
because


suddenly
it was
she didn't look
she didn't check
she didn't ask
everything inside


suddenly
it was slamming the door
to make sure it was shut good
so it wouldn't whistle
or make a noise
or whatever
but
not
to make sure I didn't
shut myself into the door


it was overwhelming
and
I'd never had that thought before


and
I posted this
and
then realized
you won't know
the wonder woman comic
that was Deborah

strange dreams again

these were more fragmented
plus
I can't remember them as well
at one point
there was this great community pool
but then
when they were gonna close for the season
rather than covering
or draining
they filled the pool
with glass and garbage
so
if you tried to swim in it
you'd get hurt


there was a trip to Disney
and I didn't seem to have my I.d.
so I couldn't get in
but
I didn't really want to go to Disney anyway
but
that was on the heels
of a much more complicated dream
which I don't really remember
except
the wife had a used red car
and everybody knew her for it
it was like the equivalent of
mercedes&Ferrari somehow
it looked like and older model Mercedes
but it revved like a Ferrari
and I got to drive it
briefly
I really wanted one
and she always said it was used
like, oh, this old thing
but
it was pretty amazing


and
there was something
about
rain
Zen rain gardens
I don't remember how it worked
but
it was amazing

so, i'm at work

I'm starting to wonder
am I officially depressed
should I be seeking meds
am I a difficult person?
how much of the trappedness that I feel
is just in my head
how am I going to get over it
what's going on with you
are you ok
how close do you actually want me


I don't feel like myself
I don't feel happy
but
if I felt happy
would I feel like myself


I want to run away
I want to live away from people
that desire
it's not getting weaker
as I age


and
probably
a lot of things

more ungood dreams

I dreamed
I was trying to manage my dept
which I can't remember
what that was exactly
but it was coffee, somehow
tasting room maybe
because I needed three sleeves of cups
so I ordered them


but then
the new manager
I guess saw I had been the last one
to order cups
and left a message
that I didn't get until late
be sure you order cups


now
they were pretty much outta cups
that had been borrowing
from other stores
but nobody knew how many they owed
I couldn't find out pars
or sales units
or
even
how often cups could be ordered
so
did I mention it was Christmas time
really all I could do
was order the maximum
which was ten boxes of each
but they didn't have room
for that
and it was 5:05pm
and maybe cutoff was 5:00pm
so maybe they wouldn't get anything
and I was appalled and super stressed
because
I know how to order
but you need to know
something
to get it right
and I wanted to order all these
beautiful packages
of Christmas cookies
because I knew I could sell them
but
I thought I probably wasn't allowed to
and that stressed me out too




then
there was Lloyd
he was an older than me guy
not like old
he was sweet
but a huge downer
he was a widower
and he talked about his wife
constantly
and he wasn't my friend
but like a long-standing acquaintance
I think he was a customer
and I was standing outside
in the country, somewhere
introducing him to some other
male acquaintance
they were talking
and
it suddenly became clear to me
that he resented me
for never wanting to
I'm not sure
sleep with him
date him
marry him and take care of him
and
I had never had any attraction to him
what he inspired was pity
more than anything
but
there had never been one inch of room
for me to develop feelings
how could he resent me for that
and then
he says to the other guy
Myrna and I
were always meant to be Memphis
we were always just a little too
St. Louis some how
and then he split and divided
and became a crowd of men
pushing up on me
crowding me
passively aggressively
demanding things of me




then I woke up

i fell asleep

musical theatre version of star wars
but
they did do some cool
split screen stuff
and symphony on stage
there was walking through
with cards
like
either
old vaudeville
or
I was gonna say
laugh in
but they had stuff written
on their bodies
didn't they


then
there were these young guys
and they were trying to
claim they were so so great
huge dicks, they were claiming
and I was pretty over it


saying
like this big
with things that look big on the outside
but, like, it's all packaging


I feel a little better
but
I think I'm'onna try to go back to sleep

continuing that other story

on where it was
just telling you here

not going to work

she sounded angry
probably somebody else called out to
I dragged myself in feeling bad
most of last week
and besides
when I exhibit symptom
dizzy
I feel like that means don't go
but
I feel like I may have called in sick
maybe one day a month
for the last few months
so
maybe that's a pattern
maybe I'll get written up
idk


I slept until 1pm in all good faith
trying to get better
I feel worse

weird dreams again

I think I was managing a baseball team
but
I also had an at bat
in one inning
which I was waiting for
but things were going slow
and then something came up
crisis-y
I got called away
and I missed it


then
in another part
I was almost asleep
when two armored SUVs
pulled into my yard
tearing up my grass
waking me up
I mean they were two feet from my
sliding glass door
and they started delivering gallons of milk
no
wrong address
you want to take this to
our receiving warehouse
which was printed on their ticket
and scratched out
my home address written in
this is not the fight place for this


I woke up several times in the night
upset stomach
and
my head and neck and back
hurts really bad
I don't know what's up

i want to write something, but i'm having trouble, so, this

I'm starting in the middle, roughly, maybe. I know, I know, you're supposed to start at the beginning, but I can't. I'm not sure when everything started. Not really. Not sure. And besides, the beginning is confusing and hazy-- you'd just check out anyway. So, I'm starting where I'm starting, and I'm probably not explaining everything adequately-- feel free to ask questions as we go.




2016 wasn't the best year ever. The presidential campaign seemed like it had been going on for like five years; I think everyone wanted it to be over. But when it was over, somehow, it was even worse than ever. I mean, the country's been all polarized for years, sure, and I guess when the current president won maybe half the country thought that was a really bad thing. Maybe they were burning him in effigy. For sure there was that whole birther thing. So maybe it's just me. I was hopefully optimistic last time. Before I saw that he wasn't rolling back the encroaching homeland security 1984 stuff-- which was, to my mind, the most important stuff he needed to do. But now it's been approved and codified by both parties and we are never getting privacy back. Not that most people seem to want it. Social Media. And maybe we're getting the president we deserve-- by which I mean the kind of guy who has social media fights and no attention span.


maybe I'm still hopefully optimistic. I doubt he will be as bad as I imagine he'll be. Maybe I'll be proven wrong again. I would say that I hope the Democrats learn something from this. Like just because the Republicans have gone the freaky far right route doesn't mean that right of center works for them.


or maybe you don't agree. Maybe you think the Democrats are super liberal?! Maybe thrre isn't any center left to land on.


I'm trying to remember if I voted for Bill the first time. I'm not sure. I think I did. But I may have voted for Perot. It bothers me that I'm not sure.

strange dreams

there was a war
or something
so I was trying to get clothes
and extract protein from food
or maybe not just protein
maybe it was all nutrients
but all condensed into little globules


there was another part
where I was in a car
and I was traveling
and I was trying to figure out
where there was a restaurant
without letting my phone
find my location
because I didn't want them to know
 where I was


in another part
I was a teenager
in a family
we were evacuating
I was trying to figure out which socks
 were clean enough
there was a teenage boy
trying to attach himself to me
get rid of him my mom said
but
all the ways I could think of
to get him to go away
without causing us trouble
involved sex
and that was not allowed
so
I ended up doing something
I'm not even sure what it was
but I was washing the crotch of my pants
and trying to roll them in a towel
to dry them
so my mom
who was suspicious
wouldn't be able to tell


and then
something about extracting
sugar, or carbs
from food
the same as the protein from earlier

i think it was yesterday

I was driving home after work
I asked god
can you show me a sign
what does he think about our future together
the drive home is a little longer
because there I always traffic
but I just got about a mile down the road
and
CRACK
something hit my car so hard
I was afraid the window might shatter
well, that's definitely the sign
but
is that good
I mean
it kinda scared me
and had overtones of damage
it sounded like a large rock
but
I couldn't find any new scratches or dents
I remember being better
at interpreting signs
but
maybe I've never been very good at it

