what I did today 

I still don't remember 

what I wanted

to say

before 

BUT I want to say now

I think 

I'm getting better 

I FEEL 

LIKE 

something I can't quite articulate 

is clearer

I have to go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

THIS 

I'm pretty sure 

was NOT it

I CONNECT with 

those pages

THOSE 

images are part of my story 

AND

it flips this way

& it's LIKE 

THUNDERBIRD 

AND

it flips that way

& it's LIKE 

PROPHECY 

& I want to show you my

COLLAGE 

from ninety four

LIKE 

I gotta PROVE something 

BUT 

there's ALSO 

the SONG woven through the LANDSCAPE 

it's 

ALL

the THINGS 

AND

there's this whole world 

in my HEAD 

there was SOMETHING I wanted to tell you 

my phone was apparently

OUT of BATTERY 

&

in the process 

of getting 

to the

CHARGER, and blah blah, I forgot 

let me think 

when I worked at 

third world market 

it was right next door to best buy

& they were NOT f*CKing around with the 

CAMPING overnight

for like five am opening 

first two and a half people get a flat screen TV

for nearly free

NO EXTRA charge

for the TRAMPLING 

I gotta go to bed 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

a NATION 

of dilettantes

let the sun shine in

face it with a grin

open up your eyes

and let the sun shine in

what is that from

ALSO

the reason leaving that job

was

SO

BIG

for me is that it says it's ok

for ME to decide 

& I'd never 

REALLY 

HAD

THAT

because there was always

MUST keep job, need money

clouding

things

UP

AMERICA as a theme

keeps coming up 

BUT 

I'm not sure what anything means

I got VERY insistently 

let the sun shine in

I can't now remember 

KIDS SONG

I can't remember NOW

because I've got

let the sunshine in

from like

HAIR

WHAT 

am I supposed to 

MAKE of that

I wonder 

I guess the problem with 

communication 

with people 

it was

MOSTLY CUSTOMERS 

& there was

MAYBE 

SO

MUCH 

of it as to just, like, burn out the circuit 

AND

THEN the psychosis 

of the

LOCKDOWN 

maybe did some sort of

RESET

& NOW 

I just lose all desire to interact

at all

when I hit that problem point with humans

I felt like 

that was some new information 

I'm slightly high

I'm SORRY 

that last post

MAYBE 

makes it seem like I'm all

MAUDLIN 

&

I'm actually having a pretty good day 

I WISH

I could convince myself to go for a walk

BUT 

I had asian pear and dates

&

NOW 

I'm having turkey bone broth 

cut with

BRODO deeply rooted

&

I scored some cranberry kombucha 

I'm thinking my THOUGHTS 

BUT 

UPBEAT 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶🫶

I failed to mention it 

YESTERDAY 

BUT 

it was my dad's birthday 

he would have been 

87

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚

there was

NO

PASTRY

in therapy today, and before I became uncertain 

of my abilities to read people 

I would have SWORN 

he had no idea what I was talking about 

BUT 

then the dog ate his homework 

NO

that sounds a little bitchy

it was actually a completely VALID answer

JUST 

SEEMED to ME

so take that for whatever it's worth

THEN

at the end he said I will bring pastry next time 

I'm LIKE, NO 

WHY are you doing that 

I told you

just don't MENTION it 

PROMISING is even worse 

if you bring PASTRY 

I can be surprised & delighted

if you say you are going to do it

THEN I 

HAVE to think about it 

& if it doesn't happen 

then I have to tell myself some STORY 

about how you're flaking on me

I understand that 

when people tell you they're going to do something 

it's about the excitement 

the thought in that moment 

SHARING THAT

BUT 

it's ONLY like two out of ten times 

that people actually do it

AND

I JUST now realized 

this is ACTUALLY an example of 

what I'm fixing to say

I wasn't referring to that last thing

when I was telling him

THIS is a THING 

I feel like is a BIG problem 

in my interactions 

with people 

THEY say SOMETHING 

to me

that is DESIGNED to be some type of nice

ONLY it HITS WRONG 

with me

&

what I WANT to do is say

HEY

I SEE what you're doing there

I'm WEIRD and that actually 

has the opposite effect 

on me

let me translate myself 

if you want to get THAT response from me 

SAY THIS

& it will have that effect

BUT 

THAT NEVER WORKS 

it OFFENDS them

I don't UNDERSTAND 

it's LITERALLY me saying that I am WEIRD 

and like this non-standard thing

you were acting like you like me

I'm sharing what I like

WHICH part of that

is causing the

PROBLEM 

he starts saying WORDS 

psychological words that I KNOW 

BUT I could 

DERIVE

no actual coherent reason 

AND

NOW 

that I realize that that other conversation 

was probably fresh in his mind

he was probably thinking about himself 

& wasn't really prepared 

to be called on it

BUT 

I wasn't intending to be 

CONFRONTATIONAL 

SO

I guess it was interesting 

he seems unwell to me 

I feel like that's not

something I can really say anything about 

BUT 

I mean

maybe he just gained weight 

& that's making him look

PUFFY

BUT 

I don't think it's weight puffiness

a couple months ago

I had to restrain myself 

because I wanted

to ask him if he

MIGHT 

have had a mini stroke 

he just seemed off somehow 

BUT 

he goes to the hospital 

all the time

because his dog keeps 

injuring him

I DID ask if he was feeling OK 

I'm WEIRD 

the FUNNY thing

is that AWKWARD 

is not something I would have ever called myself 

UNTIL the LOCKDOWN 

& I changed 

