So the story I'm finding that I don't really want to write it just like normal I almost want that main character to be a time traveler from now but maybe that's crazy

And then I also have been thinking for a long time and I just keep wanting this to be in there even though it doesn't fit

There's like this woman and she gets a group of people together and they start like a commune kind of thing kind of like the Raj nishis in Oregon except less f***** up

And she starts a religion

And so there's all the stuff of the religion

But it's out in the desert

And I can't decide if it's in Texas or in California but it's global warming but in the desert

So it's kind of juxtaposed the people living on the boats and then the with too much water and then the people in the desert that don't have any water and how they use reclamation or whatever rain capture I don't know exactly what they do

And I haven't been writing it writing it I've been trying to work out how things have to fit together and what things are but I haven't actually been you know like but I you know I don't really want to just have it be dialogue I really don't enjoy writing dialogue I don't think I'm terrible at it but I I don't like it so much

I just keep thinking I want it to be

I don't know a pistolary really epistolary thank you

But then I don't know

I've been rephotographing things for the Etsy store because when we first started out I didn't take enough pictures and I wasn't that good at it and I didn't have my like systems down yet so I've been rephotographing the earlier things that don't have lots of pictures

And this is what keeps happening

I have a list of the ones that I'm going to retake because I looked through to see which ones you know didn't look that good or didn't have that many pictures so I've got a list but she's posting them because I'm not really sure exactly why but I'm taking the pictures and then she's posting them and so I'm just doing like you know six at a time because you know there's 10 pictures each and that's 60 pictures and you know that's enough to deal with and besides with the algorithm it's better if you post more frequently you know it's better if you post a few everyday rather than a whole bunch of once

So I have this list

And I pick one up and I look at it and I go Man I don't like that cuz I'm taking pictures of all these winged hearts that she's got and I don't really like those just in general they're kind of cutesy but just I don't I don't like the way they're drawn I don't like the idea I just am not crazy about them any capacity

But whatever you know

So I pick one up and I go Man I don't like this and then I take my pictures of it and then I go man this is looks so good I want this one

Because after I photographed it and I've got all the texture and everything then I like it but I don't really like the original so much it's more the photographs I like so I don't know if that's super conceited or just crazy or what I don't know but

I've been taking vitamin d

Larger doses with the assumption that I'm very deficient

And you know it's funny because I was having headaches all the time like headaches that would last all day

And since I've been taking the vitamin d I've had one headache maybe two headaches but they were a very short-lived duration and all of my aches and pains are better I won't say they're gone but they're better

And my mood was much better but then last night night before last I don't know my mood just dropped

I think it was last night which might also have been the full moon or maybe not maybe that was the night before or the night before that I don't know I'm not sure there's a correlation with the full moon I was going to say oh my drop in mood happened with the full moon but I'm not certain of that at all it's been sometime within the last few days my mood just went down dramatically

And I seem very fat to me all of a sudden

I don't feel like I had made any drastic change in my eating habits at all I mean I really don't feel like I was eating more or worse but all of a sudden I just looked super fat to me

But that might correspond with getting the full-length mirror

In fact that probably is what it corresponds with

Because before I could really kind of only see the top half of me if I got back from the mirror the bathroom mirror I could see a little bit more but I really didn't have any way to see what I looked like and I felt like that was important

I had kind of always wanted a full-length mirror but somehow I just never got one because I thought they were going to be super expensive and I kept looking at resale shops because one time I saw one for a good price it was a full length it was really pretty too I was like a 70s mirror and it was a good price but at that particular moment I didn't have money for it and so I kept looking for another one which never materialized

Then I found I could get a really nice full-length mirror on Amazon for about a hundred bucks so I was like well f*** so I got the full length mirror and now I'm so fat

So anyway I've been doing the thing with the smoothies and the salad the kale baby kale I don't like grown up kale but I like baby kale

And I'm taking the Chlorella and wheatgrass tablets and vitamin d

The chlorella and the wheatgrass have a lot of vitamin k so I'm taking them with the d and then I have some magnesium some rapid absorption magnesium that I'm also taking with the it's liposomal vitamin d

And I don't really know what that means I know it's supposed to be better absorption

I know it's in an oil base and I think it's broken apart somehow so that it absorbs better but I haven't really looked it up so that I really understand what the difference is

But that guy who was talking about how the guy in Brazil has the protocol with all the people that are taking the super high doses of vitamin d that are some number of milligrams per kilogram of body weight

Well I don't feel like he quite correctly represented that guy's protocol because I looked it up of course I didn't just take his word for it and that guy is treating people who are vitamin d resistant so they don't absorb vitamin d like regular people do so it's not really apples to apples

Also those people all have autoimmune disorders You know they got like MS and stuff

They're not just like you know regular people with chronic pain and stuff

I did find out they did some studies where they gave people up to like $300,000 IU's or something why does this always assume that any numeric amount is a dollar amount not $300,000 just 300,000 IU's so anyway they gave him these large doses of vitamin d and they were okay so they've determined that there is no single dose you know toxicity you can't like overdose on it but there are the situations that he talked about and that part did seem to be fairly accurate about how you can get the calcification and magnesium thing of a bob and whatever

And I started taking like 1,000 mg today and then I went up to 2,000 mg a day and then I went up to 4,000 mg a day and then I got some no not milligrams I use I'm sorry I'm not used to talking about vitamins and I use and I misspoke not milligrams that would be a huge dose

So then I got some liposomal that are $5,000 I use each and I've worked my way up to about $50,000 God damn it it's not money it's numbers of I use

Anyway so I worked my way up to 50,000

But I don't know that I feel safe taking that much everyday I mean I think probably if I was deficient I've probably raised my number enough that I'm no longer deficient so I guess the next step would be to order a test but I have to decide what amount I want to take until I do that

Also when I did that color mixing the other day

I like the qor watercolors

But I wanted to do a palette that was half the qor watercolors and half the DaVinci

But some of the things I like to do don't work when you mix them You have to have all core because the way they run and flow and everything they they don't do that if you have them mixed with other colors in fact they tend to push into other colors in an odd way which could be great if that's what you're wanting it to do but it means that your colors don't all work the same and it's kind of a pain

So then I was like well you know if you were just going to get the smallest number of the qor to use as like a limited palette what would you use

And I love the indigo blue and the raw umber I like to mix those two together in varying degrees to get everything from like a blue green to a green brown you know it just I of the core colors when I paint with them that is what I like to do the most is to use those two colors to get a variety of mixes so I'm like okay well those two and then I was like and then the quinacridone magenta and the transparent pyrole orange

But the thing is is that that orange is not a color that I would paint with on its own and I was thinking well you know that's okay because I mixed the orange and the magenta and I get can get any shade of red

Any other thing I like to do with the course is do this red thing that varies from you know fired flower to feathers to whatever it's just a cool shapes and I was thinking I was making them with just those two but then I started playing around and in fact no I don't I also used the pyrole red deep and the quinacridone red light and the quinacridone burnt scarlet then in that range for some reason it's called quinacridone burnt orange but it's the same pigment in the same color as other brands quinacridone burnt scarlet so then and I was like in that orange I still just would never use that straight by itself but like the magenta I can mix that with the indigo blue and get all ranges of purple I can mix the magenta with the raw umber and get a broad range of you know darker purpley reds

But none of the yellows that I had would mix a decent green

And so I was getting to the point where I was like well you know how much do you really use green

I have some quinacridone gold that came in the starter kit and that makes beautiful green but I hate that color and so then I was like well you know so what then I've got the orange I don't like so that I can make reds and I've got the yellow I don't like so that I can make greens that's no fun I want it to be colors where I love every color and I love the colors that you mix when you mix every color with every other color

And I don't know why but that's the kind of thing that just obsesses me

And I have for some reason this very specific feeling about yellow like it's got to be a specific yellow it can't be too light it can't be too dark it can't be too orange it can't be too lemony it's got to be exactly the right shade right and I have that golden oak or color in DaVinci that I really really like but the closest equivalent color is the darolide

But then I remembered I had seen a video where somebody was watching all their yellows and they had a nickel azo yellow from qor

And I have previously thought that I did not like Nicole azzo God damn it nickel Azo yellow

And it is bright I mean it's really really bright

But it is like magic for the color mixing

If you mix it with the indigo blue you get this beautiful olive color almost as pretty as the one you get with the quinoa gold which makes sense really quinoa gold really quinacridone gold which makes sense because quinacridone gold is made with nicolaso yellow and some orange

When you mix it with raw umber it makes this beautiful green gold color which I was not expecting usually I kind of know what color I'm going to get when I mix colors together but I was not anticipating that the umber and this yellow would make a beautiful just beautiful green gold color

When you mix it with the Quinn acronym magenta quinacridone magenta if you just put a little bit of the magenta in you get like a new gamboge color but if you mix more in then you get like an orange but it's not like a bright orange and you get very shades of red as well

But it's a pretty warm red pretty You don't get like a full range of red it's then I was like well I don't think I need the orange I think this yellow replaces the orange but I'm not 100% happy with the range of reds that I can mix

