i hope you don't get bored with the tarot, because i seem to be kinda into it

this is the answer to:

is he happy today

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=862627&Date=5%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=lovecraft&Reading=single

what do i most need to know right now

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=887770&Date=5%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=international_icon&Reading=

what is the theme of the next six months

http://www.facade.com/tarot/description/?Deck=haindl&Card=64

what am i going to figure out in my life (just me) now

http://www.facade.com/tarot/description/?Deck=cat_people&Card=3

what is the next big thing for me

http://www.mineralarts.com/cgi/TarotThree.pl

this one doesn't store
i just looked at it
and
i think it's different now

so
maybe
the next big thing for me
is constantly changing
or i can't know
or
whatever

it's a cool deck though

this is the answer to: will we ever have children together

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=52866&Date=5%2F16%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=

this is the answer to: what is the current state of our relationship

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=573665&Date=5%2F15%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=fourfold

i'm going to bed now

i'm going to sleep six hours

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=472732&Date=5%2F14%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

my dad

i've thought about this
several times this week

when i was little
my dad did this thing
[mostly when he'd been drinking, i think]
it scared me

he would start
by hugging me to him

are you okay, he'd ask

yeah, i'm ok

he'd start to let go

are you sure you're okay

he'd grab me a little tighter
are you sure you're okay

yes yes, i'm fine
are you sure


until
i wasn't ok
i was actually kind of desperate
to get away from him
he was actually kind of hurting me
and definitely scaring me

i remember this
like it happened all the time
but
i think it may only have happened a few times
or
at least
only until i was about six

i don't know why i'm telling you this

my dreams

i can't remember all of them
and
some pieces of what i can remember
are
missing
or confused
but
one is a nice image
and
the other is more of a story

the image

i am on a boat
like the tour boat in chicago
on a river
and the water
is full
of swimming polar bears

the story
i'll have to work on a little bit
but
it's about clearing out hexes
and
burying the keys
that open the badness
and
some people
having a transaction
in a sacred grove
and me
trying to tell them:
any transaction you make here
will not just be about the money
you shouldn't do this twenty-five dollar thing here
you might be selling your soul as well

that was the part that seemed most pressing

snail mating dance

i'm going to bed now

i'm sleeping seven hours tonight

if you know the place i'm thinking of

think about it

in our dreams tonight

it's

something

something i want to write to you

what would he most like me to know right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=718297&Date=5%2F13%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

grit, 4 tru

this is just to see
that is to say
to see
can i say

whatever, poetry ya know
like, the moon, is a curled up fuzzy
watch for claws, but, no, she's a sweet little
pilgrim

and, the wine is pouring, like the welch's
dropped
at the baby giant when i was six years old
sweet and sticky, in all the hidden corners

the ways i don't believe humming in my ears, mosquito jazz

not easy
not hard
immovable object, waiting

to be scaled

seven miles an hour

circle within circle and homeless embrace

when i went to sleep
it was raining
and the frogs were singing

i went on a journey
i arrived
in alaska
it wasn't very cold
and
the building in front of which  i was standing
looked like a one story version of the alley theater

so
i don't know
i think, i'm pretty sure
alaska's cold

i had this vision quest type ritual
all planned

there was a circle
inside a circle
rough terrain

a huge bird
[or maybe dragon]
would carry me from the outer edge
of the outer circle
to the center of the inner circle

i had this homeless woman with me
she was my homeless woman, i guess
she was kinda dirty and her hair was matted
but she started rubbing her head against my side
like a child imitating a dog

not leave me

no no, now, be good
i'm just going for a day or two
we'll get you all set up
you'll be fine

not leave me
i be good

and
i took her into the building
and
i lost time


i woke up on a bus full of women, singing
the way you sing as a child
on a bus
on a field trip

how did i get here

and
i really had to pee
i can't imagine that i got on a bus
for a long car trip
without peeing first

my homeless woman had jacked me

i was on some sort of women's retreat
song writing workshop

and they were all
like morning people or something

but
what about my circle within a circle
my giant bird

ok the coffee is brewing, i have to get in the shower, and it's raining [so i will have to leave early]

but
i had
a very interesting dream
that i really want to tell you about

i have to go to bed

if you can join me
in my dreams

i'd like that

i'll be sleeping about 5 hours

i love you




i decided
i needed a reading


this is the answer to:  what does he want from me in life


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=316977&Date=5%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

yes

gold



i've been thinking today
about
several things

my premonition of doom
which i just looked up
november 4
seems
to have been pretty accurate
because of my dad's death
and such
and the months
of depression
which followed

and
i didn't say
but i had been put on final written warning
[no verbal or prior written]
on a really unfair technicality
fairly soon before
and then
the guy who had to write me up
kinda wanted me to talk him down from it
because it was so upsetting to have to write me up

so it might have just been that

and that's all worked out fine now


and
your body language
it tells me stuff
but
maybe
maybe it's my imagination
or maybe it is a bad sign
if i look at the situations where it says: beaten, pwned, subservient

just sayin
worries me


also
i was thinking
i'm pretty sure i've gained some weight
during this time that i haven't been able to
make myself quite believe there was really any point in caring

my clothes still fit
but i feel fatter to me

but even through all that
i never smoked one cigarette, not one

and
today for lunch
rather than getting waffle fries and a side salad
i brought
2 grapefruits
2 mangoes [very small]
a peach [also small]
and an avocado

for breakfast and lunch

and i had a large salad with shrimp
for dinner
[which is what i have at least half the time]


and
some other stuff

off and on all day

i love you

woke up late

big storm coming
pressure headache

can't remember my dreams

but
i didn't want to wake up
so
they must have been
good

hello

today's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=903110&Date=5%2F9%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=curious&Reading=

this evening i went shopping

and i saw myself in a mirror
which was sitting up a little

i was trying to see
if the leave-in conditioner spray
had had any inpact on my frizz

and i realized two things:

1) i have a lot more white hair than i realized

2) i look much better from your perspective

i love you baby

pregnant women

i wanted god to tell me something

but
i got distracted before
i could talk terms

so all day today

i saw pregnant women

there was one in black
first thing in the morning

there was an australian one
seeking vegemite

there was an older one
who looked sort of haggard
bags under her eyes

and there were several
just sort of random ones


i'm not sure
what god was answering

i don't think
i even asked my question

i only got out the part:

god, please
i need a sign
show me a pregnant woman...

