OH

I REMEMBER 

when I'm describing 

my internal landscape 

MAYBE 

it gets a little metaphor-y--  I don't KNOW 

BUT 

SOME minority party

GAINING strength 

WITHIN the

CONSORTIUM 

DECLARES

WE the hereby undersigned

DECLARE that since our therapist 

CANNOT recognize THIS situation as CRAZY

WE DECLARE it to be ART

FIGHT US

SO

I guess I should just

CHUCK STUFF 

at it

WHO KNEW 

narrative voice could be a trigger

HELLO SHADOW 

OK

I READ a few pages of that HORROR book

ALOUD because 

I ALSO can't read silently 

when I'm in THIS state

&

ALMOST instantly 

I dislike the 

NARRATOR 

WHY

the WAY she SAYS things

SHE uses "The" cap-mid-sentence

I recognize a similarity to the WAY I USED to 

describe things

in stories

I would tell

I'm LIKE 

WHY does that make you

DISLIKE her

it reminds me of the time

when I performed 

my pain*

I think of that as somewhat distasteful 

& we're distancing

NOPE

LOOK AWAY

*I think we are talking about when I would tell anyone about anything**

**ok, that actually made me laugh out loud--  there's more to the sentence, but I laughed, ok, seriously, when I was a kid, I seemed always to have been doing this bit, ya know, like here's my STORY 

I THINK it started 

with somebody 

ASKING me

my parents got divorced when I was one and a half years old

& the FIRST memory 

I have of my MOTHER

was HIDING 

in the

CLOSET

saying tell her I went to China 

I'm sorry 

SOMETHING 

in the last bit I listened to 

buffet lines

mortality 

it coulda been something else

I'm melee dosed

& it sent me somewhere 

& I can't concentrate 

on the show

anymore 

I realized

the CONCEPT of 

a concert

with

animal sounds

& REVOLVER 

MIGHT be 

WHAT distracted ME 

I'm not THERE though 

I just got the

FLASH

that

THAT'S what DERAILED me

it was TOO EARLY for the CRAB CAKES

I didn't want to be SEEN 

as the FIRST ONE 

to be SEPARATING from the HERD

he is apparently 

SOME KIND

of CULT 

HERO

he's 

JUST

ENGAGING 

with his

FANS

I WOKE up

with this in my HEAD 

you have always had 

the world's beyond 

AVAILABLE to you

in the here and now

HELL 

is an easier

FREQUENCY to attain

I had SO many DREAMS 

& I think 

YOU 

we're IN them

BUT 

I can't remember anything 

NOW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you're having a beautiful day 💋

I am not very talkative today either, I guess 

I thought about 

WHAT I said 

about not wanting to 

MEET anyone 

I guess I got 

KINDA

caught up in THAT 

I think, at the TIME maybe I THOUGHT 

I DID want to MEET someone 

BUT 

I clearly see that I didn't want to 

I wanted to be in a place

I would FEEL like I 

BELONGED

I WANTED to BE

with other people 

BUT 

LIKE 

JUST in the 

MOMENT 

MAYBE 

I went through the class/orientation/whatever 

& when I went through the 

NEW MEMBERS ceremony 

SOMETHING 

that I didn't understand at the time

HAPPENED

& I was TOO freaked out to go BACK

I've been thinking about 

HOW in my HEAD 

I REALLY am

WHERE is the LINE with me

I'm NOT sure 

it's not 

LIKE 

I'm UNMOORED or anything 

I'm JUST not SURE 

that I KNOW 

AND 

I'm not super worried about it 

RIGHT NOW 

because I have faith that I'll figure it out

BUT 

MAYBE 

the STUFF I play out in my HEAD 

is AS REAL to ME 

as the things I 

KNOW are 

REAL

&

MAYBE that's a WRITER thing

I've been thinking all day

I THINK maybe 

thinking is what I DO

the predominant thing I do

& I don't think that's BAD 

BUT 

as I'm talking to myself about it

I'm nodding and saying a LOT of 

UH HUH 

BECAUSE 

there is SOME PART of me

that WANTS to be told the MISSION and is 

NOT interested in the 

PROCESS 

JUST wants

to KNOW 

NO ONE is gonna tell you the mission

& if they DID 

you wouldn't believe them

because WHO are THEY and WHAT do they KNOW and HOW do they KNOW it

I feel like 

I'm INTERACTING with 

SOMETHING inside 

that isn't QUITE my subconscious 

BUT 

isn't completely 

ACCESSIBLE to me

there's a WAY to work through THIS 

I'm WORKING through it 

BUT it

FEELS 

like it's taking forever 

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

YOU are the best 

& I'm sorry if

I'm worrying you 

💋💋👾🫚🍀❤️❤️

Imma sleep a little 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

SERIOUSLY 

deer poop diet

SERIOUSLY 

these people are pieces of work

edited

I'm in the top two hundred

in BRACKETS 

SO

I'm still in the running 

for toothpaste 

I thought was FUNNY 

TED WILLIAMS!!!

hulk hogan dropping his kids off at school 

ECLIPSE of MOTHS

SCURRY of SQUIRRELS 

LARKS is good too

I remember it being really cool over the top

I've got it tied to

SIGN LANGUAGE sermon

at MCC-R*

SO

it's LIKE 

hallelujah, ecclesiastes, I can't remember 

HANG on

EXALTATION of LARKS

*metropolitan community church of the resurrection which was an lgbtq church I went to a little bit, although that designation didn't exist at that time it was just gay church and I did like things about it because it believe it or not didn't get too christian-y it was trying to be church for everybody so it stayed general and talked more about god that jesus, but I think ultimately, I didn't really want to meet people and it got awkward 

MITTEN ARMAGEDDON 

MIGHT 

be the most

ADORABLE 

sports term I've ever heard 

I SEE the insufferable 

KNOW it ALL 

NOW 

f*CK it

I OWN that sh*t

WHAT is he

TALKING about 

ALL PURPOSE goddess

PERSEPHONE 

is a SPECIAL goddess

HOW 

do you NOT KNOW 

I MEAN 

I could SEE needing to 

BRUSH up

BEFORE hand

I'm not sure where to start

& I might mess up

the fiddlier bits

LIKE 

third grade mythology studies

BUT 

I may have ALREADY had her

from six year old

POMEGRANATE 

self study

PALACIOUS summer rental backyard 

she was the daughter of 

the earthy/harvest mother

she was a young beautiful maiden

& she was stolen by the

GOD of the UNDERWORLD 

her mother grieved for her so physically that

the world became barren and the people were starving and crying out to the gods

SO

they hauled HADES before the 

GOD court and were all LIKE 

WHAT the SERIOUS f*CK HADES

AND

HADES is LIKE 

WHATEVER loser gods

SHE ATE the FRUIT of the DEAD

SHE STAYS f*CKing DEAD

HOW MUCH of the FRUIT did she EAT

HADES is LIKE 

doesn't matter, ANY dead fruit is ENOUGH 

WE SAY NO

HOW MUCH

HADES is LIKE 

she's been here a HOT minute 

you think she's not eating 

DUDE, we're ONLY gonna ask

ONE MORE TIME 

& then we're done with you

THREE POMEGRANATE SEEDS

OK

THAT is NOT COOL 

YOU'RE ABUSING her with the no food thing

OK

PERSEPHONE gets

SPECIAL status

she's QUEEN of the UNDERWORLD okay

BUT 

she can go BETWEEN the WORLDS

she can VISIT her mother 

WHENEVER 

UNDERSTAND 

because what we REALLY care about

is that the f*CKing

HUMANS 

aren't SCREAMING about sh*t 

ALL the TIME

YOU are SUPER UNCOOL HADES

and you are SUPER LUCKY 

that we're even letting you keep your

RAPE WIFE at all

SO

we give her SPECIAL powers

to show MERCY and ASSISTANCE 

to the citizens of the UNDERWORLD 

AND

THIS BETTER 

ALL GO SMOOTHLY ENOUGH 

THAT WE

DON'T GOTTA HEAR

ANYTHING 

ABOUT it

OR

THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER it 

AND

WHY didn't they WIN

I'm gonna say it

AGAIN and

again and again and again 

BULLPEN 

those SONGS!