So then I tried all the other colors I have and the quinacridone red light when I mix that with the indigo I get this smoky purple lavender kind of color that's really nice when I mix it with the raw umber I can't remember what I get I don't think it was set in my world on fire but it was a decent color when I mix it with the yellow I get a broad range of oranges that are clear not not like earthy or muddy or anything they're just clear pretty oranges and when I mix it with the magenta I get everything from pink like a warmer rosy pink to you know a little bit more intense red colors oh I remember when I mix it with raw umber what I get is more like a flesh tone that you can mix lighter or darker depending upon you know how much brown and how much red and how much water etc and of course the coin acronym red light quinacridone red light is pretty color on its own so with those five colors those are all colors that I like on their own would be willing to use on their own except that I very rarely use a color on its own I almost always mix it but what I was doing with that color mixing is I was mixing on the paper so it wasn't like taking the paints and mixing them up to make a shade and then painting it I was painting all the colors together on the paper and the thing that made me decide that I was willing to do the quinacridone red light when it wasn't strictly speaking necessary was when I put the red down and then I put the blue over it and then I put yellow over all that I could get a range of warm browns

So those five colors are all pretty clean nice colors and I can mix almost any color from those colors now not a light blue I suppose if you brought in the Cobalt teal then you can mix that with the other blues you can get a lighter blue

Now I guess if I was doing my complete palette that was going to be my main watercolor palette I would for sure have some DaVinci colors because I've got that Rossi and a deep that I love that color and I've got the alizarin Gold which I really love as a dark orange/worm red really warm red and I've got the quinacridone Wait no it's called rosematter quid acronym quinacridone and I love both of those colors but then when you mix them together you really do get a full range of the most beautiful reds

And I really do like the perelyne maroon and the violet iron oxide I mean those colors that's what

That's five colors but I really do also enjoy the Joyce's mother green and the browns that I mix with that and the maroon and I really do enjoy the blues that I mix from the pains gray and the cobalt blue so I mean the first string to Vinci colors are those five but

The DaVinci paints well I mean some of them are granulating the violet iron oxide is somewhat granulating for sure but the cobalt blue is much less granulating than it is in most other lines and and the pain's gray feels a little bluer it's I think it's oppression blue-based really Prussian blue-based

And I super love this sodalite blue from Daniel Smith and I super love the shaminke deep sea indigo

But those are very granulating

And I'm not sure that I want the granulating colors on a palette where there's just like a couple of granulating colors mixed in you know I think I prefer to have them on a separate palette that's more focused around granulating colors

So I haven't really tried mixing the DaVinci colors and the qor

And I mean I'm sure it's possible to mix them well I mean that's not true I have mixed the Rossi and a deep in plenty really raw sienna deep in with the qor paints a lot and it works just fine if you're mixing them but if you're doing some of the things I do doesn't work as well

I feel like I'm just babbling now

And I've been sitting here for a while I watched that one thing that I didn't even know was there for hours I don't know how I missed it I guess it must not have been there when I checked it when I got home and then I made food and started doing other things and didn't go back and check it for a while

So I watched that

And today when I was at the studio with my mom I just kept thinking about the story I'm trying to write

And having the main character writing to someone about what she was seeing

And having it kind of being a mystery who she was writing to or not she

That's another thing I don't think I necessarily want to do the whole non-binary thing I think I'd rather just have it be ambiguous

But then I got to thinking about the time traveler thing and I got kind of excited

And then I got to thinking more about it being me writing to you

And then I wondered if that makes it better or if that ruins my whole concept

And then I started wanting to write something that might be part of that or might not be part of that about the zoo

And I suppose it's all right to write a story again and again especially if it's been years since you wrote it and you think you might have something different

And I feel like I've liked a pretty fair number of book no prize winners really book no book no book no how am I saying bookner and you're getting book no

So I've been paying attention to who they're picking for their short list and there's one it's really quite a short book but I think I'm going to have to read it

It's called no one is talking about this

Anyway I probably need to go to sleep oh that reminds me The other thing about the vitamin d is that I have not had any problem going to sleep I mean it might be making me actively sleepy I'm actively sleeping now and I guess I've been up since 9:00 this morning and I probably went to bed 4ish so you know admittedly I've probably only had about 5 hours of sleep but I've just been so tired all day but at this point I'm like super less functional than normal normally at this point I would be perfectly functional and capable of going you know until at least 9:00 in the morning because you know 24 hours and I still think that 24 hours on did I do 24 hours on or did I do 36 hours on I think it was I think that might have been one day that I stayed up 36 hours but I mean 24 hours up 12 hours sleeping is or has been totally doable for me in fact it's been kind of what I've been drifting towards normally but now I'm really tired and I've been really tired for hours I was thinking about going to sleep when I found that there was thing to watch and then I had to do other things which weren't as good as I would normally want them to be but I just wasn't sharp so searching was problematical

This has really rambled on quite a bit I think

I'm sorry about that

But I have a feeling

That if I don't stop talking now and go to sleep I'm going to get less and less coherent pretty quickly

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

So I had this dream

And how a lot of moving parts so I didn't try to tell you about it

But it's in this future kind of dystopian anthropocene world

And the more I got to thinking about it the more I decided that it was maybe different than any of the future dystopian anthropocene worlds I'd read so far and perhaps interesting

And so then I was trying to decide did I want to try to write this and maybe I do

But that one thing got me remembering the whole how much do you have to tell readers

That that writing class of long ago

Said you have to tell them enough that they know what's going on and I don't believe that that's true

I believe they need to be able to have an entry point but they don't have to know everything that's going on when you start I mean that's crazy if you think about all of the great science fiction dystopian future stories none of them explain everything for you all of them only just give you enough information and you kind of have to piece it all together on your own because if they gave you all the information they'd be describing the whole world before any of the story started

And I don't know whether remembering that was somehow a trigger to the dream or not probably not

That's what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days

This kind of framework and which direction I want to build it

I still would kind of like there to be a mystery but then there are several different ways to go with that

And I have several different ideas

I don't know if they're all mutually compatible so I've been trying to kind of run scenarios in my head and I'm not convinced yet that they are all compatible but I'm not sure that they all have to be one story either

And I'm not sure how much of the story I want to tell you cuz I'm not really sure what direction it's going yet so maybe I'll just catch out the ideas I have so far

So it's the future I'm not sure exactly what you're in the future it is but a while the sea level has risen so a lot of the south is underwater and this is set in south or I guess more accurately the Gulf Coast

So there are a lot of people who have been displaced because the land that used to live on is gone and so people have people who have money have bought up these boats that are you know boats that people lived on working boats like you know this is like East Texas Louisiana area where there were all those boats that would go out and work on offshore oil rigs and stuff I don't know exactly how big those boats are this boat I have in mind for the story maybe smaller than those boats but regardless people who have money have bought up these boats and they have retrofitted them with the things that the government has said they have to have in order to be authorized living places for people and then you know if you go to one of these boats you basically sign over your UBI for in exchange for living on the boat so that's your housing and they have to have you know at least some marginal form of entertainment and they have to have a there's like a health check booth type thing that you go into and it can check your mostly genetics so it looks for viruses it looks for diseases that require attention blah blah blah you know and then it also has is equipped with a 3D printer that prints food and clothes and stuff like that so you have your basic needs met and the boat has to provide that to you but you know there aren't any jobs so you're pretty much just sitting around all day doing whatever you're doing

And there's television

I mean it's not television it's like you know streaming whatever of quote reality shows end quote but they're not even I mean there aren't now really reality shows they're scripted but these are even more scripted because they are an environments that don't actually largely exist anymore they're largely like either complete fantasy or nostalgia kind of things

And the environment is so inhospitable with the level of toxins and unusable land or underwater land whatever that people have largely lost their fertility and there are some places where people can work you know where there's you know whatever it's not all like these boats right but but there's a lot of people who can't they can't work they can't do anything they're just like living out their lives in these shelter type places and so

But then also there's a lot more mutation disease and stuff like that because of higher radiation levels and whatever so rich people they want stem cell therapy so fetuses are in really high demand so what people spend their time doing largely is f****** pretty much constantly because if they can get pregnant then they can go get an abortion and get paid a lot of money for their fetus

So the main character

I don't know what her name is yet and I'm not sure it's a her she might be an NBie

I'm really leaning towards making her ACE

So that puts her at a immediate odds with the whole society basically because they're all just f****** all the time and she's a sexual

And it's in the future so it's not like that's not an accepted thing to be it's just that it's not the norm and it's not the best way to make friends

Because the cultural expectation when she goes on to this boat is that that's just what everybody spends their time doing all the time is f****** and it's not tied in with relationships or you know emotions or anything it's just like you know playing video games or any other like random pastime you know if they're like some number of people on this boat well they're all going to be sleeping with each other and they don't care it's not got anything to do with a love relationship it's just a thing they do right

So she's not interested in that and that's fine nobody's holding that against her but you know it just kind of puts her outside of the main group just because she's not participating in a lot of the activities

But then I thinking was maybe there's this one girl who she's not put off at all by her being ACE

But she wants to know if she's ARO

Because this girl was kind of attracted to her

And what she wants is to have a romantic relationship with somebody but she doesn't really want to have a romantic relationship with all these people that she's f****** because that's just complicated and it causes troubles

And she's kind of lonely and thinky and the end of the world is kind of getting her down

And she sees this new person and she has this hope that she could maybe be lifted out of this depressing meaningless abyss

And ARO NBie

They're not too sure

never having been in a romantic relationship doesn't really understand why that would be a desirable thing

Theyr relationship with the world is such that to tie yourself to another person in any way seems like a limit on freedom a danger of burden a much more complicated mathematical equation at every juncture

