this is gonna be all over the place

this afternoon
i felt you
several times
i'm not sure
what was going on with you
but
it was
very warm

as the day wore on
you were a frisson across my brain stem
so that any time i would stop
you were there

and i began to think
maybe you had something
that you needed me to know


this evening
i watched a show
where people were talking about
the person who taught them to cook
so i tried to figure out
who taught me to cook

and i'm not sure

i think all the women on both sides of my family
hate to cook
and the men
mostly don't know how

my gran gran made grilled cheese
and a mean hamburger steak
my mother made a pretty decent chicken vegetable soup
my father tried to teach me to poach eggs
but he had this tornado method
and mine never came out anything other than free-form
and containing too much water
my aunt taught me how to make thanksgiving dressing
and how to broil lamb chops in the toaster oven

i don't think that any of this constitutes
teaching me to cook

i mostly
think it was pbs
but i don't know where the interest comes from
and i've always been more into special occasion cooking
they got me this international cooking cookbook
they started me out
making side dishes at thanksgiving
and
just sorta graduated up from there
i made this fruited pot roast once
of which i am still proud

but i just sorta read the book and did it
i guess my aunt answered any questions i had
and supervised
because she did the meals
so my gran gran wouldn't have to work

but i have absolutely no
fond memories
of
being taught to cook
by some matriarchal figure

except
maybe
julia child
bon appetit

do most children like cooking shows
i wonder


i have all these things
that i want to say to you

but i can't
because
my thoughts are not coherent

not at all

at all

all