I MEAN 

two of them are

CORE

couldn't live without them

TWO

I haven't heard 

before 

LOVE them

& they are right there with my internal struggle 

BUT 

my attention is almost completely 

CAPTURED 

by that VENUS

my God

the contour and delicacy of the face

the just sheer BEAUTY 

the earrings almost moved me to tears

I can't EXPLAIN 

my reaction to it

the RAWness of Picasso's expression

Henry is so beautiful too

& I MEAN 

my mentor as a child

how much time I spent 

trying to emulate

his emotional control 

I had almost forgotten 

HOW much he meant to me

as a kid

CANNOT be overstated

I LOVE you SO MUCH 

ibsen I should really read more

I never really read plays

outside of a school

environment 

BUT 

I should maybe 

good I haven't been up long, but it's no longer morning 🫶

I got caught up 

in decompressing

from mom

BUT 

it's NOT like

it was HORRIBLE 

BUT 

I didn't want to go into TK

with that energy 

& I had been thinking about 

the city

SO

I worked on that

& tried to think how to explain it to you

 

& various bits

of it CAN be FREE

floating to the surface of my MIND 

I got so into THAT 

I'd have a hard time 

STAYING AWAKE 

I MIGHT do

ONE or the other 

I thought

I MAYBE screwed up 

THEN

maybe I want to give you

the real human experience 

instead of screaming 

at the television 

BUT 

THEN I didn't tell you about the city

OR listened to TK

I FEEL like I'm letting you down 

I FEEL LESS like

my calibration 

is out of whack

I'm not sure 

I think I still count that as an improvement 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I gotta go to sleep 

I wish I could show you 

HOW integrated 

YOU are to

my PSYCHE

it's LIKE 

whatever I do

EXPLAINING myself to you

SEEING the world 

as the adventure I'm having with you

you're REALLY important to me 

❤️

I called my mom 

when I first woke up

NO

I texted her

it took a while but we figured it out 

we went to murder by the book

& I also bought a book

I was looking at 

STAFF

PICKS

it jumped out at me

ROOT ROT

saskia nislow--  writer, ceramicist, & psychoanalytic training candidate, based in brooklyn, where they live with their partner and three cats

CREATURE publishing 

feminist discourse

& HORROR'S

commentary and catharsis

when I read THAT I thought--

YEAH, that's who's gonna publish your book

I saw my mom

I guess I already said about murder by the book

THIS book I bought

I'm not entirely certain 

I can HANDLE it

it was just

SO possibly perfect 

it's the perfect size for my hand

in FACT the BOOK is 

NOW 

SOME SORT of RITUAL object

I'm odd 

I got the STORY from my mom 

WHY she's OFF our regular 

LUNCH spot

she got the tomato basil soup

that I tell her NOT to get

SODIUM 

if TOMATO soup is GOOD 

then the sodium is TOO MUCH 

she asked the guy if it was included 

he said yeah

THEN 

she GETS the bill

NOT included 

she asks him

& he brings

SOMEONE 

to tell her it's not included 

she doesn't ASK to speak to a

MANAGER 

she spends a lot of money there

she has been disrespected 

I'm LIKE 

we've been going there for years 

they ALL 

KNOW you by name

they treat you

SPECIAL 

all the time 

one guy

screws one thing up

I MEAN talk to the

MANAGER if

you NEED to

& SHE'S LIKE 

I'll get there

I'm LIKE 

let me know when you're ready

the more I strike out

the more I think 

I need to hit

a home run

the more

I strike

out

is

playing

on low key

repeat in my head 

I can relate to that completely 

I LOVE baseball 

& I LOVE you 

Kathy asked a question about 

ARCHIVE 

I thought it was May not end of march

if it's possible 

to save

I would be eternally grateful 

BUT 

I think I'll be eternally grateful to you anyway 

SO

NOT sure how that changes

the equation 

it's an important time 

to all of us 

& her dad

❤️

I FEEL you

NOW 

&

I gotta go to sleep

I LOVE you 

SWEETHEART 💋 

👾🫚🍀❤️

VERY much

I thought I saw

SOMETHING message

BUT then

I couldn't find it 

I celebrated

with friends 

& saw 

the

FACE

of the one I love

NOW 

I'm worried I've missed 

SOMETHING 

BUT 

THEN

I'm LIKE 

normally, when you start THINKING like that

THEN you start CHANTING 

the world IS

what YOU 

EXPECT it to BE

in my town

SUBWAY

& busses

are

FREE

AND

the HEALTH 

& SCIENCE 

RESEARCH

CENTER 

is the next phase of development 

I spent the better part of the day

building a neighborhood 

possibly 

this is a waste of time

BUT 

I find it

SATISFYING 

the aesthetic is 

unusual

it's a combination of 

minimalist Japanese components 

and eastern european modernist

not full on brutalist

the neighborhood is called

BITSY GARDENS

because it autogenerated something gardens

& I changed it to BITSY 

I wanted to just have a couple of the japanese 

house styles

because SOME of them

are VERY minimal 

& really could be 

ANYWHERE 

BUT 

I found that to be too hard to pull off

so some of them are a little more

SPECIFICALLY Japanese than

I had envisioned 

there's VERY little GRASS, it's mostly sand

with giant ROCKS

LIKE 

one big rock garden

with single family homes scattered through 

the outer ring street of the neighborhood 

is lined with mixed use retail/housing

small post office (basic)

small fire (Japan)

small police (Japan)

welfare office (Japan)

the middle has a small elementary (eastern euro)

a playground & a community pool

the next section down 

has

apartments (Japan)

& a couple of high-rises (eastern euro)

& a tennis court that came in

RED CLAY

since everything was sand

there is extra land

NOT developed

just ROCKS

& sand

it's 

VERY striking

LOOKING into the neighborhood from

the busy street

driving by 

I'm pretty pleased

I only left grass

in the block 

with the

elementary school 

SOME of the yards have grass

MOST are that sand-y shade

I am going through 

the different

VERSIONS 

my town hall is eastern euro across from

the german train station 

they don't match

BUT

they KINDA work together

north eastern US 

ALSO 

I ENJOY building 

the environment 

there's a TRANSIT center 

& there is going to be a 

SHOPPING district 

there's a DECO department store

which employs eight hundred people 

that's a signature building 

from the german pack

it's gonna be the

center piece

I'm telling myself 

this is going to

help me

MOVE

from talking about INTERNAL blah blah

it describing a thing I built in my HEAD 

possibly I'm kidding myself 

did I ever tell you about

the amusement 

PARK

I mean that was LIKE fifteen years ago 

the JUMP LIFT elevators

played Dan Bern songs

LOUDLY

I ENJOY to

BUILD worlds

MAYBE 

I'm having trouble with 

SOME aspect 

of the Munchee

I WANT to tell you stories about THAT 

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I'm getting 

COFFEE ☕ 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

WHAT'S up with 

THIS GUY?!

