I'm very tired

My phone asleep in the chair a few times

I think the time change tonight and I pissed away my chance to get an extra hour of sleep

I feel generally like I can't sleep

When I make myself go and lay down I do I fall asleep right away

But I just feel like that there's no way I could possibly sleep

I'm really worried

I'm really stressed

I just cannot get it together

an all day today I kept thinking you know I really need to say something

I feel like that you really want to hear from me and I'm not providing what you need

And then I worry that maybe you don't want to hear from me that maybe you're mad at me

Then I think if you're mad at me

Then why are you mad at me what have I done The deserves to have you mad at me

And then I think if he's mad at me maybe he never really loved me at all

I don't really like that train of thought

so then I want to try to not think about that

And then I don't know what to say

And I have stuff I'd really like to say

Well that's not true

I have stuff that I feel like I would really like to talk about but I don't feel at liberty to talk about it

And I don't really know exactly what I want to say about it anyway

There are just some things that I find unsettling if my perception of them is correct which it may not be because I don't feel like I'm in my right mind I really don't

The stuff with my mom is going well but it's still an awful lot of being around my mom

I know it's a lot of being out

and I know you've been going out and playing tennis and doing all kind of things outside so maybe it's hard for you to imagine that just leaving my house freaks me the f*** out

So I just feel like I have all these things that are just a little bit too much on some total of all the things that are just a little too much are kind of a lot too much

And so there's something inside me that's just like shut it down shut it down

And then when I'm trying to be all communicative and loving I just don't know what to do

So if I'm right about any of that

Then I'm sorry for anything that you need that I'm not doing

and I just want to say that I will be glad when the selection is over but I can't even really say that because I'm so afraid

I know that it seems like the idea that he could win again is you know impossible

But I can still visually remember watching the news at the last election and just being like what the f*** what the f***

And everybody was saying last time that there was no possible way he could win

Except the guys I was watching

Who were saying well it's almost impossible that he'll win but it's not impossible here are the different ways he could do it and they'd map them all out and I'd be like well that seems pretty unlikely so I mean I didn't think it was impossible but I was shocked

And I didn't

I didn't in my wildest dreams imagine that he would be as bad as he was

I really thought a lot of I really thought a lot of that stuff was an act that he was not really capable of being quite as bad as he seemed even

And I also thought that when people explained to him what he was supposed to do he would at least marginally pay attention to them

I did not expect him to just I mean I can't even put into words all of the ways in which he has defiled defiled the office of the presidency to file the trust of the American people to filed America

Not in my wildest dreams did I think he would be as bad as he has been and I didn't think he would be good but he's far exceeded

And I'm never really trusted the voting machines I mean at least if you've got a physical ballot you've got something you can go back and look at but with the electronic ones you just have whatever it's got recorded and you just have to take their word for it I've never felt comfortable with that

And I didn't previously know that Texas was actually I mean I knew there was horrible horrible gerrymandering but I didn't realize that we were like a full-on voter suppression state

Which is I guess just a form of my privilege showing

But I think of voter suppression as being something that happens in like you know Alabama and Mississippi and Georgia Florida I mean to be honest with you I'm always a little shocked when they say the deep red state of Texas because I mean it wasn't the deep red state of Texas when I grew up

And Houston I mean sure there are plenty of Republicans who live in Houston but it isn't at least in Houston proper it isn't redneck maga country

But I'm thinking about the courts

Not just the supreme Court but all those federal judges I don't think I really have ever given a lot of thought to federal judges

Or their appointed for life and I'm not sure how I could have failed to think about that but I don't think I have ever really given it a lot of thought and Trump has nominated hundreds and hundreds of these judges many of whom are probably poorly qualified and most of whom are probably right-wing activist

Like the judge that drew the drive-thru voting in Harris county it's apparently one of the most right-wing activist judges now if the Republicans are supposed to be for states rights I mean they always say states right states rights when they are trying to say that women shouldn't have a right to control their bodies and we don't need to be making any federal rules to that effect that it should just be the state's rights whether they want you to have any rights

But the supreme Court of Texas said drive through voting was fine and they verified all the people so it's not like they don't know that they had actual legitimate people voting legitimately

But now they're saying it's a illegal extension of the curbside voting which is for handicapped people and you have to prove your disabled to be qualified

And there shouldn't be any question it should just be an open and shut case they were legal people voting legitimately it was decided by the supreme Court of Texas that it was fine and all the voting is over well all the early voting is over I guess there's still some voting to do but the whole point is that a lot of the people who voted in drive-thru were people who couldn't wait in line for one reason or another and they expanded it because there are people who aren't maybe technically handicapped but who are at a higher risk or who are unable to and it doesn't matter it shouldn't matter it shouldn't matter there it shouldn't be a case it should just be like this is ridiculous you're just trying to get votes thrown out because you think they didn't vote for you

but that's exactly what it is That's all it is they're saying they want to throw votes out because they think they aren't for them and that isn't the way the system is supposed to work

And I realized intellectually that there have been people all throughout the history of this country that have not been allowed to vote for a variety of reasons all of which have essentially been illegitimate

I realize that intellectually

But if they say that they are going to throw out the votes that there is no other reason to throw out and their votes that have already been cast

If there is a judge that is going to say no I agree we should throw these out

Because they're all just corrupt and the judges are corrupt it's going to break something in me

And if he wins again then I mean it's not democracy anymore

And there's always been some debate in my mind about whether it was anyway

For a variety of reasons over the course of time but I guess you know I could suspend my disbelief or I could say but yeah but this is where I'm from or I don't know I mean there's a lot of a lot of stuff going on all the time a lot of moving parts and I've never gotten over I've never gotten over the Patriot act and the just trampling of privacy and rights that that entailed

But then we've got all the social media and internet and we don't we don't have privacy anymore and we mostly don't even understand that we should have privacy anymore

And if he wins again

I don't think I can do it

And I'm not prepared to move someplace else and I don't think I have the resources or the skills necessary to make that happen

And it's like

In a weird kind of way I'm seeing red dawn flashes in the back of my head

I'm just not handling it very well

I'm making up conspiracy theories about how the Russians are going to hack the election to where it obviously looks like it's hacked and it looks like you know like Trump wins California and Biden wins the red states and you know that it just all the information is mashed up and it doesn't any of it look legitimate like the whole thing looks illegitimate but maybe biden actually wins

And then what

Then Trump says oh you know the election was rigged and it's unfair and it seems obviously like it was but then you know if it's the person you wanted to win then do you say no this is clearly a fraudulent election or do you just go well you know maybe we'll just ignore that

And how do you stabilizing is it

Either way if it looks like it's been tampered with

And I don't know

I know that you don't have the answer to any of this

And maybe you're worried about it

Or maybe you're not worried about it

So I don't know

I hope you're not mad at me

But I don't feel like I'm really doing all that well