signs from god

i've been asking for signs
but
for a while now
I've been kinda depressed
and
stressed
so I'm feeling like I'm floating in space
not
connected to god and the energy and everything
so
a few weeks ago
before work became a hell
I asked for a sign
and my shoes squeaked all day
I couldn't figure out why
that had to be the sign
but
I have no idea what that means
so I asked again
could you maybe clarify that
I don't understand
the question had been
help me see
what i should do next
job-wise
am I supposed to be a fucking cobbler
I don't get it
so
the second day
I walked through a puddle
and my shoes squeaked for about 30 minutes
I'm still confused
idk


today
today I asked
show me something I need to see
and
on the way to work
which is only like a ten minute drive on a Saturday, so, like, no small feat
and
almost immediately
emergency vehicles
like everywhere
ambulances, fire trucks, I'm not sure what all
so
I'm like
ok
emergency
but
again
that isn't very specific
but
then I thought
maybe you are in trouble
maybe something is wrong
I've been pretty caught up in my unhappiness
and i haven't had much to offer you
so
I'm sorry


without knowing what's wrong
here's what I've got
I love you
you are beautiful
and i wouldn't change you in any way
I wish I knew what was going on
but
I'm having conversations with my supervisors
that I can't remember
but
it ended with him saying
stop saying whatever
and me saying why
whatever is my favorite word
and the other supervisor saying
it was my favorite word when I was in seventh grade
it's disrespectful
so
maybe I'm in a crisis
maybe the emergency is for me
I don't know


but baby
I'm doing the best that I can

i dreamed i was a viking

now
gotta say
a male Viking
and
there was more
actually
it was more like Thor
because I'm pretty sure
it was an alien planet
and
instead of a rainbow bridge
there was a frozen waterfall
that went around the whole planet
it was just me
and
an old man
who was my grandfatherly mentor
or whatever
he was ancient
and my only tie to Vikinghood
except
the young woman
who I was going to be sitting beneath the tree with, which was, I guess, their euphemism for
marriage

1987, we were twenty

and maybe this is nothing

but
there's been all this Selena
remembrance
and then
I think in my facebook feed
there was somebody
weeping over someone
who I didn't recognize
who I guess
died young
and i was all like
when
when is somebody
gonna weep
wail
remember the loss
of Rebecca Schaeffer


I still miss her
and it's like she was never there
and yeah
ok
she didn't do much yet
but
she would have

i'm having trouble

I'm sort of enraged
one of the vendors didn't show up
that's not why
I think there may be something wrong with me
and
when I was trying to figure out
which Saturday was the Saturday
before thanksgiving
I realized
that Saturday
is NEXT Saturday
I want
I want drinks in fruits with tiny umbrellas
I want foot massage
I want presents
lots and lots of them
I want sex that makes me scream
and a source of income that does not
I want fish
cooked in giant banana leaves
and pineapple charred on a grill
I want to lie naked in a tanning bed
the blue lights raising my mood
without burning
I think I got up to eight
or maybe ten minutes
when I did it before
it's not that I want to tan
I want to stay pale
it just feels good


I want new clothes
new perfume


I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning
I want
I want
I want

ok, if you think you might ever stop loving me

be sure and tell me
because, seriously
that's all that's holding me together
at all
right now
these people are idiots
I'm so stressed out about this weekend
book signing bullshit
no information
no communication
no body cares
I'm super stressed
because I feel some responsibility
Idk why


I hate this
all of this
and
I would happily just discorporate
not to have to deal with any of this
anymore


I don't really believe
we'll ever be really together
which makes me sad
and mad
and
a bunch of emotions
I don't have names for


but still
that you love me
and i love you
that's enough
that I'm not going to discorporate
but
if you think
you're ever likely to stop


I guess don't tell me
I don't want to have to run the numbers


I made bad life choices
and it's my own fault

and

for some reason
I think you're mad at me


I don't know why

mechanica

I dreamed that i needed
some kind of female surgery
oh
but I was young and hot looking
and
it was only gonna cost
three hundred dollars
but
they were gonna do it
and this was like standard medical procedure
outside
in like a mechanic bay
where men could just come by and watch
and
I was worried
about being molested
and
whether it was sanitary
and
whether they actually knew
what they were doing


but
it was cool that I didn't need insurance
and could afford the surgery

well, i know i said i was gonna do something fun

but
I didn't
I was too exhausted
and
not really in the mood for fun


but
I hope your day
was ok, ya know


I love you
I'm going to bed soon

i wish i could hug you and tell you it'll be ok

so imagine I'm hugging you
I'm imagining it too
now imagine that the country's not
goin to hell in a hand basket
and I'll imagine that too
good night sweetheart
this has been
a very long
horrible day
for me
I hope yours was at least a little better

i've been up 23 hours

I'm so so tired
but I had to
watch all that
I'm kinda numb
I didn't expect that

for tonight

panettone

just left work

good lord
that sucked
well
now let's see who wins the election
off tomorrow
must do something fun!

happy election day

I love you

i've gotta go in even earlier tomorrow

I love you baby

goodnight sweetheart

I have to go in
super early in the morning
I'm going to try
to have more magic

rainbow serpent

other than the quetz'l
the rainbow serpent
lives in my imagination
but
apparently
can claim me unbidden as well


I got those cards in the mail yesterday
and
after I had coffee this morning
my headache's a little better
there is this giant snake
going through walls
ceiling
bouncing off shit
like just filling everything
but
moving moving moving
constant motion in my peripherals
much faster than I'm vibe-ing
[fucking auto correct on my phone
gave me some shit on that one
apparently I'm committed to that word choice]

i telk you what

this week would not have been possible
which
I'm not entirely sure is a good thing
if I wasn't doing so so much better
before
I had to take my breaks
because
after two hours
I needed a break from the pain
and then
not so much the pain
but the fatigue
but
now
I'm just plowing right through
not quite like the old days
but
whatever
I'll take it


ALA
NAC
ALCAR
EGCG
biotin
horse chestnut
serrapeptase
glycine
in the morning


in the evening
replace biotin with magnesium
and horse chestnut with nattokinase

or, contrariwise

the world is going to hell
in a hand basket

i hope you're doing ok

I wish
I was
having nachos and margaritas with you
we could talk about your week
you could tell me
all the things
that pester you
and all the shining moments
and
we could get a little tipsy
and
realize that everything
is really really good
like happily ever after
and all that jazz

today was even worse

and
I didn't even get a lunch
to think unimpeded
I was angry
I had plans for something
but
I found
even after I came home
I just couldn't work on it


I'm sorry baby
my life is not great right now


I wanted to do something
with cards
write something


I love you
goodnight

i woke up so thirsty

I can't remember ever being this thirsty
I don't know what's up
probably dehydrated
but
I'm not sure that usually prompts thirst
it should
but
I'm not sure it does
I dreamed I had two cars
and i was trying to figure out
how to take one in and drive the other
and still get to work on time


not sure what that means
love you
more later

so i didn't leave there until after 6

and I just woke up from a nap
hope you're having a wonderful day
I'm gonna go drink some coffee

this is not going well

and I am super stressed out
when I get home
I'm going right to bed

i'm afraid i didn't get an actual story, but

I did get some good stuff
the part of my brain that could have
actually constructed
was busy fuming
because they scheduled me
for time when there wouldn't be a manager there, even though I specifically asked
and they did some other shit
that i won't go into
but
I was mad
so
no construction


but
drinking something
walking out my door
the sky cycling through
quickly
sunrise to sunset
constant wash of color
from pink to gold to orange to purple
pink to gold orange to purple
til I get to a campfire and a tent
we meet there
the tent is large
tall
tipi or Yuri like
and
it's very psychedelic
like
I always think of the scene with the Indian
from natural born killers
words projected
on the fabric of the walls
on your flesh
I don't know what the words are
what they mean
only
that I want to know
and
we drink something else
and
we embrace
and
we burst into flames
and
we dance, closely
and the flames become an abstract thing
arching in patterns of incredible beauty
but nothing else catches fire
it's only us

