Well it did my taxes

Which shouldn't have been any big deal at all but somehow I managed to make it a big deal

I talked to one of my mother's doctors

The way it work s seems to be that there's a doctor who's in charge of her care in the hospital

And that doctor is in the same medical group as her primary doctor

Because their group has a couple of different doctors that work in the hospital

And the doctor I talked to today was the same doctor I talked to on Friday who was really nice and made everything clear and was just really kind of a joy to talk to you

And then the doctor who was there over the weekend having talked to her multiple times I've got context for how she is and I if I talk to her again which I'm hoping I won't because I'm hoping she'll be out before the next weekend I would be able to understand what she meant but she doesn't have very good bedside manner and she freaked me out

But I talked to this first doctor again

And she seemed to think there was a good chance she would be out on Wednesday or Thursday

And we talked about some strategies for trying to get her to take her medicine

And I mean the fact of the matter is is that I think she's just been in denial

And so when she cuz she said she'd gained 20 lb over the last couple months and she hasn't really been eating that much

and I know she weighs herself all the time because her weight is one of the things that she would always talk to me about when we would go out to dinner

But in the process of texting her and talking to her everyday during the pandemic there hasn't been any mention of weight

But I'm not fixated on weight so I didn't snap to the fact that she wasn't talking about how she's lost weight

So maybe I should have caught that I don't know but she knew she was gaining weight and she knew she couldn't be gaining weight from what she was eating

And she's still working out with her trainer twice a week they're doing zoom or Facebook live or something I don't know I think it's varied several times

So she knew she couldn't be gaining weight but rather than you know doing something or calling the doctor or going in to see the doctor she just was in denial about it

But the thing is is that I mean she let herself get all swollen up and then it was this big ordeal with you know multiple doses of intravenous diuretic and you know CPAP and you know maybe going to be put on a ventilator and whatever

And if she can just monitor it so that you know if it's been a day or two and she's up 5 lb call the doctor and they can figure out what they're going to do to reduce her fluid levels

Because she's got congestive heart failure apparently even though she claims no doctor has told her that and she claims that this last doctor told her that she's in perfect health and she claimed last year that her primary care no I think she said her cardiologist told her that I'm not sure which doctor she said now told her but basically that she was super healthy and going to live to be 90 or something

But then today she said that since 2012 all of her doctors have made her feel like she was on death's door

So I don't know what they've told her because none of her stories match up

But if when she's up 5 lb in a short period of time and it's got to be water weight she contacts her doctor then the doctor can have her come in or she can have her take an extra diuretic pill or whatever but 5 lb of water weight is not a crisis situation and if they can deal with it when it's not a crisis situation that's better obviously

But I mean this situation was I mean technically life-threatening

But she did her walk test today she walked around for 6 minutes without oxygen and she didn't get tired and her oxygen levels didn't drop below 94 so that's really good and that's an indication that probably she'll be able to get out Wednesday or Thursday

however her nurse told me that when she went to sleep she took a nap when she went to sleep her oxygen levels dropped to 88 and they don't know why that is so that's an indication that she might not get out on Wednesday or Thursday

I don't know I feel very surreal

And I'm sorry I have not paid attention to much of anything today I've been pretty ADD

So I hope you don't feel ignored

I wasn't trying to ignore you

I'm just confused by her

I mean I understand denial I do

But I don't really understand the way she just kind of hands off her health to physicians

Like when they were saying she had prediabetes

she was mad at her doctor because she's like well I've been coming to her all this time and she should have seen the signs

And it's like well maybe

But if you think the signs were so obvious you're with you everyday why are you at the mercy of your doctor to determine what's going on with you why aren't you just you know monitoring yourself

And I didn't say that

and she goes on and on about how incompetent all these doctors are that she's had and now thrown over from new ones

Like not just in passing but like she'll go on a diatribe about that when she can't breathe and she's needing to be telling me something pertinent and she'll just go off on that and it's like you know maybe not right now

I would have said you've only got so many spoons but I didn't want to have to go into the whole explanation of the spoon concept

I don't know I don't trust doctors

My experience with doctors is they're kind of like mechanics if they can catch it doing the thing that's wrong in the right context then maybe they know what it is otherwise they're just guessing and troubleshooting

anyway it's funny she keeps going on about allergies like you know that's the reason why she's having trouble breathing cuz she's having really bad hours she's and whatever

But then today I have just been sneezing and sneezing and sneezing

And sneezing is not a symptom I usually have with my allergies I mean sometimes and I'm not saying I never sneeze but usually if I sneeze it's because there's something you know in the immediate area that is aggravating me and I'm inside with the air conditioning on so that is not happening but when I got up this morning I was sneezing and then later this afternoon I was sneezing and I was like damn is you know they're like a really bad ragweed outbreak or something

So I looked it up and it's a super low pollen day

So I don't know what that's all about

Anyway

There's a bunch of stuff that I'm going to have to figure out a way to find out from her

Because her plan is that if anything happens to her I'm going in her house and starting to sort through boxes of mail to try to find whatever information it is that you need

Which I guess if she's dead I've got a reasonable amount of time to sort through the mail and find whatever it is you need but I don't know what it is you need and if she's not dead and there's a need for something to be found quickly there's not a chance in hell

But I really don't have a good grasp of how long she might be expected to live

I talked to the doctor today like I said and she said that she's got the congestive heart failure but it's diastolic congestive heart failure which is I guess not as bad and can be more stable because basically it means that her heart muscle is not very flexible she's also got the AFib though but she's got the pacemaker for that and she's got a leaky heart valve so that's why they've got her on blood thinners because she gets some amount of pooling or can have pooling in her heart and that can lead to blood vessels which can lead to blood clots which can lead to heart attacks

But this doctor said that some people they get that leaky heart thing and it doesn't really get worse they just have a mild amount of it and they continue to just have a mild amount of it it's not something that always deteriorates it can but you know it just has to be monitored there's no particular reason to think that it's going to get worse

And the contest of heart failure you know I mean it's not good but again she seemed to think that you know she does not have a terminal condition she has something that probably will eventually kill her but there's no reason for it to deteriorate rapidly unless she doesn't take care of herself so I just have to make it very clear to her which I think I have but I don't know that you know if she wants to live she needs to really take this seriously

Because she has a condition that can become life-threatening pretty easily or it can be managed and be reasonably managed

But that last doctor told her or not the last one the current cardiologist told her supposedly that she was not going to have he could pretty much guarantee she was not going to have a heart attack and something else that indicated to her that she was great and you know healthy as an ox and you know whatever so she just didn't take her medicine she caught to me that she wasn't taking the diuretic in the morning and then another conversation that maybe she wasn't always remembering to take it at night either so probably the truth is that she isn't taking it all

And the doctor told me today that she told her that she's not sure she always remembers to take her blood pressure medication

Which probably means she isn't taking that except when she takes her blood pressure and has a number that's high enough to scare her

and I know at one point she was taking her blood pressure at least once and probably multiple times a day but she told me that with the raw food doctor her blood pressure went way down and she didn't even need to be on that medication and so she wasn't taking it at all and so I guess if she is now healthy as an ox she for sure doesn't need to take it

But that doctor said that she thinks the raw food doctor did a lot of damage to her

because he took her off her medication and he turned down her pulse and you know I don't know but initially I was very excited by the raw food thing and then she started telling me things that didn't make any sense

like when she started going to him she was going to be doing the raw food but he took her off for medication on Monday when she wasn't going to get her first raw food meal from his clinic thing until Thursday

And then when she went to her trainer who used to be a nurse she was all swole up and the nurse called that cardiologist and said hey she needs to come in and see you and he's like it's too late in the day just have her go to the emergency room and she's like nuhuh cuz you screwed this up

And at that point I was like well I mean I like that he's raw food but that seems not very good

So I was kind of like well but then she was like oh blah blah blah blah blah I love him he's great and he likes me so much and blah blah blah

and then she would say well he's always doing all these tests but I never get any of the results

And that didn't seem very good

And I would say well you know that doesn't seem very good and she's like oh blah blah blah blah blah blah

And then she said that he wasn't telling her what her condition was he was just saying you know your heart muscles just kind of old and tired

Which is technically true

And then she said that he had that portal that you could log into that had all your diagnostic information on it that you could look up at any time

And I was like oh can I see that and she was like uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmmmm

And apparently the answer to that was no

and then I was saying well what does that say and she's like well I can't really get on there it's a problem blah blah blah

So but then after she went to the new doctor and he told her she was healthy as an ox

then she said when she was complaining about the other doctor how all his diagnostic stuff on the website or portal or whatever was saying she had congestive heart failure and I'm like wait wait what

but then she claimed that nobody ever told her she had congestive heart failure so I don't f****** know what has happened

and it might be that the only way I'm going to know what is going on is if I go with her to all her doctor visits and write everything down and treat her like she's a child and I don't want to do that

But I'm uncertain if she really knows anything about her condition or if she's really just finding out this weekend that she has congestive heart failure

And what is this crap about she's been thinking she was on death door for 8 years

When the whole time she's been telling me she feels great and she's going to live to be in her 90's

I really hope I'm not like that

I mean I have my fair share of denial for sure

And I don't go to the doctor

and when I have gone to doctors I have often been very confused by what they say and they often do seem like they don't want to tell you what's going on but it just didn't make any sense to me that now two or three cardiologists have supposedly told her that they would write all of her stuff down and mail it to her and then with repeated calling to ask for said letter they've just given her the run around and refused to tell her what was wrong with her

That didn't make a lot of sense to me but I just trust doctor so much that it wasn't completely unbelievable

but it does seem like an odd thing for a doctor to do if what they want their patient to do is take care of themselves and don't do stupid things

