sunday

i wandered through the kitchen
making tea
imagining it's our kitchen
ghostly, you come up behind me
fold your arms around me, hold me
then
your hands roam up, cup my breasts
i lean into you
maybe
maybe i grind backwards, just a little
maybe you like that

i go to sit on the two section love seat
i bought a couch
i had mixed feeling about it
but
my hip's been bothering me
and
i haven't got anyplace comfortable to sit
which might be a metaphor for my life
without you
but
it's new
and i got it for ninety bucks
tax included
so
i got a couch

i sit
not yet reclining
and i type to you
i need you, baby
not so much because i need your sex
as because i need your touch
i'm still sick
and
i don't need screaming orgasms
i need you
so much in fact that i've been conjuring
you all day
i recline, i think of you

the couch is a color called oregano
which makes it green, i guess
but, really
it's more of a neutral
it matches
my green rug
my beige carpet, walls
i don't really want to buy a house
but
i find
i wish we had a place
that we could change to suit
someplace
not neutral

i watch a show
i'm alone, but i'm not alone
and
i'm reclining on the couch

then
i feel you
like an electric wave
flowing through me
crashing
ebbing
and
i don't touch myself
i let it all be you
pushing into me
running current along my skin
in ways
not corporeally possible, weight, gravity
but
definitely in the sea
there's weight there
and pressure
and it goes on and on and on and on
the wave
the wave i'm surfing
not trying to push it to a frantic conclusion
recalling the first marijuana orgasm, potent, diffuse

and i wonder
was this even it
or was this just you're anticipation of it

because
i went to sleep at nine o'clock
wet
and woke up
wet

love you, talk later

i'm thinking about you

i miss you
i love you very much

and

i need you, baby

i know
this probably means i'm crazy
but
i can't help it
i imagine you physically in my world

i don't know how much
what i imagine might resemble
what you'd actually do

but
my god
it's so real, somehow

i think i have a cold

i'm angry at myself
because i haven't really gotten sick
in a long time
although i've had a few bouts
of not feeling too good

but
i let myself get
somewhat dehydrated
and
i haven't been eating the best
or getting enough sleep
or
not working too hard

so
i'm taking extra vitamins
and drinking apple cider vinegar water
and wheat grass tablets
and laying off the coffee and dairy
but
i still worked 11 hours today

i love you
dumpling

i hope you are happy and healthy

i keep getting
death
and
mourning
and
nightmare
cards for you

i thought that was kinda weird

hope everything's ok

i love you

i want you to be happy

i love you very much

i feel peculiar

on the one hand
i feel kinda detached
from everything

on the other hand
i feel strangely good

on the other hand
i feel like i should be worried about running out of time

i'm not actually worried about running out of time
i just think that it would make good logical sense to be worried about that

i worry about metaphor

sometimes
sometimes i can't feel you at all
and
sometimes
i feel you quite intensely
even sometimes
when
i haven't written anything, or whatever
so you must just be thinking about me

and
right now
the cards
are not giving me anything i can interpret

like this, for example

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=26:60:35:13:63:36:40:21:43&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

when i ask:
what is he thinking about us and our future

it looks all good
except for that boredom and mourning stuff
that looks kinda scary

and
it's always like that


i love you

apparently, my dreams are all about the bodily fluids

i was in some class
they held it in a cafe
in an alt-city version of where i live
and
i had some discussion about
equating this area with manhattan

which doesn't make any sense

and i knew it in the dream
this is a small area
with
few tall buildings
and
it's predominantly residential
except for the major thoroughfares
which in the dream
were all
highrised and glass fronted

like the trendy sushi building
so
maybe i'm projecting
midtown gentrification
across to the edge
of old-money-town
but

that still doesn't make it manhattan

anyway
this class was weird
it was all about themes in textiles
or something
and
i kept referring to one style as earthy

it pissed the teacher off
but
it was mushroom colored
but there was some catch-phrase

really
rather than school
this seemed more like
some corporate district meeting
anyway

i think i got thrown out
and

i ended up
in a public bathroom

i was sitting
i looked down at my feet
i was wearing keds
and the laces looked like they had been
ripped away

what had happened


and then
i wiped

an enormous amount of
ovulation discharge
like the white of a large egg

and i'm like:
well
what the hell is this supposed to be telling me

i'm sorry if i was weird this morning

i was freaked out

and
i had the
distinct impression
that you were mad at me

but
there isn't any reason you should be

i'm kinda freaked out by the dream i just had

ok
so i wasn't me, exactly
and the guy wasn't you
and it was a whole sword swallowing scene

and
it wasn't like i was
attracted to him
or
into it
sexually

but
it was very physical
like my tactile sensors
were working
to a greater extent than usual in dreams
and
i was thinking stuff like:

wow
i think i used to be good at this
and
i'm critiquing my technique
but really
i don't think
it's possible that it was actually realistic
it seemed very deep
and he seemed
very small
so unless he detached
and then
there was swallowing

now
wtf

if i'm having a dream like this
i want to be doing you

and
now
i have this irrational fear
that
somehow the reason i had this dream
or because of it
or something
you
must be mad at me
or
thinking that i'm rejecting you somehow
or something bad

and
really
it probably has a meaning
that isn't sexual in nature at all
since it was so non-arousing
and what-have-you

i can't remember any context, at all


even if you're mad at me
please
don't send me any more dreams like that

i'm drunk

i went to dinner with my mom
and
i had grapefruit for lunch
so
when i drank my first glass of wine i got drunk

i should always drink with mt mom

hard to type though

thinking about

talking
at the late nite
hot dog stand

talking
about
magazine articles
in the coffee shop

reading
shamanic way of the bee




dreamed about
waiting in line to shower
got to the head of the line
asked:
showers are one dollar
are baths
still two dollars
she said:
yes
i said:
i'll have a bath, then
she said:
i just need one hundred dollars
to renew your gym membership
first
i said:
oh
maybe just the shower, then
but, i don't know
i'd really like a massage
maybe
maybe i will renew
hmmm

well, i am a genius soup maker, but maybe it doesn't taste like chicken broth, not really

i decided
i'm in love with the smoked paprika flavor
so
i added some more
and some ginger
and some noodles

i'm not making the matzo balls
i have no doubt that i can do that
i don't need to practice
and
i decided
that wasn't what i wanted for dinner

it tastes
delicious

it doesn't taste
like chicken

but
this combo
smoked paprika and ginger
is a big big winner
and
it
is probably the genesis
of whatever soup
i would feed you
when you have a cold
or need
comforting food

and
next time i make it
it won't have to take so long
because
the second reduction
really didn't improve it
i'll just start with more wine

so far, so good

it tasted pretty good
maybe a little heavy on the paprika
[i added another 1/2t]
but, all in all, not too shabby

so
i strained out all the stuff
[i had to let it cool down first
so i could pick up the crock and pour]

but
i had planned
to do more stuff to it, anyway
i added
4T nutritional yeast
2 cups water
2 cups white wine
more dill

and it's taking forever to get back up to temp

until the alcohol can cook off
i won't know
whether i am a genius
or
not

so
in the mean time
i experimented with the guts
[the stuff i strained out]

i tried "chicken patties"
which looked
frankly, not great
all charred and blackened on the outside
but tasted good
on a bun with mayo and dijon mustard
woe the sadness
i am out of hamburger dills

i tried making dense "chicken" dumpling
but
they just cooked away in the salty water
and
i knew they might do that
but
i wanted to try

the more food i can get out of one escapade
the more cost effective it becomes
and the more likely
it could work
on some sort of regular menu

thre cholent was a win
the meatloaf
and expensive expensive loss

and
although matzo ball soup
might not be something you'd want to have
weekly
because it would
diminish the special
chicken soup of some ilk
bring it on


i'm not just thinking chicken noodle
i'm thinking thai coconut lemongrass
i'm thinking pho

the list could go on and on

i'm working on the broth

i started with
a cup of chickpeas
a cup of new age rose
1/2 lemon wedged
2 cups water
garlic
white pepper
turmeric
and
4T nutritional yeast

