i haven't written you in so long, i hope you know i still love you

you know
it's really weird
i used to remember my dreams
but, lately
even when sometimes i know i've had them
sometimes even tell myself i've got to remember them
by the time i'm awake
they're gone

the only one
that i can remember
i don't really want to remember

at least
not some of it

i came to see you
you were some fancy financier or something
with a big regency office and assistants and stuff

anyway
i finally got in to see you
and you did exactly like i have always wanted you to do
you looked deeply into my eyes and told me that you love me

but
then just when my heart started to go pitty-pat
you did the thing i fear the most

you said the thing i thought you said that time before
but then maybe didn't really mean to say that time
you thought i was in the room with you
and i had orchids in my hair

and
i love you so much
and it feels so different now
it's hard to explain
like
i've imagined you into every cell of my body
like
even though
i never see you
i never talk to you
i never am quite sure
you aren't really a figment of my imagination

you're with me
always
everywhere
the one
to whom i narrate the story that runs continually forever in my head

the one
i always knew was there, somewhere
i can remember knowing you were there
when i was eight years old
too young to associate any romantic allusions to you
you were just the other part of me
the twin i was supposed to have, but didn't

and you were what
twice my age
and living
a world
away

did you even know i was there, i wonder

when
did i begin to exist for you

and
how


and
as corny as it might sound
i've started thanking god for you, every day
even with the curse
even if the dream is true

it makes no sense not one bit not at all
but
i feel right somehow
because
i know
it's
you