but i didn't say what color shirt
or
what i wanted it to mean, exactly

but
i was in a super bad mood
all day
maybe it pms
but
it seems a little early for that, three or four days
so maybe god knew i needed it
but
i really didn't snap until a few hours ago

thanks, god

today's reading

this is a celtic cross spread

it's more general than some
but
it explains what card is whathttp://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=434859&Date=5%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=celtic_cross

it tastes like chicken

1 Tbsp barley
1 Tbsp yellow split peas

next time more onion
and fresh garlic

but
it's good

i'm working on chicken soup again

this time
i have an inspiration
i'm starting with a bottle of torrontes
1/2 cup chickpeas
1/2 and onion
spices

the check was made to smallville

i think there was more than one perspective

there was an amusement park
and
a family

there was me
at a new job

there was me
on the street
trying to call my aunt in austin
[i have no aunt in austin]

somehow
these were all one big story

the amusement park
is a theme that comes up every once in a while
but, i've never been all that certain what it means
i can't remember details, but
what seemed important was
the family was on opposite sides of the park

then, my new job
it was sort of a desk job
and i was trying to get settled into my office
but there was stuff everywhere
and
they were letting clients in
while i was trying to change clothes

so
i went out, in the field
i did a bunch of consulting or something
brought back a bunch of money
and
suddenly i was a man
and this woman
tall, really beautiful
in an intellectual-type way
was standing in the doorway

how'd you do, she asked
i couldn't tell them i worked here, i answered
i'm not sure what to do about this, i hand her the check

it's made out to smallville

don't tell the company anything
we'll figure something out
and

keep the check


she turns slowly
keeping her eyes on me until the last possible second
and smiles
like i did something really really good
and she is gonna show me just how good, later

then, i'm a girl again
younger than i am now
i was wandering the streets
i don't know what city it was
but, definitely one i've seen in dreams before
there's something tricky about the buses
and i hear something about
einstein
trying to find out something about einstein, during the war
and i'm thinking it might be something bad
but i'm all like i'll call my aunt in austin
the one who works for the underground radio
she worked with einstein

so i try to use a pay phone
talking to the operator:
do you have a listing for edith
i may ma'am
how certain are you
because i won't waste the funds
almost certain ma'am

i insert a bunch of coins

i'm sorry ma'am
my information was fragmentary
i could not complete your call
have a nice evening

and
i'm spit back out on the street

a silly little piece about my hair

i've decided something
something that is fairly inconsequential
to everyone else in the world
but
kinda big for me

my hair used to be


that is a phrase you have heard from me

it used to be
this or that
and
my understanding of my beauty
was all tied up with my hair

that was what my father stressed
that is what got me attention from strangers
that was just objectively my thing


but
mostly
it was the color
and
even before i got all weird about
whatever else i've been weird about
i was worried that it was fading


and
what i've decided is this:

i don't care what color it used to be


it is a beautiful color now


i wouldn't want to change it


i wish i could spend some time in the sun
so the highlights would come out

but
otherwise

i'm good

i love you

wrestling the angel

i feel compelled to make clear
although i read the book
more than one book, actually
all those years ago
the conclusion:

[and
you must have seen this coming]

yeah, i'm not so much gonna do that stuff

i always wanted religion
in theory
because of my thing with god
but it just seemed all
external
pointless trouble

even now
this stuff i'm doing
it doesn't bring me closer to god
it brings me closer to you
which is silly
you don't do this stuff
it brings me closer to our children
who for some reason need the grounding
that i always wanted
and feel i was better off without

yet

i persist

the house on alabama street, anne bancroft, and talking to hot chicks about bugs

i fell asleep on the sofa about nine
woke up about three
went to bed
and slept about ten more hours

i feel, let's just say, not rested and refreshed

so, i don't know whether to attribute it to residual illness
or depleted adrenals from too much coffee
or depression creeping back in
or
all of the above

but
i had a lot of dreams
and i remember a fair amount

i had a very long conversation with anne bancroft
about judaism
my understanding of judaism
from my reading http://www.amazon.com/dp/0465086322/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3849421529&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=501558003326234742&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_35pvezhg3w_b
[earlier edition]
in high school
right up through to today
with my lack of connection to the cycle from tisha b'av
through yom kippur, rosh hashanah, sukkot
talking in depth about what i do connect to

and she said:
that's all very intellectual
do you know who connects to judaism in that way

but i don't know what she answered

the house on alabama street had been renovated
my mother was showing me
and she and my step-father had two beds
with this antique crib between them

are you expecting a baby, i asked
no, she said, it's just a decoration thing
i thought that was very strange

mommy
[she really only likes to be called mommy]
can i live here
i miss it so much
but, i don't know what she said

i walked around the house
there was a door on the side of the house
that was never there before
really
it was a different house
but of the same feeling, built in 1908-ish
the door opened up about three feet above the ground
had no stairs
they were clearing out brush from the long drive
talking about what the crack house apartments down the way had become

and then i found an elevated apartment
like a garage apartment
but it had never had a garage
it was small
covered in wisteria vines
and there was a girl in her mid-twenties there with me

i don't think it was her apartment
i think she worked from there
i was saying
i didn't mean to trespass
but i used to live here
you could hear happy little bug noises from outside
it would be crickets all night while you sleep
and it was dark and shadowed
even though it was day

like a member of the wedding the movie
i was thinking about that the other day
i was in chick-fil-a
and i saw a woman in thong sandals
and her feet reminded me of your feet
and i missed you intensely
and then i thought about the old nanny in member of the wedding, the book
telling frankie [f. jasmine] about seeing someone's thumb
having it remind her of her dead husband

i read that in high school

anyway, this girl was maybe not beautiful, but
she was cute-hot
she was hispanic
but she seemed to be morphing through
from cuban to puerto rican to maybe even filipino
and the morph was distracting me

and she said something about pulling the wings off fish
and i'm shocked:
you don't torture animals
do you
no no of course not

and i tell her about gigi
finding a slug in the house:
come here
watch this
pouring salt
it started to bubble and dissolve

make it stop

it's too late for that

how upsetting that was

so
am i turning into a southern writer
all of a sudden



i love you
i hope everything is beautiful where you are
i hope


someday

readings

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=1:6:13:34:61:2:74:17:30&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/bow.php?numbers=12:8:3:18:30:28:36&deck=gt/&maxNumber=6&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/relationship.php?numbers=9:61:38:77:33:78:51:46:21&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

i'm thinking about you with love

i've felt vaguely unsettled today

i don't know why
maybe
maybe you're unsettled
maybe
maybe i've got a lot on my mind
maybe
maybe i've had too much coffee

regardless
i love you

lightning

i got this card
and
the same card
in another deck
three times in a row today

this freaks me out slightly
because it generally means
bad stuff

but
the other cards i got
and
the answers to the questions i asked
don't seem to indicate bad at all


so, i'm not sure what to make of it
if you are inclined to think
that i'm saying something bad
don't think that

maybe
it's just
some form of rapid change
but that might be unpleasant

three times in a row


just take care of yourself
and
don't leave me

i know they're just cards

but
the last time i got the tower two times in a row
was in december


and  december
was some seriously bad shit
with my dad
and
what-not


i'm not fishing for reassurances

just don't die

i'm gonna tell you a secret

i thought
after that dream
that maybe you were
influencing the writing i was doing

because
it didn't sound like me, exactly

that it was silly
in a way
that you are silly

rather than
the way i am silly

maybe
i don't think of myself as silly

but
i can be silly

at any rate
i thought that you were in there
in my head

but
i was in the kitchen a few minutes ago
and i thought this:

maybe
maybe it is all me
maybe it isn't possible
for someone else to influence
someone else's dreams

but
then
i gotta say:

i like me

everything's going global

i dreamed
i was in college again
and, ya know, something weird
all these times i've dreamed about being in college
none of them have ever looked anything like
the place i actually went to college

you were coming to campus
everyone was flocking to see you
but
not me
i was writing you something
and, somehow, i knew you'd know

i was writing it on a board
of some kind
and the lines kind of undulated
and
i noticed that my letters
morphed a bit
so that
i think it was the     g  
some of them
looked like sperm
swimming across, or through the lines