So I don't know I I just don't know

I just know that talking to the doctors that I've talked to and the nurses that I've talked to feels like the first actual information that I've gotten

And I kind of suspected she might have the beginnings of congestive heart failure but I mean you know people get old they get congestive heart failure that's a pretty common thing for your heart to get hardened especially if you eat the American diet and live the American lifestyle and whatever it's pretty common

And nobody lives forever and everybody dies of something and so you know if she had congestive heart failure well really all you can do is monitor that you can't fix it

So even though I figured that that was probably the case you know she's going to the doctor every couple of weeks it seems like and she's taking bunches of medications although apparently not well not bunches but several

So I mean I just sort of thought it was under control

And I got some more story about her cardiologist cuz I've been talking to her and so she's been letting stuff slip

she asked the cardiologist again about the letter and he's like what do you mean and she's like you know you promised to mail me a letter and he's like well usually I call people to tell him about their results didn't I call you and she's like well yeah you did call me

But whatever it was he said she didn't listen or she didn't hear it or she didn't believe it or she just couldn't deal with it

So in the story she gave me none of that happened

So I mean I don't know

did the new doctor tell her something that made her feel like she was healthy as an ox and didn't have anything wrong

or was it just that he said he could pretty much guarantee she wouldn't have a heart attack in the next year and heart attack is the only heart condition that she can imagine as being a serious condition based on life experience or people she's known or something and so she thought that meant she was healthy as an ox

I don't know I'm sorry I'm going over and over and over the same thing I just I don't understand

I'm not I'm not blaming her

I'm just trying to understand if she just worked up enough denial to screw herself up really bad

or if there's some way that she just really didn't understand that she had a condition that needed to be managed

And like much of my experience with my mother I really don't know what she's thinking or how she reasons things out or what goes through her head she seems to come to some conclusions that seem pretty illogical for somebody who majored in math that Rice University

By which I mean

But she wanted to be was a math teacher

I don't understand

How that kind of love of math which is all very mathy I guess I think of that as being very concrete thinking in reality based

Like math is supposed to be this thing that's true objectively

Now it never really had that for me it seemed to me like that was always just as made up as everything else was that they just said it was all objectively true but I never really bought that to be honest with you

I really liked math when I was in elementary school then I didn't really have any math instruction in middle school and I got so behind that when I got into ninth grade and I had had really almost no math training since the fourth grade I couldn't really do the math

And I never really did get caught up

When I was in philosophy I had to take logic and it was equation sort of and so I have a block against it and I couldn't do it and I couldn't do it it didn't make sense and then one day just kapowit was language instead of math and then suddenly I could do it easy there was no problem at all

I really really would like to understand her I really have spent quite a bit of time trying to understand her

And I know she taught me when I was a kid when she was wanting me to lie for her that there's nothing wrong with lying to people if it's none of their business

So maybe she knows what's going on and she's just lying to me because it's none of my business or because she doesn't want to worry me or because she can't admit it to herself because she thought she was going to live forever

I don't know I just have no real sense

I've always felt like she didn't have a very good grasp of reality but she's managed to support herself her whole life and she's only had jobs during part of the time she was married to Bob and I think that's because he made her get a job I'm not sure why I know she didn't do that well and she hated it even though for part of the time she was a teacher which is what she had initially wanted to do

She's just terrible at teaching

I mean maybe she's good at teaching art I don't know I haven't taken an art class from her but she's terrible at teaching math because when I would have a problem in high school and I would want her to help me she would sit down and start trying to teach me something and it would frustrate me so much that I would end up having to kind of figure it out for myself just to get out of the situation with her

and when I say she's out of touch with reality I don't mean like she schizophrenic or some or delusional even maybe

And I know that people edit their own stories over time everybody does it some people do it because they brag and so things get inflated over time and they don't really remember what's real anymore they've just made a story

And some people they feel differently now and so the way they look back on the past they've got a different perspective and that changes how they see what happened and that changes their story sometimes a little bit sometimes a lot

and that's human everybody does those things

I can remember when I was a kid there were some things that had happened to me that I had kind of repeated to myself over and over because I wanted to remember them and then at some point when I would think about the things that happened it wasn't like I was experiencing it it was like I was watching a movie and then I was not sure if it was really true and I found that disconcerting like I have this story of my life that I've been retelling to myself so that I can be sure that I remember it correctly but now the way I'm seeing it is from a perspective that I know couldn't possibly have been the perspective I saw it from so is it just made up

And I was maybe seven or eight

And I know there are stories that I have told you more than once that when first I told them to you they were one way and when I told them to you again years later they were another way and they don't seem the same to me but I feel like they're both true

And I can't really reconcile that with reality

And I know recently I've had this whole like shift where I'm like you know they're all these things that I thought I was good at and that I was really proud of doing a good job of related to management most specifically

and now I think well maybe you weren't really all that good at that stuff maybe that was your perspective and maybe the people you were managing would not have felt that way and I'm like well you know I tend to base those things on the reactions I was getting from people but if I'm honest the reactions that people had to me were different based upon the relationships I had with the people and which of those people were right I don't know so probably I was good at some things or for some people but you know it's not like I'm some kind of great golden god of management it's not like I'm the world's best coach

And I've kind of reassessed that and said well you know also I feel like there are some ways in which maybe from perspective of 2020 after the me too and Black lives matter movements maybe from my perspective where I am today there's a lot of stuff I might have done better

You know not saying that I was an a****** or whatever but and I'm not beating myself up and saying oh you suck blah blah blah that's not what I'm doing what I'm saying is there was a way in which I was very connected to those stories and I painted myself as the hero of them

And now I'm no longer connected to those stories and so it isn't so important if I was the hero or not and I've come to the conclusion that I can't really say with any objectivity at all how actually good I might have been

and I also don't really care I'm coming from the perspective of you know I've made a lot of mistakes and oh well

I love myself whether I've made mistakes or not

I am kind of like you know if I'm a bad person then I'm just a bad person I'm not trying to be a bad person but you can certainly look at me and say from some perspectives

And fine

I'm not saying that I'm always right or have ever been right or whatever

And this is kind of a perspective that I've been developing over the whole pandemic thing

And so I guess now I'm just feeling like

why can I still not understand what the f*** is going on in her head

And she will say things to me

And I don't know it's like

It's like her story changes constantly

Like she said something to me about how I raised myself and I was like huh

Because generally you know she was the world's greatest mother and you know blah blah

But now she's coming at it from this You raised yourself perspective and I'm like I don't really get this new angle

but she's like well I always let you make all your own decisions within a framework of safety and that's why I'm such a good mother because I let you raise yourself

And to my credit I did not laugh at her

My first thought was about the you know corporate model where you're having your assistant manager do all the work for you and you're saying that you're developing them which you know I mean it does develop them but

That isn't what it primarily does

And I thought back cuz I'm just thinking you let me make all my own decisions and that's why you're such a good mother but you didn't give me the information or the assistance for the resources to make a lot of the decisions that would have helped me become the adult that I wanted to be but yes now that I'm thinking back you did like let me make decisions about what books I was going to read or you know what I don't know little stuff stuff like that Deborah wouldn't have let me make decisions on Deborah would have just told me this is what you're going to do and my mother let me make those small unimportant decisions

But I don't believe I don't believe that that was the thing that made me raise myself and I'm not really sure I have raised myself to be honest with you maybe I'm not raised

I don't know I have kind of an open perspective on it and I guess you know it's pretty rich for me to be saying she's out of touch with reality

But no I feel like I've adjusted for that too

I mean I know that I don't know a lot of stuff

About you and me and us and whatever and I've just decided that ultimately I'm in it so however it works out is however it works out I don't have any particular beliefs anymore about what might actually happen I just I'm going to see

And so I don't know if this is a more realistic viewpoint I think that it is

I mean when it comes down to it

I'm just like yeah

Absolutely right great mom

Because what the f*** I'm never going to get some kind of acknowledgment that she always put herself first that it's entirely possible entirely possible that she seduced me away from my father just to f*** him over because when she would come and get me for visits she would be so nice she would be on such good behavior and all summer when I spent the summers with her she would be so nice she'd be on such good behavior she never yelled at me she was always sweet and then when I went to live with her she was just not that far from Deborah and I was like oh my god my father was consistent in his choice of women and I just lost it and she would I mean oh my god so you know the things that I think of as being markers for motherhood she didn't meet

And maybe I'm unfair maybe

And I mean I knew it hurt my father's feelings when I left him and he tried to tell me that you know she was just doing this she had told him that you know she was going to take me back when I got to be old enough to be useful but you know even though I knew that I heard was hurting him I could not deal with Deborah and I could not deal with his continual not protecting me from her I didn't leave him I left her and then he made me suffer for that and he was and I didn't understand it I didn't understand it until I was driving home from Santa Cruz the first time and somehow I had an epiphany on the road in the dark about my father's perspective on my leaving him I can't remember exactly why I had that epiphany or exactly what it was about but somehow it just became so clear to me what his perspective was how I was like you know the person who had always looked at him with complete faith and adoration and I was his true love and I left him I didn't believe in him anymore and I think that hurt him probably more than you know any of his wives or divorces

So you know that's on me or whatever

But I was 10 and a half years old

And so maybe maybe the thing that I just can't get past is you know when she would come to pick me up for visits my father would go out and they would bicker and fight and it would upset me and I would say can you please not do this it really really upsets me and they obviously cared more about bickering with each other than they cared about whether or not it upset me because they still had some sort of energy you know and then I went to live with my mom and I reminded her of him and I smiled like him and she would yell at me for it and you know it was just a lot of yelling and looking like she was going to explode her eyes would bug out and it was so so scary and then I wanted therapy and she said I was just trying to find ways to spend her money

and there's just all these bad bad memories and we've had periods of time when we got along pretty well I mean it's not like it's all been bad but there's just so much

and I guess I just want some kind of an acknowledgment from her that she always put herself first and she didn't really care about me that much but she doesn't see it that way so that is never going to happen and there isn't any point in pushing for that to happen because it's not going to

