peter pfeiffer, debbie moses, and the girl with the silver nose

this is a dream i had last night

i was back in college
again


i was in a german class
debbie moses was there
and she was pissed off at me
i couldn't figure out why

and why was she in a german class anyway
debbie took spanish
but
maybe
it's because i used her name

i was sitting next to my friend
and
i was thinking
how beautiful she was
her nose
was a bright shiny silver
the skin
joining the metal to the rest of her face
was black
and textured
the metal nostrils
slits rather than curving outward

peter pfeiffer was
as attractive as ever
and he was talking to my friend
leaning in
speaking german

i tried to listen

he got irritated

i tried to read his lips

he got irritated

there was more
i don't remember

but
i wonder
what are the salient
factors

i'm not gonna finish that story

or maybe i will
someday
but
i haven't been able
to make myself write it

maybe
for right now
i'll just tell you
the part you really want to hear

i was talking to god

i said:
look god
i'm not fussed about the money
i spent on the ticket
if
if i should just walk away
if i've done what i'm supposed to do
if this isn't the path, anymore
just don't get me there

and
if i am to continue
then get me there in a timely manner

this is the sign part, see
and
i was sure
sure i wouldn't make it
i slept no more than five hours
in america's best value motel
i was falling asleep
on the road
and i thought:
if i die
there will be no one to tell him what happened

and
i got lost
and
i got lost again
and
i accidentally exited
three times
rather than get on the fast track
and i wanted to quit
i wanted to turn around
and drive away
go someplace i haven't been yet
someplace beautiful

but
if i quit
i would never know

and
in the end
i was walking up to meet you
you walked past me, in fact
i don't think you saw me
but i was walking up
i looked at my watch
i was, exactly
on time

and
i said
as your shadow
sloped past me

that's gotta be a sign

cholent

i guess
i really ought to work up a recipe for this
it's kinda a culturally important thing
and
that chick
she's got a magazine now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae2-lQVFsGw&list=PLC5EDE100D1CDBB09&index=1&feature=plcp

this looks really gross to me

but
i'm up for the challenge
i've never been a barley fan
but i think it's supposed to be good for you

i saw this a while back
and i really enjoyed it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs10g5wOR9E

just off the top of my head
i'm thinking
this might be my chance to experiment
with black beluga lentils
i'm thinking
white beans
i've not cooked with them either
but
they just seem right
it seems like
probably needs chickpeas
but
that might overpower the other stuff
but
it seems like it needs meaty-ness
and
i'm not sure how meaty that other stuff is going to be
maybe mushrooms
but
mushroom/barley
is not a combination i've enjoyed before


i'll have to give it some thought

coffee shops

writing in coffee shops

seems natural to me

some people write in bars

and

i guess

if i spent a lot of time in bars

i'd eventually see them as a place to write

and

maybe it has something to do with being female

but

i don't see bars as a safe enough environment

to spin my energy that far away from my body

you don't know this

but

after you talked about that lala bar

i tried to go there

just to feel the energy

but

by the time i got there it was dusk

i'm sure it's different in the afternoon

but

i couldn't make myself walk in, even

i was slightly angry with myself

but i couldn't do it

so i walked a few doors down

and found

the perfect little coffee shop

ordered the hemingway special

sometimes

even someplace like an ihop or a big boy will do

it kinda depends

there's an ihop on figueroa that i could see

as a permanent base

i was lost there at 3am once

the more

diner or cafe

the better, really

starbucks, for example

doesn't really work for me

and

if i have to pick between diner or cafe

i think

i'm more of a diner writer

though

i couldn't tell you why

maybe

it's from hanging out at coffee shops

with my dad when i was two and three and maybe four still

maybe that's when and where i started telling myself stories

probably

that's a story

probably

i started telling myself stories at home

or at the park

but

i feel certain

i had a lot of free telling-myself-stories time

in coffee shops

and

maybe

that's why

but

even if it's not

i freakin love coffee shops

no more trendy sushi with the 30 year olds

so
my friend is actually younger than that
but preggers is the one that picked it

it was so loud
you had to scream to talk

we won't discuss the service
because
really
all you have to say is trendy


preggers and her husband
love sushi
but were arguing with me about what
sashimi
is
you cannot just get fish without the rice
they say
you mean here
i ask
well maybe in japan
they counter
no no no
i always get fish without the rice
everywhere


and
i was excited
because i found out
this place has special fish flown in from
some special market
in japan

but
i got chimachi
and
octopus
and
two seaweed salads
oh, and an iced tea
they added the gratuity automatically
so
7 pieces of
not really all that great
but not by any means bad
fish
and 8 dollars of seaweed
and 2 dollars of tea
comes to 48 dollars

the places i like to go are so different

my favorite place right now
they bring you hot towels to start
i think they pickle their own ginger
and the fish is so fresh
the texture
the moisture
roll-your-eyes-back-in-your-head-good

i go to a sushi lounge too
but
it is dark
with booths you melt into
the music is background enough
to carry on a conversation
and
i could live on their seaweed salad
and their escolar
is what passes in my current food incarnation as
an aged marinated medium-rare new york strip steak
and
you feel
ambiance-wise
like you might be in a bond film
even the bathroom
is in character


maybe
maybe i'm quite particular
but
i found out
my friend took ASL as her foreign language in high school
and that actually
really impressed me

but
she
was really glad i came
so
what the hell
it coulda been worse

but it made me think
imagine really
the little places
we might frequent
in our imaginary world

and that


kinda snapped me outa my funk

i love you

turtle dream

last night/this morning
i was dreaming about a turtle
it didn't have a shell on it's tummy
and i was petting it
it was a very tactile
soothing dream
and
the turtle purred like a kitten

when i woke up
i thought
you must have sent it to me
it was so steeped in love

before that
there was four-wheeling
up hill
through the mud
through the rough terrain

three different routes
and
i meant to take one
but
i ended up on a different one
and
ultimately
the destination
was
alaska

i'm not feeling good

yesterday
i took my first ever candle light bath
at 7pm
and then went to bed

today
i have no energy

i'm probably going to bed soon, tonight

i was supposed to go out with a friend
but i got roped into going to a party type thing

i thought about saying i couldn't go
it's too late
because it starts at 9pm
but
jeez
i can't really say i'm too old to go out at 9pm
and
i was going to beg off cause it's downtown
but
turns out it's in midtown
so they'll even be parking

and
it's sushi
so i have to go

but
i wanted to go out with my friend
i hate groups
and the one girl is pregnant
and
that's gonna depress me
i can tell already

i'll probably have a great time

people keep talking about the oscars

and
my immediate gut reaction is always
somewhere around the
oh, do they still have that
latitude

i used to love it as a kid

i watched it religiously
like the olympics
like the miss america
like gone with the wind in the fall
like wizard of oz in the spring

and
i think the oscars lasted the longest
but
i think they only made it to 1987
when paul newman won his only oscar
for color of money
which i can't remember at all now
but which
i thought at the time
was pretty weak
and it beat out
children of a lesser god
which i thought at the time was
brilliant
hurt translating
the whole enacting both voices
as it were
i guess
i thought it was
a tour de force

now
retrospectively
it was a romantic film
but at the time
that was really just a vehicle
for the storytelling

i understood viscerally, then
something i had known intellectually
for a little while at that point:
it's a process

newman had deserved an oscar
for a long time
and how many more opportunities were they gonna get
hurt had just gotten one for kiss of the spider woman
did hurt deserve to get 2 in a row
when newman hadn't had one yet

but
to me
in my mind
i said:
it's just a bullshit political system

and
i never wanted to watch it again after that

because
i don't care about the red carpet
i don't care about celebrity
or what so-and-so is wearing

all that hollywood glitterati stuff
i just really couldn't care less

does that make me too weird for you

because
i know
you might care about that stuff

thank you baby

i woke up with a headache
and i needed extra sleep
but
i was functional today
which i wasn't [almost] yesterday