and
as i was writing it
i was setting it to a melody
humming little bits
testing it out
as i wrote

and then
i was walking through
what contextually, for the landscape
i'd call a valley
but it was
closed in
not opened out
so the acoustics were great
and
all i can remember
is one line
which was repeated
in
like
a chorus

everything's going      glo - - - bal

i hope

that i didn't offend you
because
maybe
you never thought that at all
maybe
you never thought you'd just walk into my story
or
maybe
you figure you're already in my story
which
of course
you are


so
maybe
maybe i'm all with the mixin of the metaphors
and
you got no idea what i'm talking about
and
that's ok too

as long as you know

i love you
i want you
pragmatically, if possible

good night

beloved

trying to ask you questions

i want to ask you things
and, i do try
but, sometimes
i don't know whether your pointedly not answering me
is due to
not really getting what i'm needing to know
and
how much of it is:
jeez i have no clue
i just need you not to go away
whadda i gotta say to keep you from going away

and then
i don't want to ask again

i will not
allow myself to be
a nag
i hate nags

we are a storytelling people, you and me
and
i'm not using that as a euphemism for liars
i think it's a good thing
a true thing
a real thing

but
i want to make sure you realize
i'm thinking you're gonna write some of the story

do you understand what i'm saying?

i'm not making demands
and i know that that is cryptic as hell

but i need to make that clearer
because
i think you think
that one day you might just walk into my story
already in progress
seamlessly

and
not to be a buzz kill
but
that's not how my story goes

i love you

i have all these
questions
and
ideas
swimming around in my brain

some are good
and
some are
question-y

maybe
i'll be saying something later

now
i'm on my way to work
on my day off
by choice
because
there's something kinda wrong with me

but
just for an hour or so
and then
i've got a bunch of chores

grocery shopping
laundry
general stuff

have a beautiful day

i hope everything is good where you are

i love you very much

when i was growing up

i liked easter
i've always liked to eat eggs
and
who doesn't like chocolate bunnies
but
it wasn't just that

for some reason
it was like a cultural thing
to get
little white mary janes
and little white gloves
and a new dress

i think
the idea was for church
but
not even my fallen catholic mother
believed in going to church
in fact
she was
probably
the most against it
she said:
if you ever become catholic
i'll disown you

she was big on the disowning
not when i was little enough to talk her into a new dress
later
when she realized i was thinking for myself

and
don't get me wrong
i wanted the new dress
but
the thing i really really wanted
was the little white gloves

i couldn't tell you why
and
i always got chocolate on them
but
they were

great

i'm sorry if i upset or confused you

i was trying to
convey something
that possibly
you
wouldn't understand
or
that
possibly
isn't appropriate

i have
a lot
of feelings
around this
and
it's
uncomfortable for me

maybe it's just something i'm projecting onto you

maybe
maybe if i was actually having sex
it wouldn't bother you
and
it's likely
that you don't care
whether or not i'm faithful in my dreams

and
maybe you would love me
no matter what

maybe
maybe i just want you to care

maybe

some other stuff
i can't say out loud

night moves

maybe
maybe you've been at me again

i woke up
i was dreaming
but
the dream wasn't great
however
my physical state was
almost frenzied

i dreamed
i was so aroused
that i couldn't help myself
i was gonna sex up the one near by
in the dream
he looked like drogo

i lubed him up and mounted
but
as soon as i did
i felt guilt and remorse
so i stopped

i finished myself off
and then
as i was walking away

drogo said:
remember
if you get pregnant
by anyone else
he'll never love you again
some bells you just can't un-ring


shut up drogo

but
i don't think he's wrong

sunday

i wandered through the kitchen
making tea
imagining it's our kitchen
ghostly, you come up behind me
fold your arms around me, hold me
then
your hands roam up, cup my breasts
i lean into you
maybe
maybe i grind backwards, just a little
maybe you like that

i go to sit on the two section love seat
i bought a couch
i had mixed feeling about it
but
my hip's been bothering me
and
i haven't got anyplace comfortable to sit
which might be a metaphor for my life
without you
but
it's new
and i got it for ninety bucks
tax included
so
i got a couch

i sit
not yet reclining
and i type to you
i need you, baby
not so much because i need your sex
as because i need your touch
i'm still sick
and
i don't need screaming orgasms
i need you
so much in fact that i've been conjuring
you all day
i recline, i think of you

the couch is a color called oregano
which makes it green, i guess
but, really
it's more of a neutral
it matches
my green rug
my beige carpet, walls
i don't really want to buy a house
but
i find
i wish we had a place
that we could change to suit
someplace
not neutral

i watch a show
i'm alone, but i'm not alone
and
i'm reclining on the couch

then
i feel you
like an electric wave
flowing through me
crashing
ebbing
and
i don't touch myself
i let it all be you
pushing into me
running current along my skin
in ways
not corporeally possible, weight, gravity
but
definitely in the sea
there's weight there
and pressure
and it goes on and on and on and on
the wave
the wave i'm surfing
not trying to push it to a frantic conclusion
recalling the first marijuana orgasm, potent, diffuse

and i wonder
was this even it
or was this just you're anticipation of it

because
i went to sleep at nine o'clock
wet
and woke up
wet

love you, talk later

i'm thinking about you

i miss you
i love you very much

and

i need you, baby

i know
this probably means i'm crazy
but
i can't help it
i imagine you physically in my world

i don't know how much
what i imagine might resemble
what you'd actually do

but
my god
it's so real, somehow

i think i have a cold

i'm angry at myself
because i haven't really gotten sick
in a long time
although i've had a few bouts
of not feeling too good

but
i let myself get
somewhat dehydrated
and
i haven't been eating the best
or getting enough sleep
or
not working too hard

so
i'm taking extra vitamins
and drinking apple cider vinegar water
and wheat grass tablets
and laying off the coffee and dairy
but
i still worked 11 hours today

i love you
dumpling

i hope you are happy and healthy

i keep getting
death
and
mourning
and
nightmare
cards for you

i thought that was kinda weird

hope everything's ok

i love you

i want you to be happy

i love you very much

i feel peculiar

on the one hand
i feel kinda detached
from everything

on the other hand
i feel strangely good

on the other hand
i feel like i should be worried about running out of time

i'm not actually worried about running out of time
i just think that it would make good logical sense to be worried about that

i worry about metaphor

sometimes
sometimes i can't feel you at all
and
sometimes
i feel you quite intensely
even sometimes
when
i haven't written anything, or whatever
so you must just be thinking about me

and
right now
the cards
are not giving me anything i can interpret

like this, for example

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=26:60:35:13:63:36:40:21:43&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

when i ask:
what is he thinking about us and our future

it looks all good
except for that boredom and mourning stuff
that looks kinda scary

and
it's always like that


i love you

apparently, my dreams are all about the bodily fluids

i was in some class
they held it in a cafe
in an alt-city version of where i live
and
i had some discussion about
equating this area with manhattan

which doesn't make any sense

and i knew it in the dream
this is a small area
with
few tall buildings
and
it's predominantly residential
except for the major thoroughfares
which in the dream
were all
highrised and glass fronted

