something's up with my breasts

so
i went shopping today
i was going to do something
more enriching
but
i really didn't feel like it

i needed some more bras
and some shoes
[i had returned all the others
and after daily use
the others
are
wearing out
and
not as comfy
as they would be if switched out
i'm guessing]

and i found some shoes
they are adidas running shoes
pretty much like the rykas
so, cool

but
none of my bras seem to fit right
they seem to be
both
too loose
and
too tight

maybe
they are all just wearing out as well

now
i'm not sure if my tits were ever what you'd call perky
but i remember when they first drooped
and
i remember when
i had kinda gotten used to that
and then
they drooped again


but now
they're doing something else
they seem younger
not like magazine tits
but
more alert somehow

so i'm trying on bras
and these are normal brands
even though i'm at the ross
and
the C cups are too tight
now
i've almost always been kinda a C-
because
i have national geographic shaped breasts
not big ole melons
but now
they are pushing out in the bad not-push-uppy way
and 40 seems a little loose
but 38 won't meet at the back
not even kinda
how can that be
so
but there was this kick ass sports bra that was 4.99
seriously, 4.99
so i had to make that work, somehow
and i remembered
you can go bigger around if the cup size is too small
so i got a 42C
the other two i got were 40DD
they were kinda unstructured
but
how is it possible that i can even put on a DD bra?
and they fit like a dream

but i was thinking they were smaller

so
i don't know what is up with my breasts
they have me totally mystified

i love you, papi garnacha

i love you, sweetpea

today
there was a freak flash flood
it wasn't even forecast
as of yesterday
for it to rain

but

it

did

i saw this sign as i drove by the social network baptist church and i wonder

what do they mean


it said:

happy people avoid lust


now
this is not a stadium church
but it does have
like
2,000 members or something
and
it has been cold called out to me
as an excellent place to meet people
because they
quote
have a really large and active singles network
end quote

so
what do they mean by lust


the lust that happy people avoid


i just though it was very
strange

this might not make any sense

i've been up and down
there was one thing i didn't really believe you'd do
and now
it seems so much less likely
so it's whatever

and
i asked for a sign
not for if you'd do that thing
but
for something else

but
then
i said:
oh, but no god, nevermind
i don't even know what to ask for as a sign

and in a flash of insight
it came into my head
a pregnant woman in a pink shirt

and i'm all like:
ok god, whatever

so then
i didn't see a pregnant woman in a pink shirt
and i'm all like:
great


but then today i did
hochswanger and with a kid in-tow
so
my spirits soared

but
i'm having trouble
i'm not gonna lie

i though about names

i don't know why, exactly
i think it started
with a thought:
would i call you by your name

there is a part of me that is acutely aware
that
though i call you by silly love names
and i have, once or twice
called you
what people mostly call you
i have never called you by your full name

i like your name
and
in general
i don't call people by shortened versions
but
i always let people cue me for what to call them

so
while i might call you pumpkin or slim or shango
if i was gonna call you by name
i would only ever call you by your chosen self-referent

but i have found myself
kind of
longing
to call you ________
you know  your name

i also
found myself
wondering what you call me
when you think of me
do you attach a name
or a face
or
what happens in your mind there

i don't know
why my mind went there
it seems like a kind of silly thing, really

also about names
i think of the puppyfish
as having a certain name
that we've bandied about
and
i'm flexible and all
if you want something else
or
you think it's too plain, or common, or whatever
but i've really grown attached to it
if i'm lucky enough to get to have the small fry
i'd like to actually name him that

it's crazy, huh
but
that was today

chickpeas and crock pot love

so
i got a crock pot
i'm sure i used to have one
well, pretty sure
but if i ever really used it
it was definitely for some meat something or other
which is, of course, not my plan

i love chickpeas
but they are a beast to make
because of the skinning of the chickpeas
look up almost any hummus recipe and it will used canned chickpeas
which is crap
totally

and
i was eating all that fruit
but now i don't want fruit, not at all
it's some weather/seasonal thing i think
but
i want something hot to eat
and i want brown rice and chickpeas
and, to be honest, potatoes too

but
kinda by accident
i discovered that
slow cooking the chickpeas
gives them quite a meaty flavor

so i've had them with carrots, onions, fresh tomatoes
to make a stew
and with sundried tomatoes and onions
to make a pasta sauce
and
tonight
i think i've got chili

i never expected to get vegetarian chili from chickpeas
until after the pasta sauce
which had started me to thinking

so i soaked 2 cups of chickpeas
and marinated these other ingredients overnight
so they'd be just ready to throw in the crock and go:

1 huge onion [skin on, cause i heard that gives more flavor]
about a cup of basically julienned sundried tomato
a couple ounces wakame
about a tablespoon of umeboshi vinegar
about a tablespoon of soy sauce

and i'm really sorry
but i have no real guesstimate on quantity
but i'm going with

1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon cumin seed
1/2 teaspoon dried garlic bits
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon fennel seed
1 tablespoon turmeric

and i soaked some peppers overnight in the chickpea water
and basically julienned them before putting them in the pot
[what i keep meaning by basically julienned is that that is about the size and shape of the pieces{a little thicker}, but i don't cut them at an angle so they aren't technically julienned, see]

i'm not sure what kind of chilis these are
i just bought a big bag of dried chilis at the farmer's market
maybe anaheim
now
i wanted to use chipotle peppers
not super hot, but that beautiful smokiness
i have some frickin chipotle peppers
but i couldn't find them
and
i really must get some habeneros
if i'm gonna do this thing right
so next time

so i pour all that in the pot
with a cup of red wine and some water

and
it has come out
tasting
very much like chili
way more than any bean concoction
of course
it doesn't look like chili
so i may submersion blend it
put some shredded cheese and raw diced onion on top
and then see how it looks
i was all prepared to add hatcho miso
but i think that's overkill
and
i think i really knew that when i put in the soy sauce

i guarantee you will like this stuff
and
if that daiya cheese is as good as it's supposed to be
it could be completely vegan
[or it could have delicious cheesey goodness]

chickpeas, who knew

just something i need to explain

i feel like i'm
not quite myself
so i just want to assure you
i'm fine

i had shut down my computer
and i booted back up
because
frankly
i felt like you might worry about me

i've had a lot to absorb
in the last two weeks or so
and
just for extra fun
i was pre-menstrual
and now
it's happy happy blood time

so
if i seem
just a little on edge
it's kinda a combo thing

i know you've got stuff going on
probably
happy celebratory stuff
so go do happy stuff
don't worry about me
i'm, as much as you could reasonably expect, happy for you
and
the idea that i might be freaking you out at all
is apparently
something that won't let me sleep

i love you sweetheart

last night's dreams

i meant to write this right away
because i felt it slipping away
but i got distracted
so let's see what i still got

there were cards
they looked like faded
whitewashed turquoise-y wood
with ethereal outline forms of animals
the only animal i remember
a bat
which has all sorts of associations
didn't seem at all negative
but there was a lot of time spent on
how the finish on the cards was reached


there was a japanese ceremony
where i washed liquid from a large bowl
over a  special cloth
and
a design appeared

there was a girl
with beads
she made beads, i think
i think there was something important in that
she had an attitude
i wanted her to come somewhere with me
or i was trying to impress her
or something
and she didn't have time for me

the night before
i was exhausted when i woke up
because i was moving furniture all night in my dreams
and when i woke up this morning, i thought, wow
the level of skill just shot through the roof
because it was all
to do with
art
and
ritual
and aesthetic, somehow
but i can't remember the specifics

somehow
i see the dreams as in some way
a step forward
but
i mean, more like artistically than maturity-wise
but
i'm irritated
because i can't remember everything
and it seemed important

the cards
seem not too important, but i remember them best
because i went through a whole process in the dream
to figure out how to reproduce them
because i found them so beautiful

does that mean
i'm supposed to make a card deck
or do a reading with some special animal cards
or was it the images on the cards that were important

so many questions

how will i know if i'm right

i've been reading some old somatic shrine posts, and i gotta say

i don't think i sound as crazy
as i thought i sounded at the time
that's one thing
what i do sound
is
somewhat adolescent
but
i have to say
i really like that girl
i think she's gonna grow into something
also
i think
i see a marked improvement in my writing
although
she made me tear up a little
so....