in the afternoon sometime
i even felt
that kind of electric contraction
that usually means
you've read me
or
thought about me intensely
or
something along those lines
and
this all must mean
that it was you

i knew that one thing
and i know you love me

and
right now
i'm having the most amazing intrusive thoughts
which maybe you're sending

look, i'm having some trouble today

and
i need not to have to worry about you
so
just be ok
ok

i keep getting this feeling
in my body
physical, you know
that you want me to hold you
and assure you that everything's ok

and
probably it is
i don't know right this minute, though

if i'm wrong about
what you want from me right now
then
i'm sorry
i'm not trying to stress you unduly

i just feel affected
and maybe it's just me
but i was excited by the prospect of the story writing, yesterday
and today
i'm depressed
irritable
and i feel kinda
pressed

if that's all coming from me
then i'm so not ok
but
if you are sending me wave
after wave of stress
then
this is exactly how i'd feel

so
then
i'm fine

you're gonna like the story in the end
i think

if it's you
calm down

if it's me
then we got Trouble

hey, just so you know

i'm not writing this stuff
from a place of anger
i"m not angry
i'm not
hurt
or
sad
even
but that part came out easier
so the rest will be a few days, i think
do not freak out

i'm sure everything will work out
however it's supposed to

the introduction

Strawman, you shoulda seen our girl.  She was a freakin jewel in the lotus.  All with the bodhisattva and shit.

I'm sorry Luce, but how do you talk this way.

Just use your own words, Moose.  Tell him what you want to say.

Well Buddy, by which I mean you stupid son-of-a-bitch, do you realize what you've got here?  I been stayin out of the way because, I mean look at her, but I don't think you understand the situation.  I been trying to tell her you're just stringin her.  She just keeps saying stuff like muse to me.  Now I don't claim to know what a muse is, see, but it seems like a crap job to me.  And she's all makin moon-eyes over ya and dreamin about havin your babies.  The whole thing just makes me sick.  She's got this crap job and she needs new glasses, she needs body work on her car, and then she tells me she's going to see you.  Why?  What is he gonna do different this time?  She's gonna spend her money and she's gonna come back crying again.  And, in case you didn't know, jackass, there's been a fair amount of that already around here.  But she thinks she promised you. Before you fuckin gutted her, so I say: so fuckin what. 

Moose, I know he's not going to do anything differently.  He wants it like this.  What I don't understand is why he won't be honest with me about it.  

Does this mean your mother's right?

Hey, quiet there in the peanut gallery.  Do you want him to think we're crazy or something?  Besides, that could never happen.

Ok, look, here's the deal.  I went to see him.  Not because I thought he was going to finally tell me that he loves me.  I know that he loves me.  But I won't believe that I'm real to him until he says it for real.  Not because I thought he was going to give me some sort of explanation.  Although, why he's too stupid to realize that even if it was:  hey, you know, lost a bet babe, he'd be better off telling me because not telling me is just kind of saying:  hey, take it bitch.  I didn't even really want to go because it's too big a risk, honestly.  If I have to I can completely manufacture him, well, I think I can, anyway, but if he kills my love then I've got nothing.  Then I'm back to chain smoking and waiting to die.

What is this shit!?  Are you telling me that you need some man to keep from killing yourself?

Sadly, I might be telling you that.  He's the only thing that's ever made me want to live.  Now, granted, not lately.  But I was in a kind of holding pattern.  And the thing is:  I did feel like I'd promised him, but I didn't really feel like I was obligated to that, you know, after, but, come on, the situation was untennable.  So I went out there for me.  Because if I went for him then I couldn't love him any more when he did the things that seem inevitable.  Not this time.  Not any more.  

What I really did.  I went on a journey.  A journey of self-exploration.

God, that sounds hokey.

Does it sound less hokey if I call it something else?

I went on the road to find out what would happen and what I would do.

as i reread that last, i see a different reading, so now i'm even more disturbed

one thing i like about this poetry i do here
the line breaks
sans punctuation
allow for different readings
play and juxtaposition
in reading

but

as i reread the last
the context of "save yourself" changed

when i constructed it
i intended
more of a they're coming, save yourself
but as i read it now
it comes across more like
save yourself from me

which
totally works in context and all
but
is even more disturbing


so
i don't know
maybe
i've painted your character in an unfavorable enough light
that you're rethinking
why is it i like her again
or
damn, she's more of a chick than i thought she was

but
i'm serious
i thought that everything was my imagination
and then, later, driving
i wondered if that constituted wanting to want to make myself try
to forget you [or whatever it is i'm always saying i can't even do]
or, rather
if it constituted an external projection
of my anguish about your methodology
or perhaps
it was just simple self protection

do i need protection from you

if i understood
what the fuck was going on with you
i could maybe answer that better

ok, so i've been driving for 12 hours and spinning this into a story in my head, but i think i need to talk to you about it while i can still remember what isn't the story

this is not the there-will-be-a-story-story
that will be much more like something i'd write
this is
i think
really really dark, suddenly


so
i had just looked at myself in the mirror
and i recognized myself
i looked just like me
i was happy and confident

and then
i walked over to you
i had stuff i wanted to tell you
i figured
even if it was over
i felt like i'd had a positive influence on your life
[this stuff isn't going in the story
well, maybe the mirror thing
but i wanted you to know
i was thinking this
just before]
if you were happy with whatever
i could feel good about it

but

i started talking to you
and
i looked into you
with whatever that freaky scary thing i do is
and
suddenly
i thought:
this has all been my imagination
from the beginning to now, everything

and
whatever you may have said after that
just couldn't register

and
i couldn't get away from you fast enough

as i constructed it into a story [or started to, anyway]
it became more like:

rose looked into his eyes
as he pretended not to know her
and she saw it differently this time
rather than seeing someone who wanted pathologically not to be pinned down to anything
rather than seeing the need be able to claim: you got it wrong lady
this time she saw the other half of her soul looking back at her
a keening animal in a spring trap

maybe his pretending not to know her
was really an offering of love to her
i need you
i love you
save yourself


i find this all very disturbing.

i am disturbed, deeply disturbed by my experience

there will be a story

i''ll probably put it in the story file
rather than here
but
you know me, right

i'd asked for a sign

i got a sign

but
it didn't have anything to do with you

and
i really knew
that other thing too

the surprise of the evening
was
that i really enjoyed myself

don't freak out

i couldn't do that one thing cause i was doing that other thing

i love you

smile

valentine's thoughts

i thought about you today

i
lpve
you

but

i'm not feeling valentine's day-ish

and anyway
that's just another
retail construct

but
i'm chilling a bottle of
new age rose
and i'm going to pretend
that you're with me

i've been working longish hours
and when i got done today
i went shopping
and i wandered into ulta3 looking for a lipstick
i've been looking at the whole foods
and aveda
and
i haven't found any that looked good on me
i found one
LORAC - vanity
then
i had to have a navy mascara
which apparently no one makes anymore
and black is too dark
and brown looks weird
and did i mention
i'm doing this like half shabbos of a cleanse
where i don't eat all day
but just drink the lemonade
and then i do eat dinner
and today
i ran out of mix
so i was kinda spacey

and
i can't be doing very well
if i'm shopping for makeup

anyway
i got mascara in bad girl plum by benefit

no no, it's bad gal plum

for all my talk, it's not just your mind

tonight
it's your jaw
and the frightening stretch
of your neck
over sinew

and your hair
when it's shaved short
partially because it doesn't detract
from the beautiful structure of your face
and skull
but
also
because
when i was 26
i had a bob with the back of my head buzzed
there was something very sexy
about the feel
even running my own hand over it
and
i think about that

touching the shadow along your jaw
sideburn to ear
maybe
maybe i'll linger
but the 'lectric feel of the back of your head
could be swoon-worthy

oh
but to kiss you
and touch you there
that could be the next big thing

counting my blessings

i saw a youtube video today
pcos-girl
and
she was talking about thinning hair
apparently a side effect of pcos
she was obviously in her early to mid twenties
she showed her hair