i let that cook on high about an hour

i added
a small onion
4 stalks of celery heart
4T toasted sesame oil
4T avocado oil
herbs de provence
dill weed
cumin seed
2 squares of kombu
1/2t dijon mustard
1/2t smoked paprika
1/2t better than bullion
a small piece of shitaki mushroom


i thought i had carrots
but
i guess i don't
that's the main reason for the better than bullion
that
and
a tiny tiny bit of tomato taste
below the register hopefully

it has too much top right now
but
it's a nicely complex top
i'm hoping
the chickpeas will develop
with the smoked paprika
and kombu
to create a full bottom
and the oil
is for flavor
and texture

avocado oil is kinda buttery
and toasted sesame
has a roasted or slightly bacon-y flavor
i'm hoping
between the two
to develop something
that will feel like
when you cook a whole chicken in water
slowly
for a long time
and you get that thick rich broth

i have another bottle of wine
this one a white table blend
which is slightly sweet
which i am prepared to add

i hope hope hope it works

i have to go to sleep now

please take care of yourself
i love you very much
i wish
i was sleeping next to you
that i could feel your arms around me

you've got big emotions
i can feel that all the way from here

it's all gonna be ok

you thought about me today

are you ok?

i love you

big or small dense or fluffy

i've had matzo ball soup
but
not near as many times as i've had
chicken and dumplings
or
various chinese dumplings
so
when i think of dumplings
which matzo balls are as well
i think of dense dumplings

but
i think
with mbs
the standard is light and fluffy
so
whatever you like

the trouble
is the broth
cause
nothing tastes like chicken broth

not really

but
i have a plan
i'm not going to be so hard on myself
as the whole meatloaf escapade

i'm going to crockpot it

chcikpeas
onion
carrot
celery
lemon wedge
wine
[and here i'm thinking a somewhat sweet white wine
or possibly rose
but
not the red that i usually use]
and
i'm not that big into dill
i'm leaning toward
rosemary
and or herbs de provence
and
maybe some turmeric for color
white pepper
and maybe
some nutritional yeast
oh
and salt
it'll need salt

i think
that will be
chicken-esque
but
it won't be chicken
if it tastes good
i will consider that a victory

or
i could not make that at all
and instead
make something different
that you'd like better
and
we could just have a go-to-the-deli tradition
where you eat the real chicken soup
because
i don't know that you should suffer

so, matzo ball soup

today was the best day i've had in a while

i said my hormonal cycle has been off
i should have been ovulating
when i saw you
but
i was having some spotting
which is not normal for me
but
is not abnormal for human females
so
i wasn't too worried
but
then
i ovulated later
and
i was like:
crap
this is going to throw my cycle off
by like 10 days at least
because it is like 12 days
between ovulation and happy happy blood time
so
where i was expecting the joy
on like the 4th
here it comes today
but
i've been
wanting to punch people in the face
for almost 2 weeks

but
it's not just
hormonal relief
that makes it the best day

today
in my mind
i was on our porch
all day
mixin up alcoholic punches
and just being
in a world that is ours
and
i haven't been able to do that
but
today
i could

i feel better

so
i don't know what's going on
with my brain chemicals
and
i don't know if it's stress
or what
but my hormonal cycle
is whack as well

and
i'm in the mood
which
i haven't been much, lately

and
it's kinda a shame, really
that i'm on an all you diet
because
damn
not only would that hit the spot
just right now
but
i don't think
that it's healthy
to go without, forever

i still don't know what to believe
and
mostly
that suppresses desire
ao
mostly
any desire has been
a never jam today type longing

but
now i wanna buck
and scream

and
i'm continuing the fantasy in my head
and
if i have to cry and cry later that i did that
i'm telling you now
and this is a promise
god will smite you

i'm not kidding

moose
and
all that

now
back to heat
i need you
and not gently
words like driving
and
explosive
and
you know where i'm going with that
but
more graphically anatomical
as well as fluid
and
maybe in the kitchen
or
i'm getting
between hanging sheets
on a laundry line
that smell of fresh linen
and damp grass

come on
don't hold out on me baby
i need you
now

well, maybe this isn't right either

i don't like the sundried tomato
it takes over

i could
[if i loose the sdt]
crumble this in mashed potatoes
and blah blah
for a really good shepherd's pie

i could maybe
crumble it
re-patty it
and fry it in a pan
to get veggie burgers

it just doesn't work for me
as a meatloaf
the texture is not right

i really like the crispy bits
but the center
still screams

not meat


i had a radical thought
about the greasiness

it involves tofu
which i try to avoid
for estrogenic reasons
but
drastic measures may be called for

if you freeze firm tofu
then
when it thaws
you can squeeze all the water out of it
like a sponge
and
it becomes
a sponge

if
i can mix up
some sort of oily mixture
it could absorb
into
the tofu

and
maybe
i'm missing the boat with miso
maybe i need worchestire sauce instead
at least in the grease

maybe
i'm using too much bread
or not enough egg
but it doesn't seem like it
you cannot possible have to use lentils
or fake meat substitute

but really
i think mine is just as loaf like as any
it's just not as meatlike
and
in the quest for meat-ness
i'm losing the veggie loaf-ness

bah

i will not be beaten
it's food
not mount everest

and
in case you can't tell
this is the only thing
i'm actually
enjoying
to do
anymore

fingers crossed

i said some things wrong before
the chickpea base i used is not the same as the chili base
because i did not include sin dried tomatoes
it does have chiles and onions
also
i forgot to mention
i mixed raw onion in as well
to the last batch

now

3 cups chickpea base [processed]
3 cups (ish) bread crumbs
2 1oz packages dried porcini mushrooms
[1 processed dry in with the chickpeas
1 cooked in with the quinoa]
1 cup quinoa dry or 3 cups cooked

[i used regular quinoa because they only had regular
at the grocery near me and i thought, whatever
but ideally
i'd like a blend of regular
and red
for color
flavor
and
texture
so]

1/2 cup quinoa
3/4 cup red quinoa
2 8oz packages walnut pieces [processed]
{or 16oz of walnut pieces, bulk}
1 medium onion
2T soy sauce
1T umeboshi vinegar
2T hatcho miso
4T toasted sesame seed oil
10-12 sundried tomato halfs [processed]
3 beaten eggs

[the soy sauce and umeboshi i put in first
thinking i could skip the miso, maybe
since it would be harder to process in without water
but it was necessary
so the soy sauce may not really be
probably most people don't just have
hatcho miso
just, ya know, laying around as a staple
but
they should
it's awesome
but i guess any dark brown miso paste would work
and
maybe make up the umeboshi and the extra miso
with barbeque sauce
hell, maybe they only need the barbeque sauce
but i need hatcho and umeboshi]


i'm cooking it at 300 degrees
it's been almost an hour
it's still
almost like raw
and i spread it out
not more than 2.5" thick
[because i really thought that was a problem before]
but, also
i'm cooking it on a lower temp

the sides don't pull in like with real meat
so
it's harder to tell when it's done
i didn't use the fresh mushrooms
or
any liquid to speak of
both of which i did last time
there are lots of veggie loaf recipes out there
i'm trying really hard
to get something
that you'd want to eat
like even as a meatloaf sandwich
satisfyingly meaty
slightly granular
if only
i could get it a tiny bit greasy


it tasted really good raw
we'll see

there are gonna be multiple posts today, i can tell already

first
let me make clear
that that particular item
[with the shipping more than the item itself]
is not the actual one i'm ordering
that one just had a description, etc
plus
i ordered some other stuff too

i am getting the tartine bread book
and http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Book-Jewish-Festival-Cooking/dp/B0046LUC6Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331744485&sr=8-1

i've been looking at both of these books for a while
but
now is the time, apparently

i've started on the "meatloaf"
i'm waiting on quinoa to cool right now
so i thought i'd give you background

the first time i tried to make ml
i was gonna go all vegan
cause it was close to the start of my journey
and i was vegan at that moment
and i'm all like
yeah yeah whatever
i can totally just use flax meal mixed with water
instead of egg as a binder
it gets all mucilaginous and shit, like egg
the problem is
it is not devoid of flavor
it tasted like flax
ie anything you make with it will taste like shit
unless you're making something that can absorb flax flavor