i read back over
what i said i wanted
and
i seem to have developed
like a whole mother persona on top of that
and, strangely, i would have said i was very maternal then


they say you don't get any smarter after they take out your wisdom teeth
and mine didn't have enough room to come all the way in
i had them broken out of my jaw
when i was
i don't know
twenty-three, maybe

how old would you say i seem now
it's impossible for me to say

and even when i was hurt and angry
and
really
the other stuff that went down
really made that all a lot worse for me
my depression
never got dangerous
i really don't want to live without you
i don't know how i would ultimately deal with that
but
i was in love with you for years before you knew
and
what no one else on earth would probably understand
is that
real or fake
alive or dead
i am perfectly capable of carrying on some type
of relationship with you

you are not some random guy
i didn't latch on to you because of what you do
or how you look, or any of that kind of stuff
and, in fact
i may have
[although i've certainly tried with due diligence not to]
written in some of what i think is you
filled in too many gaps
that is the danger if you are real
so i have to be diligent

no one could ever really take you from me

apparently, i wanna talk about, you know....

i hope
one day
to have a little boy

and
i'm of two minds, really

one falls into the cultural and aesthetic camp

the other falls into the nature camp

and
not having the proper frame of reference
my plan
was to defer

but
you know me
and you know
what i value
and
i mean, come on
the do no harm thing
is pretty
compelling

i don't know what this means

maybe it was supposed to be
a heart of darkness
or
apocalypse now
reference

i say that because of the boat
but the tone was quite different

it was a journey of exploration
but not so much of the soul
it was through waterways
[ditches mostly, i think]
to get from one apartment to another
charting the territory, as it were

i think the boat was one of those
big-fan-everglades-types
and there was a whole cast of characters
both on board
and on location

i'm hoping some of it comes back to me today
because, for now
what i remember is

eating some sort of delicacy
like an artichoke heart
a brussel sprout
and something else
all rolled into one
with overtones of it being
like dodo eggs on galapagos or something

there were beautiful vistas
there were socio-economic discussions
about the area
the people

there was
just before i woke up
and i have every expectation that it would have gone on and on
a group of people
acting out
although not actually engaging in
some sort of sado-masochistic scene
which ended with me offering to provide the soundtrack
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua dua,
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua
the valkeries

and
over all the rest of the dream
overlaid
a radio show
by cousin _______________
i can't remember the name, but
he might have been my actual cousin
or that might have just been his name

it kinda reminded me
of another book
now that i think of it

and
maybe that was your point
if you sent it

i love ya cuz
but don't go gettin all misty about it
cause i stand by your newly ranked status
though
that's maybe appropriate
given your kingly status
get it
cuz

happy new year

i didn't tell you that to get a reaction

sometimes
people think
there's some reaction
they're supposed to have
and
maybe
for some people there is
but
not for me
i
just tell you my state of mind
on a regular basis
and
i'm tellin ya now

i feel like
i can't make any sense of it

and
when
i try to make sense of it
there are so many things i can come up with
for somewhat plausible explanations
but
they all kinda nauseate me

and
i know you can't talk
and

it's just such whiplash
to feel so close to you
so much like
it might really all come true
which i know is crazy
i'm not saying it is true
just that i felt it so intensely
then
to this

and
i don't want to lose you
but
i'm not sure i feel the same
my dreams
the cards
all say everything is the same
but
i feel a little cauterized

i don't know if i should talk about this or not

i'm not hurting myself
and i don't think
that i'm going to

but
i'm not so enthusiastic about living

i feel like
i might be better off
if i was crazy

this is gonna be all over the place

this afternoon
i felt you
several times
i'm not sure
what was going on with you
but
it was
very warm

as the day wore on
you were a frisson across my brain stem
so that any time i would stop
you were there

and i began to think
maybe you had something
that you needed me to know


this evening
i watched a show
where people were talking about
the person who taught them to cook
so i tried to figure out
who taught me to cook

and i'm not sure

i think all the women on both sides of my family
hate to cook
and the men
mostly don't know how

my gran gran made grilled cheese
and a mean hamburger steak
my mother made a pretty decent chicken vegetable soup
my father tried to teach me to poach eggs
but he had this tornado method
and mine never came out anything other than free-form
and containing too much water
my aunt taught me how to make thanksgiving dressing
and how to broil lamb chops in the toaster oven

i don't think that any of this constitutes
teaching me to cook

i mostly
think it was pbs
but i don't know where the interest comes from
and i've always been more into special occasion cooking
they got me this international cooking cookbook
they started me out
making side dishes at thanksgiving
and
just sorta graduated up from there
i made this fruited pot roast once
of which i am still proud

but i just sorta read the book and did it
i guess my aunt answered any questions i had
and supervised
because she did the meals
so my gran gran wouldn't have to work

but i have absolutely no
fond memories
of
being taught to cook
by some matriarchal figure

except
maybe
julia child
bon appetit

do most children like cooking shows
i wonder


i have all these things
that i want to say to you

but i can't
because
my thoughts are not coherent

not at all

at all

all

superjammpact dream last night

i was swimming
with my [dream]brother
i was mad at him
i'm not sure what he had done
but i was aware
that somehow
i was focusing my anger
on his penis

he, however
just laughed at me
confident and superior
but then he looked at me:
but see, how lovely is this lagoon
the water so green
and he compared it to something
i can't remember
i want to say:
like a fine gin
only that doesn't make any sense
but it made me think
of blue diamond


i was a street fighter
i was bad ass
and there was a fair amount of
gratuitous fight scenes
until the one that actually
moved the plot along
there was a
[i'd have to call it a]
spear
he threw it at me
there wasn't time to move
yet
it seemed like there must have been
because time slowed down
in that way that it does when something
something really bad is happening that gives
you an immediate animal sense:
i might die


i saw the blade moving through the space
i saw it thwunk into my hip
i knew
if i pulled it out
i would bleed, seriously
so i left it in
ran away

it seemed only to be a flesh wound
so i was cleaning and dressing it
rubbing some red stuff into my thighs
i was thinking of it as rouge
that was making me laugh
i had a tattoo
in the curve
waist to hip
it was
pretty cursive writing
about four inches high
and it said something
i couldn't really read
or i can't remember
and i was distracted
by how amazing
my thighs
omg
thighs of my dreams, ha ha
and my waist
sleek
smooth
man, i was awesome

but then that guy
the one who made me so uncomfortable
with the large woman thing
he walked by
and laughed
and asked me if i had
hearts and flowers tattooed on my actual asshole
and i realized the tattoo said something
about my asshole
and
i realized
it was talking about you
you graduated from
pain in the ass
to asshole

but
the whole hip thing
made me think
of jacob
of israel
of god_wrestling


i was an old man
i guess
it seemed to be an old couple
the doctor came by
are you keeping that wet
he asked about my injured leg
well, i'm keeping it oiled
yes, i see, but you're not using enough oil
you need to really slather it on
it needs to be wet
and then the old woman
was looking for mascara
which she never buys
but always looks for
in her kit
so
i had stuck a sample size in
which i picked up, i don't know where
but it kept skittering away, just out of reach
and my leg hurt, and i just wanted to sit down
but i had to help her
i loved her
and
she seemed so frail to me

then my phone beeped at me

and i think he might be haunting me, a little

because
i keep randomly smelling
that kinda funky
ashtray
smell

and seeing
the upturn of lips
when he was genuinely amused


i love you daddy
i always did
and
i didn't leave you
i left that fucking bitch
the one you told all my secrets
the one you let lead you around by the nose
but, then
you treated me
and i didn't realize this
until
some stuff came together for me
connecting the dots
you were acting the jilted one
and you never really forgave me

so
i could love you in a way that would destroy me
or
nothing else was good enough
cause fuck me, right
i couldn't possibly have needs

but
the others didn't do it for you
and you missed me
so
it couldn't just be a clean break
we had to go round and round for years and years

don't haunt me
you don't need to
i have the scars
i spent thirty years shutting down the girl
wrapping my woman heart
with the merciless care of a foot binder

