i'm not exactly sure about the sequence
or whether that's important
it didn't hang together like a story
like they sometimes do
somebody was living in a school bus
with all the seats stripped out
but it was like double decker
or something
it had a fireplace
it was awesome
i'm not sure how that connects to anything else
i was living in these kind of attached home apartments
with communal green space
there were vegetable plants
planted too low
their depressions filled with water
but
too
there were some raised mounds
and i said (to you? maybe):
we could plant squash there
squash likes raised beds
and squash blossom is beautiful
and there was something about
our outdoor table and chairs
and mildly irritating neighbors
i was in college
and i had this english class
i didn't want to read the books
it was the end of term
it was snowing
everyone was headed out of town
i was headed somewhere
you
you were supposed to be somewhere
we talked briefly by phone
we each decided
we'd just be late
to wherever we were supposed to be
so we could spend a little while together
we met in a little coffee shop
i really liked this part of the dream
it was so simple and real
just a few stolen moments
in the warmth
watching people hurry through slushy streets
big picture window
on a small college town
i'm missing seventh period
oh, wow, my english final
whatever
i just skipped it
happily
there with you
then i was at some sort of trunk show
and i'm trying to sell purses
but then i'm categorizing light fixtures
by wattage
and cord length
and then
i'm wearing some sort of folk costume
it has a red wine shiny skirt
that sort of bells outward
thick like a shantung
but smooth
like a satin
and the top
is embroidered with flowers
black flowers
but then
suddenly
i think it's on backwards
and i turn the top around
and the flowers are green
and i'm wearing a dress
and i look good
and then my purses are selling
two years later
the colors i chose
are finally
no longer too avant
i feel like there was more
but i can't remember
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
apology
the next story
may the circle be unbroken
probably sucks
i tried all these different ways
to come at it
and
i didn't like
the "clever" ways
because
they weren't all that clever
so
i decided
to just go right at it
but
i think
it still
kinda sucks
but
it didn't totally suck
and
it's been
forever
so
i felt like i had to
just
have something
and
actually
it's just the ending
that i think sucks
it probably
needs
to be
a
film
may the circle be unbroken
probably sucks
i tried all these different ways
to come at it
and
i didn't like
the "clever" ways
because
they weren't all that clever
so
i decided
to just go right at it
but
i think
it still
kinda sucks
but
it didn't totally suck
and
it's been
forever
so
i felt like i had to
just
have something
and
actually
it's just the ending
that i think sucks
it probably
needs
to be
a
film
May the Circle be Unbroken
I've been wanting to tell ever since what could be called the first date-- though perhaps it wasn't really a date at all and, regardless, not a successful one-- but every time I try the events become jumbled and I don't know how to proceed. Do you know how some things you remember just like they happened yesterday? This is not one of those sorts of things. The truth is I remember it-- but maybe it isn't even true. Maybe what I remember is the memory of memories worried out like trouble dolls again and again, and now I'm trying to describe where everyone sat at the tea party. Where and how to start, yes. But not just that. When I was studying French there was a tense, that totally baffled me (pluperfect or something), that was used for things that happened recurrently; the problem was that it wasn't things that happened recurrently to me, but rather, things that were supposed to happen recurrently according to the rules, which seemed random. Something like that, anyway, irregular. I guess that's what I'm looking for. The layers of use and reuse of memory haven't distorted it in a tape-of-a-tape-of-a-tape-sort-of-way-- it's really more like the conjugation of an irregular verb. What I don't want to do is exactly what I find myself doing. Then I get angry. Think I'm boring. Never tell the story.
So. Big deal. Who cares about some stinky old story, anyway?
Well, actually I do. I care about it a lot. I think it is essential, somehow.
How can it be when you don't even believe it? Tell me that .
I may not totally believe it, but I believe in it. Understand?
Like people believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy?
No. Not like that at all. Like you believe the fairies are controlling the car when your father drives you around at night in the darkly wooded neighborhoods where rich people live because he takes his hands off the wheel and the car still goes.
He said the fairies are controlling the car.
Yes. And when all the trees have been cut down you will imagine them in the stylized linkin log lettering of the dive bar near where they used to be and wonder if the fairies died out like the fireflies they probably always were or if they moved on to happier hunting grounds, but you'll never actually go in to the dive bar, and then, when that's gone too...
Like when they cut down the tree in the yard and then I stood on the stump and could still feel the tree, but when they dug it out and planted flowers I couldn't feel the tree anymore?
Yes. Kind of like that. But with a lot more pretending.
Do you pretend a lot?
Yes. I think I do.
Are you pretending now?
I'm not sure. Would you play a game with me now?
What kind of game?
Would you take me on a tour? Nothing fancy. Just up to the park.
Sure. Here is the house where I live. It's my gran-gran and paw-paw's house. My daddy lived here when he was a kid too. He says they were the first house on the block to have a TV. Isn't that funny? This big pot here, this plant is called wandering jew.
That's why you like purple so much, isn't it?
My favorite color is red, not purple!
Sorry. I should have kept that to myself. I guess. Please continue.
This is called monkey grass. My paw-paw has a green thumb. So we have fancy grass. That's a crepe myrtle. That's a mimosa tree. The lady who lives across the street has lived there since my daddy was small and her name is Frances. Frances can be a girl-name or a boy-name and you say it the same, but you spell it different.
Can you spell?
No. But I know my a,b,c's. Want to hear?
Not right now. Maybe later. Right now I want to go to the park, but after, if you want we can go to the U-Totem and get a frostie root beer or a delaware punch. Those are your favorites, right?
Or coke. I like coke too. My gran-gran says coke used to be medicine or something and even though it doesn't have all the stuff that made it a medicine, because that stuff's illegal now, it's still kind of a medicine and good to drink if you have a tummy ache. If we go to the U-Totem can I go barefooted?
Of course. Is there any other way?
I like the way, the regular street is hot, it burns your feet and you have to hop, but there's this big bumpy stripe in the street it's all white and cool and you can walk right on it. That's my favorite part.
Can we take the alley to the park?
There aren't any mudpuddles to stomp.
I know.
That's not the way I go.
I know, but I was just thinking how I never see alleys anymore.
Do you know they used to deliver milk in bottles and leave them in that alley?
When did they stop doing that?
I don't know. My gran-gran just told me they used to. Maybe they did when I was little. I don't remember it though.
So can we go down the alley?
No. It has the best mudpuddles if I'm walking with my daddy, but I only walk in the alley when I'm with my daddy.
Well, that's probably safer. People might back their cars out without looking where they're going. But, this has been concerning me: do they really let you walk up to the park by yourself?
Yes.
I would not let you walk up to the park by yourself if you were my kid. How old are you?
I'm four years old. I'm not your kid. Why not?
I don't think it's safe. I think about the things that could happen to you.
One time I stepped in an ant bed and I didn't know I was in an ant bed and they started crawling on me and biting me and there were millions of ants biting me and my daddy was there that time and he put me in a puddle and washed those ants off me. You mean like that?
That wasn't really what I meant, but yeah, ok, like that.
But I was a little kid then. I know about ant beds now.
Nevermind.
So this is the direction to go to get to the park. Watch where you're going, because, see, the sidewalk goes up and down. That's because the tree roots push the sidewalk up. It's really cool. It's my favorite part of the sidewalk. Now we're about to cross the street, it's not a busy street, but you still need to look both ways. This is my favorite tree. My daddy lifts me up there and I like to sit right there. See?
I see. Can you see very far from there?
Not too far. I can see farther from the top of the side. I used to climb up there, but then I was scared to slide down. It's really tall. My daddy would have to climb up and get me. One day he got me to slide down, but I slid wrong and I fell off half way down.
But he caught you, right?
Yeah, how did you know?
He might have mentioned it.
And there are the swings. And there's the hill. And over there is the clubhouse.
What's the hill good for?
You can kind of roll down it, or you can lie in the grass and look at the clouds. I like the hill.
It's the hill I'm particularly interested in.
Why?
I remember some sort of gathering up on the hill.
The one with the big tent?
Yes, that one.
It must have been some hippie thing because I recognized some of my aunt e.e.'s friends.
And do you remember what they were doing?
They held hands and they danced in a big circle.
Around the tent?
Yes.
So, on that much we agree.
Yes.
Do you remember anyone giving you a sugar cube?
Here she just walks over and lies in the grass. She ignores me.
I remember a sugar cube. But the way the person looked who gave me the sugar cube changes. Sometimes. When I replay the scene the tennis court, which was subsequently built, is there, but it contracts out of the way and reforms when people move. I don't know how to integrate this information. The sugar cube seems tied to the tennis court somehow. This makes me think it is a later addition. But it might not be that simple. I always resented the tennis court for ruining my hill. My other aunt was excited about the tennis court, wanted to play, might have even paid for lessons for me, but I wanted nothing to do with the big ugly paved thing that had destroyed my hill.
The tent was a regular white pavilion tent, the kind they use for outdoor weddings.
It was striped and huge. It was a circus big top.
The hippies wandered up and under the tent.
There wasn't any music.
There weren't any speeches.
The person who approached me was a woman, a man with long hair, a clown, filled, with no malice, no intent to harm, nothing but love, no reason to fear.
I lie in the grass and watch the hippies join hands and run and dance around and around in a circle dance. They shimmer in the sunlight. The circle undulates, expands, contracts, everything seems to be breathing. The big top is breathing. There isn't any sound at all.
It lasts forever.
Then.
It's over.
The hippies leave as suddenly as they arrived. They leave in twos and threes.
I get up.
I walk home.
So. Big deal. Who cares about some stinky old story, anyway?
Well, actually I do. I care about it a lot. I think it is essential, somehow.
How can it be when you don't even believe it? Tell me that .
I may not totally believe it, but I believe in it. Understand?
Like people believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy?
No. Not like that at all. Like you believe the fairies are controlling the car when your father drives you around at night in the darkly wooded neighborhoods where rich people live because he takes his hands off the wheel and the car still goes.
He said the fairies are controlling the car.
Yes. And when all the trees have been cut down you will imagine them in the stylized linkin log lettering of the dive bar near where they used to be and wonder if the fairies died out like the fireflies they probably always were or if they moved on to happier hunting grounds, but you'll never actually go in to the dive bar, and then, when that's gone too...
Like when they cut down the tree in the yard and then I stood on the stump and could still feel the tree, but when they dug it out and planted flowers I couldn't feel the tree anymore?
Yes. Kind of like that. But with a lot more pretending.
Do you pretend a lot?
Yes. I think I do.
Are you pretending now?
I'm not sure. Would you play a game with me now?
What kind of game?
Would you take me on a tour? Nothing fancy. Just up to the park.
Sure. Here is the house where I live. It's my gran-gran and paw-paw's house. My daddy lived here when he was a kid too. He says they were the first house on the block to have a TV. Isn't that funny? This big pot here, this plant is called wandering jew.
That's why you like purple so much, isn't it?
My favorite color is red, not purple!
Sorry. I should have kept that to myself. I guess. Please continue.
This is called monkey grass. My paw-paw has a green thumb. So we have fancy grass. That's a crepe myrtle. That's a mimosa tree. The lady who lives across the street has lived there since my daddy was small and her name is Frances. Frances can be a girl-name or a boy-name and you say it the same, but you spell it different.
Can you spell?
No. But I know my a,b,c's. Want to hear?
Not right now. Maybe later. Right now I want to go to the park, but after, if you want we can go to the U-Totem and get a frostie root beer or a delaware punch. Those are your favorites, right?
Or coke. I like coke too. My gran-gran says coke used to be medicine or something and even though it doesn't have all the stuff that made it a medicine, because that stuff's illegal now, it's still kind of a medicine and good to drink if you have a tummy ache. If we go to the U-Totem can I go barefooted?
Of course. Is there any other way?
I like the way, the regular street is hot, it burns your feet and you have to hop, but there's this big bumpy stripe in the street it's all white and cool and you can walk right on it. That's my favorite part.
Can we take the alley to the park?
There aren't any mudpuddles to stomp.
I know.
That's not the way I go.
I know, but I was just thinking how I never see alleys anymore.
Do you know they used to deliver milk in bottles and leave them in that alley?
When did they stop doing that?
I don't know. My gran-gran just told me they used to. Maybe they did when I was little. I don't remember it though.
So can we go down the alley?
No. It has the best mudpuddles if I'm walking with my daddy, but I only walk in the alley when I'm with my daddy.
Well, that's probably safer. People might back their cars out without looking where they're going. But, this has been concerning me: do they really let you walk up to the park by yourself?
Yes.
I would not let you walk up to the park by yourself if you were my kid. How old are you?
I'm four years old. I'm not your kid. Why not?
I don't think it's safe. I think about the things that could happen to you.
One time I stepped in an ant bed and I didn't know I was in an ant bed and they started crawling on me and biting me and there were millions of ants biting me and my daddy was there that time and he put me in a puddle and washed those ants off me. You mean like that?
That wasn't really what I meant, but yeah, ok, like that.
But I was a little kid then. I know about ant beds now.
Nevermind.
So this is the direction to go to get to the park. Watch where you're going, because, see, the sidewalk goes up and down. That's because the tree roots push the sidewalk up. It's really cool. It's my favorite part of the sidewalk. Now we're about to cross the street, it's not a busy street, but you still need to look both ways. This is my favorite tree. My daddy lifts me up there and I like to sit right there. See?
I see. Can you see very far from there?
Not too far. I can see farther from the top of the side. I used to climb up there, but then I was scared to slide down. It's really tall. My daddy would have to climb up and get me. One day he got me to slide down, but I slid wrong and I fell off half way down.
But he caught you, right?
Yeah, how did you know?
He might have mentioned it.
And there are the swings. And there's the hill. And over there is the clubhouse.
What's the hill good for?
You can kind of roll down it, or you can lie in the grass and look at the clouds. I like the hill.
It's the hill I'm particularly interested in.
Why?
I remember some sort of gathering up on the hill.
The one with the big tent?
Yes, that one.
It must have been some hippie thing because I recognized some of my aunt e.e.'s friends.
And do you remember what they were doing?
They held hands and they danced in a big circle.
Around the tent?
Yes.
So, on that much we agree.
Yes.
Do you remember anyone giving you a sugar cube?
Here she just walks over and lies in the grass. She ignores me.
I remember a sugar cube. But the way the person looked who gave me the sugar cube changes. Sometimes. When I replay the scene the tennis court, which was subsequently built, is there, but it contracts out of the way and reforms when people move. I don't know how to integrate this information. The sugar cube seems tied to the tennis court somehow. This makes me think it is a later addition. But it might not be that simple. I always resented the tennis court for ruining my hill. My other aunt was excited about the tennis court, wanted to play, might have even paid for lessons for me, but I wanted nothing to do with the big ugly paved thing that had destroyed my hill.
The tent was a regular white pavilion tent, the kind they use for outdoor weddings.
It was striped and huge. It was a circus big top.
The hippies wandered up and under the tent.
There wasn't any music.
There weren't any speeches.
The person who approached me was a woman, a man with long hair, a clown, filled, with no malice, no intent to harm, nothing but love, no reason to fear.
I lie in the grass and watch the hippies join hands and run and dance around and around in a circle dance. They shimmer in the sunlight. The circle undulates, expands, contracts, everything seems to be breathing. The big top is breathing. There isn't any sound at all.
It lasts forever.
Then.
It's over.
The hippies leave as suddenly as they arrived. They leave in twos and threes.
I get up.
I walk home.
