it got away from me today

there are a bunch of details
i feel the need to edit
so i hope this makes some kind of sense

now
there is a lot of crappy blah blah in my day to day
but mostly
it rolls off
in a way that it didn't when i was younger

but
today
something, i wanna say, bad happened
and
i just kinda shrugged it off
i just felt:
i knew she was lying when i talked to her the other day
and i was right
i absolutely can read people
i am not crazy

but then i thought:
maybe i am
because
all i really care about
is you
and
this whole future i have imagined with you

but
i see a whole bunch of looming
and
i'm having technical difficulties

and

it just got away from me

i had dark dark thoughts
i got a little hopeless

all those years that i thought i couldn't really love
was too broken to love
what if i was right
you see where these thoughts were taking me, right
i don't need to dignify them by saying, right

oh yeah
and besides that
old, blah blah, barren, blah blah
wasted time, wasted life, die alone

so
i cooked some food
onion, yellow bell pepper, tomato, shrimp
and i ate

then
i felt you
grabbing me
shaking me a little
a little differently than usual
not like it feels when you read something i've written
not like it feels when you've just created something
not like when you're thinking about me really hard
not like when you frantically need me to know something
those all have distinctly different physical sensations

this was
some of it
slightly nauseating
like you were trying to
turn me inside out
or purge something from me
maybe about 1am where you are

hell,
maybe i imagine all of this
but it seems like you can tell, sometimes
what's going on with me
and, if you did something, it helped

i love you
you love me
it's gonna be okay