golden gate

when i was like three and a half
my gran gran, my aunt joan, and i
drove from texas to san francisco to pick up
my hippy aunt
i'm not sure why she didn't just take a bus or something
i'm sure there was a reason
and i don't think it was because everyone wanted a road trip

i remember a surprising amount of the trip
which is to say
not a huge amount
but i was three and a half

i think i've told you some of it before
and i should write a story or something
but
for right now
i'm just going to paint a little picture

the reason is
i've had this image coming up
over and over again recently

me
standing on a pier at fisherman's warf
with a starfish
it was the kind of starfish
that one could buy at anyplace that sold seashells
in 1970 at least
and for years and years afterwards
although i don't see them much anymore
about four inches across
orange with little white bumpy texture across the top
and a zillion little dried leggy/feel-y bits on the underside
and i was picking off those fringe-y bits
i couldn't help myself
i was standing there alone
the adults could see me
but they weren't close by
i was looking alternately out at the water
and back at the dramatic long orange curtains
at the restaurant
had we just gone there?
i don't think so
i think we were trying to go
but there was probably debate about whether
there was anything my vegetarian aunt could eat
and whether she was willing to watch the hungry carnivores eat
i don't specifically remember that part
not from like that occasion
but that was how she was

i was standing alone
looking at the curtains
looking out at a sea lion
but
i'm not sure now if it was real or not
it might have been inflatable
i don't think i knew then
i think i was intently trying to tell if it were real
but it wasn't moving
my reality had not included wild sea lions
and i was trying to figure it out
and picking the stuff off the starfish

but
seeing that now
i'm wondering
what if i had jumped in?
i wasn't paying much attention to the aults
and they weren't paying much attention to me
what time of year was it?
i wasnt to say fall
i want to say i had a sweater on
but
i'm not sure
i know it wasn't hot
but
i don't think san francisco gets hot enough
even in the hottest part of summer
to seem hot to me


i liked san francisco
i liked golden gate park [i think it was called]
i liked chinatown [i got a golden plate and container set]
i'm not sure that i liked the trolleys [they were a little scary to get on]
the biggest adventure
i feel like i told you that part before
was when my hippy aunt was giving my aunt joan driving directions
she didn't drive herself, you see
and she turned her onto lombardi street
and she was not sure she could handle it
but she couldn't turn back
there were people behind her
so she had to drive down the "crookedest street in the world"
and she was really really pissed off about it
and she went really really slow
so the people behind her were also pissed off

i've had a strange day
i have been having some trouble making myself do things
i don't know if it's a mood thing
or what
but
like i wouldn't do my taxes back in april
so i filed for an extension
and that meant they were due today
and
i've been trying to make myself do them all month
it doesn't take very long
because i don't itemize or anything
i owed a little bit
because i don't have them take out any extra
and i have some starbucks dividends

i feel like i shouldn't be talking about this
isn't that strange
anyway
i got up at 9am
and i had already basically done them
i just had to type them out
and print them
and write a check
and mail it

but it was probably 3pm before i'm dropping it in the mailbox
and i know
normal people do some kind of online paying
or phone paying
but
i have some issues
some of them are just stubborn
and some of them are related to
technology failures in one way and another

but
i just didn't want to pay it
i kept thinking
T doesn't pay taxes
he just gave abuncha  rich people a tax break
i barely make any money and i gotta pay
hardly anything comparatively
there's no state income tax here
and whatnot
but
i was all in a funk
and
i had to go get sushi to cheer myself up
20% off for "happy hour" since it was like 4pm



sorry if i've been out of pocket
it's just been really bad
i even did my car inspection first
and it isn't technically due til the end of the month
but i did it the day i wore my freaky pants
and got the new sticker already too
texas has combined the inspection and registration stickers
but
there's all this stress for me
because i've tried to get the inspection done
when the speedometer and odometer are both working
and
i missed that window
so i'm looking up what you need to pass
and, turns out, you don't actually need odometer
that is the cheapest inspection i've had in like 15 years
i only had to pay for inspection
nothing needed fixing

I'm going to bed sweetheart
I love you
meet me in dreamland

i'm having some feels around the EW thing and i want to talk about it [edited]

now
i'm a little put off to be honest
by the whole one ancestor 6 to 10 generations back
i can't explain exactly
but
maybe if i tell you why i don't want to take a dna test
it'll make more sense


i might be as much as 1/8 native american
which is not a whole lot
but
i figure
if my grandfather's father
was a full blood indian
he probably would have passed on some specifics
some practices
tribal knowledge
specific stories
but
i never heard anything like that
so
i figure he must have been half
but
he could have been less, i guess
he looked indian
indian enough to be killed for being an indian
and my grandfather looked indian
so
i figure that he must have been half indian
and that makes me an eighth  [no it doesn't, it makes me a sixteenth]

but
i worry that that might be wrong
but
i figure
he did have a red headed sister
so maybe he was less than 1/4
there's all that recessive and whatnot
but
at the outside i figure i couldn't possibly be less than 1/32
which is like
hardly statistically relevant
but is still something, ya know like 3%

and that's why i don't want to take a dna test
they aren't even terribly good at the native american dna
because the tribes don't like to participate in the dna testing
so they have to extrapolate from mexico and central america
it tends to get lumped into asian
because
that's where the indians came from
long time ago on the bering strait
and
i cannot handle
if i don't show up
or if it's 1% or 3% asian
so
i don't want to do it

i understand i don't count as indian
i don't have tribal registry
or affiliation or even a very sure guarantee
that my grandfather was not fucking making up blackfoot
just because it sounded cool to him


now
maybe i'm wrong
maybe he was
i keep saying he
because i don't know his name
maybe he was full blooded indian
and his wife wouldn't let the kids learn indian stuff
maybe

so then my grandfather was half
my father a quarter
and me
then i'm an eighth
that's like my best case senario then, huh, 12.5%


but
it won't tell me for sure what tribe
and it won't help me learn anything about anything
so
all it can do really
is take my 12.5% and make it 1%
ya know
why do that?

it might say

50-ish% german
20-ish% scottish
20-ish% irish
10-ish% asian/native american
or maybe i would be surprised

but
in the end
i don't see what difference the surprise would make
what difference does it make
what countries your ancestors came from
if you don't know them
aren't they really just abstractions
and then you're just telling yourself stories about what any of it means

it's not gonna tell me i'm 50% sub-saharan-african
or japanese
that would surprise me
but
it wouldn't really tell me anything about myself, ya know

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

ok
let me ask you something
wtf is wrong with KW
i've avoided ever hearing him
i'm not sure why exactly
something about the way people talk about him
but
he comes off as slightly schizophrenic
except that he is coherent-ish
like the words make sense
but
it doesn't hang together as a coherent concept
let me contrast

lucid

intelligent

thinks DT was running to build up to something

not to become president

this was the first george carlin i ever saw

either it flams or it doesn't flam

I think I started brushing my hair back
when I was letting the uber short
shaved back bob grow out
I put some gel in it
when it was wet
and brushed it back
combed it back
and then
I did not brush it out
wet look
this was less popular
than the giant teased asymmetric do
which was so unpopular
that
when I got caught in the rain
and the whole thing fell
into a curly/wavy flat wet do
everyone ran up to me
and said
wow your hair looks great today
I associate people running up to me
when my hair is different
with
we didn't want to tell you how bad
we thought it looked before
so
we'll just effusively praise this
and hope that does the trick
and it might
if I cared what anyone else thought of my hair
I don't though
I never have