Friday, August 6, 2010
master cleanse - day 10
i ate soup tonight
not yucky lemon gut soup
i broke my fast about 3 hours ago
with some yummy broth
i made with
kombu
shitake
onion
dry spices
nutritional yeast
and
a sprig of fresh rosemary
i can't say i've ever really
used rosemary before
i associate it with
rosemary chicken
most of all
and
maybe
focaccia bread
it was just what i wanted
orange juice will have to wait for tomorrow
i've got oranges to squeeze
i've got celery to juice
i've got miso to soup
i didn't lose that much weight
only about 10 pounds
and
i'm not sure
that i'm out of toxins
but
i do think it was really good for me
i'm thinking about
incorporating fasting into regular life
like maybe one day a week
or some set amount of time per month
or something
i haven't decided yet
i was hoping for
some mystical experience
but
most of what i got
was very practical
i guess
someday
i will
have to have
that
fast
in the desert
not yucky lemon gut soup
i broke my fast about 3 hours ago
with some yummy broth
i made with
kombu
shitake
onion
dry spices
nutritional yeast
and
a sprig of fresh rosemary
i can't say i've ever really
used rosemary before
i associate it with
rosemary chicken
most of all
and
maybe
focaccia bread
it was just what i wanted
orange juice will have to wait for tomorrow
i've got oranges to squeeze
i've got celery to juice
i've got miso to soup
i didn't lose that much weight
only about 10 pounds
and
i'm not sure
that i'm out of toxins
but
i do think it was really good for me
i'm thinking about
incorporating fasting into regular life
like maybe one day a week
or some set amount of time per month
or something
i haven't decided yet
i was hoping for
some mystical experience
but
most of what i got
was very practical
i guess
someday
i will
have to have
that
fast
in the desert
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
master cleanse - day 7
this
isn't so much about day 7 per se
it's more about
my thoughts on the master cleanse thus far
like i said before
i started with lemon juice and cayenne
maybe a couple weeks before
i think that's why my body wanted me to stop eating
so it could catch up with the detox
so when i tell you this stuff
(and it might be kinda gross
you might not want to read this)
it's not just a 7 day effect
but
there are parts of me
that i thought:
well that's all firm
must be all muscle
nuh uh
the texture of the fat has changed
which makes it harder to look at myself
because
now it's all fat looking
that's the down side
but it isn't really
because
now it looks like something that doesn't belong
and must go
which can't ultimately be a bad thing
but
in the short term
i look fatter to me
the up side is
a bunch of stuff
i thought all my chronic pain was gone
nuh uh
much less now
i thought my range of motion
was pretty good
(for my age)
since i have been mildly detoxing for months
nuh uh
much better now
but
the weird thing is
i can see
tangibly
how those things
might actually improve
yet still more
like maybe there could be
a couple more
i thought it wasn't bad before
moments
i totally see why people are tempted
to go on ridiculously long bouts of master cleanse
i see it
but
i think it is flawed reasoning
it cannot be good
to make your body
stay in hard core detox mode
can it
anyway
unless i have some whack come-to-jesus moment
i think 10 days is going to be all
this time
which doesn't mean
i'll stop detoxing
but
this feels too active
and violent
to make me think i should continue longer
(and
in the spirit of full disclosure
i should mention
i think
i'm probably taking much more cayenne
than is probably meant
because
it said you could take 2 cayenne capsules
if you couldn't deal with the taste
or a fairly small amount of cayenne mixed in
so i'm doing the capsules
but
that means
i'm taking 2 x 100,000btu x 6
and i suspect
it meant
something 40,000btu
or less)
but
seriously
i keep kinda fantasizing
about doing a cartwheel
stupid stuff
this was a very good decision i think
isn't so much about day 7 per se
it's more about
my thoughts on the master cleanse thus far
like i said before
i started with lemon juice and cayenne
maybe a couple weeks before
i think that's why my body wanted me to stop eating
so it could catch up with the detox
so when i tell you this stuff
(and it might be kinda gross
you might not want to read this)
it's not just a 7 day effect
but
there are parts of me
that i thought:
well that's all firm
must be all muscle
nuh uh
the texture of the fat has changed
which makes it harder to look at myself
because
now it's all fat looking
that's the down side
but it isn't really
because
now it looks like something that doesn't belong
and must go
which can't ultimately be a bad thing
but
in the short term
i look fatter to me
the up side is
a bunch of stuff
i thought all my chronic pain was gone
nuh uh
much less now
i thought my range of motion
was pretty good
(for my age)
since i have been mildly detoxing for months
nuh uh
much better now
but
the weird thing is
i can see
tangibly
how those things
might actually improve
yet still more
like maybe there could be
a couple more
i thought it wasn't bad before
moments
i totally see why people are tempted
to go on ridiculously long bouts of master cleanse
i see it
but
i think it is flawed reasoning
it cannot be good
to make your body
stay in hard core detox mode
can it
anyway
unless i have some whack come-to-jesus moment
i think 10 days is going to be all
this time
which doesn't mean
i'll stop detoxing
but
this feels too active
and violent
to make me think i should continue longer
(and
in the spirit of full disclosure
i should mention
i think
i'm probably taking much more cayenne
than is probably meant
because
it said you could take 2 cayenne capsules
if you couldn't deal with the taste
or a fairly small amount of cayenne mixed in
so i'm doing the capsules
but
that means
i'm taking 2 x 100,000btu x 6
and i suspect
it meant
something 40,000btu
or less)
but
seriously
i keep kinda fantasizing
about doing a cartwheel
stupid stuff
this was a very good decision i think
Monday, August 2, 2010
master cleanse - day 6
so
it wasn't my original intention
to update you today
but
i discovered that i am a fucking genius
so i had to write that
while it was fresh in my head
last night
i dreamed about eating chicken
and i don't know if it's digesting the fiber or what
but today
today i have been ravenous all day
and that fiber isn't really working the way i need it to
because i didn't take into account soluble fiber
so
when i started feeling like vomit time might be near
i juiced up the lemon rinds
with some ginger
(because it settles your stomach)
and that fiber is pretty insoluble
but i was still starving
so
i made chicken soup
from the lemon guts the juicer spit out
no lie
i boiled em for a while with
white pepper
garlic powder
celtic sea salt
it made this big nasty pulp
and i pushed that in a strainer
and got a small amount of concentrate
i added more spices
nutritional yeast
and hot water
and
it was way way too bitter
so
i added a tiny bit of maple
and voila
now
i mean spices are not
strictly speaking
part of the master cleanse
and
nutritional yeast is more of a supplement
which there is some debate about the allowability
so
you could say
that i cheated
if that's what you really wanted to say
but
i feel like macgyver
it was a little bitter
but
the texture
and
the flavor
was really chicken-soup-esque
chock-full-o-insoluble fiber, b12, protein, et al
and 70 calories
the same as the way i'm supposed to make the lemonade
and
so far
no vomit
yeah
it wasn't my original intention
to update you today
but
i discovered that i am a fucking genius
so i had to write that
while it was fresh in my head
last night
i dreamed about eating chicken
and i don't know if it's digesting the fiber or what
but today
today i have been ravenous all day
and that fiber isn't really working the way i need it to
because i didn't take into account soluble fiber
so
when i started feeling like vomit time might be near
i juiced up the lemon rinds
with some ginger
(because it settles your stomach)
and that fiber is pretty insoluble
but i was still starving
so
i made chicken soup
from the lemon guts the juicer spit out
no lie
i boiled em for a while with
white pepper
garlic powder
celtic sea salt
it made this big nasty pulp
and i pushed that in a strainer
and got a small amount of concentrate
i added more spices
nutritional yeast
and hot water
and
it was way way too bitter
so
i added a tiny bit of maple
and voila
now
i mean spices are not
strictly speaking
part of the master cleanse
and
nutritional yeast is more of a supplement
which there is some debate about the allowability
so
you could say
that i cheated
if that's what you really wanted to say
but
i feel like macgyver
it was a little bitter
but
the texture
and
the flavor
was really chicken-soup-esque
chock-full-o-insoluble fiber, b12, protein, et al
and 70 calories
the same as the way i'm supposed to make the lemonade
and
so far
no vomit
yeah
Sunday, August 1, 2010
master cleanse - day 4 & 5
i know it's kinda early
and if anything exciting happens later
i'll add on
but
i wanted to tell you about yesterday
some changes
and today
lack of euphoria
no more vomit
so far
(i spoke too soon)
i decided that the salt was giving me mild edema
so i needed an alternative to the saltwaterflush
which is a shame
because it is effective
and cheap
celtic sea salt is chock full of minerals
and only 3.50 for the small bag
so
i went to whole foods
and i wandered around for like 2 hours
i have this thing about grocery stores
it's like a sensory overload thing
which i've gotten way better at
but apparently not when i'm lightheaded
and hungry
well, not so much hungry as cramping internally
i looked at lots of food
even
with interest
at the bits of dead animal carcass
well, really just the steaks
it was all just fun to look at, no big thing
except
when i was in the water aisle (that word is spelled weird)
they had one of those "impulse buy" hanger thing-a-ma-jigs
with bags of fancy trail mix
giant dried cherries, almonds, and chocolate coated something
and the chocolate seemed like not processed
like it wasn't shiny
and that was the only point at which
i was into the food
that dried cherry had my name on it
but i had to get a salt alternative
i've read that mixing psyllum and bentonite clay
but i don't think i could drink that
so i looked and looked
and read all the labels
and i decided on this one called super seed
it's flax and chia with sprouted bunch-a-other-stuff
it's got omega3 and some protein and probiotics
it's got like 70 calories
and it tastes like malt-o-meal
but that might require enough digestion
that i'm really not on the master cleanse anymore
not sure
also
i saved all the lemon parts
and juiced them
but i let the juice sit for a few minutes
and it turned into this almost pudding texture
so i mixed in some juice, pulp, and 2 teaspoons of maple
and drank that down last night
fiber and bioflavanoids
lots of excitement yesterday
the super seed i had today
but
that was today's most euphoric moment:
malt-o-meal flashback
otherwise
just
spacey
with
headache
and weight back to where it was
before
the
salt
and if anything exciting happens later
i'll add on
but
i wanted to tell you about yesterday
some changes
and today
lack of euphoria
no more vomit
so far
(i spoke too soon)
i decided that the salt was giving me mild edema
so i needed an alternative to the saltwaterflush
which is a shame
because it is effective
and cheap
celtic sea salt is chock full of minerals
and only 3.50 for the small bag
so
i went to whole foods
and i wandered around for like 2 hours
i have this thing about grocery stores
it's like a sensory overload thing
which i've gotten way better at
but apparently not when i'm lightheaded
and hungry
well, not so much hungry as cramping internally
i looked at lots of food
even
with interest
at the bits of dead animal carcass
well, really just the steaks
it was all just fun to look at, no big thing
except
when i was in the water aisle (that word is spelled weird)
they had one of those "impulse buy" hanger thing-a-ma-jigs
with bags of fancy trail mix
giant dried cherries, almonds, and chocolate coated something
and the chocolate seemed like not processed
like it wasn't shiny
and that was the only point at which
i was into the food
that dried cherry had my name on it
but i had to get a salt alternative
i've read that mixing psyllum and bentonite clay
but i don't think i could drink that
so i looked and looked
and read all the labels
and i decided on this one called super seed
it's flax and chia with sprouted bunch-a-other-stuff
it's got omega3 and some protein and probiotics
it's got like 70 calories
and it tastes like malt-o-meal
but that might require enough digestion
that i'm really not on the master cleanse anymore
not sure
also
i saved all the lemon parts
and juiced them
but i let the juice sit for a few minutes
and it turned into this almost pudding texture
so i mixed in some juice, pulp, and 2 teaspoons of maple
and drank that down last night
fiber and bioflavanoids
lots of excitement yesterday
the super seed i had today
but
that was today's most euphoric moment:
malt-o-meal flashback
otherwise
just
spacey
with
headache
and weight back to where it was
before
the
salt
Friday, July 30, 2010
master cleanse - days 2 & 3
not much to report
day 2 went pretty much the way of day 1
only the cravings were more diffuse
by which i mean
i just wanted to eat
i wasn't hungry, not really
at least nothing the lemonade wouldn't cure
but i wanted to eat anyway
just for the eating
nothing specific
nothing unhealthy even
so i thought that might mean
no vomiting
but it did not mean that
today i did the saltwaterflush
in the early evening
in hopes of washing away the toxins
so
maybe
no vomit tonight
fingers crossed
but really
i don't want the lemonade
i don't want it
the salt tasted almost good
i was down to 1 tablespoon of honey a day
whatever
still in a yucky place
i think it's like day 5
that you get all blissed out
come on day 5
when i weighed when i got up
i had lost 7 pounds
but
just now
i seemed to have gained back 4 of them
i really have to be careful with salt
that may be a reaction
i've had about a gallon of water (a little less)
but only 3 lemonades (so like 250 calories)
so we know i didn't gain weight on that
so one way or another its water
anyway
just letting you know
i didn't quit
day 2 went pretty much the way of day 1
only the cravings were more diffuse
by which i mean
i just wanted to eat
i wasn't hungry, not really
at least nothing the lemonade wouldn't cure
but i wanted to eat anyway
just for the eating
nothing specific
nothing unhealthy even
so i thought that might mean
no vomiting
but it did not mean that
today i did the saltwaterflush
in the early evening
in hopes of washing away the toxins
so
maybe
no vomit tonight
fingers crossed
but really
i don't want the lemonade
i don't want it
the salt tasted almost good
i was down to 1 tablespoon of honey a day
whatever
still in a yucky place
i think it's like day 5
that you get all blissed out
come on day 5
when i weighed when i got up
i had lost 7 pounds
but
just now
i seemed to have gained back 4 of them
i really have to be careful with salt
that may be a reaction
i've had about a gallon of water (a little less)
but only 3 lemonades (so like 250 calories)
so we know i didn't gain weight on that
so one way or another its water
anyway
just letting you know
i didn't quit
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
master cleanse - day 1
i wasn't sure i would start today
it's a couple days early and i thought
i'd spend the next couple days on the juice
but when i woke up this morning my body said:
start today
please don't make us eat
so i started today which was fine, except
i needed to get more lemons
and i went to the foodie grocery
they have a big juicing operation in produce
the scent of watermelon almost made me lose my mind
well, that's not really true
it just smelled really really really good
this was like 5:30pm
and up till then no food issues
and no big deal anyway
but they say you'll have cravings
as the toxins come out
and this evening
all i wanted
was a big baguette of crusty french bread
with butter
but again
not really a big deal
i don't really eat that anymore anyway
i just imagined it
which was fine
but i guess they weren't kidding about the toxins
and i did say i wanted deeper detox
but i did not expect
vomiting
i feel better now
but the crusty warm bread is even more vivid
so i don't think it's over
i can't honestly say i'm enjoying this
it'll probably get worse before it gets better
whatever
i actually believe it's doing something now
it's a couple days early and i thought
i'd spend the next couple days on the juice
but when i woke up this morning my body said:
start today
please don't make us eat
so i started today which was fine, except
i needed to get more lemons
and i went to the foodie grocery
they have a big juicing operation in produce
the scent of watermelon almost made me lose my mind
well, that's not really true
it just smelled really really really good
this was like 5:30pm
and up till then no food issues
and no big deal anyway
but they say you'll have cravings
as the toxins come out
and this evening
all i wanted
was a big baguette of crusty french bread
with butter
but again
not really a big deal
i don't really eat that anymore anyway
i just imagined it
which was fine
but i guess they weren't kidding about the toxins
and i did say i wanted deeper detox
but i did not expect
vomiting
i feel better now
but the crusty warm bread is even more vivid
so i don't think it's over
i can't honestly say i'm enjoying this
it'll probably get worse before it gets better
whatever
i actually believe it's doing something now
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
just some stuff i wanted to tell you about my experimentation, might be boring
i've been trying different ways to get enough protein
and i thought fruit smoothies with vegan protein
was the way to go, for a while
but no
i gained back 10 pounds
and my alkalinity dropped back down to 6.2
i knew, in my heart of hearts, fruit was wrong
so i am testing an hypothesis that i have had for some time
it's a cyclical thing
there's building up
there's tearing down
so i started taking liver detox herbs in tear down
and i started taking chlorella in build up
and my alkalinity is 7.0 now
and, in preparation for doing a master cleanse
i am drinking lemon water and taking cayenne (100,000btu)
but still eating, not fasting yet, cause it's build up
so, hopefully, since i'm getting some detox effects now
hopefully i'll have deeper detox later
i haven't fasted for a long time
but it's the maple syrup i'm really worried about