did i ever tell you [warning: stream of consciousness]

it snowed on my sixth birthday
now
maybe that's not a big deal
if you live somewhere where it snows
but
that was the first time it had snowed in my lifetime
i mean
sure, i'd seen snow on the television

it was january, and
as it happened
i had a cold
i was sick, a lot, as a child
and they didn't really think i should play in the snow
but
i mean
it might now happen again in my childhood
and they figured i wouldn't die
so

i put on like three pairs of socks
my trusty maxi coat
which was still long at that point
we stuck my feet in some empty roman meal bread bags
ya know
to keep my feet from getting wet
and
out i went


i tried to find a video of it
but
the only one i could find that looked right
was from the 1960 snow
which i can't remember anyone mentioning
hurricane carla was the only weather event i remember being talked about

whatever
that's a little off topic

here's the best representation (plus she's got a link to 1895 20" snowfall downtown picture)

that downtown picture
the town was 58 years old


we built a snowman
it was weird looking
i saw a picture
i think it was in a packet that deborah handed me
she came in to my work
when my father was in the hospital
i'm not sure what she was trying to do
she somehow had the idea that i was abandoning him
i didn't think that was what was going on at all
but
she did upset me at work
and
manage to push me away from him
maybe i abandoned him after that

we built a snowman
we had a carrot for the nose
we used light bulbs for the eyes
i'm not sure about the mouth
what was the mouth
we used one of my dad's hats
a black woven number that i think they call a beanie today
but
when he wore it with his peacoat
he looked like a merchant marine


i can remember that house so well
we didn't live there long
it was a house they rented
was directly across the alley from my gran gran
it was a cute little bungalow
i watched love american style there
before deborah enforced the 9pm bedtime
that was where we lived when i stuck the exacto in my hand trying to whittle
the dangers of public television
i had my own bedroom
i had curtains and sheets with big abstract orange and yellow flowers
that frightened me
because they looked like faces in the dark

i remember

i'm wondering

if I'm writing you a story
what you would most like
to read
I've had a lot of things
floating around
but
nothing's really
settling in for the long haul


think at me

actually

2000 pounds
really isn't that unusual
but
all at one time and quickly is
and I had to move displays
before I could set those up
the order
came
both earlier and later
than I expected


I know this isn't interesting
but
I am a golden god!

i just moved LITERALLY a TON of wine

and
I'm sweating
but
I'm not exhausted
so
my supplementation
WORKS!

sorry, that might

have been
supposed to be
6000 per day
per polling location
I think that's right
not like
6000 across all the polling locations
but I'm not sure how many there are
not like a couple though
like a list


it feels weird to have voted already
although
this is the second time
I've done
early voting


but
it's still almost two weeks
weird

i love you

I'm doing a promo change next week
so
some overnighting
that actually worked better last time
I wish I could listen to music
or book tape
while I work
but
I can't
I kinda block everything out
for one
and too
I can't really work with a device strapped to me
I drop it
or break it
but
I can sometimes
use another part of my brain
to write something
so
maybe I can do that
we'll see


there was something else
some point
but
I'm listening to the radio
and
it's left me


anyway
whenever I think of it
I'll have to write again
I feel like it was semi important


anyway
I love you

well, i early voted

so I don't have to worry about how to fit it in
on actual election day
it was busy
at 10:30 on a Wednesday
they're expecting like 60% early voting
in my county
6000 a day in my city, I think


I voted straight ticket
which I rarely do
even if I actually do, ya know
and I wanted to vote
straight ticket green
except
I think there only is the top of the ticket green
and I wanted to vote for jill stein
and i almost did
but in the end
I voted against trump


and then
maybe
starting the day after election
I'll join whoever will run against her


it's a bad thing

i'm thinkin about you sweetness

i've been haunted all day by my dream from last night

i dreamed i got a job with my aunt
we had to be there really early
but
i wasn't with her
i don't think she was in the dream
just mentioned

but
she had lived in my grandparent's garage apartment
when i was a kid
and
i guess the implication was
i was going to their house from her apartment

that's the house i grew up in
the one i think of as "home"

it was dark
early morning
and i opened the gate
went through the dark covered section
so scary
dark
then in the back door
of the laundry room
an enclosing of the original back porch/yard/something
then up the cement steps
one, two, three
into the pantry
into the kitchen
into the dining room

so happy to be home
so quiet

then i heard something from the living room
stuck my head through the pocket door

my gran gran and paw paw were sitting in their chairs

he looks over at me
you can't just come here you know, he said
you have to give advance warning
like i was disturbing their eternal slumber

i didn't know you'd be here, i stammered

but i felt like i didn't have a home anymore

today was hard

it's not a big deal
but it did suck


anyway
my brain is still fried
so I'm not gonna stun you with brilliance


but
I do have a question
does Chelsea really believe that
marijuana kills people


I keep seeing I in the feeds
but
I haven't bothered to fact check that
but
if she does believe it
what could she possibly
be basing that belief upon


apparently
it cures cancer
haven't fact checked that either


I want weed
I miss it
maybe it could cure all my health issues
and get me high too


good night sweetheart

ok, so possibly i have offended you with my outlier opinion

but whatever
men and women have baggage
if we are going to hold everyone accountable
for every nervous bullshit attempt at humor
for their entire life
whatever
I think
he's said enough stuff
right now
in public
that we can take umbrage with


and
when you are dealing with men
you may not get this
but
you've got to take their generation into account


I'm much more offended by things
people have actually done
that by shit they said


but
it was interesting to note how
disconnected he is
like thinking that "locker room banter"
will play with anyone


but
having that press conference
that was weird
and having them all sit there in the room
I'm guessing
to rattle, or threaten Hilary
it's not good taste, for sure
but
it's beyond that


I mean, maybe he's trying to underscore
hey I just said some stupid shit
this guy actually harassed these women
except bill isn't the one running
so
I think
he was trying to say
that Hilary harassed them too
smearing them
victim blaming, maybe
cover up, for sure
it's a shame
he is so inarticulate
because he really did not make his case
he just came off really kinda creepy to me


and
maybe it was supposed to be
like an arms race
like
you talk about me
well I brought the big guns


but
it just was kinda cluster-fuck
I mean, he did better than the first one
but Hilary didn't
and
I can't really call a winner
I guess you'd have to say she won
but
it didn't really feel like that
because I don't see that she accomplished anything


I still wish it was possible
to not end up with either one of these jokers


she can get things done
I believe that
I just don't trust her to do things I agree with


probably
I should just suck it up
and say
first woman president
yay


bought and sold
dynasticism
she voted for the war and is, I believe
a hawk generally
she just represents a lot of stuff I really don't like
and
truthfully
I was leaning toward not voting
for the first time
but
that seems wrong too
so
if I'm disillusioning you
I'm sorry

i feel like i should write something

but except for
the surreality of the press conference
haven't got much
I hope you're doing well

hoisted on his own petard

just to start honest--  i don't think anyone is disillusioned.  no one, surely, believed him a feminist.

but i feel kind of sorry for him.

he was talking to a younger dude.  he was trying to be funny.  he was being--  as close as i imagine him capable--  self-deprecating.  what he said on the bus.  eleven years ago.  it's ridiculous and hypocritical, almost, not to just let that shit go.

this is just the two of the one two punch.  which would never have worked.  if he had any impulse control what-so-ever.

so, does this underscore her effectiveness?  absotively!  she had the beauty queen lined up before the debate.  ready to go.  but she has to walk that not being a bitch line--  she just throws it out, almost casually.

and i'll be damned if he doesn't pick it up and fucking run with it.