i will no longer refer to what i've got as thinning

thank you god
for my hair
it's good
i'm good
i'm grateful
i'm not complaining anymore

i'm all shook up

i don't want to be
i want everything to be
all happy and good
but
maybe it isn't supposed to be that way

maybe
maybe i
maybe i don't know what

i mean
i say i want you to just tell me
tell me what you want from me
so that i can just finally
figure out
how to work my life properly around you

but
maybe
that won't work, really

maybe
i want too much from you
and maybe i couldn't deal with
what i think i want

and maybe you know that
it's something else you need

but
i feel like
i'm trapped between the walls
like
i'm not living in my life

i have a hard time not just making shit up
and
why am i not really really angry with you
it's years and years
and
maybe you're still shopping me

but maybe
not

it's just
maybe
that i had a strong desire for you today
and
i kinda don't want to
i kinda just want to feel in control
until i feel like i've got it figured out to
something i can deal with

but i do
i want you
but i'm angry
and i'm menstrual
so it's got a slightly desperate
violent edge to it
so
i imagine
it could be really hot

but
i still have this residual desire
to be soothed, gentled from my near hysteria
which i had to keep all secret and shit

damn you

and
damn these new vitamins
they are revving me up and making it worse

i was taking these blood building supplements
and they were making me feel so much better
that i decided to take the multi too
source of life it's called
it's got spirulina and bee pollen and ginseng root

but
i don't want to be all dangerous
because maybe that's scary
and part of me says
you deserve to be scared, a little
and the other part of me says
that that's kinda an abusive attitude and i need to watch that

there's this part of me
that wants you to take my hand
look me in the eye
say: i love you
and say my name

but
if you did
then maybe that would just bring up
the next round of angst
you know what i mean
and maybe
maybe that's all girly boring

i do want that though

and
i want to spend a four day weekend
in bed with you
not necessarily for any kind of marathon
more to calibrate
and touch you
maybe smoke a little weed
and drink some wine
or maybe
something harder
but
not sitting around talking
so much as absorbing you

i will say
this idea terrifies me as much as it attracts me
i am aware of all the ways
i am not the gorgeous body i'd like to be for you
and
i'm not sure i have any skills left
and
i know
that new discovery phase
is the one that most people enjoy most
but
it's not for me
or at least it hasn't been

so
maybe
all i've done here
is be confusing
but i did start by saying

i'm all shook up

it case that sounded ungood

it wasn't meant to

concrete poetry
is all

sometimes
it's what's needed

i don't know

part of what i love about you
is how you tell me
what you tell me
but
part of what
holds me
away
is
the
same

and
i always figure
really deep down
that you want me away
away, i am so much more
anything, in fact, that you could want

so

if you

want me

there are  many ways

i don't mean sexual, actually

though

i never intended to

live a life of sexual dessication

i guess that that is what i've chosen

and  that's not the thing you need to get right with me

does that make sense

yesterday

i was working

and i had the strangest sensation

the definite sense

of a phantom ring there

and i don't know where stuff like that

where does that come from, really

i'm a little worn

worse for wear

i love you

but i feel contingent

and i'm not even sure what

i mean by that

do you know what i mean

do you know what you mean

for what, ultimately, am i needed

i don't know

that

and

that

i need 

jehovah witness girl [maybe, a little bit, this is a rant]

there's this girl
she was talking [this is a while ago now]
about how people are so mean to her
when she's all going door to door
which i really don't get
though i try to be open minded and all

and i'm telling her:
i don't see why it's necessary to be mean
they should just politely tell you
sorry, not interested, thanks
seems sufficient

then i tell her about my friend
and how her parents wouldn't let her
come over to play
unless she gave me jw lessons
and i've always been a religious seeker
so i was cool with the lessons
but then they wanted me to go to services
and i said i wasn't interested in going to services

why not

i don't want to become a jehovah witness

and aside here:

even if i was amenable to all their beliefs

[which i am emphatically not]

and

even if i was all down with jesus, and whatever

[which i am not]

i would not want to be a jehovah witness

because

not down with the door to door proselytization

not at all

and

if you're a witness

you got to witness

so then
pretty soon
she says she has a gift for me
and she's all weird about it
[makes me go get it out of her car
and open it when i'm alone, whatever]
and it's a jehovah witness bible and study guide and whatever
now
i already said i wasn't interested, right

in the book is a note
about how i don't know it yet
but really we are spiritual sisters
and if this isn't ok with me she will never mention it again
but if i want to i can call her and she'll all show me the light
or whatever

now maybe this is wrong of me
but
i feel like this was kinda disrespectful
because
A. i said i wasn't interested
B. she has never asked me if i have any deeply held beliefs

so like, either, it doesn't matter because they are wrong
or, i could have reached this ripe of an age
without forming any solid opinions
and i'm just floundering for help

which i think is insulting
in the absence of floundering
questioning
or interest

so
i take her at her word
that she will never mention it again

when my father died
i got kinda upset
and most people are cool about it
they just give you a little space, whatever

she's all up in my grill
asking me:
were you close with your father

what the fuck does that matter
whether i was or whether i wasn't
and, of course the answer is yes and then no
how is that an appropriate question

and she hits me that way
all the time
i'll answer almost anything
but
you gotta come at me the right way
and she does not
she wanted to know my middle name
[god knows why]
so she asked me if i had a middle name

no, i am one of like 5 people in the world who do not have a middle name

of course i do
but now i don't want to tell you this innocuous bit of information
because of the way you approached

so then the other day
she said she had been giving me some time
but she wanted me to know
there are some chapters in the book
about how you can be with your loved ones again after death

seriously


if she has the answers
and god is depending on her to spread the good news
then god is in big trouble
cause she could not sell ice water to the patrons of hell

just talking, not really any theme

my hair seems less dry
my skin seems smoother
i've been taking vitamins

actually
my skin seems a little firmer too
my facial skin
is what i'm talking about

but
i'm just washing with soap
so that's pretty much got to be the vitamins

i was hoping for thicker hair
but it seems healthier
so
i'll take what i can get

i've been a little prone-to-bad-thought-y
today
but i've fended it off pretty well
i think it's cyclical
i dug out one of the decks
tarot decks, that is
that i haven't used for a while
and
i was all like:
yeah, tell me the truth
tell me about all the crap that's gonna go down for me
and it dutifully spit out all the great stuff i want
seven of stones, ten of stones, ten of rivers, ace of trees, the empress
and i had slept in
listening to the rain
after the wind howled like a train all night
so i couldn't really justify grouchy

i got a food processor for xmas
which i've wanted for quite a while
but i never used it until today
i made a brussel sprout casserole
with brown rice and red quinoa and a bag of frozen brussel sprouts
and a cheese-y sauce i made
with nutritional yeast, tahini, grapeseed oil, soy milk, and spices
it was lick the spoon good
i used it with rice and quinoa to stuff a pepper that i had for dinner

i made a broccoli casserole pretty much the same way
a few days ago

i plan to make a king ranch casserole
but i'm not sure what to do for the chicken
i mean, you can make a nod to chicken with tofu or something
or you can work completely around it
and i haven't decided yet


i was reading something
and it kinda freaked me out
this chick was talking about how she's all
coming to cooking later in life
and her example was that she made
pancakes
from scratch
today


and, seriously
i was confounded
like
it's pancakes
how else could you possibly make them
but
then i thought and thought
and i realized
they sell pancake mix at the store
but i had forgotten that

someone gave me a crock pot cookbook
and, seriously
the recipes are like:
put a can of beans in with some ketchup
blah blah blah
it's of no use what so ever

there's this chick
she has a cooking show and a cook book
she's super cute
but, seriously
one of the recipes is how to heat up frozen gefilte fish
and put little carrot coins on top
for that, she makes a video

but this one's my favorite:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYgYymFJ7fo