that's a lot of sugar grams
i thought about leaving it off
but, from what i've researched
the manganese and zinc
are important for mitochondrial release
and
i mean
i'm not wanting to start with a forty day water fast
in the desert
up hill
both ways
maybe later
oh
and hopefully
i'll lose weight
but
it's not mostly about the weight
that's like half a lie
i haven't been dieting or focusing on losing weight
i've been focusing on nutrients
and finding food configurations that work for me
next time
instead of fruit smoothies
i think i'll mix spirulina
and nutritional yeast
into vegetable juice
i gotta stick with the veggies
and i thought fruit smoothies with vegan protein
was the way to go, for a while
but no
i gained back 10 pounds
and my alkalinity dropped back down to 6.2
i knew, in my heart of hearts, fruit was wrong
so i am testing an hypothesis that i have had for some time
it's a cyclical thing
there's building up
there's tearing down
so i started taking liver detox herbs in tear down
and i started taking chlorella in build up
and my alkalinity is 7.0 now
and, in preparation for doing a master cleanse
i am drinking lemon water and taking cayenne (100,000btu)
but still eating, not fasting yet, cause it's build up
so, hopefully, since i'm getting some detox effects now
hopefully i'll have deeper detox later
i haven't fasted for a long time
but it's the maple syrup i'm really worried about
that's a lot of sugar grams
i thought about leaving it off
but, from what i've researched
the manganese and zinc
are important for mitochondrial release
and
i mean
i'm not wanting to start with a forty day water fast
in the desert
up hill
both ways
maybe later
oh
and hopefully
i'll lose weight
but
it's not mostly about the weight
that's like half a lie
i haven't been dieting or focusing on losing weight
i've been focusing on nutrients
and finding food configurations that work for me
next time
instead of fruit smoothies
i think i'll mix spirulina
and nutritional yeast
into vegetable juice
i gotta stick with the veggies
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
i dreamed that i had worked as a psychedelics monitor
it was sort of a dream within a dream
the psychedelics monitor job
because
in the dream i was telling someone
about the past
but
i was also there
and
then i had a lucid dreaming moment
where i was trying to decide if i actually did that work
in reality
or if i just did it in the dream
i was in a little tiny closet
kind of a
being-john-malkovich-type closet
and i watched these people
all packed into this smallish room
bouncing off one another like bumper cars
vocalizing loudly
one guy was dressed as a rainbow clown
[that's probably because i saw that stupid double rainbow viral video]
i moved into the room
with all these people
who mostly didn't seem aware of one another
and i was overcome
like i was possessed by the spirit
of whatever they were on
and my tongue got weird
like it was twisted
or hard
or
like i had two of them
or
something
i couldn't talk
i had to resist the urge to
gag
or
bite
this whole thing was taking place
in an area of town
that i didn't use to have
it's
hard to define
the first definition that springs to mind
is like a red light district
but that's not really accurate
it's just that it's a business district
but really
it's not about display
it really reminds me more
of this bar i went to
maybe only once or twice
it was a leather bar
and it had a shop in front
for if you wanted leather stuff
but also
they had a dungeon area too
and
i mean
if you're setting up play dates at a dungeon
i'd think you'd have gear
but
you know
you might find a friend there
with a penchant for, say
snake bite kits
and be just fresh out
[being more of a clamp person yourself]
whatever, i digress
anyway
it was just a regular bar
perfectly normal
but when i walked through there
i could feel the energy
it was coiled
ready to spring
my friend m.jones really wanted me to get
into the community
but
i was more interested in it
that into it
really
but i guess
i kinda liked that he looked at me
and thought i could be an infamous dom
because i just didn't see it
the psychedelics monitor job
because
in the dream i was telling someone
about the past
but
i was also there
and
then i had a lucid dreaming moment
where i was trying to decide if i actually did that work
in reality
or if i just did it in the dream
i was in a little tiny closet
kind of a
being-john-malkovich-type closet
and i watched these people
all packed into this smallish room
bouncing off one another like bumper cars
vocalizing loudly
one guy was dressed as a rainbow clown
[that's probably because i saw that stupid double rainbow viral video]
i moved into the room
with all these people
who mostly didn't seem aware of one another
and i was overcome
like i was possessed by the spirit
of whatever they were on
and my tongue got weird
like it was twisted
or hard
or
like i had two of them
or
something
i couldn't talk
i had to resist the urge to
gag
or
bite
this whole thing was taking place
in an area of town
that i didn't use to have
it's
hard to define
the first definition that springs to mind
is like a red light district
but that's not really accurate
it's just that it's a business district
but really
it's not about display
it really reminds me more
of this bar i went to
maybe only once or twice
it was a leather bar
and it had a shop in front
for if you wanted leather stuff
but also
they had a dungeon area too
and
i mean
if you're setting up play dates at a dungeon
i'd think you'd have gear
but
you know
you might find a friend there
with a penchant for, say
snake bite kits
and be just fresh out
[being more of a clamp person yourself]
whatever, i digress
anyway
it was just a regular bar
perfectly normal
but when i walked through there
i could feel the energy
it was coiled
ready to spring
my friend m.jones really wanted me to get
into the community
but
i was more interested in it
that into it
really
but i guess
i kinda liked that he looked at me
and thought i could be an infamous dom
because i just didn't see it
Sunday, July 11, 2010
thoughts and images some from dreams some not
do you remember those cap guns toys
where you feed the red paper into the gun
and it slams a hammer down on the blister of whatever it was
pop
smoke
i forgot totally
but i loved to play with those
and in one of my dreams recently
i was laying floor tile
that was sort of the same idea
you step on it
pop
smoke
i loved the beach when i was a kid
and sometimes we'd go to west beach
which is private
or residential
but sometimes we'd go to
stewart beach
which had showers and cabanas
restaurants
water slide
mini golf
and
i think they might have brought in
better or extra
sand
because there was definitely
more walkable sand
and
in the dream i went to hear music
and then i met you in a restaurant
i can't remember all
the things on the menu
but most of them seemed to be endangered
the couple at the next table were fighting
something to do with dr. pepper lipsmacker
and i asked the waiter:
don't you have something
something like plain old shrimp
or better yet
something vegetable based
but he said: no
you ordered something that had a long
serial code name
like those scientific names for stars
and i ended up ordering b. writing
which i'm not sure how to take
but i woke up
and this is what i thought as i was drifting back off to sleep:
When people forgot her name, which they frequently did as she was a child and of no great consequence, they felt bad about it and tried to call it up perhaps so as not to hurt her feelings. The thing that struck her most about these attempts was not so much the attempts themselves, but rather the uniformity of the substituted names. Victoria or Virginia. Her first thought, for Victoria anyway, was that they knew it was one of those queen names, and was therefore a reasonable (if inaccurate) substitute (since her name was as well). Virginia, though. Taken together, she wondered if there was something about the V. Or, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Virginia, still intrigued her. And you might think from all this that she's going to tell you her name, but you'd be wrong, if you thought that. She is trying to think of what to call herself. She does admit the intriguing pull of the V, but she isn't going there. At this point in her life she feels more like an M. No, that's not quite right. It needs to be a double M. One of those glorious alliteration names, you know, something that sounds almost too good to be true, but just off enough to actually be true...Mielle....Matar.... Matar Miel how's that? But no, all really amazing names are in pentameter, or maybe that's not quite right, but anyway five syllables. So, how to get another syllable in there. Oh wait. Miel is Spanish anyway, right, not french like Mielle so rather than going Matara or Miello, how about this... Matar de Miel. How's that for taking two names you've had floating around in your head and putting them to good use. Granted, depending on your language skills, it could take on a slightly blue edge...
where you feed the red paper into the gun
and it slams a hammer down on the blister of whatever it was
pop
smoke
i forgot totally
but i loved to play with those
and in one of my dreams recently
i was laying floor tile
that was sort of the same idea
you step on it
pop
smoke
i loved the beach when i was a kid
and sometimes we'd go to west beach
which is private
or residential
but sometimes we'd go to
stewart beach
which had showers and cabanas
restaurants
water slide
mini golf
and
i think they might have brought in
better or extra
sand
because there was definitely
more walkable sand
and
in the dream i went to hear music
and then i met you in a restaurant
i can't remember all
the things on the menu
but most of them seemed to be endangered
the couple at the next table were fighting
something to do with dr. pepper lipsmacker
and i asked the waiter:
don't you have something
something like plain old shrimp
or better yet
something vegetable based
but he said: no
you ordered something that had a long
serial code name
like those scientific names for stars
and i ended up ordering b. writing
which i'm not sure how to take
but i woke up
and this is what i thought as i was drifting back off to sleep:
When people forgot her name, which they frequently did as she was a child and of no great consequence, they felt bad about it and tried to call it up perhaps so as not to hurt her feelings. The thing that struck her most about these attempts was not so much the attempts themselves, but rather the uniformity of the substituted names. Victoria or Virginia. Her first thought, for Victoria anyway, was that they knew it was one of those queen names, and was therefore a reasonable (if inaccurate) substitute (since her name was as well). Virginia, though. Taken together, she wondered if there was something about the V. Or, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Virginia, still intrigued her. And you might think from all this that she's going to tell you her name, but you'd be wrong, if you thought that. She is trying to think of what to call herself. She does admit the intriguing pull of the V, but she isn't going there. At this point in her life she feels more like an M. No, that's not quite right. It needs to be a double M. One of those glorious alliteration names, you know, something that sounds almost too good to be true, but just off enough to actually be true...Mielle....Matar.... Matar Miel how's that? But no, all really amazing names are in pentameter, or maybe that's not quite right, but anyway five syllables. So, how to get another syllable in there. Oh wait. Miel is Spanish anyway, right, not french like Mielle so rather than going Matara or Miello, how about this... Matar de Miel. How's that for taking two names you've had floating around in your head and putting them to good use. Granted, depending on your language skills, it could take on a slightly blue edge...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
the girl who fell to earth and just where she landed (last night's dream)
the girl fell to earth
in the grass
by a house
in a scene that reminds me
a little
of christina's world
she was startled to find herself there
where am i, she asked the girl lying in the grass by where she fell
the sun was bright
it was hot
but not uncomfortably so
there were houses
running parallel
more or less identical
metal frames
walls frosted plexi or fiberboard
and
where there might have been sidewalks
or street
driveways
was only a huge, undifferentiated swath of grass
in which, on which, she had fallen
where am i, she asked again
the girl who seemed to be sunbathing
you're in the skateboarder's quarter
she answered
unhelpfully
the alien girl had hoped for something
something a little more useful
geographically
the alien and the sunbather discussed the weather
as her shock began to fade
she noticed that she had skinned her arms and legs
from the impact
and the sod was turned over
so she was actually rubbing dirt into the abrasions
there was a blanket
she spread it out and lay down
grateful
nice blanket
nice grass
a big swath of cement just about here, which
come to think of it
might have made more sense for the skateboarder's quarter
would have totally sucked
whose house is that, she asked the sunbather
oh, that, she said pointing to the house
the lawn of which they would have been occupying
had, actually, there been any individuation
to the channel of green
that is jesus' house
only
before you get all excited
the sunbather didn't say jesus like gee-sus the son of man
but rather jesus like hey-zeus the guy whose house this was
and hey-zeus was, as one might have expected, some kind of skateboarder
he was kind of a big deal locally
had a sort of artist-friendly-open-door policy
so, even though hey-zeus was on his way somewhere
he welcomed the alien girl right in
like she was expected
actually
and, actually, it was the strangest thing, but
the one person
who she wanted to see more than anyone else
from any world
anywhere
was actually just hanging
at the house of hey-zeus
where she had just happened
a few moments before
to fall from the sky
and land on, well, by, next to, whatever
and there wasn't much in the way of furniture
at casa jesus
so she found herself stretching out
on this built in shelf-type-thing
that might function
as couch
or desk
or bed
and the man
did i mention it was a man, the person
the person the alien chick most wanted to see
anyway, he's a man
and
the alien chick
being an alien chick
didn't think of him as a man qua man, really
not really that much
he tended to be
the brain she loved
the eyes
the lips
the hands
the movement through space and time
connected to that particular soul
the one
who when hugged
couldn't be felt to be separate from herself
but
as she half sat half lay
propped up on an elbow
watched him approach
wet from a shower
sit on the floor next to her shelf
robe falling open
dripping pearls
she found that she was right up against
qua
in deed
in the grass
by a house
in a scene that reminds me
a little
of christina's world
she was startled to find herself there
where am i, she asked the girl lying in the grass by where she fell
the sun was bright
it was hot
but not uncomfortably so
there were houses
running parallel
more or less identical
metal frames
walls frosted plexi or fiberboard
and
where there might have been sidewalks
or street
driveways
was only a huge, undifferentiated swath of grass
in which, on which, she had fallen
where am i, she asked again
the girl who seemed to be sunbathing
you're in the skateboarder's quarter
she answered
unhelpfully
the alien girl had hoped for something
something a little more useful
geographically
the alien and the sunbather discussed the weather
as her shock began to fade
she noticed that she had skinned her arms and legs
from the impact
and the sod was turned over
so she was actually rubbing dirt into the abrasions
there was a blanket
she spread it out and lay down
grateful
nice blanket
nice grass
a big swath of cement just about here, which
come to think of it
might have made more sense for the skateboarder's quarter
would have totally sucked
whose house is that, she asked the sunbather
oh, that, she said pointing to the house
the lawn of which they would have been occupying
had, actually, there been any individuation
to the channel of green
that is jesus' house
only
before you get all excited
the sunbather didn't say jesus like gee-sus the son of man
but rather jesus like hey-zeus the guy whose house this was
and hey-zeus was, as one might have expected, some kind of skateboarder
he was kind of a big deal locally
had a sort of artist-friendly-open-door policy
so, even though hey-zeus was on his way somewhere
he welcomed the alien girl right in
like she was expected
actually
and, actually, it was the strangest thing, but
the one person
who she wanted to see more than anyone else
from any world
anywhere
was actually just hanging
at the house of hey-zeus
where she had just happened
a few moments before
to fall from the sky
and land on, well, by, next to, whatever
and there wasn't much in the way of furniture
at casa jesus
so she found herself stretching out
on this built in shelf-type-thing
that might function
as couch
or desk
or bed
and the man
did i mention it was a man, the person
the person the alien chick most wanted to see
anyway, he's a man
and
the alien chick
being an alien chick
didn't think of him as a man qua man, really
not really that much
he tended to be
the brain she loved
the eyes
the lips
the hands
the movement through space and time
connected to that particular soul
the one
who when hugged
couldn't be felt to be separate from herself
but
as she half sat half lay
propped up on an elbow
watched him approach
wet from a shower
sit on the floor next to her shelf
robe falling open
dripping pearls
she found that she was right up against
qua
in deed
Monday, July 5, 2010
long confusing dream last night
it's gonna take me a while to sort out
everything in this dream
so
i'll just put elements
then maybe later i can get the order and flow
college
literature class
car
a near mugging
a lawsuit from 1978
a giant aggregate tooth
like something from monument valley
my cat had 5 kittens
they were so cute and little
one of them looked just like her
everything in this dream
so
i'll just put elements
then maybe later i can get the order and flow
college
literature class
car
a near mugging
a lawsuit from 1978
a giant aggregate tooth
like something from monument valley
my cat had 5 kittens
they were so cute and little
one of them looked just like her
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
does unit 82 have some significance to you?