ok.  she's a beauty queen.  she's got a contractual obligation to maintain a certain weight.  she didn't.  it caused some trouble and he may have lashed out at her inappropriately in frustration.  i'm pretty sure it went well beyond that.  but, if he had to say anything.  something like that.  to screech to anyone who will listen about what a terrible fatso she was crosses a line of decorum he's been one-two-skip-to-my-loo-ing for as long as i've been paying attention

but he made it the story.

it might have faded out, handled right.


there was a time when i thought, maybe, all his bluster and hot-button bigotry was a strategy.  i mean, not one i liked, but, ya know, it maybe made some kind of sense.  the republicans have been coalitioning the religios and the hatemongers for a while now.  it's not new.

what was new, and frankly, a little exciting, about him was his extemporaneity.


the people wanted something real.  the right-wing rallied around him.  telling themselves that he was a really really great business man who would make terrific deals for them and in their interest.

the left got thwarted by the machine.  maybe because she's just too effective, or maybe because, in the end, they aren't belligerent enough.  regardless.  the majority wanted something different.  both the blues and the reds agreed on that much, and, oh, the independents, what color are they.

if the thing that is finally too much, seriously, after everything, is that he said pussy on a hot mic...
i mean, bill clinton has said worse on the golf course.  i'm not even kidding.

i have thoughts on the donald

but
I don't have time to write them now
later

you might not think
this would be the case
but
pumpkin spice triscuits
excellent

punch & judy

ok
the whole punching bag thing
it reminds me of
maybe the only thing I've ever done
that I'm ashamed of


now
I don't remember this super clearly
but I'm gonna say
I was probably six


and
I'm gonna preface this
I got credit for throwing temper tantrums
when I was a small child
by six I was pretty calm, generally
but even the quote temper tantrums end-quote were more like in ability to control
my huge emotion
I'd get to crying
I couldn't stop
then I couldn't breathe
that wasn't by design


I was the first kid
the first grandkid
by the time they met my cousin
they never again
she would lay on the floor
flailing
screaming
and she was trying to get her way
which is a more appropriate
illustration of tantruming


of course
after I was living with Deborah
there was an immediate feedback loop
to constantly remind me
why
control was really the only way
and Spock
he was my mentor


but
my cousin
she pissed me off
I think she got most of the attention I had previously gotten
but
she provoked me
and she disturbed
I don't know
the way things should have been
with me and my gran gran


and she always sided with her


now
if I was six
maybe close to seven
she couldn't have been more than three


so
maybe not logical on my part
but
looking back
I'm sure it just added on to
the whole my daddy siding with Deborah
telling her all my secrets


and maybe there was
a little anger
like
maybe she could have
fought to keep me with her
instead
of letting me go to a place
where I was unhappy
because by that time
I was two to three years into
evil-stepmother-land


I had no conscious awareness of any of that


I was just being held, restrained
by her
I'm not sure why
what did she think I was gonna do
but I was facing her
and this wave of anger overtook me
and


I punched her in the stomach


in my mind now
she is
the frail woman she was right before she died
at sixty-seven




but really
I don't think she'd had her first heart attack
she was about your age
at least the age I'm pretty sure you are


but
sometimes
I just see it over and over in my head
like a spectator
watching


punch
punch
punch
punch
punch


see how you can be

clowns

I wanted to write something
about clowns
because, ya know
there's that whole thing going on
and i don't get it
in a whole new way
than I typically don't get
patterns of violent behavior


I find
I haven't got much for clowns
I watched Bozo the clown as a kid
had a Bozo punching bag


I had forgotten about that
until just this second


but
for me
even that
wouldn't really be about clowns


I don't have a special category for clowns


I was never afraid of them


but
they were never my favorite either


my hippy aunt
talked about wanting to be a clown
or a prostitute
or a nun


I think it had some anonymous element
for her
and
performing a role
rather than having to be herself


man I thought she was crazy


not as crazy as these clown imposters


they've got the poor real clowns
going door to door
trying to rehab they're reputation


and i guess
as chaotic decline goes
we're on track
for the apocalypse

Quetz'l

i saw it yesterday
fluttering around the christmas ornaments
so beautiful
and
so frightening
feathered serpent

and i wondered
why
why am i a quetz'l child

i'm not native enough to count
i'm almost too white to buy makeup
and besides
i'm all
american and stuff

but still
quetz'l

black moon

I saw somewhere
Friday night is a black moon
which seems to mean
a second new moon in a month
which must happen periodically
but
wherever I saw this
was pairing it with some crazy prophecy
like October 3rd we're all getting marked with the number of the beast, and
there won't be any internet anymore
and the rapture will be November 17th


now, I think all this is total nonsense
but
we don't actually have a plan
for Armageddon
so
if all internet connection ceases
I'll try to use the personals
and failing that
I'll try to meet you by the lake
around sunrise, sunset


I think it'll be fine
you can't worry every time a crazy Christian says the world is ending

PUMPKING

dunkin donuts is set to win pumpkin spice this season 

this i read in (i'm hesitant to call it) an article somewhere online, possibly by way of email--  i'm not entirely sure.  link, link, link.  my first thought:  damn, it's early august and way way way too hot for that shit yet.  my second thought:  i gotta get to dunkin donuts. i didn't though.  i still haven't.  the nearest dunkin donuts is like a mile and a half off my travel path and i'm not makin extra time for that in the morning.  after work i figure it's probably closed, so i haven't bothered to go by.  there is, however, a starbucks on my travel path home.  well, not really.  my real travel path i go down the back streets by the elementary school, but my variant travel path goes down the main street which has a beautiful new starbucks that i kinda want to go into.  but it has a drive thru, so i didn't.  yet.  i will, someday.  so, i drove down the street along one side of the starbucks, turned on another street along another side of the starbucks, didn't stop, three days the first week of september.  finally i gave in.

grande pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot.  do you want whipped cream?  no, just throw some foam on top.  i get to the window.  six-something.  wow.  that feels expensive.  i take a sip.  i've wanted this for like a month.  it's not that good.  not like i remember.  does it need the whipped cream?  did i ever drink it with whipped cream?  i cannot imagine that i ever have.  was the extra shot a mistake?  have i ever ordered a drink without an extra shot?  anywhere?  ever?  i can't imagine that i did.  maybe their machine is calibrated wrong.  but that seems unlikely too.  self contained, pressurized, could-be-operated-by-a-monkey is the way they were going, and i can't see them backing away from that model.  maybe it's me.

i waited, impatiently, for the pumpkin ice cream at the grocery store.  their store brand pumpkin and eggnog are two of my absolute favorites.  and it's a problem if i have to choose between them.  and it's another kind of problem when they put them on sale two-for-five.  that, when i finally got it a few days ago--  the pumpkin ice cream, that is--  was really really good.  but even that made me want pumpkin pie.

and truth be told, i want sweater weather.  i don't like the real cold, but the thing that makes me twirl with girlish glee is when the weather chills just enough for sweaters.  i live in a place, am from a place, where there really aren't distinct seasons.  i'm not used to it, and i don't really miss it.  i see the beautiful red and gold fall displays that are so magical in other places and i think that would be awesome.  i look at pictures.  whatever.  but here, here it's summer six months of the year.  it's spring for about three weeks, and spring is great.  winter is fine.  hard to define, maybe, when it splits off from fall exactly.  it tends to rain a lot.  it's cold, but not really.  most of it is in the temperature range of chicago spring--  i discovered as a teenager when we first got cable and i discovered the weather channel (among others.  it's not like i watched the weather channel, as such, it just expanded my information potential.)  but fall?  i'm totally down for fall.  i love fall.

i guess the whole pumpkin thing is about that.

and i did find the perfect pumpkin drink quite by accident.  it's the cleanness and the ginger that make it.  it doesn't make me long for any other thing.  it is just good.  that's what i want.  things that are just good.  i can bring the magic.

