They've had her on IV antibiotics and although the infection was going up her arm it's headed back down to her fingernail and they checked and it hasn't gone into the bone so they have to basically lance it and cut away the dead tissue
and I heard her talking with my mom on the phone well my mom was talking to her caregiver but I could hear her talking in the background and she is scared I doesn't really understand what's going on and she wants to ask questions but she can't remember the words that she wants to use so she is asking questions but the word she's using are I mean they're real words but they have like a word salad quality to them but as soon as she says the wrong word she gets frustrated cuz she knows that's not the word she wants so she tries another one and that's not the word she wants and she tries another one and that's not the word she wants so it's it's just really kind of sad
But she just sounds angry and petulant
But I can tell she's scared so there's a quality of small child you know it's it's pretty sad
And my mother is going to lung doctor tomorrow because they think she might have sleep apnea when she was in the hospital they were monitoring her oxygen levels and the nurse told me that her oxygen levels had gone down when she was sleeping like significantly and when I asked the doctor about it the doctor didn't seem to know but then subsequently they decided that she might have sleep apnea
And I kind of wondered if they would have come to that conclusion if I hadn't asked about the oxygen levels going down but perhaps they noticed it on their own I don't know it doesn't really matter at this point
so she's going to this doctor but I can't go in with her if I go with her I won't be allowed in the building because there's no place for people to wait which was how it was in the hospital you know there was no waiting room so if you like if your whole family had come thinking you were going to get to see your loved one they would have been like no you're only allowed one family member and everybody else you know has to wait outside
Which I'm assuming that people knew and so they didn't bring loved ones that couldn't come up but it did seem like there were people milling about so I don't know
So anyway I can't go with her because I won't be allowed to go up and the only reason I want to go is so that I can find out what they say so what they said was that she could call me when she's up with the doctor and I could listen in and I could ask questions now will she do that I don't know while she remember I don't know so I guess I need to be prepared for that but I don't know if it's happening or not
Then she's got her regular doctor appointment in the afternoon but she's just getting blood taken for that she was back down to only 2 lb over today she says I don't know I I can't tell she doesn't look swollen at all to me and I made her promise to take the diuretic this evening as well
When I was on the way home and I was almost all the way home I had this like wave of nausea and my first thought was oh my God I've got the covet but I'm pretty sure I don't I don't know why I was having nausea sometimes if I'm really really hungry I can feel somewhat nauseated and I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and it was kind of late but I've started taking iron again I am prone to anemia and I mean probably not so much anymore I think it had to do with really heavy menstrual cycles and not having those so but I haven't been feeling as good as I think I should feel and I decided that perhaps vitamins were in order and I have these vitamins they're called heme iron and they're designed really for if you have issues with anemia they have really high b vitamins and the iron is like 450% of your daily required whatever with the idea that you know you take them and it builds you back up faster but since it is so high I don't ever feel like I should take them every day because I don't want to get too much iron so I tend to take them sporadically you know like I'll just take I'll take it every other day for you know a few days and then I don't take it for a while I have this pain I get in my hips sometimes that for some reason I feel like is a sign that my iron is low so I'll take the iron then and until the hip pain goes away I can't explain that it isn't scientific it's intuitive and it might be completely wrong
But where I was going with this was I took that this morning now if I took that on an empty stomach it would make me feel sick and the way I felt was similar to how I feel if I took iron on an empty stomach except I probably would have actually thrown up if I had taken on that iron on an empty stomach and it was hours and hours and hours later so I have no explanation for it unless it was just you know stress or hormones or something I don't know
So I came in and I ate some crackers and I sat down for a little while and then I had cod kind of poached maybe is that what you would call it You put it in some water with a little bit of butter and a little bit of well a lot of lemon and you could good in the oven on a low temperature That's poached right and root vegetables carrots and beets and onions sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts I know Brussels sprouts aren't root vegetables but they're really good with root vegetables and it gets you a green in there
And then I fell asleep in the chair pretty much immediately
But I had a very exciting thing happen that was just about me didn't have anything to do with my mom it was just an exciting moment for me and this is probably going to be even more boring for you than hearing about my mom but I can't help it it was amazing
At some point during the pandemic months ago I saw a video that said that if you put cleansing oil on your face and you massage it for like 2 minutes that all of your blackheads and clogged pores and whatever will come out well maybe not all of them but many of them and I'm like I don't believe that but I would love for that to happen so let me try and I mean I'm massaged and massaged and massage to massage and I got like maybe one or two blackheads out of my whole face it's very disappointed
But I have not stopped trying right so you know every day at some point during the day I'm rubbing my face with this cleansing oil I have actually have a couple of different ones I have one that I use downstairs that's a little thicker and I can clean it off with those honest baby wipes and then I have some upstairs that's more liquidy and I use that in the morning usually although I haven't been using it in the morning lately because I've been using noxzema
Which I really like and is dirt cheap and I feel like it is at least as good and maybe better than anything else in terms of clearing my skin now it's not a beautiful immersive experience of the green beauty and the luxury and whatever but you know I have a really beautiful cleanser well it's almost all gone but I had a really beautiful cleanser that's from a Hawaiian company and it has red Alea Clayand hibiscus and all this kind of stuff and when I put it on my face it softens up my sebum plugs so that I can scrape at them and they come out well initially I thought of this is great but what it does is it makes me pick my face real bad so it's not really that good of an experience for me because it makes me do bad things that I shouldn't do