chia is what you use for that crap
because it has almost no flavor
[it's also much more stable and won't go all rancid
why do people like flax
maybe cause it's old skool]
i made some pancakes once with chia
when i had no eggs in the house
and they worked
but
eggs add flavor to pancakes
so
they weren't very good

anyway
the first one
was
inedible/disgusting
and
that's unusual for me
usually
even if it's not great
i can still eat it
this took forever to cook too
and i'm still having that issue

i decided
fuck it
add eggs
work the vegan shit out later
if it's worth it to ya

so
the last batch
i used the chickpea blend that i use for chili
as a base
with bread crumbs
egg
fresh mushrooms
dried porcinis
[soaked in miso broth which i added]
black quinoa
walnuts

it tasted pretty good
but
it didn't cook evenly
it had too much moisture
so
it got crunch on the outside
and
it was still slightly
gloopy
on the inside
but the taste was good
and
the texture
seemed like it woulda been right

which brings you up to now

spices

i just ran out today
of my hungarian paprika
which i have sworn by
since
well
the hungarian cookbook in college
but
i found this

http://www.amazon.com/70-grams-Piment%C3%B3n-Vera-Dalia/dp/B000X9FDRS/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1331699952&sr=1-1

and
i'm going to give it a try


i love you

i haven't eaten meat for like 2 years, so my tastebuds are different

but
i think it tastes pretty meaty

i know
many people put something sweet in
but
that doesn't sound good to me

maybe
eggplant
or
i wanna say okra
i don't actually like okra
but
i love jumbo
and it kinda reminds me of gumbo
except
jumbo
is packed with treif

and
i mean
i could keep kosher
without any big problem
except
for shrimp
and oysters
and scallops
and  octopus
and squid
and a whole list of other stuff

you can keep your pork
i don't really care about that
i miss steak
and baked chicken
and turkey
but
i'm not gonna eat them

but
i swear
god wants me to eat shellfish
and not just in chinese food

and
i know
you don't care about that
but
i think about it

i mean
there's not much point in taking it too far
cause
i'm never gonna think that mikveh stuff
is anything other than sexist crap

i don't know
how much meat you eat
so i don't know if you'd think this was meaty or not
but
i really liked it
and i'm kinda surprised


i've been working on "meatloaf"
and
i'm almost there

i think i'm gonna be good at cholent, when i get the proportions right

i put the potatoes [1.5 pounds]
the shallots [.5 pound]
the fava beans [.75 cup]
the barley [.25 cup]
the wine [1 cup]
{you knew i was gonna add wine, right}
and
spices:
cumin seed
fennel seed
rosemary
thyme
herbs de provence
spike
hungarian paprika
[i don't have quantities for spices]

when i got home and checked it
it was still mostly liquid
and
it didn't seem
to have many beans or barley

so i added barley [.5 cup]
but i don't know if it will cook long enough
not to be really good
i'm cooking another [.75 cup] of beans
to add

the broth
tastes
really really good
and
it's thickening up now

i think this one may not come out as well
because i'm adding
after the fact
but
i think
i'm gonna like it

just added:
garlic
black pepper
white pepper
salt
more spike

oh, and by the way

i love you

very much

ok, for the cholent, duh, fava beans why didn't i think of that sooner

i haven't made it yet
maybe tomorrow
but
i bought all the ingredients today

fava beans
tiny little gold potatoes
shallots
barley

i'm not planning on lentils
i almost bought bulghar wheat
but i think it's too much
but
i'm still going to look up some recipes
or something
and see if anything
inspires me
i hope the shallots will be
what i think
they will be
in the end

i keep thinking carrots
but
that's pot roast

i'm intrigued by the whole
hamin egg thing
not so much to eat with
as with breakfast earlier
or
maybe you like egg salad
i bet
you like egg salad

or maybe a little salad nicoise

medicinal dreams

i don't think you saw that post
i decided
i didn't want you to see it
and i took it down

but
i had medicinal dreams
so
either you did
or
i decided to do something about my issues

i go moved into a new dorm
really nice
fancy glass fronted
apartments
huge
and
secure very secure

there was something about the number 38

and
there were
beach roving
wind boarding
first aid
kiosks

also
i'm sorry
if this is a bad thing
but
i'm being told
it would be healthier to externalize
all that violence
so
now
whenever
i have urges like that
i'm going to focus them on heather


9

peter pfeiffer, debbie moses, and the girl with the silver nose

this is a dream i had last night

i was back in college
again


i was in a german class
debbie moses was there
and she was pissed off at me
i couldn't figure out why

and why was she in a german class anyway
debbie took spanish
but
maybe
it's because i used her name

i was sitting next to my friend
and
i was thinking
how beautiful she was
her nose
was a bright shiny silver
the skin
joining the metal to the rest of her face
was black
and textured
the metal nostrils
slits rather than curving outward

peter pfeiffer was
as attractive as ever
and he was talking to my friend
leaning in
speaking german

i tried to listen

he got irritated

i tried to read his lips

he got irritated

there was more
i don't remember

but
i wonder
what are the salient
factors

i'm not gonna finish that story

or maybe i will
someday
but
i haven't been able
to make myself write it

maybe
for right now
i'll just tell you
the part you really want to hear

i was talking to god

i said:
look god
i'm not fussed about the money
i spent on the ticket
if
if i should just walk away
if i've done what i'm supposed to do
if this isn't the path, anymore
just don't get me there

and
if i am to continue
then get me there in a timely manner

this is the sign part, see
and
i was sure
sure i wouldn't make it
i slept no more than five hours
in america's best value motel
i was falling asleep
on the road
and i thought:
if i die
there will be no one to tell him what happened

and
i got lost
and
i got lost again
and
i accidentally exited
three times
rather than get on the fast track
and i wanted to quit
i wanted to turn around
and drive away
go someplace i haven't been yet
someplace beautiful

but
if i quit
i would never know

and
in the end
i was walking up to meet you
you walked past me, in fact
i don't think you saw me
but i was walking up
i looked at my watch
i was, exactly
on time

and
i said
as your shadow
sloped past me

that's gotta be a sign

cholent

i guess
i really ought to work up a recipe for this
it's kinda a culturally important thing
and
that chick
she's got a magazine now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae2-lQVFsGw&list=PLC5EDE100D1CDBB09&index=1&feature=plcp

this looks really gross to me

but
i'm up for the challenge
i've never been a barley fan
but i think it's supposed to be good for you

i saw this a while back
and i really enjoyed it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs10g5wOR9E

just off the top of my head
i'm thinking
this might be my chance to experiment
with black beluga lentils
i'm thinking
white beans
i've not cooked with them either
but
they just seem right
it seems like
probably needs chickpeas
but
that might overpower the other stuff
but
it seems like it needs meaty-ness
and
i'm not sure how meaty that other stuff is going to be
maybe mushrooms
but
mushroom/barley
is not a combination i've enjoyed before


i'll have to give it some thought

coffee shops

writing in coffee shops

seems natural to me

some people write in bars

and

i guess

if i spent a lot of time in bars

i'd eventually see them as a place to write

and

maybe it has something to do with being female

but

i don't see bars as a safe enough environment

to spin my energy that far away from my body

you don't know this

but

after you talked about that lala bar

i tried to go there

just to feel the energy

but

by the time i got there it was dusk

i'm sure it's different in the afternoon

but

i couldn't make myself walk in, even

i was slightly angry with myself

but i couldn't do it

so i walked a few doors down

and found

the perfect little coffee shop

ordered the hemingway special

sometimes

even someplace like an ihop or a big boy will do

it kinda depends

there's an ihop on figueroa that i could see

as a permanent base

i was lost there at 3am once

the more

diner or cafe

the better, really

starbucks, for example

doesn't really work for me

and

if i have to pick between diner or cafe

i think

i'm more of a diner writer

though

i couldn't tell you why

maybe

it's from hanging out at coffee shops

with my dad when i was two and three and maybe four still

maybe that's when and where i started telling myself stories

probably

that's a story

probably

i started telling myself stories at home

or at the park

but

i feel certain

i had a lot of free telling-myself-stories time

in coffee shops

and

maybe

that's why

but

even if it's not

i freakin love coffee shops

no more trendy sushi with the 30 year olds

so
my friend is actually younger than that
but preggers is the one that picked it