NO DOUBT 

but I don't really understand why I became 

AWKWARD 

those pages are SO COOL 

of course 

what's written on them

is LIKE 

LEGEND 

& the MIND 

MOVES in that soulful essence too

nutritional yeast 

makes the best gravy

good morning mommy to me

all the whole

purring SO HARD

WHY 

am I living with a violent animal 

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

therapy was cancelled today 

LATE cancellation 

I ALREADY 

had my makeup on 

and he's like 

can we do it tomorrow 

& several times 

he's canceled & said he'd call me the next day

to reschedule later in the week 

& he never does that 

BUT 

this time he said 

move it to tomorrow and I will bring 

PASTRY to make it up to you

AND 

I'm LIKE 

you probably should not have said that

BECAUSE 

NOW 

I'm gonna be ALL ABOUT the PASTRY 

TODAY 

was ZERO carbs 

boiled EGGS 

BONE broth 

jungle PEANUTS

YESTERDAY

CARB

bender

I ordered a PIZZA 

I ATE the WHOLE thing 

NOW 

while that's not 

DEMURE 

it was medium, thin hand tossed, walnut pesto, sun dried tomato, kalamata

with mozzarella 

it's not like DEEP DISH

MEATzilla

XL + XchZ

I'm STILL in a WEIRD mood 

BUT 

I'm laughing at myself 

& that is BETTER 

YOU 

are maybe 

an ANGEL 

I LOVE you 

I saw this thing

it was like 

psychology hacks 

if you talk to

SOMEONE 

ABOUT 

a third party--  anything POSITIVE 

you attribute to the person you're talking about 

the listener will attribute to YOU 

I always enjoyed the way

grad student teachers

did this sort of

BRUH stuff

SO

I usually watch anything of that sort

it's TRUE I can say

CATEGORICALLY 

I have had 

FLASHES

about the girl thing

BUT 

they haven't stuck long enough for me to 

write it down 

I've got books

where I sit

&

in my purse, because sometimes 

I don't remember all the RAM

BUT 

I just keep getting this SENSE 

SO much STUFF 

SEEMS 

DIFFERENT than I thought 

& I don't know 

I feel like I 

have a LOT of UNKNOWN 

UNKNOWNS

it's WEIRD 

I'm in some sort of 

LIMBO 

I don't WANT 

the NEWS

BUT 

I need to have

SOME IDEA 

what's going on

BUT 

it's all just

f*CKing nuts

& I keep asking myself 

are you over reacting 

it's like 

I NEED some filter 

to MODULATE

MARJORIE taylor green

AND

I need to NOT get it in my HEAD 

that I need to somehow 

FIX all THIS 

#mERic@

South American motel

Playlist 

AND 

I LOVE the HAIR 

BUT 

dear Lord

I am ALWAYS 

SURPRISED at how

bewitching you are

I generally barely notice the looks of people 

BUT 

you are just this FORCE of NATURE 

the way you look

the way you

MOVE

It's strong enough to make people who have some minor similarities with you 

cause some sort of resonant hum

& you could call that

PHYSICAL 

but 

I'm not sure it is, really 

I think 

it's soul essence

I still think we are some kind of secret twins

SOMEHOW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶 

👾🫚

the thought was 

to articulate 

MYSELF 

& I feel like 

I maybe don't make any SENSE 

I really MEAN that 

I don't want to tell people WHY I'm telling them

I want them to have to

THINK 

& that probably seems elitist or whatever 

COLD 

I don't KNOW 

who I THINK is the audience 

for THAT 

NO ONE

is EVER willing to 

ACCEPT 

NOT telling what you're TELLING 

they're FINE with you pretending to tell

something that isn't 

REALLY 

telling 

anything at all

THAT 

they're FINE with 

ALSO 

I guess I'm not sure

what I'm doing 

EXACTLY 

PERSONA building 

I have

A desire to

WORK through 

the STUFF 

BUT 

LIKE through personal essays 

I thought about doing the cat

it's too long

those pieces I did

& I wasn't 

COMFORTABLE 

I didn't want to introduce myself 

as a childless cat lady

that tribunal

reminded me of animal farm

BUT 

ALSO other things you

the mosquito 💋

the stylistic sudden close

reminds me

of

BASEBALL ⚾ mythology 

or

SOMETHING 

SO

I had this thought 

MAYBE 

I'm not channeling the goddess 

because I have no 

LIKE 

pulling IN

honey baby we are seeing eye to eye

you are fundamentally 

made of me

PART of 

me

I don't know if that's right, goddess-wise

BUT 

I don't think I have that energy

MAYBE 

my energy is more

DISTANT

LIKE 

I KNOW I can't be understood, I'm not pretending 

BUT 

SURELY 

that can't be true

I didn't ALWAYS believe that 

I have this SENSE 

that I don't have a desire to 

COMMUNICATE 

in THAT close way

MAYBE 

that's right 

maybe it's RESISTANCE 

I KEEP being 

SHOCKED 

did I KNOW myself 

HOW 

can there be so much about which I am

STILL 

uncertain 

I feel 

a bunch of FEELS 

writing something that

OSTENSBLY

people will read

HERE

I assume 

pretty much only you will read it

& whenever I think about 

someone else reading it

I get uncomfortable 

BUT 

I didn't expect 

to have

EMOTIONS 

I'm just ALL 

WEIRD

TODAY

OH

YEAH 

don't let me forget 

SHAGGY MAN

there's something I gotta say about it 

it's important 

SOMEHOW 

🍎

I've been thinking 

SO

MUCH 

BUT 

I'm never gonna get

on a sensible 

SLEEP schedule 

like this

I gotta go to sleep

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I finish my food

OK

I should have 

given you

your 

anti nausea pill 

LET'S DO THAT 

NOW 

he starts to scuttle

AWAY 

NO NO

COME on 

YOU KNOW you need it

YOU'RE TELLING me 

TUMMY OWWie

I get the

pill popper*

*the best thing ever invented, because I don't have to stick my fingers into his mouth and draw back bloody stumps

