And then I got up and I felt kind of hungover which I could have been hungover because I did drink yesterday
I didn't drink a lot of drinks but they were pretty strong drinks and I drink the day before that I drink quite a few drinks and they were fairly strong drinks and I felt pretty s***** when I woke up yesterday so I might have been hungover
And maybe if you're hungover two days in a row you wouldn't need to drink quite as much I don't know
I got up a drink coffee I wandered around I talked to my mother on the phone didn't really want to but she called me so I kind of had to
I watched the Chicago 7
Which was good I liked it
Was nearly as good as yesterday though
So I was looking around for something to say
But I don't really have anything to say today I just have kind of a I don't know I don't know how to describe it I kind of like coming out of hibernation or something except that I didn't run around and eat everything in sight
But it's like I'm having strange cravings
I want crock embossed loafers
Why I have no idea
Since this morning before I went to sleep I've been seriously thinking about the book idea again
I'm experiencing this fairly profoundly
And I just have all this stuff swirling around in my head and I suppose I should be thinking about my mom's social media possibilities and what not but I'm not not thinking about that at all
And I feel confident I had some really interesting dreams but I couldn't remember them when I woke up
I've been having these dreams and it's since I've been painting I guess where there's some sort of a quality to things and it gets expressed as this I don't know like aura type element that's like a wash of color over things
And in the dreams it makes perfect sense but then when I wake up and try to like explain it to myself it doesn't really make sense
also there are media or social media or computer or digital communication things that make sense in dreams and don't make that much sense when I wake up
I'm profoundly grateful for all the people in other countries who've been like worried about us You know there was a a woman I was following on Twitter for a while who I wasn't sure whether I liked her or not I kind of liked her but then periodically she would say something that irritated me that I didn't like and generally I don't think that's a good reason to unfollow people but then a while back she was interacting with somebody else and they were saying you know about they didn't really know if America was a democracy or something to that effect and I kind of agreed with them and it kind of worried me and upset me and I had all the feels about it but then the woman that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be following or not she posted something that was I don't even remember exactly what but it was very snarky I'll say snarky that's not quite right but I'll say that and I was like okay you know what I'm not going to follow you anymore and it was the same sort of feeling that I had when I unfollowed that girl at the beginning of the pandemic who was saying oh you know the government is trying to manipulate you blah blah blah and I was like you know what normally I would agree with you but no that's not what's happening now and so I unfollowed her and so I kind of have this feeling now like there's a certain attitude that I don't want to support and you know those people they didn't seem like they were worried about America they just seem like they were being kind of snarky and I didn't appreciate it
But I do appreciate the people who have gone out of their way to make clear that they're glad we came out of it you know
And I get how if you're another country especially like Europe someplace civilized where you might feel like that America is not a good risk you know we have enough people here that are I don't know stupid or just I don't know I'm not stupid isn't quite the word I'm going for but the kind of people who would re-elect George W
But worse yet the kind of people who would elect Trump the first time
and even worse yet the people who would look at all of that and go yeah give me some more of that
I could see where it would just be like you know what let's just write these m************ off because they are too dangerous they're too unpredictable they have too many undesirable traits and you know they're just they're just not worth the baggage anymore
But you know some of the some of the things that other countries did it just choked me up with emotion for how truly kind it was that they cared not like they're just like oh finally they've come out of it but like you know they were pulling for us and they were happy that we worked it out like like that you know
Like even we who think we're such hot s*** could have our whole democracy go to pieces and have to pull it back from the brink like like maybe that made us better as a people
I think maybe it did you know I feel changed
And you know the the whole time I mean it was just all a bit much but you know at first it was like well he's trying to do all this bad s*** but the courts aren't letting him do it and at least he's not getting us into a war and you know he's terrible but there was a point and I don't know exactly when the point tipped
And actually I guess it tipped several times but I think that when the pandemic hit and we shot everything down and then it became apparent that he just wasn't going to do anything and we watched all those crazy press conferences every day at the beginning of the thing and maybe it was partially a factor of being kind of trapped in my house and having nothing to focus on except that you know I mean before that I was having some pretty severe problems in my life that distracted me from politics you know
But then when I was just trapped in my house and I was completely focused on that it became
Well a lot more central to my existence I guess and so rather than just worrying about well you know there's all these things that are bad that he's doing and he's encouraging all of the worst elements
And I mean I knew there was racism okay I'm not that naive I knew there was racism but it's like when he was elected all the people who normally would you know reign it in a little bit because they know it's socially unacceptable and they wouldn't want to have problems maybe or maybe they wouldn't have rained it in but they wouldn't have been so aggressive about it I don't know