it was so loud
you had to scream to talk

we won't discuss the service
because
really
all you have to say is trendy


preggers and her husband
love sushi
but were arguing with me about what
sashimi
is
you cannot just get fish without the rice
they say
you mean here
i ask
well maybe in japan
they counter
no no no
i always get fish without the rice
everywhere


and
i was excited
because i found out
this place has special fish flown in from
some special market
in japan

but
i got chimachi
and
octopus
and
two seaweed salads
oh, and an iced tea
they added the gratuity automatically
so
7 pieces of
not really all that great
but not by any means bad
fish
and 8 dollars of seaweed
and 2 dollars of tea
comes to 48 dollars

the places i like to go are so different

my favorite place right now
they bring you hot towels to start
i think they pickle their own ginger
and the fish is so fresh
the texture
the moisture
roll-your-eyes-back-in-your-head-good

i go to a sushi lounge too
but
it is dark
with booths you melt into
the music is background enough
to carry on a conversation
and
i could live on their seaweed salad
and their escolar
is what passes in my current food incarnation as
an aged marinated medium-rare new york strip steak
and
you feel
ambiance-wise
like you might be in a bond film
even the bathroom
is in character


maybe
maybe i'm quite particular
but
i found out
my friend took ASL as her foreign language in high school
and that actually
really impressed me

but
she
was really glad i came
so
what the hell
it coulda been worse

but it made me think
imagine really
the little places
we might frequent
in our imaginary world

and that


kinda snapped me outa my funk

i love you

turtle dream

last night/this morning
i was dreaming about a turtle
it didn't have a shell on it's tummy
and i was petting it
it was a very tactile
soothing dream
and
the turtle purred like a kitten

when i woke up
i thought
you must have sent it to me
it was so steeped in love

before that
there was four-wheeling
up hill
through the mud
through the rough terrain

three different routes
and
i meant to take one
but
i ended up on a different one
and
ultimately
the destination
was
alaska

i'm not feeling good

yesterday
i took my first ever candle light bath
at 7pm
and then went to bed

today
i have no energy

i'm probably going to bed soon, tonight

i was supposed to go out with a friend
but i got roped into going to a party type thing

i thought about saying i couldn't go
it's too late
because it starts at 9pm
but
jeez
i can't really say i'm too old to go out at 9pm
and
i was going to beg off cause it's downtown
but
turns out it's in midtown
so they'll even be parking

and
it's sushi
so i have to go

but
i wanted to go out with my friend
i hate groups
and the one girl is pregnant
and
that's gonna depress me
i can tell already

i'll probably have a great time

people keep talking about the oscars

and
my immediate gut reaction is always
somewhere around the
oh, do they still have that
latitude

i used to love it as a kid

i watched it religiously
like the olympics
like the miss america
like gone with the wind in the fall
like wizard of oz in the spring

and
i think the oscars lasted the longest
but
i think they only made it to 1987
when paul newman won his only oscar
for color of money
which i can't remember at all now
but which
i thought at the time
was pretty weak
and it beat out
children of a lesser god
which i thought at the time was
brilliant
hurt translating
the whole enacting both voices
as it were
i guess
i thought it was
a tour de force

now
retrospectively
it was a romantic film
but at the time
that was really just a vehicle
for the storytelling

i understood viscerally, then
something i had known intellectually
for a little while at that point:
it's a process

newman had deserved an oscar
for a long time
and how many more opportunities were they gonna get
hurt had just gotten one for kiss of the spider woman
did hurt deserve to get 2 in a row
when newman hadn't had one yet

but
to me
in my mind
i said:
it's just a bullshit political system

and
i never wanted to watch it again after that

because
i don't care about the red carpet
i don't care about celebrity
or what so-and-so is wearing

all that hollywood glitterati stuff
i just really couldn't care less

does that make me too weird for you

because
i know
you might care about that stuff

thank you baby

i woke up with a headache
and i needed extra sleep
but
i was functional today
which i wasn't [almost] yesterday

in the afternoon sometime
i even felt
that kind of electric contraction
that usually means
you've read me
or
thought about me intensely
or
something along those lines
and
this all must mean
that it was you

i knew that one thing
and i know you love me

and
right now
i'm having the most amazing intrusive thoughts
which maybe you're sending

look, i'm having some trouble today

and
i need not to have to worry about you
so
just be ok
ok

i keep getting this feeling
in my body
physical, you know
that you want me to hold you
and assure you that everything's ok

and
probably it is
i don't know right this minute, though

if i'm wrong about
what you want from me right now
then
i'm sorry
i'm not trying to stress you unduly

i just feel affected
and maybe it's just me
but i was excited by the prospect of the story writing, yesterday
and today
i'm depressed
irritable
and i feel kinda
pressed

if that's all coming from me
then i'm so not ok
but
if you are sending me wave
after wave of stress
then
this is exactly how i'd feel

so
then
i'm fine

you're gonna like the story in the end
i think

if it's you
calm down

if it's me
then we got Trouble

hey, just so you know

i'm not writing this stuff
from a place of anger
i"m not angry
i'm not
hurt
or
sad
even
but that part came out easier
so the rest will be a few days, i think
do not freak out

i'm sure everything will work out
however it's supposed to

the introduction

Strawman, you shoulda seen our girl.  She was a freakin jewel in the lotus.  All with the bodhisattva and shit.

I'm sorry Luce, but how do you talk this way.

Just use your own words, Moose.  Tell him what you want to say.

Well Buddy, by which I mean you stupid son-of-a-bitch, do you realize what you've got here?  I been stayin out of the way because, I mean look at her, but I don't think you understand the situation.  I been trying to tell her you're just stringin her.  She just keeps saying stuff like muse to me.  Now I don't claim to know what a muse is, see, but it seems like a crap job to me.  And she's all makin moon-eyes over ya and dreamin about havin your babies.  The whole thing just makes me sick.  She's got this crap job and she needs new glasses, she needs body work on her car, and then she tells me she's going to see you.  Why?  What is he gonna do different this time?  She's gonna spend her money and she's gonna come back crying again.  And, in case you didn't know, jackass, there's been a fair amount of that already around here.  But she thinks she promised you. Before you fuckin gutted her, so I say: so fuckin what. 

Moose, I know he's not going to do anything differently.  He wants it like this.  What I don't understand is why he won't be honest with me about it.  

Does this mean your mother's right?

Hey, quiet there in the peanut gallery.  Do you want him to think we're crazy or something?  Besides, that could never happen.

Ok, look, here's the deal.  I went to see him.  Not because I thought he was going to finally tell me that he loves me.  I know that he loves me.  But I won't believe that I'm real to him until he says it for real.  Not because I thought he was going to give me some sort of explanation.  Although, why he's too stupid to realize that even if it was:  hey, you know, lost a bet babe, he'd be better off telling me because not telling me is just kind of saying:  hey, take it bitch.  I didn't even really want to go because it's too big a risk, honestly.  If I have to I can completely manufacture him, well, I think I can, anyway, but if he kills my love then I've got nothing.  Then I'm back to chain smoking and waiting to die.

What is this shit!?  Are you telling me that you need some man to keep from killing yourself?

Sadly, I might be telling you that.  He's the only thing that's ever made me want to live.  Now, granted, not lately.  But I was in a kind of holding pattern.  And the thing is:  I did feel like I'd promised him, but I didn't really feel like I was obligated to that, you know, after, but, come on, the situation was untennable.  So I went out there for me.  Because if I went for him then I couldn't love him any more when he did the things that seem inevitable.  Not this time.  Not any more.  

What I really did.  I went on a journey.  A journey of self-exploration.

