That post the other day about selling stuff on eBay was not supposed to indicate any sort of depression or unhappiness and I realize in retrospect might have read that way it also wasn't supposed to indicate that I'm having to sell the last of my precious possessions or any sort of desperation of any kind it was really just kind of a antiques road show situation I had I have some stuff that I've been reluctant to explore getting rid of because it was like quasi special

but now I just kind of feel oppressed by the possession of it and I was hoping that it was possible to get money for it but it doesn't look like that stuff is going to be a very likely source

And it might be that I could take it to a consignment shop but I just don't know if anybody's going to be going to places like that while the coronavirus is so bad

But you know it's not a big deal

I've had a headache all day and it just got substantially worse in the last little bit

I did feel a little hard done by this morning though because I got extra sleep last night I mean I got 8 hours of sleep legit

And then I woke up feeling all you know my ears are stopped up and my sinuses are swollen and I took two aleves and an ibuprofen which is an enormous amount of painkilling and it just never did do anything at all

now I have that kind of nausea that you have when you have a headache it's really bad for a while and I thought earlier that made me my neck was out it doesn't feel like running my hands along and it doesn't feel like it's out so if it's out it's got to be that one that's like way up at the top that you can't actually access

And it's kind of funny because other than going to the chiropractor the only thing I've ever found that really just knocks that back into place is a sexual thing in that song

and I was thinking about I don't think about it real frequently but I was thinking about yesterday or today how long it's been and I don't think it's good I don't think it's good to go this long I think I've become uptight I think it's affected my sense of humor

Its kind of a drag

I might be having some mood though

I was going to make a big list of things I'm grateful for

But it seems to be taking the form of

I would be grateful if

Which is totally not in the spirit

I would be grateful if I hadn't eaten that bag of Cheetos

I would be grateful if I had enough sexual desire to muster up getting in bed and masturbating to an orgasm

Because I think I would really benefit from one

But I just can't get excited about the idea

I would be grateful if

My head didn't hurt

if that noise I just heard wasn't actually my cat throwing up so that I have to go clean that now

I would be grateful if

I didn't feel like I was finding so many things kind of irritating and boring

Irritating isn't necessarily an unusual emotion

I'd say a fair degree of things irritate me on a regular basis

It is just a question of whether I give in to bitching about them

Used to be like I don't know when I was in high school I made me college I couldn't not vent

I just had to anytime that I was caught up with something I just had to vent about it

As I got older I would periodically have to vent about things but I feel like it got easier for me to put that off rather than having to do it right away

And since I've had this whole like experience in relationship with you where I feel like I have to really watch what I say for a variety of reasons

And they're all kind of things that I just don't tell people

so it's not just that I'm watching what I say around you to some degree because I'm worried that I'll say something wrong or upset you

but it's also that the people that I'm talking to whoever that would be at any given time over the years I'm mostly not saying anything about you

And you're such a large part of my life that to not talk about you is kind of unnatural you know

And so over time holding all that stuff in although it would seem like you know it doesn't have anything to do with them but holding all that in has given me a lot more control over what I say and when I say it in general I think

I don't feel like I'm actually stating this correctly

I feel like it's given me a superpower

Like I can be overwhelmingly distracted or disturbed or upset about something and not say anything to anybody about it

And I feel like that's something I've developed because of this

And I realize that I sometimes still say things that come out wrong or are upsetting to you or sound different than how I mean them to sound

But I do spend a fair amount of time trying to think of all the ways that something can be taken and then after the fact running it back through my head to see how it sounds

So while I would say that irritation is a pretty normal thing for me in life in general and has been across the band of my life The degree to which I can not talk about the things that are bothering me has vastly increased vastly

So the feeling somewhat irritated isn't all that worrisome to me

But the fact that things are boring to me is a little more worrisome

I mean I've got two months and months of pandemic without getting bored

And lately but I'm not sure exactly what period of time this is but since I've been having all the hormones stuff I think I find myself clicking on an article that I'm going to read or clicking on a video that I'm going to watch I'm being like bored now

Too long didn't read

Bored now

And I'm not saying I'm bored by anything that you have said or anything related to you this isn't related to you at all I want to make that clear because you might think it is and that's not what I'm saying what I'm saying is I'm concerned about myself because I am irritable and seem to have less enjoyment of things in general which is both of those things are signs of depression and I don't feel depressed but both of those things can be signs of depression

and it might just be that it's been an emotional roller coaster with everything that's been going on in the country and that there's just only so much of it that you could take before you start having some negative repercussions and I was having negative repercussions already a while back I was freaking out and stuff

There I just popped my neck a little bit and that's better it might be out it might be out

But I am having a very real sense that I'm kind of falling apart and I need to just you know get that together

The cat is staring at me trying to do mind control

It's a new case of food and he never likes the first few cans of the new case because the quality control is not adequate for him

So he has not really eaten the food that I've given him because it is gross

And it hasn't been that long since I fed him and I know he did not eat that food but now he wants me to give him more food and I suspect that I will go to the kitchen and they will still be food in his dish from before because he doesn't actually want more food he wants different food but there isn't different food to give him

and no matter how many times I describe the situation to him he just does not seem to gather the pertinent information from my words he just wants me to fix it

He also seems to think that I might have control over the weather like he gets very irritated if it's rainy and he can't go out without getting wet he seems to think that I have some control over that

He's kind of high maintenance