She's going to live for some more amount of time and we don't know how much that isand I never really felt like I had something I needed to resolve with my father I always felt like you know I just couldn't resolve it it wasn't going to be resolved

And maybe it isn't going to be resolved with her either but

I don't know if it makes any sense that somehow I have to resolve it in myself when I didn't seem to need to resolve it in myself with my father I don't know whether that's because I hurt him and here hurt me or whether it's because I don't know I don't know why I just have always felt like he loved me and she did not well no I haven't always felt like that only since I went to live with her but I think she probably does love me and I don't know exactly what it is I need to resolve in myself but whatever it is it doesn't require me anymore to try to extract from her Mia culpas so it's like yeah fine You were a great mother

And I'm doing something that is either a really good idea or a really bad idea and I'm not sure which

There are a lot of problems

And they all so clearly dovetail

So I'm going to be working with her

She has been trying for years to develop a brand I guess she wants to be well she wants to be a famous artist whatever that means but she wants to sell art she wants to have she used to sell art we had a great business she made pretty good money but it was based on selling a particular type of item that seemed to go out of popularity and then when that all kind of fell apart I guess was a little while later she got the job and whatever she had a really bad midlife crisis everything all went to hell I don't want to go into all the stuff that happened but she had she had a bad midlife crisis

Whatever I'm going to work with her and try to help her achieve some of the things she wants to do and that has made her so happy that she is all enthusiastic and happy and excited and has a new renewed energy for life

And right as my hope that in the process of helping her do this stuff I can figure out my business and she can teach me whatever she knows about the whole running around business thing and I can monitor her a little more carefully a lot more carefully and I can get all the information maybe that I'm going to need to get access to so that when she dies I don't have to go spend two months digging through boxes and boxes of mail to try to find her accounts

And whatever it is that I need to reconcile with her or with myself about her I will have to do it

So the out of all this will come some kind of closure

Because realistically the monitoring is going to have to happen and I may have to move in with her which I really don't want to do but maybe maybe I can make that not happen and I'm not saying I'm going to work for her until she dies I'm just saying you know right now there's a situation where the kind of work I am actually qualified to do is work I don't want to do I don't want to do it because I don't think it's safe and I don't want to do it because I have lost money desire to do that kind of work anymore

And there are some reason why I have not done this thing that everybody who has ever had much close contact with me has felt like I should do which is to have my own business there are some block or some something

Maybe it's just some version of what she does you know maybe it's just another form of being completely out of touch with yourself although I don't think so

But they're s*** wrong with me for sure

and I realized that in a way we're all just you know trying to make it through and very few people really have their s*** together it's more about momentum

Anyway I don't know if this makes any sense it makes sense from my perspective but I'm not 100% sure where exactly I'm coming from right now I just feel like this is got to happen and this has got to be awesome you know like I have to just let it go just let it go

Like I'm at a place where I need something

And I'm going to try to get it from her and I'm going to try to help her with something that she needs help with and maybe in the process we can just heal whatever this is

And you know it's kind of funny I was thinking about it cuz you know there's been the Pluto and Capricorn thing and then there was a Saturn return and there's all this you know theoretical blah blah about you know tearing yourself down and building yourself back up and Saturn return is supposed to be this big you know lesson year thing and then Aquarius Capricorn went into Aquarius and then it retrograded and so there was supposed to be this one last push to learn whatever you were supposed to learn and I was like man I don't know if I learned anything I think I was supposed to leave that place years ago and I didn't and now I have but what am I learning you know but even though I know this whole pandemic thing is theoretically the time when I should have done all these things you know and I couldn't really look at anything I was doing and say well that's productive and useful you know I felt like I was doing some work emotionally psychologically and maybe you know and then I was like well yeah maybe or maybe that's just b******* I don't know

But then I'm looking at this and I'm thinking well this is either right about when Aquarius is coming back and it's all supposed to ease up maybe it doesn't maybe that doesn't happen till next month I don't know but it's soon and it's not like I was thinking about that but I'm thinking about it now

And maybe there is some way in which I've learned important lessons and and moving on to another step and it's all going to be great

Maybe I'll at least come out of this understanding her I don't know I kind of doubt it

But I guess whatever

Maybe I'll understand me better

Maybe I haven't understood myself nearly as well as I thought I had I don't know I feel very strange very aware of the non objectivity of everything

And I mean I always am kind of aware of the non-objectivity of everything but very aware

But less childlike

Which wasn't really the goal somehow

 they reset her pulse rate

they think having it so low

the raw food doctor set it down

might have contributed to the fluid retention

at least in that it made her lethargic

and not moving around enough

they are adding some medication

the doctor told me

but i don't remember

i don't think i heard her properly

and

also

that was before i realized i was supposed to know everything

so i was having trouble hearing or understanding her

cell phone issues + accent + stress

idk

and i was only asking her to repeat

things related to immediate danger

anyway

she's better

they're doing some lung test tomorrow

and all the doctors are gonna be assessing all the info

from the weekend

and maybe they will have an estimate

i love you very much sweetheart

i feel weird

but i'm going to bed now

goodnight

oh yeah

i meant to tell you

i watched walk hard again this evening

there were a bunch of bits i had forgotten

i got to laugh at like it was the first time

very fun

 i'm going to bed now

i'm pretty tired

i have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow

she's better

but

still not sure when she's getting out

not sure now which day i'm voting either

stuff is all kinda up in the air

i'm not sure what i told you

hang on

i love you very much

 goodnight sweetheart

i'm going to sleep now

but

i'm not going to be able to sleep for long

i'm going to visit her again tomorrow

i'm really tired

but

wired too

could not make myself go to sleep

 she's ok-ish

she apparently hasn't been taking her diuretic

first she told me

if she needs to leave the house

she doesn't take it in the morning

but then

she later said something

after i said maybe they could increase the strength of the diuretic

when i remember to take it

so

she's not taking it

she doesn't like it

and this new doctor told her something

that made her think she was perfectly healthy

so she stopped taking it

she didn't take it when she had the raw food doctor

all the extra vitamin k from raw foods

she isn't eating raw food

just now her hospital doctor called me to ask me questions about her prescriptions

why is she taking warfarin?

i don't know

the doctor put on warfarin, seemed to think she needed it

which doctor put her on that?

i'm not sure, i think her first cardiologist

who is that?

it went on in this vein

and i'm like

she has always seemed cogent enough to handle her own medicines

so i talk to her

she tells me about them

but

i'm not tracking and monitoring them

i do not have indepth and accurate knowledge

do you not have a chart for her

[she's in the same medical group asmy mother's primary care]

i'm happy to answer your questions

i'm just not sure i have accurate answers

Okay

So I don't know what you're going to hear out of me today I'm just going to tell you this so you have a pre-frame so if you don't hear anything else you don't worry

Or don't worry about me I guess

I was finished with my shower and I was on the toilet and I was thinking I should text my mom and find out when she's getting moved to her room

And I got a call from a doctor in the hospital

She was updating me on my mother's condition

What you got up this morning she was having trouble breathing again cuz she has fluid in her lungs

And the oxygen she was on wasn't getting into her blood so they put her on a CPAP that forces oxygen into the lungs

and after the first treatment of that it wasn't effective

So she said they were going to put her on another or she was right then on another session of CPAP but that if that didn't work they were going to have to intubate her

So I freaked out a little bit because they're basically asking if they can put my mother on a ventilator

and my experience with ventilators is really just what I've been hearing over and over and over again with covid

I won't go into all the details

But she was making it sound like this was going to happen in an hour and that she needed to know right now if there was approval and did I know what my mother wanted

I'm like no I don't know

And anyway so then I'm trying to call to find out if I can go see my mother before she's intubated

And they're all like no the visiting hours are from 1:00 to 5:00

And I'm like but I'm trying to get in to see her before she gets intubated

And they're like well I don't think that's happening

And I talked to her nurse who was like well she seems better now they haven't done the oxygen check yet blood oxygen check from this CPAP session but she seems better

And just about then

I get this text from my mother

and she's like they moved me to a new area because I was having trouble breathing because of allergies

Really

so I gather that her condition is quite a bit more serious than what she's led me to believe

Continues to lead me to believe

and the doctor made it seem a lot worse than it probably is because she wanted to get instructions for the next step

without making it seem like there was any likelihood that the next step wasn't happening

For which I'm not overly appreciative

But I trust the word of a nurse over a doctor any day and two separate nurses were like oh I don't think that's happening

And her nurse seems super cool

So I'm going to go see her

and I'm not sure I don't think I can stay the whole one to five I think I can always stay one hour during that time

But I'm not certain how much I'm going to want to talk or how coherent I'm going to be