God, that sounds hokey.

Does it sound less hokey if I call it something else?

I went on the road to find out what would happen and what I would do.

as i reread that last, i see a different reading, so now i'm even more disturbed

one thing i like about this poetry i do here
the line breaks
sans punctuation
allow for different readings
play and juxtaposition
in reading

but

as i reread the last
the context of "save yourself" changed

when i constructed it
i intended
more of a they're coming, save yourself
but as i read it now
it comes across more like
save yourself from me

which
totally works in context and all
but
is even more disturbing


so
i don't know
maybe
i've painted your character in an unfavorable enough light
that you're rethinking
why is it i like her again
or
damn, she's more of a chick than i thought she was

but
i'm serious
i thought that everything was my imagination
and then, later, driving
i wondered if that constituted wanting to want to make myself try
to forget you [or whatever it is i'm always saying i can't even do]
or, rather
if it constituted an external projection
of my anguish about your methodology
or perhaps
it was just simple self protection

do i need protection from you

if i understood
what the fuck was going on with you
i could maybe answer that better

ok, so i've been driving for 12 hours and spinning this into a story in my head, but i think i need to talk to you about it while i can still remember what isn't the story

this is not the there-will-be-a-story-story
that will be much more like something i'd write
this is
i think
really really dark, suddenly


so
i had just looked at myself in the mirror
and i recognized myself
i looked just like me
i was happy and confident

and then
i walked over to you
i had stuff i wanted to tell you
i figured
even if it was over
i felt like i'd had a positive influence on your life
[this stuff isn't going in the story
well, maybe the mirror thing
but i wanted you to know
i was thinking this
just before]
if you were happy with whatever
i could feel good about it

but

i started talking to you
and
i looked into you
with whatever that freaky scary thing i do is
and
suddenly
i thought:
this has all been my imagination
from the beginning to now, everything

and
whatever you may have said after that
just couldn't register

and
i couldn't get away from you fast enough

as i constructed it into a story [or started to, anyway]
it became more like:

rose looked into his eyes
as he pretended not to know her
and she saw it differently this time
rather than seeing someone who wanted pathologically not to be pinned down to anything
rather than seeing the need be able to claim: you got it wrong lady
this time she saw the other half of her soul looking back at her
a keening animal in a spring trap

maybe his pretending not to know her
was really an offering of love to her
i need you
i love you
save yourself


i find this all very disturbing.

i am disturbed, deeply disturbed by my experience

there will be a story

i''ll probably put it in the story file
rather than here
but
you know me, right

i'd asked for a sign

i got a sign

but
it didn't have anything to do with you

and
i really knew
that other thing too

the surprise of the evening
was
that i really enjoyed myself

don't freak out

i couldn't do that one thing cause i was doing that other thing

i love you

smile

valentine's thoughts

i thought about you today

i
lpve
you

but

i'm not feeling valentine's day-ish

and anyway
that's just another
retail construct

but
i'm chilling a bottle of
new age rose
and i'm going to pretend
that you're with me

i've been working longish hours
and when i got done today
i went shopping
and i wandered into ulta3 looking for a lipstick
i've been looking at the whole foods
and aveda
and
i haven't found any that looked good on me
i found one
LORAC - vanity
then
i had to have a navy mascara
which apparently no one makes anymore
and black is too dark
and brown looks weird
and did i mention
i'm doing this like half shabbos of a cleanse
where i don't eat all day
but just drink the lemonade
and then i do eat dinner
and today
i ran out of mix
so i was kinda spacey

and
i can't be doing very well
if i'm shopping for makeup

anyway
i got mascara in bad girl plum by benefit

no no, it's bad gal plum

for all my talk, it's not just your mind

tonight
it's your jaw
and the frightening stretch
of your neck
over sinew

and your hair
when it's shaved short
partially because it doesn't detract
from the beautiful structure of your face
and skull
but
also
because
when i was 26
i had a bob with the back of my head buzzed
there was something very sexy
about the feel
even running my own hand over it
and
i think about that

touching the shadow along your jaw
sideburn to ear
maybe
maybe i'll linger
but the 'lectric feel of the back of your head
could be swoon-worthy

oh
but to kiss you
and touch you there
that could be the next big thing

counting my blessings

i saw a youtube video today
pcos-girl
and
she was talking about thinning hair
apparently a side effect of pcos
she was obviously in her early to mid twenties
she showed her hair

i will no longer refer to what i've got as thinning

thank you god
for my hair
it's good
i'm good
i'm grateful
i'm not complaining anymore

i'm all shook up

i don't want to be
i want everything to be
all happy and good
but
maybe it isn't supposed to be that way

maybe
maybe i
maybe i don't know what

i mean
i say i want you to just tell me
tell me what you want from me
so that i can just finally
figure out
how to work my life properly around you

but
maybe
that won't work, really

maybe
i want too much from you
and maybe i couldn't deal with
what i think i want

and maybe you know that
it's something else you need

but
i feel like
i'm trapped between the walls
like
i'm not living in my life

i have a hard time not just making shit up
and
why am i not really really angry with you
it's years and years
and
maybe you're still shopping me

but maybe
not

it's just
maybe
that i had a strong desire for you today
and
i kinda don't want to
i kinda just want to feel in control
until i feel like i've got it figured out to
something i can deal with

but i do
i want you
but i'm angry
and i'm menstrual
so it's got a slightly desperate
violent edge to it
so
i imagine
it could be really hot

but
i still have this residual desire
to be soothed, gentled from my near hysteria
which i had to keep all secret and shit

damn you

and
damn these new vitamins
they are revving me up and making it worse

i was taking these blood building supplements
and they were making me feel so much better
that i decided to take the multi too
source of life it's called
it's got spirulina and bee pollen and ginseng root

but
i don't want to be all dangerous
because maybe that's scary
and part of me says
you deserve to be scared, a little
and the other part of me says
that that's kinda an abusive attitude and i need to watch that

there's this part of me
that wants you to take my hand
look me in the eye
say: i love you
and say my name

but
if you did
then maybe that would just bring up
the next round of angst
you know what i mean
and maybe
maybe that's all girly boring

i do want that though

and
i want to spend a four day weekend
in bed with you
not necessarily for any kind of marathon
more to calibrate
and touch you
maybe smoke a little weed
and drink some wine
or maybe
something harder
but
not sitting around talking
so much as absorbing you

i will say
this idea terrifies me as much as it attracts me
i am aware of all the ways
i am not the gorgeous body i'd like to be for you
and
i'm not sure i have any skills left
and
i know
that new discovery phase
is the one that most people enjoy most
but
it's not for me
or at least it hasn't been

so
maybe
all i've done here
is be confusing
but i did start by saying

i'm all shook up

it case that sounded ungood

it wasn't meant to

concrete poetry
is all

sometimes
it's what's needed

i don't know

part of what i love about you
is how you tell me
what you tell me
but
part of what
holds me
away
is
the
same

and
i always figure
really deep down
that you want me away
away, i am so much more
anything, in fact, that you could want

so

if you

want me

there are  many ways

i don't mean sexual, actually

though

i never intended to

live a life of sexual dessication

i guess that that is what i've chosen

and  that's not the thing you need to get right with me

does that make sense

yesterday

i was working

and i had the strangest sensation

the definite sense

of a phantom ring there

and i don't know where stuff like that

where does that come from, really

i'm a little worn

worse for wear

i love you

but i feel contingent

and i'm not even sure what

i mean by that

do you know what i mean

do you know what you mean

for what, ultimately, am i needed

i don't know

that

and

that

i need 

jehovah witness girl [maybe, a little bit, this is a rant]

there's this girl
she was talking [this is a while ago now]
about how people are so mean to her
when she's all going door to door
which i really don't get
though i try to be open minded and all

and i'm telling her:
i don't see why it's necessary to be mean
they should just politely tell you
sorry, not interested, thanks
seems sufficient

then i tell her about my friend
and how her parents wouldn't let her
come over to play
unless she gave me jw lessons
and i've always been a religious seeker
so i was cool with the lessons
but then they wanted me to go to services
and i said i wasn't interested in going to services

