the other day
before i left the house
i asked for some sign that would make
everything make sense
i specified, of course, that i wanted no car signs
what i wanted was something from the natural world
i was going to meet a friend for dinner
i was going early to avoid, as much as possible, traffic
i saw that borders was in it's final days sale
and i've looked at some books at that specific location before
i thought i'd see if any of the jewish books i'd liked were still there, for cheap
this is all background, really
i went in
went upstairs
the entire jewish section
wiped clean of books, entirely
i stopped to look on the re shelving cart
and
right there
on top
is a deck of medicine cards
now
i'm pretty sure
i once had a deck of medicine cards
but they've never surfaced in the last ten years
so they've gone somewhere
and
my mom keeps telling me she has a deck she'll give me
but
she never does
and i just keep not buying another one, but
i want it
so i check the deck
and it's all there and everything
and
it's gotta be a sign
that place looked like locus hit it
and that was just right out there
and
of the natural world, ok, maybe a stretch, but it depends, maybe not
but
how does that make everything clear
it could mean:
everything will come to me when it's supposed to, effortlessly
it could mean:
i'm not really ever gonna be jewish
i can use a more or less jewish framework of metaphor
but i'm really something way less structured by nature
it could mean:
it's talking to me
it loves me
wants me to be happy, give me gifts
but it can in no way make everything clear
[what am i thinking even asking for shit like that]
i did a reading
and it said, basically:
you don't need to know anything, clearly
making sense is not something for you to focus on
you need to learn what you know
salmon, bear
moose, buffalo
you want everything to not only make sense
you want it to be poetry
alligator
and
what you keep bucking against
coyote
you don't actually need the answers
and even when you thought you were slightly separated from me
it's like you should compare that to what normal people have
just for perspective
trust me more
swan
the woman who cut my hair
we were talking
she got a tarot reading from an old jewish man
she was specific about it
apparently that is an odd juxtaposition, not sure why
he told her if she moved back she would die
and
she had all these problems with her son
and she had tried to kill herself
so she hadn't really just moved back
what she had done was just get back up and running
and
she said
that it was really amazing
because
she had prayed
like the night before and just that day
for her old customers to come back
because she lost them when she moved away
and then
i just called
out of the blue
