I'm not trying to ignore you
I've just been really freaking out
I don't know whether the promencil is helping or not
I thought it was
But then I had all that hot night sweats
Temperature variation stuff
And the anxiety is pretty bad
I couldn't take or haven't been taking the maca because I took it that first day and it seemed like it made me even jumpier
So I've not been taking that
The allergies are pretty much gone
And 3 days is pretty much what it took last time so I don't know why I haven't been doing this all these years well because I thought it wasn't available anymore
And it might come back I'm not necessarily expecting for it to stay away permanently
I've been in kind of a mood today
And the cat is hopping up and down on my last nerve
And my head hurts
But it never has gotten the way usually does with the weather changes so I think the allergy stuff is helping with that also I'm taking homeopathic thing for pain it's like for muscle pain and bruising and whatever I wasn't sure if that would help with the tension cuz you know that's muscle stuff and it's helped some I guess with that and a combination of the two have made it such that I've only actually taken one Tylenol in the last several days which is great
I'm kind of excited about my birthday
I would like to have gone somewhere
But as it stands I don't even think I'm going to go out to a restaurant or anything because it's just not safe
Maybe I'm blowing the danger a lot of proportion
I'm really worried about you
I mean you're healthy and fit
And I assume your boostered
So I assume you'd be okay
But I don't know what I would do if you weren't
I'm trying not to think about that too much
I really can't say that I would be all that fun to be around right now in fact I'm pretty confident I would not
But
Just in the spirit of having something exciting to say I got a shirt that is like three sizes too big because they've started having inclusive sizing on QVC which means they go up really really big and they had the shirt it's like a I guess a mock neck but it's a pretty high mock neck it's kind of like halfway between mock neck and actual turtleneck and it's a long sleeve sweater type thing but it's real lightweight it's like a t-shirt weight fabric and they didn't have it in my size but I was looking at it and I was like you know I have all these t-shirts that I wear around the house that are you know modal and soft this isn't modal this is rayon but it is pretty soft and since it's got long sleeves and the mock neck and it's enormous it's like I mean it's like a nightgown I guess but I don't think I've ever had a piece of clothing that I've worn that was quite this big and I think if it were my size I think the neck would bother me I like mock necks but they got to be not too tight and this one the mock neck is just a little tiny bit bigger than I would want it normally but everything else is just so big
Anyway I don't think I would go out in public in it unless I had it layered under like a jacket or something so that it wasn't noticeable but it's really comfy to wear around the house and the turtleneck thing really is nice for the cold as I haven't been running the heater I've just been running a little bit electric space heater thing next to my feet
So that's nice
And I'm burning like a spruce candle but I can't smell it I think it's just been burning too long and I can't notice it anymore because I can still smell the lavender deodorant that I have sitting next to me
I thought I would give it a try because it was quite a bit cheaper than the vanilla beach summer beach summer vanilla summer vanilla I think summer vanilla is what it's called I still have a little bit of that but it's gotten really expensive and I found this one and it was it's more quantity and it's got really good ingredients but I wore it one day and I'm not sure I like it
But regardless I have it sitting next to my chair so anytime I get to worrying about not being able to smell I just pick it up and smell it and if I can still smell the lavender then I know I can still smell
I don't know how many books I ended up listening to last month not very many I think just two or three
I've started a new one this one I've had on my wish list for a little while and it just suddenly looks really good I think because it's set in the cold and it's now cold so I think it's supposed to stay reasonably coolish all next week with Lowe's in the 40s or 50s although the highs are going up to the mid 70s on several days so not so cold
It's called drive your plow over the bones of the dead I think that's right
It's by a Polish author and I never have really learned how Polish names are pronounced so unless I've heard it said I hesitate to even try but it's Olga and it starts with the t the last name I mean and she's pretty famous I think
Hang on this is bogus I can get the name I don't have to say it out loud I can write it
Olga Tokarczuk
I started listening to it but I was falling asleep pretty quickly and I didn't really hear much but I'm kind of enchanted I mean I guess I heard a sample of it before I bought it and I didn't hear a whole lot past the sample but