like the trendy sushi building
so
maybe i'm projecting
midtown gentrification
across to the edge
of old-money-town
but

that still doesn't make it manhattan

anyway
this class was weird
it was all about themes in textiles
or something
and
i kept referring to one style as earthy

it pissed the teacher off
but
it was mushroom colored
but there was some catch-phrase

really
rather than school
this seemed more like
some corporate district meeting
anyway

i think i got thrown out
and

i ended up
in a public bathroom

i was sitting
i looked down at my feet
i was wearing keds
and the laces looked like they had been
ripped away

what had happened


and then
i wiped

an enormous amount of
ovulation discharge
like the white of a large egg

and i'm like:
well
what the hell is this supposed to be telling me

i'm sorry if i was weird this morning

i was freaked out

and
i had the
distinct impression
that you were mad at me

but
there isn't any reason you should be

i'm kinda freaked out by the dream i just had

ok
so i wasn't me, exactly
and the guy wasn't you
and it was a whole sword swallowing scene

and
it wasn't like i was
attracted to him
or
into it
sexually

but
it was very physical
like my tactile sensors
were working
to a greater extent than usual in dreams
and
i was thinking stuff like:

wow
i think i used to be good at this
and
i'm critiquing my technique
but really
i don't think
it's possible that it was actually realistic
it seemed very deep
and he seemed
very small
so unless he detached
and then
there was swallowing

now
wtf

if i'm having a dream like this
i want to be doing you

and
now
i have this irrational fear
that
somehow the reason i had this dream
or because of it
or something
you
must be mad at me
or
thinking that i'm rejecting you somehow
or something bad

and
really
it probably has a meaning
that isn't sexual in nature at all
since it was so non-arousing
and what-have-you

i can't remember any context, at all


even if you're mad at me
please
don't send me any more dreams like that

i'm drunk

i went to dinner with my mom
and
i had grapefruit for lunch
so
when i drank my first glass of wine i got drunk

i should always drink with mt mom

hard to type though

thinking about

talking
at the late nite
hot dog stand

talking
about
magazine articles
in the coffee shop

reading
shamanic way of the bee




dreamed about
waiting in line to shower
got to the head of the line
asked:
showers are one dollar
are baths
still two dollars
she said:
yes
i said:
i'll have a bath, then
she said:
i just need one hundred dollars
to renew your gym membership
first
i said:
oh
maybe just the shower, then
but, i don't know
i'd really like a massage
maybe
maybe i will renew
hmmm

well, i am a genius soup maker, but maybe it doesn't taste like chicken broth, not really

i decided
i'm in love with the smoked paprika flavor
so
i added some more
and some ginger
and some noodles

i'm not making the matzo balls
i have no doubt that i can do that
i don't need to practice
and
i decided
that wasn't what i wanted for dinner

it tastes
delicious

it doesn't taste
like chicken

but
this combo
smoked paprika and ginger
is a big big winner
and
it
is probably the genesis
of whatever soup
i would feed you
when you have a cold
or need
comforting food

and
next time i make it
it won't have to take so long
because
the second reduction
really didn't improve it
i'll just start with more wine

so far, so good

it tasted pretty good
maybe a little heavy on the paprika
[i added another 1/2t]
but, all in all, not too shabby

so
i strained out all the stuff
[i had to let it cool down first
so i could pick up the crock and pour]

but
i had planned
to do more stuff to it, anyway
i added
4T nutritional yeast
2 cups water
2 cups white wine
more dill

and it's taking forever to get back up to temp

until the alcohol can cook off
i won't know
whether i am a genius
or
not

so
in the mean time
i experimented with the guts
[the stuff i strained out]

i tried "chicken patties"
which looked
frankly, not great
all charred and blackened on the outside
but tasted good
on a bun with mayo and dijon mustard
woe the sadness
i am out of hamburger dills

i tried making dense "chicken" dumpling
but
they just cooked away in the salty water
and
i knew they might do that
but
i wanted to try

the more food i can get out of one escapade
the more cost effective it becomes
and the more likely
it could work
on some sort of regular menu

thre cholent was a win
the meatloaf
and expensive expensive loss

and
although matzo ball soup
might not be something you'd want to have
weekly
because it would
diminish the special
chicken soup of some ilk
bring it on


i'm not just thinking chicken noodle
i'm thinking thai coconut lemongrass
i'm thinking pho

the list could go on and on

i'm working on the broth

i started with
a cup of chickpeas
a cup of new age rose
1/2 lemon wedged
2 cups water
garlic
white pepper
turmeric
and
4T nutritional yeast

i let that cook on high about an hour

i added
a small onion
4 stalks of celery heart
4T toasted sesame oil
4T avocado oil
herbs de provence
dill weed
cumin seed
2 squares of kombu
1/2t dijon mustard
1/2t smoked paprika
1/2t better than bullion
a small piece of shitaki mushroom


i thought i had carrots
but
i guess i don't
that's the main reason for the better than bullion
that
and
a tiny tiny bit of tomato taste
below the register hopefully

it has too much top right now
but
it's a nicely complex top
i'm hoping
the chickpeas will develop
with the smoked paprika
and kombu
to create a full bottom
and the oil
is for flavor
and texture

avocado oil is kinda buttery
and toasted sesame
has a roasted or slightly bacon-y flavor
i'm hoping
between the two
to develop something
that will feel like
when you cook a whole chicken in water
slowly
for a long time
and you get that thick rich broth

i have another bottle of wine
this one a white table blend
which is slightly sweet
which i am prepared to add

i hope hope hope it works

i have to go to sleep now

please take care of yourself
i love you very much
i wish
i was sleeping next to you
that i could feel your arms around me

you've got big emotions
i can feel that all the way from here

it's all gonna be ok

you thought about me today

are you ok?

i love you

big or small dense or fluffy

i've had matzo ball soup
but
not near as many times as i've had
chicken and dumplings
or
various chinese dumplings
so
when i think of dumplings
which matzo balls are as well
i think of dense dumplings

but
i think
with mbs
the standard is light and fluffy
so
whatever you like

the trouble
is the broth
cause
nothing tastes like chicken broth

not really

but
i have a plan
i'm not going to be so hard on myself
as the whole meatloaf escapade

i'm going to crockpot it

chcikpeas
onion
carrot
celery
lemon wedge
wine
[and here i'm thinking a somewhat sweet white wine
or possibly rose
but
not the red that i usually use]
and
i'm not that big into dill
i'm leaning toward
rosemary
and or herbs de provence
and
maybe some turmeric for color
white pepper
and maybe
some nutritional yeast
oh
and salt
it'll need salt

i think
that will be
chicken-esque
but
it won't be chicken
if it tastes good
i will consider that a victory

or
i could not make that at all
and instead
make something different
that you'd like better
and
we could just have a go-to-the-deli tradition
where you eat the real chicken soup
because
i don't know that you should suffer

so, matzo ball soup

today was the best day i've had in a while

i said my hormonal cycle has been off
i should have been ovulating
when i saw you
but
i was having some spotting
which is not normal for me
but
is not abnormal for human females
so
i wasn't too worried
but
then
i ovulated later
and
i was like:
crap
this is going to throw my cycle off
by like 10 days at least
because it is like 12 days
between ovulation and happy happy blood time
so
where i was expecting the joy
on like the 4th
here it comes today
but
i've been
wanting to punch people in the face
for almost 2 weeks