now look at me
just look at me
seventeen
screaming
covered in pig's blood

i knew he was dead before i got the call

because of the dream i had the night before

i was avoiding him
and he
was sitting
in a barber chair

he said:
i'm waiting for you
i'm at the nail salon

and something in the way he said it
i knew

happy chanukah puppyfish

i know it's confusing
all this christmas
and santa
and such

and
i'm not an expert
but
i'm gonna try to make
some sense of it, anyway

now
some of your friends are christian
and
they will tell you
christmas is about the birth of christ
there's a beautiful story
where the most holy person ever born
is treated like dirt
no room at the inn
and then three wise men
come bearing expensive gifts
because they recognize his worth
and
they give presents
to commemorate that


and
santa
doesn't have anything to do with jesus
santa
is a story which has origins
which pull from the great melting pot
pagan and pagan christian hybrid st. nicholas blah blah
to become something that is very american
santa is at best
a personification of the spirit of giving
so
why
doesn't santa visit you
like he visits your friends

the short answer, puppyfish, is that he doesn't visit them either
but
i love you
and i want you to use your whole brain
so i'm gonna give you the long answer


ok puppyfish
you know how i give you totems
how do you know those aren't graven images, idols
maybe you don't
and that's important
a totem isn't something you worship
it doesn't answer your prayers or demand loyalty
it offers up it's essence as an example a guide
a more powerful template
to stretch into

and
i think
that's kinda what christians want santa to be for kids
someone selfless, impersonal, but generous, caring, happy
it's all about being better to give than to receive
but
america is a consumer culture
and
even though christmas is largely santa and not jesus
it becomes compulsive, excessive, and commercial


i personally don't like that those parents pretend that santa is a person
rather than an ideal
i think that they think they are keeping their children innocent
of the machinations of reality
when they are really
teaching their children
that love equals material possessions

and that i think
as much as anything christians might throw at us
is the zeus in our temple


the history of the jewish people, puppyfish
is chock full of repression
i could theorize about why we seem like such a threat
but i won't
but
in the ancient world
the temple represented judaism
in the way no one place could today
the ancient greeks
for all their culture and civilization
felt so threatened that they desecrated our temple
and put up a statue of zeus
a graven image
worship who we say
we won't let you be who you are

the maccabees said enough
they fought the power
and they took back the temple
we light the lights to commemorate
the victory
and
the rededication of the temple
it was maybe a miracle
that they found an undesecrated container of oil
and it was maybe a miracle
that that oil lasted until they were able to bring in fresh supplies
or maybe that is just a metaphor
for the smaller number of maccabees
overwhelming the great army of greece

the reason we don't have a hanukkah bush
the reason we don't play along with this great american game
because
we are american
is that we honor both the maccabees
and a larger american ideal
freedom of religion

you're not hurting for stuff
we don't need to sell out who we are
just to prance around in some retail pagent tilt-a-whirl
i'm sorry if i'm coming off like a hippie
please don't become an investment banker
now
get your dad to teach you the dreidel thing
i don't know from dreidels
and i'm gonna go make latkes
teaching you that food equals love
which is almost as wrong
but
delicious

the first night

i don't get this time of year
i mean
christmas
is whatever
and, i know i know, chanukah is not that
but it gets all blown up
because
it wants to compete
and
i can make a case about how it's an important statement
about religious freedom
and pride
and whatnot
or
i could
make a big production
about the miracle of the oil

[and
don't get me wrong
i would totally use it
as religious grounds
for the need
to eat fried foods
if you want em]

but
i'm not feelin it

i like
the metaphor
and meaning
and spiritual development
of passover through shavuot
i feel those

i get how i should
but somehow don't
feel
tisha b'av
rosh hashanah
yom kippur
simchat torah
as a cycle of destruction and renewal

sukkot i don't really get
but maybe that's because
thanksgiving already sort of does
whatever sukkot is supposed to do

but chanukah seems confused about what it is

i'm letting you field this one

i'm tempted to say:
it's all about the maccabees
jews are bad ass
if you buy presents
and pretend like it's christmas
the bad guys win

but i can't really get behind the miracle of the oil
that seems like it was just added on top
to make a military victory
a religious thing
it seems
like it waters it down
but
maybe
it's necessary
for the whole week of
latke bacchanalia

so
whatever you think/want
is fine with me

from russia with love

i looked again
at the tools
and
actually
it does say
and
after the u.s.
the largest number of visitors
are from russia
[or environs]
enough visits, in fact
that i find it hard to believe
that
i do not have an actual reader

and
as a writer
i want to say:

thank you
for enjoying what i write

meta blah blah

am i
in what i am doing here
essentially
some sort of performance artist
i have thought, at various points, that i might be

and i'm not against performance art
i just have feelings about it
like
that the kind of person
who shoves a chain up their vag
pours pig blood over themselves
pulling the chain out
and screaming
about
whatever
that
is a really crappy performance artist
what i like
is someone doing something different
making you think
mostly
things where maybe
you don't immediately think:
ah yes, performance art

the thing about me
with this
is, really
that i'm not doing it publicly
well, i am
but that is a sort of unfortunate reality
not the plan
i would rather only you saw it

i purposely don't tag this stuff
and
i sorta don't want people to read it

but they are
they updated the tools
they don't tell me how many people from each place
and, of course
they might not read it
they may just click on it to see
if it's what they are looking for
and
we're not talking huge numbers
but i have
actually
worldwide clickership

i'm not sure how i feel about that

on the one hand
i don't like it
on the other hand
i find it kinda exciting
on the one foot [no more hands]
i'd rather strangers read it than some of the people
who may, or may not, but i'm pretty sure are
on the other foot
now
a part of me always knows
someone
or some number of people
are probably going to see
and
i really like it better
if it's a maybe
low probability
chance thing


chance




speaking of chance
does it seem to you
in your day to day world
that the amount of synchronicity
is like
on steroids
information
random stuff
stuff that cannot possibly be
anything other than random
seems to be talking to me
that makes me uncomfortable
because i start to worry
that i'm actually crazy

i have
fear
of
the crazy

which interferes
with the beautiful messages from
wherever

i guess it's the holidaze

i am going to try to be low key about this
but
i guess
you might as well know this about me
if you don't already

my mother beeped me on chat
(i didn't even know she knew how)

did you know your brother got married
yeah
i guess i sorta did
what does that mean
are you in contact with your brother or not

he sent me something on myspace
which i didn't get for two months
that said he was getting married, and
if i got this message in the next few days
and could make it
let him know

i sent him back something that said
i guessed it was too late
but
i don't know
he would have called me
or emailed me or something
if it really mattered to him, right
i don't know
i didn't go back to myspace to see if he replied
i just didn't

did you know you had a new nephew
huh
didn't they just get married
the birth was a performance art piece
apparently it's all over the news

yuck


how did you find out that i have a new performance art
e. called me
don't call her that
she made me promise to give you a message
if it's bad news
i don't think i want to hear it
unless somebody's dying

oh, ok, nobody's dead

fine, just tell me
i'm already getting upset

just call me
now please

i call my mother

i'm sure if it were serious
your brother would have contacted you
just tell me what she said
your father just came out of a coma
why was he in a coma
she didn't have any information

didn't she say last year that her kidney's were failing
yes
did she mention that this time
no
so how is she still alive
i don't know

she's just calling because it's the holidays
she has to stir things up
any holiday
gathering
family event
had to have her throwing a fit
i will never forget
on gran gran and paw paw's 40th anniversary
she threw a huge fit about how they'd never loved her
it had to be all about her
do we have any reason to believe her

i'm sure he would have contacted you

well, i'm not sure
check your myspace
i don't want to check my myspace
i can't handle it right now
if there is an archive of
dad's dying where are you
in my inbox

but you've had the same cell phone number for
for fifteen years
yeah
still not sure

and
how is b.b. still alive anyway
he smoked three-and-a-half-packs-of-cigarettes-a-day
for over thirty years
why isn't he dead yet
i don't know

i know i'm going to hell for that
i can't go there
well, i guess i could
and maybe i would if he was asking for me or something
but i don't want to
i haven't had an interaction with him that hasn't made me feel
worse about him
since i can remember
maybe it would make him feel better, or maybe not