why not

i don't want to become a jehovah witness

and aside here:

even if i was amenable to all their beliefs

[which i am emphatically not]

and

even if i was all down with jesus, and whatever

[which i am not]

i would not want to be a jehovah witness

because

not down with the door to door proselytization

not at all

and

if you're a witness

you got to witness

so then
pretty soon
she says she has a gift for me
and she's all weird about it
[makes me go get it out of her car
and open it when i'm alone, whatever]
and it's a jehovah witness bible and study guide and whatever
now
i already said i wasn't interested, right

in the book is a note
about how i don't know it yet
but really we are spiritual sisters
and if this isn't ok with me she will never mention it again
but if i want to i can call her and she'll all show me the light
or whatever

now maybe this is wrong of me
but
i feel like this was kinda disrespectful
because
A. i said i wasn't interested
B. she has never asked me if i have any deeply held beliefs

so like, either, it doesn't matter because they are wrong
or, i could have reached this ripe of an age
without forming any solid opinions
and i'm just floundering for help

which i think is insulting
in the absence of floundering
questioning
or interest

so
i take her at her word
that she will never mention it again

when my father died
i got kinda upset
and most people are cool about it
they just give you a little space, whatever

she's all up in my grill
asking me:
were you close with your father

what the fuck does that matter
whether i was or whether i wasn't
and, of course the answer is yes and then no
how is that an appropriate question

and she hits me that way
all the time
i'll answer almost anything
but
you gotta come at me the right way
and she does not
she wanted to know my middle name
[god knows why]
so she asked me if i had a middle name

no, i am one of like 5 people in the world who do not have a middle name

of course i do
but now i don't want to tell you this innocuous bit of information
because of the way you approached

so then the other day
she said she had been giving me some time
but she wanted me to know
there are some chapters in the book
about how you can be with your loved ones again after death

seriously


if she has the answers
and god is depending on her to spread the good news
then god is in big trouble
cause she could not sell ice water to the patrons of hell

just talking, not really any theme

my hair seems less dry
my skin seems smoother
i've been taking vitamins

actually
my skin seems a little firmer too
my facial skin
is what i'm talking about

but
i'm just washing with soap
so that's pretty much got to be the vitamins

i was hoping for thicker hair
but it seems healthier
so
i'll take what i can get

i've been a little prone-to-bad-thought-y
today
but i've fended it off pretty well
i think it's cyclical
i dug out one of the decks
tarot decks, that is
that i haven't used for a while
and
i was all like:
yeah, tell me the truth
tell me about all the crap that's gonna go down for me
and it dutifully spit out all the great stuff i want
seven of stones, ten of stones, ten of rivers, ace of trees, the empress
and i had slept in
listening to the rain
after the wind howled like a train all night
so i couldn't really justify grouchy

i got a food processor for xmas
which i've wanted for quite a while
but i never used it until today
i made a brussel sprout casserole
with brown rice and red quinoa and a bag of frozen brussel sprouts
and a cheese-y sauce i made
with nutritional yeast, tahini, grapeseed oil, soy milk, and spices
it was lick the spoon good
i used it with rice and quinoa to stuff a pepper that i had for dinner

i made a broccoli casserole pretty much the same way
a few days ago

i plan to make a king ranch casserole
but i'm not sure what to do for the chicken
i mean, you can make a nod to chicken with tofu or something
or you can work completely around it
and i haven't decided yet


i was reading something
and it kinda freaked me out
this chick was talking about how she's all
coming to cooking later in life
and her example was that she made
pancakes
from scratch
today


and, seriously
i was confounded
like
it's pancakes
how else could you possibly make them
but
then i thought and thought
and i realized
they sell pancake mix at the store
but i had forgotten that

someone gave me a crock pot cookbook
and, seriously
the recipes are like:
put a can of beans in with some ketchup
blah blah blah
it's of no use what so ever

there's this chick
she has a cooking show and a cook book
she's super cute
but, seriously
one of the recipes is how to heat up frozen gefilte fish
and put little carrot coins on top
for that, she makes a video

but this one's my favorite:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYgYymFJ7fo

i mean, i might make that
but while i was watching it
i was thinking:
yeah, i'd probably use yukon gold potatoes
[or are they frankenstein]
and twice the onion
and avocado oil
and maybe some jalapeno
and, the wig reminds me of that girl
remember that girl

so maybe i'm weird

i don't know if this'll work

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?maxNumber=8&numbers=74:42:18:27:28:17:6:70:11:&deck=gt/&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=&backg=&reading=

it's working now
but when i close it
it may disappear

this is a deck
which i bought back in the 90s
i love the artwork
and
it's all shamanic
but, like, druid-y or somethin

the artist
became a christian
[it was the writer's concept
she was the illustrator]
and wouldn't renew copyright
[or something]
so it's out of print
and you sometimes see used decks for $500 on ebay

my deck
it likes to go all walkabout
and resurfaces every now and then
so it stays in pretty good shape
and now i'm afraid to use it a little

so i usually just do the online thing

this was my fortune today
and
i thought it was interesting
but
i also thought you might
like to try a reading
and
i wouldn't expect you to buy cards or anything
you can choose another deck, if you like

i love you
my little psychopomp


http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?maxNumber=8&numbers=65:4:77:75:68:61:78:32:14:&deck=gt/&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=&backg=1&reading=

i don't seem to finish books any more, maybe i have a.d.d.

i don't start that many
truth be told
i'm not really in a reading phase
right now
but
even the ones i have started
well
fiction, anyway
i don't

it's not a question of how long it is
because
the dusty one
for example
is quite short

and
most recently
11 22 63

it's like
i want the concept
spinning around in my head
and
perhaps you can see your influence
but
i don't want to be told the story

i really think
that i have the opposite of a.d.d.
because it's not so much
that i can't focus
so much as
that i can't
spread the focus

it's like, now
for me
almost anything can be a meditation

and
how i feel about you
is simple
and it's complicated

and the cards say
that you did
what you did
because of me
or maybe for me
which makes even less sense
and
i'm sure you want me to let it go
but it worries at the edges of me
you don't know
what it's like for me
not to understand
and
it's not like you haven't been full of that


but
even more
than who you can't let get away
i don't want to be
that guardian angel

that's kinda wrong of me, huh
if you understand this, that is

because i had assumed
maybe, another sprout
had a whole story, in fact
[and you're very heroic in it, to be sure]
but
now
the story i'm telling myself
is more some sort of reality tv show
boston rob and ambah in the great race or something
not about us you understand
just
a story i'm telling myself

and
i don't know
i think
there might be big things
in store for me
but
that's not grounded in fact
it's more a premonition
because
i don't know
which of the things i believe
to believe, anymore
none of them are very
believable

probably this'd be better if i had photoshop, but you'll get the idea, anyway

i can't seem to get the hair color i'm trying for--  kind of a chestnut brown with sunbleached bits.