I'm doing it for me
and to project something, ya know


but
one day I was talking to my hippy aunt
after I hadn't seen her for a while
and
she had almost always worn her hair
in two side braids
and I was looking at her
same color as mine red hair
and her inch and a half part
and
I'm all like
ok, good warning
no parts
no parts ever


and
I stand by that
I'm not unhappy with that decision

ok
I have to go to bed now
but
possibly what I wanted to tell you
was
either
why I started brushing my hair back
well
no
actually I started doing that in the early 90s
but
in earnest I mean


or
my theory about BK's
freakishly inappropriate prepared statement


or
possibly
it was neither of these things


anyway
I love you sweetheart
goodnight

when i went to bed night before last
there was something i wanted to tell you
but it was a story or something and i had fallen asleep in the chair
and i just wasn't awake enough to tell you at that moment
but
yesterday i tried all day
and i can't remember what it was
and usually, if this kind of thing happens
i try to back track
and whatever i saw that triggered the memory
usually re-triggers the memory
but
no luck
i hope it wasn't fascinating
because
it might be a while before i get back to it, ya know


yesterday
i got up at 6;30
because kitty wanted breakfast
but then i went back to bed
slept til 10:30 and in some ways i feel pretty good
but then in others not so much
and about 2:30 i got really dizzy
i had to lie down
i was really worried about myself
i fell asleep
i slept another  three hours

this morning
i don't want coffee
it just seems like too much acid
plus the cream and sugar
i don't want the sugar
but i can't drink coffee black
well, unless it's really good coffee
made in a french press
but that is not the situation

now
i always want coffee
but today, i have the distinct imprression that it will make me sick
and i was drinking coffee before i got dizzy
so maybe i've connected them in my mind
i really hope not
i love coffee

i'm drinking iced tea
which i'm drinking without sugar (as always)
but
when i was a kid
if i drank iced tea in the morning
it made me vomit
now, granted
that was powdered iced tea
which is what deborah bought
which is what i could fix myself
but
i think it had to do with the tannins
to much for my weaker morning stomach

but
i think it's fine now
i was drinking iced tea when i went to bed
i'm just finishing it up
then i think i'm going to have some emergen-C

I dont think wigs are going to work for me
I think I have too much hair
I dont even think my hairline
has receded beyond "normal"
but
I used to have a widow's peak
anyway
that purple wig
it barely comes below my ears
and none of my hair will fit under it


whatever


I love you

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is good with you


things actually went ok with my mom

good morning sweetheart
hope your day is good
with beautiful weather


I'm not getting my hair cut Sunday
I'm not sure
any hair decision I made right now
would count as being in my right mind
I feel pretty emotional
so
I'm gonna wait


stomach still upset
head still hurts
I ordered a probiotic
which will hopefully help


I've got more to talk about
but
I'm going to dinner with my mom
so
more later, I guess

so
god sent me a hairstylist
this girl walked up to my register
and said:
wow you have such beautiful hair
now
when I was a kid
and a young woman
people said this so much
it fucking irritated me
but
it's been a while


I washed it this morning
and
I put the stuff in it
but a little more than normal
and
I parted it
just let it hang down
it pained me
I've been wearing it brushed back
for so long that this looks
really wrong to me
but
it puts less emphasis
on the reduction of hair
and
I'm certain she was talking about
the color
but
she's a stylist
and I asked where
and she's like
it's just around the corner
but
it's more expensive
I'm like how much
if you don't mind my asking
we start at $95
but the
and I'm
like
yeah, that's about what I need to be paying
I haven't been for a while
but
I used to when I made more money
can I get your card
she didn't have one
but she wrote it down for me
Andie at Kharisma Hair Studio
you could ask for me
yeah, that's what I was gonna do 😊

I took an iron supplement
I feel like I might be a little anemic
I still feel weird
but
not as bad as yesterday
when i had that stomach bug
i think it messed up
my internal flora
because i haven't been quite right
so
i guess, maybe, in retrospect
it wasn't menopause
it was bug
who the hell knows
maybe this right now
is psycho somatic
maybe a lot of women
are feeling ill


idk
i love you sweetheart
i hope you have a good day

well ok
the first wig came
that's the one i ordered from the shopping
and, truthfully i thought that one was probably going back
i just got really hopeful when i saw that hot girl video for that wig
and maybe
if i styled it all up
it might look a little like that
but
i could tell right away that it wasn't really gonna work for me
and i don't like to mess things up if i'm sending them back
i'm old school
and returning things at all makes me a little uncomfortable
but
it's too short
and the color washes me out
the only other color options
are too red and too brown
so there's not even anything, really
to exchange it for
plus
it seems small
around seemed fine
the top back seemed too big
but my hair has to go someplace
so I'm not thinking that's a problem
but
it doesn't seem like it goes down enough
maybe that's how wigs are supposed to fit
my experience with wigs
I was in I think fourth grade
I was Sally Bowles for Halloween
and then I kept the wig around
and used it to play my alternate personality
Vikki Wolf
I'm thinking I told you about that
I loved that
of course I thought I wanted to be an actress at that age
and I really enjoyed pretending to be
somebody else
but
I enjoyed creating her story
maybe more
I doubt I would enjoy
just being somebody else's character
anyway that wig was probably way too big
that wig was black
and it didn't go with my coloring
at all
honestly, I think it probably looked
really weird
but
ya know
I think I was born with Goth tendencies
and, ya know, I loved the Addams family
whatever
I'm a little worried
but
if I have to get large size wigs
that limits me
although
I think just not super short will be fine
rae might be long enough
but, if not
there are options


I think I'm going to
take pictures
of rae and Tia Maria to the salon
and see if they think they can do that
but maybe a tiny bit longer, maybe
or
like a shattered bob generally
with an angle
and a little bit of shaved nape
maybe
we'll see how it goes


I love you sweetheart

ok
so i had all this stuff i wanted to discuss
but then i wasn't sure where to start
and now
now i'm not sure i remember all of it

i'm having feels about the whole BK thing
like idk how to explain
i was watching the circus
and this woman was screaming and crying at flake
are you telling me you don't care about what happened to me
are you telling all women that
and
i lost it a little
i feel very strongly
that BK is a raper
there isn't really enough "evidence"
but, there is, ya know
i understand that feinstein's timing had political motivations
and i'm not opposed to that
but
it seems to muddy the water a bit
and then these fucks are jumping on that and saying
it's all made up
which they would say anyway

but
there is an underlying trauma
i'm feeling
i was at work
and i was not quite wishing tha a bunch of male senators would get raped
not quite
but


and
i've been unwrapping a pallet of christmas ornaments
because christmas starts next week
but
i haven't been upset about it
i'm practically volunteering
and today at work
i looked down
and there is glitter everywhere
and i stretched out my arms
just to stretch, ya know
and
i could feel prickling rain on my arms
and i had a whole swirl of emotions that i don't even understand