but
it's not just
hormonal relief
that makes it the best day

today
in my mind
i was on our porch
all day
mixin up alcoholic punches
and just being
in a world that is ours
and
i haven't been able to do that
but
today
i could

i feel better

so
i don't know what's going on
with my brain chemicals
and
i don't know if it's stress
or what
but my hormonal cycle
is whack as well

and
i'm in the mood
which
i haven't been much, lately

and
it's kinda a shame, really
that i'm on an all you diet
because
damn
not only would that hit the spot
just right now
but
i don't think
that it's healthy
to go without, forever

i still don't know what to believe
and
mostly
that suppresses desire
ao
mostly
any desire has been
a never jam today type longing

but
now i wanna buck
and scream

and
i'm continuing the fantasy in my head
and
if i have to cry and cry later that i did that
i'm telling you now
and this is a promise
god will smite you

i'm not kidding

moose
and
all that

now
back to heat
i need you
and not gently
words like driving
and
explosive
and
you know where i'm going with that
but
more graphically anatomical
as well as fluid
and
maybe in the kitchen
or
i'm getting
between hanging sheets
on a laundry line
that smell of fresh linen
and damp grass

come on
don't hold out on me baby
i need you
now

well, maybe this isn't right either

i don't like the sundried tomato
it takes over

i could
[if i loose the sdt]
crumble this in mashed potatoes
and blah blah
for a really good shepherd's pie

i could maybe
crumble it
re-patty it
and fry it in a pan
to get veggie burgers

it just doesn't work for me
as a meatloaf
the texture is not right

i really like the crispy bits
but the center
still screams

not meat


i had a radical thought
about the greasiness

it involves tofu
which i try to avoid
for estrogenic reasons
but
drastic measures may be called for

if you freeze firm tofu
then
when it thaws
you can squeeze all the water out of it
like a sponge
and
it becomes
a sponge

if
i can mix up
some sort of oily mixture
it could absorb
into
the tofu

and
maybe
i'm missing the boat with miso
maybe i need worchestire sauce instead
at least in the grease

maybe
i'm using too much bread
or not enough egg
but it doesn't seem like it
you cannot possible have to use lentils
or fake meat substitute

but really
i think mine is just as loaf like as any
it's just not as meatlike
and
in the quest for meat-ness
i'm losing the veggie loaf-ness

bah

i will not be beaten
it's food
not mount everest

and
in case you can't tell
this is the only thing
i'm actually
enjoying
to do
anymore

fingers crossed

i said some things wrong before
the chickpea base i used is not the same as the chili base
because i did not include sin dried tomatoes
it does have chiles and onions
also
i forgot to mention
i mixed raw onion in as well
to the last batch

now

3 cups chickpea base [processed]
3 cups (ish) bread crumbs
2 1oz packages dried porcini mushrooms
[1 processed dry in with the chickpeas
1 cooked in with the quinoa]
1 cup quinoa dry or 3 cups cooked

[i used regular quinoa because they only had regular
at the grocery near me and i thought, whatever
but ideally
i'd like a blend of regular
and red
for color
flavor
and
texture
so]

1/2 cup quinoa
3/4 cup red quinoa
2 8oz packages walnut pieces [processed]
{or 16oz of walnut pieces, bulk}
1 medium onion
2T soy sauce
1T umeboshi vinegar
2T hatcho miso
4T toasted sesame seed oil
10-12 sundried tomato halfs [processed]
3 beaten eggs

[the soy sauce and umeboshi i put in first
thinking i could skip the miso, maybe
since it would be harder to process in without water
but it was necessary
so the soy sauce may not really be
probably most people don't just have
hatcho miso
just, ya know, laying around as a staple
but
they should
it's awesome
but i guess any dark brown miso paste would work
and
maybe make up the umeboshi and the extra miso
with barbeque sauce
hell, maybe they only need the barbeque sauce
but i need hatcho and umeboshi]


i'm cooking it at 300 degrees
it's been almost an hour
it's still
almost like raw
and i spread it out
not more than 2.5" thick
[because i really thought that was a problem before]
but, also
i'm cooking it on a lower temp

the sides don't pull in like with real meat
so
it's harder to tell when it's done
i didn't use the fresh mushrooms
or
any liquid to speak of
both of which i did last time
there are lots of veggie loaf recipes out there
i'm trying really hard
to get something
that you'd want to eat
like even as a meatloaf sandwich
satisfyingly meaty
slightly granular
if only
i could get it a tiny bit greasy


it tasted really good raw
we'll see

there are gonna be multiple posts today, i can tell already

first
let me make clear
that that particular item
[with the shipping more than the item itself]
is not the actual one i'm ordering
that one just had a description, etc
plus
i ordered some other stuff too

i am getting the tartine bread book
and http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Book-Jewish-Festival-Cooking/dp/B0046LUC6Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331744485&sr=8-1

i've been looking at both of these books for a while
but
now is the time, apparently

i've started on the "meatloaf"
i'm waiting on quinoa to cool right now
so i thought i'd give you background

the first time i tried to make ml
i was gonna go all vegan
cause it was close to the start of my journey
and i was vegan at that moment
and i'm all like
yeah yeah whatever
i can totally just use flax meal mixed with water
instead of egg as a binder
it gets all mucilaginous and shit, like egg
the problem is
it is not devoid of flavor
it tasted like flax
ie anything you make with it will taste like shit
unless you're making something that can absorb flax flavor

chia is what you use for that crap
because it has almost no flavor
[it's also much more stable and won't go all rancid
why do people like flax
maybe cause it's old skool]
i made some pancakes once with chia
when i had no eggs in the house
and they worked
but
eggs add flavor to pancakes
so
they weren't very good

anyway
the first one
was
inedible/disgusting
and
that's unusual for me
usually
even if it's not great
i can still eat it
this took forever to cook too
and i'm still having that issue

i decided
fuck it
add eggs
work the vegan shit out later
if it's worth it to ya

so
the last batch
i used the chickpea blend that i use for chili
as a base
with bread crumbs
egg
fresh mushrooms
dried porcinis
[soaked in miso broth which i added]
black quinoa
walnuts

it tasted pretty good
but
it didn't cook evenly
it had too much moisture
so
it got crunch on the outside
and
it was still slightly
gloopy
on the inside
but the taste was good
and
the texture
seemed like it woulda been right

which brings you up to now

spices

i just ran out today
of my hungarian paprika
which i have sworn by
since
well
the hungarian cookbook in college
but
i found this

http://www.amazon.com/70-grams-Piment%C3%B3n-Vera-Dalia/dp/B000X9FDRS/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1331699952&sr=1-1

and
i'm going to give it a try


i love you

i haven't eaten meat for like 2 years, so my tastebuds are different

but
i think it tastes pretty meaty

i know
many people put something sweet in
but
that doesn't sound good to me

maybe
eggplant
or
i wanna say okra
i don't actually like okra
but
i love jumbo
and it kinda reminds me of gumbo
except
jumbo
is packed with treif

and
i mean
i could keep kosher
without any big problem
except
for shrimp
and oysters
and scallops
and  octopus
and squid
and a whole list of other stuff

