i don't seem to finish books any more, maybe i have a.d.d.

i don't start that many
truth be told
i'm not really in a reading phase
right now
but
even the ones i have started
well
fiction, anyway
i don't

it's not a question of how long it is
because
the dusty one
for example
is quite short

and
most recently
11 22 63

it's like
i want the concept
spinning around in my head
and
perhaps you can see your influence
but
i don't want to be told the story

i really think
that i have the opposite of a.d.d.
because it's not so much
that i can't focus
so much as
that i can't
spread the focus

it's like, now
for me
almost anything can be a meditation

and
how i feel about you
is simple
and it's complicated

and the cards say
that you did
what you did
because of me
or maybe for me
which makes even less sense
and
i'm sure you want me to let it go
but it worries at the edges of me
you don't know
what it's like for me
not to understand
and
it's not like you haven't been full of that


but
even more
than who you can't let get away
i don't want to be
that guardian angel

that's kinda wrong of me, huh
if you understand this, that is

because i had assumed
maybe, another sprout
had a whole story, in fact
[and you're very heroic in it, to be sure]
but
now
the story i'm telling myself
is more some sort of reality tv show
boston rob and ambah in the great race or something
not about us you understand
just
a story i'm telling myself

and
i don't know
i think
there might be big things
in store for me
but
that's not grounded in fact
it's more a premonition
because
i don't know
which of the things i believe
to believe, anymore
none of them are very
believable