and that girl
who got the other job
and then has been trying to come back
she quit today
and came in crying looking for dennis
and he has to hire people for christmas
i don't see how he can not hire her
unless he's gonna say:
i don't want your drama
and i just don't know

they didn't let her go at her 90 day
like i expected they would
but
they didn't give her the salaried position with insurance that she was expecting
they just kept her on hourly
so
the job turns out to be fifty cents more
and misery


and it turns out this sunday is my hair cut day
every year for the last three or four years
i've been getting my hair cut at the breast cancer cure event
it raises money for breast cancer
and it's a discounted haircut
and
i haven't been very happy with the haircuts
or the few i've gotten on different days at the ulta
because i always think they cut my hair like a soccer mom
and i hate that
but
i can't afford the caliber of stylist that i quite frankly need
and while i pulled off fairly elaborate big hair
without heat tools
and with only health food store styling products
i'm not working with that level of raw materials

i've been craving that buzz cut back of the head
that feels so good to run your hands over
but
i don't think i can pull that look off any more
and
i don't want to turn you off
maybe you want me to have my hair a certain way
i'm not clear on that

it's hot
and in the way
and a constant source of disappointment to me
i've got hair
it's ok
i've got no right to complain
but
i don't enjoy my hair anymore
and i have this idea in my head
that wigs are the answer to hair drama

i never permed or colored my hair
except for highlights
and
one time i put a henna rinse on it in 97
and one time i dyed it blonde
to try to get the henna (which was more red red) out

my hair used to be so strong
i could take a strand of hair that had fallen out
and pull it and pull it and watch the stretch and strength
until finally enough pressure would break it

now i pull the strand of hair
and as soon as it gets taught
it snaps

do you think i could pull this off with my bio hair?

probably there was more
but i can't remember
sleep tight sweetheart, i love you

good morning swertheart

well
I went online to look at that wig again
it just looks so much
like styles I had
but longer, ya know
I'm a big hair girl, I guess
I don't know if the purple's gonna work
my hair stylist friend
but dark red low lights in my hair once
and he's like
oh
this doesn't look right with your coloring
and from then on
he put bright yellow highlights
which looked great
but
when I went on to look
there was a 40% off coupon
so
I just bought it
if it doesn't work
I'll find another color
I think that's my
"80s retro look"

i didn't get to see the testimony today
i had some people tell me about it
but
it doesn't look like it's going to stop his confirmation
and
i wonder
if he is confirmed
and
the investigation continues
and he turns out to be a raper
then what
will they just let him stay on the supreme court

i've been flashing back to college
the anita hill testimony

i just don't know

i wish trump had not been elected
and
i'm not sure which way the mid-terms are gonna go

i'm worried

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed

i love you

goodnight sweetheart
I feel much better
I love you very much

ok
well
not exactly dizzy
not brain foggy
so good there
but
my lower back really really hurts
I feel generally like i was put through
some sort of wringer
and
I don't feel emotionally strong enough
to deal with
really anything


I have to though


so I'm of course going to work
but
I'm taking 3 ibuprofen
and I'm taking 3 more with me


time was when I would have been afraid
that I'd shut down my liver doing that
but
when I had that super bad flu
a few years ago
and my body aches were intense
the doctor game me 800mg ibuprofen
and told me to take it 3 times a day
which i didn't
I only took it twice
because I didn't trust her
and I could get by with twice


3 ibuprofen is only 750mg
so I know if I'm in bad bad pain
I can do that
I just feel like
not real often


everything but the back
will probably get better as I move around
I feel like huddling in bed
maybe sobbing a bit


or maybe
just immersively surfing the interwebs


I take it all back
if you get a chance
in a future life
to come back as a girl
do NOT do it
it is an experience
totally to be missed
maybe birthing and motherhood are great
but
you might not get to do that anyway
just
run away


I love you sweetheart
I hope your day
is much better than mine
and I hope mine is better than
I think it's gonna be

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

maybe this is interesting, maybe not

idk if you want to hear about this or not
I don't typically want to hear
random physical blah blah
but
specific physical blah blah
that's sometimes interesting


I had intestinal distress Tues
almost didn't go to work
but then my merchandizer started texting me
40 cases coming in
well, we've got a new receiving method
that was supposed to start Monday
but the app wasn't on the phone
so I didn't order
just in case, ya know
but now 40 cases auto ship
has got to be Christmas
and I couldn't call Enrique and say
hey
you're gonna be shorthanded
because I'm not coming in
oh, and btw, you have to receive
40 cases on the phone
if the app's there now
the instructions packet is on the desk
I mean, really
so I took a bunch of Pepto
and hoped for the best


yesterday I was off
my issues were no better
I took a bath
I went to bed early


today
no better
also dizzy
crampy
headache
and
what I think they must mean by brain fog
I'm talkin to myself
and I'm using wrong words
and I'm like
wait, no, wtf
and it's taking 30 seconds or more
to dredge the right word
from my brain
also
I'm having similar electrical waves
similar to when you are
sending me electrical waves
only
these feel like they are trying
to pull me out of my skin
like I'm being taken over by aliens
remotely
like I might lose control of
my body
my last period was 8/8
no sign of blood now yet, though
I remember that as being uneventful
last time I texted my rep to say
no order today I'm out sick 7/26
I think I remember that
it was a mildly flu-like bug
that lots of people got
so not this


I tell you what
when I come out the other side of this
I better have super powers
or somethin
this sucks
hard
and
why is all they tell you about
the hot flashes?!
still none of that, btw


hope your day is better than this
I love you sweetness

I feel bad
I'm going to bed
I hope no period's coming
I cannot handle that shit
goodnight sweetheart
I love you

I didn't tell you about kitty
I got the one blood test back
pretty quickly
and
it said his fat in his blood
was still through the roof
it did reduce
but
it's still like 6 times what it's supposed to be
but
that is not conclusive on it's own
the pancreas numbers
they took forever to get back
and they are ok
which seems to mean
that the cat has an inability
to process fats
which is rare in cats
rather than that his pancreas
has been destroyed
thereby making him unable to process fats
it maybe just gets over worked
and then he has an acute episode
but
the episodes are dangerous
because of swelling and acids
and whatnot
so
every time he has one
he will be more damaged
but
there's no specific way
to deal with the fats
and
no specific treatment
which is effective for pancreatitis
so
the vet is going to call and ask a specialist
for advice
we'll see how that goes
I may switch him to a fish version
of the food he's eating
to remove the possibility of
his sensitivity to chicken protein
I'd prefer a more unique protein
but the fish is the only one
with the same fat level: 2.5%
the other novel proteins are 6% or 8%
and the fancy feast was only 5%
the one he was getting
but
full of grains
as were the temptations treats
which he was getting
many of
he hasn't been eating fish
but
I can't swear he hasn't had it ever
like I could with novel proteins


so
I just don't know


I really wish I'd gotten the insurance, though
you have to too late now
😣


good morning sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed now
i love you very much

today
I'm going to focus
on
storytelling
and see if I can get
out of my little funk