I've been thinking about this thing from my past

charlotte met one of my

german class friends

who I was pretty

good friends 

with

I was in the campus bookstore 

with ONE of them

& the OTHER 

BUMPED into US 

the quickly

AGREED

that you couldn't talk to me about

ANYTHING 

OR

I would just tell you

how you were

WRONG 

because I had JUST seen a

DOCUMENTARY 

ABOUT it

it

HURT

ME

&

it didn't make

SENSE

if somebody tells me 

ABOUT 

something 

I f*CKing

ASSUME you have an interest in that thing

SO

MY natural REACTION to THAT

would be to tell you

ABOUT 

the DOCUMENTARY 

I've just SEEN 

SURE 

BUT 

whatever I'm telling you about the documentary 

HOW is that ME telling you 

YOU'RE WRONG 

THEY 

BOTH 

AGREED

I'm some kind of insufferable 

KNOW it ALL 

MAYBE 

they were 

JOKING 

periodically I take it out

& reassess

I dispense TOO 

MUCH information 

NOBODY likes information, maybe

I told donna 

WAY too MUCH 

STUFF 

about coffee, and wine, and the scientific research into nutritional 

health initiatives

she TOOK a FEW

NOTES

& she STARTED 

with making me teach her

HOW to BREW

a french press

OH

speaking of being 

BIG 

BUT 

still getting easily hurt

ALTHOUGH 

in fairness, at that point I wasn't that big

when I was in elementary school 

they would make us

RUN laps

for PE

& my 

KNEES 

would do this thing

LIKE 

it slightly bent the wrong way or SOMETHING 

it hurts

& I'd end up

JACKING up my knee

I CONTINUED to 

have issues with my knees

SO

even if I hadn't been built like a line backer

DANCING probably 

NEVER could

WORKED

BLAH blah blah 

I just found out

ADHD

TENDS

to "hyper-mobile" stretchy sh*t

WHICH 

maybe can present as sh*t bends the wrong way 

obviously 

SPECULATION 

my mother explained it 

THUSLY 

your WARRANTY 

RAN OUT

when you were

thirteen 

we are HERE to

MAKE $$$$$$

NO

NOT April first

I STRONGLY 

OBJECT

I KINDA like 

MARCH 

twenty seventh

BUT 

if you GOTTA make it 

APRIL, then

NOT 

april fools day

WTF grandpa

OPENING day

NICE db CALL OUT

damn right!

SPORTS!

knowledge!

my mom 

AFTER 

the hornet

got this tomato red

Volvo station wagon 

& whenever she would come to pick me up

every other weekend 

every other thursday 

the back seat

& MAYBE 

floorboards

COKE cans

& HERSHEY 

CHOCOLATE 

wrappers

I think 

Nigel is making this up

OR

re-framing something 

like an alarm set

in his MIND 

SO

that he can identify with TK on this

BUT 

of course 

I don't KNOW 

THERE'S ALWAYS 

THE CHANCE 

is there

JUST 

SUCH

an INTENSE

LOOK 

I REALLY 

LOVE it

& it made me thing

"one day I'm gonna get off in van meter"