I cut the anti nausea in half

I put the antibiotic in 

the pill popper

he NOW understands that the pills

make him FEEL BETTER 

SO

he doesn't FIGHT me 

this is GOOD 

because I really need to be able to look 

INTO his MOUTH 

& that's HARD to do

if he FIGHTS 

I just KINDA lean against him

I use one hand to 

CLAMP his head

I stick the pill popper into his mouth 

TRY to get the pill

at the BACK

of his throat

CLAMP his jaws SHUT

VIGOROUSLY 

rub his throat and say 

STERNLY 

SWALLOW 

when I THINK he has swallowed 

I open his mouth and 

LOOK

he has

NOT 

I repeat the SWALLOW procedure 

MORE STERNLY 

THAT

seemed to have worked

OK

NOW the anti nausea 

blah blah same steps

I THINK he swallowed 

DID you swallow 

I ask

HE OSTENTATIOUSLY 

SPITS it onto the counter

THAT 

JUST makes it all disolve-y and yuck

we're STILL doing this

he swallows it

THAT is a VERY GOOD BOY

I say

PETTING him

& letting go of him

RUN FREE

you want some crunchies to take the

BAD TASTE away

HE DOES NOT 

I start writing something 

a few minutes later

I look around and don't see him

I get up

start calling him

& find that he is laying behind my chair

THAT 

is how you know he 

ACTUALLY 

cares about you

he's SUPERVISING my work 

I have this idea

that I will start cycling my carbs

TODAY 

was supposed to be a NO CARB day

I boil a bunch of eggs

I open a can of

FISHWIFE 

smoked salmon with 

by JING

CHILI crisp 

I make tea

I carry it back to the table

I sit down to eat

kitty saunters up

HELLO kitty

HOWzit going, you feeling good

do you 

NEED something 

do you just need

PETS

are you a very sweet kitty

he FEELS vaguely menacing 

generally if I 

ASSUME 

he just needs pets

I get CUT 

he never lets me just eat in peace

I get up

OK

SHOW me WHAT you NEED

he walks over to the 

NIP station

it's this plate I bought at

CRACKER BARREL 

when I was on the road and 

UPSET

TAKE MY ADVICE 

it says

I'M NOT USING IT

he can't eat off plastic 

or he gets chin acne

he's got a giant pile of tissue paper

he makes into a nest

& he pulls it 

OVER

the nip plate 

& then pretends he can't find it

although surely he can smell it

I uncover the plate

pour him out some nip

he starts eating it

his tummy is upset

I open the door 

do you want to go 

OUT

if his tummy is VERY upset 

he will run out

start chomping down grass

NO

he does NOT want to go out

I check the

CRUNCHY situation 

seems fine

I wander back to MY food

we go to the kitchen 

he has ONLY eaten the crunchies off the top

OTHERWISE 

he hasn't eaten anything 

I am SUPPOSED to 

pet him

encourage him

replace the crunchies 

until the bowl is more or less

EMPTY 

or until he saunters off

WELL 

I guess you ARE

HANGRY

BUT 

I will remind you 

if you were

MORE 

HUNGRY

than needing to 

CONTROL ME

you COULD have eaten 

SO

I guess we'll do all that

NOW, huh

he eats a little 

THESE CRUNCHES 

are NO LONGER CRUNCHY 

because you 

DID WRONG 

I REQUIRE 

NEW

SO

I begin the process anew

he eats SOME

& then wanders over to his heater blanket

which I turn on for him

he curls up

NAPS

while I fix myself something to eat 

(continuing)

I woke up 

about one thirty in the afternoon 

I was extra tired

I guess 

I don't usually sleep

ten hours

I went to the bathroom 

I sat on the toilet 

I scrolled 

my phone

kitty sauntered in

I petted him

HOW are you doing kitty

are you feeling okay 

he SEEMS fine

BUT 

then I'm taking a little bit longer than 

HE THINKS 

is strictly necessary 

he starts 

THWACKING his tail

he's giving me 

HARD eye contact

& I FEEL 

AGGRESSION 

pouring off him

BACK AWAY from me kitty

you are becoming volatile and I'm NOT going to FEED you if you attack me

BACK OFF

he MOVES 

just beyond the threshold of the door

he KNOWS he has to be careful 

the bitch is 

SERIOUS

about her silly

DON'T HURT me b*llsh*t

I finish up

and say

OK dude let go get kitty some foods

he BLOCKS my way

I'm uncertain about trying to get around him

SOMETIMES 

this leads to CUTTING 

I'm trying to FEED you ASSH*LE

if you STOP me

you STOP me 

this is YOUR AGENDA 

he acquiesces 

trondles down the stairs

(continuing)

I woke up to pee

it was about nine thirty

WOMAN I cannot possibly 

WAIT 

one minute longer for breakfast

OK okay

I staggered down the stairs

he HAD eaten the crunchies

pretty much all of them

NOT just the 

CRUNCHY CENTERS

I opened a can

I mushed it and spread it

TRIED to get 

the exact

CONFIGURATION 

MOST preferred by kitty

I set it down

I applied the

CRUNCHIES 

I petted and coaxed

for like forty five seconds 

OK

you're on your own 

I'm going back to sleep 

AND

I went back to sleep 

(continuing)

OK

I said to the cat

it's three thirty in the morning 

I'm feeding you 

NOW

before I go to sleep 

there will be NO

six am feeding 

I KNOW you LIKE breakfast at six am

BUT 

there you go

I'm leaving TWO bowls of dry food

not too deep 

I KNOW you only like to eat a hole in the center

and WAIT for the six crunchies to be replaced 

I am REMINDING you 

you CAN

eat the REST of the CRUNCHIES

(continuing)

my cat

might be responding to 

my calmer mood

or he might be

feeling better

he was

KINDA

off his food & I took him to the vet

his numbers aren't great

so I'm giving him

antibiotics 

& all the

THINGS

he SEEMS like he feels better 

BUT 

if he's too sweet

I WORRY

&

my last cut has been healed for like three days

BUT 

MAYBE 

we're having a breakthrough 

if he's dying 

I'm enjoying his company 

& I'm already doing all the stuff 

SO

there's nothing else to do 

BUT 

he's moved on to another protein 

RABBIT 

& he SEEMS to like it BETTER than 

DUCK

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I feel LIKE 

Im VERY lucky 

🫶👾🫚🫶

☁️☕☁️

I've decided 

I REALLY like this

I'm not sure if my reasons are

in any way 

OBJECTIVE 

BUT 

I don't guess that is a requirement 

I do wonder if it's just me, though

OK

THIS is bad

even for me

I have a POTATO 

& I decided to BAKE it

I washed it 

& stabbed it

& STUCK it in the OVEN 

I did a bunch of stuff and just realized 

it was twenty minutes 

LATE 

to get my potato 

OUT of the OVEN 

& and I'm all LIKE 

I hope it's not 

going to be

ALL DRIED OUT from being in too long

AND

a VOICE called out

NOPE 

you didn't turn the oven on

& INDEED 

I had NOT 

WHY

didn't the voice 

REMIND me 

to TURN

IT

ON

OK

I laughed 

SO HARD

I nearly did myself a mischief 

mary Ann is stuck in my head again

& I saw a thing 

I had an overwhelming desire 

to buy for you

which is actually 

almost 

exactly

the same thing I've wanted to buy you before

a zip up hoody type sweater

this one didn't have 

a hood

and was a little 

thicker

it's also cashmere

& I don't personally like cashmere

I don't think 

I bought a used cashmere T-shirt

with stains and stuff

because 

it was like five dollars 

& I wanted to try it

and it FELT 

like wool did to me as a kid

KINDA razor blade-y

although 

I understand how this is NOT REALLY 

a fair test of cashmere

I JUST apparently 

THINK 

that you need this

LUSH HOODY

that will keep you warm

USEFUL 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶

I have just fairly recently 

joined

THRIVE market 

I'm not sure if I'm recommending them

BUT 

I HAVE found some

TASTY foods

&

for some reason 

I wrote reviews*

*I SWEAR to god 

which I don't usually do 

I don't think 

there's any remuneration 

BUT 

there has to be SOME reason I did it

& I can't NOW remember 

WHAT that reason was

I went back to see

if I could copy them

BUT 

I can't FIND them

they're a little long to have memorized

& I haven't reviewed everything 

that I would recommend 

BUT 

HERE

is one example 

Immi noodles--

I was curious & they were on sale.

the texture of these noodles is DIFFERENT than the standard-- they do NOT have that SLURP FACTOR-- instead they are more delicate and more TOOTHSOME-- be careful with the stirring spoon, if you go ham they will break into a zillion pieces.  I had the black garlic chicken and the red miso. I am NOT generally a frequent consumer of ramen, but I will be adding these to my regular order because, not only are they TASTY, but also they are high PROTEIN instead of CARB and perfect for a quick meal-- ready in four minutes. ALSO they are a welcome addition to the "oh f*CK I live in TEXAS" hurricane/derecho/the grid went down EMERGENCY supplies.