I dreamed I work in a warehouse again
I really wish I knew what that was about
there was more
but
all I remember
Kim
who used to be a district manager of mine
at char-hucks
told me
the boxes were dirty
and needed to be washed
they're cardboard boxes, I say


after I woke up 6:30am
I've been trying to remember her last name
I had 9 or 10 different dms
in the time I was there
but
she started as a barista at the same time as me
but
with a different name
cause she got married
I went round and round
and decided
it didn't make me
"going senile"
if I couldn't remember
and I could after all remember
her first name
but
then I remembered it
Castillo


hope you have a good day today sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

kitty went to the vet
he doesn't like the vet
but
all the techs came through it ok
hopefully i'll get results on friday
then kitty came home
and i
went to the grocery store
and bought some stuff
including hurricane supply re-up-ment
i'm not expecting a hurricane
but
i was thinking about it
and better go ahead and get it
the Gatorade got pressed into service when i was sick
the tuna has gradually depleted recently
when i had a tuna sandwich streak
and some of the fruit cups and things
were expired

when i came home
kitty was greeting me at the door
and he has this thing where he lifts his paw up
and it's a sign language for something like
"please"
but this time he lifted one paw
and then the other
and it was weird
it was like john john saluting

i mean
obviously it wasn't
but it was, ya know

and
he super loves me
when we go to the vet
and then come home

the fostering left him a little scarred
he thought he had a home
and then he didn't, really

i think that's part of why it took him so long to trust me
but
when we go out
and come back
it reminds him that he loves me

he has lost a pound
he's fifteen pounds now
which was what i guessed
but
since he stands on me
and lays on me
it was a pretty educated guess

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to bed
just as soon as i finish this margarita

it worked out ok
I got Daniel
he came and let me in
on his way to drop off his daughter
it all went very smoothly after that
no big deal
except
I only got in a half cup of coffee
before my stomach got upset
and i had to stop
I really let that shit get to me

well
it is not going to plan already
no one is scheduled to come
unlock the door
until 9:30
Dennis was
but
some meeting blah blah
and he can't get in touch with
Daniel who is scheduled to open
I should have caught it
yesterday
but
sometimes I get distracted
with my life
and forget
I'm responsible for
everybody else's responsibilities too
fuck the fucking fuck

today
I'm doing signage
hopefully with my reps
from 8am-10am
which, if they both show up
will work
it takes 6hrs to resign the dept
Dennis only has me scheduled til noon
so
I'm kinda excited about that
but
I'm using that opportunity
to take the cat to the vet
for follow up blood work
so
hopefully
in a couple days
I'll know if this has worked
or
if he's still dying a slow death of organ failure
he seems fine
so
fingers crossed


I love you very much sweetheart
I hope you have
a beautiful day

goodnight sweetheart
I'm goin to bed now

i usually post something for 9/11

and i was thinking about it today
but
i didn't have any new concepts
nothing brilliant came to me

but
my thoughts were more
just what happened to me that day

don't get me wrong
i'm not saying it wouldn't have been
more high minded to thing about the people
who were injured or killed
or
the brave rescuers

i just didn't spend a lot of time on that
for whatever reason

the thing that kept coming back to me
was my district manager
what was her name
kim
calling the store
saying
send everyone home
everyone needs to be with their family right now
it was a company directive

yeah, ok, i said
but we're supposed to get a truck
i need to stay and receive that
can i just get a volunteer to stay with me for that

no, she said
you have to go too

but
that's going to cause a lot of problems for the delivery guy
and i don't have a family to go home to
why not just make things easy
i don't mind
i'll even stay alone if that's ok

no
you have to go
we are closing all stores
and sending everyone home to be with their families
this is not optional

ok, i said

and casey
this really weird guy who worked for me
and i
walked over to auntie pastos italian restaurant
http://www.auntiesbellaire.com/
about a block and a half away
and had italian food
i don't remember what we ate
but we talked and ate and had a good time, generally
he had a mother and a sister
but
i don't think he was living with either of them
and i don't think either of us wanted to go home


it was a cute little local bellaire restaurant
in the same center as the ones i go to with my mom sometimes
it's not really that good
and
it's a little expensive for what it is
but
ya know
it's got local color

it was just about the only
non-surreal moment of that day

I know it's new year
and
I should have a new year greeting
but I don't
I mean I can say that
but
I don't have it worked up
into something poetic
I just hope
everything was fun
and not all stress-y
you are great
and
you seem like you got it
but
I know
there's a lot more to it
but
you still got it
and I love you


eat an apple
dipped in honey, maybe
this is not a holiday I connect with
just especially
really
I don't have that many that I do
but
I love you sweetheart


I'm goin to bed now

happy labor day sweetness
I'm working 😅

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
well
now-ish
I still need to put on retinoid
and finish my margarita
not necessarily in that order
I love you

what is up?
I keep feeling you
you thinking bout me

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
and
i'm going to bed now

and i had pancakes

hey
i don't know what happened to today
i stayed up late last night
fell asleep in the chair
and then slept late today
i got up
i'm not sure what happened then

i know i had coffee
and i checked my email
oh
and i had an email from soko glam
i'm not sure if i'd been looking at skin care before that
but i think i had

i'm almost out of the subQ
because i just had what was left over from before
the last time i freaked out, probably
it was a while ago
i had used up the subQ eyes
but i still had the face
i think i like the face better
and i had ordered the secret key starting treatment eye
because

well
i like secret key
they're cheap, but they're good
but
the way i decided on that one
instead of ordering packets of the one i've used before
which i do like--  history of whoo
was a long process of hunting

i had bought a moisturizer back before i even met you
it was 2002 and i was having no
absolutely no problems with wrinkles
but
i would periodically go and buy
i had more money then
really expensive skin care
i bought a jar of la mer
i bought some natura bisse
it was a weird self-nuture thing where i had to go to neiman's

anyway
i was remembering this moisturizer that i bought
and i took it with me to keystone colorado for a leadership conference
and i was trying to remember what it was called
it was pretty new at that point
it was the oil free version
and
it's claim to fame was it had EGF in it
now
it is dry dry dry in colorado
and my skin was just sucking this $200 light moisturizer up
yeah it was super expensive
but
after a couple days of that
my skin was like glass smooth
so
now that i'm all wrinkly
i was thinking about that stuff
and
of course i can't afford a $200 moisturizer
but
it's not new technology anymore
so i looked up EGF on neiman's website and got the name ReVive, it's called
and it's oligopeptide-1
so then i knew secret key had some EGF lines
i started lookin around
i found that one
and the packaging looks just like the SK-II eye cream
that i bought on line
from an asian site on a big sale
for my birthday
like five years ago or something
it was too expensive
but i did like it
but
i ended up not really using it
and i have nostalgia about it because i had to throw it out
anyway
i like this one better, except the smell
it smells like soap
anyway

all this is fun for me
not the wrinkles
but the research and the experimentation
and the memory lane
whatever, it might be boring, but i love it

so, anyway
i was on the niod website
trying to decide if i should buy more subQ
or if i could make it last a bit longer
if there was anything else i could add to get free shipping
because that serum is $22 and you need $30 to get free shipping
but the shipping is $6.49 so you might as well buy something else
but the other things i want are the Fractionated Eye Contour $68
or the Voicemail Mask $45 or the Superoxide Dismutase Saccharide Mist $50
i've already got a backup of The Ordinary granactive retinoid 2% emulsion $9.80
which i really love
and
that is what i'm shooting for in skin care
really affordable stuff i can slather on
not stuff i can't afford that then i'm afraid to use up
ya know what i mean