PUMPKING

dunkin donuts is set to win pumpkin spice this season 

this i read in (i'm hesitant to call it) an article somewhere online, possibly by way of email--  i'm not entirely sure.  link, link, link.  my first thought:  damn, it's early august and way way way too hot for that shit yet.  my second thought:  i gotta get to dunkin donuts. i didn't though.  i still haven't.  the nearest dunkin donuts is like a mile and a half off my travel path and i'm not makin extra time for that in the morning.  after work i figure it's probably closed, so i haven't bothered to go by.  there is, however, a starbucks on my travel path home.  well, not really.  my real travel path i go down the back streets by the elementary school, but my variant travel path goes down the main street which has a beautiful new starbucks that i kinda want to go into.  but it has a drive thru, so i didn't.  yet.  i will, someday.  so, i drove down the street along one side of the starbucks, turned on another street along another side of the starbucks, didn't stop, three days the first week of september.  finally i gave in.

grande pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot.  do you want whipped cream?  no, just throw some foam on top.  i get to the window.  six-something.  wow.  that feels expensive.  i take a sip.  i've wanted this for like a month.  it's not that good.  not like i remember.  does it need the whipped cream?  did i ever drink it with whipped cream?  i cannot imagine that i ever have.  was the extra shot a mistake?  have i ever ordered a drink without an extra shot?  anywhere?  ever?  i can't imagine that i did.  maybe their machine is calibrated wrong.  but that seems unlikely too.  self contained, pressurized, could-be-operated-by-a-monkey is the way they were going, and i can't see them backing away from that model.  maybe it's me.

i waited, impatiently, for the pumpkin ice cream at the grocery store.  their store brand pumpkin and eggnog are two of my absolute favorites.  and it's a problem if i have to choose between them.  and it's another kind of problem when they put them on sale two-for-five.  that, when i finally got it a few days ago--  the pumpkin ice cream, that is--  was really really good.  but even that made me want pumpkin pie.

and truth be told, i want sweater weather.  i don't like the real cold, but the thing that makes me twirl with girlish glee is when the weather chills just enough for sweaters.  i live in a place, am from a place, where there really aren't distinct seasons.  i'm not used to it, and i don't really miss it.  i see the beautiful red and gold fall displays that are so magical in other places and i think that would be awesome.  i look at pictures.  whatever.  but here, here it's summer six months of the year.  it's spring for about three weeks, and spring is great.  winter is fine.  hard to define, maybe, when it splits off from fall exactly.  it tends to rain a lot.  it's cold, but not really.  most of it is in the temperature range of chicago spring--  i discovered as a teenager when we first got cable and i discovered the weather channel (among others.  it's not like i watched the weather channel, as such, it just expanded my information potential.)  but fall?  i'm totally down for fall.  i love fall.

i guess the whole pumpkin thing is about that.

and i did find the perfect pumpkin drink quite by accident.  it's the cleanness and the ginger that make it.  it doesn't make me long for any other thing.  it is just good.  that's what i want.  things that are just good.  i can bring the magic.

jumble

haven't forgotten
all these bits
purple purse at Christmas time
zoo balloon
Dallas record store
marijuana web of time
are sparkling and asking to be reworked
but
I can't quite land yet
I'm tempted to do something
christmassy since we just set it
but
I'm a little put off by Christmas in September
so I'm afraid it'll be bitter
what I really want
is a little surreal
that's what I mostly like
I'm about to get some coffee
and just start
and we'll see what comes out

i'm gonna write something

I don't know what
but something
I feel something, finally, bubblin up
and I'm writing this so that I have to

what LR said

I saw a customer today I haven't seen for a while
I'm all like how are you, it's good to see you
turns out he lives closer to the coastal store
do they have as good a selection, I ask
well, no, and they don't have you
aaawwww
but
he used to work for wineries in California
I'm not sure
Napa and Sonoma
I think
he ran the tasting room for this one
I really like him
and I think he legitimately likes my picks
he was telling me
winery with an amphitheatre
and sitting out in the field at sundown
listening to the doobie brothers


yeah, I say
and that's California weather
that must have been awesome


yes, he smiles
like I've given him another angle
to appreciate this memory


it's all really romantic, wine
the fog rolling down the side of the hill


I have told this to almost no one
one evening I was driving my jeep wrangler through the vinyard
it was about 8
the fog was moving out like fingers
I had a hand full of soil
[ I was single at that time ]
and I started to cry
why can't i share this with someone


and I thought of you


I mean, I don't really have anything that good to share, but
ya know

i fell asleep on the sofa

the kitty curled up on the pillow
his feet gently touching my arm
and I dreamed
something about football
not sure what it meant
I was in a room
with you
but
neither of us were talking to each other
there was another girl who was talking
it was meant to be a stadium
but the football was on tv
people were sitting out on the lawn
I stood on the porch
and stretched in the breeze
my clothes
were all worn, torn, and hole-y
and
there was sun
and breeze
and you near
but not football
people were having picnics
on the lawn
and
I think
in the distance
a water tower

thoughts on being a chick

I've been watching these YouTube videos
"how I did my makeup in high school"
and
ok
for most of these people
that maybe wasn't so long ago
but
1) they wore a lot of makeup
2) [and this is something I'm noticing other places on social media as well]
2) these girls seem to have issues
with thinking they're not pretty
or
they've got to bolster themselves up
in the you're good enough you're smart enough and gosh darn it people like you dept
or
they say things
that are shocking me


so
I have to ask
am I super abnormal as a girl?
because I seriously never remember ever thinking I wasn't attractive
maybe not pretty exactly
because that's a specific type of thing
and
I can't remember caring whether people liked me
maybe I did
I just don't remember it


I think my father taught me
an unshakable sense that I was cool
and I don't think I've ever really needed anything else


these girls are like
I hated this about my face


really?!
I couldn't do my high school makeup
I used mascara pretty regularly
but
I didn't really take it off
I just rocked this black smudge
second day mascara look
pretty much all the time
and silvery gray lipstick
that's pretty much it
no foundation or powder for sure
I started that like two or three years ago
and
I am doing that to perfect my skin
no lie
I am not happy with the shit it's doing
I never had breakouts when I was young
I don't think I look ugly
but
I don't feel like it represents, ya know


I could do the mascara
which was Lancôme
I might find a lipstick
the right color
but
now I would need makeup
to approximate the skin
the skin was like it's own thing
the hair was better too


but
I don't think either my skin or hair
now
is ugly
I just feel like it needs a little work
to get closer to what it's supposed to look like


I do, however, feel a little cheated by my hair
when I got white hairs in my 20s they were three times as thick and were super wiry
so my plan
was always to get dreadlocks
when I got old
but
now my hair is thinner and weak
and there's no way I'm doing that to my poor hair
it's still good hair
but
it teased me
however
it looks to me
like i might actually have fewer white hairs
so, ya know, whatever


but
in case you ever wondered
whether I have girly thoughts like
am I good enough, pretty enough
no
not really
I have sometimes wondered
whether you are really all that attracted to me
physically, or if it's all my brain
but
I don't mean that like it's on me, ya know


is this making any sense?