Well the noxzema it loosens the sebum plugs but you know I'm doing it in the shower so it's a little bit different situation be I can scrape with them a little bit and they come out and I don't end up doing as much damage I don't know whether it's because I'm in the shower or whether it's because of the noxzema experience or what but it's working for me and it's like cheap so I'm like okay whatever I'm not fighting this
But last night I put on I have the stuff that I bought with points at Ulta or something I don't know a while ago and I like it it's got polyglutamic acid in it and at first I think that's what it's called and at first I maybe it's polyhydroxy acid maybe probably glutamic acid is something else any rate it's like AHAs but it's bigger so it doesn't get in as deep doesn't irritate your skin as much it's actually not supposed to irritate your skin at all but I have weird skin and it gets over stimulated in whatever so when I got it and I used it I thought it was irritating my skin and I stopped using but then subsequently I started using it again and I decided that it wasn't actually irritating my skin it was purging and at the point when I started using it again I didn't have as much to purge and so it didn't cause as much trouble and so I started experimenting with it so now I use that periodically
So I put that on and it's an essence not a serum or whatever it's in essence so put that on and then I have a little bit of that Clinique salicylic acid stuff left and so I put that on my spots
And then I have this serum that I got from beauty pie I don't know probably a year ago or almost a year ago that I've used periodically and I like it but I still have quite a bit left and I'm like I'm just going to put this on too and it's a micropealing serum but it's it's pretty gentle so I thought you know I could handle it and when I got up and I went into the bathroom this morning I put that oil on my face and I started rubbing and oh my god all this stuff started coming out of my skin just all these little sebum plugs and they're really small you know it's not like I have gigantic blackheads or whatever they're really small and they're mostly not oxidized because I'm trying my best to get them out you know so they're mostly not visible but I can feel them or whatever and they bother me to have all the clogged pores so I just started rubbing in a circular motion and they just started coming out and I was like oh my god and there were so many of them and I was just like aaaahhhhh
and it was I mean it was the experience that I've been trying for all this time and then I was like f*** what did I do and I was trying to think back to what happened last night at this remarkable experience so it's
Exuvience probiotic anti pollution essence
Clinique clinical solutions clearing gel
And beauty pie micro peeling drops
The micro peeling drops are like fruit acids it's got mango and banana and some other thing I don't know
and so of course now I just want to do that like again and again and again but I'm not going to do that I'm not going to do it more than twice a week because that's a s*** ton of stuff and I want to f****** my moisture barrier but
When I looked at my face this morning I was like you know the spots aren't that bad so I put on I have this sunscreen that's made with zinc so it's a physical sunscreen but it was made by one of the people that I follow on Etsy and it's got zinc but it's also got all this amazing amazing stuff in it so it's very nourishing and I got it because you know I thought if I was going to go outside I might need a sunscreen and it had all this amazing amazing stuff in it and the sunscreens I had you know were expired and I have so much trouble with sunscreens irritating my skin and I had had really good luck with all of her tinctures and stuff and I liked the ingredients so I'm like I'll just get that and I mean it was more expensive than a super cheap zinc sunscreen but it was less expensive than the zinc sunscreen that I used last time I needed sunscreen and the one I really liked they stopped making I used to get one at whole foods and it it was white I mean it had a white cast I don't know that it looked that good but like I would wear it when I went on the road and by the time I would get to wherever I was going to see you whatever breakouts and things I had would be cleared up because zinc helps clear up breakouts so I thought well I'll put this on and I don't have a little bit of a white cast but it also has to cut down on the white cast she put this mica stuff in it so it's glowy so it it has a kind of a blurring effect so it doesn't it's not like a tinted sunscreen but it's like a blurring sunscreen so I put that on not in super large quantity and then I put a little bit of that tinted thing the covergirl thing on top of that and I was like well you know that pretty much covers it if you look real carefully you can see but if you aren't looking too carefully it's pretty pretty well concealed so I did that and I felt pretty felt like I looked pretty good and she didn't give me any s*** so I guess she either decided not to give me any more s*** or she didn't really notice I mean I really thought it looked pretty good so
I realize that that whole thing with the sebum plugs coming out of my face rubbing in an oil I realized that that's gross and to normal people and that that's probably not really what you want to hear about but for me that was like I don't know some kind of fantasy experience it was just amazing and it made me so happy
And then that I could basically quote do my makeup end quote without really wearing any makeup and look at myself and think I looked pretty good although I got to say the mask covers up awful lot of my face and then I've got my hair all pulled back and I don't think you get any real sense of me when you look at me
My hair seems very faded and my feature seemed very nondescript so I'm not going to say oh I look super good in a mask but you know I felt pretty good about it
So I guess I need to go to bed and on the one hand I am so tired so much tired of then it makes any sense to be
But on the other hand I don't really want to go to bed I don't know why I'm like that
But I'm not working tomorrow I'm just being on call for doctor phone calls that may or may not come and working on other things but not at the studio at home
I love you very much sweetheart 💋
I hope you're doing well I'm feeling a lot better about the world today I still have a lot of stress but I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about how I'm laying on the floor with a broken hip dying you know I mean that was not my proudest moment