so
also
i was looking for cheap DMAE
i stopped using that a long time ago
although i thought it worked great
i had something i bought at whole foods with that in
but i read an article about how it caused "cell death" in lab conditions
now
i'm not even sure exactly what they mean by that, actually
but i had a picture in my head of my face falling off
and i decided that i didn't need to use it anymore
but
i just found out
that the whole dr. perricone line is based on DMAE
so i looked it up
and the available information is
shit yeah it's super firming
and
it's just that one study more than 15 years ago that had a problem with it
lavender oil causes "cell death" too
and
that's like the hydrogen peroxide situation
my whole body would be dead tissue
if lavender oil was bad

so i started searching
but i couldn't find anything that i'm completely happy about
i found this one last night https://www.amazon.com/Andalou-Naturals-Hyaluronic-Wrinkles-Soften/dp/B0091OCBJ4/ref=sr_1_10_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1535596442&sr=8-10&keywords=dmae%2Bserum&th=1
and i found this one https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Wrinkle-Anti-Aging-Kate-Ryan-Skincare/dp/B00BRMN23C/ref=sr_1_14_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1535596512&sr=8-14&keywords=dmae+serum
and this one https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B018VBKVPS/ref=s9_dcacsd_dcoop_bw_c_x_4_w?th=1
today

but
i'm not really enthusiastic about any of that

and then
i got the email from soko glam
which is a curated korean skin care website
i ordered missha time revolution first treatment moist edition
on a black friday special
i'm not crazy about it
so i'm using it up slowly by mixing it into dry masks, seriously

i mostly ignore their emails
but
this email had time stop collagen ampule
which caught my attention
and when i read about it
i was entranced
because

mushrooms

i have been looking for a mushroom serum
for years and years and years
origins has one, but i don't like it-- and it's pricey for what it is
the saem had a chaga one that i jumped through all kinda hoops to get
but then just didn't really like
i swear there used to be a reishi one from yves rocher
but when i went back to get it it was gone
so here is a serum
that stops time
and builds collagen
and it's 76.52% mushroom
and
there's more?!
yes, yes there is
the bottle appears to have a rose gold thing goin on
my gran gran had a ring that was rose gold
that i saw when i was a kid
and i have loved it ever since
like way way before it was popular

https://sokoglam.com/products/the-plant-base-time-stop-collagen-ampoule

it's got good reviews too

so then
idk why
but i had to look at everything else they had on the website
probably because i know they have a shipping minimum
but
i ended up just getting that
and paying $6.49 for shipping
so painful the shipping

and
if i had realized it was less than an ounce
i probably wouldn't have
but
i just caught that

and that is how i spent my day

fell asleep in the chair again
going to be now

i love you sweetheart

it's been kind of a slow day
and I should be trying to write
but
what I keep coming back to
again and again
as my mind wanders
is
what a good looking man you are
so much more attractive
even as time passes
I'm frantically
ditching the natural skin care
I've been embracing
for science
because I'm getting too wrinkly
too much for me to stand
but
you
you are like
beautifully weathered
and strong
and
I can't with you
you're just beautiful/strong

I ordered that book
I think
I'm going to enjoy the book
more that the movie
and too
it's epistolary
and how often does that happen
plus
I'm trying to figure out
how I'm writing mine
and
I've been pretty sure
I want the narrator yo be addressing
the reader
but
I've been toying with
epistolary or partial epistolary
so this will be
educational as well


hope you're having a good day
I love you

ok
very strange dream
I dreamed I was traveling with Randy
now Randy is a guy I used to work with
he's about 24
and a Republican and a sexist
it's unusual that the young ones are sexist
he's also Latino, and his father owns a liquor store
(in addition, I always got the impression)
to lots of other stuff
he always felt like he grew up
sort of rich
but
even though he's got a lot of negatives
I kinda liked him, kinda
but
not like road trip liked him
so
confusing
also
the car was full
more like
throw all your possessions in a car
zombie apocalypse style road trip
but
there was no mention of that
but
what i do remember clearly


we had to cross this road
without the car
not sure how that worked
I had this floaty thing
and
had to cross at this cloud cover
other wise I would fall to my death
and i could feel
my stomach drop
it was the weirdest thing ever
that crossing seemed like
the important part

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
if you can meet me in dreamland
I'll be waiting
I love you very much

slept all day
and my head still hurts
but
I had amazingly dense dreams
about
I think
making a film about
the physical embodiment process
how you don't experience things
the way you did
before
and
you always long for
the full experience
but
you should focus
on the sensations of embodiment
it was a little strange
and
I was working
in a very strange place too
it was sort of outside
but
there were these glass box offices
and the management
they didn't like me much

oh, and also, good morning

but
seriously though
even though I know trump is
ya know
so many many adjective
I was a little shocked
at the whole
I mean
wrapping my brain around
the person who's supposed to be the president
saying
turning states evidence
that
that should probably
ya know, be illegal


um, dude
you're the head of STATE
you're supposed to
be like of the mind
that, ya know
the state
needs to know stuff
not
like
yeah, I been knowing guys
I been seeing it my whole life
(because you hang out
with, like, criminals?)
these people
they do this thing
it's called flipping
and
it should be illegal


I mean
just
WOW

good morning sweetheart
hope you have a great day

not gonna stay up late
going to bed now
well
after I feed the cat


goodnight sweetheart
I love you

well
i stayed up late
but
i'm going to sleep now

i love you sweetheart

I love you
hope all is well with you
trying to work my way back
to writing
I want to write you something

I had bad dreams was working in a food warehouse
I was getting orientation
because I was going to be managing
a warehouse where I worked
but
then
I came to in a coffee shop
and I seemed to have lost
five hours
and
I figured
I was fired
and
I wasn't sad
because I didn't want to do it
bit I was afraid
because I needed income

this is a little bit of a rant and a little bit of a related self-criticism

ok
so
i really want to write something
but i don't think i can write anything like literary
which would be my preference, but
i saw this last night or today
and it made me mad
and then
it made me
think
of
how this thing
that made me mad
might relate to me, or my past
behavior, because that is the general pattern
so, without further rambling about shit that doesn't
make any sense yet, let me insert two videos from youtube:

now

let me start by saying

she did film a video saying she was wrong

apologizing for marginalizing and already marginalized group

which i guess makes everything ok, maybe

but

somehow it doesn't, for me

i've watched some of her videos before

and read some of her articles

and, i mean, i gotta say

it's not like i identify with her much

we're pretty different

have pretty different life experiences

pretty different perspectives on things

however

i have enjoyed the content i have experienced

because

it seemed to come from personal experience and opinion

it seemed authentic

that's important to me

i appreciate that

this however, baffles me

this seems like she is bashing something

that she hasn't even read a book about

and she admits

in the "i was wrong" video

that she didn't know what she was talking about

so

i guess

i'm a little disillusioned

why did she make a video specifically bashing

a group of people

about whom she know absolutely nothing?