i cslled in sick to work

my stomach's upset
my head hurts
my Achilles tendon (or whatever) is sore
my back hurts
if I go in
I just have to be for funds anyway
I hate that


so I just decided not to suffer
that's like two months in a row


I'm not sure why I feel so sub-optimal
maybe I ate something that didn't agree
maybe the alcar is causing trouble


don't know
I'm sitting on the sofa
kitty is keeping me company
by sleeping
he loves it when I stay home from work
but it makes him nervous if I spend the day in bed
but I may


something I'm doing is making my hands look younger
they look like they did when I was 30
I remember what that looked like
because it was when they first got
a little loose, not exactly wrinkly
but I said, at the time
ah, they finally look like adult hands
but they, subsequently, got
much looser
so
don't know
I'm putting everything I put on my face
also on my hands
except glycolic acid
I'm not a big fan
but
I need exfoliation
and I got it in a box
but I don't want to accidently rub it in my eye


my face looked better when I was taking 64 grams of msm a day
oh, wait, I'm not putting witch hazel on my hands either
and there isn't usually any serum left
I wish that was cheaper
but it does feel great
maybe it firms
maybe it helps heal breakouts
but it does feel great
the caracole cream
maybe that's what's doin it
I don't think it's very potent
I got it as a like barrier cream
I put on witch hazel
oxygen serum
facial oil
then the cream
and since it has mineral oil
it'll hold everything in
plus it's got collagen in
which plumps
it doesn't rebuild collagen
it doesn't work like that
but it will superficial plump
it makes a really really terrific primer too
I love it
but not so much as a snail cream
but maybe it has enough to do something
and so so cheap
that's probably what's making my hand better
since it's so cheap
I'm using it wholesale
slather slather slather


hope your day's going great
I'll write more later


don't promise it'll be more interesting that this
but
I am trying to get the skincare routing perfected
so, ya know, it interests me

i love you

deeply touched

O. Henry -esque
the tale
seeing
newness all around
waiting
pretended patience
for the obvious
chrysalis
newness
surely forth coming


ride the day into glory
gather called clouds
twist them
balloon animals
the world is thine
love

i'm awake (and i feel considerably better today)

I am not sure I'm gonna finish the reset today
I got a lot done yesterday
but
signage (which is the main thing I have to do today)
signage takes a lot of time
if I don't finish, though
whatever
as far as I can tell
nobody else really worries about it


I dreamed I was soaking in a really warm bath
I don't know what else
that's all I remember
my kitty
he is very disturbed by the schedule changes
I'm not ideal for cats generally
do to their love for schedules and order
this one is ocd
oh, I don't think I told you
he doesn't have that disease thing
he has ocd
and he gave himself a bladder infection
because he was waiting for the two times a day
I cleaned the box
seriously
so, anyway
we've gone to four
and he only has to wait
less than the entire time I'm gone at work
silly cat


so he's been waking me up
every couple hours
he doesn't like change
but
he did sleep with me most of the day


I've been thinking
I haven't been writing to you much
and maybe I should talk about that
but
I'm not sure
how to explain it, really
I haven't felt like I could
or had any desire to write, anything


but
I want to want to write
if you know what I mean
so maybe
I should make myself
but
I haven't felt metaphor-y
and
truthfully, that might be something not right
like depression or something
I just feel
like
flat
ya know
and I know part of it is
I don't believe the way i did
and maybe I don't want to write
because it'll come out in that
and
I don't want that
but
I'm not real happy with that reason
I have a lot of worries
about my mom
about my future
I don't feel like things are going well


but
this is a drag
I feel physically and mentally
pretty good
today


and
you are doing really well creatively
which is good
and I'm happy about that


I wish I was more on that vibe
currently

goodnight baby (except it isn't really night)

have a good day
the thing that used to be an email
it's really good

i was gonna sleep as long as i could

and I managed to sleep 14 hours
I feel terrible
isn't that funny
like too much sleep is bad too
whatever
I had a lot of dreams
I can't remember most of them
one I remember
from the first time I woke up to pee
I was telling fortunes with cards
but then
I said, wait, let me hold your hand for a minute
and suddenly I got very clear vision
it was a cuff of color and pattern on her wrist
yellow, red and blue
and it had all this meaning
that the cards couldn't show


there was another
that I feel lil I've had variation of
with an elevator
that traveled through time and dimension
briefly
just enough to be confusing
but not really enough to change anything
but if you missed the elevator
you had to wait 15 minutes
and it was very small


then there was one
where you were someone I saw
all the time
at the mall
and I thought we had feelings for each other
but you would never talk to me about them
then I went home
and it turned out the people I was living with
they were your family
and they were very worried about you
because they couldn't locate you
I had just left you at the mall
but
I didn't want to tell them that
and I wasn't sure what to do
but then i woke up again


anyway, I'm up now
till probably at least 6am
have a good day
sweetheart

i'm doing a reset

but
I'm doing it a little differently
I'm going in at 8pm
working til 4am
so
I'm trying to stay up
but
I'm tired
my head hurts
and I just heard a love song to another
undying love
and I want to cry


I went to breakfast with B the other day
she's maybe 22 now
and i thought we were going to talk about her
she had had a strategy for ceasing
virginity
we had discussed
last time we had breakfast
she's like the daughter
I've never had
but
she worked me around to talking about me
and you
which I had had no intention of doing
and
to be clear
she doesn't know who you are


are you sure you don't have one of those
pattern things
no, I say
I can't be absolutely certain
I've seen no evidence of it in other things
but
I have to leave open the possibility
that I'm completely insane


well, that makes it unlikely that you are


yeah, that's what I say
but the more information
she pulls out of me
the more she is looking at me
like I'm shooting up in public restrooms
or cooking meth in a camper in the desert


and I'm like
I don't care if you think I'm crazy


but that's not entirely true


one of the things that's good
about all this
my whole life
I've had a fear
that I'd end up in a mental institution
and
having to deal with all this
has made me more confident
that I can hold it all together
at least superficially
so I'm unlikely to become non-functional


I really like to talk to you, she says
I feel like I understand myself better
(whatever that means in this context)


well, I say
I'm glad I could be your fucked up role model

goodnight baby

I've been listening
to that one thing

goodnight sweetheart

I'm exhausted
from being with her
I have to go to bed now
I have to go to work in the morning
I wish
I loved her more

hope your day is beautiful

I love you sweets

it's good, that book

I'm most of the way through it

Chit Chat Summer

everyone on instagram is taking pictures in sunglasses
otherwise known, apparently, as "sunnys"
which
apparently makes me cringe
idk why shades is ok
but sunnys is so horrible
I would want to walk away and never
talk to someone again
if they described their headgear as sunnys
it's not a newness thing
I like new
I had to talk myself down
a few years ago
over gum
"fire" it was called
I wanted cinnamon gum
I would have accepted cinnamon
or even redhot
which has the advantage of being
something I grew up hearing
before
I really gave it much thought
and besides the shit is usually red
and always like a hot cinnamon
"fire" doesn't describe cinnamon
fire is not a good flavor word
I do not want fire gum-- it turns me off
consumer-wise
it's just a bullshit marketing word
I told myself
like arctic blast, shit like that
yeah, but i don't like that either


you liked green squall
yeah, well
that had poetry


but it didn't describe the flavor
you're counting points
for phrases you personally like


isn't that what marketing is all about
and I don't want to reward "fire" gum


ok, do you want some fucking cinnamon gum?
because, if you do, you got to buy the fire
it should taste like smoke
smoked cinnamon gum!
I would totally buy that


fine, just get the Shaun White gum
that doesn't seem to offend you


it's like that
in my head


sunnys
to me
doesn't sound cool
or neutral
or whatever
it sounds overtly plastic
in a way I find kinda skin crawly


I am also not fond of the term
"it literally gives me life"
which all the youtubers seem to use
meaning: this makes me happy
happiness is important
no doubt
just really hate that turn of a phrase


probably
people feel that way about awesome


whatever

i love you

I am having a strange tension
mild anxiety thing
going on
I hope you are ok

beauty

remember that guy
who irritated me
he would try to compliment me
with things that weren't true
and i said
I don't care if he is gay
he needs to stop looking at my ass
remember him?
well
I really like him now
he's the one who made me the wig
so we've been friendly a while now
but
we have conversations, sometimes
about the confining nature
of gender expectations
and, really, I think that was part of what made him stop saying to me what all women want to hear, but I do not
but
also
he's watched me
through my makeup journey
and
Michelle at work is doing the whole
YouTube watching
makeup journey too
and I brought her a blending brush
I got in my ipsy
because she was having trouble
finding a brush to do what she wanted


we'll call him D
was impressed
and may or may not
have called me a makeup diva
and it didn't even bother me


but
he wants to wear makeup
but
he also doesn't want to
it's a difficult thing
the whole gender expression issue
but
lately he's been leaning toward
and I personally don't think it is at all a binary
but today
I bought eye shadow for a man
which I'm pretty sure I've never done before
but I saw this beautiful quad
except it's actually a quint
but that sounds weird
with a beautiful peacock blue
and he's dark
so it's not like it would be bright
but I texted him to tell him
I just bought you an inappropriate gift


