I'm thinking about
it's mother's day
I guess technically today
& I'm not really sure
what I FEEL about the things
I think I'm not that upset
about not having
kids
I have reason to question
how good a mother
I might have
managed
to be
&
besides
I kinda worked through some of what
were issues when I was a manager
I MEAN
obviously not the SAME but I think that's
KINDA
my thing
I get whatever usable
life experience I have in some
non-standard way
things stand-in
for other things
& MAYBE
that's
an adaptation
or maybe
it's JUST
that I process things
DIFFERENTLY
I'm not confident
I had the capacity to be a good mother
while attempting to do
ANYTHING else
I had some experiences
make me WONDER
I took my niece
to the ZOO
& something about the level of attention
was ALMOST hypnotic
I was not SURE if I took my eyes
OFF her
for a second
she was not gonna
JUST
JUMP
into the alligators
I think it's entirely possible
I would not have been
up to the task
& it was never a life goal
I wanted things
BUT
they were related
to my feelings for you, mostly
with occasional ideas for
positively shaping
an upbringing
which I find
I have opinions about
I certainly didn't dream about
any kind of suburban wife
situation
I'm not a regular person
I'm pretty different
& whether that's
a neurodivergent thing
or a trauma thing
or a creative
CRAZY
it doesn't really matter what exactly is going on
what matters is what I need to do
to make my brain work
to do the things that
I WANT to DO
AND
I find it hard to believe
that I can look at my life one way
& it's been an amazing adventure
AND
I can look at it another way
and it's just nothing
nothing accomplished
THAT
would be
the way my mother would look at it, I think
I've been thinking about
when she was in the rehab hospital
& her legs were swollen
& they wouldn't increase her meds
I was talking to one of her doctors
who wasn't the "decider" on the diuretics
my mom must have been giving me
the narcissist disgust look
or something
because this doctor
she LOOKED at
my mom
& she
SAID
your daughter is advocating for you really hard
the LEAST you could do
would be to SMILE
at her a little
& my mom said
SHE ALWAYS WORKS HARD
she kinda made it
SOUND
LIKE
no CREDIT for THAT
& I don't really want to talk about
HOW I FEEL
so much as to
SAY
different parts of me
FEEL DIFFERENT
I can notice
different
PARTS
there's a part
that's like
if she has trouble
because she
wouldn't believe you when you said you wouldn't
THAT
is poetic justice
there is a part that says
it is entirely possible
that she's blown up her life trying to
MAKE me DO
thinking she could force my hand
because I wouldn't be able to
STAND it
with a whole bunch of dominoes dropping
& the protector part
is LIKE
I DO NOT CARE
if they are
grinding her
into
hamburger
& FEEDING her to WILD DOGS
we are NOT getting involved
SO
mother's day
HITS different
this year
strangely
it seems LESS triggering