But that's what's going on

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

🌈🏵️🌺🍥🍭

I love you

I haven't watched that one thing yet

because

I had to lie down

there has been a surreal

and very stressful

quality to the day

I'm sorry if I've been

out of it

My mom

is at the urgent care

emergency room

not sure which it is technically

she's had this before

she's having trouble breathing

because she's full of fluid

they have to give her i.v. diuretics

I'm at the car place

getting a new tire

my day is weird

sorry

I'm not up to much conversation

maybe I should be there

holding her hand

I'm not sure

Okay I'm going to go to bed now

I was going to go to bed like 3 hours ago

And I even fell asleep in the chair

I don't know why I won't go to bed

Like a 4-year-old

Anyway

I love you very much sweetheart

Goodnight 

i think that was good for me today

 the guys at the shop

they weren't really wearing masks

well, they were wearing them, but dangling off one ear

so like if they had to put them on real quick, they could

and

i wasn't that afraid

as i sat there in my vote mask, hoping it would protect me

and then

i began to wonder was it rude, somehow

not to be wearing a mask, obviously

but to be wearing a vote mask specifically

i mean

when this guy was growing up

discussing politics was rude

political stridency was rude

hell, when i was growing up

it wasn't polite

to be making a public protest was fine

but

to go to someone's house for a visit with a sign

rude

and i wondered

was i coming off rude to this old guy

i like him

but

then i realized i was being anachronistic

to say vote can only be construed to be political

in this atmosphere

it would have been--  in his time, in my time

merely a civically minded statement

i got a new battery

and i needed a new tire too

i had a bubble on the side

i scraped a curb a while back

looked for damage but didn't see any

i guess i had it afterall

he's ordering it

tomorrow

i'm going back to switch out the tire

also need to go to the h.e.b. to get the new sticker

pretty sure they're doing that again

So I found my insurance card

and my AAA

and my neighbor left right before I was gonna ask him

but then he came back

and he jumped the car

and I drove around to charge it

and now I'm at the car place

they say it's an antique car now

so no emissions test

so

I'm waiting on the inspection

an oil change

and

I asked them to check the battery

if it's weak at all

I want a new battery

so I don't get stranded anywhere

all in all

it seems like it'll be ok

goodnight sweetheart, i love you very much

 i was going to go to sleep

like and hour and a half ago

but

clearly i didn't

i think i need to be up by 8:30

so

now way i won't be short on sleep at this point

but

that's just how i roll i guess

hard to go to sleep--  like ever

if you're me

because

i won't lie down and close my eyes

i love you very much sweetheart

i hope you're doing ok

so much

the sky is falling energy 

everything is fusion, in the end

 i started watching when i got up

but then i finished just a few minutes ago

they say that stuff

because if they can convince you

then they did

anyway

they don't know what they're talking about

we don't even know what the new world will need yet

how's anybody supposed to retrain at this juncture

i'm going to bed in a few minutes

i'm gonna get up in the morning and try to get my shit taken care of

so i have no idea how that's gonna work out

i need to get my inspection done too

so maybe i can get that all done at once

maybe

i cannot tell you

how much

i don't want to deal with any of this

it occurs to me

that in the i cannot deal with this mindset

i forgot to give you specifics on kitty

he was limping around pretty bad

and

i was worried that he might get aninfection

i didn't think there was any way it could be broken

or substantially fucked up

but

if he got something that needed to be drained

then it would need a sedation

because he just would not let that happen

and then it gets to be like surgery

and a much bigger deal

so even though

probably

he would have been ok

he went to the vet

he got antibiotic shot

and kitty non-poisonous anti-inflamatory

they can't take human stuff

and he's much better

although i was led to believe

[by being specifically told so]

that the anti-inflamatory would disolve

and it does not

so it couldn't be mixed in food

as directed

he's a good boy, sort of

olives are good in stuffing

although

i might try a different stuffing base

maybe cornbread

maybe rice

the breadcrumbs didn't seem quite right

i was thinking as i was eating it that more like a dirty rice base

made with chicken livers

might be really good

and have something more authentic about it

i've never liked chicken livers

except in dirty rice

but

i think that would be the trick

kind of an annatto sofrito dirty rice

with olives and capers

or

maybe not with the annatto and sofrito

maybe just dirt rice with olives and capers

so

not really a puerto rican dish anymore

i guess it's hard not to let the foodways you grew up with

influence your tastes

everything is fusion in the end

i guess

Okay I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart

This is a very strange year

I took the cat to the vet and I had to take an Uber because my car wouldn't start so I guess my battery is dead so that sucks I drove it around but I guess I didn't drive it around enough and I guess it's just been going too long in between driving it around so I'm going to need to take it in to get it inspected soon anyway because that's this month but I can't really do it today because I've been up all night and I'm really tired so I'm not sure the neighbor is here now and he might be able to give me a jump but I can't go driving it around now because I'm too tired and he may or may not be here tomorrow morning or the rest of the week I just don't know what he's doing but I've got AAA so I guess worst case scenario they can come out and jump it and I really don't think it comes as any great shock to me that the car wouldn't start but I am disappointed

I'm going to go to sleep now

I love you very much sweetheart

Well kitty seems okay for now

He's limping a little but I think he's okay

I'm going to sleep for a little bit

I love you sweetheart

I'm not going to my mom's studio tomorrow

She apparently still hasn't gone through her stuff

And quite frankly I wasn't sure I was up to it

Plus I really need to monitor the cat

I hydrogen peroxided his foot again

He's kind of limping around

And he is sleeping all the time

Which doesn't sound different

But it is

Anyway

I think he's okay

But I don't want to just go away and leave him alone

Just in case I have to make a vet appointment

So I was trying to tentatively reschedule for Tuesday

And she's like well how about Saturday

So I'm not really sure why she wanted it to happen Friday

If she wasn't going to be ready until a week from Friday

But that's fine whatever

I also can't imagine that I'm not going to be monitoring the news pretty heavily

I reread that last thing I wrote

And it wasn't wrong I wasn't lying

But it sounds awfully dramatic

So I'm sorry to be so worrying

Can a Puerto Rican food it's kind of weird

Spices are actually more similar to what I use than what I thought I mean sofrito is very similar to pico de gallo

I love pico de gallo

and I shouldn't say it's weird what I mean by it's weird is not only does a lot of it have meat in it but a lot of it has multiple meats

Like they had this chicken that had a stuffing that had olives in it and I thought oh that sounds good or at least different very different than anything I've ever had and I like olives so I thought I'll give that a try then when I'm looking through the ingredients list it's kind of hamburger meat in it or ground sirloin or whatever

And I'm like what the f*** is the hamburger for

So I'm reading the directions and the hamburger goes in the stuffing like you're stuffing the chicken with stuffing but instead of using bread you're using ground beef

And I'm like okay that's gross

So I'm not going to do that I'm going to use bread well dried bagged breadcrumbs

And there are a lot of recipes like that

And I guess it isn't that strange I mean a lot of times people will put and do a sausage and gumbo

But I don't actually like that either so

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not going to be making a lot of these recipes as they're actually written

They've got another spice that they use a lot

And you can buy it at the store

But it's like dye

I could supposed to be annatto

And they walked some annatto by it

but they also used yellow dye number five and red dye number what is that 40

I've been avoiding those like the plague since the '80s

But I did find a place I can order some annatto from 

but I think it's kind of funny when I was looking up online to find things that were substitutes for this spice The main one mentioned is slap ya mama

And I have a giant thing of that because I use that all the time just as my table salt

Like I used to buy it from work and smaller containers but when I went to the grocery store what they had was a 16 oz container so now I have a 16 oz container

Because there is almost nothing I would want to put salt on that wouldn't be better with this stuff on it comes from Louisiana it's got salt red pepper black pepper and garlic

And he prefers Hungarian paprika

But I stopped buying that when I discovered Spanish smoked paprika

Because smoked is better

But whatever

Cookbooks are just inspiration right

There are a bunch of recipes that use salted cod I think it's salted cod maybe it smoked salted cod

And I was very interested in that but they do not sell that at my grocery store

There's also some kind of interesting salad recipes

Not like meal salads which is usually what I would do but more like side salads

Although one that I guess would work for meal that I am definitely going to try is a tuna salad that's made with white beans and tuna

And I'm not necessarily a big bean fan

But that sounded kind of intriguing

He says she's Goya white navy beans

And only use progresso cannelli beans in a pinch but I'm not buying Goya and I like progresso just fine generally so I think I have all the ingredients for that probably I'll have that soon

Also

I feel like I definitely need more plantains in my life I've had plantains

At restaurants

Cuban food

And I've had them as chips

I don't really eat chips that often and they're kind of thick for chips kind of extra crunchy the kind of thing you poke yourself in the gum with and then have a sore spot so they're nothing that I've really integrated into my food before

Because the way they were readily available is chips and really like not so much for flavor but for textural reasons and there aren't a lot of Cuban restaurants here

If I'm not going to have Tex-Mex food

To be honest I'd rather have Yucatan Mexican food and I don't go out that much

I'm sure there's a Puerto Rican restaurant here somewhere well I'm not actually sure of that I feel like we have more restaurants here than almost any place per capita so we probably do but I don't know where it is

And it's just not something I ever really thought about

To be honest with you I associate Puerto Rican culture very closely with New York

In my mind so I don't think it ever really occurred to me to look for Puerto Rican restaurant here

