my thoughts

why am i getting pictures in my head of the autobahn?

why is he using infrastructure as a redirect?  has he not watched how redirect is done?

why does every expect that he will seriously denounce the alt right when they are his base?

does he live in the same dimension as the rest of the country?  i mean, clearly he's pretty clueless about a lot of stuff, like that all non-whites do not live in the inner-cities, and like how retail is dying, and jobs don't eliminate race issues of any kind and there are more than one kind.


however, it could be a natural progression in this country to take down statues of slave-holding founding fathers.  he says it like:  well, if you take down a statue of robert e. lee or stonewall jackson then the next step is washington-- which is an inflammatory over-simplification--  but it's not completely wrong.


this country was founded, or more accurately, our foundational governmental structure was founded in a racist compromise.  the southern states wanted representation which would put them on a more even footing with the more densely populated north and they hammered out that 3/5ths of a person deal.  now remember that only property holders could vote at all--  we weren't talking about voting or rights--  this was a population thing.  so slaves, who were classified as property, not people, could count as 3/5ths a population unit each.

the founding fathers were flawed.  some of them were slave owners.  we've talked about this.  but what needs to happen, i guess is some big cracking the past wide open thing.  i mean, michelle obama talked about how hard it was to think about this stuff, living in the white house.

i had hoped, since we've had a generation of kid's growing up where the majority of their idols are african american-- i grew up saying black, talking to my black friends saying black and i feel self-conscious and just weird saying african american;  it's is political correctness, to which i am not opposed, but it feels contrived--  that the zeitgeist would have changed more.



that he doesn't seem to see that bringing the country together is in his job description is sad, but hardly startling.  but even if he tried, i do not believe he has the skill set.  he could try though, and he should.

i don't know why police violence against african americans broke through to media attention during obama's watch.  i don't know if the violence got worse through some sort of game theory equilibrium, or backlash, or whether white america was just having a moment where they could hear it.  i mean, maybe the people just said black lives matter enough louder, ya know.  i'm never sure of the reason that things coming to the surface when they do.  i'm just sad that there still has to be argument about it.

i have a facebook friend (who i work with, so i actually know her)  every time someone would say something about black lives matter she would say:  no, all lives matter.  and they would try to explain to her:  yeah yeah, right, but the point is that there are all these things happening and we need to like actually stand up and say black lives matter.  and her response was that it is racist to say black lives matter--  against non-black people presumably.  and i always try to see other people's point of view--  like to a fault, apparently, because i'm thinking about the commercials in the 70s saying so and so says i'm prejudiced daddy, oh really and who is so and so, oh he's my jewish friend, oh well then timmy you are prejudiced.  like any differentiation means prejudice, well, no, that's not what that means at all, but that's where my mind goes trying to make a case for her until i just say NO to myself.  she is either too ignorant to be redeemed, or she is a racist.

and that's where you have to go with him too.  do i think he's a white supremacist?  no, i don't.  do i think he would support or look the other way if it suited his causes?  yes, yes i do.  fundamentally he doesn't think black lives matter.  but i don't think he thinks much more about anyone, except himself.

he is out of touch in the extreme.

he has such wildly inflated beliefs about his own value and abilities that he might block out the sun with his swollen orange head.

he can dish it out,  but he can't even marginally take it.

and he just seems petty and stupid.

it's a pretty low point for the presidency--  enough to make you reconsider nixon.

i find it all extremely depressing.

i am not sure how i got myself on this topic

i was thinking about the windup bird chronicle
thinking i might read it again
so
somehow that led me to youtube
i watch way too much youtube
i really like it
anyway

apparently
the consensus
kafka on the shore is very "magic realism"y
which i wouldn't disagree exactly
but
i mean
i identified with those characters
and some reviewers were making it sound like
it was probably too weird for most people
and that's probably not wrong
but
i didn't like the way it felt
which surprised me a little

then
she was recommending norwegian wood
as being most accessible
and
i know this may make you mad at me
but
i just couldn't get into that book
i was listening to it too
which makes it easier
but
it didn't

someday
i'll read it
but i haven't

but
my feeling is that windup bird
is on the short list of my favorite books

i know i have a paperback copy
but i was thinking that i might not have read it
i might have only listened to it

but
when i looked it up
the audio book has only been out four years or so
so i must have read it first

that made me happy

anyway
the people reviewing it on youtube have a new edition
and i am extremely attracted to the cover
so i ordered another copy
it was on sale for ten bucks on amazon
i almost bought one for my mother too
maybe she'd understand me better if she read something
that i really love
but
then this review made me think maybe not

this is not the cover i'm talking about, by the way

this is the cover i'm attracted to

i can't imagine that my mother wouldn't feel like this about it

but

this solidified my desire to read it again

because

i found it to be mesmerizingly beautiful

and

somehow

more about everything than nothing

now the scene with the stone in the shrine

i'm pretty sure that's in kafka on the shore

and i love that

and some of the themes in windup bird are uncomfortable

but

it's the one of the two books i like better

i once gave my younger younger brother a children's book

i think it was called the bridge

it was by kafka

it looked like magritte, the illustrations

but i don't think it was

this man

he's standing on the edge of an abyss

and he just stretches himself out and becomes a bridge across

i think i may have given jason one too

i was pretty impressed with it

john was maybe eightish or so

i was workin at the book store

he read it

he looks up at me

he says

i don't get it

jason and i both look at him and say

like in unison

what's to get

and

i guess

you could make a big thing about it being a metaphor

but

i don't guess my mind needs that step

like black swan

there are all these youtube videos:

what phychological condition does she have

and it's like

no

you're missing the point

it's about embodiment

maybe i just read alice in wonderland and through the looking glass

too many times

at a formative age

maybe

maybe i'm not quite right in the head

i've never really connected with seinfeld or curb your enthusiasm

they are about nothing

in a kind of genius way

but

i find the characters kind of unpleasant

which doesn't always put me off

but

in those cases, yes

which again

might make you mad at me

but i just don't really like either of those shows that much

i mean

i've watched a bunch of seinfeld

i love the kramer character

but i already loved him from fridays

i guess that's the actor, not the character, but whatever

and i love george

but that's really more jason alexander's interpretation of him i think

but

the situations they get into

i think what's supposed to make them work for you

is that they seem like "everyday" situations

and they don't to me

i don't relate

so

i can see it's genius and all

but it doesn't work for me

windup bird though

does

so

maybe there's something wrong with me

thought you should know

goodnight sweetheart

was running late this morning

can't take a pretty picture though
good morning
hope
you have a swell day
😊🌺👙📻

well, the interwebs seem to have righted themselves

I don't feel as much better as I thought I did last night
but
I got up
I gathered up the trash
and
I took it out
it's trash day
and you have to have it out
by a certain time
but
we only get one a week
so, if you don't put it out
then you're schleppin it to the dumpster
which is not close
so I didn't want to miss it


however, that really seemed
strenuous
which, of course it isn't
I scooped the poor cat's box
which I'm not sure
when I did last
it didn't seem too bad
so maybe I've been doing it
I just don't know
it's like I haven't been
with myself
anyway
that really took it out of me
so I think exercise may be off the table


I am so so thirsty
I want coffee, of course
because it's morning
but I'm out of milk
I needed to go to the store Sunday
milk ran out yesterday
but
I don't even really want it
because I'm so so thirsty
so I'm drinking iced tea
which I made last night before bed
but
I'm hesitant to drink iced tea
in the morning
because when I was a kid it made me vomit
if I drank I in the morning
maybe something to do with the tannins
that's funny
that's one of the few things
which has made me vomit
that never became an avoided item
it was just in the morning
I mean, you wouldn't stop drinking iced tea
that's just crazy talk


I may go back to bed
for a little while
I've been up an hour
but
it seems like a good idea
I have to go back to work
tomorrow
that's gonna suck