(throw a rock against the side of a barn)*

* I didn't want to use quotes

BECAUSE 

I might have those words wrong

I'm fixin to listen to TK

❤️

good morning sweetheart 💋

I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶

I don't KNOW what I think about today 

I FEEL like 

therapy went

BOTH 

good & bad, somehow 

AND 

I just KINDA 

shorted out

it went all over

it thought

a BUNCH a things

I'm NOT depressed or sad or hopeless 

I'm not JUMPING around

I'm generally 

FINE 

BUT 

I don't think 

I can articulate 

ANYTHING COHERENT 

I don't think 

THAT is 

I feel KINDA 

WEIRD about that

I think 

I should already be asleep 

I'm going to donna's 

I think I just became 

UNMOORED 

AGAIN 

I just am NOT sure 

WHY

I couldn't get my therapist to 

UNDERSTAND 

WHAT 

I was talking about 

& THEN

I couldn't make the security guard understand me

AND

it's HOT 

& I FEEL FAT

it's just not

SYNCHRONIZED 

I'm at the wrong frequency 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

goodnight sweetheart 💋👾🫚🍀❤️

GENIUS 

& FUN 

I went back and listened 

several more times

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I've been thinking about 

tiny houses

& earth ships

UNDERGROUND 

covert domiciles

DUG out

COVERED in turf

LIKE 

a SECRET lair

I've been trying to think

what do I need

what can I handle 

I haven't reached any conclusions 

I've only really 

OVERWHELMED myself 

ALSO 

what I mean about my mom 

not wanting to contemplate the ramifications 

I tend to judge

I don't WANT 

to JUDGE

I tend to think

everyone has this SPARK of the DIVINE 

I WANT that to be TRUE 

KINDA

believe it 

UNTIL I 

come face to face

with the

I'm LOOKING and I CAN'T SEE it

& THEN 

I don't LIKE 

where I GO with THAT 

THAT'S what I MEAN 

NOT 

that I can't acknowledge that 

she can't really love me

PROBABLY 

I WANTED to UNDERSTAND 

BUT 

I don't FEEL like 

ANY of it is

HER

really 

I have a hard time explaining it 

I don't know what direction to go

in fact

Donna and I have been talking for a while 

& I think we've identified each other 

as having similarities 

we both have red hair

we're both

KINDA

not

very

girlie 

she does have a kid though

& three grandkids

we've been talking politics 

the pandemic LOCKDOWN affected us both

pretty hard

in fact

I guess we first started talking

when she had her show at archway 

that was all stuff she did

in LOCKDOWN 

I bought a couple works on paper 

& she had more she said

I could look at

she's about fifteen years older than me, I think 

she's had some aging stuff 

that KINDA 

took her by surprise 

I think 

with her bones

I was talking to her

about all the things I'm trying 

to mitigate damage 

I expect to have

she asked me

what makeup I had worn last time 

I looked pretty tired today

BUT 

I'd looked great last time

I found this

SO FUNNY 

I can remember a time

when that would have offended me 

I'm LIKE 

I'm wearing basically the same thing today

BUT 

I was better rested

& wearing concealer 

I told her all the stuff 

the concealer isn't really concealer 

it's tarte Amazonian clay 16hr full coverage 

I use that if I need coverage anywhere

the rest is light reflective pigment 

which I love

I think it looks more natural 

it might not

I might look like a f*CKing light bulb 

it doesn't really matter 

I project whatever 

I FEEL like 

I do it for ME 

NOBODY really 

LOOKS at you

they just

FEEL 

your 

VIBE

I mean they MIGHT see you

BUT 

it's really not that common

at least it seems that way to me

ALSO

CHANTING

114

because that's where he has to

PAY

they call in his 

MARKERS

at 114

he's UP

11points today

SO

NO evidence of answered prayers

BUT 

I am undissuaded 

I keep wanting to scream 

NATIONALIZE 

STAR LINK

I'm not sure that that is 

CONSISTENT 

with my 

POLITICAL philosophy 

it's PROBABLY my

VERSION 

of CARNEY JUSTICE

BUT 

STILL 

I LOVE you 

HOW are you 

SO COOL 

❤️

BUT 

that DAN BERN song

wasn't it FABULOUS 

❤️

I don't like his SHIRTS

I EAT MEAT, I DON'T COOK it

HE MUST have grown up in the MID WEST

can't compete with GARCIA 

what a tour de force

CLASSY

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

HOPEFULLY 

FUNNER talk

LATER 

I'm not sure what's going on 

with donna 

I MEAN 

obviously 

she wants help 

BUT 

she might be 

ALSO 

trying to get to KNOW me better

I'm not sure 

if I'm really available for friendship 

REALLY 

I KNOW that sounds WEIRD 

I DO like her

I just don't have a lot of bandwidth 

MAYBE I will 

BUT 

not really right now 

BUT 

it feels like 

GOOD practice 

& I AM KINDA enjoying the 

ORGANIZATION 

she has a nice space

& she has it well laid out

it's REALLY just

DETERIORATED over time

& she could do it herself 

BUT 

it's demoralizing 

& I have this 

LIKE 

SPECIAL ABILITY 

to fit things into spaces

I am not really sure what is special about it 

it's JUST the WAY that 

MAKES SENSE 

to ME 

BUT 

I've been TOLD it's somehow 

SPECIAL 

SO we'll GO with THAT

I am NOT finding it

BORING 

ALSO

in FAIRNESS 

those conversations 

we're small mentions, not something 

I FOCUSED on 

& NOBODY ever

SEEMS to 

UNDERSTAND me

it's ANOTHER case

LIKE 

when I'm translating myself and it causes offense

SO

LIKE 

to ME

WE'VE COVERED it, but I understand that 

MIGHT not even be right 

BUT 

it seems extra sh*tty to say

BE LIKE I WANT 

when he's all

psychologically f*CKed UP

over his mother's death 

SO

LIKE 

when my therapist mentions 

HOW fabulously wealthy 

he is

it BOTHERS me 

WHY

I'm NOT SURE 

there's a BUNCH of STUFF 

BUT I'm not sure if anything I might say

would be the thing, ya KNOW 

SOMETIMES it's 

talk-y talk-y 

it's RUDE 

I've explained to him

my FEAR

he's describing, sometimes, his leverage 

as head of the estate

OVER his family

I find THAT 

a little triggering 

AND

WHILE all this is HAPPENING 

I'm LIKE 

SHUT UP m*therf*cker

don't CHARGE me

to rub my face

in your

PRIVILEGE 

BUT 

I don't SAY that

WHY

I MEAN 

I have TOLD him 

I have ISSUES around this

I have told him I haven't really worked 

THOSE issues OUT 

I'm pretty sure

I made clear I wasn't particularly interested in 

WORKING through them now

SO

I'd have to maybe BE confrontational 

& THAT

MAYBE FEELS like 

ACT LIKE I WANT you to

SO

MAYBE 

you see how I'm wondering if 

it's SOME kind of 

WEIRD transference THING 

I MEAN 

I think I like him enough 

& FEEL like 

it's just not worth 

SAYING SOMETHING 

BUT 

THAT MIGHT be a PATTERN in me

I MIGHT need to re-evaluate

BUT 

SURELY 

being confrontational is not a virtue 

it FEELS like 

getting caught up in something irrelevant 

EXCEPT 

if it bothers you

it MEANS something 

I don't think it's jealousy 

BUT 

I could be wrong 

I have this weird conglomeration of STUFF 

LIKE 

ALL the TIME 

I hear some version of 

I'm not good enough 

BUT 

NOT like

I don't have x,y,z SKILLS

LIKE 

I'M NOT GOOD enough 

I am FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED

if people KNEW 

HOW I REALLY am

blah blah blah

I don't really understand that 

I don't mean to be insensitive about it

I GET it 

I have insecurities 

ABOUT 

THINGS I have trouble with 

ABOUT 

THINGS I have no aptitude for 

BUT not MY SELF 

there's a WAY 

in which I 

FEEL myself as

idk

ETERNAL, DIVINE, part of EVERYTHING 

ALTHOUGH 

NOT THAT DRAMATICALLY 

NOT 

believe it or not 

IN RELATION to anyone else 

I DON'T think of myself in COMPARISON 

ALTHOUGH 

of course, I guess I DO

ALL the TIME 

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

that's DIFFERENT 

MAYBE 

it's an ATTITUDE difference 

MAYBE 

I'm just CONFUSED 

or full of sh*t

NOW 

POSSIBLY 

this is one hundred percent true

POSSIBLY 

it was something 

TOLD to her 

to HURT her

BUT 

the REST of the STORY is BAD too

& the ESCAPE from it

was a determined

BATTLE 

EXCEPT 

she never really escaped it

I GUESS 

I'm not sure 

the reason she looks immediately 

for the THING she can TAKE AWAY 

is because the ONLY WAY

she can DEAL with 

PEOPLE 

is

some kind of POWER or LEVERAGE 

she can't*

*at least I'm postulating she can't;  I haven't ever seen any evidence that she can

put herself in someone else's perspective 

EMPATHIZE how someone else 

would FEEL

SHE doesn't LIKE 

THIS here NOW 

she can't be at FAULT 

NOTHING is her 

FAULT 

BUT 

in this CASE

FAULT would not come up

WOULDN'T LOOK 

that DEEP

SHE doesn't LIKE 

THIS here NOW 

SHE has a LEVERAGE 

ALWAYS 

YOU 

BE the WAY I LIKE YOU 

SHE DOESN'T WANT 

to KNOW me at all

it doesn't 

MAKE SENSE to me 

it's LIKE 

it isn't possible for her to KNOW me

& MAYBE 

SOME of that is 

I'm this weird type of person that it's hard to know

BUT 

I don't FEEL like 

she KNOWS anybody 

& THEN I'm LIKE 

DO YOU 

REALLY know anybody 

& I'm LIKE 

WHY are you being an apologist

& I'm LIKE 

I'm NOT comfortable with the alternative 

AND

I'm not even comfortable with 

the EXPLORATION 

to FIND the ALTERNATIVE 

my mother's mother 

was married to a man who DRANK 

& possibly BEAT her

for SOME number

of YEARS

she DIVORCED him

since she hadn't had children 

she assumed she couldn't 

I don't know if she wanted them

BUT 

when HENRY didn't 

WANT any

WANTED instead to have a LIFE 

FILLED with all the 

THINGS & STYLES of LIFE 

one MIGHT afford

WITHOUT 

children 

SHE 

was ON BOARD

BUT 

THEN

she turned out to be FERTILE after all

& MY MOM 

RUINED 

THEIR 

LIVES

AND

what I felt compelled to do 

YESTERDAY 

BUT 

didn't WANT to 

WAS

to KINDA 

tell my mom's STORY 

BUT 

MAYBE 

it's worth doing 

I'm not gonna lie 

I'm NOT 

SUPER 

UP

I REALLY wanted to 

FEEL some

KIND of 

idk, breakthrough, or closure, or something 

about my mom

I FEEL like 

I've reached a place 

I'm not REALLY 

HAPPY about 

with ALL 

my

FAMILY 

I MEAN 

ya know how

when you die

supposedly you go through a tunnel and come out where all your people are there to greet you