I think maybe that all tells you
something about how I am
that you might not know


hope everything's great with you
I promise not to buy you makeup
unless you want me to
:)

i slept most of today

I'm going in at midnight
promo change
I got a lot done earlier
so I'm just really changing one big area
and I've got the product already
then
signage
Wednesday
so
hope your holiday is good
I love you

i sometimes wish

you would
pick out perfume
something you want me to smell like
something that reminds you of me
something very personal
and send it to me
then
I could wear it
and have that whole
like
interactive
experience


is that crazy


is that even the kind of thing you'd do


maybe
or
maybe not

ok, kinda excited about this

I've been rehab-ing my foot/ankle whatever
so
whenever I have a minute
or it aches
or I think about it
I'm stretching it
until it hurts a little
in an awkward angle


so
fast forward
it's still a little achy
but
it is now
more flexible
by about fifteen degrees
in any direction
than the other one


and I'm like
oh yeah
dumbass
probably shoulda stretched em both


but
whatever
it underscores the point


good morning baby

i feel pretty good

not completely ache free
but
maybe completely pain free
the ankle is a bad ache
but
not bad, ya know
I got some herb that was supposed to
clean out my lymph
I'm prone to lymph congestion
though I don't especially feel any now
but that shit made me fee ratchet
I took it wed and Thurs
and it took Friday and Saturday
to get back to normal
but it wasn't like detoxy bad
it was like
this herb doesn't like you bad


but
the grocery store yesterday was like a party
even the people working there
were singing along


big wheel keep on turnin
proud Mary keep on burnin
rollin
rollin
rollin on a river

i was waiting with you

you were about to do something
and I was watching
how you manage
stress, preparatory to action
I was impressed
and we talked about it
you said something
brilliant that I want to remember
but I can't


then, suddenly
I see something
I think I saw your name on the feed
CNN, maybe, not sure now
but news feed


yes, you say
and wind it backwards
so I can read the headline


then
the scene changes
John Lennon is still alive
and I'm in his girlfriend's room
talking to her
she is mid twenties
blonde
really smart and funny
and very attractive
she's talking about John
and all the things she finds odd about him
and I gather
he and Yoko ate still together
this girl is the girlfriend
Yoko is fine with it
though she doesn't like the girl much


do you think it's weird
she asks me
the difference in our ages
no, I say
age is totally relative
it how you feel together that matters


and then I have to go to my room
which I across the street
at the warehouses
I meet someone else i know
I don't like being naked in public, I say
because I am noticing
I'm not wearing anything
and I go into a late night diner
there in the warehouses
we're talking
and I say
it sounds like a cliche
but every woman is beautiful
some are stupid, but even they are not stupid about everything
and the one thing they know
you might learn something
I think there was more
it seemed deeper in the moment


good morning angel

domes, tents, horses, fire...

i've got inventory today

I have to go at 3:30am
I'm not enthusiastic about that


I love you

my theory about the bad dreams

is that
as the scar tissue and whatnot is being broken down
emotional resonances are being released
and
rather than reliving whatever actually
is stored there
I'm just translating the feeling
into something currently in my mind


the other day
I dreamed I put an red hot pan
into cold water
ruining it
and it had been a new pan


that's not something I've ever done
it doesn't have much relevance
but
whatever
feelings


I hope
you're ok
and
that that dream has no relevancy


I love you

i don't know why i'm having bad dreams

I dreamed a bunch of weird stuff
my step father called me
he faked his death


but
the thing that really upset me


sometime in the middle of the night
I almost wrote you right then
but I was hoping I'd just forget it if I went back to sleep


you were looking at me
and your teeth were all yellow and brown striped and twisted, malformed
but you were looking at me
and you said
I'm diabetic
I'm tired
I don't have any interest in you
I don't love you any more


wtf is that shit


I realize
dreams don't have to mean anything
and
I'm not saying this dream meant anything
but
it did upset me

ok. i was just at the grocery store

they play oldies music
like seventies oldie
and
usually
rock
but today, in addition to that
they played the gambler
ya know, Kenny Rogers


now
I listened to this song
as a kid
and ya know, liked it, ok
but
the last few years
every time I hear it
and by few
I'm not sure
I might mean ten, ya know


when he sings the line


and somewhere in the darkness
the gambler he broke even


I tear up, a little


that's who I am
I guess

just woke up from a bad dream

why am I having bad dreams

i love you

the shoulder blade's much better
today is neck and lower back
I went to bed at 7:30 last night
and slept til 6:00
and
I'm still tired
but not hungry
I had an avocado
two grapefruits
and 100 calories worth of broth yesterday
well
plus coffee
still
not hungry
weird

update

ok
I am what, like a week and a half in
this serrapeptase kicks ass
I am planning a broth fast
I'm going to make kombu & shiitake
and
I might take chlorella
I suddenly feel like
I might not just have to be
a suit of armor
I might be able to move
and breathe
I can breathe


of course
the silly thing
once the PAIN is gone
you feel all the aches
and they start bothering you
like right now
I really need to pop my shoulder blade
three days ago
I wouldn't have bothered to complain
but today


and I have
that healing fatigue
but
whatever
I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna get fit-ish
I'm gonna have some life yet


I'm really happy


you should really try this stuff

good morning sweetheart

I love you

ok. you should really try this stuff

serrapeptase
I woke up breathing through my nose
and the crepe myrtles are blooming
I haven't taken any ibuprofen
I feel
pretty good
not like I'm completely healed
but
it's been four days
I've never had anything work faster
to make such a positive impact
and
I don't feel depressed
which I think I more because
of pain reduction
than because it did something to my brain
but
fuckin YAY
either way
ya know

ok. 3-3.5

but
I think I need to wait eight ish hours between doses
because
I took the first one at six
and when I took the second at eleven
I have felt very strange
like I imagine I'd feel if my blood pressure dropped substantially
I can't take it
so I don't know if that's what going on
but
whoa
I'm having some trouble
one of the things it can do is lower your blood pressure
but I had gotten the impression
generally
not like right now
I need a nap


I'm sure I'll be fine

correction

I had a typo or something
maybe I changed midstream
but
I'm not taking some magic ibuprofen 3
I'm taking three regular ibuprofen
twice a day
and two Excedrin migraine
now
when I had the flu
she gave me 800mg ibuprofen
and told me I could take it three times a day
but
I only took it twice a day
so
I'm not exceeding that dose
but
I didn't think that was a safe dose
and today
I actually feel much better
after only one day
but
I'm worried about later today
fingers crossed
no whammies


already noticing increased mobility
yay

serrapeptase

well, I'm trying something
I hope it works
I've been using the nattokinase
and i feel like it's really helped
with blood flow and whatnot
but not the pain in my ankle and heel


remember, I was telling you it was a seven
well, I had forgotten ALA
but I remembered it
and I've been taking it for a few weeks
and the pain's way down
but
I'm also taking ibuprofen three
two twice a day
which is too much
not sustainable
then I'm taking milk thistle
to support my liver


but
I heard about serrapeptase
they use it in Europe for inflammation
mostly
but
it does a bunch of different stuff
if it does anything
it eats dead tissue
so it cleans out scar tissue
and old injuries
but
you gotta take big doses
and you cannot take it with any of those pain killers
because it'll thin your blood too much
which I've been avoiding with the natto
by taking it a night
and pain killers in the day