But it was like all those people felt like well you know our guy won and so that means that suddenly you know racism is the new zeitgeist and we can just all run around rampant and crazy and that have been going on but then with the mask thing it seemed to escalate it so much and again maybe maybe it didn't really maybe it was just that bad the whole time and it was just the idea that he didn't give a f*** if any of us lived or died I just I don't know and I knew I was stressed out and I knew I knew all that but then when the election was coming up and he was so clearly going to try to steal it
You know with the as soon as he realized they were going to try to vote by mail well then he has the post office removing mailboxes and destroying equipment and you know I mean just I mean all the things that he did I was really worried I was really worried and when I told you that if they just threw out those votes because they decided that they weren't okay because they voted by car even though the supreme Court of the state said it was fine that it was going to break something in me
That was just kind of all of that coming to a head for me it's like if they would do that if they would do that then there just wasn't any limit to what they might do you know because that was so clearly not okay but they didn't do that so then I had a little bit of hope but I was very worried and then my I was like well you know he just needs to get such an overwhelming number of votes he just needs to win all the states so that there can't be any way and then when it was a parent that he wasn't going to and there was going to be all this counting and it looked so close and I was just so stressed so stressed about it
And I was looking trying to see you know if it was likely that I could move someplace else you know and I don't have millions of dollars I mean let's not kid ourselves I don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars I have I have a little bit of money but I mean it's not enough it's not even kind of enough and it's dwindled down quite a bit so you know it's I mean I have some in Starbucks stock but I'd have to sell that so I mean I'm not really in a position to go buying membership to other countries and that was kind of how it was looking and I was starting to get a little bit hysterical
Any idea for more years of that
and then he came on and said that he had won and he claimed states like that was a thing
And then the news networks didn't seem to want to call it
And just the amount of stress
And then yesterday so happy I'm so happy so happy and so relieved
And so deeply grateful that it seemed like the world cared you know
And I've never particular one particularly wanted to go to Philly but I kind of want to go to Philly now
But then I went to sleep and I just slept like the dead and today I'm still just kind of hungover from that and I just cannot quite get it together and I should have gone to sleep like an hour and a half ago cuz I'm going to have to go with her tomorrow and do stuff
I don't know why I want crocodile loafers I really don't and I I don't wear those first I haven't worn loafers I haven't really ever worn loafers
When I was a ninth grade I went to a Catholic school for a year that was kind of a rich kid's school and I got my mom to get me some Sperry Topsiders cuz that was like a thing and I wore those everyday for a year and those aren't really loafers but their boat shoes which is kind of the same shape and style but they've got those rubber soles and they're good but they don't have any sort of arch support or anything
But it's like a lot of my clothes that I had that I liked I don't like them anymore and I want some new stuff and one thing that I want is crocodile loafers not real crocodile but crocodile print or not print embossed whatever and a paisley skirt I don't know what these things mean they don't make any sense to me
I hope your brain is working better than mine today because I don't make any sense to me but my card reading seems like it's likely to be right and it's already partially right and I think one of the things that at the time I didn't really understand something about female energy
I think that was to do with maybe Kamala and all the like big woman energy and girl inspiration and all of that
That's a big deal I I mean I knew it was a big deal but swept up in the emotion of all the other stuff it just seemed like a much bigger deal than I ever imagined it would be so maybe it had to do with that
And I was going to do another reading but I don't know if I have time to do that now I don't know why I didn't do that I got caught up in thrifting on eBay I guess although I didn't buy anything I just watched it all
I have bought a few things on eBay recently
I'm not necessarily sure that I should have spent the money but I did anyway
And I've been very happy with those purchases I got really good deals
I don't know I still feel good I don't mean the being hungover to mean that I don't feel happy I just mean you know how when you've been stressed for a really long time and then suddenly the stress gets relieved You don't just bounce back to normal right away
Anyway maybe I'll try to do a little reading
But I love you
And I've had roller blades stuck in my head all day and I'm not really sure what that means
But I love you
And I need you
And you are very important to me
And you better not ever stop loving me
And I just caught the stupid dictation thing instead of our said were and I caught it and I went back and fixed it
And I always try to fix things but I always miss things when I go back and read them again so if anything I said on here doesn't make any sense well most of it was just talking through a kind of incoherent stress hangover that I have today
But if there's anything else like that then just correct it in your head
I'm not sure I can stay up to do a reading I am just about to fall over which I guess makes sense maybe I don't know I haven't even been awake that long but I have to get up I don't know
I think one thing that you should have learned about me by now
I said I get kind of incoherent and semi-delirious but some fair degree of regularity
But I love you sweetheart
And I'm thinking about you
and I'm not sure I would have made it through
If it hadn't been for you
and I feel like I'm bonded to you in a totally different way than I was before all this
It's a lot more I want to say intense but that's not right I don't think I could have been any more intensely bonded to you
So whatever you think when I don't talk
Don't think that I'm not thinking about you
I'm always thinking about you
I just don't always have talking
Okay I'm a hopeful some of that was coherent
💋