now i'm sorry i told you

well, you had to
or you'd have to bear the burden of whether it was right not to
maybe next time
just not right before bed time
i could send you a letter
that's perfect


label it:
missives from the crazy people open at your own risk

only
i guess at christmas time the mail might go too slow
i might not have enough of a window
if it really was critical
but any other time

i never hear from her any other time
right

i'm not coherent

and
i want to touch you
i see myself
running the flat of my palm
across the front of your jeans

and the way i see it
it's not as sexually aggressive
as it is
like
givin props to the heat
maybe it wouldn't be something you'd want me to do
maybe it'd be too much
or not enough
invasive
whatever
but
in my mind
it's both familiar and nurturing
like
a non-verbal
my god i find you so hot right now

when
for whatever reason
maybe it isn't possible
to dance

how is a raven like a writing desk

hey, i love you, slim

i have to get up in about four hours
so no time to write now
but
i'm feeling the urge
so
this is just
a
place
holder

rose firmament

i used to play this game occasionally
the sims
and
mostly
it was never all that successful
i liked to build characters
i liked to build environments
houses and whatnot
but
i could never really get the character's shit together

and, at that point
i felt like it was some sort of
life effigy
like
if i could get it together
that was a sign
or something

so one day
i said:
wtf
i'm just gonna have one character
in a tiny house
i'm not gonna date
i'm not gonna try to have friends
i'm just going to have a lone character
in a small house
who's a writer

so i created
rose firmament

she wrote a book
and it wasn't very successful
but she hadn't really practiced writing or anything
so, she did that, before she wrote another one
and she hit it out of the park
she was pretty happy
years went by

i'm not sure how
or why
but one day she met this guy
and the plan changed
for some reason
she hooked up with him
and they ended up married

my previous sims adventures had not happened that way
and i had planned to keep her single
because the relationships
and babies
had not worked for me before
this game
this game i had planned to keep simple

so they were married
so now
i could see his life goals and such
[cause they show up on your bar when they join your household]
and his lifetime goal was to have six children
now
in a normal sims scenario
not a big problem
but she was already kinda old for the time needed for six
but she loved him i guess
and i wanted them to have a really happy life
so i used up all her saved points
and i got them both fertility treatments
and she had
i forget now
either three sets of twins
or two sets of triplets

it was freakin nuts
and rose hired a lot of babysitters
just to help out
but she did occasionally leave the kids alone with the babysitter
and one of the stole one of her toddlers

she was distraught
i was distraught
i thought that her man's dream could never come true
and i was horrified and grieving the loss of the baby
that was the end of the babysitters
she just kicked it into high gear
and took care of the five remaining kids
like a pro
she couldn't write as much
but she had already got some royalty checks coming in
and her husband was a coach i think
they were doing ok
they didn't have much
and they didn't move into a bigger house
they just added a little as absolutely necessary
in fact
for their whole lives
their bed was in the open room downstairs
that had been her original writer's shack

one day when the kids were six or so
when she had given up hope that she could ever provide
elusive sixth kid
some guy came over
and
low and behold
it was her husband's grown son
he'd had one with somebody else before, hallelujah
but
you've got to get them all through school
and
she had to get crackin
because her life goal was to be like an acclaimed writer
or something
and she had to write a certain number of books
across several categories
and have some number of successful books
and blah blah blah

and
they were happy
and the kids were happy

they both met their life goals
in fact
one of the younger kids went into sports
and the dad started coaching him
and died
of old age
while coaching him, i think
and then his ghost went right on coaching him
rose died within a few months of takaro
[i'm pretty sure his name was takaro]
and then her ghost hung out there too

i was really sad that they died
but they had great lives
and they lived to be older than any of the other sims
at least any i'd ever had before
and i loved the house
i would have kept playing the kids
but it was just too many adults to juggle
and rose was the character i was attached to, really

and it's funny
because that was the successful game

rose firmament

hey, i love you

some of the goofy stuff i do
all the time, actually
to tell me how you are doing
if
i'm not feeling
anything
directly
some of those things
are telling me now
that you are
thinking
bad thoughts, somehow
that you think

i'm not sure what, actually

so
if you are
then don't
don't be sad
or mad or worried

at least not
about
whether or not i love you
because i definitely do, that

i hope
the cards and stuff
just don't know what they're talking about

wiggly

darlin

i think
i'm probably not
going to call you darlin
i still feel strange from before
i'm folksy and all
pumpkin rolls off the tongue smoothly enough
but darlin feels like tryin-too-hard or ironical or such
no
it feels
slightly masculine
as it resonates through the space
and
i'm not comfortable with it
hon
has a concomitantly
situated energy

and baby
only works
sometimes

pumpkin is fine
but somewhat generic

beloved
i like beloved
but it seems, for many reasons, unwieldy
as a daily appellation

and
if you know me
you probably realize
you can expect a slew
of silly monikers
all of which
grew
organically
from
something
continually evolving
into
something else

you'd also know
how much brain power i use
on internal meta-dialog about
how
words i've already used
hang in the air
after the fact

i would guess
that's sort of a writer-y thing
or
maybe
a kind of perfectionist-y thing

whatever

and
boom

this has to be
[and i just realized as much]
a huge wind up for today's brilliant referent
so what is it, huh, what ya got lady
shut up you crusty little urchin of a chorus, i'm thinkin


i love you harp

very very strange dream last night

i'm not really sure where to start
i can't remember the exact ordering
i'm not sure
what's more
salient

here goes

i was working somewhere, i guess
and
you know how i used to have problems
finding a bathroom
apparently
no longer a problem
i mean
really
trash cans, and whatnot

i find this rather unsettling, now
but in the dream
no problem


i was going to the doctor
i'm not sure why
but
the waiting room
was like a big arcade
there was a swing hanging from the ceiling
i got on it
i loved the swings so so much when i was little
but by the time i was a teenager
it seemed like my knees
didn't quite have the juice anymore
and maybe i was too heavy
but
it wasn't the same
i couldn't get to the full arc
but i did in the dream
plus
i did these figure eights
and twist the chains

it was so so fun

then
i was going to see the doctor
and
i thought i had waited so long
because it was some special plan, or something
but
it turned out
i was paying full price
which was $160, [which seems steep]
but
as i took off my hat and looked in the mirror
i was bald
i don't mean like chemo bald
or cool shaved head bald
i mean
shiny pate under the hat
taking me by surprise
because
hair
normal
otherwise

this is very bad, i thought
how did i miss this before it got to this stage
there's nothing that can be done now
and there is no way he will not find this hideous
crap
how can he love me like this


i find this less unsettling
i get where this comes from
my hair used to be super thick
it's less thick
my father was bald
and super vain
i watched all that growing up

there is one area
which i noticed
way back
before i gave you the second coin
but maybe that same day, or the day before
if i'm in bright light
from just the right angle
i can see my scalp through my hair
when i noticed that
i just about lost my shit
and
you've never noticed it
i know
because
like that same day
you made some reference to propecia
and
you wouldn't have done that
if you though there was any way
i'd take it as referent to me

it's fear that i'm not physically attractive enough for you
i think
that's probably human


i'm not sure what the swing could mean
i'm tempted to think you sent it to me, somehow
but maybe
it's a signal from my body
to push my improved knees a little more


then
i was driving along the highway
there was this couple
or brother and sister
whatever
running
and
tumbling
and i thought i'd try to stop and give them a ride
but there wasn't anywhere to pull over right by them
and when i finally did
i got this strong message
they are dangerous to you, drive away

so i don't know what that was about
seems like a warning
but
about what
don't know

seems like there's something i'm forgetting

for the record
i have looked at hundreds of women's heads
in paranoia
and
there is a lot of variety in hair thickness
the particular density issue
like 80% of men have by 30
but it's maybe 50% of women by 50
so
i'm maybe not at the top of the class
but
i'm not really worried
about that