it started in an apartment
similar
actually
to the one i really live in
there's a knock on the door
it's a home care nurse and she's looking for someone
who's supposed to be at my address
but isn't
and hasn't been probably
because i still get a lot of mail for four different people
who used to live at this address
but i ask my roommate, anyway, who doesn't know
and somehow, i'm not sure how
we find out the guy we're looking for is in
unit 82
which isn't that close
and the home care nurse is old, seems feeble
so i tell her i'll take her there
and i'll schlep her stuff, which turns out just to be
a largish bottle of something
once outside the apartment
the world changes quickly
iron stairs winding up
not spiral though
something like a fire escape
something like a zigurat
guys hanging on the stoop
round and round
but somewhere
i scraped the old nurse off
then there might have been a bit i can't remember
and i was in a room
waiting room
office
it looks like a room from a decor magazine
modern, high ceiling
people working
i was on the couch
with you
and
i think i may have mentioned that i don't have a couch
there's a reason for that
i have this fantasy
it's really really silly
about just lying on a couch
leaning against someone, close, intimate
it's not a sexual fantasy
it's an intimacy fantasy
and even though i had someone i lived with
for years
i never had someone who was willing to be close like that
so
i didn't want to have the couch
but in this dream
we're on this beautiful couch
in this beautiful room
with other people working all around
and
i start to make this little mmmmmmmmmmm
as i breathe
like a kid eating something delicious
and you whisper
you're going to attract attention
oh yeah, sorry, i didn't notice i was doing it
i look around, no one is looking at me:
i think it's okay
i look over at this beautiful chrome and glass table
there's a tray
a bottle on the tray
with an essential oil blend of rare woods
i've been experimenting with essential oils, you say
oh yeah
yeah
smell here, brushing your hand into your hair at the temple
i sniffffff
we walk out of the office, or whatever
which was high ceilinged and light-filled
out
and it's like an underground
cobble stoned street
like magic
out of the corner of my eye
i see a neon sign
for someplace i haven't been
since i was a child
and
i swear to god
i think i squealed
and i pirouetted down the street
toward the sign
and, i said, i think
i think that this street curves
somewhere around here
82 has got to be nearby
similar
actually
to the one i really live in
there's a knock on the door
it's a home care nurse and she's looking for someone
who's supposed to be at my address
but isn't
and hasn't been probably
because i still get a lot of mail for four different people
who used to live at this address
but i ask my roommate, anyway, who doesn't know
and somehow, i'm not sure how
we find out the guy we're looking for is in
unit 82
which isn't that close
and the home care nurse is old, seems feeble
so i tell her i'll take her there
and i'll schlep her stuff, which turns out just to be
a largish bottle of something
once outside the apartment
the world changes quickly
iron stairs winding up
not spiral though
something like a fire escape
something like a zigurat
guys hanging on the stoop
round and round
but somewhere
i scraped the old nurse off
then there might have been a bit i can't remember
and i was in a room
waiting room
office
it looks like a room from a decor magazine
modern, high ceiling
people working
i was on the couch
with you
and
i think i may have mentioned that i don't have a couch
there's a reason for that
i have this fantasy
it's really really silly
about just lying on a couch
leaning against someone, close, intimate
it's not a sexual fantasy
it's an intimacy fantasy
and even though i had someone i lived with
for years
i never had someone who was willing to be close like that
so
i didn't want to have the couch
but in this dream
we're on this beautiful couch
in this beautiful room
with other people working all around
and
i start to make this little mmmmmmmmmmm
as i breathe
like a kid eating something delicious
and you whisper
you're going to attract attention
oh yeah, sorry, i didn't notice i was doing it
i look around, no one is looking at me:
i think it's okay
i look over at this beautiful chrome and glass table
there's a tray
a bottle on the tray
with an essential oil blend of rare woods
i've been experimenting with essential oils, you say
oh yeah
yeah
smell here, brushing your hand into your hair at the temple
i sniffffff
we walk out of the office, or whatever
which was high ceilinged and light-filled
out
and it's like an underground
cobble stoned street
like magic
out of the corner of my eye
i see a neon sign
for someplace i haven't been
since i was a child
and
i swear to god
i think i squealed
and i pirouetted down the street
toward the sign
and, i said, i think
i think that this street curves
somewhere around here
82 has got to be nearby
Saturday, June 26, 2010
strange dream last night
maybe it had to do
with things i thought before i went to sleep
i watched a show
where sharon stone
was an attorney who talked to god
she seemed to be an excellent attorney
but everyone thought she was insane
it made me itch, sort of
thinking about the tour bus
as it swung through arlington
and i couldn't say i heard, maybe
but i definitely felt
confusion
fear
hysteria
death
just like it was all around me
and it freaked me out
and the guy i was with said:
look, i know you didn't want to come here
but you don't need to throw a fit in front of my family
i was trying not to let them see
but, to him
i was acting
making it up
so anyway
i guess
before bed i was thinking about
talking to spirits or whatever
and how it's not a really useful skill
or, maybe, that i'm not good enough at it
for it to be anything other than disturbing
only psychic enough to make vague statements
only recognizable after the fact
i even looked up schizophrenia yet again
even though, i know i'm not
and i shouldn't go there
right before i set my subconscious free
it's just bad planning
plus i'm listening to an old harry desden novel
so i could have expected ghostly dreams
which is sort of what i got
but not exactly
my memory is smeared
i can't remember most of it
and i almost didn't write this at all
because what i can remember is so fleeting
but it's still intensely with me
after a whole day
so here goes
i remember i was driving
i was taking them with me
there was a woman in the seat beside me
she was a ghost
the strange thing is
i'm not sure who she was
i don't think she was one person
i think she was an essence
of composite bits
she was very thin, though, very thin
and then my cat jumped in
jumped in the front seat and snuggled in next to me
and i immediately felt happy with her there
i didn't know i could get visits from dead cats
it's only been people before, i think
and i started to drive off
i didn't have to go to the hospital
at first i thought i did
so i was just driving off
when the ghost says:
you have to go in and get them
i go into the house
everything is dark and gray
and there is a pathway through the corridor
a few feet above the floor
like a smear
like the ghostly equivalent of an oil slick
there is a man
he's also a composite
off in a room
he's a little scary
and there's another woman in the kitchen
she's in a house dress, hair wrapped in a towel
her
i can hardly look at her
i don't want these people
they might be my ghosts, but i don't want them
i won't even talk to the woman in the kitchen
i head back to the man in the room
and i say something to him
which makes no sense to me
none whatsoever
it's dark in here
did i mention it's dark
and the smear is like a coiling ribbon of something
that might have some consciousness
and who is that goddamned woman in the car
thin bitch
to tell me i have to come back and get these people
and what i say:
what is the purpose of the cape
what is that supposed to do for you
and it's like i wrapped a little of their essence
around myself and pulled them with me
as i run out of the house
without having to actually take them, bodily
they need to stay in the house
if i bring them
they will drown me
in the darkness and muck
and then i wake up
so yeah yeah
i mean i can guess what that crap in the house was all about
but who's the chick in the car
that's what i want to know
is she somebody i ought to be letting talk
i don't recognize her
but she seems to be connected to me somehow
i would have been happy to lose her though
and just take off with the cat
if that dream was telling me something important
i don't think i got the message
it was just walking through cobwebs
with things i thought before i went to sleep
i watched a show
where sharon stone
was an attorney who talked to god
she seemed to be an excellent attorney
but everyone thought she was insane
it made me itch, sort of
thinking about the tour bus
as it swung through arlington
and i couldn't say i heard, maybe
but i definitely felt
confusion
fear
hysteria
death
just like it was all around me
and it freaked me out
and the guy i was with said:
look, i know you didn't want to come here
but you don't need to throw a fit in front of my family
i was trying not to let them see
but, to him
i was acting
making it up
so anyway
i guess
before bed i was thinking about
talking to spirits or whatever
and how it's not a really useful skill
or, maybe, that i'm not good enough at it
for it to be anything other than disturbing
only psychic enough to make vague statements
only recognizable after the fact
i even looked up schizophrenia yet again
even though, i know i'm not
and i shouldn't go there
right before i set my subconscious free
it's just bad planning
plus i'm listening to an old harry desden novel
so i could have expected ghostly dreams
which is sort of what i got
but not exactly
my memory is smeared
i can't remember most of it
and i almost didn't write this at all
because what i can remember is so fleeting
but it's still intensely with me
after a whole day
so here goes
i remember i was driving
i was taking them with me
there was a woman in the seat beside me
she was a ghost
the strange thing is
i'm not sure who she was
i don't think she was one person
i think she was an essence
of composite bits
she was very thin, though, very thin
and then my cat jumped in
jumped in the front seat and snuggled in next to me
and i immediately felt happy with her there
i didn't know i could get visits from dead cats
it's only been people before, i think
and i started to drive off
i didn't have to go to the hospital
at first i thought i did
so i was just driving off
when the ghost says:
you have to go in and get them
i go into the house
everything is dark and gray
and there is a pathway through the corridor
a few feet above the floor
like a smear
like the ghostly equivalent of an oil slick
there is a man
he's also a composite
off in a room
he's a little scary
and there's another woman in the kitchen
she's in a house dress, hair wrapped in a towel
her
i can hardly look at her
i don't want these people
they might be my ghosts, but i don't want them
i won't even talk to the woman in the kitchen
i head back to the man in the room
and i say something to him
which makes no sense to me
none whatsoever
it's dark in here
did i mention it's dark
and the smear is like a coiling ribbon of something
that might have some consciousness
and who is that goddamned woman in the car
thin bitch
to tell me i have to come back and get these people
and what i say:
what is the purpose of the cape
what is that supposed to do for you
and it's like i wrapped a little of their essence
around myself and pulled them with me
as i run out of the house
without having to actually take them, bodily
they need to stay in the house
if i bring them
they will drown me
in the darkness and muck
and then i wake up
so yeah yeah
i mean i can guess what that crap in the house was all about
but who's the chick in the car
that's what i want to know
is she somebody i ought to be letting talk
i don't recognize her
but she seems to be connected to me somehow
i would have been happy to lose her though
and just take off with the cat
if that dream was telling me something important
i don't think i got the message
it was just walking through cobwebs
Thursday, June 24, 2010
streets, model streets, lipstick perpetually, and comments from sister glo
i was at a parking-lot-street-festival
this was some time ago now
i walked through once, twice, three times
each time passing sister glo
before finally settling
in her folding butterfly chair
i knew you would stop, she said
hell, we all knew i would stop
it was just a matter of when
when were you born, she asked, i answered
oh, then you'll want to hear about career and money
why don't you tell me about love and destiny
but she couldn't help herself:
you're an idea person-- you're like a walking advertising agency
the dreams have been scattered, disjointed
more than a few apartments
paintings four or five only to a good sized wall
covering all the walls
paintings that don't look like anything i've ever done
i think they're characters i created
one is in front of a building of waffling glass
and all around the room
is the thickest chair rail i've ever seen
a friend buys an arcade game for me
it is pink
the game is the life of an anime girl and her dog
but it is difficult to play
i have no skills
it cost $1500.
though i'm not sure why that's important
can i exchange it for tempest
(i can play that)
i am forever in and out of the apartments of others
sometimes
it seems
secretly so
but there isn't much i can say about that
then i'm walking through a street
it seems so familiar in it's near dark dusk
buildings seamless in the undulating street
familiar but foreign
in either place or time
and the persons on the street
i don't make eye contact
but i'm running
or skipping
as excited as i am afraid
and as i slip through the possibly dangerous street
i am applying a new lipstick i have purchased
and i continue
through the course of the dream
every few minutes
maybe my lips are dry
maybe i'm licking the color away
i don't know
but i'm forever reapplying
last night
i dreamed you were on a television show
i want to say morning
but to be honest, i'm not sure
i'm basing that on a view out the window
but
view out the window is a model of the city
in motion
like at the beginning of mr roger's neighborhood
except that it's a city
and i want to say it's new york
but i'm not sure about that either
because i don't see landmarks i can identify
but
you know
it's a big city, seems like
and it's a television show
so i assume, i guess
and you're being interviewed with another man
and it's a big deal
i'm very happy for you
proud
if that's allowable
and as i turn to walk away
sister glo turns to me and says:
you know
i used to be in casting
has anyone ever told you...
this was some time ago now
i walked through once, twice, three times
each time passing sister glo
before finally settling
in her folding butterfly chair
i knew you would stop, she said
hell, we all knew i would stop
it was just a matter of when
when were you born, she asked, i answered
oh, then you'll want to hear about career and money
why don't you tell me about love and destiny
but she couldn't help herself:
you're an idea person-- you're like a walking advertising agency
the dreams have been scattered, disjointed
more than a few apartments
paintings four or five only to a good sized wall
covering all the walls
paintings that don't look like anything i've ever done
i think they're characters i created
one is in front of a building of waffling glass
and all around the room
is the thickest chair rail i've ever seen
a friend buys an arcade game for me
it is pink
the game is the life of an anime girl and her dog
but it is difficult to play
i have no skills
it cost $1500.
though i'm not sure why that's important
can i exchange it for tempest
(i can play that)
i am forever in and out of the apartments of others
sometimes
it seems
secretly so
but there isn't much i can say about that
then i'm walking through a street
it seems so familiar in it's near dark dusk
buildings seamless in the undulating street
familiar but foreign
in either place or time
and the persons on the street
i don't make eye contact
but i'm running
or skipping
as excited as i am afraid
and as i slip through the possibly dangerous street
i am applying a new lipstick i have purchased
and i continue
through the course of the dream
every few minutes
maybe my lips are dry
maybe i'm licking the color away
i don't know
but i'm forever reapplying
last night
i dreamed you were on a television show
i want to say morning
but to be honest, i'm not sure
i'm basing that on a view out the window
but
view out the window is a model of the city
in motion
like at the beginning of mr roger's neighborhood
except that it's a city
and i want to say it's new york
but i'm not sure about that either
because i don't see landmarks i can identify
but
you know
it's a big city, seems like
and it's a television show
so i assume, i guess
and you're being interviewed with another man
and it's a big deal
i'm very happy for you
proud
if that's allowable
and as i turn to walk away
sister glo turns to me and says:
you know
i used to be in casting
has anyone ever told you...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
not a dream, just thoughts, well writing, maybe
i read back through my journal today
just the hand-written one i carry in my purse
it goes back quite far
because
A) i was alternating between two of them
[depending on what i was writing]
and
B) i utilize the computer
[and to a lesser degree a bigger book, not reviewed]
but
it was interesting to me to see
the kind of stream of consciousness statements
over and over
and the questions i ask myself
the most common:
what the FUCK are you doing?
but a few things that struck me most:
...i'm still, maybe, screwing up--
but, dear god, it makes me so happy just to see him.
when i got back to [my room] and looked at myself in the mirror--
i was the most beautiful woman in the world.
well, not really, but, sorta...
...how evil-going-to-hell am i?
is this all going to work out?
if whatever happens is okay with me then it's going to be okay, right?...
...i'm running
and i'm turning to salt
i'm spinning
and i'm
how do you want it to end?
standing on the balcony looking at the ravens:
i love you too ernest
could you write it as a book of endings?...
...is that true? no.
is that a lie? no.
so why did you say it?
because it is what you believe and you're so scared...
treasure
trauma
pleasure
drama
kumquat
opossum
and today
as i was leaving the mall
a guy
smoking a cigarette
drinking a cup of coffee
pushing a grocery cart
dropped his cigarette trying to get my attention
as i walked past in earphones
it's not over until the fat lady sings
he chortles
well
i had asked for a sign
just the hand-written one i carry in my purse
it goes back quite far
because
A) i was alternating between two of them
[depending on what i was writing]
and
B) i utilize the computer
[and to a lesser degree a bigger book, not reviewed]
but
it was interesting to me to see
the kind of stream of consciousness statements
over and over
and the questions i ask myself
the most common:
what the FUCK are you doing?
but a few things that struck me most:
...i'm still, maybe, screwing up--
but, dear god, it makes me so happy just to see him.
when i got back to [my room] and looked at myself in the mirror--
i was the most beautiful woman in the world.
well, not really, but, sorta...
...how evil-going-to-hell am i?
is this all going to work out?
if whatever happens is okay with me then it's going to be okay, right?...
...i'm running
and i'm turning to salt
i'm spinning
and i'm
how do you want it to end?
standing on the balcony looking at the ravens:
i love you too ernest
could you write it as a book of endings?...
...is that true? no.
is that a lie? no.
so why did you say it?
because it is what you believe and you're so scared...
