I did not drive my car
But I did have this amazing dream
Okay I don't remember all the parts of it
Because there was a whole like spy or government agent or something section with the smartphone that had some kind of special app that did all kind of crazy stuff and looked really different
And there was sort of a futuristic shopping mall that was in like a tunnel
And we interacted with a lot of people I had I think I had a partner of some kind you know like agents working sets of two but I just don't really remember anything about my partner it was a guy I'm pretty sure and I think he was the more senior agent and I was younger like a lot younger than I am like probably my late twenties
But there was also this project that was going on in some like important government agency building and it was building this it was kind of a memorial but it was shelves with books but it wasn't I don't think it was in a library I think it was in like a main area so I don't think they were books that you were supposed to like reference I think they were important historically or something and
I don't know if I was involved actually in it or if I was just really intensely interested in it and so I had all these opinions about what needed to happen but then were these really old shelves that had held the I can't remember what it was a collection of it was collected writings collected works some like really important and I want to say it was like FBI something but I don't know but anyway there were these shelves that had held these books and they were really big and really old and wood and it's not like they were all that attractive in and of themselves but they were an awkward size and someone had taken them off and put them someplace else and I'm like no these wouldn't shows they need to be used to hold those books because the shelves and the books are both you know their history is together what they need to do is build like a frame structure to hold the wood cuz someone had taken them and put them on like some little like I don't know l brackets or something and they looked really bad I'm like somebody needs to take this and build a like metropolis like inspired metal frame
But then there was this other important stuff and it was by a woman or it was a monument to a woman and she had been I don't know she was really important but she was also very there was some way in which she was like a flower and she loved flowers and I don't know so the shelf for that one needed to be somehow this kind of blooming branch and it was going to be right next to or underneath or above probably above the metropolis he won and so you know people were saying well you know that just doesn't make sense because those don't match and so why are we going to make these shelves to hold these books and they're going to look different and I'm like because the show should reflect the personality that we are more immortalizing so it needs to be flowers and it needs to be thus and such and I can kind of almost see it in my head it was kind of abstracted and it didn't match in any way the other shelf but it wasn't it didn't clash with it either it was stylistically abstract enough that it could comfortably sit next to the much heavier much more industrial looking shelf and the room it was this enormous room and it went up really high like I want to say and it had a big kind of oval window in the top I want to say pergola but I don't think that's right I need to look up pergola hang on just a second
No pergola is not right so then what is the word I'm looking for
Cupola is also not the word I'm looking for
Well I feel as though there is a word for it
Anyway after I woke up it seemed like it became some kind of metaphor for building the framework to support the material that you're trying to highlight
And I've been taking I don't think I told you this I got a what do you call it a flower essence is that what you call it Yes a flower essence for ayahuasca and I've been taking it and I don't know whether I believe in flower essences or not
But maybe since I've been taking it maybe it started before that but maybe since I've been taking it I've been having a lot more thoughts along the lines of you know maybe you're not right about all these things you think are so fabulous about you a lot of sort of humbling thoughts that you know are perhaps good to look at from perspective but aren't really all that beneficial to me because how does it help me to believe that I'm not as good as I think I am you know that just seems detrimental
I mean it's all very fine and good to look at things and say well you know you could have done that better you could have done that better you know from the perspective of doing better next time if you're doing them again like going back and learning lessons that maybe I should learned that yeah I didn't maybe have the information to learn at the time
But it's not beneficial to dwell on the fact that you may be weren't doing things as good as you thought you were doing them You know because if you dwell on that too much then maybe you think well you know you don't really know s*** You're just all fully yourself and I don't think I don't really think I can afford to be a lot less full of myself You know what I mean
I mean I actually think that at most points in my life if I'd been a little more full of myself it probably would have gotten me further so I don't see that there's a whole lot of benefit in you know pulling out my stuffing you know what I mean
So then I was like well you know maybe the vegetal mother doesn't really have my best interest at heart and that seems bad but maybe she does but she just isn't very good at I don't know like bedside manner or whatever you know if you're telling somebody something that would be good for them to know but
I mean that's always kind of been a problem for me you know people try to warn me about things like when my mother was going to teach me to sew she wanted to impress upon me the fact that the sewing machine was dangerous even though it was like a treadle machine that you know there was a limit to how out of control it could get because you were pumping it with your foot so yeah if you stopped pumping it it would go for a little while but it's not like it was a you know electrical machine that was just going to run over you right but she spent so much time telling me about all these injuries that family members had had in sweatshops and you know what not that then I couldn't be unafraid of it enough to really learn to sew and to be honest with you I think learning to sew is one of the things that I really should have done because I have all kind of ideas for clothes that I would like to have that aren't available for me to buy and I think being able to make those things would have made my life fuller and I mean it's still could but I'd have to learn it now and it would have been so much easier if I had just learned it when I was 10 you know
My point with that was that it doesn't take the same amount of warning for me that it would take for the average person because I can extrapolate in my mind and see all the ways that I could be hurt and maimed and damaged and I can visualize them pretty clearly so you know I don't need a lot of warning I need more encouragement that it's possible to do it safely right
I mean when I was having a mo my lawn when I lived at that house I wasn't willing to use an electric gas mower or a gas gas mower because Bill had had shrapnel thrown into his leg from mowing my mom's lawn and so I got to push mower because I felt like that was safe enough for me but God damn that was hard work and I wasn't willing to do it very often so I got notices all the time and that was when I mowed the lawn when I got the notice
So last night I took my ocotillo flower essence with the ayahuasca
And I felt like that that was part of the reason why I had that dream that seemed like it gave me important information about the framework and the supporting
But I feel like I've gotten distracted like I think it was 30 minutes of distraction time I was looking up flower essence information
So I guess the main attribute for today is lack of focus I'm going to go ahead and publish this before I get distracted by something else and you have to wait even longer for it I'm sorry I have not been very communicative today
I love you sweetheart 💋