you can keep your pork
i don't really care about that
i miss steak
and baked chicken
and turkey
but
i'm not gonna eat them

but
i swear
god wants me to eat shellfish
and not just in chinese food

and
i know
you don't care about that
but
i think about it

i mean
there's not much point in taking it too far
cause
i'm never gonna think that mikveh stuff
is anything other than sexist crap

i don't know
how much meat you eat
so i don't know if you'd think this was meaty or not
but
i really liked it
and i'm kinda surprised


i've been working on "meatloaf"
and
i'm almost there

i think i'm gonna be good at cholent, when i get the proportions right

i put the potatoes [1.5 pounds]
the shallots [.5 pound]
the fava beans [.75 cup]
the barley [.25 cup]
the wine [1 cup]
{you knew i was gonna add wine, right}
and
spices:
cumin seed
fennel seed
rosemary
thyme
herbs de provence
spike
hungarian paprika
[i don't have quantities for spices]

when i got home and checked it
it was still mostly liquid
and
it didn't seem
to have many beans or barley

so i added barley [.5 cup]
but i don't know if it will cook long enough
not to be really good
i'm cooking another [.75 cup] of beans
to add

the broth
tastes
really really good
and
it's thickening up now

i think this one may not come out as well
because i'm adding
after the fact
but
i think
i'm gonna like it

just added:
garlic
black pepper
white pepper
salt
more spike

oh, and by the way

i love you

very much

ok, for the cholent, duh, fava beans why didn't i think of that sooner

i haven't made it yet
maybe tomorrow
but
i bought all the ingredients today

fava beans
tiny little gold potatoes
shallots
barley

i'm not planning on lentils
i almost bought bulghar wheat
but i think it's too much
but
i'm still going to look up some recipes
or something
and see if anything
inspires me
i hope the shallots will be
what i think
they will be
in the end

i keep thinking carrots
but
that's pot roast

i'm intrigued by the whole
hamin egg thing
not so much to eat with
as with breakfast earlier
or
maybe you like egg salad
i bet
you like egg salad

or maybe a little salad nicoise

medicinal dreams

i don't think you saw that post
i decided
i didn't want you to see it
and i took it down

but
i had medicinal dreams
so
either you did
or
i decided to do something about my issues

i go moved into a new dorm
really nice
fancy glass fronted
apartments
huge
and
secure very secure

there was something about the number 38

and
there were
beach roving
wind boarding
first aid
kiosks

also
i'm sorry
if this is a bad thing
but
i'm being told
it would be healthier to externalize
all that violence
so
now
whenever
i have urges like that
i'm going to focus them on heather


9

peter pfeiffer, debbie moses, and the girl with the silver nose

this is a dream i had last night

i was back in college
again


i was in a german class
debbie moses was there
and she was pissed off at me
i couldn't figure out why

and why was she in a german class anyway
debbie took spanish
but
maybe
it's because i used her name

i was sitting next to my friend
and
i was thinking
how beautiful she was
her nose
was a bright shiny silver
the skin
joining the metal to the rest of her face
was black
and textured
the metal nostrils
slits rather than curving outward

peter pfeiffer was
as attractive as ever
and he was talking to my friend
leaning in
speaking german

i tried to listen

he got irritated

i tried to read his lips

he got irritated

there was more
i don't remember

but
i wonder
what are the salient
factors

i'm not gonna finish that story

or maybe i will
someday
but
i haven't been able
to make myself write it

maybe
for right now
i'll just tell you
the part you really want to hear

i was talking to god

i said:
look god
i'm not fussed about the money
i spent on the ticket
if
if i should just walk away
if i've done what i'm supposed to do
if this isn't the path, anymore
just don't get me there

and
if i am to continue
then get me there in a timely manner

this is the sign part, see
and
i was sure
sure i wouldn't make it
i slept no more than five hours
in america's best value motel
i was falling asleep
on the road
and i thought:
if i die
there will be no one to tell him what happened

and
i got lost
and
i got lost again
and
i accidentally exited
three times
rather than get on the fast track
and i wanted to quit
i wanted to turn around
and drive away
go someplace i haven't been yet
someplace beautiful

but
if i quit
i would never know

and
in the end
i was walking up to meet you
you walked past me, in fact
i don't think you saw me
but i was walking up
i looked at my watch
i was, exactly
on time

and
i said
as your shadow
sloped past me

that's gotta be a sign

cholent

i guess
i really ought to work up a recipe for this
it's kinda a culturally important thing
and
that chick
she's got a magazine now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae2-lQVFsGw&list=PLC5EDE100D1CDBB09&index=1&feature=plcp

this looks really gross to me

but
i'm up for the challenge
i've never been a barley fan
but i think it's supposed to be good for you

i saw this a while back
and i really enjoyed it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs10g5wOR9E

just off the top of my head
i'm thinking
this might be my chance to experiment
with black beluga lentils
i'm thinking
white beans
i've not cooked with them either
but
they just seem right
it seems like
probably needs chickpeas
but
that might overpower the other stuff
but
it seems like it needs meaty-ness
and
i'm not sure how meaty that other stuff is going to be
maybe mushrooms
but
mushroom/barley
is not a combination i've enjoyed before


i'll have to give it some thought

coffee shops

writing in coffee shops

seems natural to me

some people write in bars

and

i guess

if i spent a lot of time in bars

i'd eventually see them as a place to write

and

maybe it has something to do with being female

but

i don't see bars as a safe enough environment

to spin my energy that far away from my body

you don't know this

but

after you talked about that lala bar

i tried to go there

just to feel the energy

but

by the time i got there it was dusk

i'm sure it's different in the afternoon

but

i couldn't make myself walk in, even

i was slightly angry with myself

but i couldn't do it

so i walked a few doors down

and found

the perfect little coffee shop

ordered the hemingway special

sometimes

even someplace like an ihop or a big boy will do

it kinda depends

there's an ihop on figueroa that i could see

as a permanent base

i was lost there at 3am once

the more

diner or cafe

the better, really

starbucks, for example

doesn't really work for me

and

if i have to pick between diner or cafe

i think

i'm more of a diner writer

though

i couldn't tell you why

maybe

it's from hanging out at coffee shops

with my dad when i was two and three and maybe four still

maybe that's when and where i started telling myself stories

probably

that's a story

probably

i started telling myself stories at home

or at the park

but

i feel certain

i had a lot of free telling-myself-stories time

in coffee shops

and

maybe

that's why

but

even if it's not

i freakin love coffee shops

no more trendy sushi with the 30 year olds

so
my friend is actually younger than that
but preggers is the one that picked it

it was so loud
you had to scream to talk

we won't discuss the service
because
really
all you have to say is trendy


preggers and her husband
love sushi
but were arguing with me about what
sashimi
is
you cannot just get fish without the rice
they say
you mean here
i ask
well maybe in japan
they counter
no no no
i always get fish without the rice
everywhere


and
i was excited
because i found out
this place has special fish flown in from
some special market
in japan

but
i got chimachi
and
octopus
and
two seaweed salads
oh, and an iced tea
they added the gratuity automatically
so
7 pieces of
not really all that great
but not by any means bad
fish
and 8 dollars of seaweed
and 2 dollars of tea
comes to 48 dollars