treasure
trauma
pleasure
drama
kumquat
opossum
and today
as i was leaving the mall
a guy
smoking a cigarette
drinking a cup of coffee
pushing a grocery cart
dropped his cigarette trying to get my attention
as i walked past in earphones
it's not over until the fat lady sings
he chortles
well
i had asked for a sign
Friday, June 18, 2010
there was some sort of street festival going on that they called america grateful day
last night before i went to bed
i was looking at before and after chin augmentation videos
because that is the only facial change surgery
that i've ever considered, even briefly
i don't have a weak jaw
and i thrust it out in a way that makes it more prominent
which is very bad for my neck, according to my chiropractor
in the process of searching these videos
i came across angelina jolie's before and after
and that cured me right up
and then i looked at videos of her pregnant
because, what the hell, and i'd only even known
she was pregnant
from the people magazine
in the grocery line
and i see how she influenced pregnancy fashion
and i realized yet again
how like anti-celebrity i am
anti-fashion, anti-trend, anti-copy-ing
i don't even want to read things if i'm afraid i might
be too heavily influenced
why i never read barthelme, i guess
i was supposed to want to write that way
so maybe all that had to do with my dreams
i don't know
but i was at the family dairy
moving crates of milk
talking about my grandfather
(who had founded the dairy)
and they asked me not to accept delivery
for anything unusual
because these festival days are often used as an excuse
for companies to send extra (and unordered) shipments
so i was vigilant
but two gift bags were delivered that i let them come through
wondering if that would be an issue
but noticing the slide sandals, of a dr. schol's type
in my european size 40
that i wanted
they were white with some form of type on them
and that was not the only unreadable type in the dream
i went to see my niece
who in the dream was 14 and pregnant
and not a mature 14 (she seemed more like 10)
her mother and grandmother were all smiles
and she didn't even seem to understand how
pregnancy occurred
and i was mad and sad and wanting to do something
but there didn't seem to be anything to do
and there was a tiny kitten
small enough to fit in my hand
who i watched scaling (with difficulty) the side
of a stainless steel sports car (old trans am, maybe)
climbing in the window
and i ran over, reached my hand in the window
unlocked it, and scooped up my kitten
the engine was idling the driver's side door was open
clearly the car would have departed with my kitten
and i couldn't bear it
on my way back to the house i scooped up another one
both were mewling for food and to be put down
once inside i was trying to feed them
but this thing was frightening me
maybe it was a small dog or a large rat
but it had a huge keloided scar across it's back
that looked like a compressed pink scrubby
and it seemed to be hissing and foaming at the mouth
it might be rabid
then i was fixing up an apartment in a building my mom owned
sorting through furniture
there was a desk almost hidden under a built-in
that had beautiful metallic sheen grain
it almost looked like tiger stripes
and then other furniture
which was visible and clearly inspired by the desk
a set of tacky tiger print bedside tables, a not-quite-matching
but equally tacky side table
those had to go
i was fitting bookcases into available alcove space
finding every children's book and fairytale
then going outside and arranging baby palm trees
thinking:
i'm not your average person when it comes to decorating either
then i was at the street festival
there was an exhibit set up for an artist i recognized
i was there with someone (i'm not sure who)
and the little boy of the girl i had the thing with
he was running around, saying whatever
and this person i was with
who might have been cycling through people
because i can't tell you man or woman, friend or foe
was asking me about the artist
whose name was something like david fein or feinz davi
and i knew, but the lettering was upside down and backwards
which i can read, but then somehow twisted again
i was trying to explain
the attendant was talking to the other person about the kid:
wow he just says whatever
and i'm like:
yeah, so he doesn't have a filter, tell us about the art
and i'm trying to read, but i can't
and both he and the other are talking to me
but i can't hear, i have a hearing aid
talk into the apparatus, i say, irritated
and everyone just keeps asking each other
what are you doing to celebrate your gratefulness
it's some participatory thing
like religious testifying or show-and-tell
and i can't hear: i don't need this crap
and i go back home
i have notebooks i have quasi-stolen from a donation pile
inside one is a description by a man of the woman he loves
she always wore these pajamas with lacy panties
is the only line i remember
and suddenly i have the outfit
she didn't wear the pants, but i do
and though it's meant to be pajamas
it looks on me like something almost formal
with a high collar
multi-layer effect in black and gray
and it fits perfectly
i pull my hair up
and there is a collection of small black cameos
i put in earrings
and i pin one to the lapel
and somehow
my stepfather is there
although he isn't my stepfather
but then no one's been realistic in this dream
and somehow he has given me these things
the clothes
the jewelry
tracked them down or something
and i breathe a deep, satisfied sigh, look over at him in the window seat
and say:
i am so very grateful
i was looking at before and after chin augmentation videos
because that is the only facial change surgery
that i've ever considered, even briefly
i don't have a weak jaw
and i thrust it out in a way that makes it more prominent
which is very bad for my neck, according to my chiropractor
in the process of searching these videos
i came across angelina jolie's before and after
and that cured me right up
and then i looked at videos of her pregnant
because, what the hell, and i'd only even known
she was pregnant
from the people magazine
in the grocery line
and i see how she influenced pregnancy fashion
and i realized yet again
how like anti-celebrity i am
anti-fashion, anti-trend, anti-copy-ing
i don't even want to read things if i'm afraid i might
be too heavily influenced
why i never read barthelme, i guess
i was supposed to want to write that way
so maybe all that had to do with my dreams
i don't know
but i was at the family dairy
moving crates of milk
talking about my grandfather
(who had founded the dairy)
and they asked me not to accept delivery
for anything unusual
because these festival days are often used as an excuse
for companies to send extra (and unordered) shipments
so i was vigilant
but two gift bags were delivered that i let them come through
wondering if that would be an issue
but noticing the slide sandals, of a dr. schol's type
in my european size 40
that i wanted
they were white with some form of type on them
and that was not the only unreadable type in the dream
i went to see my niece
who in the dream was 14 and pregnant
and not a mature 14 (she seemed more like 10)
her mother and grandmother were all smiles
and she didn't even seem to understand how
pregnancy occurred
and i was mad and sad and wanting to do something
but there didn't seem to be anything to do
and there was a tiny kitten
small enough to fit in my hand
who i watched scaling (with difficulty) the side
of a stainless steel sports car (old trans am, maybe)
climbing in the window
and i ran over, reached my hand in the window
unlocked it, and scooped up my kitten
the engine was idling the driver's side door was open
clearly the car would have departed with my kitten
and i couldn't bear it
on my way back to the house i scooped up another one
both were mewling for food and to be put down
once inside i was trying to feed them
but this thing was frightening me
maybe it was a small dog or a large rat
but it had a huge keloided scar across it's back
that looked like a compressed pink scrubby
and it seemed to be hissing and foaming at the mouth
it might be rabid
then i was fixing up an apartment in a building my mom owned
sorting through furniture
there was a desk almost hidden under a built-in
that had beautiful metallic sheen grain
it almost looked like tiger stripes
and then other furniture
which was visible and clearly inspired by the desk
a set of tacky tiger print bedside tables, a not-quite-matching
but equally tacky side table
those had to go
i was fitting bookcases into available alcove space
finding every children's book and fairytale
then going outside and arranging baby palm trees
thinking:
i'm not your average person when it comes to decorating either
then i was at the street festival
there was an exhibit set up for an artist i recognized
i was there with someone (i'm not sure who)
and the little boy of the girl i had the thing with
he was running around, saying whatever
and this person i was with
who might have been cycling through people
because i can't tell you man or woman, friend or foe
was asking me about the artist
whose name was something like david fein or feinz davi
and i knew, but the lettering was upside down and backwards
which i can read, but then somehow twisted again
i was trying to explain
the attendant was talking to the other person about the kid:
wow he just says whatever
and i'm like:
yeah, so he doesn't have a filter, tell us about the art
and i'm trying to read, but i can't
and both he and the other are talking to me
but i can't hear, i have a hearing aid
talk into the apparatus, i say, irritated
and everyone just keeps asking each other
what are you doing to celebrate your gratefulness
it's some participatory thing
like religious testifying or show-and-tell
and i can't hear: i don't need this crap
and i go back home
i have notebooks i have quasi-stolen from a donation pile
inside one is a description by a man of the woman he loves
she always wore these pajamas with lacy panties
is the only line i remember
and suddenly i have the outfit
she didn't wear the pants, but i do
and though it's meant to be pajamas
it looks on me like something almost formal
with a high collar
multi-layer effect in black and gray
and it fits perfectly
i pull my hair up
and there is a collection of small black cameos
i put in earrings
and i pin one to the lapel
and somehow
my stepfather is there
although he isn't my stepfather
but then no one's been realistic in this dream
and somehow he has given me these things
the clothes
the jewelry
tracked them down or something
and i breathe a deep, satisfied sigh, look over at him in the window seat
and say:
i am so very grateful
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
the thing is
since i had that dream
my dreams have all been strange
picnics in parks within amusement parks
with paddle boats and morphing lava lamp blobs
with young men sporting beatle haircuts
but situationally
maybe more like a monkees episode
(at least insofar as i can remember)
signs which would just pop up:
watch for falling objects
walking through the mountain pass of caves
to come out at a chinese theater
door attendant painted up
beestung lips and cateye liner
like it's all one big popquiz
but
it doesn't seem like it's telling me anything
and
i'm not getting any rest
because i'm spending so much time
trying to decipher where it's all coming from
it's weird
it's like sleeping in stew
and then last night
i was playing a computer virtual world game
creating characters
in more or less believable worlds
meeting other people
who had created characters
but
it was like a character head icon
branching out in a web
and then another head
with a few shoots
and there was something that i liked in one
and something in another
and somehow, overall, it was not good
but i can't remember why
i've got to be working on something
pretty intense
and i don't enjoy these dreams at all
but i really want to see
what i'm creating here
or maybe
my brain is broken
but i don't really believe that
i have to believe that it's shuffling through things
for some reason
only i'm worried
like when you take some drug
and it affects you where you can't function right
are so up close
that the big picture doesn't focus
and you're afraid that it won't come back
and you'll be one of those burned out husks
maybe that has never happened to you
maybe the use of "you" here is wrong
maybe that's only ever happened to "me"
but i woke up
with some ex-friend of mine
who wanted to get in touch with me again years ago
because, she said: she realized i had always felt like her soulmate
apparently some people think of that as a friend thing
(as opposed to a friend/lover thing)
but the lover part is important to me
and i have heard women talk about their best friends this way before
and she was my best friend for a while
but i never felt that way about her
and it made me wonder if there's something wrong with me
i'm not sure i can explain that
but i'll try:
it's like people soak in to the bottom of my surface layer
and think they've plumed the depths of my soul
maybe that makes me closed off
although
i don't feel closed off
but anyway
i don't think i'm adequately explaining
in the dream
i was playing this computer game
and i was running scenarios through my head or something
and i had some big important realization
(which, of course, inconveniently enough, i can now not remember)
but something like how i need to recombine
the character was a male
and i need to create or register or something a female character
and charlotte fills out the form for me
really fast
with characters that are like those modified ones
that one uses with a stylus
like the "F" for female looks like an upside down "L"
and i don't know why that is important
but i'm sitting naked by the window
and i'm looking at a bottle of lotion on the table
and suddenly
all i want to do is masturbate
wonder if the bottom of the bottle is too squared
for comfortable insertion
i consider an empty coke bottle
and i wonder to myself:
have i lost important muscle tone in the last two years
is it actually possible to forget how
my dreams have all been strange
picnics in parks within amusement parks
with paddle boats and morphing lava lamp blobs
with young men sporting beatle haircuts
but situationally
maybe more like a monkees episode
(at least insofar as i can remember)
signs which would just pop up:
watch for falling objects
walking through the mountain pass of caves
to come out at a chinese theater
door attendant painted up
beestung lips and cateye liner
like it's all one big popquiz
but
it doesn't seem like it's telling me anything
and
i'm not getting any rest
because i'm spending so much time
trying to decipher where it's all coming from
it's weird
it's like sleeping in stew
and then last night
i was playing a computer virtual world game
creating characters
in more or less believable worlds
meeting other people
who had created characters
but
it was like a character head icon
branching out in a web
and then another head
with a few shoots
and there was something that i liked in one
and something in another
and somehow, overall, it was not good
but i can't remember why
i've got to be working on something
pretty intense
and i don't enjoy these dreams at all
but i really want to see
what i'm creating here
or maybe
my brain is broken
but i don't really believe that
i have to believe that it's shuffling through things
for some reason
only i'm worried
like when you take some drug
and it affects you where you can't function right
are so up close
that the big picture doesn't focus
and you're afraid that it won't come back
and you'll be one of those burned out husks
maybe that has never happened to you
maybe the use of "you" here is wrong
maybe that's only ever happened to "me"
but i woke up
with some ex-friend of mine
who wanted to get in touch with me again years ago
because, she said: she realized i had always felt like her soulmate
apparently some people think of that as a friend thing
(as opposed to a friend/lover thing)
but the lover part is important to me
and i have heard women talk about their best friends this way before
and she was my best friend for a while
but i never felt that way about her
and it made me wonder if there's something wrong with me
i'm not sure i can explain that
but i'll try:
it's like people soak in to the bottom of my surface layer
and think they've plumed the depths of my soul
maybe that makes me closed off
although
i don't feel closed off
but anyway
i don't think i'm adequately explaining
in the dream
i was playing this computer game
and i was running scenarios through my head or something
and i had some big important realization
(which, of course, inconveniently enough, i can now not remember)
but something like how i need to recombine
the character was a male
and i need to create or register or something a female character
and charlotte fills out the form for me
really fast
with characters that are like those modified ones
that one uses with a stylus
like the "F" for female looks like an upside down "L"
and i don't know why that is important
but i'm sitting naked by the window
and i'm looking at a bottle of lotion on the table
and suddenly
all i want to do is masturbate
wonder if the bottom of the bottle is too squared
for comfortable insertion
i consider an empty coke bottle
and i wonder to myself:
have i lost important muscle tone in the last two years
is it actually possible to forget how
Saturday, June 12, 2010
ok so last night i dreamed about a desert motel with a $350 a night painting suite
i'm sorry i never came back to finish this
both because
now it's really hard to remember
and because
i found it a fascinating dream
i tried to do some research
but
it just didn't help me remember
any better
in the dream
i was staying at this motel
which was famous
for being used in some television show
i had these lucid moments in the dream
where i tried and tried to figure out which one
swinging from love american style (watched at 5) to SNL
but i think it might have only been
in the dream framework itself
that it was used in a television show
the history of the place kept rolling over in layers
and at one point i thought it might even be
the joshua tree inn or something
except
they kept saying it was in phoenix
that's why it had been found for the show
because everyone goes through phoenix
and the wallpaper was
some tripadellic 1970's organic metallic mylar
i couldn't get enough of it
and i wasn't in just the one suite
or just one person
for that matter
it was like beeing steeped in the juice of the motel
but that painting suite was huge
and slightly ramshackle
as most paining spaces i've seen tend to be
and the paint was in this octagonal fish tank
modified to contain the paint in a multi layered rack
it's hard to describe
in a way that makes it sound
like it was
both because
now it's really hard to remember
and because
i found it a fascinating dream
i tried to do some research
but
it just didn't help me remember
any better
in the dream
i was staying at this motel
which was famous
for being used in some television show
i had these lucid moments in the dream
where i tried and tried to figure out which one
swinging from love american style (watched at 5) to SNL
but i think it might have only been
in the dream framework itself
that it was used in a television show
the history of the place kept rolling over in layers
and at one point i thought it might even be
the joshua tree inn or something
except
they kept saying it was in phoenix
that's why it had been found for the show
because everyone goes through phoenix
and the wallpaper was
some tripadellic 1970's organic metallic mylar
i couldn't get enough of it
and i wasn't in just the one suite
or just one person
for that matter
it was like beeing steeped in the juice of the motel
but that painting suite was huge
and slightly ramshackle
as most paining spaces i've seen tend to be
and the paint was in this octagonal fish tank
modified to contain the paint in a multi layered rack
it's hard to describe
in a way that makes it sound
like it was
Friday, June 11, 2010
it was some sort of a squash festival with a cookbook by barthelme (who i've never read)
there was dream before
something about the small shops
in town
and an antique store
that used curtains to particularly nice effect
as a stylistic device of the storefront
but then
outside
there were
like maybe by the hundreds
ceramic casseroles tureens what-have-you, pots
all hand constructed
some
solid colored
some
painted with ever so slightly day-of-the-dead-ish designs
swimming with beautiful fleshy spicy pumpkin dishes
stacked
one upon another
distractingly beautiful
the saucy dishes
and then i looked down
and saw
a kid glove leather soft
hand tooled
book
with three leather
folders inside
containing hand written cards
written by barthelme
which i assume means donald barthelme
which i though was odd
since i've never read him
but after i woke up
i started to think about it
and
naturally i'll start reading him
but
i did think of some connections
when i was in german 1501
we had to write a journal in german
and, i mean, i wasn't going to keep a personal journal
for what's-his-name the german grad student to read
and one of the things i wrote
quite in the spirit of aschenputtel, i thought
was a fairy tale about a young beautiful girl
her family was poor
very very poor
but, naturally, she was destined for fame
so
since there wasn't enough money to buy food
she did the only thing one could be expected to do
she cannibalized her less attractive siblings
and eventually
her parents as well
which was fine
until
on the brink of winning the miss america contest
the judges discovered her little ethical issue
and wanted to
disqualify her
i think i'm getting this right
until she did a little one on one explaining
with each and every judge
at which point
to a man
they came to understand
that her actions
had been
as american as apple pie, etc.
and gave her the crown... here she comes, etc.
well, to this my grad student seeks me out personally
and says:
that was a very rude fairy tale
whatever
fast forward to german 2301
i've moved on
to describing how i spent the weekend
in a brazilian hotel with my lover paolo
listening to the sound of the sea washing in the window
my fingers entwined in his curls
but my grad student was in another class with me
and he's in some other class
in which he's reading snow white by barthelme
and he keeps asking me questions
about word meaning
and i'm telling him:
it seems to me, completely out of context, that he's playing with language
i think, maybe, you shouldn't be focusing quite as literally as you are
and i think you need to talk with someone who's actually reading it
or maybe read what others say about it
and, i mean, barthelme had a sort of god-like status
where i went to college
when i was in a creative writing class
the guy who was teaching the class
wanted to be barthelme, i think
he kept telling us:
you need to write thenewyorkerstory, no genre crap
(i was nineteen and had no idea what that meant, but whatever)
and then, he read us one of his stories
at the end of the semester
and it was
well, i read some barthelme today
not barthelme, not by half
but even not really knowing what he was going for
he was not a man i found attractive
i have to start with that, because
all semester
i found myself staring at his crotch
and i could never figure out why
the class was at the jcc
in the eveningtime vacated galleries
of crayola and macaroni masterpieces
until we finally
graduated to middle-school sized chairs
and i was so terrified before we were going to discuss
my stories
that i got drunk before i went to class
on strawberry daiquiris
if i remember correctly
and then his story
was about the time just after a hurricane
drinking warm margaritas
swimming in the pool filled with debris
just to attempt to stay cool
just stuff
but it didn't say anything
i had more or less been through that
yet
i found his story
turgid
plain
but
turgid
something about the small shops
in town
and an antique store
that used curtains to particularly nice effect
as a stylistic device of the storefront
but then
outside
there were
like maybe by the hundreds
ceramic casseroles tureens what-have-you, pots
all hand constructed
some
solid colored
some
painted with ever so slightly day-of-the-dead-ish designs
swimming with beautiful fleshy spicy pumpkin dishes
stacked
one upon another
distractingly beautiful
the saucy dishes
and then i looked down
and saw
a kid glove leather soft
hand tooled
book
with three leather
folders inside
containing hand written cards
written by barthelme
which i assume means donald barthelme
which i though was odd
since i've never read him
but after i woke up
i started to think about it
and
naturally i'll start reading him
but
i did think of some connections
when i was in german 1501
we had to write a journal in german
and, i mean, i wasn't going to keep a personal journal
for what's-his-name the german grad student to read
and one of the things i wrote
quite in the spirit of aschenputtel, i thought
was a fairy tale about a young beautiful girl
her family was poor
very very poor
but, naturally, she was destined for fame
so
since there wasn't enough money to buy food
she did the only thing one could be expected to do
she cannibalized her less attractive siblings
and eventually
her parents as well
which was fine
until
on the brink of winning the miss america contest
the judges discovered her little ethical issue
and wanted to
disqualify her
i think i'm getting this right
until she did a little one on one explaining
with each and every judge
at which point
to a man
they came to understand
that her actions
had been
as american as apple pie, etc.
and gave her the crown... here she comes, etc.
