i'm all shook up

i don't want to be
i want everything to be
all happy and good
but
maybe it isn't supposed to be that way

maybe
maybe i
maybe i don't know what

i mean
i say i want you to just tell me
tell me what you want from me
so that i can just finally
figure out
how to work my life properly around you

but
maybe
that won't work, really

maybe
i want too much from you
and maybe i couldn't deal with
what i think i want

and maybe you know that
it's something else you need

but
i feel like
i'm trapped between the walls
like
i'm not living in my life

i have a hard time not just making shit up
and
why am i not really really angry with you
it's years and years
and
maybe you're still shopping me

but maybe
not

it's just
maybe
that i had a strong desire for you today
and
i kinda don't want to
i kinda just want to feel in control
until i feel like i've got it figured out to
something i can deal with

but i do
i want you
but i'm angry
and i'm menstrual
so it's got a slightly desperate
violent edge to it
so
i imagine
it could be really hot

but
i still have this residual desire
to be soothed, gentled from my near hysteria
which i had to keep all secret and shit

damn you

and
damn these new vitamins
they are revving me up and making it worse

i was taking these blood building supplements
and they were making me feel so much better
that i decided to take the multi too
source of life it's called
it's got spirulina and bee pollen and ginseng root

but
i don't want to be all dangerous
because maybe that's scary
and part of me says
you deserve to be scared, a little
and the other part of me says
that that's kinda an abusive attitude and i need to watch that

there's this part of me
that wants you to take my hand
look me in the eye
say: i love you
and say my name

but
if you did
then maybe that would just bring up
the next round of angst
you know what i mean
and maybe
maybe that's all girly boring

i do want that though

and
i want to spend a four day weekend
in bed with you
not necessarily for any kind of marathon
more to calibrate
and touch you
maybe smoke a little weed
and drink some wine
or maybe
something harder
but
not sitting around talking
so much as absorbing you

i will say
this idea terrifies me as much as it attracts me
i am aware of all the ways
i am not the gorgeous body i'd like to be for you
and
i'm not sure i have any skills left
and
i know
that new discovery phase
is the one that most people enjoy most
but
it's not for me
or at least it hasn't been

so
maybe
all i've done here
is be confusing
but i did start by saying

i'm all shook up