the places i like to go are so different

my favorite place right now
they bring you hot towels to start
i think they pickle their own ginger
and the fish is so fresh
the texture
the moisture
roll-your-eyes-back-in-your-head-good

i go to a sushi lounge too
but
it is dark
with booths you melt into
the music is background enough
to carry on a conversation
and
i could live on their seaweed salad
and their escolar
is what passes in my current food incarnation as
an aged marinated medium-rare new york strip steak
and
you feel
ambiance-wise
like you might be in a bond film
even the bathroom
is in character


maybe
maybe i'm quite particular
but
i found out
my friend took ASL as her foreign language in high school
and that actually
really impressed me

but
she
was really glad i came
so
what the hell
it coulda been worse

but it made me think
imagine really
the little places
we might frequent
in our imaginary world

and that


kinda snapped me outa my funk

i love you

turtle dream

last night/this morning
i was dreaming about a turtle
it didn't have a shell on it's tummy
and i was petting it
it was a very tactile
soothing dream
and
the turtle purred like a kitten

when i woke up
i thought
you must have sent it to me
it was so steeped in love

before that
there was four-wheeling
up hill
through the mud
through the rough terrain

three different routes
and
i meant to take one
but
i ended up on a different one
and
ultimately
the destination
was
alaska

i'm not feeling good

yesterday
i took my first ever candle light bath
at 7pm
and then went to bed

today
i have no energy

i'm probably going to bed soon, tonight

i was supposed to go out with a friend
but i got roped into going to a party type thing

i thought about saying i couldn't go
it's too late
because it starts at 9pm
but
jeez
i can't really say i'm too old to go out at 9pm
and
i was going to beg off cause it's downtown
but
turns out it's in midtown
so they'll even be parking

and
it's sushi
so i have to go

but
i wanted to go out with my friend
i hate groups
and the one girl is pregnant
and
that's gonna depress me
i can tell already

i'll probably have a great time

people keep talking about the oscars

and
my immediate gut reaction is always
somewhere around the
oh, do they still have that
latitude

i used to love it as a kid

i watched it religiously
like the olympics
like the miss america
like gone with the wind in the fall
like wizard of oz in the spring

and
i think the oscars lasted the longest
but
i think they only made it to 1987
when paul newman won his only oscar
for color of money
which i can't remember at all now
but which
i thought at the time
was pretty weak
and it beat out
children of a lesser god
which i thought at the time was
brilliant
hurt translating
the whole enacting both voices
as it were
i guess
i thought it was
a tour de force

now
retrospectively
it was a romantic film
but at the time
that was really just a vehicle
for the storytelling

i understood viscerally, then
something i had known intellectually
for a little while at that point:
it's a process

newman had deserved an oscar
for a long time
and how many more opportunities were they gonna get
hurt had just gotten one for kiss of the spider woman
did hurt deserve to get 2 in a row
when newman hadn't had one yet

but
to me
in my mind
i said:
it's just a bullshit political system

and
i never wanted to watch it again after that

because
i don't care about the red carpet
i don't care about celebrity
or what so-and-so is wearing

all that hollywood glitterati stuff
i just really couldn't care less

does that make me too weird for you

because
i know
you might care about that stuff

thank you baby

i woke up with a headache
and i needed extra sleep
but
i was functional today
which i wasn't [almost] yesterday

in the afternoon sometime
i even felt
that kind of electric contraction
that usually means
you've read me
or
thought about me intensely
or
something along those lines
and
this all must mean
that it was you

i knew that one thing
and i know you love me

and
right now
i'm having the most amazing intrusive thoughts
which maybe you're sending

look, i'm having some trouble today

and
i need not to have to worry about you
so
just be ok
ok

i keep getting this feeling
in my body
physical, you know
that you want me to hold you
and assure you that everything's ok

and
probably it is
i don't know right this minute, though

if i'm wrong about
what you want from me right now
then
i'm sorry
i'm not trying to stress you unduly

i just feel affected
and maybe it's just me
but i was excited by the prospect of the story writing, yesterday
and today
i'm depressed
irritable
and i feel kinda
pressed

if that's all coming from me
then i'm so not ok
but
if you are sending me wave
after wave of stress
then
this is exactly how i'd feel

so
then
i'm fine

you're gonna like the story in the end
i think

if it's you
calm down

if it's me
then we got Trouble

hey, just so you know

i'm not writing this stuff
from a place of anger
i"m not angry
i'm not
hurt
or
sad
even
but that part came out easier
so the rest will be a few days, i think
do not freak out

i'm sure everything will work out
however it's supposed to

the introduction

Strawman, you shoulda seen our girl.  She was a freakin jewel in the lotus.  All with the bodhisattva and shit.

I'm sorry Luce, but how do you talk this way.

Just use your own words, Moose.  Tell him what you want to say.

Well Buddy, by which I mean you stupid son-of-a-bitch, do you realize what you've got here?  I been stayin out of the way because, I mean look at her, but I don't think you understand the situation.  I been trying to tell her you're just stringin her.  She just keeps saying stuff like muse to me.  Now I don't claim to know what a muse is, see, but it seems like a crap job to me.  And she's all makin moon-eyes over ya and dreamin about havin your babies.  The whole thing just makes me sick.  She's got this crap job and she needs new glasses, she needs body work on her car, and then she tells me she's going to see you.  Why?  What is he gonna do different this time?  She's gonna spend her money and she's gonna come back crying again.  And, in case you didn't know, jackass, there's been a fair amount of that already around here.  But she thinks she promised you. Before you fuckin gutted her, so I say: so fuckin what. 

Moose, I know he's not going to do anything differently.  He wants it like this.  What I don't understand is why he won't be honest with me about it.  

Does this mean your mother's right?

Hey, quiet there in the peanut gallery.  Do you want him to think we're crazy or something?  Besides, that could never happen.

Ok, look, here's the deal.  I went to see him.  Not because I thought he was going to finally tell me that he loves me.  I know that he loves me.  But I won't believe that I'm real to him until he says it for real.  Not because I thought he was going to give me some sort of explanation.  Although, why he's too stupid to realize that even if it was:  hey, you know, lost a bet babe, he'd be better off telling me because not telling me is just kind of saying:  hey, take it bitch.  I didn't even really want to go because it's too big a risk, honestly.  If I have to I can completely manufacture him, well, I think I can, anyway, but if he kills my love then I've got nothing.  Then I'm back to chain smoking and waiting to die.

What is this shit!?  Are you telling me that you need some man to keep from killing yourself?

Sadly, I might be telling you that.  He's the only thing that's ever made me want to live.  Now, granted, not lately.  But I was in a kind of holding pattern.  And the thing is:  I did feel like I'd promised him, but I didn't really feel like I was obligated to that, you know, after, but, come on, the situation was untennable.  So I went out there for me.  Because if I went for him then I couldn't love him any more when he did the things that seem inevitable.  Not this time.  Not any more.  

What I really did.  I went on a journey.  A journey of self-exploration.

God, that sounds hokey.

Does it sound less hokey if I call it something else?

