And I'm up super late again

So tonight I'm listening to something else again

I'm listening to Amrita by banana yoshimoto

I'm not sure why I just have heard a lot of people say that her writing is very beautiful

And the memory police was kind of both more and less than what I was really wanting

And although infinite just was good

And I was enjoying it

That isn't really what I want to be reading right now

I really wanted Japanese literature

And this promise to have kind of a mystery in it so although it isn't a mystery novel I thought I'd give it a try

I've noticed lately that I have these locations in my head from my childhood

I went to this elementary school I went to one elementary school for kindergarten and I went to two elementary schools for first grade but then I went to the same elementary school for 2nd through 4th

And at the school

I guess kindergarten first and second were kind of in one wing and third fourth and fifth were another wing

And there was this one place where the wing were third fourth and fifth joined up with the like the main hallway where the lunch room and the office and all that stuff were You went out one door and then across a little covered but not enclosed I don't know like I don't know exactly what to call it vestibule was the word that comes to mind but that isn't quite right I keep seeing that area like where I'm walking out of one part of the school before I walk into the other part of the school and I can't recall anything particularly remarkable happening there but I've noticed that I keep seeing that area

And I was seeing it a while back whenever I would be reading about skin care on what's the name of that site oh it doesn't matter

But I haven't been on that site

And that was a site for Korean skincare now I'm reading Japanese books there's not really any connection between those things and there's not really any connection between this particular part of the school and either one of those things so I don't understand why I keep seeing it

I've also been seeing the bathroom at the school where I went for a ninth grade it was a kind of a little rich girl Catholic school where I felt very out of place but for some reason I really liked the bathroom I guess or felt some sort of affinity for it somehow it's really dark

And I've been wanting to write this week

And I have some concepts

And I was so excited about the room with the hallucinogenic plants and the bees and the floating and whatnot because somehow I thought that was going to be the center of a short story when I was kind of coming out of sleep it seemed very clearly like that was integral to a story

But then when I got all the way awake and I was telling you about it I'm like how is that a story

But one of my concepts was the air being like thick like a jello mold or whatever you call that French thing that is essentially a jello mold but with meat but more like those jello salads that they had at the cafeteria that they look so colorful and like they'd be delicious but they're gross but not that the air is gross so even that's kind of hazy but the idea of waking up and trying to judge the thickness of the air and then going into the bathroom and I like the sunlight

Like a lot of apartment bathrooms the window has been sprayed with something so that it's not see-through but when the light comes through it very brightly it's filtered in this great way and I sit there and I close my eyes and I feel the sun but it's like removed and removed you know and I love that

And I have this idea about

It's a kind of a compartmentalization of experience like every moment is a frame and that frame is a room it's a different state of consciousness and that sounds crazy but that's kind of how I experience things

Well that's one of the ways That's when I'm in the moment which is the pleasant experience

And then there's the part where at all ties together which is the anxiety and the need for things to be something or add up to something which is distressing it's just distressing it's

Not like you know if you've got a plan and you're going to do something that's not quite the same thing but the idea that there are things that are going to happen and they're not going to be completely within your control and everything moving along there's something about that continual motion through time that's unpleasant

And I've just kind of come to the realization when I decided I was writing the story that somehow that's important and important aspect of my experience

But then I always have these sort of dream places that I go and fantasy places that are not actually in dreams but they're like daydreaming places

and I guess there are things where I'm doing and I experience flow and I'm not experiencing myself as a not experiencing myself at all I guess I'm experiencing the thing that I'm doing and that's not the same thing but if I'm not doing something where I'm doing it and not having an experience of myself then I'm either in one of those states or I'm having anxiety

That's what I'm thinking is that true probably it's not completely true but it's somewhat true and it's a fairly new realization

So I guess I'm kind of wanting to construct this story around the idea that there are places dream places and not quite real places surreal or fantasy magic realism places

But the first thought about the story was the idea hadn't quite derived around these squares yet it was about the thickness of the air and moments in which it wasn't that gelatinous texture moments when it was light and free movementy and then I was in that dream room and I was floating but it wasn't like thick like I was floating in water it was light

So I guess that I thought that that somehow tied in with my story and I got very excited

This isn't really the way I've written stories before largely when I've written stories before what I've said is you know what are you trying to say and then I kind of build a metaphor around what I'm trying to say so that I'm telling a story but I'm also telling a story and I thought that was fairly successful although I realized that I have a tendency to end them in a way that a lot of people would think was open-ended and not complete but they seemed complete to me

And then I have continually running this idea of shamanism

But I have to kind of morph it into something else

Or else it's inappropriate and appropriationy

And I'm wanting it to be a mystery

I had this idea

It was a novel though but it was an idea

The main character was living in Chicago

Channel these places she went and things that she did but it all kept coming back around to something that didn't make sense to her

She would get these little bits of kind of psychic information that she couldn't identify couldn't understand

And then one day she's in this bar or whatever and she's talking to someone and they mention Everett Reuss

And she goes in somehow discovers the secret the mystery of what happened to Everett Reuss

But I had a lot of problems

I wasn't sure how it was going to work out

But that was my idea

In general I don't think it was as good of an idea as the one about the spirit guides

Anyway I feel like I felt you several times tonight

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