I'm gonna have to retrain the cat
he gets food on this alternating schedule
wet food in the morning
dry food when I come home
wet food when I have dinner
half a can and the rest before bed
and some dry if I stay up late
but then he's negotiated treats
if he greets me leaving


and I've just been so out of it
and the times have been so off
that when I've given him wet
he looks up at me and tells me
he's owed some dry too
and i just did it
then too
I've been confused about
when I've fed him
so I'm sure he's gotten extra meals
I'm really not happy
it's like i was a multiple
and just coming back
except
I sort of remember it
so at least I don't have to
Momento it all together
I just know I fucked up


does that happen to you
where you get sick
and your brain stops working right


maybe not
maybe you don't get sick
anyway
I hope this makes you feel loved
that I shared this with you
and not just like
wow
she's a freak
I know it probably wasn't interesting
but
whatever
this is what my last few days have been like

well, now the interwebs seem to be down

using phone
but without home network
hopefully this will right itself
if not it may be a few days
getting back to normal
I planned out a bunch
of stuff to do
for health/spiritual practice
although
I'm not sure if i do the regular stuff
on off days
I was thinking no
but
I don't have enough otherwise
I don't think
but
since I'm still a little
under the weather
probably take it a little easy tomorrow
don't know what that means
probably need the detox


my plan is to do the detox
until I've learned the 8 thingies
and then maybe replace
but
that might take a while
but
I mean, it's only 8
so not forever
I was gonna do tai chi
but
then I realized qigong is taoist
how cool is that
I'm trying to find the exercise I want
for off days
but
it's not more Pilates with her
I find her a little irritating


I hope you're happy with me
I feel a little confused
about the last
at least month
and really
maybe
since April
I mean
yes
but
still, like, huh

i told you before that i wasn't feeling good

well
I ended up not going to work
and
going back to bed
I had a hard time waking up
but my cat was hungry
so
he was pretty persuasive
so I've been up a little while
and I'm trying to decide about tomorrow
because this manager
unless it's her
thinks you should know
the night before
whether you're going to be well enough


I don't feel well enough to do the dishes
which I neglected to do yesterday
and maybe saturday too
there's only one plate
so I'm not sure
but
there seem to be
a lot of bowls
and like every cat dish
but
the idea of standing at the sink
seems like too much


showering and brushing my teeth
was almost too much
but
I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't have flu
I think it's just a cold
but I think of cold as being
mostly about congestion
and this is mostly about
dizziness

i watched a bunch of astrology videos

and
all the stars are aligned for you
you have momentum
you like can't fail
at whatever you try
so
you are supposed to
like allign with whatever you love
and make huge breakthroughs
in your field
this is seriously supposed to be
like the best year
maybe
that you've ever had
from an energetic standpoint


I guess I didn't listen to your yearly
at the beginning of the year
I kinda fade in and out
of the whole caring about astrology thing
but
I was listening to mine
and they were talking about
what a big deal
this solar eclipse was
and
ya know
it's in your sign
so I figured it'd be huge for you
I spent hours and hours
watching astrology videos


I'm supposed to have a big
like watershed year
next year
and then
2020
that's supposed to be
AMAZING


I guess we'll see


I don't know if I believe it
sometimes I think I do
like yesterday
totally
today
less certain
but
if you got time
you should look into it
maybe


I love you
I want you to have
super amazingly good stuff happen

but,if you want to hear a song

that i really hate
although it contains the word blue
which would naturally incline me to like it
and
which i turn the station even quicker than
anything else currently available

this is that song:

while i do like several katy perry songs

I don't like
I kissed a girl
I guess it might be
a generational thing


while jill sobule
was opening up the world
and being a little gross toward men
(I think I can do better)
is such an old marriage contract
mad men generation mentality
at least it was opening up
the world
or maybe contrasting the worlds
like
maybe
men and women
not equal
marriage an institution
whereas two girls can be
equal and can't be an institution


in the current world
two girls can get married
and be under the institutional model
although perhaps not in the same way


and maybe this makes the idea
hey
you're an experiment
I don't know your name
and it does even matter
this is all about me
because everything is, right


I just find it gross
towards women this time
and maybe it's no different
but
it feels different


some of her songs are very
positive
firework and roar
come to mind


maybe
maybe I'm looking at it all wrong
maybe Katy Perry is
like giving girls permission
to be ok with the idea
but
whatever
I think it's gross
and somewhat dehumanizing


but
it's not a big deal
I'm just sayin


with the Bieber song
I just always change the station when it comes on because I don't like it
not because I'm making a statement about him
I don't know him
I couldn't tell you
any other song he's sung
without looking it up
I know people dont like him
but
I'm pretty neutral


it's a good song
I just don't like it


this was just conversation
not
anything you really needed to know

ok, good morning

I have a headache
I don't feel too good
I'm not taking anymore
ugly morning pictures
not today
anyway
I feel like
you don't like it
when I don't take pictures
but
also
not so much
when I look grumpy
I am grumpy
but
not at you

things and stuff

I think I'm actively avoiding my mom now
she's wanting to help me
I told her
look
if you really want to help me
I need a job where I can
periodically
pretty frequently
take a month
go to the desert


she
came back with this
working at a church
with all the organizational stuff


ackkkkk


well, it gets three weeks off a year
and you'd love doing all that stuff


ok, three weeks off
not together
is not a month off even once
I hate human wrangling
and
I'd have to deal with Christians
I hate Christians


wouldn't they want someone
Christian
they did mention they wanted
someone religious
not Christian


ok, but I'm not religious


but you believe in god
ok, but not religion


but
it makes 40,000 a year


right, well, that is the magic number, huh
but
I want less responsibility
I want less job
not more job
the money isn't worth it


well, what have you gotten accomplished
you've invested a lot
in this time you're spending
what do you have to show for it


that's not really what I'm saying
at all


I have this overwhelming desire
to go to marfa
for a month
I know
something good would come of it


I hate my mother
I'm sorry
I know that might be insensitive
but I do

i love you

hope your day is good
i feel like i need a margarita
but
i probably won't have one
probably having brown rice
cooked in bone broth
with
steamed broccoli
probably

hope all's well

love you

look. i hope you're ok.

I don't really know what's going on with you
I suspect something is up
just know that
I love you
and
I believe you are going to love me
like forever-ish
so
we're more or less cool
even if you can't whatever, ya know
you just do your thing
I'm in an optimistic frame of mind
but
I always worry
cause, I think
cause it's genetic

to get them colored lights a flashin

i'm not writing this like a story
it might turn into a story
but
right now it's a sketch
and
i'm talking about my experience of sketching as well


so
i got this image
of us in a bed with neon flashing
reflecting on the walls
glowing, slightly surreal
very pretty
and my first thought was a hotel room
but
then
i thought no, that's not what it is at all

there's this image
romantic image in my head that is dying to get used
it comes originally from the movie cousins

{i can't find a reference picture
and i don't really remember what it looks like}

but the idea is that you look out the window
and there is this amazing piece of art
but even if you aren't looking out at it
the light spills in and colors the world

the down side, i guess, being that it's never dark
but the plus side
it creates an artistic, surreal, overwhelming nature element

so
we're in this bed, now
and rather than being some seedy hotel room
it's our home
and i like that better
or
maybe it's my home
and you're there for the first time
that works too

i have this thing about the dark
it has taken me most of my life to be comfortable
sleeping in the complete darkness
 i have what used to be called an over-active imagination
and i will scare myself pretty easily
sometimes when i'm staying in an hotel
i leave so much light on that i almost can't sleep

and now that i've gotten used to it
i sleep so much deeper if it's totally dark
that i'm slightly irritated that my new oscillating fan has a glowing on button
it's like a night light
i used to have to take my phone as a flash light
when i would wake up in the night to pee
now
between that and the one fluorescent bulb light i leave
continually burning in the living room
i can see to walk anywhere, any time


so
it's warm
maybe a little warmer than would be comfortable
but there's a fan going
moving the air around
and the lights are flashing through the window
no other lights
the sheets are cool
i love the feel of cool sheets

when i was a kid i always slept on my stomach
i would get into bed
and the tops of my feet would be against the sheet
and i would rub them back and forth like a windshield wiper
that feeling
so cool, so comforting
i don't ever sleep on my stomach now
but every once in awhile i roll over so i can feel that, ya know
do you have anything like that