I went on the road to find out what would happen and what I would do.

as i reread that last, i see a different reading, so now i'm even more disturbed

one thing i like about this poetry i do here
the line breaks
sans punctuation
allow for different readings
play and juxtaposition
in reading

but

as i reread the last
the context of "save yourself" changed

when i constructed it
i intended
more of a they're coming, save yourself
but as i read it now
it comes across more like
save yourself from me

which
totally works in context and all
but
is even more disturbing


so
i don't know
maybe
i've painted your character in an unfavorable enough light
that you're rethinking
why is it i like her again
or
damn, she's more of a chick than i thought she was

but
i'm serious
i thought that everything was my imagination
and then, later, driving
i wondered if that constituted wanting to want to make myself try
to forget you [or whatever it is i'm always saying i can't even do]
or, rather
if it constituted an external projection
of my anguish about your methodology
or perhaps
it was just simple self protection

do i need protection from you

if i understood
what the fuck was going on with you
i could maybe answer that better

ok, so i've been driving for 12 hours and spinning this into a story in my head, but i think i need to talk to you about it while i can still remember what isn't the story

this is not the there-will-be-a-story-story
that will be much more like something i'd write
this is
i think
really really dark, suddenly


so
i had just looked at myself in the mirror
and i recognized myself
i looked just like me
i was happy and confident

and then
i walked over to you
i had stuff i wanted to tell you
i figured
even if it was over
i felt like i'd had a positive influence on your life
[this stuff isn't going in the story
well, maybe the mirror thing
but i wanted you to know
i was thinking this
just before]
if you were happy with whatever
i could feel good about it

but

i started talking to you
and
i looked into you
with whatever that freaky scary thing i do is
and
suddenly
i thought:
this has all been my imagination
from the beginning to now, everything

and
whatever you may have said after that
just couldn't register

and
i couldn't get away from you fast enough

as i constructed it into a story [or started to, anyway]
it became more like:

rose looked into his eyes
as he pretended not to know her
and she saw it differently this time
rather than seeing someone who wanted pathologically not to be pinned down to anything
rather than seeing the need be able to claim: you got it wrong lady
this time she saw the other half of her soul looking back at her
a keening animal in a spring trap

maybe his pretending not to know her
was really an offering of love to her
i need you
i love you
save yourself


i find this all very disturbing.

i am disturbed, deeply disturbed by my experience

there will be a story

i''ll probably put it in the story file
rather than here
but
you know me, right

i'd asked for a sign

i got a sign

but
it didn't have anything to do with you

and
i really knew
that other thing too

the surprise of the evening
was
that i really enjoyed myself

don't freak out

i couldn't do that one thing cause i was doing that other thing

i love you

smile

valentine's thoughts

i thought about you today

i
lpve
you

but

i'm not feeling valentine's day-ish

and anyway
that's just another
retail construct

but
i'm chilling a bottle of
new age rose
and i'm going to pretend
that you're with me

i've been working longish hours
and when i got done today
i went shopping
and i wandered into ulta3 looking for a lipstick
i've been looking at the whole foods
and aveda
and
i haven't found any that looked good on me
i found one
LORAC - vanity
then
i had to have a navy mascara
which apparently no one makes anymore
and black is too dark
and brown looks weird
and did i mention
i'm doing this like half shabbos of a cleanse
where i don't eat all day
but just drink the lemonade
and then i do eat dinner
and today
i ran out of mix
so i was kinda spacey

and
i can't be doing very well
if i'm shopping for makeup

anyway
i got mascara in bad girl plum by benefit

no no, it's bad gal plum

for all my talk, it's not just your mind

tonight
it's your jaw
and the frightening stretch
of your neck
over sinew

and your hair
when it's shaved short
partially because it doesn't detract
from the beautiful structure of your face
and skull
but
also
because
when i was 26
i had a bob with the back of my head buzzed
there was something very sexy
about the feel
even running my own hand over it
and
i think about that

touching the shadow along your jaw
sideburn to ear
maybe
maybe i'll linger
but the 'lectric feel of the back of your head
could be swoon-worthy

oh
but to kiss you
and touch you there
that could be the next big thing

counting my blessings

i saw a youtube video today
pcos-girl
and
she was talking about thinning hair
apparently a side effect of pcos
she was obviously in her early to mid twenties
she showed her hair

i will no longer refer to what i've got as thinning

thank you god
for my hair
it's good
i'm good
i'm grateful
i'm not complaining anymore

i'm all shook up

i don't want to be
i want everything to be
all happy and good
but
maybe it isn't supposed to be that way

maybe
maybe i
maybe i don't know what

i mean
i say i want you to just tell me
tell me what you want from me
so that i can just finally
figure out
how to work my life properly around you

but
maybe
that won't work, really

maybe
i want too much from you
and maybe i couldn't deal with
what i think i want

and maybe you know that
it's something else you need

but
i feel like
i'm trapped between the walls
like
i'm not living in my life

i have a hard time not just making shit up
and
why am i not really really angry with you
it's years and years
and
maybe you're still shopping me

but maybe
not

it's just
maybe
that i had a strong desire for you today
and
i kinda don't want to
i kinda just want to feel in control
until i feel like i've got it figured out to
something i can deal with

but i do
i want you
but i'm angry
and i'm menstrual
so it's got a slightly desperate
violent edge to it
so
i imagine
it could be really hot

but
i still have this residual desire
to be soothed, gentled from my near hysteria
which i had to keep all secret and shit

damn you

and
damn these new vitamins
they are revving me up and making it worse

i was taking these blood building supplements
and they were making me feel so much better
that i decided to take the multi too
source of life it's called
it's got spirulina and bee pollen and ginseng root

but
i don't want to be all dangerous
because maybe that's scary
and part of me says
you deserve to be scared, a little
and the other part of me says
that that's kinda an abusive attitude and i need to watch that

there's this part of me
that wants you to take my hand
look me in the eye
say: i love you
and say my name

but
if you did
then maybe that would just bring up
the next round of angst
you know what i mean
and maybe
maybe that's all girly boring

i do want that though

and
i want to spend a four day weekend
in bed with you
not necessarily for any kind of marathon
more to calibrate
and touch you
maybe smoke a little weed
and drink some wine
or maybe
something harder
but
not sitting around talking
so much as absorbing you

i will say
this idea terrifies me as much as it attracts me
i am aware of all the ways
i am not the gorgeous body i'd like to be for you
and
i'm not sure i have any skills left
and
i know
that new discovery phase
is the one that most people enjoy most
but
it's not for me
or at least it hasn't been

so
maybe
all i've done here
is be confusing
but i did start by saying

i'm all shook up

it case that sounded ungood

it wasn't meant to

concrete poetry
is all

sometimes
it's what's needed

i don't know

part of what i love about you
is how you tell me
what you tell me
but
part of what
holds me
away
is
the
same

and
i always figure
really deep down
that you want me away
away, i am so much more
anything, in fact, that you could want

so

if you

want me

there are  many ways

i don't mean sexual, actually

though

i never intended to

live a life of sexual dessication

i guess that that is what i've chosen

and  that's not the thing you need to get right with me

does that make sense

yesterday

i was working

and i had the strangest sensation

the definite sense

of a phantom ring there

and i don't know where stuff like that

where does that come from, really

i'm a little worn

worse for wear

i love you

but i feel contingent

and i'm not even sure what

i mean by that

do you know what i mean

do you know what you mean

for what, ultimately, am i needed

i don't know

that

and

that

i need