I don't really want to do that 

AND

I heard this rainbow bridge story about

when your pets die

they WAIT for 

YOU 

AND

it made me SAD

I don't THINK 

MOST

of my animal family would enjoy each other

I don't want them to have to wait around 

for ME 

I just want them to be happy

SEE

I'm in a WEIRD mood 

I slept 

for FOURTEEN hours 

BUT 

I STILL 

FEEL 

EXHAUSTED

&

I don't REMEMBER what I DREAMED 

BUT 

SO MUCH 

DREAMING 

I don't know what to say 

I've been 

THINKING 

& I've

NOT 

got

it

I did go to donna's 

I just don't know what I want to say about it 

I sorted some*

*because I haven't finished

of her paintings

by SIZE

her idea

it's gonna be 

AWESOME 

I asked her if she would make coffee

& she did

THEN

she asked me LATER if I wanted MORE coffee

BECAUSE 

she wants me to want to come back

I'm LIKE 

is this REALLY that helpful to you

& she's LIKE 

YES!

I'm falling asleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶 

👾🫚🍀❤️

I need to go to sleep 

I FEEL like 

there was

MORE

I specifically wanted to say 

BUT 

I can't remember 

& I'm going to Donna's

TOMORROW 

I'm a little less

ENTHUSIASTIC 

I feel like I have 

MORE

PROCESSING 

& I WISH 

BUT 

putting it off

SOMEHOW 

makes

EVERYTHING 

WORSE

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚🍀❤️

I READ 

the ingredients list

it is an UPLIFT chemical 

THIS 

🔥🔥🔥

I watched some YouTube 

weightlifting older woman talking about stuff 

& the guy asked her what bars she liked

her FACE

LIT UP 

BARBELLS 

she said

she mentioned other brands I hadn't heard of 

& I don't KNOW 

whether I would have 

REMEMBERED 

or SPECIFICALLY sought them OUT 

BUT 

I was at the HEB and I SAW them

on an END CAP

BUY TWO 

get one

FREE

she had

WHISPERED 

birthday cake 

beneath her breath

perhaps not even ABOUT this brand 

AND

it WORKED on me

LIKE that

bene gesserit mind control 

I didn't LOOK to SEE the PRICE

I didn't LOOK to SEE ingredients 

I LOOKED at calories 210

I LOOKED at protein 20

twenty is high for a BAR

two ten is

thirty higher than I'd like

BUT 

it's 

a desert 

SO

this morning 

BEFORE I got out of bed

I did my whole

GRATITUDE 

& affirmations thing

where I am also grateful for the awesome day

I'm gonna have 

my mom was coming at 1:15

I mean not really 

that was the planned time

BUT 

I knew it would be 

AFTER that 

BUT 

it was pretty close

BUT 

THEN

when I got in the car

we were suddenly not going to the place we always go for lunch

& something else changed too, I think 

& I freaked out a little 

& raised my voice

& she's all LIKE 

if that's what the therapy is getting me

I'm gonna stop paying for it 

right now

SO

we're at lunch

& I'm not talking 

& she's LIKE 

TRY 

not to be angry at me

& I'm LIKE 

I'm NOT ANGRY

I'm just thinking about how

I got upset

& RATHER than ask me

if I'm okay 

or ANYTHING 

YOU 

GO IMMEDIATELY to 

how you're going to 

TAKE AWAY 

FROM ME 

SOMETHING that is HELPFUL to me 

AND

THAT

makes me SAD more than anything 

AND

I'm just processing 

HOW I got from my 

GRATITUDE meditation

& my expectations for a great day

to THIS

BUT 

of course 

she doesn't get it

I understand her enough 

I'm not interested in 

FIGURING her out

ANYMORE 

THAT is WHO she IS

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

he didn't 

REALLY 

UNDERSTAND what I was talking about*

I MEAN, really

for real for real not a clue what I was talking about 

it was

KINDA

CRUSHING

*the not libbi and betsee, but rather the jarring nature of the move from world A to world B and 