sheets, cool
and i'm thinking not a lot of blankets to weigh things down
but maybe one at the foot of the bed
just in case something gets cold later
when i sleep
my body temperature tends to drop
so
sometimes even if it's hot
i might get cold

and i'm picturing us under the sheets
not much visible
not from any sense of modesty
but rather
slower exploration
you might even be wearing pajamas
so there's something to impede exploration
make it more challenging
more exploratory

because, clearly, it's not about fast

i'm picturing kissing
and
touching
not so much in a childish or teen aged awkwardness--  not that
more like
not informed by previous experience
completely new
and not ends driven

now this is somewhat unusual for me
i seem to remember pushing towards climax
almost relentlessly
like even if there had been many
and were going to be many more
that was the thing, ya know

so i feel somewhat hypocritical
imagining this scenario where these two people are in this crystal bubble
exploring the feeling of kissing as though that was the entire experience
to get every last drop from that before escalating to anything higher

i'm not sure i'm capable
but
i'm picturing something crazy
something where fourteen years of waiting for the first kiss makes some kind of
poetic crazy beautiful performance piece
of the actual kissing
where the rest of my life
might not be long enough


omg
i just realized
i have no idea what the music is
very very important


ok
that's enough to get an image
must find music

over the last few days i've been doing a lot of tarot readings

and the cards that keep coming up again and again are these

http://www.gaiantarot.com/canoe/

http://www.gaiantarot.com/eightofwater/

http://www.gaiantarot.com/death/


i was asking it questions about how you feel and what's going on with you

but i suppose it could just be a message for me

i did one of those online readings
when i was looking up
the cards
and didn't specify a question
it said this:

http://www.gaiantarot.com/oracle/reading.php


i hope you're doing well
i love you

i really need to be asleep / night

but
there was something i was wanting to tell you today
and then i couldn't remember what it was
now i remember
i have to tell you


night

i love
when the days are long
when it's light out at nine p.m.
and you'd think i wouldn't
because i'm such a night person
but
when it's dark at six-o-clock
that's not really night
so it's all phony and meaningless
when it doesn't get to be night until nine
well
then you know it's well and truly night
no foolin around
so it's not as long
but it's for real, ya know

yeah, again with the explaining

I hope
it was clear
that what I meant
was
that's what I feel I need to
say to the world
not
you, specifically


that was clear, right
from like context
america's messed up

snow

i don't know what it would be like to have snow be a regular part of my consciousness.

i didn't grow up with snow.  like, here, seriously--  three flakes fall from the sky they shut the fucker down.  one could spend the night in an airport explaining to the people there that they couldn't get that flight to houston because the airport was shut down due to snow in a place that probably wouldn't accept blizzard as an excuse to be late for work.  well, how bad is it snowing there they'd ask you prepared to be wowed.  ya know, like three flakes fell from the sky,  the culture crash, audible.

i mean, that's just how it goes.  i was enjoying the light rain in los angeles during a trip to LACMA. you know, the kind of rain that isn't even worth an umbrella--  it would never keep you in.  but when i struck up a conversation (ok,that seems unlikely)--  when i somehow stumbled into a conversation in the snack bar i found out it was a dreadful storm.  weatherpocalyse, clearly, while i would have reserved that term for rain which at least included a body count, if not actually washing away 18 wheelers.

so, see,  i'd have a different understanding of snow if it was something i had any real experience with.

it's like trying to have a conversation about how you need to make sure you have no large south or west facing windows because you cannot afford to be surprised with a $400. electrical bill.  and the person you're talking to is from new jersey.  i could see a heating bill being high, but no one ever spends over $40. a month for electricity for a/c.  like anywhere, apparently.  and you know you can't answer:  dude, i can see turning on the heat to take the chill off, like, while you're actually in the shower, but otherwise, i mean, don't be such a pussy--  put on a sweater.  you know you can't answer that, even though that would be in keeping with your experience, because you are smart enough to know that it gets really cold there.  there they have to have like an actual plan for shoveling snow--  like it was a thing.


And, this has something to do with what i want to say to people  --  SNOW!

for me snow is magic.  not a metaphor for magic.  actual magic.

rain falls from the sky, yes.  but the finest sprinkling of crystallized not one the same frozen art falling from the sky, catching on the wind, dancing.  the way the air smells.  the way the air feels.  everything about snow is magic.  i've had to dig out a car twice.  that wasn't magic.  that was really hard work.  but it was still kind of magic because it was like your car was inside a snowcone and how would that even happen--  crazy.

it's a lack of understanding the perspective of others experience, i mean to say, that is what i think i need to write about, somehow.  that's what's wrong with everything.  not so much that it hasn't always been that way, just that somehow we all bump into it more and it's become a problem.

maybe because there used to be news that would at least pretend that it had to give equal time that at least held open the idea that there were at least two viewpoints.  maybe that's just my version of when america was great.  and maybe it's just as ridiculous as some of those other versions, but that's where i'm feelin like i need to go with this, somehow.

i mean, is that crazy?

L--inner

i guess this is a warm up
because i really want to write this
but
it's pretty banal

i'm cooking dinner now
as i write
i discovered this thing
and it is like a total homage to the 70s
in that it is a sort of casserole constructed
completely of prepared food

hopefully i haven't already told you about this
because then
then i would need to order some more NAC
and i'm taking a holiday from that
oh, but it's lovely
my whole life
i'd lose my train of thought
it would just be gone
and the NAC lets me just pick a thread from a tapestry
it's such a happy thing
not even youthifying
because i could never do it

anyway
cooking,now
so it's frozen mac & cheese
with a bag of frozen yellow squash
and a tetra pack of bone broth
when it's mostly cooked
i stir in a bunch of nutritional yeast
and maybe some chicken bisto
and
i'm not gonna lie
a few times i have added extra cheese
which does not hurt it at all

it is such a comfort food
and
except for stirring it
no effort at all

it might not be the healthiest thing in the world
but
it's not too bad

and
i can keep all the components on hand
for when i just can't cook
or need comfort food
or
ya know
whatever

i went to see wonder woman today

i feel
strangely
validated as a woman

now
clearly
that's ridiculous
it's a movie

but
wonder woman was very important to me
and that whole linda carter thing
i mean
not to dis her
and it was another time
but
there was always that cheese cake kinda vibe
and
not a warrior

what the 70s show did well
was the whole rescue the man while
not being too obvious about it
dove tailing with the changing zeitgeist

but
what i wanted
was wonder woman

i was worried that it would be long
it's like over 2 and a half hours
but
it was awesome

gal gadot was amazing
she was strong and without one drop of flirty girly whateverness
she like oozed nobility
that's what

they could have taken more time to develop
some of her revelations about people and humanity
but what was there was well done
i cried through much of it

i walk this line of alienation
it seems like everything that "women like" i can't relate to
i mean
not exactly
but kinda, ya know

i've got a minor in women's studies
i've read a lot of books on transgender

i do not think i'm a man

i just think man is the much much better option
and
i'm not really sure what women mean when they say they feel like women
or, for that matter
what transgendered people mean when they say
they feel like one gender trapped in the other body

what i am saying
is what does any of that have to do with you or me or whatever
i feel like me
and that just doesn't have much to do with sex or gender
because the things that constitute me
don't fit into a box
and i don't expect that they should

but
i have to admit
i'm pretty male identified
{if anybody even uses terminology like that anymore}
which doesn't mean
identify as a male
understand


but
watching that movie
for maybe the first time watching a movie
i thought

yes
now
i feel like a woman


i can't really explain
any more clearly than that
but
there it is

that's working

thank you

paisley

my father didn't take me shopping for clothes
not much
when i was a kid, sometimes
sometimes he'd take me to sears and buy me jeans
mostly
mostly, though
there were female relatives
and then my stepmother
and, of course
sometimes my mother would take me

but
today
i'm thinking
about this dress he bought me
i think it was after i went to live with my mom
i think
we went to memorial city mall
we went to a store i don't think i'd ever been in before
a dress shop
and
i got this dress
i don't know why i needed a dress
i can't remember

maybe it was some sort of right of passage
maybe

it was paisley
several layers of semi-sheer fabric
slightly pleated all over, i think
sort of tone on tone dark burgundy wine
with hints of deeper plum
paisley

it was totally inappropriate for a girl my age
but
i had picked it out
i loved it
and
i thought i looked good in it
must have been 1977 or 1978

i'm not sure i've had anything else
paisley

but
i really like paisley
 

what defines a scentic highway-- part 4

so, anyway, the next morning i woke up sick.  i kinda skipped the music festival and explored a little.