what i'm most worried about
is my legs
maybe it's just because i'm personally a "legs" person
or maybe it's a comparative thing
but i used to like my calves
and outer hips and thighs
just not knees and inner thighs
but now my calves have
[and ok, it's not just now
you've seen this
and you didn't run screaming from the building]
this like thicker
is it a weird standing muscle
or
water retention
or what
action going on
that i hate


wow
this is super sexy, huh

sorry

i haven't said anything for a while

but i have been thinking about you
i've had a lot going on
and
it's not really stabilized yet
i'm not sure when
or where
or how

and
i've been trying not to let myself
freak out
just to be honest

but
i can feel you
through the ether
really strongly, some days

keep doin what you're doin
and
treat yourself
special
from me
because
i love you, darlin

camping, sub-zero

i didn't
in the dream
actually get to the camping part
there was a bunch of gear
to be acquired
i needed
one of those mummy sleeping bags
i needed mittens
and gloves
for depending
whether i needed to use
fine motor skills

the long gone house
on sunburst street
put in an appearance

and
there were lots of conversations
i can't remember them though

something
about how i wouldn't be so lucky
twice
to have unseasonably warm weather

something
about how i was freakin crazy
and
more probably
but
i can't remember

you been on my mind

i just kept thinking about you
just kinda happy
nothing
too specific

i just love you

but i sometimes worry
that you aren't taking good care of yourself

you have to live forever, you know


i'm going to be off-line all day tomorrow
but i'll be thinking about you

i love you

i'm having a strong desire to buy you something

not just any old something
i mean a particular something
and
regardless
that doesn't happen that frequently
so
i thought i'd show you what i want to buy you

except
i can't find one

i have pictured in my head:

a jacket
which would traditionally be
sort of a chunky knit
maybe cable knit or something
with toggle buttons
sort of a fisherman's jacket

except
not that at all
just
inspired by
that

instead
some sort of light material
soft
like cashmere
so it's still cableknit, or whatever
but not it's not so bulky
like not a thicker weight than
sweatshirt material

which is the other inspiration:
the hoodie
so it's hooded
and soft
but the whole cable knit
and cashmere, or whatever
action goin on
and instead of the super bulky toggle buttons
something really sleek
and smart

and
if it was for me
i'd say:
black
but you don't really wear that much black
or really that much color either

maybe od green
that'd be versatile

how do you look in od
i look great in it
but maybe navy would look better on you

anyway

that's what i had a burning desire
to buy you right now

who is johnny werewolf

i dreamed i was at some club
with cable spool tables
where you sit on floor pillows
kinda a beatnik sort of a place

and i was telling you:
yeah, ya know
i like springsteen and all
but mostly because he's clearly important to you
the guy i really wanna hear play
is that johnny werewolf cat

and i could see the gears turning in your head
as you kinda crab walked out of the room

planning

something

wrought iron stairwells and four leaf clovers

i love you

chair time

adirondack
american gothic by the lake
barefoot in the grass
naked upper arms

let it be
read like a book
alone under that tree

frog mother croaking, embarrassed

just wanted to have fun
the frog mother had wailed
through the dive bombing hummingbirds
to the birthday boy

oh, fun
he melted
through the ether
that's what you wanted

and she'd come, the frog mother
chair in the woods
what was she doing here
toad in the hole


now they know how many holes it takes to fill the albert hall

why
wondered the frog mother
was he so bitter about evolution
somehow it affected his tennis game
sunrise, sunset

what's your sign, dear
cancer
and the star we saw last night
oh, and you come with satellites
losing orbit fast
headed my direction

don't you feel weird
no, it's only me

am i my brother's keeper

face to face in the place of totems

raven red wolf
and horse
i wanted both
horse would not lay smoothly on my throat
raven red wolf
danced away with me
ghost of horse
gallops
alongside

http://www.brookestonejewelry.com/store/photos/31/index.htm

http://www.brookestonejewelry.com/store/photos/366/index.htm

not quite a poem, rememberances

when first i was trying to get you alone
not because i'm some sort of nympho
but because
really
i wanted to talk
i thought, naively, that you'd meet me
in the emerald city
i left a trail of bread crumbs
wait
that's mixing the metaphors

instead
you blared from every radio
woke me up
winding through the verdant forest fire

finally
i found myself face to face
with totem guides
choose me
no me


[i'm falling asleep again
i'm kinda a wreck
bed now]

i will write you more poems, but tonight

i was walking with you
in my dream last night
through a rolling green countryside
here, we decided, here will be cows


maybe
maybe all that stuff last night
maybe you already knew all that
maybe i didn't need to say it

i'm just afraid
you'll think
that i don't want to be with you
or that i'm a manipulative bitch

plus i worry

about a bunch of stuff

i love you

i'm falling asleep
i just kinda messed up my neck
i gotta go to bed

a bunch of random stuff

i had a new wine i like today:

http://www.vinodelsol.com/pos/salessheets/VerumSalesSheet.pdf

i didn't know robert parker liked it before hand
i don't tend to like chardonnay that much
so i try them whenever i get a chance
to find some that i like
this one is not at all oak-y
it's very fruit-y
but complex
with, i guess they call it, mineral notes
patagonia
and the label are what caught my attention

if you get a chance
give it a try
i think you'll like it


i was thinking about you
about the evolution of your feelings for me
which i think i can see more clearly now
i'm not sure why
maybe
maybe my perceptions
were so tied to my own emotions
that i couldn't separate them
now that i can look back
i see things i couldn't see before

i mean
some of the things i knew
but didn't know
it's very confusing to explain

i still don't know
when it starts, your stuff
and that used to be really important to me
but i've let it go
because if i find out that it's something different
then it spoils some of my story

and
anyway
i know you were way less into me than i was with you at the start

the weird thing is
i had all these intense experiences at the very very start
when i was constantly hopped up on dope
and they were awesome 
you sang me this song in my head called pecking order
[a very silly song]
and you told me that
[you understand i mean telepathically, right
directly into my head]
you didn't know how this was going to work
please make it work

i miss you being in my head
more even than i miss being stoned out of my mind
but, i don't even feel like that person anymore
and you've mellowed
when i first met you, and for quite a while after
there was a kinda scary anger in you
i guess it's still there
and maybe you've seen me react to it
but it doesn't scare me so much as it did

i don't assume i bear the full responsibility for it
i don't assume you want to hurt me

i don't want to hurt you either
i don't want to make you love me more by being a mean girl
or aloof or any sort of trickery
i don't want to change you into some pre-set ideal i got cooked up in my head

as part of trying to make it work
i had offered a panoply of options
and it seemed like you wanted to keep them all open
which, i totally get, actually

but i feel like there have been a bunch of changes along the way
that have corresponded to my saying no in one way or another
and that,  first of all, alarms me
i'm not trying to rock the boat by bringing this up
there's a give and take that is natural, and boundaries, and such

i just want to make sure of a couple of things
and then also clarify something else

this is an illustration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLfZ2tmM3vY
i like this chick, would have subscribed to her show, except
she offended me
first she says jews aren't sexist
then she illustrates the opposite
with that whole yes-dear-stuff
i can't/won't/don't want/am offended by that model

sometimes i think you have never believed me when i say that kinda stuff

i'm not gonna feminine wiles you
or dominate you
[you know what i mean]
if you want that
if you need that
there are others more suited

generally
if i tell you what i need
[and generally i will]
i am trying to tell you something important about me
i'm not going to demand that you do it
but i will probably feel like you don't care what i need
if you don't respond
if you can't do something then you can't
if you don't want to then you don't want to
if you need to negotiate
that's all good
the goal would be:
everyone gets all their needs met
then wants, desires, and fantasies can be arranged

i have been trying to meet your needs
to the best of my ability and perceptions
i have not been sure what they are for most of the time

and, the thing is
i believe in you
and i don't mean to tell you what i need
only to play keep away
and not allow you to give me what i need
i need you to understand
that i'm not doing that
have not done that
have no plans to do that in the future

so
if i don't do something
you want me to do
especially if you know i want that too
if i am not
somewhere you know we both want me to be

know 
with the certainty of our souls
that it's not some wicked caprice

i want you
i want to hold you
i want to rub your back when it hurts
i want to give you chicken soup [or equivalent] when you're sick
i want to comfort you when you feel bad or scared or sad
i want to hold you from a distance when you need to process
i want you to be the first thing i see in the morning
the last thing at night
i want you to be
my lover
my friend
my family
for real