I started a couple new pieces today

good morning sweetheart 💋

I hope you have a beautiful day 🫶

👾🫚☁️☕☁️

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚

I think 

femininity 

is free-ing if you've been raised 

with expectations 

of masculinity 

& NOT 

if THAT was the 

CAGE 

they wanted to put YOU in

I THINK 

people should be 

FREE to EMBODY 

WHATEVER 

makes them comfortable 

MAYBE 

the fact that I am NOT 

COMFORTABLE 

in the presence 

of a certain 

TYPE

of feminity

is something I THOUGHT I had worked through 

I guess 

I'm not as comfortable with 

MYSELF 

as I thought I was 

ALTHOUGH I think I've always been pretty honest 

about issues

AND

I was going to tell you

I'm pretty sure 

I have gained a little weight 

my face in the passport picture 

vs the picture in the glasses store 

BUT 

I'm still wearing the same clothes

I'm going to be dieing 

the THING is 

I THINK 

my body has been changing 

SO

I'll be like

well MAYBE you've gained weight 

BUT 

your definition in your arms

SEEMS more defined

WHICH doesn't 

SCREAM

FATTER 

I'm 

PRETTY SURE I've got more fat on my back

BUT 

there's something BETTER about

the SHAPE of

my TORSO

I'm LIKE 

I was doing something 

DIFFERENT 

& I'm pleased with the results 

I think maybe 

it's not possible to 

NURTURE 

something without improving it

& I have been nurturing myself

maybe not completely or

PERFECTLY, but

CONSISTENTLY 

& with 

CARE

BUT 

whether I've actually changed

or whether it's a dysmorphia 

I definitely feel 

BETTER 

about

me

I had another one of those

WEIRD FASCIA 

THINGS

all on my right back and side

it's mostly done 

I think

I am just about at the point

where I feel

CLOSE to 

pretty good

rather than not bad being the best it could get

BUT 

I've noticed myself saying 

nothing really hurts

I feel pretty

GOOD 

SO

I GUESS 

what I'm actually saying is 

PHYSICALLY 

I feel

LESS ALIENATED 

BUT 

THAT is just

an area where I get close enough 

that it KINDA 

HURTS

to not fit

or SOMETHING 

Elie Mystal said something about 

an alanis song 

EXPLAINING 

genX non kamala voting white men

AND 

I was like oh NO

because now I was gonna have to go listen to it

AND

after the ordeal that jagged little pill was

SO MUCH so

that when it was re-released twenty years later

I'm LIKE 

NOT READY

to hear any of that again

BUT 

I went and listened 

& didn't really understand 

what she was talking about

or what he was talking about

& I FELT not woman enough 

THEN too

AND

I'm PROBABLY 

JUST LOOKING 

for 

ALIENATION -- confirmation 

when I was about eight 

Bill told me

if I kissed my elbow 

I would turn into a boy

& I tried 

SO

HARD

I don't think that was because 

I thought I WAS REALLY a BOY

& I've never liked 

the IDEA of plastic surgery 

SO idk

I don't think I would have thought I needed to transition 

BUT 

I might have 

& THEN 

I don't know if I would have been happy with that 

my thing is MORE 

what is all this gender specific feeling

WHAT do you

MEAN

BUT 

THEN I SEE it 

& I guess 

it makes me feel

some UNCOMFORTABLE way

I've got a bunch of stuff 

I'm not sure if any of it is related

I think it was Xtra sh*try to announce the 

NEW bathroom policy

on trans awareness day maga Mike

I don't really expect anything better

AND

THAT specifically isn't my 

FOCUS 

I guess watching Ezra yesterday

brought up

FEELS

MAYBE 

the fact that her energy felt SO MUCH 

MORE 

feminine than mine does to me

& in a VERY GIRL way

& I'm not even

SURE 

HOW to explain what I'm talking about 

it's like GIRL channeling 

GODDESS 

ENERGY

BUT it brought up all this

POWER 

we walk up to their WALLS 

& we make a 

DOOR 

the strength/vulnerability VIBRATION 

SOME of us will DIE 

I THINK of myself 

in a lot of these frameworks

& yet I feel like I'm SO DIFFERENT 

& I had a BUNCH of 

FEELS 

I think of myself as a girl

BUT 

MAYBE not REALLY 

I contain a girl maybe 

& I clearly have all this broken/vulnerable stuff

& maybe I appear vulnerable 

BUT 

I said to myself 

THAT is MORE truly feminine 

than you've 

EVER 

been

& I don't know if I was being honest or mean

I don't anthropomorphize God

BUT 

I'm not channeling the goddess 

I am not in touch with 

my divine feminine 

or whatever 

I'm TOO in my HEAD probably 

I feel LIKE 

I don't fit in

LIKE 

I would love to feel like

I BELONGED in the way which

some of us will die 

implies the understanding 

I FEEL 

STICKING OUT

in a socially 

RELEVANT 

way

which is, I guess, the way I celebrate 

trans awareness 

HOW 

I represent 

I don't KNOW whether

I fit into THAT community

any better than I fit into any other

& MAYBE 

THAT

is just intersectionality 

I've just been working on my GIRL

my daddy issues

my wounded

CHILD

AND

all this MENO crap

& I guess it was just jarring

to have the

I am not measuring UP

experience 

in THAT

CONTEXT

while I was in what I would have thought was a period of much more fem/wom/girl energy

than normal 

& I don't know WHY that's even a thing

& I still feel like 

SOMEHOW 

this IDEA of genders 

is STUPID 

(continuing)

OK

THIS is a THING that I don't 

GET about me 

I saw this Instagram video

and it didn't even get that far

& I was 

SOBBING 

then I touched it and it refreshed & I can't find it 

FIRE

in the forest 

telling a story NOT SHOWING 🔥 or 🌲

animals running out of forest

then jaguar sees

HUMMINGBIRD flying back into forest

then a few minutes later 

coming back out

I WISH I could remember 

WHEN I started crying 

I feel like THAT'S important 

& it's not like

OH I'm touched by the story

it RAW ugly crying SOBS

Jaguar asked hummingbird 

WHAT are you doing 

hummingbird says

I go to the lake, get water in my beak, and take that water to the forest to help put out the fire