but then suday night was dinner.  i checked the website.  i asked around.  it was at the country club.  i got lost.  i wasted a bunch of time.  i got there early.

i waited.   i waited.   i waited.  it seemed like i was waiting a long long time.  i was getting a little worried because i had one show i wanted to see that was after.

the woman who had been so friendly when i came in walked by.

excuse me, how much longer do you think it's going to be?, i asked

she didn't answer and walked away.  could she really not have heard me?

finally we did go in, though.  there were several, like maybe four long tables.  i tried to find somewhere that felt right, but everyone looked like someone i didn't want to sit by, so, in the end, i just sat down.  then a big group rushed in, setting everything in a kind of tizzy.  some of these people sat down right next to me.

if i could remember all the conversation, maybe it would make a better story to slowly pull out this fact, but these were the people who had held us up.  now, i'm sure if i had called to say i was running late they would have said

oh, sorry, we have a schedule and other people have scheduled performers to hear.

or, possibly

well,that's awful.  we will try our very best to save you a portion of the meal you have already paid for.  get here fast.

but these people were members of the club.  and here's this guy all like,

so sorry  we just couldn't seem to get everybody together.  the women took forever to get dressed and the teenagers had to be rounded up.  haha


i think, but do not say aloud:
whatever dude.  clearly the world does revolve around you.  please don't disrespect me by pretending you're sorry about that.  you're the one who fucking called them and told them to wait.

apparently we are all supposed to chat.  and not about the food.  the people on my left are maybe a little older than me, but not much.  he is a physician on staff at a large hospital in some state i just drove through to get here.  they have a place in watercolor.  she is an administrator at the same hospital, i think.  and she is trying really hard to talk to me.  i really don't want to talk, but there seems to be a bunch of time built into this for just this sort of talking--  like it was fun, or something.

so, she asks me, what do you think of our beautiful highway

i'm slightly shocked.  i am uncertain what to say.  i recover reasonably quickly,

well, i was taken by surprise--  when i heard scenic highway i was expecting to see beautiful ocean views but you can't see the ocean at all.

well, yes, there are other ways to be scenic.  we love it here.  we had been looking for a place for a while, and when we came down here we just knew this was the place.

 i think, but do not say aloud:
wow.  i didn't even want to sleep here for four nights.  i was afraid it would suck my soul away in that time it seemed so plastic and fake.  i cannot imagine wanting to "have a place" here.

she starts networking with the center of the universe guy about the club membership.

then he--  and don't get me wrong he seems like a nice enough guy and all--  starts talking politics.  who do we want for president.  now, if i didn't want to talk about hideous development or club membership, i certainly didn't want to talk about that.  i try to avoid politics in groups.  especially groups of unknowns.

this guy is for bernie.  he says it like he wants to be challenged.  or perhaps like he thinks he is a dangerous rebel.  i don't think anyone was for trump, but i can't imagine they were all democrats.  i wish i could remember who everyone was for.  for purely scientific reasons.

the wine is very good.
the servers keep tipping up center of the universe's glass.
i am offered no more.  and he doesn't use any of his privilege to offer me any.  even though he made me tell him where i work.  and i'm kind of ashamed of where i work, so i would have rather not.  but, clearly, i have a professional interest.

oh, you really like this wine?  i don't care for it. yes, thank you jeeves, i'll have a little more.

so, i'm really out of touch with these people.  but that makes sense.  i really dislike most people my age, or at least can't relate to them.  but then, there is just a gratuitous thing that happens.  there's a musical guest.  apparently they all love her.  now i'm sure she's great, but she get's up and starts talking about being basically the age i am, like i'm supposed to relate to it, and yet again--  no.

she sings this song that they all already love.  and it reminds me of   july, july  somehow.  i don't relate to it either.  i don't look back on my first sexual experiences with a sense of innocence and fondness.  i never drank their strawberry wine.


i start looking at my watch.  i am trying to decide at what point i am going to have to be "rude" by getting up and walking out.  i have a show i cannot miss whatever the consequences.

the song finishes.  desert is served.  i take a tiny bite of each.  it's not even tempting to eat more.  i get up.

well goodnight, i say, it was nice meeting you

maybe we'll see you next year, the nice administrator says

maybe, i say
but not if i see you first, i do not say aloud

what defines a scentic highway-- part 3

there was a waffle house adjacent to the motel.  that was a good sign.  i imagined late night coffee and hash browns.  i'm not a big waffle house girl, but still...

literally a couple blocks away there was a funky little smoke house.  they had smoked salmon dip, and french fries.  and the most exciting discovery--  alabama white bbq sauce.  i mean, goddamn roll tide, or whatever.  that shit is good on fries.  and i imagine it's real good on pulled pork too, whatever.

so far, so good.  this was lookin up!

the next morning, however, started the downward spiral.  i had to go check in at the music festival.  there was no designated parking.  everywhere was somewhere i wasn't supposed to park.  this set me on edge right off the bat.

i went in.  i waited in line.  i got a wrist band and a schedule.  i looked at the information.

i have a question, i said.

ok.  what's your question.

where is this dinner?

what dinner?

well they're having one saturday night and one sunday night and i am signed up for sunday.

oh,  well, probably it is at the roadhouse.  there was an add on show at the roadhouse.

no.  this was not add on. this is like a full-on tasting menu with "regional chef"

oh.  sorry.  don't know.

well, excuse me, i don't want to be rude or anything, but isn't this where i'm supposed to get that kind of information?  isn't there somebody you can call, or something?

probably they haven't decided yet.  somebody will know sometime.  worry about it later.

wow.  really?!



ok.  so i am officially not having a good time--  10am friday, official.


i'm of course not going to go to the main stage, at all,ever, no matter who is playing there, because that is just fucking way too many people.

i have scoped it out in the information and decided on one coffee shop that feels like a place i would like to spend time.  i plan to make that my base of operations.  i had originally hoped to stay there, but they were booked up.  oh well, i'm happier with my destin lodging anyway.  i saw every show, but one at that location.  ate there all three days.  it wasn't too bad.

there was one thing it still haunts me a year and a half later.  at one point.  i had a chai.  and i was hanging around.  and the man at the counter said can i get a chai to go.  inexplicably, it brought back my father in the hospital room.

do you want me to go, i had asked.

he smiled up at me beatifically, would you?

it crushed my heart.

and something in the man at the counter's face.  and something in the way he said go.

it was like replaying everything in my mind.  body.  soul.

yeah, whatever.

what defines a scentic highway-- part 2

so, i rented a car. i always rent a car.  and i drove.  the previous year had been a nightmare.  somehow, i thought it had to be that trip then.  before the sky fell somehow.  i don't even remember, but between the herbs that made me have to pee and the herbs that made me nauseated there were many many stops.  it took me three days to reach the east coast.  the drive east, which i had never like all that much, had become oppressive.  the only thing that made me do it was a burning need to see him.  somehow he seemed to need me right then, and even though i hadn't wanted to and couldn't afford it i had driven--  east.  all that swam to the surface as i headed out again.  only the 10, i though, only the 10.  i love the western 10,  maybe this would be ok.  almost enthusiastic.  didn't quite make it in one day.  my mapping was a little iffy.  i decided to turn in early the first day and start fresh in the light--  which turned out to be an inspired decision because i would have been super lost in the dark.

something about a turn off being wrong.

i got there, early the next day.  since i was too early to check into the hotel i decided to check out this scenic highway.  now, what you might not know about me, or maybe you do, is how much i love overwhelming nature.