Sorry I feel like I'm babbling

wtf

 that feeling

the one like i need to run screaming

that's not getting better

i started taking iron again with b12

and i feel better

but

now

i have a headache again

i think this one is stress, though

it's a long shirt, if i was young and thin maybe you'd call it a mini dress

 i'm worried about my cat

he got into a fight earlier

and

though i had the door open with the chain on

he couldn't get in

i guess because gray cat was keeping him

from the angle he needed to get in

i opened the door and went out to yell at gray cat

i'm wearing a shirt

and

a pair of boy shorts underwear

which i guess technically covers me

but

is not what i would consider dressed

gray cat just stares at me, not worried about me at all

i'm never feeding you again, i scream

as i finally distract him enough

that kitty can get away

he is covered with mud

he is bleeding from his paw

i got him cleaned up

i got him to stand in hydrogen peroxide

so hopefully he won't get an infection

he's had all those shots

so

even if gray cat has cat disease

which i've got no reason to think he does

kitty should be ok

he ate

and then he curled up on his blanket

and passed out

for hours

usually he's on me every two hours to feed him

when i got up to pee

he had no interest

when i got up this last time

he had disappeared from the blanket

i thought maybe he was in the kitchen

he was

i gave him food

and he had no interest

he's pretty aggressive about food

so, whenever he doesn't want to eat

i'm worried that he's having an episode

i hope you are ok

i hope the cat is ok

i hope nobody saw me

i wish i didn't feel like there were going to be

spiraling out of control type things

about to be happening at the white house

i feel uncomfortable with the level of the lying

although that hasn't actually changed

i love you very much

i feel like

A)  i need to run around screaming

B)  i need donuts

i feel a little crazy

i need to go to sleep

i'm going to my mom's studio on monday

she didn't really have things unpacked

and she needed to spend the day

doing things with her stocks

so

all the stuff we were going to do friday

still needs doing

         

thoughts

 i'm not real talk-y

i'm irritated, though by all the people saying that if i don't wish him well

then i'm just as bad as he is

uhm, like no i'm not

and anyway

it would be specifically wrong

to wish him well

when i specifically asked god to help out

timing's a thing

and

she's a much better lawyer than me, obvi

but

i'm antsy

i'm like a kid on a car trip

are we there yet

is it soup yet

is he xxxx yet

 

 i'm going to bed now

i love you very much sweetheart

 ok

i have to go to bed

i really hope he didn't infect joe on tuesday

i love you very much sweetheart

 well

i don't believe  we've gotten an answer on the early voting question yet

but

new development

the governor has issued an edict

or whatever

there can only be one drop box per county

for all the counties

in all of texas

now, you can only get the absentee ballot

if you're old

or sick

or gonna be out of the country

so

let's make it harder for those people

voter suppression is what i'd call it

i hope you're doing ok

i always worry

but

the cards say

either you are fine

and had something you needed to do

or

you had a run-in with a road runner

i probably can't make it tomorrow

i'm going to my mom's new studio

to help her hang paintings and what-not

I really love coffee

It feels like fall

I don't feel very coherent

And I have a lot of congestion

But I feel good

In some sort of non-coherent not all their physically sort of way

Like I'm floating on some sort of it's all going to be okay wave

Is that true

I don't know

But I feel pretty good then I'll take my shower later

Now I'm just waiting to see what happens

I love you sweetheart

 well

i was going to go to bed earlier

but

instead i just fell asleep in the chair earlier

then

woke up and didn't go to bed

i'm not sure why i cannot do this

i love you very much sweetheart

goodnight

I'm up

Okay I'm going to bed

I still am not quite making that 1:30 bedtime

But it's getting a little earlier

I love you very much sweetheart

Goodnight

 the republicans

are in court right now

to try to reduce early voting in harris county

not the state

just the big democratic county

i cannot believe they are so so obvious

i mean

i can

but

fundamentally it still shocks me

I slept through my alarm

I'm up now

I'm going to sleep earlier

Not a lot earlier

I was going to go to bed at 1:30 but then I got busy doing something and so now it's later than that but I am going to sleep

So I should be ready

In the morning

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

The birds

They're running some kind of operation

I'm not sure what kind

And tree doesn't know

I've been awake for about an hour

I just been doing stuff on my phone

Sunlight is pretty

That is my observation so far for the day

I might be having another one of those cold flash things

and actually I might have had one the other day too not quite as bad as the other one but it's like 79° according to my phone

The AC is on but it's not running much cuz it said it about 74 75 something like that

I have a fan on and normally it rotates which I'm much prefer I don't really like it to be blowing on me the whole time but the rotator thing is broken so it's blowing straight at me

But I mean it's been like that all day and I am uncomfortably cold

I mean like I'm thinking oh I'm so cold I need to put on a sweater but it just can't be that cold

Anyway I got to say

I'd rather have cold slashes than hot flashes

Because I mean Jesus

There's only so hot you can get

Without passing out or something

But I got to say this is weird

I love you sweetheart

Good night

i love you very much sweetheart, goodnight

 visited with the tree some

in my imagination

the tree is dizzy

because it has been re-wired to take in more CO2

and breathe out more oxygen

and it's not used to it yet

the flowers {tree says}

are gearing up to release "pollens"

which will be

foods

and maybe medicines

kinda like the manna in the desert situation

but

tree isn't too sure about the details

will they need to be collected

or will they simply be breathed in

not sure

i asked about the inter-dimensional or wtf nature

of all this stuff

tree didn't really understand me, couldn't say

 well

i certainly eased into today

is that spelled right?  eased? looks wrong

i set my alarm for 11am, said nah

reset it for 12pm

woke up at 1:30pm, sort of

and now

am finally at computer with coffee

it's beautiful outside

i mean, it's still 91

but it's only 91 and not super humid

there's this thing that happens here

there's this thing you feel in the air

it isn't like a chill

it's like there's an absence of an element of the heat

and you know fall is coming

that's been happening lately

and today

there still isn't a chill in the air (that's winter)

but there is a what you'd call nice breeze

fall is here!

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

card of the day: the hierophant :09/26/20

She went outside.

Overnight there had been an evolution.  The trees.  How to explain the trees with words, hmmm.  I suppose, the most immediate and quotidian way to describe what was going on would be to say the trees appeared to have multitudes of holographic mylar roughly flower shaped kites stuck in them.

She imagined the rainbow parade of gen alpha children dancing through the streets at dawn releasing their flower balloons.  For a moment her mind filled in glitter everywhere...and it...didn't track.  

They were flowers, actual flowers...sort of.  They were perhaps multi-dimensional, or inter-dimensional...not all there, here, it was complicated.  They shimmered and caught the light in ways that "real" plants would...just, not.

Neither were they ghostly or apparitional.  No ghost of Gaia past.  No jam yesterday and jam tomorrow, but never jam today romanticism.  Perhaps it was some sort of neo-gothic.  Perhaps fear was the right direction to lean into.

How ya doing tree?

Well I'm sort of awake

I slept really deeply hard

But not well

I woke up three or four times a leg cramps that had to walk off

And I dreamed something like a spy story

That somehow incorporated a single pigment story

And my being laid off from work

And these agents that would come and attach themselves to you I mean not like physically but

You'd be walking home from somewhere

And they would just kind of come up to you

Can I just have a few words with you

But sometimes

They'd be driving along the street and they would somehow pull your clothing into the door of the car so you couldn't get away

There were a lot of dark underpasses

But the spy was trying to attach himself to me

I think it was someone I knew personally

Side kind of a strange situation

And then there's some kind of

Time anomaly

I was back in some kind of past news event

Something I had knowledge of

But not firsthand knowledge of

And there was another woman there

And we both knew that we were like witnesses

We were talking to each other

We both saw whatever it was that people from our current time didn't realize about the event

But I don't think we interpreted it the same

Anyway it was very involved

And I'm exhausted

Like I don't know if you've ever had a dream where you were running around and doing things and working

and then when you woke up in the morning it was like you had really done all those things and you were exhausted

I don't know if you had that experience

But that's what it was like

I am super duper congested this morning

And I don't know if the thing is happening today

I got the impression that it wasn't

But I can't run down the stairs immediately and check it so if it is I'm probably going to miss it

Good morning sweetheart

I love you

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

card of the day: the star :09/25/20

 I'm pretty sure I never mentioned it to you yet, but I had the two disc soundtrack album to American Graffiti when I was a kid, and I was pretty serious about it.  That book of love song was one that I especially liked.  Also teen angel. Very emo.  

Now, just now, it makes me think of inscribed in the book of life.  And that just opens up a vector of metaphor and current events and stuff.  And maybe I've just had a crisis of conscience about the writing thing.  I wasn't enjoying it.  And, I felt like it was a lot of work to tell my story--  and the thing is, I don't want to tell my story.  I don't think I can tell this story about America, now, yet, and to be perfectly honest maybe I can't ever tell it.  I just needed a non-verbal way of communicating.  I just lost the desire to say things.  It wasn't that I wrote something and didn't like it.  I liked it fine.  I just hated it.  I don't expect that to make sense.  Also, I'm trying to work through some stuff, life stuff.  But I understand you still want to read my writing.  Maybe you need to read my writing, maybe it's important to you.  And I was writing to you for all those years--  it was when I started "writing" that I started hating it.

I feel like this is a very fundamental we differ.  You are a performer and I am not.  I do perform, but I have a very different relationship to it.  Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.  Maybe we have exactly the same relationship to it, maybe it just seems different to me.  Maybe it seems different based upon brain chemistry.  Maybe we have different brain chemistry.  Or maybe not.

For me, in my experience, from the inside as it were, I just shifted from something I was not enjoying to something I was enjoying in terms of medium, but I didn't notice any large shift.  However, I'm sensing that that is not how it seemed from the outside.

I'm sorry to have distressed you, or disappointed you, or whatever is the right word for the lack of connection or passion or drive or stick-to-it-ive-ness, or however to quantify the negative lack of my writing.  It just made me happier not to write, so I stopped.  It wasn't supposed to have negatively impacted you.

Maybe I'm depressed.  I'm not sure that I am, but it is certainly possible--  you could definitely make a case for it with the available data.  From the inside it feels like there are a lot of unknown variables and I'm more ok with that than I've ever been before, but as a consequence of that I feel like I am in a different relationship with time and space than I have ever been before.  Normally I spend a lot of energy trying to decide how things play out.  I'm kind of hardwired to run probabilities to prepare myself to deal with whatever, ya know.  If I was doing that I would have blown out the circuits.  So I have just sort of taken the next step of radical uncertainty.

I'm just floating here.  I'm thinking about what I want my life to be like.  I'm discarding any limitations in my thinking about how to get there.  I'm looking for inspiration.  I feel like the universe has proven that it is willing to provide the answers and I'm looking for the right ways to ask the questions.  