this is not a poem

this is a wish

that you are safe and warm and happy

wherever you are

i want like crazy

for one of your hugs

looming is bad right now

i don't know if it's just me

so you be careful

bakersfield sound

tumbleweeds
where giants fear to tread
hold the key to alien abduction

fish entrails and chicken bones
flag the santa ana winds
a slurpee machine in bakersfield
the second coming
up
at first light
after a night of switchbacks

you got a hook up with that, mary jane
i refuse to answer that
that means you do
wrap yourself in that ayahuasca vine and yell fire

i just want to say out loud
you're the love of my life
i have no response to that

let x = x mutherfucker

and the butterflies danced with you
and the flutterbys
fashionista in floorlength leather
for this i paid sixty bucks

back on the one
linda's seabreeze
through my tears
conversion to hampton inn
right there on the road to damascus

the seeds of change drew back
the continental shelf
would have run
but the gypsy
told me hold to the sea

lashed to the mast

to rust unburnish'd
not to shine in use
as tho' to breathe were life

oh brother
where art thou

there are gonna be more of these

i'm gonna write you a whole series

i hope you liked it
i hope you're not disappointed
the last line
of the last one
it is intended to have multiple meanings
but it's not intended to be depress/ing

hey
what kind of poet am i anyway
maybe
maybe i'm not exactly a poet

i love you a bunch you know

above the tree line

the sky
glows
neon
the caribou
wear parkas
pocketing an oosik for luck

counting coup
against your collar bone
like the cards foretold

dance with me
and talk about love
for even here there is pizza pie
beer
and talk of space junk
amalgam eiffel tower trinkets
and
i know you
you get thinner every day

silent gastropod
slips me the foot

snowshoe rabbits
stare
noses twitching
with lop-eared longing looks
i plumb my pockets
for carrot

finding only rupees, rubles
rumpelstilzchen, rumpelstilzchen, rumpelstilzchen


brother can you spare a dime

i love you

more later

i love you

omg

what just happened

oh, yeah, and if you feel like a drink

that wine
the one i was talking about
it was represented to me as a tempranillo
but
really
it's a garnacha syrah blend

it's

etim seleccion 2006

http://www.canadianwineguy.com/2009/09/19/etim-seleccion-2006-do-montsant/

if you can't find that

garnacha de fuego  won't steer you wrong either

http://winefornormalpeople.blogspot.com/2011/07/garnacha-de-fuego-still-en-fuego.html


i love you

it got away from me today

there are a bunch of details
i feel the need to edit
so i hope this makes some kind of sense

now
there is a lot of crappy blah blah in my day to day
but mostly
it rolls off
in a way that it didn't when i was younger

but
today
something, i wanna say, bad happened
and
i just kinda shrugged it off
i just felt:
i knew she was lying when i talked to her the other day
and i was right
i absolutely can read people
i am not crazy

but then i thought:
maybe i am
because
all i really care about
is you
and
this whole future i have imagined with you

but
i see a whole bunch of looming
and
i'm having technical difficulties

and

it just got away from me

i had dark dark thoughts
i got a little hopeless

all those years that i thought i couldn't really love
was too broken to love
what if i was right
you see where these thoughts were taking me, right
i don't need to dignify them by saying, right

oh yeah
and besides that
old, blah blah, barren, blah blah
wasted time, wasted life, die alone

so
i cooked some food
onion, yellow bell pepper, tomato, shrimp
and i ate

then
i felt you
grabbing me
shaking me a little
a little differently than usual
not like it feels when you read something i've written
not like it feels when you've just created something
not like when you're thinking about me really hard
not like when you frantically need me to know something
those all have distinctly different physical sensations

this was
some of it
slightly nauseating
like you were trying to
turn me inside out
or purge something from me
maybe about 1am where you are

hell,
maybe i imagine all of this
but it seems like you can tell, sometimes
what's going on with me
and, if you did something, it helped

i love you
you love me
it's gonna be okay

today i acquired a new nickname

i'd like to write you something beautiful
something that would touch you deeply
but i don't think
my brain is up to that
allergy or whatever
forced me to visine and dayquil
seriously
i'm impaired

doesn't mean i don't want you
doesn't mean i don't long for you
just means
can't talk pretty
somedays

today, however
today i got a new nickname
and
i don't know how i feel about it:

pepper

that's the new nickname

at first i was all like:
huh
but then he explained it
and
i kinda wonder no one ever thought of that before

i have a bias against the name i must admit
because it was the name of one of the fake whores
and i was pretty young
so she made an impression

if people give me nicknames, generally
they want to call me that really common one
which i super hate

so now
rather than a hooker name
i think it's actually making fun of me
for being too perky
if you can imagine

it's a very strange world

i love you very much

tempranillo

i'm sitting here drinking hey mambo wine
and, it's ok
i'm trying it out
but i don't really like it, too acid

what i wish i were drinking right now
is this tempranillo i tasted the other day
i thought it was made by elim but now i think
that may not be right
it may be from the elim region of spain
because
surely it'd be google-able otherwise

are we better
stronger
do you think
for the fact that we've taken longer to get together
than most marriages last in toto

i know it was about a year ago
that i was telling you how lucky i feel
for getting to develop the sweet and pure romantic love
over time with you in a way that shouldn't really be possible

now it's a year later
and it feels so much more
i don't want to say mature, exactly
but it's developed, for me anyway, where i feel like
we're together
it's confusing and weird
maybe i'm not representing it well

anyway
i tasted this wine
and i thought you would like it
although, strangely, i have no idea what you like in a wine

tempranillo
is made from the very first grapes harvested
the little early ones
although, of course they aren't necessarily little
that's just a diminutive
they are luscious black grapes
full of body and spice and this stuff i'm wanting to drink with you
after it breathes a little
it's sublime, truly

and
i feel like
you love me more
than you did a year ago
maybe that's wrong, maybe you just love me
and there's no more or less to equate

i started to write this last night, then i thought maybe it was lame so i didn't, but it's still on my mind today so....

holidays

as i've said before
i hadn't been celebrating them
but
ya know
out of respect for the puppyfish
i've been trying to work my way through

and, to be honest
yom kippur didn't really work for me
maybe i didn't do it right
but
i feel like i've just spent the last five years
doing that
pretty much not stop

and really
i've always kinda
considered my ethical and spiritual
pretty much ongoing

also
sukkot
if one lives as much of the time as possible outside
seems like it wouldn't translate well
it seems like some sort of
camping in the desert
or wilderness skill learning adventure
would connect better
to the big picture

but
i've been thinking about halloween
and
i don't think i'd have the heart
to cut it out


but i had this dream last night

i was in an old wooden ship like circa 1800s
and someone [not you]
was draggin me out to swim in shark infested waters
i wouldn't swim, but he dragged me
out from the ship
back to the bow
where pope john paul 2 was at the helm
with a cardboard cutout of his head
all regaled in spikey golden saint halo
sitting on the ground across from him
where he could look at it
and then finally back in the ship

and
as i climbed back down
below the waterline
i could see the big black sharks
that had been swimming where i had just been
eight or ten of them
and i felt slightly sick
but i was ok


what does this mean

is it just some sort of message about religion
or is there something else to it

i know, as i woke up, i was having a happy dream
but the freaky pope and shark dream is all i remember
i've never dreamed about the pope before
and i notice it wasn't even the current pope

just thinking about you

someday

i want to spend a month or so

living in a cabin

somewhere wild

with you

i got a place in mind

maybe

even in the winter

and

i know you said you'd gain weight

but maybe not

i picture

a fire

the way the light and shadow

licks your face

and

my mind goes straight to hop on pop

forward, cowgirl

maybe

we can see how long we can go

without actually talking

it's never been our primary form of communication anyway

i'm developing this fantasy

where i write to you

everything

is that crazy

i'm not saying all of life that way

just a month or so

would you want to read it as we go

or would you

want to wait

how would that change the experience

i'm excited by the idea of you

small talk free

not soundless

not even wordless, exactly

i've never thought about doing that before

but with you

yes

like the crack of thunder overhead

it was a nice little record shop as far as that went
new and used
but of course
it isn't strictly speaking a record shop, is it
whatever
the place sold music
had paintings on the wall
it was
in what was unremittingly a downtown area
but somehow
also
in the middle of nowhere
it was awkward
just as it was inviting