i mean, i might make that
but while i was watching it
i was thinking:
yeah, i'd probably use yukon gold potatoes
[or are they frankenstein]
and twice the onion
and avocado oil
and maybe some jalapeno
and, the wig reminds me of that girl
remember that girl

so maybe i'm weird

i don't know if this'll work

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?maxNumber=8&numbers=74:42:18:27:28:17:6:70:11:&deck=gt/&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=&backg=&reading=

it's working now
but when i close it
it may disappear

this is a deck
which i bought back in the 90s
i love the artwork
and
it's all shamanic
but, like, druid-y or somethin

the artist
became a christian
[it was the writer's concept
she was the illustrator]
and wouldn't renew copyright
[or something]
so it's out of print
and you sometimes see used decks for $500 on ebay

my deck
it likes to go all walkabout
and resurfaces every now and then
so it stays in pretty good shape
and now i'm afraid to use it a little

so i usually just do the online thing

this was my fortune today
and
i thought it was interesting
but
i also thought you might
like to try a reading
and
i wouldn't expect you to buy cards or anything
you can choose another deck, if you like

i love you
my little psychopomp


http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?maxNumber=8&numbers=65:4:77:75:68:61:78:32:14:&deck=gt/&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=&backg=1&reading=

i don't seem to finish books any more, maybe i have a.d.d.

i don't start that many
truth be told
i'm not really in a reading phase
right now
but
even the ones i have started
well
fiction, anyway
i don't

it's not a question of how long it is
because
the dusty one
for example
is quite short

and
most recently
11 22 63

it's like
i want the concept
spinning around in my head
and
perhaps you can see your influence
but
i don't want to be told the story

i really think
that i have the opposite of a.d.d.
because it's not so much
that i can't focus
so much as
that i can't
spread the focus

it's like, now
for me
almost anything can be a meditation

and
how i feel about you
is simple
and it's complicated

and the cards say
that you did
what you did
because of me
or maybe for me
which makes even less sense
and
i'm sure you want me to let it go
but it worries at the edges of me
you don't know
what it's like for me
not to understand
and
it's not like you haven't been full of that


but
even more
than who you can't let get away
i don't want to be
that guardian angel

that's kinda wrong of me, huh
if you understand this, that is

because i had assumed
maybe, another sprout
had a whole story, in fact
[and you're very heroic in it, to be sure]
but
now
the story i'm telling myself
is more some sort of reality tv show
boston rob and ambah in the great race or something
not about us you understand
just
a story i'm telling myself

and
i don't know
i think
there might be big things
in store for me
but
that's not grounded in fact
it's more a premonition
because
i don't know
which of the things i believe
to believe, anymore
none of them are very
believable

probably this'd be better if i had photoshop, but you'll get the idea, anyway

i can't seem to get the hair color i'm trying for--  kind of a chestnut brown with sunbleached bits.

that kid, the one haunting me

he was not the one, you know
the other one was the one i always pictured
with his beautiful soulful eyes
adorable hat
and
sometimes
i let myself hope
for the daisy headed girl

this one
he's so the future leader of something
the smile
the eyes
something about him
so that
even though
he doesn't have the beautiful shyness
he doesn't have the beautiful ears
and he doesn't fit the allotted name, at all

he stole my heart, apparently
my little ari
ari'el, maybe
though
i could never have a child that blonde
i have no blonde genes
nor do you, perhaps
but
i don't think his beauty comes from fair
though the leontine quality may be there
he is the very first amalgamation
the computer generated
and
that expression
those eyes
that open smile
are somehow so perfectly blended
that he just looks like him

this guy has been haunting me

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcCzmGz0eyJudXytyGv-bZxto98eOKU_pmnJupps6RES-rBZVaOUlJ9l238dRXGTFiC_2bt7h9LHzZZATxDSdeK3FVDIXkPj8sY90RkqG5kJXgfYrf4tqNtwLQGWQzngsfSEEq4i-Srvn2/s1600/MyBaby.jpg

i don't know why
and
for some reason
he looks like an ari to me

i don't know why
i'm showing you this
i really don't

wine and lingham

i had a very long and involved dream
about wine
which
might be for symbolic reasons
or
it might be because
before bed
i was researching buttery chardonnays
they all seem to be all fruit, anymore

anyway
i can't remember anything
about the wine part of the dream
because
all i can remember
was the enormous member

and
member
which normally sounds a little romance-novel-esque
seems totally
appropriate
to scale

i'm not even really sure
it was attached to anyone

it was covered in a condom
like the shed skin of an anaconda
loose and puckered

staring down the barrel
eye to winking eye
unimpeded

fertility

walking

last night, when i went to bed, i had the strangest thing in my head

and this is not just my typical background noise

i had fiddler on the roof
playing in my head

what does it mean
a fiddler on the roof
who fiddles every night
and fiddles every noon
why does he pick so curious a place
to play his little fiddler's tune

a fiddler on the roof
a most unlikely sight
it might not mean a thing
but then again
it might

why would i have that running through my head

what does it mean

even if we're going with tevye
why that song


i love you
i miss you
and
what i wish i had right now
one of your hugs

i really don't know how our story ends
and
i'm very confused about this chapter, in general
and
for whatever reason you did that thing you did
i'm not sure it's gonna work out like you think
and i'm not sure what i mean by that
just please be careful

i had this disturbing dream
quite a while ago now
but i didn't tell you about it
because i thought maybe you'd think
i was making some hex or something
which i'm not


but there was this baby
and it was crying and crying
and i had this red lit up button
a kill switch
and somehow it touched the baby
i didn't push the button
and it just stopped


i don't mean it stopped crying
i mean it just stopped


i don't want to hurt anything
and this dream
freaked me out

please take care of yourself
and
whoever

ok, i feel you now

i love you

very much

i didn't feel you today, and it's kinda freaking me out

i hope
i didn't say anything to offend you

maybe
i was just busy and focused
but

maybe
something is wrong with you
or

maybe
we were both busy

whatever

just as long
as you know
i love you

corazon

it's a funny old world

i don't really know what i wanted to say

something
about
how
i don't think i look as old as i did
five years ago

something
about
how
if you thought that thing i think you might have
how could you think that

something
about
how
i'm kinda afraid that i don't remember
how to make love

something
about
how
i have no idea what's going on with you

something
about
how
i'm worried about you


i dreamed last night that i was married to the leader of the country
like evita, or something

and he was saying:
just pack everything up we'll just go

he was trying to get the rest of the government
to do something
by threatening to quit, basically

but what if they just let us go, i asked him

then, he said, you'll just have to support me on your salary
as a college professor

am i a college professor, i thought, hot damn
i thought i was a wife and mother

but he knew what he was doing
he didn't want to lose power

and then
i woke up


i hope you are healthy and happy
and that
everything is going
however it was that you wanted it to go

something's up with my breasts

so
i went shopping today
i was going to do something
more enriching
but
i really didn't feel like it

i needed some more bras
and some shoes
[i had returned all the others
and after daily use
the others
are
wearing out
and
not as comfy
as they would be if switched out
i'm guessing]

and i found some shoes
they are adidas running shoes
pretty much like the rykas
so, cool

but
none of my bras seem to fit right
they seem to be
both
too loose
and
too tight

maybe
they are all just wearing out as well

now
i'm not sure if my tits were ever what you'd call perky
but i remember when they first drooped
and
i remember when
i had kinda gotten used to that
and then
they drooped again


but now
they're doing something else
they seem younger
not like magazine tits
but
more alert somehow

so i'm trying on bras
and these are normal brands
even though i'm at the ross
and
the C cups are too tight
now
i've almost always been kinda a C-
because
i have national geographic shaped breasts
not big ole melons
but now
they are pushing out in the bad not-push-uppy way
and 40 seems a little loose
but 38 won't meet at the back
not even kinda
how can that be
so
but there was this kick ass sports bra that was 4.99
seriously, 4.99
so i had to make that work, somehow
and i remembered
you can go bigger around if the cup size is too small
so i got a 42C
the other two i got were 40DD
they were kinda unstructured
but
how is it possible that i can even put on a DD bra?
and they fit like a dream

