my dad

i've thought about this
several times this week

when i was little
my dad did this thing
[mostly when he'd been drinking, i think]
it scared me

he would start
by hugging me to him

are you okay, he'd ask

yeah, i'm ok

he'd start to let go

are you sure you're okay

he'd grab me a little tighter
are you sure you're okay

yes yes, i'm fine
are you sure


until
i wasn't ok
i was actually kind of desperate
to get away from him
he was actually kind of hurting me
and definitely scaring me

i remember this
like it happened all the time
but
i think it may only have happened a few times
or
at least
only until i was about six

i don't know why i'm telling you this