I don't FEEL like 

he ENGAGES

with how my mind works

I FEEL like 

there is SOMETHING I 

EXPECT

that he is NOT GIVING me 

I'm not sure what exactly 

BUT 

I'm considering 

LOOKING for 

somebody 

else

NOW 

what is THIS 

ABOUT 

MAYBE 

you wanted to be TOLD 

that was a BRILLIANT analysis 

this is a huge

BREAKTHROUGH 

I don't THINK I CARE about that 

MAYBE 

you WANTED to look at him

& KNOW that he

UNDERSTOOD 

what you

we're

TELLING him

YES I did want that

AND 

you FEEL like 

in general

you can TELL 

if the person you're talking to 

UNDERSTANDS you

YES

do you THINK you MIGHT get that wrong 

I'm SURE I HAVE

BUT 

it's a STRENGTH 

NOT a weakness, so probably

NOT 

OFTEN

I just watched

some theories

& they aren't resonating

I KNOW 

I have this

VERY strong 

RICH is BAD

I KNOW 

I'm blocking myself 

with internal

SCRIPTS

I don't KNOW 

LIKE 

the SPECIFICS

BUT 

I'm pretty sure that process is going on

& I've KNOWN 

ABOUT 

THAT

LONGER than I've known you 

I don't think 

THAT'S 

my problem 

I'm not TRYING to get RICH

MAYBE 

MY THING

with MONEY 

is LIKE 

my thing

with GENDER

THAT 

FEELS 

MORE right

EVEN though 

I can't 

EXPLAIN yet

I'm not sure what to say about therapy 

SO

I'm gonna talk about 

SOMETHING ELSE 

I have just SEEN a THING that

I GUESS I've KINDA 

HEARD before 

BUT 

I recognize it as being PART of the stuff andros was saying 

that I couldn't 

UNDERSTAND 

when he said the people 

who didn't want the

JAB

we're UNWORTHY 

to ENGAGE 

with their

FELLOW HUMANS 

& I'm LIKE 

WAIT 

WHAT 

I think I remember that different 

I remember him saying, basically 

THIS is the ANSWER 

to getting things

BACK to NORMAL 

it's SAFE

& FREE

if you don't want to do THAT I got NOTHING 

BUT 

WHAT did he say

I remember being 

KINDA 

pissed that it was just supposed to back 

to there was no danger

EVERYBODY 

GO BACK 

to FULL 

CONTACT 

I DO remember that 

I was VERY resistant to THAT 

BUT 

I SEE how there

REALLY 

wasn't any other way

& I wasn't SCARED of the VACCINE 

the way they're stating it 

FEELS to me

disingenuous 

maybe that's unfair, maybe it is totally genuine 

BUT 

TWO questions--

1) It seems to me that although it MIGHT 

NOT be WHAT you WANT 

to HEAR

& it MIGHT NOT have been 

as RESPECTFUL 

as you would 

have LIKED 

It SEEMS 

REALISTIC 

to ME 

WHAT 

is the thing you would have LIKED him to SAY--  LIKE the RIGHT answer

2) If you're concerned ABOUT 

your HEALTH 

HOW 

is there NOT an 

OBVIOUS 

DANGER in t*ump being re-elected

TO YOUR HEALTH 

BECAUSE 

when I listen to this

STUFF 

I just think it all sounds 

LIKE 

they don't REALLY 

UNDERSTAND 

ANYTHING 

& the ANSWERS are TAKING POINTS 

BUT 

THAT'S what 

that guy

said

to

ME

BUT 

I don't particularly like the Democrats

AS SUCH 

I'm SURE I'm NOT in their CULT

this is freaky gaslighting 

SOME KINDA WAY

I probably gotta 

FIGURE out 

WHAT is going on with my

issues with WEALTH 

I TAKE it SOMEHOW 

PERSONALLY 

I have something wrong with me

it's not JUST the

INJUSTICE 

ANGLE

I got a BEEF with people

with money

& I'm FINE with that, generally 

BUT 

THIS is 

FEELS like 

SOMETHING I need to

UNDERSTAND 

my lack of understanding 

gives it

POWER over me

that comment I felt bad about

CRICKETS

SEE

I told you

NOBODY cares

in a world of trolls

you are

too tame to be

BOTHERSOME 

MAYBE 

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

WELL 

I'm clearly 

WORKING through 

SOMETHING 

BUT 

I don't KNOW how COHERENT all that was

I gotta go to sleep 

I hope I wasn't 

ALARMING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I'm not trying to 

be SHOCKing 

OR

I MEAN 

maybe I am feeling like 

there isn't a reason 

NOT to just

SAY the thing 

BUT 

I realize 

MAYBE I SOUND

SCARY

when I do that

I have WITNESSED myself 

scaring men

BUT 

I never was trying to SCARE them

& I don't REALLY understand 

WHY they WERE 

SCARED

I figured 

MAYBE 

I GAVE them

MY DAD'S 

ANGRY 

LOOK 

I'm NOT trying to give you 

that looks

in FAIRNESS 

to my therapist 

he ALSO 

MIGHT 

REALLY have NOT wanted to go to the doctor 

& was looking for ME 

to give him 

COVER 

he has

WEIRD avoidance PATTERNS 

I haven't had enough 

DATA points

to effectively 

MAP

I said something 

on social media again 

TODAY

& I FEEL rude NOW 

it was not necessary 

BUT 

I WANTED to say it

& WHATEVER 

NOBODY 

cares

this woman

she's a LIFTER 

& men do the stuff they do

& she trolls them

& it's just

LIKE 

this WHOLE unapologetically 

NONE of THIS 

is FOR anyone OTHER 

than ME

it's SUCH an unacceptable thing somehow 

AND

this one person 

who may be

a woman

it wasn't OBVIOUSLY a man

was saying 

HEY they're RESPONDING to 

the giant CHIP you have on your SHOULDER 

which in fairness 

probably isn't 

WRONG 

BUT 

YOU have NO IDEA

HOW hard it is to KEEP men off you

EVEN when you are doing 

EVERYTHING you can

to NOT look

APPEALING 

&

I TOOK issue 

with this idea that she should

HAVE to

SMILE more

basically 

MAYBE 

I came off

LOOKING CRAZY 

BUT 

I said some sh*t about 

HOW

YEAH SURE 

some men will treat you like you're human

BUT 

SOMETHING about

IMPINGING (maybe) and how

EXHAUSTING 

it is to hold space for men

& she should take her OWN ADVICE 

ABOUT "unappealing behavior"

& SHUT UP 

HE

does a GOOD CARVEL 

---------------------------------------

he's WORKING in

SO MUCH

TK

I WISH I could 

REMEMBER 

what he did last year

-----------------------------------------

GAUNTLET 

seems to me

had to follow you last year

you'll make ALL the 

TOOTHPASTE 

----------------------------------

I inexplicably LOVE brackets

-------------------------------------------------

he's doing it in RHYME 

THAT an

HOMAGE

dude

WINE CHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIVE me a BREAK 

on CAROLINA 

coming in

-------------------------------

WHAT'S to HATE

about

MICHIGAN 

it's a pretty good school 

OH 

STOP

----------------------------------------

NEEK CLIFFORD (?)

------------------------------------

VELERO texas open

allows you 

to go to

BOTH

-----------------------------------

I don't 

UNDERSTAND 

the quad thing

----------------------------

is he saying 

they

THREW

the GAME 

-----------------------------

Phil's mom

I remember Phil's mom 

I don't think she

KNOWS

MUCH

ABOUT basketball 

BAY-LOR

we don't NEED LIBERTY 

is he MEANING to be 

a CONDESCENDING *sshole

WHY

is he getting her bracket

HOW 

did this tradition start

she was Phil's mom 

Phil was-- I want to say--  a player?

am I right 

OR

is that a fiction 

I CREATED 

louiSville 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

SEE

for me

I FIGURE 

SOME number

of unbelievable things

ARE TRUE

BUT 

it's probably 

NOT going to be 

a VERY large

NUMBER 

ya know 

edited

I WOKE up 

& my therapist had

JUST 

texted me

LIKE 

five minutes before 

RESCHEDULING 

EXCEPT 

NOT 

EXACTLY 

his thyroid doctor WANTED him to come in

for ANOTHER 

MRI

because he had some 

WEIRD result

COULD I 

come in Thursday 

OR

he could tell them he couldn't come in

WHAT 

I'm gonna SAY

YEAH f*CK your MRI buddy

you GET your happy *SS up here and listen to ME 

BUT 

I MEAN 

it is STARTING to FEEL like 

it MUST be a 

TEST

of SOME kind 

I MEAN 

my assessment of him is that that could not possibly be the case

BECAUSE 

I do not believe he thinks about it that 

DEEPLY 

or remembers my finer points

OR understands me

WELL enough 

BUT 

I GUESS 

I could WANT that for him

I mentioned that I didn't believe 

a much higher percentage 

of what he was

SAYING 

he was saying 

his family 

owned an island

in the caymans 

THIS 

I don't have trouble believing 

BUT 

he was telling me this STORY about 

PRINCE CHARLES 

on the last voyage of the Britannia 

or WHATEVER it was called

he got that right

MAYBE 

timing seemed wrong 

BUT maybe 

they JUST STOPPED by the island 

decided to PLAY for the DAY

did not CHECK 

with anybody 

FIRST

THEY

he & his sister 

we're on the bigger island 

decided they wanted to play too

SO

they rounded up three more twenty something 

young women and hit the island 

SECURITY SAID NO

they CALLED Charles and he said come on

THEY PARTIED 

with charles 

TOOK a BUNCH of ROLLS of FILM

AFTER being TOLD 

NOT to

& THEN we're OFFERED fifty thousand dollars for 

the ROLLS of FILM*

I MEAN, SURE 

I guess it's possible 

DO you HAVE any of those PICTURES 

I ask, I would REALLY like to SEE them

SOMEWHERE 

I find THIS 

ALMOST unbelievable 

it's NOT, really 

WHY do you need to 

KEEP up with

all your 

OLD

stuff

EXCEPT he's technically charging me 

to listen to THIS STORY 

SO

HOW 

does he not have a photo

ON HIS WALL 

I don't REALLY care 

I'm not sure 

WHY

he was telling me that STORY 

I sort of THINK it was 

CONNECTED

to his telling me about 

HOW 

he had dual citizenship and could therefore

ESCAPE 

if things get BAD

WHICH 

OF COURSE they WON'T and I'm just worrying 

UNNECESSARILY 

HE'S NOT 

WORRIED, but he'll be fine with all his money and resources which I do not have access to