I'm in a different mind state.  If there are games we've played, then I probably will need to play them differently.  It doesn't mean I don't love you.  In fact, I like super love you, like to the moon and back.

 goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

My dishwasher

decided

it wanted to be a fountain

dayside is kicking my ass

Okay I think I'm going to go to bed

I was planning to go to bed two hours ago so probably time now

I love you very much sweetheart

All day I've been tired and thinking about taking a nap

Then after it got to be about 9:30 10:00 when I was thinking about going to bed

You know to maintain that sleep at night be awake during the day thing

I was wide awake wide awake

And I was doing various things on the computer

And then I was watching videos about paint

And I started watching one on Tuscany

And I fell asleep instantly I don't know I don't think I saw anything of it

And I woke up sitting in the chair up right 11 minutes and 12 seconds in

And it says San Gimignano

Which I didn't realize was in Tuscany so that didn't at all motivate my desire to watch that particular video

In fact it's completely about the painter

I'm trying to decide if I even like her paintings I'm not sure whether I do

What I had mostly seen her paint was flowers

And they're fine I'm not saying they're not good

They just didn't move me

And I'm not sure I like her

There's something very irritating about her

But then there's also something kind of compelling about her

So I'm trying to convince myself I guess maybe that I like her

And I thought Tuscany I watched her pick her paint ballot for that it seemed like she took like 150 paints and her little travel palette

And I thought oh I'll see how that came out cuz it's new she just posted it today

But all I saw was San Gimignano

Do you think it's a sign

I don't remember any of my dreams

I think the bad weather has pretty much passed

But I don't know I'm having some kind of allergy reaction cuz my eyes is super bad

Also I feel kind of strange

Slightly hungover or something

I don't think I've adjusted to the daytime yet

I'm having some coffee

I'm trying to decide if I want to take a bath or shower

I want to eat some toast or something

I don't know it's a lot of choices

I don't feel bad

I don't feel depressed

well I probably feel a little bit bad in a little bit depressed but not too bad

I guess what I'm trying to say is

I feel like somebody who has been living a vampire life who suddenly trying to live a day life and I'm giving myself some pushback

I did not feel like this yesterday

But then yesterday was a be up most of the night and just sleep for a few hours and then be awake during the day

And that's a different sort of thing

He would think that would make me feel less good

But I actually have a lot more practice functioning on reduced number of hours sleeping

Then I do on the whole change

Which is freaky

I realize it's freaky

I'm hungry

Just having a hard time wrapping myself around food

Anyway I'm going to go do that stuff but I just wanted to check in and let you know

Good morning sweetheart I love you

 i'm pretty tired

i'm going to sleep

i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I just remembered this part of my dream

I think it must have been from last night

But I suppose it could have been from the night before

At any rate I don't remember when it was

I just remembered that it was

I was in a bathroom

In a house I think

And you walked to the door

And you were kind of standing in the door frame looking at me

And then we both kind of had this realization that there were no other people around

I'm not sure about the configuration of this bathroom

And maybe it wasn't in a house

Oh I know is that behind me there was a wall

And you walked in

And you kind of pushed me against the wall

not like with your hands pushed me into the wall or anything but you just kind of walked into me and pushed me into the wall with your body

And then you kissed me

I can't explain this

And maybe you're going to think that I'm just f****** with you

But you look so good

I mean you don't look like you're trying to look good

But somehow it's really working for me

And it has a slightly sitter sound that instrument

That also really works for me

So how is it

But you still just continue to get hotter

I think it's unfair

I feel I need to protest

My timing is off today

watching now

I love you

Dreamed about a movie theater

But it was far away

So to get there you had to drive down this long highway

I can't remember how long

And there was a bunch of stuff I don't remember

But at the movie theater there was like this tradition

there was some really old movie that was like a short movie

And you pay your money and you do this whole like wind up routine where you have to do it a particular way cuz it's a tradition and plus that's the way it works without messing anything up and then you get to see this movie

So there's this whole physical procedural tradition and then you watch the movie

I hadn't done it in a really long time

So I was very excited

but then there was the sky who I knew that was there was from someplace else

and I don't know if I knew he was going to be there or if it was a surprise to me that he was there I'm not clear

But he had never done this whole thing

And he wasn't too sure he wanted to after I was telling him about it

And I'm like you know it's only $2

And he's like well I only have the $17 that I brought for the film

And I'm like man I will pay your $2 so you could do this whole thing

and then I was showing him how to do the wind up thing and

I don't remember what the film was about it was some historical thing I think

I wish I could remember more

I didn't want to do it before I came downstairs just in case there was something going on

So I'm super tired

I would have slept longer

But maybe this will get me back on a slightly more regular schedule which is probably a good thing

it's raining again

 i'm going to go to sleep

i was going to a little while ago

but

i got busy watching something

or a series of somethings

there's some stuff

i'd really like to know

how did you pick that place

do you like it

what do you like about it

it started raining harder

for a while

and now

it's completely quiet

but it may still be raining lightly

anyway

kitty could go out now

but he wouldn't want to

he doesn't like mud

or wetness

when i take a shower

or god forbid a bath

he just looks at me with concern

and disgust

he cannot believe

that's a thing, ya know

lucky for him i only do that once or twice a week anymore, huh

i'm very sleepy

last night

(or rather when i was asleep today)

i dreamed

i bought a new car

it was quite exciting

but

there was something wonky about the paperwork

like maybe i sent in the forms

not filled out completely

so

that's new

but

worrying

i hope you are doing well

i love you very much sweetheart

My cat is very upset

It's been raining all day

He wants to go out

But he doesn't want to go out in the rain

So he keeps coming and telling me I want to go out I want to go out

And I'm like yeah but you hear it raining right

And he thinks I can open my door

Into some kind of alternate reality where it's not raining he thinks I have that power

It's not flooding or anything

But who knows

I think we're in for several days of this

i've got to sleep

 idk exactly what you've got planned

but

i may or may not make it

if i don't

i'll be with you in spirit

i love you very much sweetheart

watching

it's raining here

pretty convincingly

love the art

good morning

i'm going

to sleep

for a while

i love you

very much

sweetheart

good stuff

 i'm gonna go to bed for a while

i thought

i'd tell you some stuff

life stuff

that i'm really enjoying

the painting, for sure

abstract landscapes are maybe what i'd like to paint

i'm working up to it

orange juice

i was eating oranges

but then i wasn't eating them

and then they had juice in the imperfect

and it's perfect

i just go take a swig

(it's not an enormous bottle)

whenever i want something

and i find i haven't then needed

chips or pretzels, or chocolate even--  weird huh

the h.e.b. started last fall with the fancy fancy dish soap scents

i had been using the orange scent one forever

and i was not pleased

until

i got the fall leaves

which was amazing--  best smell, ever

and then of course they didn't have it anymore

i don't like this trend

the grove (tree free toilet paper people) are always trying

to rope me into mrs. meyer's seasonal scents

but

now i've got rosemary and i love rosemary

it's like spa for me

non-fat greek yogurt

the h.e.b. has an excellent store version of this

and

i eat it with fruit or bee pollen or honey

or

grandy's granola

which is really good

another thing i'm enjoying

and

i love your wall

it's beautiful

that's not any of the things you might know i'm liking

just the little life things

i love you sweetheart

  

 yesterday

i took down the braid i've had

for i don't remember exactly

and

i almost had dreads

it took me a very longtime to separate

and then

it was a giagantic frizz

and then

without brushing it

i re-braided it

that's what i mean by

kinda rough

 i'm gonna go to bed now i think

i love you very much

i got more paints, you may have noticed

i decided i needed perylene green

i wanted the shade, but had to find what it was called

and then

it seemed like da vinci had one

da vinci is a less expensive brand

but i didn't remember if i'd ever had them before

and i'm wanting to try different brands

so that seemed to dove tail nicely

i got some sample sizes of two other colors

remember i said i was missing i'm pretty sure i said mars violet

but that's the same as violet iron oxide (which they said was transparent)

and they have a rose madder quinacridone which i had to get a sample too

because i was wanting that

and the rhodenite is very similar

but it has a weird granulation

i like thisnew one much better

so

i really like them all

though i admit the daniel smith are better quality

texture and mixing wise

all the brands have a different texture

and different qualities

the paints that i love

that i see staying in my palette long term

Sennelier Rose Dore Madder Lake

Daniel Smith Quinacridone Fushsia

Daniel Smith Sodalite Genuine

Daniel Smith Jadeite Genuine

Holbein Manganese Blue Nova

Holbein Umber

Da Vinci Perylene Green

Da Vinci Violet Iron Oxide

Da Vinci Rose Madder Quinacridone

the others

i'm not sure yet

i usually use earth tone yellows

i'm pretty sure about the mayan blue

i really love it but i'm not sure it's necessary

the piemonite is beautiful, but i'm not sure how useful it actually is

we'll see,i guess

i don't like the transparent red oxide

it's a good color

i just don't like it

i actively dislike the m. graham paints

the blue one is incredibly beautiful

i can't quite put my finger on why i don't like it

i guess they are all beautiful they seem flat somehow

they have a very opaque matteness they don't glow in the right way

the quinacridone gold is good

but it's too darkand brownish in it's mass tone

it weighs the color down

i'd like something that glows like that

just brighter

i hate the amethyst, hate

da vinci has a color i should have ordered a sample of

but i missed it

didn't understand it's greatness

until after i had ordered

so

i see it in my future

i hope you are having fun

and that you don't mind my general lack of talky-ness

i love you very much sweetheart

I dreamed about you

It was a bunch of little like micro situations

The biggest one

You had written this book

I think it was a biography

Of some woman that I don't think I had ever heard of and maybe that was the point

or maybe she was someone that everybody had heard of but didn't know about somehow I'm not sure that it's all very sketchy at this point but it was so clear in the dream