But the end of the world is getting them down too so it's worth thinking about

I never having had a desire for romance before pretty quickly comes to the conclusion that if in fact they're any kind of romantic at all they must be Demi romantic

So then the question becomes are they Demi romantic with this person do they want in fact to do that is the fact that this person is interested in doing that with them enough of a reason to explore that or do they need to decide on their own whether they're interested in doing that so there's kind of a tension there

And then I have this other idea and it's perhaps a little bit less original and it's a little more problematical so I'm tempted to admit that but then I don't have a mystery maybe

And that is that at the point when they decide maybe they do want to have a relationship with this person of course she gets pregnant

And then does that change anything is the goal then supposed to be that they raise the child together or does the girl go off and have her abortion and get all her money and then what is done with the money just a girl go off someplace else does she go with her does she at least go with her to have her abortion so that she's not traveling across the dangerous wilderness by herself or do you have to travel across the dangerous wilderness by yourself does some rich person come along and pick you up in a helicopter to take you off how does that all work I don't know

And then of course here's the part where the mystery would come in or a part where the mystery could come in I suppose it could be other mysteries as well but the more obvious mystery is of course is that really what happens when you go to the place where you're supposed to get your big abortion and your big money pay off for delivering the fetus is that really what happens or do they then you know lock you up in their lab and study you to see why you were able to get pregnant when all these other people aren't

That just seems like a lot of action and a lot more like a movie but the first part just seems so like nothing is happening

Although I mean you know it's a lot more like the nakano thrift store and it's quiet kind of human almost non-interaction but I just don't think that by itself is enough to carry the story and I mean of course you got the end of the world but that's not much happening so

There's a way in which I'm wanting it to be kind of like the nakano thrift store meets blade runner

Although I mean damn when I put it like that it sounds kind of some shallow Hollywood pitch

And that's exactly not what I'm wanting it to be

But one thing that isn't is a story about me and that's cool

Or I mean in a way it is about me but it's not about me you know I mean it's like getting to explore a lot of different feelings and thoughts around different parts of me kind of stripped out and I think that's kind of how it's supposed to be where I mean like there's a way in which you're everybody but nobody is you

So I don't know

I'm leaning towards not doing the big thing where they travel across country to get to the abortion payoff

And I think that probably the abortion payoff probably isn't money

Because money is largely useless in this world so I think rather than being money it's being one of these streaming stars because since everybody spends all their time you know watching the streaming or playing video games or whatever to have some kind of position in that world I mean you can see now how it's becoming more and more about that anyway so in the future when there's nothing to do except wait for the end of the world surely that would be even more heightened so you get your abortion and then as payment you get to be one of these reality TV star kind of people

And that actually could fit in just fine with your being studied because they could do that you know while they're having you be on the show because you're in an artificial environment anyway so yeah I think that works

But I still have things I've got to work out but anyway that's what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days kind of working my thoughts out around that

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

For the love of god

do not go to any part of Florida

or

actually

any of the southern states

it's not safe

even if you're vaccinated

even if you don't catch the COVID

which you can

even if you're vaccinated

and you can transmit it to others

because the delta viral load is much much higher

even if you are safe from all that

if you have any kind of accident

there are no ICU beds

in pretty much the whole south

please

please

be safe

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Look I just want to make sure you understand

When I say there's no aspect of my life that I feel like I've really got

That I realized now could sound different than how I meant it

What I mean is

I feel very like I don't really know what I'm doing

Like new mind

And the world seems very dangerous

I'm barely leaving my house still

I've been out to eat twice since I've been vaccinated

And not once since say mid-June

When the Delta number started climbing

I don't necessarily feel like I know what I'm doing in any capacity is what I mean

Not oh my God I'm miserable

Nothing is working

I don't believe in anything anymore

I don't mean that

I just mean that for my brain to be telling me now hey you got it Rose you're on top of it

Just seemed really strange

Because I don't feel like I really have any idea what's going on

But I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way

I mean like I said I'm not really worried

But I am worried

But I'm not worried about anything in particular I'm not like directing that you know

I just don't know where I'm going from here

In a lot of aspects of life

So I'm not like sending out a bat signal or anything I'm not freaking out I'm just surprised that my brain thinks that now is a time to say it's all good

When my anxiety level has been extra high

And I haven't been feeling well

And generally

I do not feel like I have my s*** together

Does that make sense

It looks like the weather is over

no flooding

?nap? time

💋

The wind has been howling

It's been raining off and on

Store made landfall a couple hours ago

Near some place called Sargent

I swear to God in Texas

There are so many towns that I've never heard of

Sergeant isn't too far from palacios

I think it's about halfway between palacios and Freeport

That's what it looked like on the map

So I've been having liquid

I had some kind of exciting sounding tea that's called chaguar

Or something like that

It's made with chaga and some kind of leaf

It's Siberian

It tastes okay

But I was kind of hoping that it would be more tasting like chaga and I could add it to my root blend

Anyway whatever I kind of want coffee and cinnamon rolls

Then I had smoothie

The first one

I have this box of baby kale leaves

And I thought I would test out this thing I'm always hearing oh you can mix greens into your smoothie and you don't even taste it but I think they use spinach which has a lot less flavor

No I am not a fan of kale generally but that's more of a texture thing

If you cook the kale for a long long time then it just kind of takes on a mustard green collard green kind of vibe but I'm just not sure that it's super healthy like maybe you're cooking out all the goodness if you're cooking it that long you know and since I actively like collard greens and I'm kind of meh about kale

It just doesn't seem worthwhile to bother with the kale cuz it's not like Kayla's really healthier

But I discovered that I like the baby kale because it doesn't have that really hard texture and it's got a little more flavor than you know lettuce so it's nice to mix in so from the imperfect I got a head of romaine and a red cabbage and a box of baby kale and I was going to make salads but I thought I would try it out in the smoothie

So I jammed a bunch of kale in there and through a few pieces of frozen peach but not very many right like not as much as a whole peach and a big scoop of coconut yogurt

And the coconut yogurt it tastes good but it doesn't taste like yogurt but this coconut yogurt is really thick and it's really creamy and again it doesn't taste like yogurt I don't like it for yogurt but it would maybe work for cream cheese schmeer

I would say sour cream but again it's not very tart

So it's good but just not in that context so I'm trying to find a context for it

And I thought well you know smoothie it'll be good in the smoothie right so along with the kale and the not enough peach I put a scoop of coconut yogurt and some water and blend it all up

And it was as a smoothie

Pretty vile

But I think it's going to be the basis for a new salad dressing because it was very similar to like a green goddess dressing it just made me needed a couple of more ingredients right

And I like green goddess dressing I mean it's you know I prefer kind of a well and vinegar type action

But I mean this could be a really good salad dressing that you just mix up and pour on your salad right That's not full of oil

But really gross as a smoothie

I mean you wouldn't want to be drinking a big glass of salad dressing

But I drank it cuz I wasn't going to dump it down the sink and I was pondering what it needed as a salad dressing and whatever I don't know I probably should have just saved it to use as a salad dressing but I drink it

And then I got a little hungry later and I decided I was going to make a tasty smoothie

So I pretty much filled it up with frozen peaches and then I stuck a banana in there and threw a little orange juice and some water

And I wasn't sure the bananas were a good idea but they just looked very appealing to me I haven't had a banana for a long time

Haha appealing sorry that was not intended

Anyway so I had the smoothie and I don't know I got kind of light-headed like there was too much sugar in it or something except that I don't normally have that issue right so I don't know if it was simultaneously you know the storm moving in and giving me a headache or what but now I'm not so sure about the bananas that might just be too much sugar

Although I mean I had coffee and cookies the other day and that didn't cause me any problem

So I don't know

I might go see if any of my avocados are ripe but I bet they're not avocados just never want to ripen for me in fact although I love avocados and would normally eat an avocado every single day

I've had a lot of problems with avocados that are not ripe and not ripe and not ripe and then rotten

It's like the pears

I think it's got to do with all the chemicals that they spray on things to keep them from ripening and then get them to ripen and whatever I think it makes them confused I think it'd be better if they were allowed to just ripen naturally but then I guess you got to be closer to the food

Avocados grow in California and Florida and Mexico and they probably grow in the valley here but they don't grow in Houston it's too humid I mean the plants will grow but they don't make fruit

Anyway

When I said there wasn't any aspect of my life that I felt like I'd got I wasn't trying to be difficult or offensive

So if I came across that way I'm sorry

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

76 mile an hour wind gusts been recorded in Palacios

So probably going to be upgraded to a category 1 hurricane

They've downgraded the amount of rain they think we're going to get

I don't know what they're basing that on

But now they're thinking it's going to be more like 5 in than 10 in so who can say

I slept for a while

But I didn't remember to tell you

But I had this remarkable dream

I'm not sure maybe once before in my life I've had a dream like this but I'm not even sure about that

So it was the end of semester

But I was on top of it

For my English class I just had a paper and I was going through the book that I was going to use and Mark an off all the quotes pages

And

The other classes I was studying I had a schedule

I had food prepped so I could just take it out of the refrigerator and read it I didn't have to spend any time cooking

I was completely convinced

Then I had everything under control

And to tell you the truth

When I was actually in college

I had a system where I felt like I pretty much had everything under control and I got good grades you know I mean it's a stress dream it doesn't reflect my actual experience

So I don't know

Is my subconscious trying to tell me I've got this

Because I don't really feel like there's any aspect of my life right now that I've really you know got