that kid, the one haunting me

he was not the one, you know
the other one was the one i always pictured
with his beautiful soulful eyes
adorable hat
and
sometimes
i let myself hope
for the daisy headed girl

this one
he's so the future leader of something
the smile
the eyes
something about him
so that
even though
he doesn't have the beautiful shyness
he doesn't have the beautiful ears
and he doesn't fit the allotted name, at all

he stole my heart, apparently
my little ari
ari'el, maybe
though
i could never have a child that blonde
i have no blonde genes
nor do you, perhaps
but
i don't think his beauty comes from fair
though the leontine quality may be there
he is the very first amalgamation
the computer generated
and
that expression
those eyes
that open smile
are somehow so perfectly blended
that he just looks like him

this guy has been haunting me

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcCzmGz0eyJudXytyGv-bZxto98eOKU_pmnJupps6RES-rBZVaOUlJ9l238dRXGTFiC_2bt7h9LHzZZATxDSdeK3FVDIXkPj8sY90RkqG5kJXgfYrf4tqNtwLQGWQzngsfSEEq4i-Srvn2/s1600/MyBaby.jpg

i don't know why
and
for some reason
he looks like an ari to me

i don't know why
i'm showing you this
i really don't

wine and lingham

i had a very long and involved dream
about wine
which
might be for symbolic reasons
or
it might be because
before bed
i was researching buttery chardonnays
they all seem to be all fruit, anymore

anyway
i can't remember anything
about the wine part of the dream
because
all i can remember
was the enormous member

and
member
which normally sounds a little romance-novel-esque
seems totally
appropriate
to scale

i'm not even really sure
it was attached to anyone

it was covered in a condom
like the shed skin of an anaconda
loose and puckered

staring down the barrel
eye to winking eye
unimpeded

fertility

walking

last night, when i went to bed, i had the strangest thing in my head

and this is not just my typical background noise

i had fiddler on the roof
playing in my head

what does it mean
a fiddler on the roof
who fiddles every night
and fiddles every noon
why does he pick so curious a place
to play his little fiddler's tune

a fiddler on the roof
a most unlikely sight
it might not mean a thing
but then again
it might

why would i have that running through my head

what does it mean

even if we're going with tevye
why that song


i love you
i miss you
and
what i wish i had right now
one of your hugs

i really don't know how our story ends
and
i'm very confused about this chapter, in general
and
for whatever reason you did that thing you did
i'm not sure it's gonna work out like you think
and i'm not sure what i mean by that
just please be careful

i had this disturbing dream
quite a while ago now
but i didn't tell you about it
because i thought maybe you'd think
i was making some hex or something
which i'm not


but there was this baby
and it was crying and crying
and i had this red lit up button
a kill switch
and somehow it touched the baby
i didn't push the button
and it just stopped


i don't mean it stopped crying
i mean it just stopped


i don't want to hurt anything
and this dream
freaked me out

please take care of yourself
and
whoever

ok, i feel you now

i love you

very much

i didn't feel you today, and it's kinda freaking me out

i hope
i didn't say anything to offend you

maybe
i was just busy and focused
but

maybe
something is wrong with you
or

maybe
we were both busy

whatever

just as long
as you know
i love you

corazon

it's a funny old world

i don't really know what i wanted to say

something
about
how
i don't think i look as old as i did
five years ago

something
about
how
if you thought that thing i think you might have
how could you think that

something
about
how
i'm kinda afraid that i don't remember
how to make love

something
about
how
i have no idea what's going on with you

something
about
how
i'm worried about you


i dreamed last night that i was married to the leader of the country
like evita, or something

and he was saying:
just pack everything up we'll just go

he was trying to get the rest of the government
to do something
by threatening to quit, basically

but what if they just let us go, i asked him

then, he said, you'll just have to support me on your salary
as a college professor

am i a college professor, i thought, hot damn
i thought i was a wife and mother

but he knew what he was doing
he didn't want to lose power

and then
i woke up


i hope you are healthy and happy
and that
everything is going
however it was that you wanted it to go

something's up with my breasts

so
i went shopping today
i was going to do something
more enriching
but
i really didn't feel like it

i needed some more bras
and some shoes
[i had returned all the others
and after daily use
the others
are
wearing out
and
not as comfy
as they would be if switched out
i'm guessing]

and i found some shoes
they are adidas running shoes
pretty much like the rykas
so, cool

but
none of my bras seem to fit right
they seem to be
both
too loose
and
too tight

maybe
they are all just wearing out as well

now
i'm not sure if my tits were ever what you'd call perky
but i remember when they first drooped
and
i remember when
i had kinda gotten used to that
and then
they drooped again


but now
they're doing something else
they seem younger
not like magazine tits
but
more alert somehow

so i'm trying on bras
and these are normal brands
even though i'm at the ross
and
the C cups are too tight
now
i've almost always been kinda a C-
because
i have national geographic shaped breasts
not big ole melons
but now
they are pushing out in the bad not-push-uppy way
and 40 seems a little loose
but 38 won't meet at the back
not even kinda
how can that be
so
but there was this kick ass sports bra that was 4.99
seriously, 4.99
so i had to make that work, somehow
and i remembered
you can go bigger around if the cup size is too small
so i got a 42C
the other two i got were 40DD
they were kinda unstructured
but
how is it possible that i can even put on a DD bra?
and they fit like a dream

but i was thinking they were smaller

so
i don't know what is up with my breasts
they have me totally mystified

i love you, papi garnacha

i love you, sweetpea

today
there was a freak flash flood
it wasn't even forecast
as of yesterday
for it to rain

but

it

did

i saw this sign as i drove by the social network baptist church and i wonder

what do they mean


it said:

happy people avoid lust


now
this is not a stadium church
but it does have
like
2,000 members or something
and
it has been cold called out to me
as an excellent place to meet people
because they
quote
have a really large and active singles network
end quote

so
what do they mean by lust


the lust that happy people avoid


i just though it was very
strange

this might not make any sense

i've been up and down
there was one thing i didn't really believe you'd do
and now
it seems so much less likely
so it's whatever

and
i asked for a sign
not for if you'd do that thing
but
for something else

but
then
i said:
oh, but no god, nevermind
i don't even know what to ask for as a sign

and in a flash of insight
it came into my head
a pregnant woman in a pink shirt

and i'm all like:
ok god, whatever

so then
i didn't see a pregnant woman in a pink shirt
and i'm all like:
great


but then today i did
hochswanger and with a kid in-tow
so
my spirits soared

but
i'm having trouble
i'm not gonna lie

i though about names

i don't know why, exactly
i think it started
with a thought:
would i call you by your name

there is a part of me that is acutely aware
that
though i call you by silly love names
and i have, once or twice
called you
what people mostly call you
i have never called you by your full name

i like your name
and
in general
i don't call people by shortened versions
but
i always let people cue me for what to call them

so
while i might call you pumpkin or slim or shango
if i was gonna call you by name
i would only ever call you by your chosen self-referent

but i have found myself
kind of
longing
to call you ________
you know  your name

i also
found myself
wondering what you call me
when you think of me
do you attach a name
or a face
or
what happens in your mind there

i don't know
why my mind went there
it seems like a kind of silly thing, really

also about names
i think of the puppyfish
as having a certain name
that we've bandied about
and
i'm flexible and all
if you want something else
or
you think it's too plain, or common, or whatever
but i've really grown attached to it
if i'm lucky enough to get to have the small fry
i'd like to actually name him that

it's crazy, huh
but
that was today

chickpeas and crock pot love

so
i got a crock pot
i'm sure i used to have one
well, pretty sure
but if i ever really used it
it was definitely for some meat something or other
which is, of course, not my plan

i love chickpeas
but they are a beast to make
because of the skinning of the chickpeas
look up almost any hummus recipe and it will used canned chickpeas
which is crap
totally

and
i was eating all that fruit
but now i don't want fruit, not at all
it's some weather/seasonal thing i think
but
i want something hot to eat
and i want brown rice and chickpeas
and, to be honest, potatoes too

but
kinda by accident
i discovered that
slow cooking the chickpeas
gives them quite a meaty flavor

so i've had them with carrots, onions, fresh tomatoes
to make a stew
and with sundried tomatoes and onions
to make a pasta sauce
and
tonight
i think i've got chili

i never expected to get vegetarian chili from chickpeas
until after the pasta sauce
which had started me to thinking

so i soaked 2 cups of chickpeas
and marinated these other ingredients overnight
so they'd be just ready to throw in the crock and go:

1 huge onion [skin on, cause i heard that gives more flavor]
about a cup of basically julienned sundried tomato
a couple ounces wakame
about a tablespoon of umeboshi vinegar
about a tablespoon of soy sauce

and i'm really sorry
but i have no real guesstimate on quantity
but i'm going with