BUT he doesn't have the decency to 

NOT 

I'm wondering if 

I'm doing 

therapy 

right

I FEEL like 

I'm making progress 

BUT 

I am not SURE 

WHY

I would FEEL like 

he's just making sh*t up

I MEAN 

I am pretty sure 

I'm not trying to undermine the process 

I guess it COULD be 

WEIRD 

transference 

or 

something 

BUT 

it FEELS 

JUST like

my NORMAL reading someone as making sh*t up

I just don't understand why he would be 

SO

it's distracting 

BECAUSE 

MAYBE 

my TRUSTING him

is IMPORTANT 

AND

if it's NOT 

then WHAT is he DOING 

I MEAN 

MAYBE I just need to be 

COMFORTABLE 

TALKING to 

him

*this is the edited part-- they said no they were keeping the film, and the security detail and charles were like fine no problem you just keep that film with charles partying with four twenty something young girls and a gay guy, what could possibly go wrong 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

🍀👾🫚🍀

the WAR

AGAINST 

blue

DYE

number one

is NOT LIMITED to 

YOUR 

toothpaste 

THAT

WAS

BEAUTIFUL 

WHAT is this WINE

TORR

HIGH FIVE

connective tissue baby

f*CKing

JULIA CHILD

OK

challenge accepted 

I have to do

POTATO chips 

& WINE

I'm thinking 

I had this

ROSe sangria 

at that place I used to go

it had a BIG sprig

of ROSEMARY 

MAYBE 

jalapeno chips

BUT 

THAT 

is NOT 

what she MEANT

SHE

MEANS 

with a WINE

you're DRINKING --  AS WINE 

I don't really ever 

JUST casually

CRACK open 

WINE

for

SOME

REASON 

my

GO

TO

is TEQUILA 

I have this FANCY bottle

of wine barrel aged

TEQUILA 

will THAT 

WORK

you're LOUD

you're LARGE

DON'T 

EVER

CHANGE 

THIS

is what it looked like

when my mom first took me

THIS

is what it looks like

NOW 

do you think 

I should 

BUY

a GUN

do you

THINK

it's gonna come 

to THAT 

there's a place

CLOSE to me

USED to be a bookstore 

had a *$ where I was assistant manager 

for one week

CLAIMS

to be the BIGGEST 

or maybe 

BEST

GUN

store

in the world

I took in 

NEWS

THAT 

was my 

REACTION 

WELL 

that was good

I LOVE egg custard 

there HAVE been times

I ate at the cafeteria and didn't get custard 

BUT 

NOT MANY 

I am not even TEMPTED by

the giant 

SLABS

of CAKE

I DON'T like

CREME BRULEE 

it's TOO RICH

& would probably 

still give me intestinal distress

I can't handle 

CREAM

although 

whipped cream is okay

in small amounts 

I don't really 

LIKE it

WHAT 

I would have gotten

if they HAD it

LIVER & onions

BUT 

I really like CABBAGE 

I forget HOW much

when I was a kid

I used to get

KUSHAW*

BUT 

nobody has that anymore 

SO

YELLOW SQUASH casserole 

*it's a squash that they cooked with something that made it almost like sweet potato sweetness, but the texture is lighter like a summer squash, although I'm pretty sure it's a gourd

I stopped at 

CLEBURNE cafeteria 

& got corned beef

for st. patrick's day

I was slightly 

sticker shocked

I did get an additional vegetable 

+ TEA

+ CUSTARD

= thirty six ten

BUT 

CLEBURNE cafeteria 

IS KINDA 

UPSCALE I guess

& corned beef is SPECIAL for the holiday

I didn't COME for the corned beef

SPECIFICALLY 

I just wanted cafeteria 

for the childhood 

VIBES

WELL 

I got my wires crossed 

I THOUGHT I was supposed to help Donna today 

I texted her and said 

I'm planning to be there between 11-11:15

& I THOUGHT 

THAT was her opportunity to say

NO no, not today 

if she didn't want to 

BUT 

my number doesn't have 

MY NAME 

attached to it

SO

she just thought

I was the person she had plans with today

SO

I painted some

& if I'm still here

when she finishes 

I said we could work some

BUT 

I have a headache now

SO

probably not 

shoulda ALREADY been

ASLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀

ALSO 

I don't KNOW if 

I've ever adequately explained

BECAUSE 

it's NOT 

ENTIRELY clear to ME 

BUT 

it's SOMETHING 

LIKE 

the ME that

CLEANS

& the

ME

that WRITES

are NOT the SAME me

BUT --  NOT 

LIKE 

I'm libbi and that's betsee 

MORE like 

WHEN I'm doing THAT 

MY WORLD 

revolves around THAT 

& it's JARRING 

that it can't ever all be the SAME world

I'm trying to 

FIND

the WORLD 

I don't KNOW ever 

HOW much SENSE 

ANY of this makes 

TRYING to describe 

SUBJECTIVE INTERNAL landscapes

OH

I dreamed 

I was MIXING some special 

KIND of 

INK

I did

A LOT MORE 

CHORES

BUT 

I have a MAINTENANCE issue 

THAT 

CREATES URGENCY 

which

ALWAYS helps

I ALSO think that the pandemic LOCKDOWN 

BROKE my

whatever you call

the masking overlay that let's me

BE amongst 

the HUMANS 

&

THEN 

all the STUFF with my mom

DID

SOMETHING ELSE 

AND

so NOW 

I'm all LIKE 

WHEN did I GET LIKE THIS 

BUT 

I was NEVER like this

AND

there is a natural human tendency--  I think 

to think that NORMAL or RIGHT 

or WHATEVER 

should be CHECKED against LAST SAVED copy

BUT 

I'm not even sure that's what we do, ever

I LOVE you 

I'm sorry I haven't been talking as much

I FEEL like 

EVEN with the added URGENCY 

I MAYBE worked myself around 

I THOUGHT 

ABOUT 

what I WANTED to do 

WHY

I WANTED to do it 

I KINDA 

moved between projects

I'm pleased with the amount of stuff I got done 

BUT 

EVEN though my MIND does WANDER

I don't REMEMBER what I thought about 

CHORES

don't really SPARK 

MUCH creativity 

OR

DEEP thought

BUT 

in fairness 

that thing about my brain WAS

pretty DEEP and COMPLEX thinking 

SO WHAT am I on about 

🤔🧐🤨

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I'm sorry I didn't talk more🫶