but i was thinking they were smaller

so
i don't know what is up with my breasts
they have me totally mystified

i love you, papi garnacha

i love you, sweetpea

today
there was a freak flash flood
it wasn't even forecast
as of yesterday
for it to rain

but

it

did

i saw this sign as i drove by the social network baptist church and i wonder

what do they mean


it said:

happy people avoid lust


now
this is not a stadium church
but it does have
like
2,000 members or something
and
it has been cold called out to me
as an excellent place to meet people
because they
quote
have a really large and active singles network
end quote

so
what do they mean by lust


the lust that happy people avoid


i just though it was very
strange

this might not make any sense

i've been up and down
there was one thing i didn't really believe you'd do
and now
it seems so much less likely
so it's whatever

and
i asked for a sign
not for if you'd do that thing
but
for something else

but
then
i said:
oh, but no god, nevermind
i don't even know what to ask for as a sign

and in a flash of insight
it came into my head
a pregnant woman in a pink shirt

and i'm all like:
ok god, whatever

so then
i didn't see a pregnant woman in a pink shirt
and i'm all like:
great


but then today i did
hochswanger and with a kid in-tow
so
my spirits soared

but
i'm having trouble
i'm not gonna lie

i though about names

i don't know why, exactly
i think it started
with a thought:
would i call you by your name

there is a part of me that is acutely aware
that
though i call you by silly love names
and i have, once or twice
called you
what people mostly call you
i have never called you by your full name

i like your name
and
in general
i don't call people by shortened versions
but
i always let people cue me for what to call them

so
while i might call you pumpkin or slim or shango
if i was gonna call you by name
i would only ever call you by your chosen self-referent

but i have found myself
kind of
longing
to call you ________
you know  your name

i also
found myself
wondering what you call me
when you think of me
do you attach a name
or a face
or
what happens in your mind there

i don't know
why my mind went there
it seems like a kind of silly thing, really

also about names
i think of the puppyfish
as having a certain name
that we've bandied about
and
i'm flexible and all
if you want something else
or
you think it's too plain, or common, or whatever
but i've really grown attached to it
if i'm lucky enough to get to have the small fry
i'd like to actually name him that

it's crazy, huh
but
that was today

chickpeas and crock pot love

so
i got a crock pot
i'm sure i used to have one
well, pretty sure
but if i ever really used it
it was definitely for some meat something or other
which is, of course, not my plan

i love chickpeas
but they are a beast to make
because of the skinning of the chickpeas
look up almost any hummus recipe and it will used canned chickpeas
which is crap
totally

and
i was eating all that fruit
but now i don't want fruit, not at all
it's some weather/seasonal thing i think
but
i want something hot to eat
and i want brown rice and chickpeas
and, to be honest, potatoes too

but
kinda by accident
i discovered that
slow cooking the chickpeas
gives them quite a meaty flavor

so i've had them with carrots, onions, fresh tomatoes
to make a stew
and with sundried tomatoes and onions
to make a pasta sauce
and
tonight
i think i've got chili

i never expected to get vegetarian chili from chickpeas
until after the pasta sauce
which had started me to thinking

so i soaked 2 cups of chickpeas
and marinated these other ingredients overnight
so they'd be just ready to throw in the crock and go:

1 huge onion [skin on, cause i heard that gives more flavor]
about a cup of basically julienned sundried tomato
a couple ounces wakame
about a tablespoon of umeboshi vinegar
about a tablespoon of soy sauce

and i'm really sorry
but i have no real guesstimate on quantity
but i'm going with

1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon cumin seed
1/2 teaspoon dried garlic bits
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon fennel seed
1 tablespoon turmeric

and i soaked some peppers overnight in the chickpea water
and basically julienned them before putting them in the pot
[what i keep meaning by basically julienned is that that is about the size and shape of the pieces{a little thicker}, but i don't cut them at an angle so they aren't technically julienned, see]

i'm not sure what kind of chilis these are
i just bought a big bag of dried chilis at the farmer's market
maybe anaheim
now
i wanted to use chipotle peppers
not super hot, but that beautiful smokiness
i have some frickin chipotle peppers
but i couldn't find them
and
i really must get some habeneros
if i'm gonna do this thing right
so next time

so i pour all that in the pot
with a cup of red wine and some water

and
it has come out
tasting
very much like chili
way more than any bean concoction
of course
it doesn't look like chili
so i may submersion blend it
put some shredded cheese and raw diced onion on top
and then see how it looks
i was all prepared to add hatcho miso
but i think that's overkill
and
i think i really knew that when i put in the soy sauce

i guarantee you will like this stuff
and
if that daiya cheese is as good as it's supposed to be
it could be completely vegan
[or it could have delicious cheesey goodness]

chickpeas, who knew

just something i need to explain

i feel like i'm
not quite myself
so i just want to assure you
i'm fine

i had shut down my computer
and i booted back up
because
frankly
i felt like you might worry about me

i've had a lot to absorb
in the last two weeks or so
and
just for extra fun
i was pre-menstrual
and now
it's happy happy blood time

so
if i seem
just a little on edge
it's kinda a combo thing

i know you've got stuff going on
probably
happy celebratory stuff
so go do happy stuff
don't worry about me
i'm, as much as you could reasonably expect, happy for you
and
the idea that i might be freaking you out at all
is apparently
something that won't let me sleep

i love you sweetheart

last night's dreams

i meant to write this right away
because i felt it slipping away
but i got distracted
so let's see what i still got

there were cards
they looked like faded
whitewashed turquoise-y wood
with ethereal outline forms of animals
the only animal i remember
a bat
which has all sorts of associations
didn't seem at all negative
but there was a lot of time spent on
how the finish on the cards was reached


there was a japanese ceremony
where i washed liquid from a large bowl
over a  special cloth
and
a design appeared

there was a girl
with beads
she made beads, i think
i think there was something important in that
she had an attitude
i wanted her to come somewhere with me
or i was trying to impress her
or something
and she didn't have time for me

the night before
i was exhausted when i woke up
because i was moving furniture all night in my dreams
and when i woke up this morning, i thought, wow
the level of skill just shot through the roof
because it was all
to do with
art
and
ritual
and aesthetic, somehow
but i can't remember the specifics

somehow
i see the dreams as in some way
a step forward
but
i mean, more like artistically than maturity-wise
but
i'm irritated
because i can't remember everything
and it seemed important

the cards
seem not too important, but i remember them best
because i went through a whole process in the dream
to figure out how to reproduce them
because i found them so beautiful

does that mean
i'm supposed to make a card deck
or do a reading with some special animal cards
or was it the images on the cards that were important

so many questions

how will i know if i'm right

i've been reading some old somatic shrine posts, and i gotta say

i don't think i sound as crazy
as i thought i sounded at the time
that's one thing
what i do sound
is
somewhat adolescent
but
i have to say
i really like that girl
i think she's gonna grow into something
also
i think
i see a marked improvement in my writing
although
she made me tear up a little
so....

i read back over
what i said i wanted
and
i seem to have developed
like a whole mother persona on top of that
and, strangely, i would have said i was very maternal then


they say you don't get any smarter after they take out your wisdom teeth
and mine didn't have enough room to come all the way in
i had them broken out of my jaw
when i was
i don't know
twenty-three, maybe

how old would you say i seem now
it's impossible for me to say

and even when i was hurt and angry
and
really
the other stuff that went down
really made that all a lot worse for me
my depression
never got dangerous
i really don't want to live without you
i don't know how i would ultimately deal with that
but
i was in love with you for years before you knew
and
what no one else on earth would probably understand
is that
real or fake
alive or dead
i am perfectly capable of carrying on some type
of relationship with you

you are not some random guy
i didn't latch on to you because of what you do
or how you look, or any of that kind of stuff
and, in fact
i may have
[although i've certainly tried with due diligence not to]
written in some of what i think is you
filled in too many gaps
that is the danger if you are real
so i have to be diligent

no one could ever really take you from me

apparently, i wanna talk about, you know....