1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon cumin seed
1/2 teaspoon dried garlic bits
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon fennel seed
1 tablespoon turmeric

and i soaked some peppers overnight in the chickpea water
and basically julienned them before putting them in the pot
[what i keep meaning by basically julienned is that that is about the size and shape of the pieces{a little thicker}, but i don't cut them at an angle so they aren't technically julienned, see]

i'm not sure what kind of chilis these are
i just bought a big bag of dried chilis at the farmer's market
maybe anaheim
now
i wanted to use chipotle peppers
not super hot, but that beautiful smokiness
i have some frickin chipotle peppers
but i couldn't find them
and
i really must get some habeneros
if i'm gonna do this thing right
so next time

so i pour all that in the pot
with a cup of red wine and some water

and
it has come out
tasting
very much like chili
way more than any bean concoction
of course
it doesn't look like chili
so i may submersion blend it
put some shredded cheese and raw diced onion on top
and then see how it looks
i was all prepared to add hatcho miso
but i think that's overkill
and
i think i really knew that when i put in the soy sauce

i guarantee you will like this stuff
and
if that daiya cheese is as good as it's supposed to be
it could be completely vegan
[or it could have delicious cheesey goodness]

chickpeas, who knew

just something i need to explain

i feel like i'm
not quite myself
so i just want to assure you
i'm fine

i had shut down my computer
and i booted back up
because
frankly
i felt like you might worry about me

i've had a lot to absorb
in the last two weeks or so
and
just for extra fun
i was pre-menstrual
and now
it's happy happy blood time

so
if i seem
just a little on edge
it's kinda a combo thing

i know you've got stuff going on
probably
happy celebratory stuff
so go do happy stuff
don't worry about me
i'm, as much as you could reasonably expect, happy for you
and
the idea that i might be freaking you out at all
is apparently
something that won't let me sleep

i love you sweetheart

last night's dreams

i meant to write this right away
because i felt it slipping away
but i got distracted
so let's see what i still got

there were cards
they looked like faded
whitewashed turquoise-y wood
with ethereal outline forms of animals
the only animal i remember
a bat
which has all sorts of associations
didn't seem at all negative
but there was a lot of time spent on
how the finish on the cards was reached


there was a japanese ceremony
where i washed liquid from a large bowl
over a  special cloth
and
a design appeared

there was a girl
with beads
she made beads, i think
i think there was something important in that
she had an attitude
i wanted her to come somewhere with me
or i was trying to impress her
or something
and she didn't have time for me

the night before
i was exhausted when i woke up
because i was moving furniture all night in my dreams
and when i woke up this morning, i thought, wow
the level of skill just shot through the roof
because it was all
to do with
art
and
ritual
and aesthetic, somehow
but i can't remember the specifics

somehow
i see the dreams as in some way
a step forward
but
i mean, more like artistically than maturity-wise
but
i'm irritated
because i can't remember everything
and it seemed important

the cards
seem not too important, but i remember them best
because i went through a whole process in the dream
to figure out how to reproduce them
because i found them so beautiful

does that mean
i'm supposed to make a card deck
or do a reading with some special animal cards
or was it the images on the cards that were important

so many questions

how will i know if i'm right

i've been reading some old somatic shrine posts, and i gotta say

i don't think i sound as crazy
as i thought i sounded at the time
that's one thing
what i do sound
is
somewhat adolescent
but
i have to say
i really like that girl
i think she's gonna grow into something
also
i think
i see a marked improvement in my writing
although
she made me tear up a little
so....

i read back over
what i said i wanted
and
i seem to have developed
like a whole mother persona on top of that
and, strangely, i would have said i was very maternal then


they say you don't get any smarter after they take out your wisdom teeth
and mine didn't have enough room to come all the way in
i had them broken out of my jaw
when i was
i don't know
twenty-three, maybe

how old would you say i seem now
it's impossible for me to say

and even when i was hurt and angry
and
really
the other stuff that went down
really made that all a lot worse for me
my depression
never got dangerous
i really don't want to live without you
i don't know how i would ultimately deal with that
but
i was in love with you for years before you knew
and
what no one else on earth would probably understand
is that
real or fake
alive or dead
i am perfectly capable of carrying on some type
of relationship with you

you are not some random guy
i didn't latch on to you because of what you do
or how you look, or any of that kind of stuff
and, in fact
i may have
[although i've certainly tried with due diligence not to]
written in some of what i think is you
filled in too many gaps
that is the danger if you are real
so i have to be diligent

no one could ever really take you from me

apparently, i wanna talk about, you know....

i hope
one day
to have a little boy

and
i'm of two minds, really

one falls into the cultural and aesthetic camp

the other falls into the nature camp

and
not having the proper frame of reference
my plan
was to defer

but
you know me
and you know
what i value
and
i mean, come on
the do no harm thing
is pretty
compelling

i don't know what this means

maybe it was supposed to be
a heart of darkness
or
apocalypse now
reference

i say that because of the boat
but the tone was quite different

it was a journey of exploration
but not so much of the soul
it was through waterways
[ditches mostly, i think]
to get from one apartment to another
charting the territory, as it were

i think the boat was one of those
big-fan-everglades-types
and there was a whole cast of characters
both on board
and on location

i'm hoping some of it comes back to me today
because, for now
what i remember is

eating some sort of delicacy
like an artichoke heart
a brussel sprout
and something else
all rolled into one
with overtones of it being
like dodo eggs on galapagos or something

there were beautiful vistas
there were socio-economic discussions
about the area
the people

there was
just before i woke up
and i have every expectation that it would have gone on and on
a group of people
acting out
although not actually engaging in
some sort of sado-masochistic scene
which ended with me offering to provide the soundtrack
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua dua,
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua
the valkeries

and
over all the rest of the dream
overlaid
a radio show
by cousin _______________
i can't remember the name, but
he might have been my actual cousin
or that might have just been his name

it kinda reminded me
of another book
now that i think of it

and
maybe that was your point
if you sent it

i love ya cuz
but don't go gettin all misty about it
cause i stand by your newly ranked status
though
that's maybe appropriate
given your kingly status
get it
cuz

happy new year

i didn't tell you that to get a reaction

sometimes
people think
there's some reaction
they're supposed to have
and
maybe
for some people there is
but
not for me
i
just tell you my state of mind
on a regular basis
and
i'm tellin ya now

i feel like
i can't make any sense of it

and
when
i try to make sense of it
there are so many things i can come up with
for somewhat plausible explanations
but
they all kinda nauseate me

and
i know you can't talk
and

it's just such whiplash
to feel so close to you
so much like
it might really all come true
which i know is crazy
i'm not saying it is true
just that i felt it so intensely
then
to this

and
i don't want to lose you
but
i'm not sure i feel the same
my dreams
the cards
all say everything is the same
but
i feel a little cauterized

i don't know if i should talk about this or not

i'm not hurting myself
and i don't think
that i'm going to

but
i'm not so enthusiastic about living

i feel like
i might be better off
if i was crazy

this is gonna be all over the place

this afternoon
i felt you
several times
i'm not sure
what was going on with you
but
it was
very warm

as the day wore on
you were a frisson across my brain stem
so that any time i would stop
you were there

and i began to think
maybe you had something
that you needed me to know


this evening
i watched a show
where people were talking about
the person who taught them to cook
so i tried to figure out
who taught me to cook

and i'm not sure

i think all the women on both sides of my family
hate to cook
and the men
mostly don't know how

my gran gran made grilled cheese
and a mean hamburger steak
my mother made a pretty decent chicken vegetable soup
my father tried to teach me to poach eggs
but he had this tornado method
and mine never came out anything other than free-form
and containing too much water
my aunt taught me how to make thanksgiving dressing
and how to broil lamb chops in the toaster oven

i don't think that any of this constitutes
teaching me to cook

i mostly
think it was pbs
but i don't know where the interest comes from
and i've always been more into special occasion cooking
they got me this international cooking cookbook
they started me out
making side dishes at thanksgiving
and
just sorta graduated up from there
i made this fruited pot roast once
of which i am still proud

but i just sorta read the book and did it
i guess my aunt answered any questions i had
and supervised
because she did the meals
so my gran gran wouldn't have to work

but i have absolutely no
fond memories
of
being taught to cook
by some matriarchal figure

except
maybe
julia child
bon appetit

do most children like cooking shows
i wonder


i have all these things
that i want to say to you

but i can't
because
my thoughts are not coherent

not at all

at all

all