on my list of things i want from the place i want to live.  the thing that tops the list is overwhelming nature.  overwhelming nature!  to be aware of nature as the primary focus of my consciousness of the place.  so, i mean, scenic highway is like right in my wheelhouse.  so i thought, yes, early arrival means beautiful scenic drive.  i mean, not like driving the 1 and pulling off at the seal colony, but, you know, still, somethin.  so i drove.  until the bridge was washed out and i had to turn around.  there was nothing.  nothing but hideous development.  

maybe it was all on the other side of the bridge.  maybe.

it was still a little early, but i headed to my motel in destin.  maybe i called it an hotel before, if so, i misspoke.  motel all the way.  when i saw the seventies-esque font on the sign my insides did a happy dance. when i walked into the "lobby" to check in only to find it completely covered in rough wood shrouded in nets and those glass ball floats--  every inch covered in ocean junk and most of the floor covered by fish tanks--  i decided that i had at least done that right.  the woman at the counter took my card and i told her to go ahead and charge it though.  she smiled and in her thick russian accent told me that next time, if i called directly, instead of booking online, she'd give me a better rate.

what defines a scentic highway-- part 1

i was trying to buy tickets to a music festival--  this was about a year and a half ago.  i was looking at all the permutations, trying to make it as cheap as possible,and trying to get this all figured out in enough time to also ask off from work.  should i get the package?  should i get a hotel separate?  everything seemed to be condos--  condos with no pictures.  i looked at what i could find, picture-wise, and i didn't like it.  so i stayed at a hotel straight outta the seventies in destin.  it was a little drive, but, worth it.

but, wait, i'm getting a little ahead of my story.  i took too long.  in the morning everything was fine, but by lunch it was sold out.  wtf!  i had to go.  it's not so much that i wanted to go.  i hate crowds of people.  i don't enjoy people, generally.  i had to go.  i was pretty sure i had told him i was going.  this time would be different.  this time had to be different.  but now it was sold out.  i freaked out a little.  maybe he would stop loving me.  maybe he would become angry or depressed.  i looked again.

there was an option with a $200. chef experience dinner.  that made it a lot more expensive.  crap.  well, it's your own fault.  you wanted it to be affordable and now it's not.  you didn't really want to do it at all, you just wanted to see him, you had trouble pulling the trigger and now you're fucked.  but, then i talked myself into it.  you know you have to have something else to do.  you have to have it be fun without him because you can't count on him to suddenly do something he has never been willing to do.  you love all those cooking shows.  for your birthday, give yourself that experience.  figure out how to pay for it later.

as it turned out this pushed it into an expensive enough charge that the whole thing became time payments that i took about a year to pay off.  i didn't ask for that it was just an amex gold card sign and fly type benefit.  thank you amex for giving me a card in college.

i assumed that the meal would be fish.  or, really, i was so insane with panic that i wouldn't get there, that i didn't even think about whether the food would be things i could eat.  surely it would be fish, surely, i said to myself over and over later.  spoiler alert.  at the risk of telling the story out of order--  because this story is really about the dinner, not the music festival--  only the appetizer and the desert and the wine were things i could eat.  now, i did eat them, mind.  yes indeed i did.  and, what i found is that i don't like the taste of meat any more.  it didn't make me sick.  it just didn't add any value.  the appetizer was fish,and it is one of the best things i've ever eaten.  the desert was two quenelles of some kinds of mousse.  i have an unpleasant history with mousse.

when i was like around twelve, on one of the trips my aunt and cousin and i took to galveston, i had chocolate mousse.  we went to the wentletrap which was a fairly fancy restaurant (probably not that fancy, but, you know, whatever, pretty fancy) down on the strand.  this may have been the first time i went there, maybe.  i loved it.  i went subsequently with my mother as well.  also my aunt and i went on other trips.  i know guido's is like the traditional place to go, but we liked the funky places.  the wentletrap, tuffy's, some little local place down on O ave.  i even got to go to the bon ton room--  once or twice which had an amazing series of hallways leading out to the ocean on a pier.  i got to hear about wild exploits i'm sure (although, perhaps, the tame version).  my aunt had a youth filled with singapore slings, colt 45 players, and run-ins with the law in new orleans.  some kind of exploits must have been discussed then, though i don't remember them.

but, i digress yet again.  the wentletrap was awesome (word not used yet) for not only it's shrimp cocktails and upscale bistro fare, but also it's resort shop.  they had so many things.  they had cinnabar beads!  they had some sort of seed pods carved into octopi and frogs and wizened chinese men's faces.  they had fancy shells from all over the world. they had a small selection of resort ware.  the floor had varrying levels.  it was an extremely cool jem on a street full of jems.  i loved it.  through and through.  all sea towns will forever be judged by the scale of galveston in the seventies.  which was not galveston's hayday, not even close.

however.  chocolate mousse was a non-starter.  it was creamy and chocolatey and delicious.  i loved it.  i ate it all up.  and i did make it back to the commodore before it made clear why i was never eating mousse again.

i think i spent the next eternity of time in the bathroom.  it was painful and embarrassing.

my theory is that it has something to do with an intolerance for cream, but that is largely anecdotal.
i have had a similarly bad experience when what i thought was custard (a favorite since early childhood) turned out to be creme brulee.  regardless.

i tasted the quenelles unenthusiastically, and, even though they were only about a heaping tablespoon each,didn't consume more than a teaspoon.

the middle two courses were a lamb something ragu and a vennison sausage something.  i forget.  it was weird.  i had kinda agonized about whether it was ok for me to eat them--  since i was supposed to be a pescatarian and all--  and the answer i arrived at was, well, fuck it.  it's not like that amount was likely to make me sick and, if it did,well then i was just gonna have to be sick.

i tasted the spices. i tasted the textures.  i'm not sure i could really taste the meat.  it was weird.  and, it was kinda a waste.  the wine was quite good.  and there will be more on that later.  obviously the story is not about the food--  it is about the dinner.

i've been up almost 24 hours

I worked inventory
I got up at 1:40am
I am now going to sleep
my cat's a little miffed
he sleeps on me
and he's very tired from sleeping all day
but
not in the bed


love you

This Is Just To Say

This Is Just To Say
By William Carlos Williams




I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox




and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast




Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

i hope you're ok

and not offended again
sometimes people are young
and they don't look too closely
at the people telling them they've got
heaps and piles of talent
and
sometimes later
they get woke


doesn't excuse
what they did before they got woke
but
once you're up
eyes wide shut
maybe doesn't work anymore

good night
sweetheart

i'm redoing/kondoing

I moved in where I live
and then my father died
and you did that thing
and
it slowed me down
depression
then it flooded
and
I just gave up
so
it's never really been styled
plus
I'm changing what i want
so gradually
you'll get pictures
I think
but
there's a little horder gene in me
and I'm going to purge it
I'm gonna get my shit together
maybe
or
maybe not


I love you

now that he's healed up enough that i can really see

he is missing teeth
I can't see how
but
he probably was hit by a car
and I want to complain that he's
permanently maimed
but
I have to say
I think his new nick name is lucky
because
I don't see how it's possible
to have been hit
and only sustain
the damage he did


poor kitty
and he's
so far
got no interest in going out

my cat was pretty distractingly injured

I've been letting him
go outside
because I don't want to be his jailor (sp?)
well he came rushing back in
all bloody in the face
it's not that he caught something
it's his blood
it looks like he got hit by a bus
but
that couldn't be what happened
because it is just one side of his mouth
and just on the bottom
it stopped bleeding on it's own
not pulsing or dripping
so he can't need stitches
he let me look at it
kinda
no growling or biting
no serious outburst
so I don't think anything's broken
I can't tell that he's missing any teeth
but there's this droopy look
that made me think
surely all of that was going on
he's my baby
so my first instinct was to snatch him up
and take him to the emergency vet
since, of course, this all happened
after I got home from work on Saturday
but
I can't afford the emergency vet
so, unless it's really warranted I can't do that


maybe he was chasing something
and ran into a wall
maybe he somehow got caught in the revolving door
at the building across the street
maybe he fell