i hope
one day
to have a little boy

and
i'm of two minds, really

one falls into the cultural and aesthetic camp

the other falls into the nature camp

and
not having the proper frame of reference
my plan
was to defer

but
you know me
and you know
what i value
and
i mean, come on
the do no harm thing
is pretty
compelling

i don't know what this means

maybe it was supposed to be
a heart of darkness
or
apocalypse now
reference

i say that because of the boat
but the tone was quite different

it was a journey of exploration
but not so much of the soul
it was through waterways
[ditches mostly, i think]
to get from one apartment to another
charting the territory, as it were

i think the boat was one of those
big-fan-everglades-types
and there was a whole cast of characters
both on board
and on location

i'm hoping some of it comes back to me today
because, for now
what i remember is

eating some sort of delicacy
like an artichoke heart
a brussel sprout
and something else
all rolled into one
with overtones of it being
like dodo eggs on galapagos or something

there were beautiful vistas
there were socio-economic discussions
about the area
the people

there was
just before i woke up
and i have every expectation that it would have gone on and on
a group of people
acting out
although not actually engaging in
some sort of sado-masochistic scene
which ended with me offering to provide the soundtrack
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua dua,
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua
the valkeries

and
over all the rest of the dream
overlaid
a radio show
by cousin _______________
i can't remember the name, but
he might have been my actual cousin
or that might have just been his name

it kinda reminded me
of another book
now that i think of it

and
maybe that was your point
if you sent it

i love ya cuz
but don't go gettin all misty about it
cause i stand by your newly ranked status
though
that's maybe appropriate
given your kingly status
get it
cuz

happy new year

i didn't tell you that to get a reaction

sometimes
people think
there's some reaction
they're supposed to have
and
maybe
for some people there is
but
not for me
i
just tell you my state of mind
on a regular basis
and
i'm tellin ya now

i feel like
i can't make any sense of it

and
when
i try to make sense of it
there are so many things i can come up with
for somewhat plausible explanations
but
they all kinda nauseate me

and
i know you can't talk
and

it's just such whiplash
to feel so close to you
so much like
it might really all come true
which i know is crazy
i'm not saying it is true
just that i felt it so intensely
then
to this

and
i don't want to lose you
but
i'm not sure i feel the same
my dreams
the cards
all say everything is the same
but
i feel a little cauterized

i don't know if i should talk about this or not

i'm not hurting myself
and i don't think
that i'm going to

but
i'm not so enthusiastic about living

i feel like
i might be better off
if i was crazy

this is gonna be all over the place

this afternoon
i felt you
several times
i'm not sure
what was going on with you
but
it was
very warm

as the day wore on
you were a frisson across my brain stem
so that any time i would stop
you were there

and i began to think
maybe you had something
that you needed me to know


this evening
i watched a show
where people were talking about
the person who taught them to cook
so i tried to figure out
who taught me to cook

and i'm not sure

i think all the women on both sides of my family
hate to cook
and the men
mostly don't know how

my gran gran made grilled cheese
and a mean hamburger steak
my mother made a pretty decent chicken vegetable soup
my father tried to teach me to poach eggs
but he had this tornado method
and mine never came out anything other than free-form
and containing too much water
my aunt taught me how to make thanksgiving dressing
and how to broil lamb chops in the toaster oven

i don't think that any of this constitutes
teaching me to cook

i mostly
think it was pbs
but i don't know where the interest comes from
and i've always been more into special occasion cooking
they got me this international cooking cookbook
they started me out
making side dishes at thanksgiving
and
just sorta graduated up from there
i made this fruited pot roast once
of which i am still proud

but i just sorta read the book and did it
i guess my aunt answered any questions i had
and supervised
because she did the meals
so my gran gran wouldn't have to work

but i have absolutely no
fond memories
of
being taught to cook
by some matriarchal figure

except
maybe
julia child
bon appetit

do most children like cooking shows
i wonder


i have all these things
that i want to say to you

but i can't
because
my thoughts are not coherent

not at all

at all

all

superjammpact dream last night

i was swimming
with my [dream]brother
i was mad at him
i'm not sure what he had done
but i was aware
that somehow
i was focusing my anger
on his penis

he, however
just laughed at me
confident and superior
but then he looked at me:
but see, how lovely is this lagoon
the water so green
and he compared it to something
i can't remember
i want to say:
like a fine gin
only that doesn't make any sense
but it made me think
of blue diamond


i was a street fighter
i was bad ass
and there was a fair amount of
gratuitous fight scenes
until the one that actually
moved the plot along
there was a
[i'd have to call it a]
spear
he threw it at me
there wasn't time to move
yet
it seemed like there must have been
because time slowed down
in that way that it does when something
something really bad is happening that gives
you an immediate animal sense:
i might die


i saw the blade moving through the space
i saw it thwunk into my hip
i knew
if i pulled it out
i would bleed, seriously
so i left it in
ran away

it seemed only to be a flesh wound
so i was cleaning and dressing it
rubbing some red stuff into my thighs
i was thinking of it as rouge
that was making me laugh
i had a tattoo
in the curve
waist to hip
it was
pretty cursive writing
about four inches high
and it said something
i couldn't really read
or i can't remember
and i was distracted
by how amazing
my thighs
omg
thighs of my dreams, ha ha
and my waist
sleek
smooth
man, i was awesome

but then that guy
the one who made me so uncomfortable
with the large woman thing
he walked by
and laughed
and asked me if i had
hearts and flowers tattooed on my actual asshole
and i realized the tattoo said something
about my asshole
and
i realized
it was talking about you
you graduated from
pain in the ass
to asshole

but
the whole hip thing
made me think
of jacob
of israel
of god_wrestling


i was an old man
i guess
it seemed to be an old couple
the doctor came by
are you keeping that wet
he asked about my injured leg
well, i'm keeping it oiled
yes, i see, but you're not using enough oil
you need to really slather it on
it needs to be wet
and then the old woman
was looking for mascara
which she never buys
but always looks for
in her kit
so
i had stuck a sample size in
which i picked up, i don't know where
but it kept skittering away, just out of reach
and my leg hurt, and i just wanted to sit down
but i had to help her
i loved her
and
she seemed so frail to me

then my phone beeped at me

and i think he might be haunting me, a little

because
i keep randomly smelling
that kinda funky
ashtray
smell

and seeing
the upturn of lips
when he was genuinely amused


i love you daddy
i always did
and
i didn't leave you
i left that fucking bitch
the one you told all my secrets
the one you let lead you around by the nose
but, then
you treated me
and i didn't realize this
until
some stuff came together for me
connecting the dots
you were acting the jilted one
and you never really forgave me

so
i could love you in a way that would destroy me
or
nothing else was good enough
cause fuck me, right
i couldn't possibly have needs

but
the others didn't do it for you
and you missed me
so
it couldn't just be a clean break
we had to go round and round for years and years

don't haunt me
you don't need to
i have the scars
i spent thirty years shutting down the girl
wrapping my woman heart
with the merciless care of a foot binder

now look at me
just look at me
seventeen
screaming
covered in pig's blood

i knew he was dead before i got the call

because of the dream i had the night before

i was avoiding him
and he
was sitting
in a barber chair

he said:
i'm waiting for you
i'm at the nail salon

and something in the way he said it
i knew

happy chanukah puppyfish

i know it's confusing
all this christmas
and santa
and such

and
i'm not an expert
but
i'm gonna try to make
some sense of it, anyway

now
some of your friends are christian
and
they will tell you
christmas is about the birth of christ
there's a beautiful story
where the most holy person ever born
is treated like dirt
no room at the inn
and then three wise men
come bearing expensive gifts
because they recognize his worth
and
they give presents
to commemorate that