BUT 

I did do some chores

SO

I'm pretty proud of myself 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart ❤️

👾🫚🍀

one of thirty one of three

Dan Bern is a 

NATIONAL TREASURE 

POTATO chips 

AT

the WATERGATE 

giant FLEMISH rabbits 

GLUCK stanning 

I went BACK 

and listened to him 

SAY

we could 

NOT 

love db 

any MORE 

than we do 

AGAIN 

this is too chocolate heavy for me

& I probably am not

ordering donuts 

PROBABLY 

BUT 

I've been low key unable to stop

THINKING about donuts

SO

I was just looking them up

& I saw this

& IF I was picking you a surprise donut

THIS is what I'd 

PICK for YOU

good morning sweetheart

EVEN though 

it's not really morning 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 💋

SLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

TODAY 

was a strange day for me 

I was distracted 

unable to 

ENGAGE 

I have this daydream about a little bed

that tucks into

SOMETHING 

I'm not describing that well

& truthfully 

I'm not 

ENTIRELY sure what I mean 

OR

it's a cloud

AROUND a concept 

SO

I've got THAT daydream 

BUT 

I've ALSO got

that SERVICE station 

IDEA

AND

they COLLIDED 

there were a limited number of photographs

AND 

I've got questions 

BUT 

I had a headache again 

BUT 

was out doing stuff 

& that's not

my favorite 

I was a little blurry

my mom was irritating me 

I was just a little 

OFF-sync

NOT 

a

BIG 

deal

WHAT kind of name is

ROBERTA 

FACEPLANT

faceplant

FACE

PLANT

I dunno 

I KINDA LIKE it 

we cannot love db any more than we do

this one dried nice

NOT saying it's finished 

I'm sorry I didn't talk much 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I'm gonna sleep some 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

I posted a comment 

on a post on Facebook 

on an autistic 

INFLUENCER I follow 

she was asking 

WHY

allistic people don't want CONTEXT when there's a PROBLEM 

they just say:

WHY are you MAKING EXCUSES 

&

I responded with a comment about 

a conversation I had with a boss

in the PAST 

&

I FINISHED the COMMENT with

they just want some version of 

SORRY it will NEVER happen again 

they don't 

CARE about your CONTEXT 

ONLY themselves 

&

EVER since I WROTE it 

I thought 

WOW

THAT'S TOO HARSH 

you are gonna get

HATE for THAT

BUT 

NO

MULTIPLE people 

WHO DON'T KNOW ME

have LIKED it 

& commented indicating that they AGREE

SO MUCH THIS

& I'm feeling SOME kinda WAY

ABOUT that

BUT 

I'm not even sure what way that is

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶

I had FUN 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚🍀❤️

FUNYUNS

is that how you spell it

we're so unbelievably bad to me

when I was a kid

I liked those PRINGLES

BUT 

THEN

VERY SOLIDLY 

ruffles have ridges

MOVING 

into

CHEETOS 

BUT 

I don't eat that type of food

MUCH

NOW 

I would eat popcorn

CHEESE CORN

or that

CHICAGO blend

if I've got

a certain type of hankerin 

NACHOS with corn chips

BUT 

I've been KINDA remembering 

FUNYUNS and

chuckling to myself all day

in fairness to funyuns 

I THINK they are a

CONCEPTUAL mashup

BETWEEN 

an ONION ring & a PORK rind

THAT

is the ICK 

FACTOR for ME 

I don't know what 

this headache is about 

did whatever 

HAPPENED 

in therapy 

CAUSE 

it

the percentage of things he said

that I don't believe 

was high

BUT 

the stuff he was saying to me

I could understand his

INTENT

BUT 

his WORDS didn't make any sense 

I don't know 

I have this SENSE that

WHENEVER

my brain has to PROCESS whether I know it or not

it just SHUTS me DOWN 

I was TELLING him

ABOUT being

COMPLETELY INSIDE of myself 

& SLEEPING 

KNOWING that I was WORKING through STUFF 

in my DREAMS 

I MEAN 

all the stuff I've been telling you 

BUT 

I was KINDA centering 

AROUND the CIM moment 

LIKE 

if that is my KINDA breakthrough moment

I was saying that I wasn't sure how much of it was

ME working on myself MENTALLY 

ONE WAY or ANOTHER 

OR

HOW much of it was due to the ANTI-anxiety

PROTOCOL 

SUPER B complex methylated, liposomal theanine with gaba and magnesium, oh, plus the adaptogen surfer coffee-- now with maca

he's LIKE 

YOU really WORK

MOST people just sit BACK

& THEN he wasn't making any sense 

BUT 

I FEEL like 

the BOX thing

was a DIFFERENT part of the conversation 

I STOPPED him

ASKED for 

CLARIFICATION on the BOX

he said things

it made no sense 

NOT enough for me to remember anything 

NOTHING caught

WEIRD, huh

ANYWAY 

I walked over to the tamashi

I walked in

& the busser asks me if I want tea

which is what I get

& he remembers 

EVEN though 

I haven't 

BEEN 

there

for

MONTHS and months 

MAYBE like a year

MAYBE 

I ENJOY that

FEELING 

being regular enough to be recognized 

I got the same thing

& as I'm picking up single peanuts

with chopsticks 

I think 

you're pretty good with those things 

& I'm LIKE 

I've been DOING it for FIFTY f*CKing years

& I'm LIKE

HAVE you

YES

since I was eight years old

BILL 

taught you

YOU 

weren't gonna EAT chinese food with a FORK

& HE wanted you to LIKE chinese food

he took you to

I can't remember the name-- maybe it will come 

on the edge of

right over where george r. brown is

there seemed to be

more or less

RAW sewage SMELL like the sewer was broken 

& the inside was

HE SAID 

decorated like a Mexican bus station 

WHICH I 

didn't REALLY understand 

BUT seemed plausible 

I took the VIBE to be 

a small space

arranged 

SOMEWHAT 

haphazardly 

with

sturdy functional items

NOT chosen for BEAUTY 

I don't recall there BEING any possible

MEXICAN elements

BUT 

the tables MAY have had BEER logos

they were THAT TYPE of table

I think I liked

MU GU guy pan

FIRST

happy anniversary 

🫶

PERSONALLY 

I think that Dan Bern guy

is the BEST part of

the TK show

BUT 

I NEVER eat potato chips with wine

country classic or not

BUT 

if you were going to do such a pairing

MAYBE 

RIESLING 

so you get that

SALTY/SUPER SWEET 

ACTION going on

ALSO

Michael had said something 

about the wine harvest

with beaujolais 

which, if that's right, means 

it's beaujolais NOUVEAU 

WHICH 

is a TOTALLY different thing

THAT might be really good with 

POTATO chips 

I find it almost undrinkable 

like slightly alcoholic 

GRAPE juice 

missing EVERYTHING 

that I like about 

WINE

BUT 

my aunt joan 

told me about it when I was a kid

LIKE it was a big deal

& she drank

HARD liquor 

in relatively LARGE quantities 

& NEVER drank 

WINE

FUN SONG!