I'm not super worried

But at the same time I am kind of super worried

So I don't know maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me that the vitamin d is going to fix all my problems

I don't know I'm just super impressed by that dream

Actually maybe I feel super prepared for storm I don't know

I don't have a sense that this is going to be as bad a flooding as Harvey but I don't know

But as long as it doesn't get in the house I think I'm prepared for everything short of that

And there isn't any way to really prepare for having water in your house

I need to check the weather again but it wasn't even a hurricane as of the last time I checked but of course here the hurricane isn't the problem it's the rain so I mean Harvey was a hurricane but the hurricane didn't hit us it was the tropical storm f***** us up

Allison wasn't a hurricane at all it was a tropical storm that just stalled over us for a long period of time

Anyway I'm off to listen to the weather

I'm having like this weird sensation

Like I'm seeing all these things that happen in the past where I sort of thought I knew what was going on

And now I'm thinking maybe I completely didn't know what was going on

And it's making me think

Am I the same person now that I was then

Was I then who I thought I was

I have this real sense of being kind of unmored in the open waters of my unknown self

Is that weird

I'm going to ?nap?

maybe

when I was driving around

I had this sense

of us

together

I really should leave the house more

Ok I took iron

I took vitamin d

I took various other vitamins

Haven't had any coffee for 2 days

I'm drinking medicinal teas

I've slept a lot

Had to drive my car around

I had to restock on hurricane supplies

Hurricanes coming maybe here maybe not we don't know that yet but they think it's coming tomorrow night so better safe than sorry

I love you very much sweetheart

Well

I did sleep 8 hours

I thought yesterday maybe I'd have something to say about 20-year anniversary of 9/11

But I find that I don't

I hope that you're doing okay

And that you're having fun

And being safe

The feeling like you know you're having more freedom than you've had for a while

Not like

Holy crap what's going on

I hear Trump is doing commentary on some fights tonight and that seems about right

You know disrespectful

Do you think you realized it was September 11th that he was doing the fight commentary on

I mean I know w did a speech today I didn't hear it but he did a speech in Pennsylvania for the plane crash site

I gather he made some comments about

Americans needing to come together and be one group of people

And although I still haven't forgiven him

And I feel like a lot of the s*** Trump was allowed to get away with was legacy of w

I certainly am glad that he's not supporting white supremacists

I don't know

It just seems like it's all been downhill since Reagan

But then I suppose

If I was a little older

It might have been all downhill since Nixon

And probably that's not a productive game to play anyway

I can't believe how late in the year it is already

Kind of sad to remember I don't like pumpkin spice lattes anymore

It was cool to look forward to that

But they're gross

My head hurts

And there's a storm brewing in the Yucatan

And I dreamed that I had ordered a bagel delivery and then been sent some sort of a thing saying true or false I want a bagel delivery

And I wasn't very awake and so somehow I falsified my bagel delivery

And I didn't get any bagels

And I was sad

And I woke up with a song stuck in my head but it isn't a real song so I guess I wrote it in my sleep but it wasn't very good

And now I can't remember

It mostly used a word that is in a real word it was the kind of like I don't know it was sing-songy

And it was the something or other man

But it wasn't a word it was

The Prespemonitory Man

Or something like that

I slept like 12 hours yesterday

I woke up after 8:00 but I had a headache and I went back to sleep

I guess I've only been up about 9 or 10 hours at this point but I think I'm going to go back to sleep

And maybe that will mean that I won't have to sleep a long time

I don't know though I seem to be having trouble

And I don't know if that's allergies

Or depression

Or menopause

Or that I'm just lazy and worthless I don't know

I can't convince myself to do a water fast

That's too intense for me right now

So I think what I'm going to do

It's a very limited

Mostly liquid

Diet

I will include some solid foods

I'm going to do juice and broth and medicinal herb teas

Then I'm going to do some smoothies and oatmeal but not instant oatmeal I've been having a lot of instant oatmeal lately not instant like the real cook kind and salads so it was pretty limited ingredient

But I just I don't know I don't feel well

And my focus is very bad

I love you very much sweetheart

I hope you're taking good care of yourself

I worry about how safe it is out there

Please be as careful as you can

And have as much fun as you can

That's the really important thing I think

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I love you sweetheart 💋

gotta sleep fast

I love you💋

Gonna try to sleep now

💋

It is taking cats and dogs here

⛈️🍕

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well we've got the 36

But I'm going to try and not to do 12 I'm going to try to make it more like 6 or 7

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Not having much luck with the sleeping

Well

I might take a nap

I'm not sure that 36/12 is gonna work

as like a regular thing

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Okay 36 hours is possibly my record

So I took some melatonin and I'm going to try to go to sleep

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Well on Sunday night I didn't get a lot of sleep

So then I slept a lot on Tuesday

And then I couldn't sleep at all on Tuesday night so I didn't get any sleep before I went to the studio Wednesday

And I thought well since I'd been up all night and I didn't get any sleep that then I would be super sleepy and I would go to sleep tonight

And there was a point when I was sitting down and I was kind of nodding off in the chair but then I got my second wind and so I'm still up so I've been up for

Like 34 35 hours maybe

I have all these images

But they don't really I mean I have to figure out a way to fit them into the story they don't really fit into the story they could fit into the story

But I'm more interested in the images than I am about trying to make them fit into the store

And the sky is falling and the world is falling apart and you were right about my thoughts regarding that one thing

And there's a book that I read years ago called Brand New Cherry flavor I may have mentioned it at some point and when I was working on my story I was thinking man I'd really like to get a little of that kind of feeling and I think I still have the book somewhere but I can't find it so maybe I don't

And I went to look on audible to see if they had it and they didn't have it when I was first thinking about it so actually maybe I was thinking about that before I even started writing my story cuz it was probably like a month ago that I looked to see if they had it maybe a little bit longer I don't know and they didn't

But then in my Twitter feed it just came up hey if you need something to watch there's this show on Netflix called brand new chair flavor and I was like you know the universe is just I mean it's answering a lot of my simple demands or simple requests or simple desires you know I mean like the things like I would like for the sky to not fall I would like for it not to be apocalypse I would like to still be living in a democracy

You know those things it doesn't seem to be doing anything about

But if I say man I'd really like to read brand new cherry flavor

Which is out of print

Then it produces a whole Netflix series

So then when I found out it was Netflix series I went and looked on audible and now they have it

And they have one on eBay that still has a couple more days to go and it's up to $83 for a trade paperback

So I mean assuming I could find it and wanted to sell it I could probably get you know roughly that amount for it

I don't really want to sell it though

But whatever the Netflix series I've watched all about the last two shows and it is not like the book in almost every particular and yet somehow is the same story

Which is tricky to do

I mean people have been making books in a movies as long as there have been movies being made which is a long time and they frequently make changes from the book to the movie

And I mean it's almost inevitable because there are so many things that a book can do that a movie can't do and so many things that a movie can do that a book can't do that I mean you really have to translate it to the medium and try to get the feeling the same but like you know if there's a lot of you know dialogue narration

When you can have a voiceover but you know that's not something that is really desirable unless you're doing a particular kind of gumshoe mystery right

And this book had a lot of things that ideally needed to be changed because it's in the era of me too now

So like in the book she's working for a movie producer and she's trying to get I think she's trying to get a director job and he keeps promising her and she's been sleeping with him for years and he just keeps promising and promising but then he never makes good on his promises and this time he said for sure and she believed him for some reason and then somebody's niece was promised something and there's no room for her

And she's kind of like you know I've been sleeping with this guy for years and he's just stringing me along right well that wouldn't fly now because the idea that she's knowingly you know sleeping with him and participating in this corrupt system that really shouldn't be that is degrading to women and probably to men as well but you know it's the women who are going to get upset about it mostly I mean they don't want to do that in an alien ate their audience from the start

Besides then it calls into question whether she really is you know any good and ready to do it and all that kind of stuff you know

And in this show she's this young woman who's just kind of hit town with this incredible short film you know that's just blowing everything up and whatever and she wants to get her film made and the guy gives her contract and she signs it and she's supposed to be directing it and then he says no I'm going to have somebody you know who's already paid their dues directed and he's not cutting her out exactly she could still be involved in the process but she hadn't got any interest in that she wants to direct her film and she feels like it's being taken away from her

So in the first book in the book she was not a sympathetic character really she was kind of an auntie hero and I kind of liked that You know that she was only maybe marginally better than the bad guys and then she goes and does all this bad s*** and then is she better than the bad guys no she's worse in the bad guys right but it was an interesting story and I liked the the darkness and the grittiness and the supernaturalness

And she doesn't believe in the supernaturalness at the beginning and she slowly comes to believe it through a series of things that happen to her

Well in this Netflix series I don't want to spoil it so I'm not going to tell you too much but she's got all this like dark baggage

Which I haven't seen the end so I don't know how it reveals but and also the magic person I'm not sure that they labeled the magic person as a brujo or a you know wizard or anything like that I don't think they specified exactly but it was a man and they're all these particular things that happen and they're all changed in the show it's a woman not a man but then it turns out well I don't want to tell you something

And some things get conflated and some things just get changed and yet somehow it still has the same flavor you know

And so as I'm watching it I'm like man I still want this I want this kind of dark and it's kind of a mystery I mean I guess you'd have to call it a mystery but there's not a detective and there are a lot of elements of horror or something