she was early
again

she wandered around
more pretending than actually looking

she felt
she looked good
she felt
sure of herself and her situation
she felt
excited

then
there he was
his pants cinched up like a hobo
she wanted to feed him, she realized, omg
then
he turned his big brown eyes on her
muttered some words about being surprised to see her
that didn't match his happy puppy body language
and
all that maternal stuff
spun out and hit a wall

then
he turned away and looked at records
ok
he gave her the distinct impression
that it was difficult to be near her
like staring at the sun
or something

so she wandered around some more
she could feel the electricity arching through the space
it had been a while
she wasn't in a big hurry
she was sure
sure of him

he was asking the counter man a question
he got up and left the front of the store

they were alone

they were alone

they were alone

they walked toward each other

he looked like he was going to say something

she would kiss him now
now goddamn it
that's what's supposed to happen now
the feel of his lips
his tongue
the possibly ungraceful but fevered quest for how their bodies would arrange themselves in space
but the counter man had said to follow him
if they started to kiss
it was not only rude
they would certainly be caught in the act

unless it was really fast

but it was too late

her body was doing something she hadn't authorized:
she placed her hand on his shoulder, you're supposed to follow him

and he closed his mouth
he wasn't going to say whatever it was
he looked at her
with a look she couldn't read

she had a lot of time to think about the look later

maybe there was a little betrayal
a large dose of uncertainty
and
a definite saved-by-the-bell

what the fuck was that about
she railed against herself, standing alone in the middle of the record store
whose side are you on, anyway

and
for the first time
the first time since she planned to meet him
she wasn't sure of him
it could still bounce back
she could go out behind the shop
and he could come around to smoke
they could kiss behind the dumpster
desperate indie film anti-heroes
in the great barren wasteland of bohunk

but suddenly
she lost it
and she started to cry

she wasn't young
she wasn't thin
she hadn't understood him
or he her
she had been deluding herself
and now
now
now she had shut him down, hadn't she
and

and he wasn't bouncing back either

was he

i found this in a journal from 2002

once--
maybe a long time ago,
or maybe years from now,
maybe twice--
well, maybe lots of times
like when the sun rises and sets,
there was a little girl.
well,
she looked like a little girl,
but really she was an amazing swirl
of stardust and raindrops and budding flowers,
and haikus,
and monkey giggles,
but when people looked at her
all they saw was a little girl.
now a little girl
is a fine thing to be, but
when it reflects back out of people's eyes
it loses something
in translation.

i was thinking about you, about us, and how we've moved through time

when i first connected with you
maybe
maybe i was assuming a lot
i had this knowing that
i don't know
we had this thing, ya know

but i still wonder
was i just
kinda pushing
were you just intrigued

not that there'd be anything wrong with that, as such

but
you realize
i had this strong conviction that just pushed me
and maybe
maybe it was all fabricated

this fascinates me

how much of all this is just pure manifestation
how much imagination

how different i feel now
how different you seem

and i mean, sure, it's been years
and our worlds have changed a bunch individually
but
i think
for myself
i can honestly say
that i've changed with you
or for you or because of you or whatever, but

i was thinking

they say, whoever they are

that you should do something 

something that you love, because

it is only by doing that something that you

will ever be successful in life, and it's funny because

there's never been anything that i really cared about that much

until there was you, you are such a game changer for me, really, you know

and i wonder, still

if i'm screwing up

all the ways i could be

maybe i should understand

something about you better, and then

i'd know which of the truths was true true

maybe i can't know-- tubs of ice and all that

but i still need what i need and i need you

that's not negotiable, so if that makes

me bad then i'm gonna just have to be bad, ya know

i was thinking

how is it possible that i am so naive and yet

so guarded, so open and yet so isolated

how can another person be

the one thing in life

i have true passion for

how can that be

and one way or another

truer words

baby

truer words

food

so
after i told you my food schedule
my regular food schedule
it had to change

i went to the store
2 different stores, in fact
and all the avocados were rock hard
[i won't buy rock hard avocados
i've had bad luck with them
refusing to ripen properly]
and these were $1 each
so i was extra suspicious
cause they been running over $2

so i had to go to food plan b
which i didn't have, exactly
i was going to buy papaya to have with avocado
i'm trying to up my vitamin a
because i need new glasses
and i am not getting bifocals
even though
i'm kinda afraid i need em
and i'm only getting maybe 500% rda now
but
no papaya either

i was kinda angry at the grocery
you're glad you weren't there
i was seething a little
oh, because also
i had convinced myself to get some good belly
which has been recommended to me by several sources
but it's a lab created strain of bacteria
and it's dairy
and then i couldn't get avocados
so i needed lunch food
and they didn't have good belly either


so i just got old fashioned yogurt
well, nonfat
and prayed it wasn't going to cause joint pain
i got frozen blueberries to go in it
cause i needed orac scale

so far it's ok

i do think it's kinda funny
i've been eating all these cantaloupes
and
at first
i didn't realize
they were making people sick
i just realized they were cheap, and i needed a bunch of fruit
then
i figured i knew where they came from
and it wasn't colorado
but now, it turns out
they didn't come from where i thought they did
so
who knows
i may have been exposed
but i seem fine to me

also funny
my clothes are all loose
well, looser
[they were mostly already loose]
and
i can see changes to my body
since i started upping my fruit substantially
but
i haven't lost any weight at all


i guess 15-20 servings of fruits and vegetables will have a positive impact
and i'm not seeming to need as much protein
although
i'm not really sure how much i'm getting
but i'm stronger i think
can lift heavy objects
and maybe my muscles are getting a little more defined
so maybe
i'm converting some fat to muscle

don't know

trying to really look at myself
naked
still not happy with what i look like
but
very happy with the changes
as i notice them

things i saw today when i closed my eyes

i was doing this meditation thing i do
which sometimes
gives amazing results
but sometimes
yields nothing what-so-ever

and
for a while now
hasn't

but
today
and i did it several times
was so
beautiful

i saw
pulsing daisies
like blind jellyfish
bellowing out, contracting in
with some hidden undulating energy

i saw
the arc de triomphe
rising from the street
careening around
all teacups and tilt-a-whirl

i saw
my pregnant belly
and it wasn't that huge, i'm long-waisted
i used to see this all the time when i'd meditate on you, on us
but for quite some time now
i either didn't see it
or i didn't really see it, i'd just remember what it looked like when i had
but i saw it today
and you touching the bump
then
the skin ruffled back
peeling away
a georgia o'keefe flower
and a blinding light spilled out
like the baby was the sun

and this song was playing
a song i don't know
in a mesmerizing
sing-song
french
i saw a field
of grass-could-not-be-greener green, far as the eye could see
and a blanket, picnic
with a man and a woman and two small children
clamouring happily
a big jumble
laughing
so happy
alive
and maybe the camera pulled back
or maybe the blanket soared across the green
until they were hard to see

the music stopped


it made me really happy


i don't know
maybe
i should imagine us, just us
maybe
it's wrong for our spawn to be so
central to the vision or fantasy or whatever
but
i can't help it
and i don't know
if that's supposed to be predictive or what
because i don't consciously believe that two is gonna happen
but i clearly
saw
two

boring stuff

remember when i ordered those supplement powders
well
i still have most of the earth and vitamin c powders
so
i guess they are not so great as i thought
but
i opened a new bottle today
of macaforce
i have it in my breakfast smoothie every day
cantaloupe + banana + almond milk + macaforce
it's excellent
i have an apple for a snack
and usually an avocado and something for lunch
that's pretty consistent from day to day

sometimes
i have whole grain toast with peanut butter
for
one or the other of those meals
and a few times
i've had something different
but
mostly the same things
and
i seem to like that
and
i'm getting a pretty high nutrient load