THAT'S CRAZY says jaguar 

there's no way you can put that out by yourself 

I KNOW that

says hummingbird 

BUT 

I LOVE the forest

& it's my home

& I am just trying to do whatever I can

& the forest spirits heard hummingbird 

& brought a torrential RAIN

to HELP put out the 🔥🌲🔥

& then it said

something like

native american grandmothers

told children

if you expect MIRACLES in your life

YOU 

have to do 

YOUR 

PART

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 

🫶👾🫚🫶

I took a nap 

I never take naps

BUT 

I just got under my weighted blanket

& the cat got on me

& I passed out

I'm having 

BIG 

maybe all the things I thought were true 

maybe everything I thought I knew

maybe I was WRONG 

I'm NOT talking about us

I'm just talking about me

& my disorientation 

I went to a library 

& I don't think I've been in a library 

for twenty years 

it was a good experience 

& I wasn't sure how long it would take me

& I hadn't been there

so I allowed 

an hour and a half

& it took me thirty minutes 

I got there thirty minutes 

BEFORE 

the library opened

she helped me early

& I was finished 

before my scheduled appointment time

I watched a thing about ADHD

I had asked

doesn't everyone do things

according to interest

BUT 

I got the answer

NO

I still don't completely understand 

what regular people 

BUT 

I remembered how I got through college 

I DON'T forget any of the stuff 

I have to do

I would make a list

of what was due WHEN 

I would have whatever time I had

I would work on

WHATEVER 

I could be interested in

for as long as I could maintain interest

THEN 

I would move on to something else 

PAPERS

I would THINK ABOUT all the time

chewing through 

the material 

in my mind

&

PRETTY much 

write the paper

the day before it was due

or night before 

I NEVER wrote

DRAFTS

I feel like this worked fine for me

I feel weird now

& you would probably not be wrong to worry

BUT 

I'm gonna pull it together 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I want very much to see you

OK

PASSPORT ordered

my last one expired in 2016

so I had to re-apply

BUT 

they use the old one as verification 

SO

maybe I get the same number 

I never checked if that was what they did the last time & I don't think it matters if I have the same number anyway 

I had the original and copies

birth certificate 

driver's license 

passport 

it was simple and quick 

SO hopefully that's 

taken care of

I feel like

I don't believe that any of the news

is telling me 

WHAT I NEED to KNOW 

& I am not sure

I can handle

MUCH 

BUT 

I need to figure out 

HOW to EXIST 

in this new

extremely alienating/alienated world

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I HOPE you are having a beautiful day ☁️☕☁️

I had a weird day 

I went to therapy 

last week

he had a family emergency 

so I didn't 

I pretty much just talked about 

trying to talk myself 

into believing 

democracy 

is not

OVER

I SEEM

to be in the minority 

first thing 

I'm saying to the security guard 

you were right

& I'm counting on you to be right

about democracy 

NOT ending 

I've got a passport appointment 

in the morning 

NOT 

because I EXPECT to 

HAVE to LEAVE 

BUT 

just in case, ya KNOW 

I'm calm

BUT 

ANYWAY 

I have been 

alternating between

daydream believer

&

CHRISTMAS songs

SO

it's a weird day

to be in my HEAD 

the christmas songs started

LAST night 

as I was falling asleep 

JINGLE BELLS 

TODAY 

WINTER WONDERLAND 

I am strictly 

NO

christmas ANYTHING until AFTER

THANKSGIVING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

SORRY for not talking much

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

OK

I'm recommending 

Liposomal L-Theanine

as a real anxiety 

SOOTHER

I've been taking it for about a month

& I think it might be 

part of the reason 

I'm not 

FREAKING out 

I ordered it from Amazon 

& I haven't found it

anywhere else yet

BUT 

HIGHLY recommend 

Vivaravida L-Theanine 800mg supplement with GABA and Magnesium Glucinate

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you!

STILL VERY much 

BUT 

I wanted emphasis 

🫶👾🫚🫶

💋

I THINK 

I meant to talk about

the WIZARD of OZ 

OZ books

BOTH my mother and my father read them to me

SOMETIMES 

SOME TITLES

there was some title overlap 

I'm trying to say

L.Frank BAUM 

was trying to CREATE an AMERICAN 

FAIRYTALE 

and he transformed America

YELLOW BRICK ROAD

SILVER SLIPPERS 

BUT 

different aspects too

BUT 

I was SUPER into fairy tales before

I'm not sure WHY this is

RELEVANT 

I was just thinking 

OH it's about time to tell THAT story AGAIN 

BUT 

then I said DUH

WICKED

I haven't seen that so it wouldn't 

POP right up

BUT 

NOW I'm getting 

SURREY with the FRIDGE on top 

SO

we got kansas, we got oklahoma 

american innocence?

AMERICANA

I'm not sure what my CONTEXT is here

I guess I keep running up against 

this utopia idea

which seems never to have been sustainable 

I keep saying 

WORLD BUILDING 

not really certain what I'm talking about 

I don't KNOW 

if this is related at all, but I'm thinking I think

HUMANS need some sort of 

COSTUME festival 

I love the Renaissance festival 

BUT 

I don't want that

I was trying to think

WHAT is enough like that, but MORE future-y

and then I keep interjecting

that I'm possibly 

COMPLETELY 

some old lady

AND

I was thinking 

I really don't know what to listen to 

& I found that canadian lady

& I just enjoy her

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

if I'm an old lady, she's an old lady 

BUT 

it's mostly the youngs what go to sum festival 

SO

I'm not sure where that leaves me

I SO want to say

AMERICANA festival

BUT 

what does that mean 

AGAIN 

I want to punch andras in the face

the CORRECT way 

to build a resistance movement 

is to vote for

the

LESSER 

of two evils

SO

you have a 

LESS OPPRESSIVE

regime to protest against 

NOT 

be some f*CKing

CRY BABY 

WHY

would you WANT

to coalition 

with someone too stupid to do THAT

how could you

EVER

TRUST them

I MEAN 

I still haven't forgiven him 

for the

give him the finger comment 

I liked him initially 

even though I knew he was

a certain sort of troublemaker

BUT 

I'm not even sure

why I didn't delete him after the finger thing

I guess

because I try not to be

a slam down the phone

slam the door 

make a big stink

kind of person

PROTEST votes are great

if the stakes aren't high

BUT 

they were

AND

I was NEVER enough of a friend 

to explain it to him

I gather he has trouble with people 

& doesn't really 

UNDERSTAND 

WHY

I'm keeping him

& that mostly maga chick

JUST

for perspective 

BUT 

I'm not RISKING anything for them

I WANT different party options too

BUT 

I don't want to have to

FEEL their PAIN 

I want people who can

THINK 

WHY

is that so much to ask

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm super tired

BUT 

I feel good 

& it seems like I shouldn't 

CHAOS on the horizon 

🫶👾🫚🫶

SOMETHING 

about the

WIZARD of OZ

I don't KNOW what 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I've been thinking 

