and i think he might be haunting me, a little

because
i keep randomly smelling
that kinda funky
ashtray
smell

and seeing
the upturn of lips
when he was genuinely amused


i love you daddy
i always did
and
i didn't leave you
i left that fucking bitch
the one you told all my secrets
the one you let lead you around by the nose
but, then
you treated me
and i didn't realize this
until
some stuff came together for me
connecting the dots
you were acting the jilted one
and you never really forgave me

so
i could love you in a way that would destroy me
or
nothing else was good enough
cause fuck me, right
i couldn't possibly have needs

but
the others didn't do it for you
and you missed me
so
it couldn't just be a clean break
we had to go round and round for years and years

don't haunt me
you don't need to
i have the scars
i spent thirty years shutting down the girl
wrapping my woman heart
with the merciless care of a foot binder

now look at me
just look at me
seventeen
screaming
covered in pig's blood