thoughts on being a chick

I've been watching these YouTube videos
"how I did my makeup in high school"
and
ok
for most of these people
that maybe wasn't so long ago
but
1) they wore a lot of makeup
2) [and this is something I'm noticing other places on social media as well]
2) these girls seem to have issues
with thinking they're not pretty
or
they've got to bolster themselves up
in the you're good enough you're smart enough and gosh darn it people like you dept
or
they say things
that are shocking me


so
I have to ask
am I super abnormal as a girl?
because I seriously never remember ever thinking I wasn't attractive
maybe not pretty exactly
because that's a specific type of thing
and
I can't remember caring whether people liked me
maybe I did
I just don't remember it


I think my father taught me
an unshakable sense that I was cool
and I don't think I've ever really needed anything else


these girls are like
I hated this about my face


really?!
I couldn't do my high school makeup
I used mascara pretty regularly
but
I didn't really take it off
I just rocked this black smudge
second day mascara look
pretty much all the time
and silvery gray lipstick
that's pretty much it
no foundation or powder for sure
I started that like two or three years ago
and
I am doing that to perfect my skin
no lie
I am not happy with the shit it's doing
I never had breakouts when I was young
I don't think I look ugly
but
I don't feel like it represents, ya know


I could do the mascara
which was Lancôme
I might find a lipstick
the right color
but
now I would need makeup
to approximate the skin
the skin was like it's own thing
the hair was better too


but
I don't think either my skin or hair
now
is ugly
I just feel like it needs a little work
to get closer to what it's supposed to look like


I do, however, feel a little cheated by my hair
when I got white hairs in my 20s they were three times as thick and were super wiry
so my plan
was always to get dreadlocks
when I got old
but
now my hair is thinner and weak
and there's no way I'm doing that to my poor hair
it's still good hair
but
it teased me
however
it looks to me
like i might actually have fewer white hairs
so, ya know, whatever


but
in case you ever wondered
whether I have girly thoughts like
am I good enough, pretty enough
no
not really
I have sometimes wondered
whether you are really all that attracted to me
physically, or if it's all my brain
but
I don't mean that like it's on me, ya know


is this making any sense?