well, to this my grad student seeks me out personally
and says:
that was a very rude fairy tale
whatever
fast forward to german 2301
i've moved on
to describing how i spent the weekend
in a brazilian hotel with my lover paolo
listening to the sound of the sea washing in the window
my fingers entwined in his curls
but my grad student was in another class with me
and he's in some other class
in which he's reading snow white by barthelme
and he keeps asking me questions
about word meaning
and i'm telling him:
it seems to me, completely out of context, that he's playing with language
i think, maybe, you shouldn't be focusing quite as literally as you are
and i think you need to talk with someone who's actually reading it
or maybe read what others say about it
and, i mean, barthelme had a sort of god-like status
where i went to college
when i was in a creative writing class
the guy who was teaching the class
wanted to be barthelme, i think
he kept telling us:
you need to write thenewyorkerstory, no genre crap
(i was nineteen and had no idea what that meant, but whatever)
and then, he read us one of his stories
at the end of the semester
and it was
well, i read some barthelme today
not barthelme, not by half
but even not really knowing what he was going for
he was not a man i found attractive
i have to start with that, because
all semester
i found myself staring at his crotch
and i could never figure out why
the class was at the jcc
in the eveningtime vacated galleries
of crayola and macaroni masterpieces
until we finally
graduated to middle-school sized chairs
and i was so terrified before we were going to discuss
my stories
that i got drunk before i went to class
on strawberry daiquiris
if i remember correctly
and then his story
was about the time just after a hurricane
drinking warm margaritas
swimming in the pool filled with debris
just to attempt to stay cool
just stuff
but it didn't say anything
i had more or less been through that
yet
i found his story
turgid
plain
but
turgid
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
unknown structure
i was in a concrete building
there was no electrical lighting
only the light from outside
coming in
i was mopping
with one of those
old school
looping mop head mops
the floor was wet
it reminded me of
camping or the zoo
restrooms
but it might have been something else
and
in fact
it turned out to be
because
as i was mopping
i almost swept a stack of what i thought might be
well, some form of weed-like plant litter
into the floor drain
but i didn't
because
i have this sort of
nothing is trash until you double check
sort of attitude
so
before i summarily swept it into the drain
i checked
and it was amaranth
and there were also stacks of tiny jewel-toned ears of corn
then i took two bags from the wall
each
brightly colored
each
something i hadn't really been aware was even there before
one
more for carrying
one
designed to fold out on the ground
a sort of travelling platter
and i packed up the grains
and i walked out
into the bright
bright
sun
there was no electrical lighting
only the light from outside
coming in
i was mopping
with one of those
old school
looping mop head mops
the floor was wet
it reminded me of
camping or the zoo
restrooms
but it might have been something else
and
in fact
it turned out to be
because
as i was mopping
i almost swept a stack of what i thought might be
well, some form of weed-like plant litter
into the floor drain
but i didn't
because
i have this sort of
nothing is trash until you double check
sort of attitude
so
before i summarily swept it into the drain
i checked
and it was amaranth
and there were also stacks of tiny jewel-toned ears of corn
then i took two bags from the wall
each
brightly colored
each
something i hadn't really been aware was even there before
one
more for carrying
one
designed to fold out on the ground
a sort of travelling platter
and i packed up the grains
and i walked out
into the bright
bright
sun
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
i was talking to my pawpaw in the kitchen
i was cleaning the cabinets
for my grangran
i was wiping them with a sponge
graphically wiping roach shit from the corners
roaches
she and i both hated them
we live in a swamp, she'd say, there's no getting rid of them
but she wasn't there
just my pawpaw
in the dream
i'm thinking
i never really did this kind of thing for her
there's something
satisfying about it
something grown up
i don't know
and i'm washing the sponge
after every wipe
trying to remove every little pepper sized speck of shit
and then
then
i'm removing the cabinetry
scrubbing it
under running water
because
if it's gonna be clean
i want it clean
i can do that
but then
then there's a hose
that's somehow broken loose
water is getting on the floor
making a mess
and my pawpaw says:
leave it for now
i gotta fix that
or something like that
but somehow
it seems
like we've said more than that
and maybe there's a hole in the floor
i don't know
but i feel really right
there with him
like i know him
as an adult
which i never did
and
i mean
would i have
if he had lived
and i had been an adult
or would i have always been a child with him
in a way
in fact
this relationship i seem to have with him now
seems more real to me
and
if he killed himself
i get it
even though the chemo was working
and it was beautifully done
plausible deniability
would i have liked him
if i had known him as a wildcatter
some of this i'm thinking now
more than specifically in the dream
what was your father's name
did you really not know it
are you standing
as you
or do you stand
as ancestor
i'm just asking
i'm good either way
for my grangran
i was wiping them with a sponge
graphically wiping roach shit from the corners
roaches
she and i both hated them
we live in a swamp, she'd say, there's no getting rid of them
but she wasn't there
just my pawpaw
in the dream
i'm thinking
i never really did this kind of thing for her
there's something
satisfying about it
something grown up
i don't know
and i'm washing the sponge
after every wipe
trying to remove every little pepper sized speck of shit
and then
then
i'm removing the cabinetry
scrubbing it
under running water
because
if it's gonna be clean
i want it clean
i can do that
but then
then there's a hose
that's somehow broken loose
water is getting on the floor
making a mess
and my pawpaw says:
leave it for now
i gotta fix that
or something like that
but somehow
it seems
like we've said more than that
and maybe there's a hole in the floor
i don't know
but i feel really right
there with him
like i know him
as an adult
which i never did
and
i mean
would i have
if he had lived
and i had been an adult
or would i have always been a child with him
in a way
in fact
this relationship i seem to have with him now
seems more real to me
and
if he killed himself
i get it
even though the chemo was working
and it was beautifully done
plausible deniability
would i have liked him
if i had known him as a wildcatter
some of this i'm thinking now
more than specifically in the dream
what was your father's name
did you really not know it
are you standing
as you
or do you stand
as ancestor
i'm just asking
i'm good either way
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
what do you think it means when you dream of big white manta rays called visitors
so
i was standing in the surf
and david wolfe was showing me
i guess they were bamboo roots
maybe
like these really amazing things
i have a bong made out of one
and i just recently saw
what i think was an old chinese opium pipe made from one
but he was showing me how to cut them
and get food from them
and then i saw the rays
and they probably weren't really mantas
they weren't that big
and they were rounder
and i lay down in the water
floating on my back
and they swam up to me
but
you know they look more like they're flying
so i was in the middle
and one flew up to me
i mean
one on each side of me
slightly over me
at the surface of the water
they overlapped me
and something
some energy
shot into me
binding
joining
in some way
that continued
beyond the physical
and there was more
there was something
about
about body heat
about one hundred degrees
but i can't remember
it doesn't make sense to me
and he said:
you've been touched by the visitors
i was standing in the surf
and david wolfe was showing me
i guess they were bamboo roots
maybe
like these really amazing things
i have a bong made out of one
and i just recently saw
what i think was an old chinese opium pipe made from one
but he was showing me how to cut them
and get food from them
and then i saw the rays
and they probably weren't really mantas
they weren't that big
and they were rounder
and i lay down in the water
floating on my back
and they swam up to me
but
you know they look more like they're flying
so i was in the middle
and one flew up to me
i mean
one on each side of me
slightly over me
at the surface of the water
they overlapped me
and something
some energy
shot into me
binding
joining
in some way
that continued
beyond the physical
and there was more
there was something
about
about body heat
about one hundred degrees
but i can't remember
it doesn't make sense to me
and he said:
you've been touched by the visitors
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
last night i woke up in the middle of the night & wrote down my dream so it's like two night's in one
the first
i was sitting in a lake
around me were signs
signs with beautiful pictures of mountain sunsets
moving pictures
and i was happy and peaceful in the lake
but then i realized that i couldn't see
what was beneath the surface
and i started to get scared
but there was a tibetan monk there next to me
he was still and placid above the water
but beneath the water
his feet were a frenzy of motion
catching fish with his toes
i got out of the lake
and i was in a small town
the center of all activity seemed to be the clubhouse
and everyone kept their clothes
there at the clubhouse
but there didn't seem to be a spare closet for me
so i walked up and down the room
which was sort of like a locker room
in that it had long benches down either side
but it wasn't segregated by sex
some people were complaining that they were missing something
accusing others of stealing their things
but it didn't seem very serious
and then there was this woman
she was wearing a red transparent skirt
she was shaved
and kind of scary
and the skirt was attached to her mons with double-sided tape
then on the other side of the room
a man negotiated space for one hanger
which held his special ties
i noticed
that they all seemed to have secret shortcuts
in and out of the clubhouse
everything cut through there somehow
i went outside
and i saw this guy somehow through the building
he looked a little like warren zevon
but then i realized it was this guy i knew from the bookstore
who i hadn't even realized looked anything like warren zevon
and what was yet another person from so long ago doing in my dreams
we were sort of friends
he had been a communications major
a dj at his college
which was some small private liberal arts college
which i can't remember the name
and, he claimed, he had worked as a gigolo
anyway
i found out over time
that he had a weird thing
which i find deeply disturbing
it's a confused sexual identity
paired with a sort of nazi fetishism
not like a neo-nazi thing
more like the uniforms and accoutrement
but still
crawling flesh yuck
so him i'm seeing through the windows
the second
my stepfather was a different guy
he was, i don't know, clint eastwood or something
i was a teenager
and he was cool in his black leather hat
i had a stepbrother who looked like sean
this guy i used to know who i always found attractive
and i'm all like totally:
you know i'm your favorite
which seems very flirty
i mean, i can be flirty
but it's usually more broadly friendly
than aggressive
but it was kind of a family joke, somehow
then i went to the coffee house
i was going to do a promotion with j
for free if they would just let me do it
and then r says they only give a three cent employee discount
and i can't remember anymore what the discount was
and the manager starts asking me questions
from the training guide
which they've changed
so i don't know the new answers
so he walks the path of the ginger vase with me
and he asks me:
can you think of anything else that blooms
as we walk into the break room
and i say:
don't talk to me like i'm five years old
and this guy sitting in the break room
starts telling me:
you're an intelligent woman
but you have a sharp tongue
and men don't like that, honey
you need to be
like the spoon in the glass of water
what does that mean
and i start to turn to ask him
and i'm like:
taylor griffith (another guy from the book store)
is that you
and he doesn't remember me
so what do i remember about taylor
he was a razorback
he was one of two people i worked with from arkansas
one north, one south, i can't remember who was who
and they were constantly bickering about
which half of the state were hillbillies
he marginally knew mary steenbergen
he was a teacher (maybe english, not sure)
and this was his second job
and, in the dream, he had been in the movie princess bride
and there was this whole new section
which i found myself caught inside
this knight said:
be careful
he'll drop his tricks on you now
and he was dropping these banners
which would flutter and fall on me
and they had pellets of acid
or small landmines
embedded in the cloth
and i was trying to keep them from touching me
and i just thought
that book store closed recently
so maybe i'm thinking about it
and maybe that explains why the parade of characters
but why these guys i don't know
i mean, i don't think i could have recalled taylor under torture
steve and kelley and maggie all spring immediately to mind
but i can't remember their last names
i'm not sure why my brain is doing this stuff
why is it important to remember what i'm remembering
i was sitting in a lake
around me were signs
signs with beautiful pictures of mountain sunsets
moving pictures
and i was happy and peaceful in the lake
but then i realized that i couldn't see
what was beneath the surface
and i started to get scared
but there was a tibetan monk there next to me
he was still and placid above the water
but beneath the water
his feet were a frenzy of motion
catching fish with his toes
i got out of the lake
and i was in a small town
the center of all activity seemed to be the clubhouse
and everyone kept their clothes
there at the clubhouse
but there didn't seem to be a spare closet for me
so i walked up and down the room
which was sort of like a locker room
in that it had long benches down either side
but it wasn't segregated by sex
some people were complaining that they were missing something
accusing others of stealing their things
but it didn't seem very serious
and then there was this woman
she was wearing a red transparent skirt
she was shaved
and kind of scary
and the skirt was attached to her mons with double-sided tape
then on the other side of the room
a man negotiated space for one hanger
which held his special ties
i noticed
that they all seemed to have secret shortcuts
in and out of the clubhouse
everything cut through there somehow
i went outside
and i saw this guy somehow through the building
he looked a little like warren zevon
but then i realized it was this guy i knew from the bookstore
who i hadn't even realized looked anything like warren zevon
and what was yet another person from so long ago doing in my dreams
we were sort of friends
he had been a communications major
a dj at his college
which was some small private liberal arts college
which i can't remember the name
and, he claimed, he had worked as a gigolo
anyway
i found out over time
that he had a weird thing
which i find deeply disturbing
it's a confused sexual identity
paired with a sort of nazi fetishism
not like a neo-nazi thing
more like the uniforms and accoutrement
but still
crawling flesh yuck
so him i'm seeing through the windows
the second
my stepfather was a different guy
he was, i don't know, clint eastwood or something
i was a teenager
and he was cool in his black leather hat
i had a stepbrother who looked like sean
this guy i used to know who i always found attractive
and i'm all like totally:
you know i'm your favorite
which seems very flirty
i mean, i can be flirty
but it's usually more broadly friendly
than aggressive
but it was kind of a family joke, somehow
then i went to the coffee house
i was going to do a promotion with j
for free if they would just let me do it
and then r says they only give a three cent employee discount
and i can't remember anymore what the discount was
and the manager starts asking me questions
from the training guide
which they've changed
so i don't know the new answers
so he walks the path of the ginger vase with me
and he asks me:
can you think of anything else that blooms
as we walk into the break room
and i say:
don't talk to me like i'm five years old
and this guy sitting in the break room
starts telling me:
you're an intelligent woman
but you have a sharp tongue
and men don't like that, honey
you need to be
like the spoon in the glass of water
what does that mean
and i start to turn to ask him
and i'm like:
taylor griffith (another guy from the book store)
is that you
and he doesn't remember me
so what do i remember about taylor
he was a razorback
he was one of two people i worked with from arkansas
one north, one south, i can't remember who was who
and they were constantly bickering about
which half of the state were hillbillies
he marginally knew mary steenbergen
he was a teacher (maybe english, not sure)
and this was his second job
and, in the dream, he had been in the movie princess bride
and there was this whole new section
which i found myself caught inside
this knight said:
be careful
he'll drop his tricks on you now
and he was dropping these banners
which would flutter and fall on me
and they had pellets of acid
or small landmines
embedded in the cloth
and i was trying to keep them from touching me
and i just thought
that book store closed recently
so maybe i'm thinking about it
and maybe that explains why the parade of characters
but why these guys i don't know
i mean, i don't think i could have recalled taylor under torture
steve and kelley and maggie all spring immediately to mind
but i can't remember their last names
i'm not sure why my brain is doing this stuff
why is it important to remember what i'm remembering
Monday, May 10, 2010
i can't remeber last night, but the night before...