But it isn't a horror show

I really like it

But I have all these images she falls asleep or maybe not asleep but she lays her head down and it kind of melts and congeals around this hammer and then she has a hammer like embedded in her head

And there's this cylindrical maybe it's a fish tank or maybe it's some kind of a tube coming up through the floor to the ceiling that's got some sort of creature in it it's maybe like an octopus

And there's this it's like a it's more like a big brochure than an album but it has pictures of her mother on some sort of trip and on some of the pictures when you like do whatever the technological equivalent for this brochure like you put your hand over a picture or something and it becomes like a short video clip but it's still playing in the slick paper so I guess that's kind of like Harry Potter but not exactly

I just I feel very out of sorts

Kind of depressed

Disgusted

I don't have any faith in the Democrats

I want them to get their s*** together and stop the Republicans from doing what they're doing

The next time they're not going to need to have an insurrection they're just going to change the votes

If the Democrats don't get this s*** together then it's not going to matter who really wins in 2024 because it's going to be the Republican

And you know it's already too late for global warming you know we can't just take some measures and everything's going to be fine we're way past that point

Now we're at the point where if we don't take some pretty serious measures it's going to be apocalypse 24/7

So I'm sorry I'm doing a very bad job of talking to you and giving you companionship and whatnot but I'm not very good company right now

Anyway I couldn't sleep at all last night I'm hopeful that I'll be able to sleep tonight but I don't know

I love you sweetheart 💋 

⛈️🍕

I love you sweetheart

I hope you are having adventure

Sorry I'm not talky-er

I've gotta sleep a few hours now

Be safe out there

💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Demon's, Diamonds, and Love-Arms

I hope you had a lot of fun

Sleeping now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Ok

I guess now I sleep in short blocks

I'm going to start another one now

I hope

You are having

a wonderful adventure

which still manages

to be comfortable and safe

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

At this point it's going to be a nap

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very 💋

 i love you sweetheart

i'm gonna sleep now

did not go to studio

allergies

headache

rained hard

did not do anything else productive

There is going to be more

I just have a bunch of different ideas and I'm not sure what I'm doing next

Plus I ended up sleeping later than I plan to

And then I went down several rabbit holes

I need to go to sleep now

I am going to the studio tomorrow

I love you very much sweetheart💋

Gonna sleep a little

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

working title: each frame has its own reality / 4

 The ice bath had a magnetic repulsion force.

"Hold still," said the face pouring icy water over her with a long empty plastic ragu jar.

She did not hold still.  She shivered and flopped around.

"Hold still!"

"Yeah, give the girl a break, she's trying to bring your fever down," the man in the suit smiled down at her from above.

"How are you floating above me now?" she asked confused.

"What are you talking about," asked the face "I'm the opposite of floating, I'm trying to weigh you down."

"I'm not floating, I'm a holographic projection, but only you can see me, so try to be a little more low key will you."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to hold still," wailed the face.

"I want to go over the agent files with you and discuss the next phase, but what I seem to be doing is some sort of psych op.  When do you think you'll have it pulled together enough to continue?"

"What are you talking about?!"

"You are running a really high fever.  I'm trying to get your body temperature down."

"Better let her do that, huh," smiled the floating man in the suit before winking out of existence.  

working title: each frame has its own reality / 3

"For now let's not worry about who I am, please, finish your story."

"What makes you think I wasn't finished?"

"You set up a dichotomy at the beginning."

"Yeah, fair enough," she mused "new school, old school."

"Please continue..."

"Ok.  So we moved from an apartment to a rental house and that meant changing schools mid-semester.  The "new school" was an older building without the multi-use rooms or anything interactive, old and boring and like standard nothing nice, but the school yard was amazing.  At that school, I lived to be outside with the old trees, the playground, the view of the decorative candy store window changing displays across the street."

"They dropped me off in one of the rooms after asking the teacher briefly if she had room for one more and then she promptly seemed to forget all about me.  Apparently the other students had some sort of reading plans, I never got one, and though I can't imagine who else she thought was going to give me one, she was surprised. Maybe she thought they had moved me from another room rather than another school.  Finally she decided that it was too far into the year to be bothering with that and I should just read whatever I wanted to read, but all that was available was a bunch of old fun with dick and jane books.  I didn't really know how to read yet, not really, or I didn't think so, but I did manage to learn to read the fun with dick and jane books.  1973."

"The one bit of instruction that I do remember getting from the teacher was a bit of her life philosophy which she thought she would give us to live our lives by.  It was called ME-3.  This, she had said, was a guideline that we should use to make any and all decisions throughout our lives.  1 - God.  2 - Family.   3 - Me.  That should be our order of priority."

"So as a child then, how do you make decisions where God is your top priority?"

"Man, I have no idea, but ME-3 is a catchy name for a life philosophy."

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

working title: each frame has its own reality / 2

"What are you doing out of bed?" the face seemed surprised.

"You told me to get up and make my own soup..." she trailed off in confusion.

"Ok, well, that makes no sense at all," she said reaching up to feel her forehead "is it possible you're delirious?"

Thinking about the man in the window "yes, I'd say it's completely possible."

The face dragged her back to bed.

The bed resumed its gravitational force.  She looked at the topography of the ceiling.  Was that right?  Or was it like the tile in the kitchen?  She wasn't sure.  Not sure, she mused, uncertainty principle, alternative facts, divergent consensus realities.

"When I was in the first grade", she said to no one, she was alone in the room, "I went to a very new school for a few months, but by the end of the first semester I was at a different much older school.  The new school didn't have any plants or landscaping yet so whenever we were outside we would sit on our tin lunch boxes vaguely huddled together and long for the inside.  The school was pretty progressive for public elementary, so once we were inside we moved rooms in a big open area rotating between whatever the subjects were.  I don't really remember what they called them.  I remember there were three teachers and three areas.  One would make us do the go you chicken fat exercise, and then have us sit in a circle for lessons.  I don't remember the lessons.  I remember she had long blonde hair that she twisted around several fingers in some sort of perpetual nervous weaving tick that left me mesmerized, infected, bound to replicate it once I had left the school."

"The other teachers I have no recollection of them, but I do remember math class.  Math class was in the right back quadrant of the room.  It was new math, all number lines and greater than and less that.  I particularly liked that part.  The visual aids were alligators.  I remember my mother coming to some open house event, asking about the alligators.  Math is my favorite subject, I had said, I will tell you about the alligators."

"If an alligator is going to eat people, he would rather eat more people so the shape of his open mouth, see, is the shape of greater than, see, eat more people!  My mother, with her math degree, was completely flummoxed."

 "After all the excitement of the group learning room, and I'm sure there was lunch somewhere in there, there were separate rooms we went to for homeroom.  In homeroom we put our heads down and were quiet, and the lights were out.  At least that was what happened on the day I can remember."

"We had raggedy-ann and andy dolls as passes for the restroom.  If the doll was there you could take it and go, but if it wasn't there you had to wait.  This particular day, I had to go.  The doll was gone.  I waited, and waited, and waited until I couldn't wait any more.  Then I went up to the teacher and explained that I had to go.  She indicated that I had to wait.  I indicated that I had been waiting and I had to go.  But apparently not as desperately as I was supposed to--  I was later told.  You have to wait.  Ok.  I went back to my seat.  I waited.  Then, I didn't wait.  Some of the urine absorbed into my clothes and some of it ran down onto the dark dense short carpet and disappeared.  Well that worked out fine I thought and nodded off in relief."

"Subsequently the teacher discovered that one of the girls had taken the doll back to her seat, or left it in the restroom, or something, but at any rate I was now cleared to go.  Don't need to anymore, I answered without any emotion whatsoever."

"And did you not feel embarrassed?" the man in the suit asked.

"No.  It never occurred to me to feel embarrassed."

"Really?!" he asked, the total disbelief showing on his face.

"The teacher must have thought I would be embarrassed too, she asked me if I wanted her to call my mother to bring me some clean clothes.  Then I got a little scared.  No please don't call her I said.  I could not imagine the screaming that would come from being called to the school, bothered in her day that my step-mother would have unleashed upon me.  Besides, my clothes were basically dry by then, what was the big deal.  Perhaps I reeked, but I had no awareness of it."

"Did you not have a sense that big girls don't pee their pants?" he was taking notes in a small notebook.

"Well, sure, but I was doing what I was told.  I was used to rules being rather arbitrary, non-sensical, and detrimental to me, so it didn't seem worthy of note, really.  Then, I had a problem, and I delt with it in a covert non-problem-causing way, as far as I was concerned.  It never occurred to me that the carpet might need special cleaning, or that there might be any additional consequences.  The carpet under the desk looked fine, my clothes were not visibly wet.  I'm pretty sure none of the other kids were aware.  As far as I was concerned it was a non-issue."

"Fascinating."

"Glad you think so," she answered flatly "now who are you exactly?"

Just then the face popped in the door, "who are you talking to?"

"This guy," she said "right here, I don't know who he is."

"I think you really must be delirious.  Hang tight, I'll be back to take your temperature."

 

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much <3

more tomorrow

working title: each frame has it's own reality

 The bed seemed to have a gravitational force.  She stared at the ceiling.  Escape velocity, she mused.

A face peeked in the door.  "Can i get you anything?"

"Oh, if you could heat me up a can of soup", she couldn't quite finish the thought.

"Sure thing," and the face disappeared.