about 

what kind of festivals 

I would ideally like 

SOMETHING 

that boosts or teaches or whatever 

CRITICAL THINKING 

BUT 

I MEAN 

it's gotta be something 

people are willing to pay & travel to 

& I can't think of anything 

I made this list

& I'm not sure if it was for a specific thing

JUST brainstorming, maybe 

healing grievance 

living in a world you don't recognize 

alienation--  plugging in & tuning out

finding joy

search for the meaning of it all

conscious community 

hermit-hood

what you want

what you need

I made it a while ago

maybe last week

idk

it all runs together 

I'm not sure 

WHAT 

is going on with me 

I've got 

NO attention span 

WHATSOEVER 

because 

I FEEL like

for t*ump

it is ALWAYS reality TV 

WHAT are his

RATINGS

it occurs to me

if the Senate is tied up

in confirmation hearings

MAYBE 

that furthers the NARRATIVE

everyone is out to get me

CHAOS

&

DRAMA

I keep telling myself 

t*ump doesn't 

LIKE

being president 

he likes the POWER, not the hassle 

he wants to AVOID all the court and threat of jail

he doesn't VALUE democracy 

BUT 

what DOES he value 

I'm VERY concerned about these picks

WHAT is he really ABOUT 

MAYBE he is handing out prizes to his friends 

well, I MEAN, he is for sure doing THAT 

BUT 

I don't think he actually CARES

whether the senate confirms them

if they don't then oh well

MAYBE BETTER because more to bitch about

BUT 

he won't LIKE being TOLD NO

SO

there's THAT

BUT 

I THINK he's acting out

& giving them people

he THINKS 

they will reject

to SEE what they'll do

I THINK it's a TEST

BUT 

I may be ascribing MORE 

I was SO WRONG about K

I was SO SURE

I went out to eat

I had meat

& alcohol

I walked there

I took a nap*

*chronologically before eating out which was earlier than I usually eat but it was the only meal of the day ~4pm-ish and I took the nap because my cat decided I looked like a comfortable pillow and he hasn't been sleeping on me because his pancreatitis is acting up 

