punch & judy

ok
the whole punching bag thing
it reminds me of
maybe the only thing I've ever done
that I'm ashamed of


now
I don't remember this super clearly
but I'm gonna say
I was probably six


and
I'm gonna preface this
I got credit for throwing temper tantrums
when I was a small child
by six I was pretty calm, generally
but even the quote temper tantrums end-quote were more like in ability to control
my huge emotion
I'd get to crying
I couldn't stop
then I couldn't breathe
that wasn't by design


I was the first kid
the first grandkid
by the time they met my cousin
they never again
she would lay on the floor
flailing
screaming
and she was trying to get her way
which is a more appropriate
illustration of tantruming


of course
after I was living with Deborah
there was an immediate feedback loop
to constantly remind me
why
control was really the only way
and Spock
he was my mentor


but
my cousin
she pissed me off
I think she got most of the attention I had previously gotten
but
she provoked me
and she disturbed
I don't know
the way things should have been
with me and my gran gran


and she always sided with her


now
if I was six
maybe close to seven
she couldn't have been more than three


so
maybe not logical on my part
but
looking back
I'm sure it just added on to
the whole my daddy siding with Deborah
telling her all my secrets


and maybe there was
a little anger
like
maybe she could have
fought to keep me with her
instead
of letting me go to a place
where I was unhappy
because by that time
I was two to three years into
evil-stepmother-land


I had no conscious awareness of any of that


I was just being held, restrained
by her
I'm not sure why
what did she think I was gonna do
but I was facing her
and this wave of anger overtook me
and


I punched her in the stomach


in my mind now
she is
the frail woman she was right before she died
at sixty-seven




but really
I don't think she'd had her first heart attack
she was about your age
at least the age I'm pretty sure you are


but
sometimes
I just see it over and over in my head
like a spectator
watching


punch
punch
punch
punch
punch


see how you can be