none of those seems quite right
but
I cannot eliminate them with factual data
like I have the other things
he did come out and try to eat
when I woke up from my computer table
[I got rid of the sofa]
I moved the computer to the dining table
with a big chair
I still fall asleep
just slumped forward instead of back


he couldn't eat much though
he seemed to want me to do something then


I'm pretty unsettled by this
he looks like rocky after a bad bout

i guess everything really is connected

i've never really gotten into thrifting
not really
i've gone to a few "good" thrift stores
and mostly bought housewares
i'm not an average size
so clothes shopping holds it's challenges
and
it never seemed worth the trouble

but
it's a thing now
i'm all about the clothes
well, not really
not like when i was young
but
i'm about the color and excitement of changing up
a system that has worked really well for me

black clothes
you could pour wine and coffee and blood all over me
and
it washes out and doesn't stain
black clothes
all go together
if i have two semi clean pieces i'm good to go

but
not so with anything else
so i need grades of risk clothing
today i'm likely to get dirty
what will i not cry if i ruin

and that led me to the salvation army

now, there is a cheaper thrift store
like everything's a dollar
but
i'd have to drive there and it's busy, and in a neighborhood
i don't frequent
where i would feel uncomfortable if my car wouldn't start
and where i have specifically bad memories
which would rise from the deep to disturb the experience

i haven't been able to work myself up to that one, yet

salvation army, however, is large, mostly clothing
so, similar, but more expensive
and
a new one has opened less than a mile from my house

besides
i've donated a LOT of clothes over the years to the salvation army
[they have those convenient drop off centers]
so they owe me some good stuff


so i went
after work
and
it was an experience


they have things roughly sorted by color and like, sleeve length, or whatever
plus they have specials
which is fun
orange tag items 30% off
yellow tag items one dollar
of course i couldn't see any tags  --  on anything
how much is any of this, not sure
but, ya know, i'm looking for context clues
they had signs
sleeveless shirts $5.49
long-sleeve shirts $6.49

i mean they were in spanish
but i figured it out

i looked through a pretty substantial number of garments
and i had only found two i was sure would fit me
without trying them on
and i didn't want to do the whole dressing room thing

i was looking for sleeveless shells
or tanks or whatnot
that could be worn under jackets
and also a red jacket to go with my new red palazzos

so i had found
a silky green whatnot and an orangy knit shell

that was not very productive, i thought
the green whatnot, though a beautiful color and my size
looked more like a slip or nightgown than i really wanted to rock
i put it back
the orangy shell was coldwater creek
i have a strong bias against coldwater creek
which had made me put it back three times
only to pick it back up because it was beautiful, my size, and exactly what i was looking for
but i was rethinking it again
when i noticed two things successively

1) there was a small stain on the front hem

no no no
i gotta just walk away
too many negatives are stacked against this
i should just leave

2) a small yellow plastic strip--  like the kind to affix tags to clothing

omg this must be what they are talking about with the "tags"
not actual tags, tag gun plastics
so this shirt was now one dollar

ok, well, i'm fucking keeping that
it'll probably washout
it doesn't look like they washed it
looks like gravy
yuck

i wandered to the back of the store
where i found
plus
omg, they have a section of clothes that might fit me
they had a couple of black things i had to slap my hand and say no
and i really dark long-sleeved chocolate leopard shirt
which i told myself firmly i could not buy without trying it on
it didn't look like a style that would flatter
dressing rooms could not be negotiated
locked with no attendant
so, no

and finally there was a red heavy weight long-sleeved shirt
with a beautiful tone on tone pick stitch that looked hand worked
it was a brand i'm not familiar with and technically one size too small
but on the top one size too small often fits
especially for jackets which don't need to button
i tried it on
it felt a little tight in the shoulders
[i have this problem a lot]
but, it didn't seem tighter than taking out the shoulder pads would fix
i couldn't find a mirror, anywhere
i'm pretty good at remembering color
[although you aren't supposed to be able to do that]
and i was pretty sure this red shirt was very very close
but not the same as the palazzo pants
and sometimes very very close is the worst
because it looks like you were trying to match
but failing
same shade, same intensity, slightly different undertone
the pants, neutral red
the shirt just a little bit oranger
but
with the top
maybe a whole tonal explosion of goodness

whatever $6.49 + $1.00 = $7.49
you've been here like two hours
just pay for the experience and leave


so
today i'm washing the shirts
and i don't know how much they may fade
so i'm doing a small load with some underwear and sweat pants and stuff
things that can't ruin the new shirts
but also that the new shirts can't ruin
i've got a phobia about red
when deborah washed some of my white socks in a red load
but not others
and then i had weird unmatched blotchy pink socks
making me look even more white trash than was strictly necessary
it made a lasting impression

so
laundry
finally i had my issues resolved
but, naturally,
before i actually did the wash
i double checked the tags

long-sleeve was was delicate, line dry
ok, no dryer
orangy shell was 100% silk dry clean only

fuck
no wonder i liked it
100% silk knit is like my favorite

you've washed plenty of dry clean only things on delicate
yeah, but not silk
i think i should hand wash it
but i don't have a hand wash basin
what happened to it
i don't know it has been years and years since i've hand washed anything
just use a mixing bowl
yeah, ok, that works


so i did
i washed the silk in a mixing bowl
and
my father teaching me how to hand wash came flooding back
removing different kinds of stains
fresh stains, mind
i've never had any luck with set stains

he was coherent
and informative
and he knew what he was doing
i remember him saying
roll it in a towel
then press the towel hard
you cold maybe even sit on it
to get all the extra water out

where did he learn to hand wash clothes
he hung out with rich kids growing up
maybe he had a few very nice things he had to maintain
he had that whole thinkin he was james dean thing
maybe he was just extra particular about his appearance

i'm curious now

hey, just checkin in

I look crappy, so no pictures
I'm doin one of those promos
but I can't come in earlier than 8
I started my period
so I have break outs on my chin
but I was sick
and
blah blah
don't want to wear makeup
face hurts
rushing around


i love you


just
hiding my face


am curious about
timing or whatever
but
not asking questions


also


what's up, hotness?!

oh, i forgot

there was also a thing
where one of the supervisors
said something stupid
and I must have given him a look
and he said you're high
I am not, I said, and i resent the implication


also
someone was saying something
but i can't remember what
but
it had to do with my glasses
well, I said, really
[and this is true]
I wear high index glasses
if I didn't, they would be thick
coke bottle glasses
you wouldn't be able to see my eyes at all
and maybe they would even look weird
like magnified or something
[my grandmother had glasses like that
after her cataracts] magnifying


also there was a previous section
about skin care
some potion
and it was a big thing
but I just can't remember


also
something about
streamlining debt
taking your card in
to the bank
and having them do something
that made what you owed
cleaner
and clearer
and less
somehow


it was a big fad
everybody was doin it

i just had this long involved dream

work was taken over
by a group of supervisors
and they
asked you questions
and critiqued everything you did
but then
where we were seemed to be different
it was this enormous cavernous room
and you could walk
because there were so many rippling bumps on the floor
I asked about them
they didn't know
so I investigated
it was a, really a lot
of very thin area rugs
oh, I see, so it's just laziness
I said
and untangled them all and lay them flat
there was no business
you should separate
some of the back area into private rooms
charge people to
hang out and play video games
they'll drink the coffee anyway
yeah they said that's expensive
well, I say
we can write you exclusive video games
they will come specifically to play
[I do not know anything about programming in real life]
and we can write you exclusive house music
you'll see


then we walked out
and a customer was changing the trash bag
in the condiment bar
did you count the thirteen employees
who didn't do this
or stop me from doing it
she asked


but none of the supervisors
had time to listen to her
there was an installation unveiling
it had this large
strange shaped light bulb
and in the filament
it spelled out a date
and
something about Bernie
and there were all these
seemingly unrelated items
all in a big free standing
glass case
and a lady
started telling me something
about a key