She nodded off.  She woke up.  She stared at the ceiling.  Drifting, she mused.

The face reappeared.  "You're going to have to come make it yourself, I'm too busy."  Gone again.

Maybe it was the force of the injustice of it that gave her the strength, "it is not as if I rang some bell and demanded service" she muttered loudly, shuffling her way to the kitchen.  

The face, now with it's back to her, was a contained cascade of curling dark hair.  She shrugged and found some tetra pack soup so she wouldn't have to fail the can opener test, heated the soup to just above tepid, poured it in a mug, and gulped it down as quickly as she could.  Still upright, she mused with pride, just as the face whipped past her in a frenzy of activity she couldn't process almost knocking her down.  "I gotta get out of here," she thought, and then reflexively "do you need my help with anything?"

"Oh, that would be amazing.  See those sticks of butter on the counter?  Please cut them all into butter pats and put them into those bowls of ice water."

She blinked in disbelief.  I'm visibly barely able to stand and I'm probably contagious I can't believe she took me up on that offer.  See what being polite gets you.  Or else the situation is pretty dire.  Butter, she mused.  This must be some sort of special butter because it was big.  Maybe it was a compound butter remolded or maybe it was made from scratch to begin with, either way she was not asking questions.

She started cutting the butter into quarter inch thick pats and putting it into ice water baths.  There was really not enough counter space for this kind of prep work.  Catering, she mused.  And speaking of the counter situation, these were weird counters.  They were tile.  With grout.  And they were aqua-teal green.  Just like the house she'd lived in when she was eleven.  She turned slowly to look at things.  The weird cabinets hanging from the ceiling, no wall behind them, blocking the sink area from the breakfast nook crowded by the window air conditioner.  Huh.  Her eyes ran from the end of the cabinet, partially open and containing file folders of some sort, to the open window over the sink.

A man in a suit was standing outside face in the window.  "Do you have the agent's files ready?" he asked, somewhat impatiently she thought.

Wait,

what?!

 life

each frame has its own reality

 i'm tryin to make all that be a story

hopefully i'll have something for you to read by tomorrow

maybe somethin tonight

please be as careful as you can

i love you sweetheart

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

And I'm up super late again

So tonight I'm listening to something else again

I'm listening to Amrita by banana yoshimoto

I'm not sure why I just have heard a lot of people say that her writing is very beautiful

And the memory police was kind of both more and less than what I was really wanting

And although infinite just was good

And I was enjoying it

That isn't really what I want to be reading right now

I really wanted Japanese literature

And this promise to have kind of a mystery in it so although it isn't a mystery novel I thought I'd give it a try

I've noticed lately that I have these locations in my head from my childhood

I went to this elementary school I went to one elementary school for kindergarten and I went to two elementary schools for first grade but then I went to the same elementary school for 2nd through 4th

And at the school

I guess kindergarten first and second were kind of in one wing and third fourth and fifth were another wing

And there was this one place where the wing were third fourth and fifth joined up with the like the main hallway where the lunch room and the office and all that stuff were You went out one door and then across a little covered but not enclosed I don't know like I don't know exactly what to call it vestibule was the word that comes to mind but that isn't quite right I keep seeing that area like where I'm walking out of one part of the school before I walk into the other part of the school and I can't recall anything particularly remarkable happening there but I've noticed that I keep seeing that area

And I was seeing it a while back whenever I would be reading about skin care on what's the name of that site oh it doesn't matter

But I haven't been on that site

And that was a site for Korean skincare now I'm reading Japanese books there's not really any connection between those things and there's not really any connection between this particular part of the school and either one of those things so I don't understand why I keep seeing it

I've also been seeing the bathroom at the school where I went for a ninth grade it was a kind of a little rich girl Catholic school where I felt very out of place but for some reason I really liked the bathroom I guess or felt some sort of affinity for it somehow it's really dark

And I've been wanting to write this week

And I have some concepts

And I was so excited about the room with the hallucinogenic plants and the bees and the floating and whatnot because somehow I thought that was going to be the center of a short story when I was kind of coming out of sleep it seemed very clearly like that was integral to a story

But then when I got all the way awake and I was telling you about it I'm like how is that a story

But one of my concepts was the air being like thick like a jello mold or whatever you call that French thing that is essentially a jello mold but with meat but more like those jello salads that they had at the cafeteria that they look so colorful and like they'd be delicious but they're gross but not that the air is gross so even that's kind of hazy but the idea of waking up and trying to judge the thickness of the air and then going into the bathroom and I like the sunlight

Like a lot of apartment bathrooms the window has been sprayed with something so that it's not see-through but when the light comes through it very brightly it's filtered in this great way and I sit there and I close my eyes and I feel the sun but it's like removed and removed you know and I love that

And I have this idea about

It's a kind of a compartmentalization of experience like every moment is a frame and that frame is a room it's a different state of consciousness and that sounds crazy but that's kind of how I experience things

Well that's one of the ways That's when I'm in the moment which is the pleasant experience

And then there's the part where at all ties together which is the anxiety and the need for things to be something or add up to something which is distressing it's just distressing it's

Not like you know if you've got a plan and you're going to do something that's not quite the same thing but the idea that there are things that are going to happen and they're not going to be completely within your control and everything moving along there's something about that continual motion through time that's unpleasant

And I've just kind of come to the realization when I decided I was writing the story that somehow that's important and important aspect of my experience

But then I always have these sort of dream places that I go and fantasy places that are not actually in dreams but they're like daydreaming places

and I guess there are things where I'm doing and I experience flow and I'm not experiencing myself as a not experiencing myself at all I guess I'm experiencing the thing that I'm doing and that's not the same thing but if I'm not doing something where I'm doing it and not having an experience of myself then I'm either in one of those states or I'm having anxiety

That's what I'm thinking is that true probably it's not completely true but it's somewhat true and it's a fairly new realization

So I guess I'm kind of wanting to construct this story around the idea that there are places dream places and not quite real places surreal or fantasy magic realism places

But the first thought about the story was the idea hadn't quite derived around these squares yet it was about the thickness of the air and moments in which it wasn't that gelatinous texture moments when it was light and free movementy and then I was in that dream room and I was floating but it wasn't like thick like I was floating in water it was light

So I guess that I thought that that somehow tied in with my story and I got very excited

This isn't really the way I've written stories before largely when I've written stories before what I've said is you know what are you trying to say and then I kind of build a metaphor around what I'm trying to say so that I'm telling a story but I'm also telling a story and I thought that was fairly successful although I realized that I have a tendency to end them in a way that a lot of people would think was open-ended and not complete but they seemed complete to me

And then I have continually running this idea of shamanism

But I have to kind of morph it into something else

Or else it's inappropriate and appropriationy

And I'm wanting it to be a mystery

I had this idea

It was a novel though but it was an idea

The main character was living in Chicago

Channel these places she went and things that she did but it all kept coming back around to something that didn't make sense to her

She would get these little bits of kind of psychic information that she couldn't identify couldn't understand

And then one day she's in this bar or whatever and she's talking to someone and they mention Everett Reuss

And she goes in somehow discovers the secret the mystery of what happened to Everett Reuss

But I had a lot of problems

I wasn't sure how it was going to work out

But that was my idea

In general I don't think it was as good of an idea as the one about the spirit guides

Anyway I feel like I felt you several times tonight

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

All right well that took me more like 40 minutes

But I got one out of my wish list instead of one that I already owned

It's a Japanese fiction novel called the memory police

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well so again I'm up all night and I just have no idea what to listen to next

I want something gum shoe but I wanted to be written by a woman and I want it to be weird I just don't have anything that fits that description and I listen to a sample of amnesia moon and I don't think that's don't really think that's what I want to listen to next

I have a lot of books in my library and I looked all through them and I just am like eh

I don't know

Just probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time cuz I just look at stuff and I'm like I don't want that

And I could listen to electric sheep again

But I think I want something different

So rather than doing what I've just done which is spend hours looking for the list think what I'm going to do is just kind of bring it up on my phone and make a reasonably quick decision without a lot of thought about what kind of comes up soon

Without my having to look through 15 pages of stuff

I have 15 pages of really good stuff I was looking through it going wow this is really good stuff some of it I remember putting in there and some of it I don't and some of it I've tried to listen to before and didn't get all the way through

I just I want a particular kind of thing and it doesn't have to be gumshoe but I'd rather it's gumshoe but then I also want it to be weird and something to do with dreams and

So we'll see I give myself

Starting now 10 minutes

I finished gun with occasional music

I believe that was his first novel

And certainly at the beginning it did have the feeling of a first novel

But that's perhaps not fair because those gum shoe novels they always kind of start off a little stilted until they can kind of get rolling so I don't know hard to say what was which

And even if a few hours in I was like I don't know I don't know if I'm going to finish this or not part of the reason why I have not been reading a lot is my attention span has gotten just wretched

I can remember when I was in college every time I was studying for midterms or finals so twice a year I had to have a book that I really really wanted to read that I would kind of let myself read to decompress from studying and have never been a fast reader but I used to read a lot

But for the last some many years I'll go long periods of time I mean I read articles

But I have a hard time getting into things so even if I'm listening to him I'm like no I don't know if I could do it