now

i have no investment in the topic

i'm not exactly in an open relationship

i'm specifically not polyamorous

the category to which i most closely match

would have to be, like, asexual

although that's not really right either

none of that is really important

i will cop to having a soft spot for the polyamorous, generally

because

well

i've enjoyed the writing of a fair few

and they seem to believe in informed consent

and, ya know, heinlein

i believe people should be free to form whatever alliances they agree to

and besides,freak flag

so

i'm not disposed to be anti consensual non-monogamy

although i have serious doubts that i could handle it personally

maybe i could

maybe i wouldn't want to

but

i have respect for people doing their own things

for example

she circumcised her two boys

a decision that i'm not sure i could have made

but

i would never make a video bashing her

for genitally mutilating her children

because

it's a complicated issue

and she is religiously observant

and

mainly

not my business, ya know

i found some of what she said

although i am not the group she is bashing

personally offensive

lean into your biology?

i am supposed to base my life and relationships

on what's "natural" for primates?

really?!

i get the whole scientific argument about biology

and

when you're talking sociologically

sometimes these arguments are sensical

broad groups of humans

big brush strokes of human needs and wants

but

when you are speaking individually

like, hey you, yeah i'm looking at you

don't you realize you only have one egg a month

you need to be careful

fuck you

on so many levels

you can tell yourself not to be a slut

but when you start telling other people not to be a slut

you just really out yourself as

kinda just another religo

now

again

no sex for ten years

because i'm all in love, and shit

single digit body count, lifetime

but

i'm personally offended

and

her "apology" which doesn't really seem sincere to me

doesn't matter

and seems hollow

without mention of why she felt so threatened personally

that she made a video about something

without even getting the terminology right

i think there is something under it

that could be a legitimate personal perspective

and

without that

she seems discredited to me

she seems phoney

and i don't want to watch her videos anymore

now

when i was younger

i had private conversations with people

in which i said things

that might have sounded anti-trans

i have always been fascinated by trans-people

and

i didn't get it

i mean, i did, and i didn't

i was coming from more of a non-binary perspective

and the idea that you could be assigned male/female at birth

but "feel" like a female/male

just seemed like bullshit to me

because

how do you "feel like a woman"

what does that mean

it challenged me

i didn't "feel" like a woman

i felt like me

and maybe that was gendered

but

it didn't really seem that way to me

all the gender seemed like a social construct

it seemed like

transitioning externally to the internal gender

seemed like a part of the problem

when

what we should really be doing was broadening the definition

or ungendering generally

in other words

i was threatened by it

these people were physically altering themselves

mutilating perfectly functional sex organs

to look right

now

i never ever once

told a trans-person that they were wrong

or shouldn't transition

and

i never even asked

'what do you mean?  you feel like a woman?!

because

that is rude

and wrong to do on so many levels

and

i respect a person's right to self-determination

but

i did feel

like an outsider again

I hate hungry pills


I went to bed at 2 I think
the cat woke me up at 4:45 for breakfast
I went back to sleep, briefly
but
I'm not real happy
he uses really effective techniques
he does a really raucous bladder stomp
he jumps on the shelf
where I keep my cell phone
and rustles around
threatening to knock it down
this is 100% effective
because
although it's unlikely to break
dropping onto the carpet
from a height of three feet
the chord is already
slightly bent
and barely makes a good connection
this already is my backup chord
and
it's windows phone
there probably isn't an easy replacement
so
I'm motivated
and
if I hear him on the shelf
right by my head
I wake up
hyper alert
I sleep really deeply
but
I'm listening in my sleep
when I first lived alone
I heard the mail man
walking across the yard
it would wake me up
so
I definitely hear the little terrorist


I hope you are happy and healthy
and enjoying yourself
wherever you are
I love you sweetheart

ok
i went to the ironwing tarot
did a relationship spread
which was genius
because it can either be read
as
we are both on the same page
or
not
depending on how you interpret
things

my lovers pairs your marriage
my shaman of air pairs your world dancer

wait
shaman of air is king of swords
you're usually king of swords if there is a king of swords
from back at the renaissance festival readings

but
then if you're king of swords
then i'm the emperor

which would make you the lovers
and me marriage

so
then that's more entwined than i thought
that's gotta be lookin good for me then

anyway
the point of connection is this:





Seven of Spikes

A stag beetle and a pair of tiny flaming iron antlers crown a shaman's ornamental hair comb.  The antlers are shaped like those of the extinct Pleistocene Giant Elk Megaloceros.  Below are two Carbon Antlers or Candlesnuff Fungi (Xylaria hypoxylon) that grow on rotten or burnt wood and look like charred black antlers covered in white ashes.  The most experienced and powerful Siberian shamans once wore iron antlers on their caps as symbols of their ability to travel to the Otherworld, perhaps riding on the back of a deer spirit.  This iron comb, warmed with her spiritfire, protects the top of the shaman's head, where her soul can enter and leave her body.  It also protects her hair, since touching the hair can imply control over a person's soul.  It draws power like an antenna, bringing awareness of the life force in the smallest, highest tree branch and grounding it in the shaman's body.  She wins this ability through a journey that challenges her confidence as she travels, and stretches her imagination as she relates her story to others.  She who accepts the internal challenge of initiation enters a secret place to confront and claim power.


quoted from Online Free Reading from the Ironwing Tarot by Lorena Babcock Moore.
www.mineralarts.com


in a regular tarot it's seven of wands

I have had this card come up
three or four times
recently
when I'm wanting to know
what you're thinking
and I'm stumped for
how to interpret
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=845693&Date=8%2F20%2F2018&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=minchiate&Reading=single

i hope you are ok

i love you very much sweetheart

kitty's better

ok
it was a bit of a process
but
the kitty has officially eaten
off a plate
by himself
without much coaxing

YAY!!!!!

the hungry pills, however
make him very grouchy
so
i hope they will not be necessary in the future

the process
feed him with one of those feeding syringes
until he recognizes that that is food
and that worked
to the point where he was not objecting any more
he was opening his mouth and saying
this is a fun way to eat
but
he still wouldn't eat it off the plate
for whatever reason
so then
today
when i'm home all day
give him a hungry pill
in the hopes that he will just
ya know
fucking eat his food
and
i can't believe it
but
it fucking worked

but
he's really really hungry
and super grumpy
so he's not been a joy
and
he's had a little more than a can of food today
but
he has just walked up and bit me
several times
although
not like really hard
but

he's better
and
he's dropped a little weight
but
he's not even as thin as he probably should be
so
i say win-win
because
i don't think it's a forgone conclusion
that this is his final food change
or final acute episode
so
he doesn't need to be thin yet
or
who am i kidding
ever