but then my phone rang
and woke me up

corrections

ok
not good vibes
that's in Cali I think
I ordered from them
catalogue before online
I think the one in Seattle
is babeland
but not sure
also
if that sounded
like a made a trip to Seattle
for sex toys
that's not right
I just planned my visit
to include that
I was there for work
with limited free time
and I didn't make
subsequent shopping sprees
on subsequent visits
it was great
but
I'm not a fiend
and I'd seen it
but
it's worker owned, I think
or maybe that's good vibes again
I think both are female or worker owned
whatever
not important

i got a pre-screening email back from erotic cabaret

it's kinda general
and
of course they want to know
do I shop there
and I don't
it's in Montrose
and it's been there forever
so
I know I've been in it
but like maybe 30 years ago
I don't buy fantasy underwear
its not comfortable
and
if they had sex toys
they musta not wowed me
I made a special trip to good vibes in Seattle
so, now, if self conscious
you're supposed to apply to places
because you love them
not because you need a job
so
I have to decide
how I can honestly and legitimately
answer these questions
when spin might be the right answer
oh well
but
at least I got the email, huh
and I could totally do that job
no question

last night, i dreamed

that I was driving to work
and my headlights
went out
it was night
and everything
went pitch black
and
it was all I could do to pull my car into a parking lot
where there was a trucker
who was lost
I was just a few blocks from work
so
I was trying to get them
because there turned out to be three of them
to take me up the street
and I'd give them directions
but
I'm not sure they agreed
again
very strange

last night, weird dreams

I was singing
with some other girl
one of you know who's songs
and
I was singing kinda low
kinda
harmony
but, not exactly
because
not exactly
I thought it sounded fine
but you
you maybe didn't
I'm not sure of your motivations
but, you stuck a microphone in my hand
told me I was off-key
and told me to sing it alone
it pissed me off
so
I turned around
faced the room
and started singing something else
some Christmas song
can't remember
white Christmas? Maybe
but upbeat
for sure
maybe somethin else, not sure
and I was singin it for real
not all casual-like
but
ya know, to beat the band
but
it was a little defiant
not sure what that means


then
I was naturally back in school
and
all the girls
had to take their eyes off
like glasses
walking around eyeless
and every one of the girls
kept saying
I feel like someone is doing something
damaging my eyes
I can feel it
something is wrong with them
I have pain
all of them
were worried
it was upsetting, weird


I haven't got a clue
what that means

FOURTEEN

i love you

just in case you look here
i want you to know

i went to dinner with bita tonight

i told her some more
of my insanity

she
doesn't know for sure
whether or not she wants to be a doctor

i told her i thought i had a novel in me
talked about what i think a novel is

well, that's settin the bar pretty high, she said

and, i said
i don't have much drive or motivation to write it
because i don't know what the thing i'm trying to say
i don't know what the message is
and plus
if it's not going well
if i'm not engrossed in the story
i get bored
want to throw it away
start something else

but
i feel like it's in me
and i would like to prove that to myself


she hasn't seen any of the movies
or television
or anything
that's a touchstone reference point for me


and
i said something to her
and she's like
that's good
let's stop there
that's great, i like that
that's really positive

here's what i said:

you're young
you are at the point now
where you can look out and see the horizon of possibilities
as you go along
your focus tightens up
you can only see down to a focal point
but
if you look up
the whole horizon of possibilities is still out there

well, the blood is here

I figured it might be coming
my breasts have been
really tender
for like a week
which has been
super inconvenient
and
I don't know if they were on sale
or that was all they had
or what
but
the tampons I bought
are not the kind I use
they are funky
the box is black
and maybe that's why
but
it's disconcerting


hope you're having a good day


I had a bunch of errands
planned for today
but
fun ones
I wanted to do
so
we'll see how it goes

i guess i want to talk about this

I lost track of my period
I think
I had one in October
but
I'm not completely sure
also
if I had one in October
not sure when
but
for sure
I didn't have one in November
or
December
and
I was hoping I had one
at the end of October
and then
I'd have one at the beginning of January
so that maybe I only missed one
I've missed one before
twice
but
I've not missed two
even in a calendar year
much less
two consecutively
so
it's not lookin good
probably
and
so
you know
there's that
menopause
I guess
it seems unfair
that I can't enjoy
not bleeding

goodnight sweetheart

i hope you're having a good time

i love you

'that's metal as hell'

one of my reps came by to help me put the order away
he got a piece of glass in his hand
i felt bad
but i was pretty sure it wasn't my fault
i've been pretty careful to clean up any breakages
but
he thought it came from a case
probably got broken in the truck

i've been cutting myself on non-sharp things, lately
nasty cardboard paper cuts
tearing my skin up on sharp corners of plastic signs
they hurt
but there's not much damage done
since the edges are rough, they heal fast

but
i guess by way of commiserating
or, something like that
i told him about when i was a kid


we lived in this apartment complex
between the apartments
and the baby giant [corner store]
was a bar
it was the kind of bar
where everyone smashes their beer bottles in the parking lot
i don't know what kind of bar that is
but
my daddy sent me to the baby giant
regular
to buy him cigarettes
this is back when you could send your seven year old to buy cigarettes

i only wore shoes
when somebody was making me
so i always walked barefoot across the broken glass
so
pretty regularly
i'd get pieces of glass embedded in the calluses of my feet

and they'd just stay there
until they grew up to the surface
and i picked them out

it was kinda cool
occationally a little uncomfortable
but absolutely no big deal


to which he said
that's metal as hell

which i kinda liked

not tonight, josephine

Venus in winter
chimes in summer
and spring
and
hell, maybe fall too
falling through time
through dreams
delusion
I don't want
another sobbing band aid scene
for my 50th
I want better than that
I want
a god damned adventure
for a life
not
just some little jaunt
I live in a cage
and
I mighta painted myself into this corner
but
you did help
so
if you can't help me get outta it
at least
understand
that you might not
be
the most important thing
I have to worry about


although
I did want you to be


remember
when I told you
you were the love of my life
just wanted to say it aloud
remember that


but
you
would let me get
ten years
into a relationship (?)
and still
not be able to say
one thing real


walking down the street
laughing


what would you do
anything


do you understand
this


not saying it
is driving me mad
wtf
really
how can you look at me
without actually looking at me
origami creature
I'm supposed
to
what

i feel like i've gone down a rabbit hole

I can't send pictures
because
my skin was pretty cleared up
and i was in a hurry
so I just wore the powder I like by itself
but it has salicylic acid in
and it over stimulated
and the little sebum kernels came to the top
and
I'm a picker
but
I'm insane right now
and I made this huge joker looking
contusion thing
which I want to wear makeup over
but then it won't heal
so
I'm still too scary looking
to send pictures
I've been slathering my skin in oil
and
it's looking much better
except for the big scary thing
and still a little forehead
and one cheek


it doesn't really look like a cold sore
unless you don't know what one looks like
and then it does
so
I'm feeling nicely hideous
but
I did this to myself


I'm sure
whatever you're wanting right now
I've not been providing it
but


I figure
by now
you're either
mad
or worried
so
I'm trying to fill you in

good night baby

gotta go to bed
hope you are well
crazy day
hate Christmas

i haven't thought about this in years

but
my mother picked me up in her car
rather than meeting for dinner
she parked
I opened the door
and then I put my hand up in the door frame
to kind of brace myself
because she has an SUV
and I find it awkward
to get in or out


but
as I put my hand in the door frame
up where the top of the window would be
I had a memory
something I haven't thought about in years


when I was
I'm not sure
seven, maybe


I was getting into the car
I was in the car
I had my hand in roughly the same position
she slammed the door shut
slamming my hand in the locked door
got half way around the car
heard my screams
had to come back around
unlock the door
open it


maybe
maybe only one finger was caught
that's not how I remember it
but
only one finger was damaged
she took me to the doctor
and the doctor was all like
well, that was close
you just missed the growth center
then her finger
would have stayed that size
forever


I always kinda grouped this
with my other finger injury
my childhood emergency room visit
other hand, though
maybe a year before
or less
I had been sitting on a
folding wooden stool
left hand this time
in the works
and it collapsed
not latched correctly
or whatever


anyway
it wasn't broken
but
I did have a blood clot under the nail
and they had to drill a hole in it
left pointer finger
it kinda hurt
and it smelled
when they drilled the hole
I got a wonder woman comic book
for being so brave
and it was fine