I decided I'm not going to have a big meal for thanksgiving 

I'm going to fast 

or semi-fast

for this period

because 

I want to 

lose some weight 

I couldn't get exactly the same supplements

so I mixed it up

& I'm pretty pleased

with the changes

so far

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I'm not going to bed YET 

BUT 

I'm not sure what I want to talk about 

I'm trying not to 

let myself 

freak out

I'm just trying to build myself up 

physically 

psychologically 

whatever I need to do

to get my 

MIND

RIGHT 

for whatever it is that's gonna happen 

I'm seeing 11:11

just because I THINK something 

doesn't mean it's right 

BUT 

it doesn't mean it's wrong either 

this is probably not 

the conversation 

you hoped for

because I MEAN 

I'm not SAYING anything 

BUT 

I am saying I'm okay 

or at least

I think I'm okay

I hope you are BETTER than okay 

sometimes talking is hard

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚

AND

I'm AGIT

because I had this realization 

a few, like not quite a week 

the world has gone mad

& if there's 

GONNA 

BE

AND

I saw the earthship

all these pieces fell into place

& it SEEMED really obvious 

what I was supposed to

& break it up into

PIECES

BUT 

I had it HIT me

JUST how 

MUCH

human interaction that would entail

AND

I just don't KNOW 

if I can DEAL

BUT 

THEN

I remind myself 

I USED to do

an EXTREME amount of human interaction 

BUT 

I'm balking

& WHATNOT 

I'm all LIKE 

we're problem solving 

this solution 

solved the problems 

BEST

we're OPEN to 

other 

IDEAS 

I FEEL like my dad 

made it SEEM

LIKE 

wise man in a cave or up a mountain 

was an OPTION 

YES

& you balked at isolated & alone

YOU 

wanted a community 

I'm GLAD I did that picture 

I've got something to 

LOOK at 

I can see the state of my mind 

SORT OF

it certainly is 

AGIT

BUT 

I think there's a lot of 

MOVEMENT 

it's a little 

AGGRESSIVE 

I think the fluoresce 

& that lace-y-ness

PUSHES it 

a little surreal, maybe 

I was saying I wasn't happy with it 

that I probably shouldn't have tried to paint

she said I just had too much going on

AND

she said something that made no sense to me 

AND

I watched this HBO show

I just found out about

ren faire 

& I'll be damned if it isn't king george 

he is STILL running the place

I didn't KNOW him

BUT 

I KINDA feel like I do

I watched him

he made a few proclamations 

it was a TRIP

he's 86

he's STILL running it

& he is a deeply

WEIRD 

guy

I think it's a pretty good show, though

REPRESENT 

there were other important elements

ANYWAY 

I'm thinking about THAT

AND

I'm wanting to ask her

I KNOW 

she had a different experience 

she met bob there

BUT 

if I TRY to talk to her

she will DO SOMETHING that will make me

SORRY 

AND

the something 

that she said leads me to believe 

I VERIFIED that it did

BUT 

SOMETIMES

that doesn't doesn't mean anything 

she thinks I'm like getting IDEAS for pictures

that I'm then trying to

EXECUTE

so I would take THIS failed attempt

and COPY parts that work

THAT 

I totally NOT what I'm doing 

I've painted all these colors and textures

it's this whole IN the MOMENT thing

I don't believe that I could replicate it 

ANY of it

I haven't tried to paint

the last few times 

I've come here

with

my

mom, because I figured I was not in the right 

FRAME

of

MIND

I think I was

RIGHT 

& I probably shouldn't have bothered today

it looks better in the picture 

MAYBE it's salvageable 

BUT 

I don't LIKE it NOW

im trying to let it dry 

MIGHT look better 

in fact it's probably okay

I'm just agitated 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

I didn't follow a bunch of the people that I followed before 

I used all these 

STARTER kits

to follow

a bunch of lawyers and scientists 

I followed 

SOME 

of the core people 

BUT 

not the ones that were

MELTING DOWN 

or screaming that it was a rigged election 

or hand ringing about WHAT we shoulda woulda coulda done

&

I'm STILL 

freaking out a little 

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶

👾🫚

sorry

CIA

not FBI

I must be slipping 

oh and

rfk

if he's just like

you can't require vaccines 

rather that

making them illegal 

this whole thing

is a sh*t show

well

ALSO

the Russian asset

shouldn't head up the FBI

THAT'S probably 

pretty important too

I MEAN

wtf

someone I know

said to me

I think maga mike's surprise

is recessing the house

so the house & Senate

cannot agree

& then t*ump can legally recess the Senate

so he can recess appoint

all his picks

that MIGHT be the surprise 

they were talking about

I can't unthink that now

I don't know 

I am still not feeling like everything is 

going all to hell

although 

I don't know why not

it SEEMS 

objectively like it should be going to hell

BUT 

I do think that

t*ump

is predominantly focused on

eliminating his legal troubles

& grifting as much money

as possible for himself 

& his friends

there will be chaos

for sure

BUT 

he's not appointing people smart enough 

to be the kind of dangerous 

he might do

MAYBE 

MAYBE this is just wishful thinking on my part 

MAYBE the secretary of defense guy 

I'm just thinking 

NO WHAMMIES 

reichstag

I didn't tell you 

WHAT 

I laughed at

& I THINK that's 

IMPORTANT 

it actually did make me laugh 

KINDA 

not like ACTUALLY laugh out loud

BUT 

for SURE 

LOL

he had this post that said

if you don't like me

we don't have to interact on social media 

& immediately I thought 

if they don't like you

it's probably 

BECAUSE 

they interacted with you on social media 

& you don't like they way

they responded to 

your COMPLETE LACK of any understanding of 

THEM as HUMAN

I HOPED

he would respond 

BUT 

he did NOT 

I also hoped he would 

LOOK at the things

I have posted on my page

they are things

he could

REALLY 

benefit from internalizing

I MEAN 

he WON'T, probably 

BUT 

I can DREAM

good morning sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

I just read Elie Mystal's piece in the Nation 

because I decided 

I should subscribe 

& it was

just as

f*CKing depressing as I was afraid it would be 

AND

I felt a need to

act out stupidly 

SO

I went to that guy's page

and found something 

to laugh at

I REALIZE 

this is childish and can't lead to anything good

BUT 

I needed to do it

I don't think I've talked much today 

I thought about you a lot

BUT 

I guess 

it's not a very talk-y day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 

🫶👾🫚🫶

the messed up sleep cycle continues 

I've been up

a few hours

BUT 

I couldn't really tell you what I've done

I hope you are having 

a beautiful day 

sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶🫶🫶

❤️

rf not RF

I long since shoulda gone to bed

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

when I was in third grade

social studies

we studied a unit

about kibbutz 

&

I was SUPER captivated

the IDEA

a group of people 

living and working together 

the sort of isolated

situation 

the

children weren't 

RAISED

by their parents

MAYBE 

THAT 

is the root of this whole off grid fantasy

which seemed

when I'd thought about it for years

like a LOT of work 

what sounded like more fun was monastic life

now HEAR me out

nuns WORK hard

PRIESTS 

have work and responsibilities 

MONKS

make liqueurs and sh*t

something kinda

high pay off

low work time

because they spend their time praying

there were some monks 

at the Renaissance festival

APIARY

it's been 

a strange day

it's like 

I'm opening up 

just a bit

to the news

I'm not sure whether 

the calmer mood

is because 

I get calm when things are actually dangerous 

or if just, like, something broke on through 

ALSO 

magnesium & l-theanine

I just keep imagining this stage

AND

this round building with the workshops

artists, writers, people with crafts and skills and trades

IDEAS to IMPART

to the community & the people who visit

RF-bell

rose firmanent

ringing in the

&

it COULD be 

radio free

radio frequency 

I guess it could be right field

it isn't 

SO

visually 

appealing 

TO ME

it LOOKS 

LIKE 

a cryptic notation

it LOOKS 

WRONG 

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

it's 

growing on me

what do you think about 

STORYTELLING 

as a sharing of

NARRATIVES 

builds

EMPATHY 

and THAT could be

almost any

FORM

I've seen just straight up 

telling a story 

be pretty

INTENSE

BUT 

there could be film

there could be music

there could be art

I think dance is a stretch

comedy

poetry slam

I had forgotten 

ALL about that

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

hahaha

I just found the book

I read a review

the actual title is 

how to make a million dollars in real estate in three years with no money down

the reviewer said he was a Harvard MBA

& said basically what I said 

HOWEVER 

he read it recently 

WHY

so somebody thinks it's worth reading 

BUT he

agrees with me

twelve year old me

it's the kind of book you write to sell seminars 

I'm not 💯 sure