In the book it was like he was bound in some kind of weird creative way where you had to like tear off this stripped open up the the book

Wasn't a super long book

But it worked really well

It was all like super innovative and avant-garde

Also you had two children a boy and a girl and they were both younger

But there was something that I can't remember what some situation where you were very worried about them all the time

And we knew each other

In our relationship was kind of complicated

and like I said they were all these little bitty situational and conversational elements

But I don't have any sort of overarching what it was about

I was worried about you

You didn't seem happy

Oh I had almost forgotten this

I was at this I don't even want to call with a coffee shop it was like a coffee kiosk almost

it was like a restaurant but you walked up to it kind of like a mall situation only it wasn't in a mall I don't think I think it was outside

And I I don't know if I ate I think I must have eaten but I don't remember anything about what I ate

And then you were meeting me there

But you had someplace else you needed to go I think I don't know if you ate I don't think you did I think you were just meeting me there

And we got coffee

And the I think it was a it was a guy waiter but not waiter because it wasn't behind a counter

He was asking me if I wanted to get dessert

They had this thing he called Christmas pie

And I don't know what that was but in the dream I seem to have some vague idea what it might be although I don't think it was something I had had I think it was like something I was interested in having

And I was like well I think we're going somewhere I don't think I have time to sit here and have dessert right now but I will definitely keep it in mind

And so the first thing we did was we walked over to this table

And it was just some kind of cheap restaurant type table but it was sitting outside in the dark and I think it was connected to this kiosk thing

And we were both leaving tips

And so I saw actual bills like fooling money which I haven't seen for a while

It was kind of startling

But I'm making the stack of monies 10 and a 5 and like 4 ones

and you're doing your stack of money and we're kind of competing to see if you could do it faster

And we're leaving it for this waitress I don't know why I don't know what that was all about but it was important that we tip her

And then we wandered out from there

And we met up with your kids

And they were different

I mean obviously the boy was different because you don't have a boy but the girl was different too

And I got this since that they knew me already

I just can't remember

But there was something very worrying about the situation

I cannot remember

Was like some sort of danger

Some sort of very fundamental uncertainty

And I didn't have anything to do with me specifically it wasn't like I was causing some kind of danger or uncertainty

A danger and uncertainty was in the world but it was specifically something you were worried about

And so I was worried about you

but then I was very fundamentally uncertain about like my place in this whole situation

I didn't really have any power to fix whatever it was that you were worried about

And I don't really know what our situation was

On the one hand it seemed to be more like in the real world

But then on the other hand not really

And I can't remember like really any details that would be useful although it seemed like it went on for a long time and there was a lot of it

Anyway I just woke up and I tried to get this down as quickly as I could before it all disappeared

But now I really have to pee

I'm going to bed

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I actually like my chart

Better than any of the charts that she mixed

I have an oops because I'm pretty sure I used the Quinacridone instead of the Izo with the manganese blue on the top row so I redid it that's a nice green though the oops is a nice green so good to know

And then the do-overs I actually felt like I've gotten too much of the quidacridone gold mixed in and so I made alternate mixtures

But I think it's kind of interesting because the quinacridone fuchsia mixed with the rose dore is essentially almost pyrrol red

So I may keep that yellow for mixing it mixes really nice oranges it mixes really nice greens

The quiddacridone gold mixed with the izo yellow makes essentially a ocher and the quidacridone gold mixed with the quinacridone fuchsia makes essentially a burn sienna color so I mean yeah I'm pretty happy with every single color on here

But I really enjoyed that class type thing

and I watched it all speed it up so it didn't take quite as long I think 3 hours was a little long for that but there were heartwarming family stories and such

I love you

those holbein colors

are better than I remember

I've been dreaming about color

I can't really remember the dreams

But some of them are anthropomorphized

That's right right

Anthropomorphized

It's anthropomorphic

I know that

But I feel like anthropomorphized might be wrong

I'm going to bed now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I love you

I'm glad you're ok

I'm sorry I wasn't visible

It never occurred to me that that would be an option

And while my face isn't in bad shape

My hair is looking pretty rough

And I had just rolled out of bed

not even to mention I don't have anything particularly attractive set up behind me it's pretty it's pretty rough

So if

Did wrong

well I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to make the technology work so

Just know that I love you

Well

Zoom seems to be working

😁

All right well I'm going to try

But I've never done anything with zoom before so I'm not sure if it's all going to work out

I'm going to sleep for a little while though

I'm not sure how I like those primary color paints I don't guess I ever really paint with primary colors

The red and the yellow are really beautiful but they just don't quite feel right

Plus the yellow is really weak it takes a ton of that and you just put like a drop of something else in it so I don't know they are really pretty though maybe I'll get it figured out

The blue is a pretty color

And it's good that it doesn't have all that granulation and stuff in it

Then it looks kind of flat so what I think it's mostly going to work for is glazing over the top with it

But it is a really beautiful color

And I had kind of assumed from things that I read that the ingram and the sennelier would be kind of the same texture but they aren't

Well I guess the blue is closer but the yellow is super duper runny

So I don't know I'll probably go through that yellow pretty quickly and I don't think I will repurchase it

And I don't know about that red Man it is so pretty but it just does not look like something I would use

And the quinacridone it seems better when it's watered down and that's kind of how I meant for it to be used was as a gold but you just got to be careful that it doesn't turn into that kind of brownie color not really brown more like ochre

I used the purple in the center of the flower I made a lot of little tiny dots which don't read as little tiny dots they read as much bigger dots

But I mean it it really looks good in that context so I don't know maybe I'm not as against the purple as I thought I was but only just used in little tiny tiny amounts

But like for example I painted the bluebonnet and I mean it's not like I got a picture of a bluebonnet in front of me I'm just painting it for memory and it it looks good painted with that whatever that blue is called but it just looks really flat so then I put the other blues in with it and then it just seemed like it had a lot going on it looked better in the picture than it actually looked in real life I think that it is my plan to paint flowers

That's what I felt like painting

and there is this palette that I saw and it's arranged really smart it's one of those tin ones but if I ever need to get a watercolor palette for somebody I think I'm going to either get that one or do one like that it's very cool

Anyway I hope you're doing good

And like I said I'm going to try

But I'm not sure about the technology

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm gonna take a nap

Hopefully just for a couple hours

I guess you got where you were going

I am assuming you are safe

My primary colors paints came

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Well I was having some trouble mixing colors for sure

but if you keep in mind that I haven't actually gotten my primary colors yet

then I think I can be forgiven for not being able to mix everything I'm trying for

I am a little miffed that it does not look as though the quinacridone gold and the quinacridone fuchsia are going to mix skin tone

it's been a long time since I've mixed skin tones because I haven't been painting people and I haven't really ever done it with watercolors

Both of my parents painted with watercolors

And so I did when I was a kid like a little kid

And then again when I moved in with my mom I guess for a while

And I did some watercolors that I put in her gallery and I sold at least one of them

I think I sold more than one

But I remember I had this one that I did

It was all bright colors and it had joy painted on it

I mean I don't really remember I think it was all abstract but it just said joy in the middle

But this lady came into the gallery on a day when I was there and she saw it and she was like my name is Joy and she loved it and she bought it

So that's cool I had forgotten about that

And what I find kind of strange

Is if you mention anything about doing art

To like a regular boring life type person

They ask you two questions

The first one is usually have you ever sold any

And the second one is what style of art do you do or how would you describe the style of your art or some variation on that like so is your art impressionistic or whatever term they've actually heard before of art

But whatever

I just wanted to paint

And by and large I am liking these choices

But I hate that amethyst

I mean it's pretty but not for me

It's too sparkly

And it just I don't know there's something about premixed purples that they just seem fake

Like I know those quinacridone colors

They're not like Earth tones

But somehow they just look right

And purples just don't

I mean if they're like magenta or something like that fuchsia looks great I love that color I love that color and I don't even mind it as a red but I love it

but when I was painting on that page and I put that purple I was like uhnnn

and then the purples that I mixed just looked so much better to me than that purple

and the funny thing is that there's no way it's in a natural color it's it is an earth color it's made from f****** rock

But whatever I don't like it

Also the transparent red oxide

Has a lot of granulation

Which works great if you're doing anything like trees or rocks or sides of buildings or things like that but works a lot less good if you're making something that's supposed to be you know skin or flower or something that doesn't have that kind of texture to it

So if I can find something that's maybe not quite that color but would work for mixing for things like that then I might end up with that

But by and large I'm really happy with all those colors and I'm also really happy with this brush I'm glad I did not also get a smaller brush because I don't need a smaller brush

The tip on this and the spring of it is good enough that you know there's no way I'm going to paint anything small enough that it won't work

I would like to have something that's a little less that puts down washes and big swaths of color better because this when you're doing a big swath it's it's not quite right for it

But they have another one in the same series that's more specifically a squirrel fake synthetic that's the word I'm looking for synthetic synthetic squirrel so I ordered one of those in the same size and I think that'll probably work for me I mean I'd like to have one of those sets with all the fancy brushes but I think I probably don't need it

And regardless of whether I need it or not I'm not getting it right now both because I don't need to be spending money on that

And also

Because you physically can't get them right now they're only carried in America by one place and they're out of stock on them and the Spanish website won't ship to America so even if it was vitally important that I have it it isn't possible to get it

But I think when I've got the primary colors

And I've got that umber

that skin tones are going to be a lot easier to mix

Because I think the umber is going to really help with that oh my God that's just too goddamn pink

So all in all I'm pretty pleased

And to be honest with you all that mixing is super duper fun for me That's actually a lot more fun than trying to paint detailed things

It's really all about the color

And the texture

And the painterliness of it

And maybe I finally will learn how to use watercolors

I mean when I was in college I had to learn how the oil paints worked and oil paints are really fun but really inconvenient