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

ok
i'm goin to bed
i hope you're ok
i'm now kinda worried that i've alienated you
did you know that cats need to eat
or their organs start to shut down
like really fast
anyway
the force feeding is going well
he still won't eat the new food on his own
but
he's warming up to it
or else he's decided that he's just outsourcing eating
but
an ounce or two a day
is not enough
the idea is to feed him enough that his organs don't shut down
but not enough to fill him up
so he will hopefully eventually eat
but
it takes him three days of not eating sometimes
when it's a new case of the only food he'll eat
i don't understand how there can be enough difference
between batches for him to tell the difference
but
fancy feast chicken and liver is all he ever wants
buzz wanted variety
but this cat is ocd
he wants everything the same all the time
which is not the best with me
but he loves me
but
god damn
this little fucker had better start eating on his own soon
but he super loves me now
usually he sleeps on me until i fall asleep
and then he goes to the foot of the bed
but last night i got up to pee
[maybe it was the night before, not sure]
at 5am
when i had gone to bed at 2am
and he was still sleeping on me

i really do not want him to waste away like harvey did
but he is sixteen fucking pounds
so
there's some wiggle room
he was seven pounds when i got him
but he's had that tom cat widening of the bones
and he's muscular
but
he's a little fat too
he could easily lose four pounds
and he might be ok to go down to ten
but
i mean
not rapidly

i want the kitty to get well

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

just that little bit made me happier
but I wish I wasn't at stupid work

also
I don't understand
all the fourth fifth stuff
in a concrete way
the relations between the bits
I don't know it at all
but
I could sing the Rudolph thing
without the meter
I'm not sure I could do it with the meter
I think
I can just hear things
but
I don't really understand them
also
when they were talking about
the piano not really being tuned "right"
that made me happy
because
my whole life
there have been moments like that
and I'm like
that note seems wrong
weird?

good
morning
I just watched a video
called "introduction to music theory"
and
I guess I must know some
because that was a complete waste of time
he got to written music looks like this
kinda like a graph


now
I can't sight read music
like
I can't pick up a piece of music
that I've never heard
and sing it
but
I can, a little bit, sight read
I know generally
how I'm expecting the music to go
and
I learned the whole
egbdf
face
thing in piano
and choir


this is not what I mean by music theory


I have heard the different
musical scales like harmonic etc
and I sort of understand
intrinsically
the sounds
that go with them
but
I don't know how to play them on an instrument
I don't know how to manipulate the notes
to create a piece of music
I understand, I think
the concept
of the fourths and fifths
and
when he's talking about
the relation of the chords
I get what he's talking about
I can hear how they relate
but
I can't play those chords
I couldn't find them
I can see myself
in my minds eye
layering sound
to create a piece of music
the way you layer flavors in cooking
but
I don't even  know
what are standard chords
that people put together
to write a blues song
or a pop song
etc
that
that I could research
I bet I could learn that
but
that isn't what I'm craving
I want to do what he was doing
but
I lack basic skills

good night sweetheart
I love you

i don't know music theory

i've never learned it

but
i feel a longing for it
i can't do maths
so
i was led to believe it's all maths
so i never studied it
never tried
but

i think i could do it
i think
i'm just not sure how to start

and i don't know why i have this longing

is that weird?

I dreamed that I had become king
everyone in my gang
or clan
or whatever
thought I was weak
they were coming to take it from me
but
I had a rubber hose
and I used it like a whip
and
I did a lot of damage
I cut up the champion
who was a friend of mine
came close to putting his eye out
although that was an accident
I missed my mark
was aiming for the forehead
he couldn't touch me
because he couldn't get close enough


after I hit his eyelid, however
he didn't want to fight anymore
this was supposed to be quick and easy


you want to stop fighting
nothing could be easier
pledge fealty


and
I am now king

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I'm going to bed now
I hope you meet me in dreamland

also
I just got an email from ritualwell
and it reminded me
I had another dream


I saw you
but
I don't know if you knew I saw you
and I wanted to talk to you
but some girl was with me
and I couldn't get away from her
and by the time I did
you were gone
and
I was on some tour
and I started talking to some guy
about Judaism
and
since he didn't know anything about it
I felt like it was ok
I'm not like an expert
but
ya know
I've studied it a little
and I was talking about
mystical Judaism
and
how weird it was to me
that Hassidim were both mystical
but really restrictive
and kinda sexist (imo)
when I think of mysticism as free
and open and egalitarian
only
I couldn't think of the word
Hassidim
I was all like
the people in Brooklyn
with the hats
it was weird
and
I don't know what it means


and weird
to be reminded of a dream
by an email from ritualwell


I love you sweetheart
I hope you have a great day

I dreamed a story idea
the affordable education act
has made downloading your consciousness into another body common
we follow two students
one is downloaded into
a body of a girl in a fairly small college town
she has a hard time adjusting
to the fact that her landlord
is the father of the body
and he really doesn't trust this process
he wants to make sure
his daughter's body stays safe


the other
is his daughter
who has transferred into
a boy's body
in a big city
and she kinda goes wild

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

stuff i spend a day playing with (book title ideas)

this started the process:

a fist full of dollars, a hand full of rain

i was thinking about the line in the song where louise holds out a hand full of rain
and since i had done the ending beginning
that's got me thinking again
and i'm all with the names and titles and such
and this is maybe the clickbait equivalent of a book title
i would pick it up

plus
ya know
there's a level on which it totally works
except
fist full of dollars is all
anti hero and violent and not happy
so then
i had to spend the rest of the day
thinking up
like
counter arguments to that one--  which i really like


so, like my old working titles had been
the adventures of jack and lucky & the sound of rain

those are both fine
but
i think the jack and lucky is either a story within a story
or like a whole nother thing that what i'm writing
and the sound of rain
was a meta concept thing that isn't what i'm writing now
besides
it's kinda dull as a title



then i've got a whole slew of ones derived from the song lyrics


holding out a handful of rain, daring you to defy it

holding out a handful of rain

hand full of rain

to catch the rain in the palm of ones hand

clutching the rain

catch the rain


of which, i think i like  hand full of rain the best


then i just started kinda free associating


rain in the hand is worth...bird....

four and twenty blackbirds/hand full of rain

i think there were more
but
i left the paper in my apron pocket
those were the ones i liked best

what i liked about them
was the non-sequitur-ness and the punctuation
i love the idea of a slash in a title
i love the idea of incorporating a nursery rhyme
or an idiom
plus
that particular one reminds me of one of my favorite "jokes"


that requires an aside

i don't like "jokes" like "telling a joke"  like a set thing
like "a priest, a rabbi, and a somethin else walk into a bar"
i don't like that kind of stuff very much
i like more conversational/monolog-y humor
observational and whatnot

this is the kind of stuff that ashleigh was usually trying to tell me
that i wasn't laughing at
i'm just not into it

i do however have one that i love
so
if i ever like have to tell a "joke"
this is the one i would tell
very deadpan
and no one ever laughs
which i like


how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb...
...fish

i love it love it love it
but, ya know, i don't laugh either


and
to me
there is something about that joke
contained within  rain in the hand is worth...bird

the "/" is like
suddenly a mashup of
sing a song of six pence, a pocket full of rye
there's nothing, really nothing to turn off
four and twenty black birds baked in a pie
the ghost of 'lectricity howls in the bones of her face
and when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing
while my conscience explodes
now wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king

which appeals to me
but
might not make any sense to anyone else


and
i know
i should write it first
then pick a title
but
in the way that the ending comes first
the title influences what the book becomes
like when you name a kid
they live up to their name, ya know

and
i mean
actually
there is still the option to change the title
if it seems warranted later
so
in that sense
maybe it's a working title
but
maybe i'm just weird like that

read this first (before book titles)