I lumped them together
my whole life
first digit injury
left, right


but
tonight
for some reason
they differentiated
because


suddenly
it was
she didn't look
she didn't check
she didn't ask
everything inside


suddenly
it was slamming the door
to make sure it was shut good
so it wouldn't whistle
or make a noise
or whatever
but
not
to make sure I didn't
shut myself into the door


it was overwhelming
and
I'd never had that thought before


and
I posted this
and
then realized
you won't know
the wonder woman comic
that was Deborah

strange dreams again

these were more fragmented
plus
I can't remember them as well
at one point
there was this great community pool
but then
when they were gonna close for the season
rather than covering
or draining
they filled the pool
with glass and garbage
so
if you tried to swim in it
you'd get hurt


there was a trip to Disney
and I didn't seem to have my I.d.
so I couldn't get in
but
I didn't really want to go to Disney anyway
but
that was on the heels
of a much more complicated dream
which I don't really remember
except
the wife had a used red car
and everybody knew her for it
it was like the equivalent of
mercedes&Ferrari somehow
it looked like and older model Mercedes
but it revved like a Ferrari
and I got to drive it
briefly
I really wanted one
and she always said it was used
like, oh, this old thing
but
it was pretty amazing


and
there was something
about
rain
Zen rain gardens
I don't remember how it worked
but
it was amazing

so, i'm at work

I'm starting to wonder
am I officially depressed
should I be seeking meds
am I a difficult person?
how much of the trappedness that I feel
is just in my head
how am I going to get over it
what's going on with you
are you ok
how close do you actually want me


I don't feel like myself
I don't feel happy
but
if I felt happy
would I feel like myself


I want to run away
I want to live away from people
that desire
it's not getting weaker
as I age


and
probably
a lot of things

more ungood dreams

I dreamed
I was trying to manage my dept
which I can't remember
what that was exactly
but it was coffee, somehow
tasting room maybe
because I needed three sleeves of cups
so I ordered them


but then
the new manager
I guess saw I had been the last one
to order cups
and left a message
that I didn't get until late
be sure you order cups


now
they were pretty much outta cups
that had been borrowing
from other stores
but nobody knew how many they owed
I couldn't find out pars
or sales units
or
even
how often cups could be ordered
so
did I mention it was Christmas time
really all I could do
was order the maximum
which was ten boxes of each
but they didn't have room
for that
and it was 5:05pm
and maybe cutoff was 5:00pm
so maybe they wouldn't get anything
and I was appalled and super stressed
because
I know how to order
but you need to know
something
to get it right
and I wanted to order all these
beautiful packages
of Christmas cookies
because I knew I could sell them
but
I thought I probably wasn't allowed to
and that stressed me out too




then
there was Lloyd
he was an older than me guy
not like old
he was sweet
but a huge downer
he was a widower
and he talked about his wife
constantly
and he wasn't my friend
but like a long-standing acquaintance
I think he was a customer
and I was standing outside
in the country, somewhere
introducing him to some other
male acquaintance
they were talking
and
it suddenly became clear to me
that he resented me
for never wanting to
I'm not sure
sleep with him
date him
marry him and take care of him
and
I had never had any attraction to him
what he inspired was pity
more than anything
but
there had never been one inch of room
for me to develop feelings
how could he resent me for that
and then
he says to the other guy
Myrna and I
were always meant to be Memphis
we were always just a little too
St. Louis some how
and then he split and divided
and became a crowd of men
pushing up on me
crowding me
passively aggressively
demanding things of me




then I woke up

i fell asleep

musical theatre version of star wars
but
they did do some cool
split screen stuff
and symphony on stage
there was walking through
with cards
like
either
old vaudeville
or
I was gonna say
laugh in
but they had stuff written
on their bodies
didn't they


then
there were these young guys
and they were trying to
claim they were so so great
huge dicks, they were claiming
and I was pretty over it


saying
like this big
with things that look big on the outside
but, like, it's all packaging


I feel a little better
but
I think I'm'onna try to go back to sleep

continuing that other story

on where it was
just telling you here

not going to work

she sounded angry
probably somebody else called out to
I dragged myself in feeling bad
most of last week
and besides
when I exhibit symptom
dizzy
I feel like that means don't go
but
I feel like I may have called in sick
maybe one day a month
for the last few months
so
maybe that's a pattern
maybe I'll get written up
idk


I slept until 1pm in all good faith
trying to get better
I feel worse

weird dreams again

I think I was managing a baseball team
but
I also had an at bat
in one inning
which I was waiting for
but things were going slow
and then something came up
crisis-y
I got called away
and I missed it


then
in another part
I was almost asleep
when two armored SUVs
pulled into my yard
tearing up my grass
waking me up
I mean they were two feet from my
sliding glass door
and they started delivering gallons of milk
no
wrong address
you want to take this to
our receiving warehouse
which was printed on their ticket
and scratched out
my home address written in
this is not the fight place for this


I woke up several times in the night
upset stomach
and
my head and neck and back
hurts really bad
I don't know what's up

i want to write something, but i'm having trouble, so, this

I'm starting in the middle, roughly, maybe. I know, I know, you're supposed to start at the beginning, but I can't. I'm not sure when everything started. Not really. Not sure. And besides, the beginning is confusing and hazy-- you'd just check out anyway. So, I'm starting where I'm starting, and I'm probably not explaining everything adequately-- feel free to ask questions as we go.




2016 wasn't the best year ever. The presidential campaign seemed like it had been going on for like five years; I think everyone wanted it to be over. But when it was over, somehow, it was even worse than ever. I mean, the country's been all polarized for years, sure, and I guess when the current president won maybe half the country thought that was a really bad thing. Maybe they were burning him in effigy. For sure there was that whole birther thing. So maybe it's just me. I was hopefully optimistic last time. Before I saw that he wasn't rolling back the encroaching homeland security 1984 stuff-- which was, to my mind, the most important stuff he needed to do. But now it's been approved and codified by both parties and we are never getting privacy back. Not that most people seem to want it. Social Media. And maybe we're getting the president we deserve-- by which I mean the kind of guy who has social media fights and no attention span.


maybe I'm still hopefully optimistic. I doubt he will be as bad as I imagine he'll be. Maybe I'll be proven wrong again. I would say that I hope the Democrats learn something from this. Like just because the Republicans have gone the freaky far right route doesn't mean that right of center works for them.


or maybe you don't agree. Maybe you think the Democrats are super liberal?! Maybe thrre isn't any center left to land on.


I'm trying to remember if I voted for Bill the first time. I'm not sure. I think I did. But I may have voted for Perot. It bothers me that I'm not sure.

strange dreams

there was a war
or something
so I was trying to get clothes
and extract protein from food
or maybe not just protein
maybe it was all nutrients
but all condensed into little globules


there was another part
where I was in a car
and I was traveling
and I was trying to figure out
where there was a restaurant
without letting my phone
find my location
because I didn't want them to know
 where I was


in another part
I was a teenager
in a family
we were evacuating
I was trying to figure out which socks
 were clean enough
there was a teenage boy
trying to attach himself to me
get rid of him my mom said
but
all the ways I could think of
to get him to go away
without causing us trouble
involved sex
and that was not allowed
so
I ended up doing something
I'm not even sure what it was
but I was washing the crotch of my pants
and trying to roll them in a towel
to dry them
so my mom
who was suspicious
wouldn't be able to tell


and then
something about extracting
sugar, or carbs
from food
the same as the protein from earlier

i think it was yesterday

I was driving home after work
I asked god
can you show me a sign
what does he think about our future together
the drive home is a little longer
because there I always traffic
but I just got about a mile down the road
and
CRACK
something hit my car so hard
I was afraid the window might shatter
well, that's definitely the sign
but
is that good
I mean
it kinda scared me
and had overtones of damage
it sounded like a large rock
but
I couldn't find any new scratches or dents
I remember being better
at interpreting signs
but
maybe I've never been very good at it