They dry really slow and you got to figure out where to put the stuff so that the cat doesn't knock it over and the paint and the turpentine and the mixing medium and all that kind of stuff it if it spills on anything it makes a huge mess

And I like to paint in that you know drippy kind of style well I guess I didn't do that as much when I painted with oils but whatever it still made a big mess

and none of that stuff is really good for you to breathe either

and then I started painting with acrylics and that is all different The paint works different The colors mix different

I mean with oil you can mix the color and put it on the canvas

And you can also put on a layer and then let it dry and put on another layer

And then you can glaze things

and really it probably doesn't look very good unless you do all of those things

Which means it takes a really long time because even if you put something on in the medium that speeds up the drying I mean it's going to take over a day

and if you want to work on more than one thing you got to have places to put all that stuff where your cat isn't going to knock it over and blah blah blah so it just doesn't really all that feasible if you're living in an apartment where you won't get your deposit back if things get messed up and you got carpet and all that

Now acrylic it dries really fast

It still screws stuff up if you get the paint on it because volleyball I mean

Soluble

It's soluble in water

But only if you catch it while it's still wet if you let it dry it's like plastic or polymer or something it like has to be scraped off

Which doesn't work if you get it on fabric

I mean you can paint a t-shirt with acrylic paint and it's you know an art piece you can wear

and wash and wear and it'll crack and stuff eventually but it takes a long time

But you know you can put down a drop cloth or area rug or something in the area where you're working to keep it from getting on the rug

And you can just stay in the area and wait until it dries to fend off the cat

but you still need an easel when it takes up a fair amount of space and you got to buy canvases and you know it has its drawbacks but I got to where I felt like I was you know reasonably good at it like I felt like I'd kind of got the hang of how the stuff worked

Couldn't really do a painting and then another painting on top of it and have it show through and stuff it pretty much is opaque and it covers everything

And you could kind of do glazes but they didn't work the same way

But I felt like I had kind of gotten the hang of it

and I had that one Daniel Smith acrylic paint that was a duochrome well I think I had more than one but I only really ever used one because it was perfect

And that became like a very important feature in the paintings so that you know when you turned them and moved them and looked at them in different light they looked different

And they have what they're calling a duochrome and watercolor but it isn't really

Because it isn't kind of based on what angle you're looking at it from it doesn't really shift if you paint it on something that's dark it looks one color and if you paint it on something that's light it looks another color well that's not really

I mean I guess it is technically do a chrome because it's two colors

But it's really an interference paint

And that's not nearly as exciting

But they have that same color and I came very close to ordering it as one of my original paints

but you know like all of them I did some research before I ordered and it was like I said interference not do a chrome so I mean why bother it's not that exciting

And I ended up ordering I guess the majority of the paints that I ordered were from Daniel Smith

and I'm not upset about that I like Daniel Smith a lot Daniel Smith makes a really good paint

But I kind of wanted to get a few from a bunch of different companies so I could kind of tell you know which one I liked better

And I did end up getting that one from sennelier

and I do really like that one and I really like the texture and I really like how it blends with things and it's a bigger tube it's 21 ml instead of 15 which is nice

Although some of the paints that I got were 5 ml

In that sample box they're very small

But I had really wanted to try something from schmincke

And qou wish I think that's how it spelled

I cannot spell it's so sad

I found out there's another brand called White knights but I don't think that one looks as good to me I saw a demo with it and it seemed like the pigment didn't flow and I don't know just didn't seem so good and there's old Holland and there's Van Gogh, da Vinci

and there's Rembrandt but for some reason I have a recollection of not liking Rembrandt

Although I'm sure they would have been oil paints that I used and they were probably student grade oil paints so that probably doesn't have anything at all to do with what their watercolors are like but I don't know I have some kind of recollection that I do not like Rembrandt

Not the painter he's fine I'm not trying to throw shade on him but the brand I don't care for and there's another one called mission gold I think there's another there's another part to it like mejillo

Or something like that which mission gold and mejillo sounds like it would be well it sounded to me like it would be from California to be honest but I mean I don't know it's from Korea South Korea which surprised me it didn't sound like a Korean company but sometimes Korean companies choose names that don't sound Korean at all and I guess they're not the only ones that do that I mean Häagen-Dazs is not European

this is a lot of talking without content that really is probably all that interesting to you

Sorry

Anyway I hope you're doing well I think I might take a nap

I don't want to sleep for a really long time I don't really like this psycho where I'm just floating later and later and later

I mean when I sleep I'm usually not sleeping longer than 8 hours but I'm staying up longer or I don't know something but it's just I don't like that it's floating later and later but and I realize that I've probably only been up for like wait eight to eight is 12 9 10 11 12 1 2 well so I've been up like 18 hours no wonder I'm tired okay

So I think I'm going to take a nap

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

 i guess i should go to sleep

i love you very much sweetheart

i hope everything is beautiful where you are

tonight i should be able to paint you something

i think i'm getting ten of the fifteen paints today

we'll see

or nine, i guess

i got one already

and a brush

and some books i'm supposed to be able to paint in

i'll get some watercolor paper later

these seemed more convenient to start

(also cheaper) also funner

they don't seem especially thick paper-y

but

i think they'll be ok

Well I've been up for almost 24 hours so I'm going to go sleep for a little while I think

It's 9/11

It feels different this year though

I mean 9/11 doesn't feel like a bigger crisis than what's happening right now

It just doesn't

I still remember all that stuff

The stuff I talk about just about every year

Except I think I may have said that the guy that I had a late lunch with at aunty pasto'sI think I may have said his name was Casey and it wasn't Casey it was Cassidy

So I want to correct that now

But I just don't feel the way I usually feel on 9/11

and I don't know whether that is a thing that makes perfect sense

Or whether it means I'm un-American or something

That just all seems like it was in a different world somehow

The way the world after 9/11 seems like a different world than the world before

Well that seems like a different world than the world now

I've taken to thinking and I didn't think this up but I have adopted it I've taken to thinking of everything before this as the before times

So I don't know

I hope that you are doing well

And I love you very much

and I am super excited about the paints that are coming and some of them are coming today and some of them are coming tomorrow and some of them are not coming for a long time

But I'm very excited

And early voting starts here on October 13th

And I'm going to vote on October 13th

It looks like as of now there are two places reasonably close to me

One is supposedly an annex of University of Houston that I have no previous knowledge of it's supposed to be on Hillcroft which is about 2 mi away I think and then there's another place that's in a Hampton inn that's on the other side of 610 for me and I think that's maybe two and a half or three miles

So assuming that those are right I'm not sure which is the better place to go

But I'm going to vote early

I've been voting early for years

I didn't vote early in 2000

I'm not even sure they had early voting in 2000 here I sort of don't think they did

I'm not certain if I early voted in 2004

I sort of think that's when I started

But it's possible that I didn't start until after that

For sure I did in 2008 for sure

and the very first place that I ever early voted is a place that I could still early vote and I may just go there

It's a community service center that's like a gym I'm not sure that that's what you'd call it but it's a a place where people play like wheelchair basketball and stuff like that it's over in Montrose well it might technically be fourth ward

But it was pretty nice

Last last election I think I voted in an office building in the galleria area

And the time before that it was kind of on the cusp between spring ranch and the heights

That was kind of a far drive and I wasn't crazy about the place

also both that place and the one in the office building had very limited parking but the community service center has quite a bit of parking

So I don't know I may do that

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

i'm so very excited

 i bought a few more paints

and while i was not intending to

i am so very happy and excited about my choices

that i want to share them with you

so, to recap:

azo yellow

quinacridone gold

pyrrot red

quinacridone fushcia

anthroquinone blue

manganese blue nova

sodalite genuine

holbein umber

i mentioned the transparent red oxide before, well i went looking for a video about rose dore madder lake because i had seen it when i was looking at rose madders and it looked enigmatic, which i think it is.  sennelier is supposedly known for their reds and they had a french vermillion that i decided i didn't like as much as the schmincke vermillion light, which, as it turns out, is not really light fast so it had to be abandoned.  and i found a "sampler" pack of daniel smith paints with six of the primatek paints in--  piemonite (which i had previously spotted as being something i wanted), rodecrosite, mayan blue, amethyst, jadeite, and hemitite (which i don't really want, but maybe i could give it to my mother).

the jadeite is more of a veridian/forest green than the apatite (but i think it will be easier to paint with).

they are in small tubes, but they are also a deal for being a set, and then i can see how they work.  and the amethyst (maybe) lets me spit my violets with the fushsia being the warm and the amethyst being the cool (although it isn't really all that cool for a violet and it has sparkles which i'm not sure whether i like or not)--  it is really beautiful.  the mayan blue is super beautiful.  the rodecrosite is too.  i feel like i'm really blue heavy but the sodalite is a black substitute.

so, i was going to do six (which none of us ever believed) and i ended up with fifteen--  but five of them are on a trial and won't stay if they aren't great.  the palette i got holds eighteen colors, soi have space for three more.  it was the right price and configuration.  i didn't buy a much bigger palette than i needed just to have an excuse toget more colors.  i didn't want a tiny one.  i wanted one with mixing room.  

i'm pretty chuffed!

i cannot wait to paint.

i realize that most people probably do not take that long to pick out their paints

but

i think you know by now

that's how i am

picking the colors

was an incredibly important and enjoyable part of the process

that i did poorly last time and so didn't really enjoy it

i didn't get much sleep

i got up for that thing,just in case you were there

i came in late

heard your thing and then didn't hear the rest of it

i thought that getting three hours of sleep

would mean

that i would got to bed earlier

but

it's already after seven

so i guess not 

I'm gonna sleep a little

I love you very much sweetheart 💋