i'm a little out of it today
and i feel like i haven't been that fun for you lately
sometimes i worry about that
and sometimes
i worry about it
what i mean is
sometimes i worry about it
and it stresses me out, like i just can't
and it makes me feel overwhelmed, a little
too much on my plate
and i guess it brings up some past baggage
because i start saying things to myself like
dancing monkey

sometimes
like right now
i think that i want to do something for you
i want to make you happy
and i'm not sure how to accomplish that

sometimes
i just do stuff
and i feel like it's pretty good

i feel like that's all normal
and that you can relate to it
or else
i would probably try to protect you from these feelings

i feel like
you don't always respond well
to my negative feelings
which makes sense

but
you have to
well, you don't have to understand
but it would be helpful if you did
i do not feel like i grew up in an unconditional love situation
maybe i did
but
it felt pretty conditional
except maybe gran gran
but
then she wouldn't fight to keep me
which wasn't her responsibility
but
it makes her unconditional thing less safe, ya know

anyway, shit, i didn't mean to go all up in there

what i'm trying to say
is
i worry
sometimes
on some level
that you might stop loving me
if i don't

this is gonna sound bad

trigger warning

keep you entertained


now
mostly not
mostly, i think, if you were gonna stop
then you woulda already
but
like now
you might have more room for me
and
i'd like to fill that space
be the perfect muse
but
my life isn't so good for that right now
and you don't really want to hear about the cat
having pancreatitis
and the bullshit at work

i'm living it and i don't even want to hear it

and i just had happy happy blood time
which was ok, thankfully
and i'm a little depressed
or maybe a lot depressed, i'm not sure
i'm having intrusive thoughts
about the time leading up to harvey's death
and
i feel poorly equipped for human interaction of any kind


the funnest thing i've done
in recent memory
was make a list of book titles one day
when i was working register
maybe i should share that with you

this is kinda long, but it intrigues me

I hope you had a good day
I almost enjoyed resetting my dept
Karl helped me
and he was really helpful


I love you very much sweetheart
and I feel like
I want to ask you questions
but I can't
also
I want to tell you some stuff
but I can't
so
I will just say
I wish I was there
and
that I'm going to sleep
so
if you want to play the sleeping game
I would very much enjoy that
goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i'm working from 6pm to 2am sunday-monday
because the whole dept has to be flipped
from horizontal orientation
to vertical orientation

i can't seem to stay awake though

so i'm going to bed now
and
i'm going to sleep as long as i can


i love you very much

well, I don't know if we were still playing the sleeping game or not
but
it seems to me like we were
I had very involved dreams
really none of which I remember
because
what I remember was
everyone was talking about Kate Micucci
so that was either you
or something weird is up
because I dont know her well enough to get her name right
I kept dreaming it as marcucci

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
have a good day

wow

that dream was amazing
there was this whole
like Viking culture, or something
one man was linked to a shrine
as ritual sacrifice and gambler
another man was honored
and then
this whole complicated
texture story
having to do with clothing
telling the early history story
through the texture of the cloth


so
idk
I'm guessing it's an article of clothing
and
if I had to guess
I am going to guess it's a hoodie
because of the whole story contained part


even if I'm wrong
it was a very cool dream
unlike anything I've ever dreamed

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed now
after sleeping in the chair a while

if you want to
try to send me something in my dream
and i will tell you what i dream
hand me, in the dream, an object
like really visualize it, though
think about the way it looks and feels

i will tell you what i dream

if you don't want to
that's ok too

i hope you had fun today
and i'm sorry i can't be there with you

i love you very much

i hope you're having an
exciting
and
creative
day
or
that you're resting
have fun tonight
i love you very much

I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
try to meet me in dreamland
but
if you have been thinking
coffee and chocolate at me
then you need to add more to the thought
because I'm turning them into work dreams


I'm specifically waking up
thinking
oh coffee and chocolate
that is probably him


but
I'm waking up
from some coffee shop
version of my current district manager
being a complete asshole
and
that sucks
so add more
so it could be
a funner dream
cool


I love you sweetheart

i don't remember what it looked like
but I do remember the concept
this severed ear in a pool of blood
and
I'm gonna go ahead and
say
I wasn't able to
make it look like my vision
it was mostly pen and ink
line work
which is not my strong suit


it should have been
a very textured oil painted ear in a pool
of very textured oil painted blood
that was maybe
computer morphed
into different landscapes
that were photos
maybe
the band sitting in night cafe chairs
with the ear in the near focus ground
like in the street
for example




i don't think most of my graphics
stuff was all that good
from an execution standpoint
I'm not really a good graphic artist
but
i had some kick ass concepts
probably
I'm more of a conceptual artist
really


i had that problem in architecture too
Ms Schwartz wanted to give me a A
from my pitch and concept design
but
my model was so badly constructed
[i just could not do it]
i think i ended up with a B
maybe even a B-


hope you are doing well
my breasts don't hurt anymore
so we're on better terms today


i love you sweetheart

I fell asleep in the chair
I have to go to bed
but
I remembered
and want to tell you
in high school
in graphics
I dont remember which year
we had to design
and actually like physically make
an album
I mean
not record it
just the art
but
my band was a kinda
punky new wave thing
called
the van Gogh project
and
I did write all the song lyrics
and liner notes
🎶😊 🎶


I love you

hey
have fun today
I love you

crap
I fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart

I hope I didn't freak you out
and
I didn't mean
to expose pit hair
I know that's taboo
and I'll erase it
I didn't realize it was visible in the picture

goodnight sweetheart
I fell asleep in the chair again
I just thought that video was cute
visit me
in dreamland
if you can

this is what i wrote this morning. i'm not editing it, just typing as is.

i'm one of those people.

i flip to the end of a book--  read the ending first.  i know.  but seriously, it doesn't interfere it gives me information i need.  over the 15 years i've been trying to write our story the ending came to me in a flash about 5 years in--  it's exactly the kind of ending i like in a book, it doesn't make any sense unless you've read the book but it gives tone and style.  so here's the book ending.





she stood on the platform smoking and looking out over the snow.  in the middle distance three ravens played and called to her, or themselves, or no one in particular.  she watched them.  she breathed in the frozen air.

i love you too ernest.





well, the actual words have changed a bunch of times, and that changes it for sure, but the image--  that's like set in stone--  that's the end of the book, for sure.  the beginning seems like it'd be easy, but, ya know, not so much really.  and the middle--  containing the structure and like what the story is actually about--  well, that's impossible.







[my commentary tonight]
i don't love this whole cloth, but i really really like the idea of starting with the ending and that that doesn't give anything away.  i also like the way i wrote the ending.  it's less descriptive than any other version i've ever written, but it seems to encapsulate more elements in a casual off-hand way than any other version i've ever written.  the bit after the ending, i'm not fond of, and i think maybe i had gotten interrupted.

also, at this point, that being the ending begs a lot of questions.  am i only doing the first 5 years?  am i being in any way chronological?  or am i jumping around in a stream of consciousness way?  which is what i have been leaning toward for a while.  but does it need a framework?  yes, yes it does.

good morning sweetheart
I was on register this morning
and I started writing something
maybe I will write it down for you later
hope all is well
love you

good morning sweetheart