a bunch of random stuff

i had a new wine i like today:

http://www.vinodelsol.com/pos/salessheets/VerumSalesSheet.pdf

i didn't know robert parker liked it before hand
i don't tend to like chardonnay that much
so i try them whenever i get a chance
to find some that i like
this one is not at all oak-y
it's very fruit-y
but complex
with, i guess they call it, mineral notes
patagonia
and the label are what caught my attention

if you get a chance
give it a try
i think you'll like it


i was thinking about you
about the evolution of your feelings for me
which i think i can see more clearly now
i'm not sure why
maybe
maybe my perceptions
were so tied to my own emotions
that i couldn't separate them
now that i can look back
i see things i couldn't see before

i mean
some of the things i knew
but didn't know
it's very confusing to explain

i still don't know
when it starts, your stuff
and that used to be really important to me
but i've let it go
because if i find out that it's something different
then it spoils some of my story

and
anyway
i know you were way less into me than i was with you at the start

the weird thing is
i had all these intense experiences at the very very start
when i was constantly hopped up on dope
and they were awesome 
you sang me this song in my head called pecking order
[a very silly song]
and you told me that
[you understand i mean telepathically, right
directly into my head]
you didn't know how this was going to work
please make it work

i miss you being in my head
more even than i miss being stoned out of my mind
but, i don't even feel like that person anymore
and you've mellowed
when i first met you, and for quite a while after
there was a kinda scary anger in you
i guess it's still there
and maybe you've seen me react to it
but it doesn't scare me so much as it did

i don't assume i bear the full responsibility for it
i don't assume you want to hurt me

i don't want to hurt you either
i don't want to make you love me more by being a mean girl
or aloof or any sort of trickery
i don't want to change you into some pre-set ideal i got cooked up in my head

as part of trying to make it work
i had offered a panoply of options
and it seemed like you wanted to keep them all open
which, i totally get, actually

but i feel like there have been a bunch of changes along the way
that have corresponded to my saying no in one way or another
and that,  first of all, alarms me
i'm not trying to rock the boat by bringing this up
there's a give and take that is natural, and boundaries, and such

i just want to make sure of a couple of things
and then also clarify something else

this is an illustration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLfZ2tmM3vY
i like this chick, would have subscribed to her show, except
she offended me
first she says jews aren't sexist
then she illustrates the opposite
with that whole yes-dear-stuff
i can't/won't/don't want/am offended by that model

sometimes i think you have never believed me when i say that kinda stuff

i'm not gonna feminine wiles you
or dominate you
[you know what i mean]
if you want that
if you need that
there are others more suited

generally
if i tell you what i need
[and generally i will]
i am trying to tell you something important about me
i'm not going to demand that you do it
but i will probably feel like you don't care what i need
if you don't respond
if you can't do something then you can't
if you don't want to then you don't want to
if you need to negotiate
that's all good
the goal would be:
everyone gets all their needs met
then wants, desires, and fantasies can be arranged

i have been trying to meet your needs
to the best of my ability and perceptions
i have not been sure what they are for most of the time

and, the thing is
i believe in you
and i don't mean to tell you what i need
only to play keep away
and not allow you to give me what i need
i need you to understand
that i'm not doing that
have not done that
have no plans to do that in the future

so
if i don't do something
you want me to do
especially if you know i want that too
if i am not
somewhere you know we both want me to be

know 
with the certainty of our souls
that it's not some wicked caprice

i want you
i want to hold you
i want to rub your back when it hurts
i want to give you chicken soup [or equivalent] when you're sick
i want to comfort you when you feel bad or scared or sad
i want to hold you from a distance when you need to process
i want you to be the first thing i see in the morning
the last thing at night
i want you to be
my lover
my friend
my family
for real