WHY I'm telling you 

anything 

about

real estate seminars

I don't think very many people 

send their child to sub for them in seminars

she sent me to

some kind of 

negotiating 

seminar

TOO 

some POSSIBLY pertinent 

BACKGROUND 

before the ninth grade

my mom had signed up for

a real estate seminar 

& for some

reason 

SHE

couldn't go

she sent me

I'm LIKE 

twelve

I'm trying to 

WAS I trying to take notes

I don't think I KNEW about notes yet

the guy giving the seminar 

SEEMS LIKE 

he's full of sh*t to me

I THINK he wrote a book

called how to make a million dollars in real estate 

my mom asked me 

what did you learn

I'm LIKE 

the way to make a million dollars in real estate 

is to write a book and sell seminars*

*he was talking about stuff that was possible 

it just seemed pretty unlikely 

and it was more

stuff like

if you can't afford to buy something 

you can trade property 

for part of the deal

STUFF like THAT 

you KNOW we had a booth 

at the ren fair 

& it shaped

me, that place

I don't THINK about it that way

BUT 

it's true nonetheless 

I haven't told you 

when I went to duchene

I told you about 

FEELING 

VERY ALIENATED and out of place

I told you a bunch of little things 

I THINK 

and my mind has been wandering there

pretty regularly recently 

I didn't really notice, at first 

BUT 

then I was LIKE 

why is everything reminding me of duchene 

BUT 

of course EVERYTHING wasn't 

I was ALSO 

in the good apartment 

I started a thing I didn't post

SIX years old

RUBBER SOUL

BUT 

duchene 

we had all these ENRICHMENT things

I f*CKing LOVED

& one of them

was about business in SOME WAY

AND

the woman asked me what I was going to do

& I said

I'm going to get a business degree

& a history degree

AND

OPEN a RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL 

AND

she came over later

& said

something about seeing me with my long red hair

there was SOMETHING else

I can't REMEMBER it

BUT 

it got coded as being 

KINDA touched or inspired or moved

IDK -- LIKE 

I've been watching you sitting there 

& you kind of remind me of

some Renaissance lady

& I have no doubt

that you will

accomplish your dream

it was SOMETHING like that

you'd think I'd remember 

BUT 

I don't THINK 

that WAS my DREAM 

I think that was my "business" answer

I kinda forgot the whole interaction 

I've been THINKING 

I can't look at twitter 

everybody's 

MELTING 

DOWN

I don't want to be in that headspace 

I don't see how it helps 

I can't get the village idea

OUT of my HEAD 

it just KINDA 

combines

SO MANY 

THINGS

BUT 

you don't KNOW all of them

I WANT to tell you

ALSO 

I'm getting a new TAROT 

it's weird 

HOW 

you get the same cards

REPEATEDLY 

HIGH PRIESTESS

STRENGTH 

LIKE 

CONSTANTLY 

OK

he said

are you serious 

blah blah

he has since deleted it

And I said

yes

I said I was scared

you thought it was funny

I'm just trying to understand you 

I'm not trying to make a statement 

I may have told you that

THEN 

he said all you need to understand is 

you sound like a scared sheep

parroting left wing talking points

privileged 

blah blah

he has since deleted it 

I said

if my honest experience sounds like "talking points" to you I'm honestly not sure how to talk to you

I was raised lower middle class 

I made $40,000 my highest paid year

and I had a pretty rough childhood 

nothing privileged about me 

I guess our experiences are different 

I DON'T TRUST the media 

I thought we were people who could talk to each other honestly but maybe THAT was my overly trusting mistake 

and what I hate about the world today is that everyone thinks I'm either left or right

no one will interact with me in a way that isn't 

slotted into one or the other

I guess you just reinforced THAT

SAD

AND

he replied 

and I have a right to laugh at whatever I find

HUMOROUS 

AND

I REPLIED 

of course 

OK

he said 

ARE you SERIOUS 

read the transcripts

he said disinfectant 

and he said it as a question 

he didn't DEMAND you inject bleach

stop reading the leftist media 

I'm LIKE 

I didn't say he demanded I inject bleach

& I honestly don't remember whether he said bleach or disinfectant 

I am just trying to understand you

I said I was scared

you said it was funny

when I asked you why

you said it was because I took the press conferences seriously 

I'm just trying to understand you 

I'm not trying to make some kind of 

statement 

OK

he wanted to distance himself from 

THAT characterization 

his response 

well...anyone who took those daily press conferences seriously is slightly 

HUMOROUS 

I'm LIKE 

I don't understand 

the president was giving daily press conferences 

was I not supposed to take president Trump seriously?

we'll see 

what response

he has to THAT 

I'm REALLY interested

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I couldn't sleep 

& then

I didn't set an alarm 

& slept till noon

I ENGAGED with people on Facebook 

this woman who I don't really know 

BUT 

thought I liked back when I was friending people 

she posted this thing

saying the MOST controversial thing 

t*ump ever said was about the 

LIGHT

& posted some thing I didn't actually read

I RESPONDED 

that I hadn't really had a problem with the light

it was when I HEARD him say

INJECT bleach

& that I had listened to the daily press conferences because that had been a scary time for me

&

some guy responded with a 

LAUGH-y face

I responded to him

I don't understand which part you're laughing at 

my fear?

&

he came back with that COVID is just flu

& it's the vaccines that were the danger

&

I'm LIKE, oh okay you're laughing at the ridiculousness of my fear

there is probably no point to this

BUT 

I really want to know 

HOW or if he responds to that

Because I THINK the point is

oh you CRAZY liberal 

I LAUGH at your delusional believing of the agenda that is SO obviously just designed to enslave us and control us

BUT 

I didn't get mad or come AT him

I'm just like

OH people's FEAR is FUNNY if it's unreasonable or exaggerated, is that REALLY how you FEEL 

because 

REALLY 

isn't MOST fear

ISN'T YOUR FEAR

of course I didn't SAY THAT 

& he probably WON'T respond 

BUT 

I want to KNOW 

HOW FAR GONE is EMPATHY 

if I tone down the OTHERNESS

if I just present my actual experience without 

"being a LIB" who needs to be OWNED 

even if the consequences are 

SELF HARM

I guess THIS is the 

RABBIT HOLE 

I'm going down NOW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

🫶🫶🫶

I'm not sure

WHY

I had hot child in the city

in my HEAD 

TODAY

it was a song I liked

I feel like 

early high school

BUT 

I'm not sure what it connects to 

I hope you are doing well 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

I have ALL these IDEAS

for the village 

I am SEEING 

a restaurant 

villagers eat free

because it's 

INCLUDED

food grown in greenhouses 

on premises

NOT 

MAYBE a full menu

BUT 

DAILY 

ALSO

I'm trying to reconfigure the earthship concept

to like a hotel, multi-unit apartment type

SITUATION 

I'm NOT sure it WORKS 

BUT 

I'm THINKING about it 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 

👾🫚

she's all like

t*ump

is gonna make inheritance

so you can give

$600 million dollars to your heirs

before they 

OWE TAX

she says it

as though it's a good thing

& somehow relevant 

I have no expectation 

that she will not spend every dime of the money

she has, especially if she has to go into a nursing home 

I don't understand why 

she always seems to think

she has a FORTUNE 

OR

that I am motivated by money

I guess

I'm supposed to be all like

who CARES about democracy 

I don't gotta pay a death tax

sheesh

I saw my mother today 

my advise to you

she says

is to

ORGANIZE YOURSELF 

so that you're 

NOT UPSET

about this

RIGHT

ALSO

thinking about the

REMEMBER 

the rajneeshees

it could be

a religion-ish

THEN 

it wouldn't be taxable 

& WHATNOT 

THAT 

SOUNDED

MORE 

NUANCED 

in my HEAD

BUT 

I don't have time right now to explain ALL the

BACKSTORY 

I'm not sure if you can

BOTH 

be a town

& be a religion 

BUT 

it wouldn't SURPRISE me 

I have 

IDEAS

BUT 

they might be 

CRAZY

EARTHSHIPS

this kind of

CREATIVES village 

with

FESTIVALS

AND

MAYBE the festivals

KINDA finance

the town

I don't realistically know

how much revenue 

festivals 

bring in

BUT 

the Texas Renaissance festival 

George, the guy who owned it

he got it incorporated as a town

so he could charge sales tax

& WHATNOT 

to make improvements 

& he let some of the artists live there

in their booths as residents 

SO

I MEAN 

it's NOT completely 

unprecedented 

BUT 

NOT 

ONE festival 

LIKE a cyclical thing

MAYBE one is like a retreat workshop

with community building skills

OR maybe 

that goes on apart from the festivals 

I don't know 

it wouldn't be EASY 

is it INTERESTING ENOUGH to be 

SERIOUSLY considered

it's ideally 

self-sustaining off grid

do people want THAT 

idk

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

goodnight 🫶 

👾🫚