All the characters they don't have like name names they have descriptor names like oddball and Bigfoot stuff like that and she was saying how she feels like that her neighbors probably have names like that for her too and she noticed that she never says her neighbor's name when she's talking to him because in her mind his name is oddball and she realized that he never says her name either
But they live in this little I guess it's a village maybe because she said that the three of them bigfoot oddball and herself are the only ones that live there full time everybody else I guess lives there in the summer and then in October they turn off their water and drain their pipes and lock up their houses and leave and part of what she does to support herself is she kind of babysits some of the people's houses which I don't know if that involves her going into them yet or if she just kind of watches to make sure that nobody messes with it I don't know
But Bigfoot is dead maybe he was murdered but if he was murdered who was he murdered by cuz nobody's there right but
Oddball knows something is up because his lights are on and he always turns off his lights and goes to bed cuz he's trying to be very frugal with his expenses so he doesn't just leave lights on but his lights are on and the dog is barking like crazy so he goes over there and the guys dead laying on the floor
So he goes and gets the woman whatever her name is and they go over there and look at him and he doesn't have socks on he has basically cut off pieces of strips of sheet that he's got wrapped around his feet and I don't know they just feel like his body looks too pathetic and so they change his clothes and move him somewhere which if it's a murder seems like a bad thing to have done
But I don't think they are assuming it's a murder and they don't want him to be shamed by his I guess impoverished appearance in death
I don't know there's just something about it that that's a little bit fairy tale-esque
But then it also reminds me a little bit of when colorless goes to Finland
I guess I have this whole kind of wintry world in my head based on I don't know movies probably and it doesn't get a lot of play normally so I guess since it's cold
And it is a little bit cold
I'm kind of afraid to turn on my heater because you know when you turn on your heater for the first time the central heating for the first time of the season you get all that kind of like burning smell from I don't know dust or whatever whatever it is I don't know but you know that smell I'm talking about right it's not just well
You know I had that apartment that the guy next door his heater when it kicked on it caught whatever that was on fire and so I've had fear ever since then the first time of the season that I would turn the heat on but every other year I've managed to push through the fear and turn the heat on
But I might not make it this year
I mean maybe maybe I will but I haven't you know it was cold but this place although it is not really very well insulated I guess it's a reasonably well insulated except at the doors and windows which are appalling but once you build up a temperature it maintains it pretty decently well no I mean it got cold but it didn't get as cold inside as it was outside I guess it's what I was trying to say because it was like 35 outside and it was not 35 inside in fact I didn't look at the thermostat so I don't know what the temperature was inside
Yeah well my head hurts and I sound kind of pathetic and like I'm having some kind of real psychological issues which I mean I am having psychological issues but I don't think I'm a danger to myself and others so that's good
I love you
And it doesn't seem to matter how old I get I always get kind of excited about my birthday
But I'm going to be 55 and that seems good
Double nickels is a safe speed
Remember exactly what that's from I sort of think it was from one of those dolls that you pull the string and it talks but what doll would have said that I mean wasn't like a Jimmy Carter doll was it I don't know you know from back when they made the speed limit 55 to save gasoline
I keep working on that story in my head bits and pieces of it come together and different ways I would still like it to be a mystery I don't know why I think it's because I like to read mystery scent because a mystery is a thing
So then it's not some amorphous supposed to be the great American novel whatever you know it's it's a thing that has parameters but I don't know one part that came to me that I just love
You know Mr sluggo the snail who hasn't been back I don't know what happened to him or where he went I think the cat and I scared him away but anyway in my story he didn't get scared away in my story not only does he stay and have it the night kitchen but he writes me things so I'll like find these kind of snail trail mail
And I love that I mean I think it might be more well suited to a children's book in a lot of ways but then again it could be kind of spooky
Also showers are portals sort of to communicate into the past and the future
Possibly the commune in the desert is in the past and possibly I'm trying to influence them in ways or they might be able to save the future or at least the present but I'm not too sure maybe that's too complicated
I got to go to sleep
Goodnight 💋 sweetheart 💋