and
santa
doesn't have anything to do with jesus
santa
is a story which has origins
which pull from the great melting pot
pagan and pagan christian hybrid st. nicholas blah blah
to become something that is very american
santa is at best
a personification of the spirit of giving
so
why
doesn't santa visit you
like he visits your friends

the short answer, puppyfish, is that he doesn't visit them either
but
i love you
and i want you to use your whole brain
so i'm gonna give you the long answer


ok puppyfish
you know how i give you totems
how do you know those aren't graven images, idols
maybe you don't
and that's important
a totem isn't something you worship
it doesn't answer your prayers or demand loyalty
it offers up it's essence as an example a guide
a more powerful template
to stretch into

and
i think
that's kinda what christians want santa to be for kids
someone selfless, impersonal, but generous, caring, happy
it's all about being better to give than to receive
but
america is a consumer culture
and
even though christmas is largely santa and not jesus
it becomes compulsive, excessive, and commercial


i personally don't like that those parents pretend that santa is a person
rather than an ideal
i think that they think they are keeping their children innocent
of the machinations of reality
when they are really
teaching their children
that love equals material possessions

and that i think
as much as anything christians might throw at us
is the zeus in our temple


the history of the jewish people, puppyfish
is chock full of repression
i could theorize about why we seem like such a threat
but i won't
but
in the ancient world
the temple represented judaism
in the way no one place could today
the ancient greeks
for all their culture and civilization
felt so threatened that they desecrated our temple
and put up a statue of zeus
a graven image
worship who we say
we won't let you be who you are

the maccabees said enough
they fought the power
and they took back the temple
we light the lights to commemorate
the victory
and
the rededication of the temple
it was maybe a miracle
that they found an undesecrated container of oil
and it was maybe a miracle
that that oil lasted until they were able to bring in fresh supplies
or maybe that is just a metaphor
for the smaller number of maccabees
overwhelming the great army of greece

the reason we don't have a hanukkah bush
the reason we don't play along with this great american game
because
we are american
is that we honor both the maccabees
and a larger american ideal
freedom of religion

you're not hurting for stuff
we don't need to sell out who we are
just to prance around in some retail pagent tilt-a-whirl
i'm sorry if i'm coming off like a hippie
please don't become an investment banker
now
get your dad to teach you the dreidel thing
i don't know from dreidels
and i'm gonna go make latkes
teaching you that food equals love
which is almost as wrong
but
delicious

the first night

i don't get this time of year
i mean
christmas
is whatever
and, i know i know, chanukah is not that
but it gets all blown up
because
it wants to compete
and
i can make a case about how it's an important statement
about religious freedom
and pride
and whatnot
or
i could
make a big production
about the miracle of the oil

[and
don't get me wrong
i would totally use it
as religious grounds
for the need
to eat fried foods
if you want em]

but
i'm not feelin it

i like
the metaphor
and meaning
and spiritual development
of passover through shavuot
i feel those

i get how i should
but somehow don't
feel
tisha b'av
rosh hashanah
yom kippur
simchat torah
as a cycle of destruction and renewal

sukkot i don't really get
but maybe that's because
thanksgiving already sort of does
whatever sukkot is supposed to do

but chanukah seems confused about what it is

i'm letting you field this one

i'm tempted to say:
it's all about the maccabees
jews are bad ass
if you buy presents
and pretend like it's christmas
the bad guys win

but i can't really get behind the miracle of the oil
that seems like it was just added on top
to make a military victory
a religious thing
it seems
like it waters it down
but
maybe
it's necessary
for the whole week of
latke bacchanalia

so
whatever you think/want
is fine with me

from russia with love

i looked again
at the tools
and
actually
it does say
and
after the u.s.
the largest number of visitors
are from russia
[or environs]
enough visits, in fact
that i find it hard to believe
that
i do not have an actual reader

and
as a writer
i want to say:

thank you
for enjoying what i write

meta blah blah

am i
in what i am doing here
essentially
some sort of performance artist
i have thought, at various points, that i might be

and i'm not against performance art
i just have feelings about it
like
that the kind of person
who shoves a chain up their vag
pours pig blood over themselves
pulling the chain out
and screaming
about
whatever
that
is a really crappy performance artist
what i like
is someone doing something different
making you think
mostly
things where maybe
you don't immediately think:
ah yes, performance art

the thing about me
with this
is, really
that i'm not doing it publicly
well, i am
but that is a sort of unfortunate reality
not the plan
i would rather only you saw it

i purposely don't tag this stuff
and
i sorta don't want people to read it

but they are
they updated the tools
they don't tell me how many people from each place
and, of course
they might not read it
they may just click on it to see
if it's what they are looking for
and
we're not talking huge numbers
but i have
actually
worldwide clickership

i'm not sure how i feel about that

on the one hand
i don't like it
on the other hand
i find it kinda exciting
on the one foot [no more hands]
i'd rather strangers read it than some of the people
who may, or may not, but i'm pretty sure are
on the other foot
now
a part of me always knows
someone
or some number of people
are probably going to see
and
i really like it better
if it's a maybe
low probability
chance thing


chance




speaking of chance
does it seem to you
in your day to day world
that the amount of synchronicity
is like
on steroids
information
random stuff
stuff that cannot possibly be
anything other than random
seems to be talking to me
that makes me uncomfortable
because i start to worry
that i'm actually crazy

i have
fear
of
the crazy

which interferes
with the beautiful messages from
wherever

i guess it's the holidaze

i am going to try to be low key about this
but
i guess
you might as well know this about me
if you don't already

my mother beeped me on chat
(i didn't even know she knew how)

did you know your brother got married
yeah
i guess i sorta did
what does that mean
are you in contact with your brother or not

he sent me something on myspace
which i didn't get for two months
that said he was getting married, and
if i got this message in the next few days
and could make it
let him know

i sent him back something that said
i guessed it was too late
but
i don't know
he would have called me
or emailed me or something
if it really mattered to him, right
i don't know
i didn't go back to myspace to see if he replied
i just didn't

did you know you had a new nephew
huh
didn't they just get married
the birth was a performance art piece
apparently it's all over the news

yuck


how did you find out that i have a new performance art
e. called me
don't call her that
she made me promise to give you a message
if it's bad news
i don't think i want to hear it
unless somebody's dying

oh, ok, nobody's dead

fine, just tell me
i'm already getting upset

just call me
now please

i call my mother

i'm sure if it were serious
your brother would have contacted you
just tell me what she said
your father just came out of a coma
why was he in a coma
she didn't have any information

didn't she say last year that her kidney's were failing
yes
did she mention that this time
no
so how is she still alive
i don't know

she's just calling because it's the holidays
she has to stir things up
any holiday
gathering
family event
had to have her throwing a fit
i will never forget
on gran gran and paw paw's 40th anniversary
she threw a huge fit about how they'd never loved her
it had to be all about her
do we have any reason to believe her

i'm sure he would have contacted you

well, i'm not sure
check your myspace
i don't want to check my myspace
i can't handle it right now
if there is an archive of
dad's dying where are you
in my inbox

but you've had the same cell phone number for
for fifteen years
yeah
still not sure

and
how is b.b. still alive anyway
he smoked three-and-a-half-packs-of-cigarettes-a-day
for over thirty years
why isn't he dead yet
i don't know

i know i'm going to hell for that
i can't go there
well, i guess i could
and maybe i would if he was asking for me or something
but i don't want to
i haven't had an interaction with him that hasn't made me feel
worse about him
since i can remember
maybe it would make him feel better, or maybe not

now i'm sorry i told you

well, you had to
or you'd have to bear the burden of whether it was right not to
maybe next time
just not right before bed time
i could send you a letter
that's perfect


label it:
missives from the crazy people open at your own risk

only
i guess at christmas time the mail might go too slow
i might not have enough of a window
if it really was critical
but any other time