So like I'll go through a spell where I find an author that I find enjoyable to read and I'll read some books and if they're if they're you know a mystery or something that's fairly fast and low intensity I might read a whole string of them but I don't just love to read any random mystery you know or any random science fiction or any random anything I'm real particular and like the sookie stackhouse books those were not well written books but but I liked the characters and you know they were just kind of fun but I tried reading some of her other series's and the only other one I could read was midnight Texas she's got several other serieses but you know they're not great books so if they don't have something that particularly grabs me there's no reason to read them

And I'm not sure if I really consider that reading anyway I mean it is technically reading but it's more like watching TV

So to have read like five books in the span of two or three weeks is you know not something I've never done before obviously but it's something that I haven't done for a while

Now those were mostly pretty short books except for killing commenatore

But now I'm trying to figure out what to read next I mean I've got those two actual books to read from going to keep with the audiobooks as well

And I'm of several minds

I mean I could stick with the first novel idea and I could read wind and pinball by murakami which I've never read before

And then I could go back and read while sheep chase again which I really like and which is kind of a mystery kind of and then I could read dance dance which I've never read although I sort of think I've tried listening to it before and couldn't get very far so I could do that but I don't know unless enthusiastic about that travel path I wouldn't mind to read about cheap chase again but I don't know

Then another thing I'm thinking about is reading do Android's dream of electric sheep again because all that stuff about their personal mixtures of drug to adjust their mood and everything reminded me a lot of electric sheep and that sort of a science fiction so it's got some common ground with with gun with occasional music but I've read do Android stream of electric sheep like I don't know three times four times but it's been I don't know probably eight or 10 years since the last time I read it maybe not but possibly

And I love Philip k Dick so if I'm reading influences then that makes sense

and possibly I could go from that to hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world which I started but never finished

Or I could read amnesia moon by Jonathan Lethem which I think is his second novel and then there's she climbed across the table and girl in landscape which I think are the third and fourth but maybe they're the fourth and fifth or maybe I've got them switched in order order

I don't think I want to read that many Jonathan Lethem books in a row though

Because I'm trying to get a kind of a slurry going in my brain I want to put in too much of one thing

In addition to those I have also in my library the Pharaoh detective which is a mystery that I have not read I've started it but I kind of couldn't get into it and motherless Brooklyn which I read but it's been a while ago but I thought it was really well written I mean like if you just gave me gun with occasional music and motherless Brooklyn and they didn't have the author's name on them I'm not believe I would identify them as being the same writer

And that makes me think that rather than reading some of these earlier books I might rather look at some of his more recent books but I don't have those in my library so I'd have to get them which of course I can have two credits but I have all this stuff in my library that I've wanted to read and have been able to make myself read I mean I think amnesia moon and growing landscape I got in 2020 when I thought maybe I could get myself to read but I couldn't focus at all in 2020 I don't think I read anything in 2020 I think I read anything at all even though I wasn't really doing anything maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm misremembering but I don't think I did I started a bunch of stuff I don't think I finished any of it

Electric sheep is narrated by Scott brick he's pretty good so that's appealing

So I've just been sitting here for some extended period of time like I don't know possibly an hour not seeing anything but looking at my list so I think I should probably go ahead and publish this and then continue

I'm listening to gun with occasional music which I know at some point in the past I told you I was reading but I didn't read it all the way through last time in fact I think I just listened to a very little bit of it last time and although I really do love a good gumshoe I'm not 100% sure I'm going to make it through the rest of this

I really want more Japanese fiction

And I have a few more things to listen to but I'm not sure they're what I want to listen to

What I really want to listen to is a mystery

But with that Japanese sensibility

And there are some Japanese mysteries that I've found but they don't seem at all like that

Anyway I have a couple of short story collections coming tomorrow sometime

One is a collection that jay Rubin put together He's the guy that translated markamy's books really murakami thank you

And then the other one is that low desert gangster short stories

Because it occurs to me where it did occur to me that I used to be able to write short stories I used to think I was good at that and then somehow I decided that what I really needed to do was write a novel and I just found that to be very frustrating at every single turn

Those are like actual book books though not audiobooks

And I really need to get new glasses

But I just haven't done that yet

But I thought maybe

Reading some some short stories would be a good idea

And that shouldn't be long enough to cause me too much eye strain anyway

Assuming that reading little print is more detrimental than screen time

I need to be asleep

I assume I'm going to the studio tomorrow

Unless it wants to storm again

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well there was no magical realism in that either

I feel like they build the Japanese stories as being magical realism because that's what people want and they think that'll sell the book

And there is an element

But if you don't really know what magical realism is then perhaps you think oh that's magical realism

I got to say

Nothing happens

Beautifully

Highly recommend

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Tell me to bed last night

And I didn't take any melatonin before I went to bed which I have been doing every night

So I went to sleep at like 10:00 I think it was 10:00 but maybe it was his latest 11:00 but I think it was 10:00 and then I woke up at 1:30 in the morning I guess because I had to pee and I could not go back to sleep

That's not true I did go back to sleep but I didn't go back to sleep until 7:30 in the morning

I've listened to the entire book of strange weather in Tokyo which I really really enjoyed except the ending I wasn't crazy about the ending but that is seeming to be a fairly common thing for me recently

And it wasn't that I don't think it was a good ending actually it just wasn't what I was hoping for

So then I went to sleep at 7:30 and then my alarm went off at 8:30 and I had a little bit of a headache so I think that was the point at which I took Tylenol but I'm not sure

And then I woke up at 9:30 because I had a leg cramp and at that point I felt like total s*** I don't know it's like you know how when you wake up suddenly and you've got that sense that you're late or whatever and you've got that acidity stomach and your head kind of hurts and just feel really bad

So then I texted my mom and told her I had done that thing again where I went to sleep and woke up and couldn't get back to sleep oh I forgot when I woke up at 1:30 and I couldn't go back to sleep after I decided that I was having trouble going back to sleep so it was 2:00 or 2:30 I went downstairs and fed the cat again cuz he usually eats in the middle of the night and he was sleeping in the window in the kitchen but it's so hot that I haven't been encouraging him to sleep on me

Because I have to put the big blanket on so that he doesn't stick his claws into me and it's just too hot for that but after I came down and fed him he guess he was feeling extra affectionate so he came up and got on me and I petted him and then he's like okay well it's hot see you later and he ran off again

But that didn't help me go to sleep either and at that point I took melatonin and perhaps that's why then later I felt s***** because once I went to sleep then my body didn't want to get up

I think the melatonin has actually been helping me to stay asleep even though I'm not having any trouble going to sleep I'm having trouble now staying asleep

I haven't had these kind of sleeping problems since I was a kid

And that was more about my brain being over the active

I had the stream that I had a bunch of different cars and they were in a multi-layer parking garage and I had a hard time finding them

Like it wasn't clear to me whether I had a bunch of cars because I had not been able to find my car and I got another one or why exactly I had a bunch of cars

But I had been thinking before I went to sleep that I should write about traveling across country bunches of times but that it would be better if it wasn't really based on my experience in several different ways One of which I thought it would be better if I had a car that was my car that I drove across the country rather than it always being a rental car

And I was trying to figure out what kind of car it was and I thought perhaps it was maybe not even one kind of car but maybe it was kind of a Frankenstein car made from different sort of car bits so that it looked very unusual but it was yellow and had a sigil painted on it on the hood based on the sigil I designed years ago for like a logo I thought I might use

I didn't finish  1q84

I don't know why sometimes I start books and I just don't want to read them

I was really interested in it

Just not really what I want to read right now I guess

I was a little disappointed that the strange weather in Tokyo didn't really seem to contain any magical realism at all though I feel as though I was promised a magical realism

But now I'm about to read

The Nakano thrift shop

Which is also by hiromi kawakami

And I'm kind of excited about reading it

Or listening to it really

I hope you're doing okay

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I don't really have anything to say today

I feel vaguely sick

I had hurts

I'm having cramping

But no blood

I stayed in bed until after 3:00

And to be honest with you I'm kind of sorry I got up

Because I just do not feel right

No I'm not saying I'm sick

I don't exactly feel sick

But I feel kind of sick

And even though I haven't been up for very long

And haven't really done anything

I'm exhausted

And I'm going back to bed

I'm pretty sure I drink coffee earlier

I guess I could be low on iron again or maybe I never really got unload on iron

I do know the iron sort of seemed like it messed up my digestion when I finished the box

I wished I switched to the stuff that absorbs under my tongue and then I kind of just stopped

My digestion never really has gone back

And probably what I need to do is move around more

I dreamed I was doing this complicated routine

It wasn't exactly cheerleading

But it was more like that I guess

I mean it wasn't gymnastics exactly

But I know I was very impressed with myself

And I was trying to show you my routine

And there was something to do with frogs

Like my routine didn't have anything to do with frogs maybe the teams had to do with frogs I don't know they were frogs

And I was sure that the team was going to win because I was able to do all these physical things that I didn't think I could do and that seemed to be a sign but then it turned out

But if you see a certain kind of frog that means you're going to lose

And I had seen that frog but I didn't know it was a bad frog that I wasn't supposed to see

It was kind of large-ish

Like the size of a large grapefruit and it was kind of round like that like a Pac-Man frog but not as big as a Pac-Man frog at least I think the Pac-Man frogs are big anyway I don't know what I'm talking about I'm not an expert on frogs

But it was yellow and black

And when I was practicing it was peeking out from these shelves that I have that are I think they're from the '40s it's a narrow little set of shelves I used to have it by my bed at the last place