i'm finding that i'm craving pancakes
and chips and salsa
and pizza
and generally
things from the more refined carb category
and i went through this a little while ago
they make me feel bad
but i still want them

i figure
i must need something
that i'm not getting
hence the cravings, but it can't really be carbs
so
my theory is
too much fruit makes my body slightly uncomfortable
and it craves the more junky foods to mitigate those symptoms
but then those make me feel sick
gummed up and heavy

so what i need to do is
figure out how to eat something nutrient dense
that will mitigate the fruit, because it's the swinging out of whack
that makes me swing the other direction, blah blah blah, whatever

you take care of yourself
get enough sleep and stuff
very important for your health
i love you
and i want you to be healthy
be careful
stay hydrated

you
burn bright for me, my darling
through any distance
a star
in
the night sky

dreams and feelings the last few days

so last night i dreamed and dreamed

it was quite involved
i had to do some sort of training
so i spent my time
preparing
what i would wear
body language
projecting confidence
but
then
it turned out
there was no lesson plan
i was just supposed to use my experience

great
i so would have used the time
to plan out
what
to say

and there were so many forms of running water

because
in reality
it rained all night


and the last few days
i keep thinking i can feel you
maybe you're happy
maybe you're creating things
maybe you're thinking about me

i don't know
and
i vacillate
sometimes
i think you're unhappy
or maybe i upset you somehow
[hopefully not]

but i think i'm just projecting
i feel a little volatile


and i asked for a sign

it rained all day

and
i was outside with a friend of mine
it wasn't raining very hard
we went in
and another girl asked
how come you got wet [to my friend]
and [my name here] didn't get wet
i got wet, i said
i just look wetter because my hair got all greasy from the rain
[insert some conversation about frequency of hair washing]
i don't wash my hair every day, i say, not nearly
how often do you wash it
about once a week
[disgusted looks of disbelief]
how do you get away with that
i have dry hair
what day are you on
six
do you wet it every day
well, it gets wet in the shower, a little but i'm trying not to
and then what?
you just scrunch it a little and it looks like that

yes

i don't like you very much anymore



so
i don't know
i guess i still have good hair


i love you

friday

i don't remember
exactly what they were about
something about lovers and files, somehow
and this morning i am obsessed with the idea that, somehow
you will find what i wrote last night discouraging and sad, which
it wasn't intended to be

and
even though
i don't remember the dream clearly at all
i remember
the color
it was
a pewter colored dream

pewter
of the candlesticks i bought
to celebrate shabbat
with you

surely
that's a happy sign

surely
i worry too much

may you be inscribed. and all that
but, really
you're grown around my soul
a strong black vine

and becky thatcher
dances in the okemah moonlight
watch her twirl boys watch her twirl
in the inky darkness
like the tips of her pigtails

oh tom, why

i haven't written you in so long, i hope you know i still love you

you know
it's really weird
i used to remember my dreams
but, lately
even when sometimes i know i've had them
sometimes even tell myself i've got to remember them
by the time i'm awake
they're gone

the only one
that i can remember
i don't really want to remember

at least
not some of it

i came to see you
you were some fancy financier or something
with a big regency office and assistants and stuff

anyway
i finally got in to see you
and you did exactly like i have always wanted you to do
you looked deeply into my eyes and told me that you love me

but
then just when my heart started to go pitty-pat
you did the thing i fear the most

you said the thing i thought you said that time before
but then maybe didn't really mean to say that time
you thought i was in the room with you
and i had orchids in my hair

and
i love you so much
and it feels so different now
it's hard to explain
like
i've imagined you into every cell of my body
like
even though
i never see you
i never talk to you
i never am quite sure
you aren't really a figment of my imagination

you're with me
always
everywhere
the one
to whom i narrate the story that runs continually forever in my head

the one
i always knew was there, somewhere
i can remember knowing you were there
when i was eight years old
too young to associate any romantic allusions to you
you were just the other part of me
the twin i was supposed to have, but didn't

and you were what
twice my age
and living
a world
away

did you even know i was there, i wonder

when
did i begin to exist for you

and
how


and
as corny as it might sound
i've started thanking god for you, every day
even with the curse
even if the dream is true

it makes no sense not one bit not at all
but
i feel right somehow
because
i know
it's
you

i busted out the adya clarity

i've been feeling like i might be getting sick
i've been around a lot of sick people
and i thought it was all done
and i was through it
but maybe not

i'm out of emergen-c, and anyway i switched
to the natural vitamin c powder
and i've been on this fruit thing
but the fruit has drawbacks
so i've had some wheat
which maybe now has
drawbacks too

i
don't claim
to have all the answers

but
last year in december
i got really sick and i needed, something
and adya clarity is what i had
and it seemed to help

so
black mica
do your re mineral goodness
and i haven't been eating anything
for about 6 hours after i get up
just to kinda extend the fast before breaking it


i just got a mental image
a whole wall stacked with firewood


not sure what that means

i need to go to sleep
i have to get up
really early

love
me

i've had a headache all day and i'm not sure why i'm still awake

i think i might be getting sick
or my neck might be slightly out
or
maybe the bread [seeduction]
and pasta
i've had recently are no longer ok for me
maybe i'm celiac and just don't know it
but
i feel weird, physically

i hope
everything is good with you
healthy
and
happy

i hope
everything you've ever dreamed of wanting
all comes true for you

think healing energy my direction, pretty please pumpkin
i don't want to get sick

you created something just a few hours ago, i could feel it

it was strong
so either
i've started having seizures
or
eating pasta with puttanesca sauce makes me come
or
you made something

it's talking

the other day
before i left the house
i asked for some sign that would make
everything make sense

i specified, of course, that i wanted no car signs
what i wanted was something from the natural world


i was going to meet a friend for dinner
i was going early to avoid, as much as possible, traffic

i saw that borders was in it's final days sale
and i've looked at some books at that specific location before
i thought i'd see if any of the jewish books i'd liked were still there, for cheap
this is all background, really

i went in
went upstairs
the entire jewish section
wiped clean of books, entirely
i stopped to look on the re shelving cart
and
right there
on top
is a deck of medicine cards


now
i'm pretty sure
i once had a deck of medicine cards
but they've never surfaced in the last ten years
so they've gone somewhere
and
my mom keeps telling me she has a deck she'll give me
but
she never does
and i just keep not buying another one, but
i want it

so i check the deck
and it's all there and everything

and
it's gotta be a sign
that place looked like locus hit it
and that was just right out there


and
of the natural world, ok, maybe a stretch, but it depends, maybe not
but
how does that make everything clear


it could mean:
everything will come to me when it's supposed to, effortlessly

it could mean:
i'm not really ever gonna be jewish
i can use a more or less jewish framework of metaphor
but i'm really something way less structured by nature


it could mean:
it's talking to me
it loves me
wants me to be happy, give me gifts
but it can in no way make everything clear
[what am i thinking even asking for shit like that]

i did a reading
and it said, basically:
you don't need to know anything, clearly
making sense is not something for you to focus on
you need to learn what you know
salmon, bear
moose, buffalo
you want everything to not only make sense
you want it to be poetry
alligator
and
what you keep bucking against
coyote
you don't actually need the answers
and even when you thought you were slightly separated from me
it's like you should compare that to what normal people have
just for perspective
trust me more
swan


the woman who cut my hair
we were talking
she got a tarot reading from an old jewish man
she was specific about it
apparently that is an odd juxtaposition, not sure why
he told her if she moved back she would die
and
she had all these problems with her son
and she had tried to kill herself
so she hadn't really just moved back
what she had done was just get back up and running

and
she said
that it was really amazing
because
she had prayed
like the night before and just that day
for her old customers to come back
because she lost them when she moved away

and then

i just called

out of the blue

i love you

happy thoughts, love you

it's like i can feel you thinking about me

it's got

like

a happy bounce to it

does that make any sense

don't know

hopefully, that means everything is going really great for you there

take good care of yourself

i started to say

take good care of yourself, pumpkin

i like pumpkin as a general endearment, it's goofy

not any goofier than ma petite chou chou [for example]

but then

my little chew toy popped into my head

which is kinda dirty

so

you pick

folksy or kinky

i go both ways