i never hear from her any other time
right

i'm not coherent

and
i want to touch you
i see myself
running the flat of my palm
across the front of your jeans

and the way i see it
it's not as sexually aggressive
as it is
like
givin props to the heat
maybe it wouldn't be something you'd want me to do
maybe it'd be too much
or not enough
invasive
whatever
but
in my mind
it's both familiar and nurturing
like
a non-verbal
my god i find you so hot right now

when
for whatever reason
maybe it isn't possible
to dance

how is a raven like a writing desk

hey, i love you, slim

i have to get up in about four hours
so no time to write now
but
i'm feeling the urge
so
this is just
a
place
holder

rose firmament

i used to play this game occasionally
the sims
and
mostly
it was never all that successful
i liked to build characters
i liked to build environments
houses and whatnot
but
i could never really get the character's shit together

and, at that point
i felt like it was some sort of
life effigy
like
if i could get it together
that was a sign
or something

so one day
i said:
wtf
i'm just gonna have one character
in a tiny house
i'm not gonna date
i'm not gonna try to have friends
i'm just going to have a lone character
in a small house
who's a writer

so i created
rose firmament

she wrote a book
and it wasn't very successful
but she hadn't really practiced writing or anything
so, she did that, before she wrote another one
and she hit it out of the park
she was pretty happy
years went by

i'm not sure how
or why
but one day she met this guy
and the plan changed
for some reason
she hooked up with him
and they ended up married

my previous sims adventures had not happened that way
and i had planned to keep her single
because the relationships
and babies
had not worked for me before
this game
this game i had planned to keep simple

so they were married
so now
i could see his life goals and such
[cause they show up on your bar when they join your household]
and his lifetime goal was to have six children
now
in a normal sims scenario
not a big problem
but she was already kinda old for the time needed for six
but she loved him i guess
and i wanted them to have a really happy life
so i used up all her saved points
and i got them both fertility treatments
and she had
i forget now
either three sets of twins
or two sets of triplets

it was freakin nuts
and rose hired a lot of babysitters
just to help out
but she did occasionally leave the kids alone with the babysitter
and one of the stole one of her toddlers

she was distraught
i was distraught
i thought that her man's dream could never come true
and i was horrified and grieving the loss of the baby
that was the end of the babysitters
she just kicked it into high gear
and took care of the five remaining kids
like a pro
she couldn't write as much
but she had already got some royalty checks coming in
and her husband was a coach i think
they were doing ok
they didn't have much
and they didn't move into a bigger house
they just added a little as absolutely necessary
in fact
for their whole lives
their bed was in the open room downstairs
that had been her original writer's shack

one day when the kids were six or so
when she had given up hope that she could ever provide
elusive sixth kid
some guy came over
and
low and behold
it was her husband's grown son
he'd had one with somebody else before, hallelujah
but
you've got to get them all through school
and
she had to get crackin
because her life goal was to be like an acclaimed writer
or something
and she had to write a certain number of books
across several categories
and have some number of successful books
and blah blah blah

and
they were happy
and the kids were happy

they both met their life goals
in fact
one of the younger kids went into sports
and the dad started coaching him
and died
of old age
while coaching him, i think
and then his ghost went right on coaching him
rose died within a few months of takaro
[i'm pretty sure his name was takaro]
and then her ghost hung out there too

i was really sad that they died
but they had great lives
and they lived to be older than any of the other sims
at least any i'd ever had before
and i loved the house
i would have kept playing the kids
but it was just too many adults to juggle
and rose was the character i was attached to, really

and it's funny
because that was the successful game

rose firmament

hey, i love you

some of the goofy stuff i do
all the time, actually
to tell me how you are doing
if
i'm not feeling
anything
directly
some of those things
are telling me now
that you are
thinking
bad thoughts, somehow
that you think

i'm not sure what, actually

so
if you are
then don't
don't be sad
or mad or worried

at least not
about
whether or not i love you
because i definitely do, that

i hope
the cards and stuff
just don't know what they're talking about

wiggly

darlin

i think
i'm probably not
going to call you darlin
i still feel strange from before
i'm folksy and all
pumpkin rolls off the tongue smoothly enough
but darlin feels like tryin-too-hard or ironical or such
no
it feels
slightly masculine
as it resonates through the space
and
i'm not comfortable with it
hon
has a concomitantly
situated energy

and baby
only works
sometimes

pumpkin is fine
but somewhat generic

beloved
i like beloved
but it seems, for many reasons, unwieldy
as a daily appellation

and
if you know me
you probably realize
you can expect a slew
of silly monikers
all of which
grew
organically
from
something
continually evolving
into
something else

you'd also know
how much brain power i use
on internal meta-dialog about
how
words i've already used
hang in the air
after the fact

i would guess
that's sort of a writer-y thing
or
maybe
a kind of perfectionist-y thing

whatever

and
boom

this has to be
[and i just realized as much]
a huge wind up for today's brilliant referent
so what is it, huh, what ya got lady
shut up you crusty little urchin of a chorus, i'm thinkin


i love you harp

very very strange dream last night

i'm not really sure where to start
i can't remember the exact ordering
i'm not sure
what's more
salient

here goes

i was working somewhere, i guess
and
you know how i used to have problems
finding a bathroom
apparently
no longer a problem
i mean
really
trash cans, and whatnot

i find this rather unsettling, now
but in the dream
no problem


i was going to the doctor
i'm not sure why
but
the waiting room
was like a big arcade
there was a swing hanging from the ceiling
i got on it
i loved the swings so so much when i was little
but by the time i was a teenager
it seemed like my knees
didn't quite have the juice anymore
and maybe i was too heavy
but
it wasn't the same
i couldn't get to the full arc
but i did in the dream
plus
i did these figure eights
and twist the chains

it was so so fun

then
i was going to see the doctor
and
i thought i had waited so long
because it was some special plan, or something
but
it turned out
i was paying full price
which was $160, [which seems steep]
but
as i took off my hat and looked in the mirror
i was bald
i don't mean like chemo bald
or cool shaved head bald
i mean
shiny pate under the hat
taking me by surprise
because
hair
normal
otherwise

this is very bad, i thought
how did i miss this before it got to this stage
there's nothing that can be done now
and there is no way he will not find this hideous
crap
how can he love me like this


i find this less unsettling
i get where this comes from
my hair used to be super thick
it's less thick
my father was bald
and super vain
i watched all that growing up

there is one area
which i noticed
way back
before i gave you the second coin
but maybe that same day, or the day before
if i'm in bright light
from just the right angle
i can see my scalp through my hair
when i noticed that
i just about lost my shit
and
you've never noticed it
i know
because
like that same day
you made some reference to propecia
and
you wouldn't have done that
if you though there was any way
i'd take it as referent to me

it's fear that i'm not physically attractive enough for you
i think
that's probably human


i'm not sure what the swing could mean
i'm tempted to think you sent it to me, somehow
but maybe
it's a signal from my body
to push my improved knees a little more


then
i was driving along the highway
there was this couple
or brother and sister
whatever
running
and
tumbling
and i thought i'd try to stop and give them a ride
but there wasn't anywhere to pull over right by them
and when i finally did
i got this strong message
they are dangerous to you, drive away

so i don't know what that was about
seems like a warning
but
about what
don't know

seems like there's something i'm forgetting

for the record
i have looked at hundreds of women's heads
in paranoia
and
there is a lot of variety in hair thickness
the particular density issue
like 80% of men have by 30
but it's maybe 50% of women by 50
so
i'm maybe not at the top of the class
but
i'm not really worried
about that


what i'm most worried about
is my legs
maybe it's just because i'm personally a "legs" person
or maybe it's a comparative thing
but i used to like my calves
and outer hips and thighs
just not knees and inner thighs
but now my calves have
[and ok, it's not just now
you've seen this
and you didn't run screaming from the building]
this like thicker
is it a weird standing muscle
or
water retention
or what
action going on
that i hate


wow
this is super sexy, huh

sorry