i dreamed
i was a teenager
i was living with my father and stepmother
i was pregnant
but nobody knew
and i was hanging out at the swimming pool
i had this floatation device
fastened tight around my hips
which reminded me of those bands
the kind they have for pregnant women
so they can wear normal clothes
instead of big old mu mus
and i don't know why i'm dreaming about that
any of it
and i don't know whose baby it was
although
i was a little uncomfortable with the questioning
contextually
and my father
he took me around
showed me his place
he had an awful lot of furniture
asian maybe antiques
i can't tell real from fake or ages
so i don't know
and maybe that
was because i was in a store like that
last saturday
when i went to an outdoor market
and the bathroom
was in the back of the asian furniture store
at the market
i got my fortune told
a love and destiny reading
which she was looking up in a book
which was weird
but she's more of an astrologer
and i don't know how much i believe in astrology, really
but
some planetary thing
my next "good" marriage year is when i'm 49
apparently 12 and 31 were my last two "good" windows
and, for some reason, i find that funny
my father, who thought he was in communication with spirits
but i just thought he was crazy
even though i do believe in that kind of thing, sort of
he said i would marry late in life
and i was like:
well, duh, i'm already 24
like if i had managed to escape it that far
what was ever gonna catch me
which seems bizarre to me now
but i think i felt older then, somehow
so maybe
this dream
was just one of those ones
where a bunch of things from your day
connect
mix up
reform
to make a dream
that isn't really telling you anything at all
or maybe
it is telling me something
or maybe
synchronicity
has reached some sort of critical mass
where i'm just pulling what i want to hear to me
like some giant magnet in the law of attraction land
i was a teenager
i was living with my father and stepmother
i was pregnant
but nobody knew
and i was hanging out at the swimming pool
i had this floatation device
fastened tight around my hips
which reminded me of those bands
the kind they have for pregnant women
so they can wear normal clothes
instead of big old mu mus
and i don't know why i'm dreaming about that
any of it
and i don't know whose baby it was
although
i was a little uncomfortable with the questioning
contextually
and my father
he took me around
showed me his place
he had an awful lot of furniture
asian maybe antiques
i can't tell real from fake or ages
so i don't know
and maybe that
was because i was in a store like that
last saturday
when i went to an outdoor market
and the bathroom
was in the back of the asian furniture store
at the market
i got my fortune told
a love and destiny reading
which she was looking up in a book
which was weird
but she's more of an astrologer
and i don't know how much i believe in astrology, really
but
some planetary thing
my next "good" marriage year is when i'm 49
apparently 12 and 31 were my last two "good" windows
and, for some reason, i find that funny
my father, who thought he was in communication with spirits
but i just thought he was crazy
even though i do believe in that kind of thing, sort of
he said i would marry late in life
and i was like:
well, duh, i'm already 24
like if i had managed to escape it that far
what was ever gonna catch me
which seems bizarre to me now
but i think i felt older then, somehow
so maybe
this dream
was just one of those ones
where a bunch of things from your day
connect
mix up
reform
to make a dream
that isn't really telling you anything at all
or maybe
it is telling me something
or maybe
synchronicity
has reached some sort of critical mass
where i'm just pulling what i want to hear to me
like some giant magnet in the law of attraction land
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
rose petal coffee, the E ticket, & i am the god of whirly-gig bugs
i was working for this guy
after i woke up
i realized it was an actual guy i used to work with/for
right after i graduated from high school
so then i was trying to think of what he represented
because i haven't thought of him in years
and we weren't best friends or anything
in the dream
i was bagging coffee for these people
and i was trying to find an open bag
or the right sized bag
or something
it was some special roast
guatemala
maybe french roast
and when i opened the bag
the coffee was full of beautiful bright red rose petals
and i think they were getting it for some holiday
tony dasher (the guy)
was someone i worked with at the book store
he was tall
he was gay
and i just don't know why i would be dreaming about him
he wasn't all that important in the absolute scheme of things
he did tell me once that:
five strange black men could walk into this room
and you would think i liked each and every one of them
better than i like you
which was, i think, his way of saying
that i had self esteem issues
and maybe i still do
why else would i dream of him
last night
i was in this mall
with this guy
who i'm pretty sure
i've never known
and he was much younger than me
i'm not sure if i was trying to make time with him or what
but i wasn't just especially attracted to him
but maybe the dream me was
because it did kinda seem like a date
and the ceiling had moving clouds
like some special effect
on a ride at disneyworld
and we were taking some kind of drug
and then i was driving
and the wheels on the right side kept slipping
off the edge of the ravine
but i was kinda bumping along behind the other cars
like it was some great e-ticket thrill ride
then i was in this room
maybe underground
and maybe it was more than one room
or there were arches and alcoves and such, anyway
i walked up to this thing
i'm not sure what to call it
if you've ever seen a big mishmash of old tray type on a table
like people collected back in the 1970s, remember
well, kinda like that, but not quite
because it was animated, maybe
like the typewriter in the movie naked lunch
so i lay my fingers over it
press on parts of it
and suddenly
up springs this whirly-gig insectoid
that i have created with my impressions on the type
that's all i can remember
after i woke up
i realized it was an actual guy i used to work with/for
right after i graduated from high school
so then i was trying to think of what he represented
because i haven't thought of him in years
and we weren't best friends or anything
in the dream
i was bagging coffee for these people
and i was trying to find an open bag
or the right sized bag
or something
it was some special roast
guatemala
maybe french roast
and when i opened the bag
the coffee was full of beautiful bright red rose petals
and i think they were getting it for some holiday
tony dasher (the guy)
was someone i worked with at the book store
he was tall
he was gay
and i just don't know why i would be dreaming about him
he wasn't all that important in the absolute scheme of things
he did tell me once that:
five strange black men could walk into this room
and you would think i liked each and every one of them
better than i like you
which was, i think, his way of saying
that i had self esteem issues
and maybe i still do
why else would i dream of him
last night
i was in this mall
with this guy
who i'm pretty sure
i've never known
and he was much younger than me
i'm not sure if i was trying to make time with him or what
but i wasn't just especially attracted to him
but maybe the dream me was
because it did kinda seem like a date
and the ceiling had moving clouds
like some special effect
on a ride at disneyworld
and we were taking some kind of drug
and then i was driving
and the wheels on the right side kept slipping
off the edge of the ravine
but i was kinda bumping along behind the other cars
like it was some great e-ticket thrill ride
then i was in this room
maybe underground
and maybe it was more than one room
or there were arches and alcoves and such, anyway
i walked up to this thing
i'm not sure what to call it
if you've ever seen a big mishmash of old tray type on a table
like people collected back in the 1970s, remember
well, kinda like that, but not quite
because it was animated, maybe
like the typewriter in the movie naked lunch
so i lay my fingers over it
press on parts of it
and suddenly
up springs this whirly-gig insectoid
that i have created with my impressions on the type
that's all i can remember
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
for the last week at least
i have been having these
really densely packed dreams
lots of symbolism
lots of information
weird and new
but
when i wake up
i can't remember them
for long enough
to record them
now maybe
that's because
i'm working things out
and i don't want to know all the details
or maybe
there's some other reason
i know they are vaguely upsetting in some way
as i'm waking up
i'm always thinking:
wow, i really need to think about that
now
i can still remember fragments
from last night's dream
so i'm trying to get them down, now
i'm not sure what order these things were in the dream
and i'm not sure if it matters
but here goes
the first thing i remember was i got a job as a waitress
but there was something odd about it
i was in a team with three other people
all of whom i knew from before
like maybe
the waitress thing was a cover job
and i was away somewhere
so my grandfather had to get my uniform for me
and i was worried that it wouldn't fit right
but it did
it was a dress
and that, at first, made me worry that it would be too short
especially since it had a vaguely cheerleaderish skirt
(like big box pleats)
but, in fact, it came to just below the knee
so not too bad
but it was white
so then i looked at what the rest of my group was wearing
the guys had black pants and jackets
the other girl had khaki pants and like a long sleeved
whatever you call those pullover izod-type shirts
so, i didn't like her get-up better
but my immediate reaction:
why am i the only one pants-less
and that's all i remember of that bit
there was another section
i'm in a language class
but i can't tell what the language is
and the instructor
there's something she really likes about the way i translate
but i'm not actually getting it right
which i don't really understand
if it's wrong
then what's so charming or whatever about it
and i'm talking to guys
who remind me of guys i knew in college
maybe a little bit like peter pfeiffer
(herr professor doktor)
who populated many many fantasies
circa 1990
the youngest absent-minded professor there ever was
with a wife who never spoke
who had actually lived for a few years in iowa
which i had not previously believed really existed
i mean, i know we see the primaries and all
but it always seemed such a strange place
exotic even
the whole midwest, really
that i didn't really believe it was there
until i had an eye witness
that's all i can remember from that part
in the last bit i remember
i was working on building a booth
for a huge outdoor festival
there were different sections
each a big loop
and this car drove up the road
and right down the dirt pathway
to the construction site
and i ran after their car screaming:
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
finally i got their attention
and they stopped
you can't park here, i said, this area
this area is restricted to exhibitors
well, where am i supposed to park
says the driver/dad with a family full car
the only place in this area is the last entry
the one you just passed before this one, i say
but really it would be better to go back to the visitor's parking
you'll have better access there
no, he says, we want to park here
and if you don't want me to
then you can just get in the car and show me where this other parking is
and then you'll bring me back here, i ask getting into the car
no, he says, you can walk back, starting up the car and pulling out
but i don't have time for that
and beside WTF
and it's starting to rain
so i jump out of the car
and roll away on the grass at the side of the road
i have no idea what to make of all that
but they've all been kinda something like that recently
but then i can't remember them
it's driving me nuts
really densely packed dreams
lots of symbolism
lots of information
weird and new
but
when i wake up
i can't remember them
for long enough
to record them
now maybe
that's because
i'm working things out
and i don't want to know all the details
or maybe
there's some other reason
i know they are vaguely upsetting in some way
as i'm waking up
i'm always thinking:
wow, i really need to think about that
now
i can still remember fragments
from last night's dream
so i'm trying to get them down, now
i'm not sure what order these things were in the dream
and i'm not sure if it matters
but here goes
the first thing i remember was i got a job as a waitress
but there was something odd about it
i was in a team with three other people
all of whom i knew from before
like maybe
the waitress thing was a cover job
and i was away somewhere
so my grandfather had to get my uniform for me
and i was worried that it wouldn't fit right
but it did
it was a dress
and that, at first, made me worry that it would be too short
especially since it had a vaguely cheerleaderish skirt
(like big box pleats)
but, in fact, it came to just below the knee
so not too bad
but it was white
so then i looked at what the rest of my group was wearing
the guys had black pants and jackets
the other girl had khaki pants and like a long sleeved
whatever you call those pullover izod-type shirts
so, i didn't like her get-up better
but my immediate reaction:
why am i the only one pants-less
and that's all i remember of that bit
there was another section
i'm in a language class
but i can't tell what the language is
and the instructor
there's something she really likes about the way i translate
but i'm not actually getting it right
which i don't really understand
if it's wrong
then what's so charming or whatever about it
and i'm talking to guys
who remind me of guys i knew in college
maybe a little bit like peter pfeiffer
(herr professor doktor)
who populated many many fantasies
circa 1990
the youngest absent-minded professor there ever was
with a wife who never spoke
who had actually lived for a few years in iowa
which i had not previously believed really existed
i mean, i know we see the primaries and all
but it always seemed such a strange place
exotic even
the whole midwest, really
that i didn't really believe it was there
until i had an eye witness
that's all i can remember from that part
in the last bit i remember
i was working on building a booth
for a huge outdoor festival
there were different sections
each a big loop
and this car drove up the road
and right down the dirt pathway
to the construction site
and i ran after their car screaming:
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
finally i got their attention
and they stopped
you can't park here, i said, this area
this area is restricted to exhibitors
well, where am i supposed to park
says the driver/dad with a family full car
the only place in this area is the last entry
the one you just passed before this one, i say
but really it would be better to go back to the visitor's parking
you'll have better access there
no, he says, we want to park here
and if you don't want me to
then you can just get in the car and show me where this other parking is
and then you'll bring me back here, i ask getting into the car
no, he says, you can walk back, starting up the car and pulling out
but i don't have time for that
and beside WTF
and it's starting to rain
so i jump out of the car
and roll away on the grass at the side of the road
i have no idea what to make of all that
but they've all been kinda something like that recently
but then i can't remember them
it's driving me nuts
Sunday, April 11, 2010
warning: graphic female content
i had been having that surging i told you about before
and, truthfully, i can't isolate the cause to one thing
but it seemed kinda out of place
in the absence of any direct stimuli
and by yesterday afternoon
it was so distracting
that i had to go take a shower
and i'm thinking:
wow
something i'm eating or taking as a supplement
is really revving things up
or some combination of things
but today
today i know exactly what it was
though still not why exactly
here's some girl-type background, sorry
i have always hated happy happy blood time
i thought it was a crappy deal when i was eleven
and i never really changed that attitude
but it always gave me a heads up before it started
from eleven until my mid-twenties i got an unexplained
pain in my lower back
i'd be like:
what did i lift
and then i'd be like:
oh, yeah, right
because even though it was always like uber regular
it's not like i was keeping track or anything
because i was pretending that
if i ignored it
it might go away
and, i'm sorry for the graphic detail, it was always 30 days
so it would be
most months
on the same numeric date
but i still needed the heads up-- go figure
well, in my mid-twenties, it changed
and i don't know how much you know about the female cycle
the hormones
but right before happy happy blood time
there is a BIG progesterone flood
which would trigger like ravenous sex drive
which became my new heads up
but some time after my little biological clock disappointments
the whole thing switched
it wasn't 30 days anymore
it was "irregular"
which it really wasn't but it took me years to figure that out
i'd expect it on day 30
it would be late
late enough that i'd worry
buy a pregnancy test
not be pregnant
then start
a couple days later
which when i bothered to check it out
was 40 days (still regular)
well, fewer periods were fine with me
great, in fact
that surging i was feeling
it was progesterone
today is day 32
and i just went back and read about hormones again
and it is possible
that i am not quite right about it
i distinctly remember
at the time
being convinced that it was progesterone
but, really, i don't care what it's called
it's responding
the way it did when i was like 25
and, truthfully, i can't isolate the cause to one thing
but it seemed kinda out of place
in the absence of any direct stimuli
and by yesterday afternoon
it was so distracting
that i had to go take a shower
and i'm thinking:
wow
something i'm eating or taking as a supplement
is really revving things up
or some combination of things
but today
today i know exactly what it was
though still not why exactly
here's some girl-type background, sorry
i have always hated happy happy blood time
i thought it was a crappy deal when i was eleven
and i never really changed that attitude
but it always gave me a heads up before it started
from eleven until my mid-twenties i got an unexplained
pain in my lower back
i'd be like:
what did i lift
and then i'd be like:
oh, yeah, right
because even though it was always like uber regular
it's not like i was keeping track or anything
because i was pretending that
if i ignored it
it might go away
and, i'm sorry for the graphic detail, it was always 30 days
so it would be
most months
on the same numeric date
but i still needed the heads up-- go figure
well, in my mid-twenties, it changed
and i don't know how much you know about the female cycle
the hormones
but right before happy happy blood time
there is a BIG progesterone flood
which would trigger like ravenous sex drive
which became my new heads up
but some time after my little biological clock disappointments
the whole thing switched
it wasn't 30 days anymore
it was "irregular"
which it really wasn't but it took me years to figure that out
i'd expect it on day 30
it would be late
late enough that i'd worry
buy a pregnancy test
not be pregnant
then start
a couple days later
which when i bothered to check it out
was 40 days (still regular)
well, fewer periods were fine with me
great, in fact
that surging i was feeling
it was progesterone
today is day 32
and i just went back and read about hormones again
and it is possible
that i am not quite right about it
i distinctly remember
at the time
being convinced that it was progesterone
but, really, i don't care what it's called
it's responding
the way it did when i was like 25
Saturday, April 10, 2010
i had a very strange dream last night which i'm trying to remember and write
this is not it
this is just some thoughts
related to it
for the last few days
i've had this
it's hard to explain
like, surging
very sexual in nature
which i used to get pretty regularly
but i haven't for a while
so i'm like reviewing everything i'm eating
for aphrodisiac properties
oh, wait, ok, i forgot about one
ok, holy crap
anyway
aside from the overtly sexual stuff in the dream
which seemed to be not so much about sex, exactly
there was this weirdly unsettling part
where people
are biting into
what look like
(but are not, actually)
baby heads
and getting these big long spiny fish
and eating them
and that part
that part was extremely sexual
and it's kinda freaking me out
so
ok
that part was actually in the dream
but there was more than just that
this is just some thoughts
related to it
for the last few days
i've had this
it's hard to explain
like, surging
very sexual in nature
which i used to get pretty regularly
but i haven't for a while
so i'm like reviewing everything i'm eating
for aphrodisiac properties
oh, wait, ok, i forgot about one
ok, holy crap
anyway
aside from the overtly sexual stuff in the dream
which seemed to be not so much about sex, exactly
there was this weirdly unsettling part
where people
are biting into
what look like
(but are not, actually)
baby heads
and getting these big long spiny fish
and eating them
and that part
that part was extremely sexual
and it's kinda freaking me out
so
ok
that part was actually in the dream
but there was more than just that
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
the key was jammed into the wood of the door
i had this dream
i was living in an apartment
in an old building that had been renovated
i had a roommate
and we were discussing how to change things
we had not just a vacuum and a carpet shampooer
but also two other devices that looked the same
and i hate the way those look sitting around
and in the dream i found a way to put them between the sofa and the wall
when in real life i do not have a sofa
there was much of that:
what pictures should go where type of thing
and then
i had an appointment with someone
i can't remember how i got the appointment
or just what the context was
but the place i had to go was in my same building
the door i was looking for
had a key-- like an old skeleton key-- jammed into the wood of the door
the apartment had not been renovated
it was amazing
the front room had records on shelves along one wall
and an odd assortment of collected items on a perpendicular wall
the ceiling was dropped in this area creating an alcove
perfect for sitting on the floor
then there was an iron frame bed
and a table with two chairs
but it was a pretty big room
then, on the right was a library or study
and on the left was a kitchen
with a stove that seemed like 1930s futurism
it curved
it had a hinged lid that lifted up
and it had a zillion jets of fire continually going
it looked a little like one of those giant 1930s automobiles
then there was the dining room
there was a steam table (also 1930s)
with a deep well of boiling hot water
i must not have seen the bathroom
the whole place was wood
wood floors, wood walls, wood shelves
the appliances were enamel over steel
i fell in love with the apartment
and then the guy showed up that i had the appointment with
he was very tall
and thin
and i think he was supernatural in some way
i know i knew a lot more about him
but i can't remember now