but
I want to be free to move
not a calcified mass
so I'm risking that this is gonna work
I've got my pain down to like a two
and I'm risking
big pain
I'm nervous
but
I believe it's possible
it feels good now
but
I've taken a couple big doses
I soaked in Epsom salts for like two hours
and I've been off my feet for two days
so
ya know
who knows


but
I feel like I'm supposed to be able to move


I want to
I don't want to be defined
by my pain threshold


but
might not work
might end up having weird side effects
if it does work
might fix other shit
just no way to know


exciting?
not sure

skin three

I tried the moringa under makeup today
I normally use my little barn apothecary
orchid and blackcurrant serum
but
I think I can whip up a serum/primer
w/ moringa, broccoli seed oil, not sure
depends
on the other elements
but the texture is very very silky
also broccoli seed oil
and they're both anti oxidants


hope your day is going good
I love you

skin update

ok
the moringa oil is awesome
mixed with the black castor
also awesome
maybe a little thicker than i planned
probably whatever else i add should be thinner
although
i don't know
i can't stop touching my face
i feel good about this mixture so far

skin

so
black castor oil is purgative
moringa is purifying
both are nutritive
I want to keep a balance of mostly
linoleic over oleic
because that will help liquify
sebum
cleaning out clogged pores
for additional oils
I'm leaning toward musk melon seed oil
because it's high linoleic and
supports cell wall integrity
plus
melon in any capacity is cleansing
but
I'm having trouble finding it
except from Canada
where shipping I high
so
I might substitute kalabash oil
which I can get from shea terra
but
I'm not sure
that's only 3 oils
but that seems sufficient
pre-testing, anyway
I've just been testing the black castor
with my regular go to blend of
argan and baobab
but those are high oleic


I wanted to have six elements
so I could call it
deep six
but
I can't see adding anything just for that reason
I wanted black seed oil
and frankensence
for healing
but
maybe simpler is better
not sure
I really like the way the black castor smells
don't want to get too much
maybe some vanilla bean
but it'd have to be light
but
a sensory element would be good
this is really fun
ya know

i just had the most incredible dream

it was like
the first part of a novel


there was this girl
she was like a sunflower
pretty, sweet, fairly normal


except
she was from a rich background
other than that
completely relateable
she worked with an office type place
she did computer social media stuff
she did some sort of volunteer work
with the ballet
she was still paying off a tennis trip she had taken with a really good friend
who I think was a sorority sister
her big secret
she had had an affair
years before
with a famous writer
she was dating someone, semi-seriously
everything was going along pretty well


then, one night she gets the call
from the dark and the near
it's time for her initiation


she follows this trail
that is marked with these beautiful
blue and aqua glass candle holders
so many of them
it looks like a photo shoot for a magazine
she is dressed to the nines
cocktail wear
and when she sets to the underground headquarters
there is a pause
everyone claps
she has arrived at the dark and the near


and then
they tell her
how her life is going to be now
she's moving, somewhere, France, maybe
this and that thing I don't remember
she will be working
coincidence
I don't think so
with the author with whom she had the affair
the group seems to think this is just
a huge perk
but the subtext
is
she is supposed to break up his marriage
maybe
discredit him
maybe help him
it isn't clear
but
the dark and the near
they definitely come across as
like illuminati
and this whole
go in and change the landscape
is her first initiation
but
later
she might be killing people
you just don't know
and there was so much time spent
building her up as a sunflower


it was quite a twist

22 jawbreaker lollies

I dreamed
I was going to a show
just down the road
from somewhere I've been before
but I've no idea where it was
there was this whole graphic
GPS thing
about location
but
the dreamland version


when I got there
I bought 22 tickets


and then
a group walked by me
with two big bags of jawbreaker lollipops
and I was all like
that looks awesome
I'm gonna get that too

ok, sorry it's a long vid-- these are the brushes i want

doing a promo change this week

but
it's not too bad
so doing 6-2
had linner (lunch+dinner) with my mom today
I haven't got anything interesting to tell you
I'm not enjoying work
my heel hurts enough
that I am actually considering
probably won't
going to a doctor
how much pain is normal
do you think


it's better
I think
but
I'm not certain
I was thinking it's about a 7
but
then I reprimanded myself
I mean
I can surely imagine a lot more pain
than 10
if this is a 7
I mean
the time that dildo was cleaned with alcohol
and not rinsed
that probably is not the extent
of the pain you could feel
and
if that was a 10
surely this is more of a 6
well, 6.5, anyway


the weather had a little cool snap
which was fucking awesome
really really excellent
but
it's back to hot
and really really bright


I want
tropical drinks
with fruit, and tiny umbrellas
I used to joke with Becky that I wanted
a cabana boy
to bring me such drinks
and rub my feet
it was a running joke
but
somehow this imaginary guy
got a name
probably because
it needed a shorthand from the cabana boy
and, besides, it seemed rude
cabana boys have names, ya know
so becky's been gone
and I had forgotten about the joke
but
just now
telling you that i need fruity drinks
it made me think of it
my imaginary cabana boy
Julio


I kind of want
a rae Morris brush
they are super cool
but
I'm trying to talk myself out of it
but
the eye shadow brush I got
has rocked my world pretty hard
I have developed an obsession
where there was aesthetic interest before
I'm not sure I can do the whole link thing
on my phone
I'm writing this in bed


maybe you'll send me dreams
goodnight
sweetheart

phallic dreams

I don't remember much
I know I was in school again
for at least part of the dream
but
like
grad school, or something
and we each had cubicles
mine
and my friend in the dream
were bathroom stalls
I was not enjoying school
I'm'na have ya quit this
I thought


but
the phallic part
there was a stage
and there was this guy
jumping up and down
and
as soon as I realized
I tried not to look
but
he was huge
like maybe
3.5" or 4" diameter
and
foot long
and it was too high on his body
like near navel height
it kinda freaked me out

me and neptune

we had some communication about biting

he bites for several different reasons

sometimes
he doesn't want to be touched
sometimes
he doesn't mind to be touched, generally
but, specifically
he doesn't like the part of his body being touched
sometimes
he gets over stimulated and he needs to bite
sometimes
he expresses affection through biting
[my cat moon was like that]

so
we determined how hard he can bite me
without it freaking me out
he promises to try not to bite me harder than that
if
i don't touch him in ways that make him uncomfortable

which consists of
it is always ok to pet his head/face unless he is actively upset
which he will try to visually display before my hand gets into biting range

the over stimulated situation
is a bit trickier
he tried to make it clear
that he isn't good at controlling himself
when he's all riled up

he did this really amazing thing
where he attacked his face with his back legs
i was worried that he was gonna really hurt himself
after he got all riled up and was biting me
hurting me
and i'm screaming
let go let go

so
clearly
i'm gonna have to monitor for that myself
and he's got a short fuse
so
tricky

he's a very smart cat

i choose male cats, mostly
largely because i kinda like their dumbness
female cats are smart and manipulative
tenacious
and good hunters
in my experience
[kitten, amurr, harvey]

male cats are beautiful
sweet
and dumb
in my experience
[moon, piglet, midnight, weebo, shmee, buzz]

amurr wasn't actually smart
she was kind of crazy
but she was the other things

weebo was multiple personality, i think
because
sometimes he would look at you
and he didn't know who you were
so sometimes he was scared of me
but
otherwise he was sweet

he told me his name
or at least it seemed like he did
telepathically
i might have been high at the time
weebo zap zebo
was his full name

kitten
ended up being kitten
and
harvey
ended up being harvey
because they learned their names the first day
and they subsequently could not be changed

i was sure neptune knew his name
was answering to it
when i first got him
but
he doesn't answer to it now

so either he's setting boundaries
i do not come when i'm called--  i'm a cat
or
he was just responding to summons without understanding his name before
and
same thing--  boundaries


anyway
he wants to be friends
he likes me
i think
eventually
we'll work it all out