read this first (before book titles)

i'm a little out of it today
and i feel like i haven't been that fun for you lately
sometimes i worry about that
and sometimes
i worry about it
what i mean is
sometimes i worry about it
and it stresses me out, like i just can't
and it makes me feel overwhelmed, a little
too much on my plate
and i guess it brings up some past baggage
because i start saying things to myself like
dancing monkey

sometimes
like right now
i think that i want to do something for you
i want to make you happy
and i'm not sure how to accomplish that

sometimes
i just do stuff
and i feel like it's pretty good

i feel like that's all normal
and that you can relate to it
or else
i would probably try to protect you from these feelings

i feel like
you don't always respond well
to my negative feelings
which makes sense

but
you have to
well, you don't have to understand
but it would be helpful if you did
i do not feel like i grew up in an unconditional love situation
maybe i did
but
it felt pretty conditional
except maybe gran gran
but
then she wouldn't fight to keep me
which wasn't her responsibility
but
it makes her unconditional thing less safe, ya know

anyway, shit, i didn't mean to go all up in there

what i'm trying to say
is
i worry
sometimes
on some level
that you might stop loving me
if i don't

this is gonna sound bad

trigger warning

keep you entertained


now
mostly not
mostly, i think, if you were gonna stop
then you woulda already
but
like now
you might have more room for me
and
i'd like to fill that space
be the perfect muse
but
my life isn't so good for that right now
and you don't really want to hear about the cat
having pancreatitis
and the bullshit at work

i'm living it and i don't even want to hear it

and i just had happy happy blood time
which was ok, thankfully
and i'm a little depressed
or maybe a lot depressed, i'm not sure
i'm having intrusive thoughts
about the time leading up to harvey's death
and
i feel poorly equipped for human interaction of any kind


the funnest thing i've done
in recent memory
was make a list of book titles one day
when i was working register
maybe i should share that with you