i started staying at his place
i think i was in love with him
but i know i was in love with his place
i would pick up his weird collection of objects
and make up stories in my head about how he acquired them
and then one day
this asian guy shows up
and really
it turns out to have been his place all along
he'd been letting the other guy use his place
but now he was back
and i was confused
because the place was so intimately connected to my feelings
i wasn't sure who i loved now
does that make sense
and the asian guy (sorry, don't know his name) he sat down
i was on the bed and he pulled the table around
so it was between the bed and his chair, distancing maybe
or maybe trying to be business-like
but, suddenly then, i had a thought:
you're him, aren't you, i asked
somehow you are the same person
even though you look completely different
even though you're telling me different
excuse me, he said, and went out into the hallway
and i heard him talking to someone:
she's going to figure it all out
she knows too much already
i was living in an apartment
in an old building that had been renovated
i had a roommate
and we were discussing how to change things
we had not just a vacuum and a carpet shampooer
but also two other devices that looked the same
and i hate the way those look sitting around
and in the dream i found a way to put them between the sofa and the wall
when in real life i do not have a sofa
there was much of that:
what pictures should go where type of thing
and then
i had an appointment with someone
i can't remember how i got the appointment
or just what the context was
but the place i had to go was in my same building
the door i was looking for
had a key-- like an old skeleton key-- jammed into the wood of the door
the apartment had not been renovated
it was amazing
the front room had records on shelves along one wall
and an odd assortment of collected items on a perpendicular wall
the ceiling was dropped in this area creating an alcove
perfect for sitting on the floor
then there was an iron frame bed
and a table with two chairs
but it was a pretty big room
then, on the right was a library or study
and on the left was a kitchen
with a stove that seemed like 1930s futurism
it curved
it had a hinged lid that lifted up
and it had a zillion jets of fire continually going
it looked a little like one of those giant 1930s automobiles
then there was the dining room
there was a steam table (also 1930s)
with a deep well of boiling hot water
i must not have seen the bathroom
the whole place was wood
wood floors, wood walls, wood shelves
the appliances were enamel over steel
i fell in love with the apartment
and then the guy showed up that i had the appointment with
he was very tall
and thin
and i think he was supernatural in some way
i know i knew a lot more about him
but i can't remember now
i started staying at his place
i think i was in love with him
but i know i was in love with his place
i would pick up his weird collection of objects
and make up stories in my head about how he acquired them
and then one day
this asian guy shows up
and really
it turns out to have been his place all along
he'd been letting the other guy use his place
but now he was back
and i was confused
because the place was so intimately connected to my feelings
i wasn't sure who i loved now
does that make sense
and the asian guy (sorry, don't know his name) he sat down
i was on the bed and he pulled the table around
so it was between the bed and his chair, distancing maybe
or maybe trying to be business-like
but, suddenly then, i had a thought:
you're him, aren't you, i asked
somehow you are the same person
even though you look completely different
even though you're telling me different
excuse me, he said, and went out into the hallway
and i heard him talking to someone:
she's going to figure it all out
she knows too much already
i smell plaid and paperwhites
in that dream nearly a week ago
i was talking to my cousin about tuberose
it's not actually a type of rose, i said
it's more like paperwhite but it doesn't smell as bad
i can't actually remember what tuberose smells like
but paperwhites smell that kinda sickly sweet smell
like when there's something rotting, at least to me
strangely there were silk flowers everywhere
but they looked really real
and she kept asking me
one by one
whether they were real or not
then
for some reason i felt my abdomen
and i could feel my ovaries
not in a realistic way
they were large and firm
they were a lot like a budding bulb
or some sort of sprouts
and my feeling at the time, in the dream
was that they were healthy and full
there was more to the dream
involving male members of my family
which i found disconcerting
but which i cannot now recall
and i wondered if perhaps i had misinterpreted
maybe it was a warning against tubal pregnancy (ectopic)
and i have since considered that
the last time i saw my cousin was right after
her daughter was born
so i don't really know what it meant
oh
and there was a masturbatory section to the dream as well
within the last few days
i dreamed some very complicated ceremony
with these druid dudes
and they kept giving in little by little
to something like the devil
but it was for the good
and i was supporting myself in a door frame
stretched in kind of an X
and finally
once they had done just enough ceremony
i was penetrated from behind
and then the toilet exploded
there was another
i was in a hotel room
with two other couples and a man i was with
we each had three pills: a pain pill, a sleeping pill, and something else
and the man asked me to get his pills for him
i said: i'm not sure i can walk
because i had already taken mine
but i got up and went to the counter
one of the women asked me to give her her cigarettes
the upper half of the wall was window
and as i walked by i looked out
there was water at the window level
it had rained so much it was flooding
i woke up
and i had a pinched nerve in my leg
and i thought: oh shit
and went back to sleep
when i woke up again it was back to normal
last night
i was following you around to different dances
but i never got to dance with you
i think there was a lot to that part but i don't remember
then i was at a concert
there were these two guys playing together
which they didn't, normally
one looked kinda like your uncle buddy
not my uncle buddy (who, come to think of it is actually my second cousin)
he's a six foot six private detective who was doing time for wire tapping and conspiracy to commit murder
anyway so the uncle buddy is the one who wrote the songs
and the younger guy is singing them with him
this one song
they are singing in rounds
and it's captivating me how differently the lyrics sound
the different meaning they each give just by tone and inflection
and suddenly i am seeing the lyrics
like i'm looking them up on the internet
but i am still in the theater
the bridge is in japanese
and i am wondering why this guy has japanese in his song
when suddenly he is sitting right next to me
he seems drunk
and i'm not sure if he's flirting with me or what
but he asks me three separate times like he can't remember that he asked before:
do you see those, do you know what they are, what do you think
pointing at these round things hanging from the ceiling
i do see them
at first i think they are lights or lanterns
but they are actually balloons
but i don't know what i'm supposed to think about them
so i say:
they seem to still have buoyancy
which then seems odd to say because they are hanging from the ceiling
not floating up to the ceiling
then, suddenly, the announcer is saying the show is over
and buddy is kinda pissed that he was out talking to me
he thought he was giving the other guy a chance
and that he was going right back
but now the show seems to be over
i am in the front row on the side, flanking the stage
so he just jumps up and gets right back on
and across the room i see you when you stand up
you've been sitting in the center section about half way back
i had no idea you were here but you saw me talking to buddy
and now you're leaving and i can't get to you
you have on this huge black and white plaid flannel shirt
open like a jacket over your t-shirt
it's kinda hanging on you artfully
and i think about how beautiful you are
and then you turn and walk away
i was talking to my cousin about tuberose
it's not actually a type of rose, i said
it's more like paperwhite but it doesn't smell as bad
i can't actually remember what tuberose smells like
but paperwhites smell that kinda sickly sweet smell
like when there's something rotting, at least to me
strangely there were silk flowers everywhere
but they looked really real
and she kept asking me
one by one
whether they were real or not
then
for some reason i felt my abdomen
and i could feel my ovaries
not in a realistic way
they were large and firm
they were a lot like a budding bulb
or some sort of sprouts
and my feeling at the time, in the dream
was that they were healthy and full
there was more to the dream
involving male members of my family
which i found disconcerting
but which i cannot now recall
and i wondered if perhaps i had misinterpreted
maybe it was a warning against tubal pregnancy (ectopic)
and i have since considered that
the last time i saw my cousin was right after
her daughter was born
so i don't really know what it meant
oh
and there was a masturbatory section to the dream as well
within the last few days
i dreamed some very complicated ceremony
with these druid dudes
and they kept giving in little by little
to something like the devil
but it was for the good
and i was supporting myself in a door frame
stretched in kind of an X
and finally
once they had done just enough ceremony
i was penetrated from behind
and then the toilet exploded
there was another
i was in a hotel room
with two other couples and a man i was with
we each had three pills: a pain pill, a sleeping pill, and something else
and the man asked me to get his pills for him
i said: i'm not sure i can walk
because i had already taken mine
but i got up and went to the counter
one of the women asked me to give her her cigarettes
the upper half of the wall was window
and as i walked by i looked out
there was water at the window level
it had rained so much it was flooding
i woke up
and i had a pinched nerve in my leg
and i thought: oh shit
and went back to sleep
when i woke up again it was back to normal
last night
i was following you around to different dances
but i never got to dance with you
i think there was a lot to that part but i don't remember
then i was at a concert
there were these two guys playing together
which they didn't, normally
one looked kinda like your uncle buddy
not my uncle buddy (who, come to think of it is actually my second cousin)
he's a six foot six private detective who was doing time for wire tapping and conspiracy to commit murder
anyway so the uncle buddy is the one who wrote the songs
and the younger guy is singing them with him
this one song
they are singing in rounds
and it's captivating me how differently the lyrics sound
the different meaning they each give just by tone and inflection
and suddenly i am seeing the lyrics
like i'm looking them up on the internet
but i am still in the theater
the bridge is in japanese
and i am wondering why this guy has japanese in his song
when suddenly he is sitting right next to me
he seems drunk
and i'm not sure if he's flirting with me or what
but he asks me three separate times like he can't remember that he asked before:
do you see those, do you know what they are, what do you think
pointing at these round things hanging from the ceiling
i do see them
at first i think they are lights or lanterns
but they are actually balloons
but i don't know what i'm supposed to think about them
so i say:
they seem to still have buoyancy
which then seems odd to say because they are hanging from the ceiling
not floating up to the ceiling
then, suddenly, the announcer is saying the show is over
and buddy is kinda pissed that he was out talking to me
he thought he was giving the other guy a chance
and that he was going right back
but now the show seems to be over
i am in the front row on the side, flanking the stage
so he just jumps up and gets right back on
and across the room i see you when you stand up
you've been sitting in the center section about half way back
i had no idea you were here but you saw me talking to buddy
and now you're leaving and i can't get to you
you have on this huge black and white plaid flannel shirt
open like a jacket over your t-shirt
it's kinda hanging on you artfully
and i think about how beautiful you are
and then you turn and walk away
Monday, March 15, 2010
this is not a dream, this is random information i feel the need to share, apparently
when i was like 24
i had one of those tests done
the kind that tells you how much of you
is bone and muscle and guts
(ie not fat)
which test i repeated about 4 years ago
with identical results
so i'm gonna say that's a constant for me
probably hasn't changed much
i have 155 pounds of bone and muscle and guts
which is a lot
for a girl
now
i'm not saying that my percentage fat isn't too high
i'm not saying i'm just big bone-ded
not at all
and
whenever i think of it
i think
what i'd like to do
is get down to 15 percent fat
that's like an athlete for a woman
(although, of course, some athletes are less)
but normal for a woman is like 20-30 percent
so
that means
my ideal weight
would be 178-180 pounds
and
if i wanted to be average
like a 10-12
i'd be 200 pounds
i had one of those tests done
the kind that tells you how much of you
is bone and muscle and guts
(ie not fat)
which test i repeated about 4 years ago
with identical results
so i'm gonna say that's a constant for me
probably hasn't changed much
i have 155 pounds of bone and muscle and guts
which is a lot
for a girl
now
i'm not saying that my percentage fat isn't too high
i'm not saying i'm just big bone-ded
not at all
and
whenever i think of it
i think
what i'd like to do
is get down to 15 percent fat
that's like an athlete for a woman
(although, of course, some athletes are less)
but normal for a woman is like 20-30 percent
so
that means
my ideal weight
would be 178-180 pounds
and
if i wanted to be average
like a 10-12
i'd be 200 pounds
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
thalia's ping-pong apple tree
it didn't occur to me just how strange that was
until you pointed it out to me:
only you
would meet new people at a reunion
you said after i was trying to describe them to you
they were like the graces
or some other mythological group
whose thing was embodiment
and i needed a hotel for the night
and now i was alone
except
for my cat
i fed him straw
and he bit down hard on the lush green grass
right in front of the motel door
and that's when i realized
that i was only wearing a long t-shirt
so i tugged it down
and went inside to get a room
had a long conversation with the desk clerk
can't really remember it
something, maybe, about soviet cold war spy technology
in the room
the television skid open
for cooking purposes, i think
but just mine apparently
the desk clerk watched me closely
by remote cameras
the other night
i dreamed about all this furniture
none of which stick with me long enough to tell
except
the ping pong table
it was amazing
it folded down
into this antique wicker side-table-sized screen
which reminded me
folded and unfolded
of a table that i realise now, i kinda miss
and i don't know why that's significant
it seems random
but it's too weird not to mean something
and they have this psychological test
where they have you draw a tree
and i found this drawing i did as a child
when i saw it
i remembered
that i always drew my trees that way
when i was a kid
big fluffy green tops
filled with round red apples
with a black hole in the trunk
but the black hole
it was lined in silver
and see
the black hole is supposed to mean damage
but i drew the hole
because something lived in the tree
and i had a vision
and they've been a little thin on the ground lately
it was like i had x-ray vision
i saw the thing living inside the apple tree
but i'm not sure it has anything to do with me
until you pointed it out to me:
only you
would meet new people at a reunion
you said after i was trying to describe them to you
they were like the graces
or some other mythological group
whose thing was embodiment
and i needed a hotel for the night
and now i was alone
except
for my cat
i fed him straw
and he bit down hard on the lush green grass
right in front of the motel door
and that's when i realized
that i was only wearing a long t-shirt
so i tugged it down
and went inside to get a room
had a long conversation with the desk clerk
can't really remember it
something, maybe, about soviet cold war spy technology
in the room
the television skid open
for cooking purposes, i think
but just mine apparently
the desk clerk watched me closely
by remote cameras
the other night
i dreamed about all this furniture
none of which stick with me long enough to tell
except
the ping pong table
it was amazing
it folded down
into this antique wicker side-table-sized screen
which reminded me
folded and unfolded
of a table that i realise now, i kinda miss
and i don't know why that's significant
it seems random
but it's too weird not to mean something
and they have this psychological test
where they have you draw a tree
and i found this drawing i did as a child
when i saw it
i remembered
that i always drew my trees that way
when i was a kid
big fluffy green tops
filled with round red apples
with a black hole in the trunk
but the black hole
it was lined in silver
and see
the black hole is supposed to mean damage
but i drew the hole
because something lived in the tree
and i had a vision
and they've been a little thin on the ground lately
it was like i had x-ray vision
i saw the thing living inside the apple tree
but i'm not sure it has anything to do with me
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
really different dreams
i dream, sometimes, about driving, or walking
through neighborhoods that i know, in the dream
but which do not correspond to actual waking places
and last night i was doing that, driving, then walking
through a neighborhood that was too good for me
by which i mean i could never afford to live there
but this time
i had an easel i was carrying
i was walking and stopping and painting
trees, mostly
but some archways and courtyards and such
i found this great view
i was painting happily
but i seemed to be partially in some one's kitchen
there were these men
and i wasn't really listening to them
wasn't involved in whatever it was they were doing in the kitchen
cooking or just hanging out and drinking, i think that was it
but one of them came over
and asked me to leave
i was kind of offended, but i did leave
then i walked some more
and i came to this pavilion kind of thing
there was a woman there who looked like someone
someone i should recognize (i.e. from television)
maybe a little like the woman who wasn't grace from will and grace
but not her, but like that, small nose, regular features
brown hair, blue eyes, nothing out of the ordinary
in fact, quite the opposite
someone rendered pretty by her very regularity
she was, she told me, a face model
an eye, a nose, an ear, a mouth, rarely all together
and she asked me:
what shape is your face dear, diamond
and i said, well, i would have said round, but maybe
and she said maybe i could be a hair model, but for sure
i needed to apply then and there to be a hand model
so i did
i had to write my information on a plastic sleeve
like a work order jacket
which i didn't understand at first
and i wrote on the guide form behind the plastic
the place was chanel no. 2
which doesn't exist (though 22 does)
and i've never worn chanel except cristalle briefly in the 70s
and it seemed certain that i would get the job, certain
why, if i'm referencing chanel, why not no. 5
surely that has significance
why the freaky application
and hand modelling
that is fairly loaded
i mean i like my hands now
but i used to think they were freakish
you would never notice
no one notices, ever
but i was born without some tendon in my ring fingers
so they don't (for all effects and purposes) have the final knuckle
i mean, it's there but it doesn't work
and so it isn't wrinkly
it made guitar very difficult
and i'm sure, if i boxed, it would get jammed
but for everyday life
not a big deal
except that, of course, it was a huge deal from like 11-13
and too, i never thought my hands looked grown
i always thought they looked like a little girl
so i guess, what i'm saying is:
i'm kinda surprised about the hand model thing
and i think it has to mean something, represent something
and why a bunch of men in the kitchen
and why kicking me out
and how did i end up there anyway, painting my trees
through neighborhoods that i know, in the dream
but which do not correspond to actual waking places
and last night i was doing that, driving, then walking
through a neighborhood that was too good for me
by which i mean i could never afford to live there
but this time
i had an easel i was carrying
i was walking and stopping and painting
trees, mostly
but some archways and courtyards and such
i found this great view
i was painting happily
but i seemed to be partially in some one's kitchen
there were these men
and i wasn't really listening to them
wasn't involved in whatever it was they were doing in the kitchen
cooking or just hanging out and drinking, i think that was it
but one of them came over
and asked me to leave
i was kind of offended, but i did leave
then i walked some more
and i came to this pavilion kind of thing
there was a woman there who looked like someone
someone i should recognize (i.e. from television)
maybe a little like the woman who wasn't grace from will and grace
but not her, but like that, small nose, regular features
brown hair, blue eyes, nothing out of the ordinary
in fact, quite the opposite
someone rendered pretty by her very regularity
she was, she told me, a face model
an eye, a nose, an ear, a mouth, rarely all together
and she asked me:
what shape is your face dear, diamond
and i said, well, i would have said round, but maybe
and she said maybe i could be a hair model, but for sure
i needed to apply then and there to be a hand model
so i did
i had to write my information on a plastic sleeve
like a work order jacket
which i didn't understand at first
and i wrote on the guide form behind the plastic
the place was chanel no. 2
which doesn't exist (though 22 does)
and i've never worn chanel except cristalle briefly in the 70s
and it seemed certain that i would get the job, certain
why, if i'm referencing chanel, why not no. 5
surely that has significance
why the freaky application
and hand modelling
that is fairly loaded
i mean i like my hands now
but i used to think they were freakish
you would never notice
no one notices, ever
but i was born without some tendon in my ring fingers
so they don't (for all effects and purposes) have the final knuckle
i mean, it's there but it doesn't work
and so it isn't wrinkly
it made guitar very difficult
and i'm sure, if i boxed, it would get jammed
but for everyday life
not a big deal
except that, of course, it was a huge deal from like 11-13
and too, i never thought my hands looked grown
i always thought they looked like a little girl
so i guess, what i'm saying is:
i'm kinda surprised about the hand model thing
and i think it has to mean something, represent something
and why a bunch of men in the kitchen
and why kicking me out
and how did i end up there anyway, painting my trees
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