It's so hot here

I had to sleep practically naked

even with the a/c

I'm going to bed now

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Today

Today she didn't go to the window

She sat, eating her instant oatmeal with raisins in new exotic cinnamon flavor and listen to the wind howl

She expanded jaw a certain sort of way and her ears popped

Everything it sounded kind of muffled like she was under water until she heard the wind and somehow it's howling just cut through the congestion

Like what

Like a sythe

No

Like a machete

No

No like a jeweler's saw we go up and down and up and down and you're closer and closer to the end of your line and then the blade jumps and breaks because you got a little bit too excited change the angle of your saw headed for the finish line and then you realize that your finger wasn't quite as far away from the blade as you thought it was and you got a cut full of metal shavings

No it really wasn't like that at all

But she didn't have any experience with sythes or machetes

I slept in today

Had this whole list of things I was going to do

But then I just decided I didn't want to do any of it

And when I finally got up

I had this sense

Like nothing was too bad

But I had all these little things

And I just had this sense that any one of them could blow at any minute

I thought that was awfully overly dramatic

And then

I had this idea

I was going to start writing it

She went to the window and looked out

Today what she saw looked like the surface of the moon

Blah blah

And this idea

About being completely enclosed in nacre

And the inability to move that would cause

But the beautiful glistening

But then I didn't write any of that

I watched videos

About book recommendations for Japanese literature

And here are the 60 books I read in my English major program

And my 50 favorite books

And I don't know what all else

Also I'm not sure how

But I've gotten pulled into watching some show

It's kind of dumb

And it's kind of a soap opera

But I don't seem to be able to look away

It's called Virgin River

And it said in some little town

Close to eureka

And eureka had crossed my consciousness at some point and I was like I know something about eureka what do I know about eureka well it's Northern California and it's close to the Oregon border

But the temperature is awesome

It's like maritime temperature

And there's a very small margin between what the average temperature is in the hottest month and the cold this month like the average temperature in the summer is 68 maybe and the average temperature in the winter is 58 or something like that The hottest temperature recorded is 87 degrees and the coldest temperature recorded is 20°, and I was like oh my god it's sweater weather all year although you know you'd wear a coat if it was 20

Course I guess you probably have to worry about forest fires and state income tax and all sorts of other California things

I think when I started watching it I thought it was going to be more like northern exposure

But it's not much like that

The characters that are the predominant love interest are both having like dueling flashbacks because they have all this personal trauma

But they're really making the flashbacks

Draw out the information more than is necessary because they're trying to build the tension but it's just not that dramatic of a story

And so I keep going

Really?!

And pretty much

When I'm guessing what's going to happen

I'm guessing right

Which is usually what happens with TV shows

But there was something that I watched recently that I was like oh man I didn't see that coming at all

So I knew it was really well written but I can't remember what that was

Anyway I'm not really recommending it

But the sweeping shots of landscape with mountains and river are really nice

And there are log cabins and lodges and

The doctor's house is amazing

So I think I must be watching it more for the visuals

Some of the people who are talking about Japanese literature

When they get to murakami

They don't like the magic realism

And then I'm like okay well now I don't really want to know anything else you have to say

Because if what you like is his more realist stuff that isn't full of magic realism

Then I don't want your recommendations

Because what I want

Is like magical realism

Surrealism

Metaphor

I don't need

Somebody talking about their real life in realistic terms that's just not that interesting

The thing is is that for me

there are a lot of things that I'm just talking about my life the way it is and they seem like magic realism but they're not

Like all that stuff with Mr sluggo in the night kitchen

That was not magic realism

I think that my view of the world

The way I see things

Is weird

Anyway I needed to go to sleep a while ago

Because I'm getting up earlier

My mother has a doctor's appointment before she goes to the studio so I'm driving myself so I thought I would use the opportunity to go in earlier

Because she's had all this stuff for me to do and I haven't really gotten to paint

But at this point I don't think I'm going to be able to get up at 6:30

I really thought I was starting my period

I had blood tinge

I had cramps

But it hasn't started so probably it's not going to

The sleeping

The being awake

The relationship with my body

I just haven't got a handle on any of the stuff yet

But I've got an area where I can set up my easel if I want to paint with acrylics or oils again although oil isn't really practical in an apartment

And I'm pretty close to having my well

Not super close I've still got to find homes for things that are on the table but I'm pretty close to having the table where I can do larger watercolors

So

Then the fact that she doesn't really want me to paint or maybe she wants me to paint but she just wants me to do all these other things but I don't know

It's weird

She's weird

I'm weird

I'm going to go to sleep now though

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I watched it again

I meant to go to bed three hours ago

but

I added to the playlist

and

Rolf-lap is demanding attention again

he has awoken from his nap

must feed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm tired

I'm going to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm going to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 it's all good man

Sloe Eye Tibideau Deux (guitar)

Tweeker Montrose (piano)

Bam Bam Rochas (drums)

Dagmar DANG! Vang-Vagle (trumpet)

Dembele Allez Rebondir (bass)

and

the Venus of the Highway

(Le coup de) Foudre Tonnerre (vocals)

I stayed up too late

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Some kind of front is coming through again

I didn't try to get up early

But then when I woke up I had a headache

So I just stayed in bed

I had a lot of interesting dreams

I know this because when I woke up I was like wow those were really interesting dreams

But then I couldn't remember what they were

I couldn't really tell you what I did today

Well that's not true

I did a little bit of stuff

Prep work for a project my mother wants me to do tomorrow

I surfed around the internet

But mostly what I seemed to be doing was looking at paintings on eBay

I didn't really know there were a lot of paintings on eBay

I mean I guess there's a lot of everything on eBay but I had never really given it much thought

Some of them I really like

And some of them I don't

I wasn't really initially looking for paintings

I was originally looking for a 1970s frame in a particular size

I did find one that I like

Afraid my mean

But it has a painting in it

And I'm not that excited about the painting

And the frame has some damage

And I guess the whole thing with the frame in the painting is a pretty good price

And I guess considering the fact that there's a finite number of 1970s frames still floating around and it's a pretty decent size 24 in by 30 in is not a small frame

So I guess it's not a terrible price even for the frame

Except that it does have some damage and since they were taking pictures mostly to show the painting there aren't close-ups of the damage on the frame

But I thought you know

Maybe I should hit a couple of resale shops first

And I watched

Some episodes of better call Saul

I had watched through season 3 but there's a season 4 that I hadn't watched

Course it's been so long since I watched season 3 that it's not fresh in my mind anymore

And it's kind of tied in with the timeline

Well no it is tied in with the timeline but you don't necessarily need to remember the timeline of breaking bad for it to make sense

It's a stand-alone show but

It's been a really long time since I watched breaking bad

But I think better call Saul was a better show

I mean this is season 4

And they're telling this back story

And not a completely chronological way

And still

I'm not 100% sure

Although I think I see the pieces lining up

How he went from being Jimmy

To be install Goodman

To being Saul Goodman

Geez

And I really love Mike

I mean in breaking bad Pinkman was my favorite character

But Mike was my second favorite character and Saul was my third favorite character

And I'm not sure Walter White was even on the list of characters I liked I really didn't like him at all although I'm not entirely certain that I was supposed to like him

But better call Saul is telling several stories

I mean it's still in the backstory of him and his girlfriend

And I guess we're pretty much done with the backstory of him and his brother

And how he went from being slipping Jimmy to becoming a legitimate lawyer

And how that didn't quite work out for him

But we still haven't quite gotten to the point where you know it meets up

But I think I can see it now

Kind of coming around the turn

Mike I don't know if when he took the bar exam again if he changed his name first because he couldn't get back in with his current identity or whether he decided what he was going to do was be kind of like the vet who works with the underworld and so he needed kind of a code name

And I mean it's Saul Goodman

So I don't know I didn't really get a lot of work done today I just kind of floated

I did a little bit of this

I did a little bit of that

I didn't listen to any book tape

I think when I read killing commandatory and I it goes through my visual system I think it'll absorb into my brain differently than when I'm just listening to it

But I'm a little confused on how it's an homage to the Great Gatsby

I mean it has been a really long time since I read The Great Gatsby and I'll grant you I only remember little bits and pieces of it

So maybe that's why I don't see it

But I totally don't see it

But I really really loved the book except for the ending The ending threw me for kind of a loop

But I think maybe it is supposed to be a loop because The prologue happens after the action of the book

Plus I think I was kind of mad because my favorite character of the book was the house I mean I was picturing the house I've got it like all laid out in my head and I really love it and the view and everything I mean the house maybe wasn't supposed to be a character but for me it was a character and then he burned it down and while sometimes I don't mind if a character I love gets killed I kind of took on bridge I'm bridge um bridge umbrage I give up

UMBRIDGE

This thing sometimes makes what I'm saying into something completely different and sometimes it makes it completely incomprehensible and sometimes it makes it mean something different than what I'm trying to say so I try to watch it but it makes me feel as though perhaps I don't speak very clearly or have a weird accent or something

Which is funny because my whole life I've had people tell me oh you're from the Northeast right it's like no

And I don't think I sound northeastern at all so I assume that I just sounded a little nasally and perhaps enunciated words more than I was supposed to or pronounce them differently or used bigger words I really couldn't tell you

I mean I say y'all and fixing to like everybody else

Maybe I always talked a little faster than I should have

Anyway I'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

ok

1Q84

I'm about 4 1/2 hours in

and

I'm in

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